If you’re wondering, “Will I ever hear from my ex again,” I may have some good news for you. I’ve done a little bit of research and talked to some dumpees to understand how long it took their exes to reach out.
I also spoke to dumpers, browsed through several forums, and conversed with dumpees from all over the world to provide you with the most accurate information I possibly can.
In my research, I excluded cases where ex-partners live or work together or are forced to break no contact.
I also excluded cases where dumpers needed to collect their belongings or had other unfinished business with dumpees such as kids. I wanted this research to be about non-complicated breakups and be as accurate as possible.
To my astonishment, it didn’t take extremely long for most dumpers to reach out. Many dumpers found reasons to get back in touch with their dumpee relatively soon after the breakup and would then continue to breadcrumb their ex afterward.
They just weren’t ready to cut their ex out of their lives completely.
So if you’re worried that you’ll never hear from your ex again, try not to be. Your ex reaching out doesn’t even indicate that your ex wants you back. It usually means that the dumper is curious about the dumpee and that he or she wants to see how the dumpee thinks and feels during no contact.
To you, the reach out will most likely give you false hope and a lot of anxiety. It will disturb your healing and cause you more damage than any other insult or threat any other person has ever caused.
The topic of this post is, “Will I hear from my ex again?” We’ll analyze the results from the survey and try to figure out what that means for you.
How long does it usually take dumpers to reach out?
The time it takes exes to reach out varies for each individual. It takes some dumpees days or weeks and others months or years. Some dumpers also never break no contact. They stay in it and focus on moving forward with their lives.
Such dumpers tend to resent their exes, have a strict no contact policy, or aren’t capable of seeing their exes in a better light. All they can do is blame their exes for their actions and feelings and ignore the need to self-reflect and improve themselves.
But fortunately, not many dumpers completely destroy their exes’ value in their eyes. Most dumpers cool off after a while and become curious about their exes. That’s why they send their exes breadcrumbs and talk about unimportant things dumpees couldn’t care less about.
If your ex never reaches out (not even years later), you need to know that this isn’t such a bad thing. You should consider it a blessing in disguise and be thankful to your ex for not confusing you and disturbing your healing.
Your ex let you heal and detach and gave you a golden opportunity to learn and improve from the breakup.
Unlike most dumpees who torture themselves with “what ifs,” you were able to let go of hope quicker than most dumpees and found happiness within yourself. If you ask me, that’s priceless because nothing is more important than your health and well-being.
Anyway, many dumpees worry they’ll never hear from their ex again. They’re scared their ex will find someone else and that they’ll stay miserable forever. If this is what you’re thinking, you need to stop. It’s not helping you improve your self-esteem and become a better person at all.
All it’s doing is putting you down, giving you anxiety, and making you think your ex will find eternal happiness without you.
Let’s now have a look at the data I gathered.
As you can see from the chart above, the chart consists of 108 dumpers. Dumpers are of different ages and genders and had unique relationships. That’s why it took some dumpers longer than others to reach out.
Human beings are different by nature and go through different post-breakup experiences, so it’s impossible to predict when they’ll reach out and what they’ll reach out for. All we can do is generalize.
One of the most interesting things I’ve discovered is that many dumpers (14.8%) contacted their dumpees before the end of the first month. I’m not sure how their conversations went, but some probably had a fakeup and ended up back together shortly after getting back in touch.
Others likely just checked up on their exes and then went back to no contact when they assuaged their guilt.
After the first month of a breakup, the chances of exes reaching out decreased by a staggering 50%, dropping down to 6.48% per month.
This indicates that dumpers weren’t very eager to converse. They probably processed unhealthy emotions such as guilt and shame and found it easier to focus on themselves and not worry about their exes.
The average time it takes dumpers to reach out to their exes
According to the results from the survey, dumpees’ chances of hearing from their exes were the highest in the first half of the year after the breakup. Dumpees were still on dumpers’ minds a lot at that time, so dumpers reached out to discuss something they wanted or needed to discuss.
After the 6th month mark, however, the number of dumpers reaching out decreased significantly. The percentage fluctuated at around 3.3% per month until the “years later” mark. That’s when more dumpers started reaching out.
Some offered friendship and some asked to get back together because they failed to connect with other people.
If we take into consideration only the first 12 months after the breakup, a total of 86 dumpers broke no contact and contacted their exes after 7.16 months on average.
This means that based on these statistics alone, you’re most likely going to hear from your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend in the first 6 months. Your ex could contact you when he or she processes the breakup a bit more and sees that it’s safe to reach out and talk to you again.
If you don’t hear from your ex in the first 6 months, however, then your ex hasn’t found a reason to reach out yet. He or she could still be resentful, happy in the new relationship, or not convinced that talking to you is a good idea.
You need to give your ex more time and continue to focus on yourself.
What are the chances my ex will reach out?
Dumpees are terrified of never hearing from their ex again. The thought of being abandoned and forgotten hurts them so much that they often look for signs their ex still loves them and signs their ex will eventually come back.
They don’t want to accept that their ex may be over them and that they might have to let go of hope and find happiness without their ex.
If it’s been months since the breakup and you still haven’t heard from your ex, don’t panic and contact your ex first. Bear in mind that it’s normal for dumpers to stay away from dumpees for months. Heck, it’s normal for them to stay away for a year or even longer.
The end of a relationship triggers a lot of unhealthy emotions inside dumpers.
It makes them so angry or disappointed that they burn out emotionally and destroy their ability to want to contact their exes and talk about something. It becomes safer and better for them not to risk getting back in touch with their exes.
Especially if dumpees begged and pleaded with them for another chance or took revenge on them. Such behaviors often make dumpers associate unhealthy associations with their exes and lose all respect and interest.
The only two things that can make them want to talk with their exes again are time and self-reflecting experiences.
According to my research, 9.26% of dumpees never heard back from their dumper ex. This means that the chances of your ex reaching out are 90.7%.
If you ask me, 90.7% is pretty good! Don’t let your anxiety get the best of you while you’re “waiting” to hear from your ex.
Expecting quick results or hoping that your ex reaches out by a certain date is only going to prolong your pain and suffering. It’s going to make you stay dependent on your ex and give your ex the ability to control your feelings.
Another thing we need to mention is that sometimes dumpers contact their exes and get back together with them even after 30 years or longer. Yes, 30 years is a long time, but that proves that some exes reappear many years later and that the number of exes reaching out in the future is even bigger than the survey shows.
But let’s just focus on the few years’ timeline because you won’t care much about your ex if you don’t hear from your ex after 5 years or more. You’ll have found your peace and probably someone else to date.
The odds are in your favor!
To round it up, we can say that every 10th person is never going to hear from their ex again.
Understanding your chances of hearing from your ex will probably make you feel good, but try not to hold on to hope too much. Hope is going to make detachment much more difficult than it needs to be. It’s going to keep you looking over your shoulder and give you unnecessary anxiety.
If you can, it’s much healthier for you to accept that you might never hear from your ex and that it’s okay. That kind of thinking will prepare you for the worst whereas expecting to hear from your ex will make you dependent on your ex’s outreach.
So allow only as much hope into your system as it’s healthy and needed for your healing. When you’re coping well and don’t need hope, however, try to get rid of hope by telling yourself that it doesn’t matter if your ex reaches out.
Your life will go on whether you hear from your ex or not. Just give yourself some time to detach and you’ll see you don’t need your ex in your life to be happy.
Will I hear from my ex again in the future if I begged and pleaded?
It goes without saying that post-breakup mistakes push the dumper away and delay the time it takes him or her to grow respect for you and reach out.
Depending on how long you begged and how insecure you appeared, your ex will need some time to recover. He or she will need to focus on enjoying the space the breakup provides and worry only about his or her wants and needs.
That’s how your ex might be able to disassociate stress, contempt, and anger from your persona and feel a bit better about reaching out.
Although I can’t speculate how much begging for love and attention is too much, you need to know that a lot of begging can reduce your value tremendously, overwhelm your ex emotionally, and make your ex not want to speak with you again.
Some negative emotions can be too difficult to disassociate from you even years after the breakup, so do your best to avoid hurting your ex and making yourself look bad. You need to invest in yourself rather than your ex and wait for your ex to forget about your behavior and find reasons to contact you.
That could take time, of course, but, unfortunately, you can’t speed up the time it takes to hear from your ex. If you try to make your ex see your worth, you’ll achieve the opposite and make your ex want to speak with you even less.
So stay in no contact and work on yourself. Improve whatever needs improving and don’t reach out.
It’s been months/years. Will I ever hear from my ex again?
You may not like what I’m about to say, but you don’t want to hear from your ex before a few months have gone by. If you hear from your ex too soon and get back with your ex, nothing’s going to change. You’re going to be the same people maturity-wise, so you’ll likely break up again when you encounter the same issues.
That’s why it’s much better for you and your ex to separate from each other completely for at least a few months. That way, you can improve the things you need to improve and then come back together to see if it’s possible to work together as a couple.
I know you want to hear from your ex now (especially if you’re hurting), but you shouldn’t rush things. You guys should first figure out why the breakup happened and then do something about it. That’s the only way you can prevent breaking up again in the future.
So instead of focusing on hearing from your ex, focus on improving yourself. Your ex will have to do the same. If he or she doesn’t, your ex will have a lot of catching up to do later when/if your ex comes back.
The most successful ex-couples take the time to identify their shortcomings and improve them.
Keep in mind that exes come back on their own terms when they don’t have a choice but to come back. In other words, they come back when life gives them lemons and teaches them that what they had was good and that they threw it away because they couldn’t appreciate it.
What you’re looking for from your ex is regret and the determination to invest in you, himself/herself, and the relationship. Without a healthy relationship mentality and willpower, your ex will not grow much. Your ex will remain the same and will likely leave again once your ex gets what he or she needs from you.
Will I ever hear from my ex again if I told my ex to leave me alone?
Just because you’ve told your ex not to contact you anymore, this doesn’t mean you won’t ever hear from your ex. Your ex is not staying away from you because of what you’ve told your ex after the breakup but because your ex wanted to stay away from you.
The breakup made your ex lose all romantic feelings, so your ex now needs to redevelop them. I’m not saying your ex will fall back in love with you for sure, but your ex might if things don’t go according to plan.
For example, if your ex dates someone else and gets dumped, your ex could get hurt a lot and need someone to rely on. That someone could be you provided that you remained strong in no contact and left your ex alone.
So don’t worry too much about the things you said or did during or soon after the breakup. If your ex was breadcrumbing you or doing something he or she shouldn’t be doing, you needed your ex to stop contacting you and making healing difficult for you.
You needed to focus on yourself and let your ex enjoy the space and freedom he or she wanted.
Rest assured that your ex will contact you even if you asked for space. Your ex will do it because he or she will need to do it. That’s the best thing about no contact. It forces dumpers to reach out when they’re having a hard time.
Don’t be afraid!
Don’t let the fear of not hearing from your ex weigh you down and hold you back from enjoying your life. You may really want to hear from your ex and get back together with your ex, but fear and anxiety don’t have to control your life.
They serve very little purpose in your life, so try to control them instead. Try not to check your phone every 5 minutes for your ex’s messages and get busy with life. You need to focus on things that matter so you don’t stay emotionally dependent on your ex and waste your life waiting for someone who doesn’t want to be with you.
If you stay afraid, your ex will sense it when he or she reaches out. Your ex will see that you’ve put him or her on a pedestal and that you don’t value yourself much. That will, in turn, create a huge power imbalance and make your ex lose his or her remaining interest.
Remember that your ex won’t value you if you don’t value yourself. So make sure to value yourself. Do that by continuing to move on and enjoying your life as much as you can.
Are you still wondering if you’ll ever hear from your ex again? Now that you know what the chances of hearing from your ex are, do you feel at ease? Tell us what you think and feel in the comments below.
And if you’d like to talk to us about your breakup, click here to sign up for coaching.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hi Zan, my ex texted me after 28 days of NC. He was sweet and kind, and apologized for being distant. The convo was light and funny. He suggested we meet up for a coffee or drink. I was so relieved to hear from him as I honestly didn’t think NC would work! But, haven’t heard from him again. It’s been 5 days. I don’t want to initiate contact as he was the one who ended the relationship. He suggested we stay friends after the breakup but then slowly ghosted me. Should I go back into NC. Why isn’t he making more of an effort right now that the door is open??
If someone was so obsessed with you for like a year+ while you were in another relationship, and finally it happened but through long distance for 6 months? Those 6 months where amazing and the days were close we’re really perfect? But then suddenly they change and cheat on you and also throw a bomb that they are bulimic and self destructive? Are there chances they will come back? Or the relationship wasn’t long enough for them to make them regret ?
It started on the last day of her semester. She had just finished her last exam and I was congratulating her over text about how proud I was. Anyway I felt her off so I told her how I don’t want to eventually overstay my welcome with her and don’t want her to eventually lose attraction to me because its just bad timing. (She’s studying to go to medical school in two years, works and is in a sorority). She then replied with I’m right, she likes me but its the wrong time to be in a relationship. I’m hurt and sad so I tell her I wish her the very best and goodbye, to which she replies with my name followed by three dots, and a text saying “It doesnt mean its over forever unless thats what you want”. Well basically it ended with her saying that she would love to try in the future.
So the next day I went to her house and talked to her, I told her how I felt and how I didnt want to finish this over text and all that and she understood, I told her how shes special to me and all that and she smiled at all that, then we kissed and when we kissed she did the little nose flick she always does when we kiss and smiled at me as if we were together, then she said we will figure something out and that we can go on a date, and before I left she kissed me again this time and said text me sometime.
That weekend during work I brought her coffee to work during her break, and she came out gave me a kiss on the cheek, then on the lips and then a big hug further confusing me. Afterwards the next day I asked her if she would like to go on a date, to which she says “I’m just busy” several hours later. A few days later I realized that it seemed as if I had pushed her away through text which scared me thinking that she didn’t want to break up. So I went to see her the next day and she explains that I had indeed made her feel like I wanted to break up but she was also thinking about it because the timing was not ideal right now. With everything from school and work she did not have the time to fully devote the time I deserved and it was not fair for me or her. She said that she was happy with me as a person because I treated her so well but not the situation as it was truly bad timing. So I tell her that its okay I understand, I wont text you, visit you and I’ll get out of your life. To which she says I don’t want you out of my life, text me now and then to check up and let me know you’re okay. I texted her like 3 days later to hang out since she had a month since school started and no reply. I have not reached out ever since and its been 9 days. She still has me on all of her social media and her facebook still says in a relationship. I don’t know what is going to happen with us because I want her back.
Hi Zan, thanks for the research. I think a good follow up question to the people you asked is: how many of those that received contact actually reconciled with their ex? It is good to know that the odds place a 90%+ chance of contact, but it would be helpful to know whether it worked out in the long run or not. That way, it would reinforce your theory that waiting longer increases the odds of reconciliation or if it is just random.
Also, I am a believer in the law of attraction, but this law requires you to think positively about reconnecting with your ex in the present. How do you rectify indefinite no contact, push and pull, law of attraction, and exes come back after you forget about them? There seems to be a lot of contradiction in that mix. For example, I find it difficult to try to forget about my ex in indefinite no contact while, at the same time, practice the law of attraction. Any clarity would help. Thanks again for all your great articles. They are truly a life savor!
Hi
My ex was my best friend we were very close friends for 2 years and when I got abroad to study he proposed to me … we did long distance for an year and one day he told me that he does not love me anymore I begged cried and asked for a second chance when he blocked me I again and kept calling him though a mutual friends group and asked my mom to help. I really loved him but he says I was controlling and that I nagged him too much so he does not want to even see me ever … my case is different because my ex is my best friend but in last 4 months he only texted me once 🙁 then after he told me not to force him I told him will contact each other after 4 months when I go back to my home country. I did no contact for a month and just sent him mail asking him if he is doing fine he just replied with yes I am fine . Then again after a month I asked how r things going for him and he asked me to focus on my health and career. He never texts me should I wait for his text I so badly want to get back with him.
Its not no contact when you contact him first..
Hi there.
You need to wait for him to text and express the desire to get together with you.
I suggest that you don’t wait for that to happen and start moving on immediately, though. Don’t waste your well-being on an ex who isn’t interested in you.
Best,
Zan
He told me he didn’t want a girlfriend anymore after we dated about 3 months. He saw me holding hands with an ex, but I wasn’t cheating. I showed him my ex text messages that showed we weren’t together and only meeting on a business venture. He never let it go. I told him I wanted to be married one day. That was the last straw. He told me we could be friends with no labels. I declined. Then I told him I couldn’t see him and it was to hard for me. When I text him again he told me it’s better we not communicate. I was very hurt. I wasn’t eating, was crying and very distraught. I haven’t messaged him since that day. He hasn’t blocked me anywhere. Will I ever hear from him again?
Hi Nia.
You’ll probably hear from him. I think both of you have some thinking to do. You need to figure out why he felt betrayed and he needs to grow as a person to overcome his insecurities.
Stay strong!
Zan
My ex and I broke up in July. We dated for a year and we were really close to each other. She has a pretty damaging past. It’s been almost 4 months now and I begged her and pleaded but she said she has gotten numb and couldn’t process anything. A few weeks ago she found out I rejected a few dating options and she got really mad and jealous. Few days later she told our mutual friend that she still has feelings for me and that she just gets mad at me for reasons still unknown to her. She hasn’t had time to think properly because of distractions in her family. She said she will think about it when she goes to the US. She is currently in the states for 40 days visiting her cousins on a vacation. She will be coming back on the 28 of dec. am I stupid enough to keep hopes that she will come back? We didn’t talk much but everytime we did she kept on giving me mixed signals. Acting all nice and then cold all of a sudden. The last time I talked to her she said she was so close to coming back but a part of her hold her back. Is someone influencing her or is she confused I don’t know? I have gone no contact since the 2 of nov. That was the last time I talked to her. Is there a chance she might come back?
Hi, she might come back as she is a confused person. Doubt is never a good sign. The question is do you want to be with someone who is not sure about you?
My ex girlfriend broke up with me 3 months ago due to her feeling like she was putting too much in the relationship, We weren’t on the same level, suspected I was Playing her cause I remembered A girls name a day later, cause I was Imature, and cause I wasn’t enrolled in college. It all seemed like crap excuses just to get away from me. She told me we should cease contact when she broke up with me then “deleted my number” because she would be convinced to date me again if we continued to talk. And she said we both might never get closure from this break up. We didn’t speak for days then she and deleted and blocked me on every social media account there is and blocked my number. So I contacted Her to ask why she did this through something she hadn’t blocked me on and she said she was tired and blocked me again. It was the last time we spoke. Is there any chance I’ll hear from her again?
we Had been dating for 6 months. And it was going great. The breakup came out of nowhere litterally 2 days after we went on a fun date
Hi Kordel.
You’ll probably hear from her when she’s dealing with something stressful. That’s when she’ll drop her ego and talk to you on equal terms again.
Stay strong,
Zan
I literally haven’t heard from my ex since the day she broke up with me, and that was six months ago. I’ve heard from a friend that she’s now in a new relationship. I also know her new partner is someone she’s been romantically involved with before. This is how I know it’s not a rebound. And they didn’t get together straight after our breakup.
I keep hearing people saying they’ve heard from their exes after a couple of months or even just a matter of weeks. I’m trying not to feel discouraged, but it really seems my case might be part of that small statistic when an ex never reaches out again. Based on what i’ve described, do you think there could still be a chance i’ll hear from her eventually? I really need advice on this.
Hi K.
As you can see from my survey, most people hear from their exes.
But this doesn’t mean that they reconcile.
So get rid of your hope and continue moving forward.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Great article here. When we’re emotional it’s difficult for those despondent feelings to not cloud our thoughts and our judgement, so reading these facts is extraordinarily helpful. I have just gotten out of a one month “situationship”. He, for whatever reason, ghosted me. I truly can’t think of anything I did to cause it. When I realized what was happening, I didn’t “nag” with messages, no begging or pleading or accusations…I gave him a ring, asked him to call me back, and nothing…at this point I would just really appreciate closure, so I do hope he contacts again.
You handled it well. And you can close it yourself. Just close the door for this person.
I live in CO and dated a girl for about 6 weeks, it was intense with very strong chemistry and emotional connection. She poured out a lot of feelings she had for me. and we both felt that there was solid ground to stand on to continue dating and build little by little. But also disclosed that she lost a child about 3 years ago so was still dealing with that trauma. We had a series of great times together and then she suddenly cut it off, saying she didn’t feel she had the ability to take anything to the next level. Was unsure of her feelings and didn’t want to drag me through any volatility, said she had a lot of respect for me..etc. – we left things in a friendly way and were connected on Facebook, but I never interacted with her page. she suddenly blocked me after 3 weeks of NC even though we said we’d get in touch after a little time. It’s now been another 2 months (3 months total), I have not reached out to her at all for the entire 3 months. but the blocking really mystifies me.
Hi Ken.
She probably blocked you because she wants to move on.
It’s best that it stays that way so that she can process everything that’s happened to her.
And when she’s had enough time to think about you, she will probably unblock you.
Best regards,
Zan
Thanks Zan, I guess my hope was that the block was because she missed me, but it is what it is. I may never know the reason. Strangely she had me blocked on FB and FB messenger, then about a month ago unblocked me on the messenger app, but kept the block on FB. She hasn’t been in touch. I’ve stayed silent and invisible etc., I know grief is so difficult so I suppose I settle on her need for a lot of time and space, maybe I’ll hear something, maybe not. It’s been hard for me though although I’m doing all the things I should be continuing to live life.
Hi Ken.
Living life to your best is all you can do right now. So don’t waste even a second of your precious time.
Best,
Zan
Hi there,
I’ve stumbled across your page a few times and this one really spoke to me and I’d like your advice. So my ex boyfriend dumped me about 4 months ago in July. He said he fell out of love and it happened over time, but he didn’t want to fake it and hurt me. He said it started a month or two before the breakup and he ignored the feeling, but he was also going through a lot of personal things at the time. I asked if he fell out of love before or after the issues started and he replied that it was after. He also mentioned that he wasn’t able to talk to anyone else about his issues, and that he’s been closing himself off from everyone in his life. So what personal issues can make someone fall out of love so suddenly within two months? He and I were each other’s first real relationship, and neither of us have experienced a relationship like this before. We broke up a month shy of our one year anniversary and I’m afraid that he was just scared of a real commitment and things were getting too serious for him. Although he was definitely distancing himself from everyone, he seemed fine a month after the breakup. He was in Snapchats on his friends stories, he was attending a cousins wedding, he seemed happy with everyone except me. While I fell apart, he seemed okay.
During our relationship, he was busy with work and college a lot so I’d be annoyed he didn’t have time for me, but he really was a great boyfriend and I always reminded him how much I loved him. I somewhat begged him for the first two weeks after the breakup and he stopped responding so I did no contact for a month, then reached out with a funny text and we spoke again. He stopped replying again eventually so I did no contact again and reached out after another month and he engaged for a couple days and stopped. However, during this conversation he did tell me that he regrets not breaking up in person but he was afraid to see me cry. He said that he lost his feelings and he doesn’t think he sees a future for us and doesn’t want to string me along. He also said he wants to be alone and focus on himself, and I believe this because he was single for three years before he met me. I don’t think he’s the kind of guy to jump into rebounding with another girl, but some of my coworkers think it sounds like he found someone else. I didn’t suspect that of him because I figured he wouldn’t even bother to reply to me if there was another girl. So I was content with this conversation and I figured someday we’d be able to talk in person.
A few weeks after this conversation, he replied to a snap on my Snapchat story. All was going well, I brought up a funny memory from when we were together and he responded well. The conversation continued into the next morning but the most bizarre thing happened. I went to reply and I couldn’t. He had deleted me from Snapchat mid conversation. I texted him on iMessage to ask why he did that and I got no response. It’s been almost a month since that happened and I left him alone. I don’t want to continue chasing him, but I am so lost and I deserve an answer. I want to know what an expert thinks. Is there another girl? Is he depressed or going through something mentally that he can’t tell me? Is it something else? Please help. I’m sorry if this is too long but I wanted to give you enough details.
Hi Ann, the answer you are looking for is that he fell out of love with you, that he has lost his feelings for you, that he doesn’t want to hurt you or see you cry and that he doesn’t want to string you along and he sees no future with you. Any other reason (even if there is another girl) is irrelevant at this point.
You’re handling it very well by not chasing him even though you feel lost. That is the only thing you can do and should continue to do. Don’t initiate contact with him. Let him go through whatever he is going through on his own. He needs to figure things out and you should give him space and time to do that. I know it hurts, but as you move on, the hurt will lessen. The more detached you become, the stronger you will be and the less you will be preoccupied with his behaviour and the reasons behind it.
Hi Zan,
I have been reading your stuff and it is incredible. It makes sense . I am 43 years , happily married guy with kids. I am very attracted to another woman of 43 years . She is very fit and attractive, she happens to be my wife’s friend . We are from same home town. I befriended her in September 2012 while she was also in her marriage. She was initially shocked with my approach , but later came to talking terms on WhatsApp with my comfort and assurances that I like her as a friend. We chatted for few months ( while she shared her pictures during those time , she never asked mine anytime ) before my negative behavior and over pursuit had got me blocked in July 2013. I tried approaching with other ways/ numbers and social platforms , only to get blocked everywhere and no contact. Later in Feb 2015 I moved to another country for good and in May 2015 she lost her husband . I tried contacting her then ,but no response, and I later understand, she was in healing mode of her lost husband . She is a widow now and still single to this date. She has an adult daughter and active social life with other girlfriends and activities. Her husband has left behind good wealth and revenues and to this day she happily lives with her daughter.
In Jan 2018 , luck by chance , I got to connect her by IMO, and she responded and we got reconnected on the same texting mode . During one of the conversations , She expressed she has guilt of texting her friend’s spouse , but I always comforted her that its not your fault but it is mine . I was a bit better on my behavior then , while I was trying to learn stuff to get an ex back. I was cherry picking things here and there , and her attraction moved up a bit. In March 2018 She was traveling to my country , and with my invitation we met on a kind of date for lunch, she seems interested , she was there for 4 days and was inclined to meet me again but didn’t have a chance due to family’s presence. I thought I was on top of my world with this little happiness , and once again I fell back to my old ways of over pursuing. She never initiates the contact and I am the one who does 100%, she replies about 5 out of 10 times . Again my insecure behavior I got blocked in July 2018 , and I begged and chased and all the stuffs you mention in the articles. My brain always gave me illusions for action and I did everything my brain suggested without emotional control. I send sms every 2-3 months, to check if I do have a chance . She reads that but no response . I notice, the only thing she didn’t block my number for phone or texting Last sms was in Aug 2019.
Now I realize all the negative things I have done to suffocate her and push her away; literally almost all the things you have been mentioning in your articles. I vow for an indefinite no contact now , and not to go back on my old patterns and behaviour. I am now beginning to get concepts of attraction and how it works. I have read your articles and it gives immense boost and confidence. I will do what it takes to become a better version of myself , Me 2.0
I know iam hung up only on this one particular woman, which is not the best way to go. I wonder do I still have a chance with her , given the situations I mentioned above and she never intiates contacts, Whats your taken this and whats your advice?
Bur for sure ham not going to contact her and fall back to old behaviours. Your kind advice awaited
Hello Imran,
If i were you i would think twice before reaching out to her.
You have a wife,kids, you are happy.
Why you want to destroy your family?!
If your wife will find out that you reach out to her friend, she will be mad.
Maybe her friend will tell her someday you keep contacting her.
It’s not healty for you,for your family.
My opinion is to be gratefull of what you have,
Cheers,
Mihail
Sorry but what you are doing is a terrible thing. How can you say you are happily married and then proceed to tell everyone about how you want to pursue another woman, your wife’s friend no less!
One day your wife is going to find out and you are going to lose everything. Learn how to be happy with the person you are with (unless it is a situation of abuse) and work on growing together as a couple. Stop pining for something else whilst keeping your wife around only because the other woman doesn’t want anything serious with you. You are extremely inappropriate and your family does not deserve this at all. Have some respect for the person you chose to commit to and have a family with.
Hi Zan, thanks for this great Blog. My Girlfriend broke up with me in August 2018 after 5 years of an intense relationship with nearly no fighting and no big issues. She said she didn’t love me anymore but also said that she still had been happy just one month before. We went NC for 1 Month, then we started dating again but it was more like an affair that lastet 7 month, until March 2019. We made great progress in that time, but during this 2nd try she said that this could be a mistake. Never the less both of us had a great time, I respected that she needed space, it was fine. At the end of this 7 month i started pushing, because i finally needed to know how we will go on. Surprise – thats when the 2nd breaks accured. After this she kept contacting an friendzoning me for a month. She got better every day, i got worse, ended up pleading. I went into No Contact and broke it twice, first time after 2 weeks to get my things back, 2nd time after 3 month for other organizational reasons that needed to be done. At this 2nd time she was cold like we never existed. In Septembre 2019 she didn’t even reach out to my birthday. its been about 6 month now since the 2nd break – can i still hope she will ever reach out again ore are we just done? Thanks a lot!
Hi Alex.
You will probably hear from her again.
I think she’ll have to date some other guys and realize what she’s lost the hard way.
She basically lost appreciation for you due to the lack of gratitude.
I strongly suggest you never plead for someone again and stay strong!
Best,
Zan
hi zan, thanks for the reply. what i‘m really butchering myself for are some stupid mistakes i did after the break up – i tried to play cool but cleary wasn‘t. now with some space between it i really think it looked pathetic – even worse than begging. this moments i really was acting out of character happend 2 or 3 times… i‘m just scared that these were the last nails in the coffin
Hi Alex.
There’s no point in mulling over the past. What’s done is done. That’s why it’s best that you accept and learn from your mistakes so that you don’t repeat them in the future.
You’ve got this!
Zan
Hi Zan, thanks again! I know that i have learned a lesson here. I’m focusing on myself for months now, i’m doing good and won’t do the same mistakes again. What i really would like to know so hard that it’s driving me insane: Did i *** up too hard. Did i push her too far with my behavior. As more it comes distant I think i did some really embarrasing stuff, like talking to her family, I think she also saw me googeling NC – Dude. I just feeI shame. I know i can’t contact her, but i feel this strong need to apologize for being an idiot. If i knew i pushed it too far, than i maybe could move on at least… Should i still remain silent? I guess i know the answer already.
Thanks for your work, you’re helping a lot of people.
Alex
Hi Alex.
Only your ex knows how far you’ve pushed her. All we can do at this point is wait if she’ll ever have a change of heart.
You also know that you can’t apologize anymore. What’s done is done.
And if we’re completely honest, she quite frankly doesn’t care, so focus on yourself as only your well-being matters from this point onward.
Kind regards,
Zan
My Ex and I date for about 13 months. Ex is now seeing her good guy friend (saw him like a brother she said) after 6 weeks from break up. Reconnected with him June 28th and we officially broke up July 25th. She said I was possessive/controlling/overbearing when she was out with her friends. I understand her point of view however I think she had a role in that.
One night i told her that i was tired and she should go have fun with her friend. Ill see her the next day. She texted me and we argued a little then i caved and came out. The next friday, she was seeing more of her guy friends including her now bf and was supposed to invite me out. Never did. I was texting her throughout the night but never brought it up or anything. I did ask who was there and where they were bar hopping due to the fact I was supposed to go out with them too. We talked that weekend and she brought up that she can’t talk to who she wants when im around or flirt with her guy friends which she said was fine because they know she has a bf. I have never told her not to talk to anyone before that so it caught me off guard. I guess it confused me as to what she really wanted. 2 weeks before all this, she got mad because I was at a bachelors party and had to go to my parents for fathers day and we weren’t going to see eachother that weekend. I ended up stopping by. So i guess i was confused as to what she really wanted.
I tried letting her have her freedom in certain situations and she wanted to only be with me and other situations she only wanted to be with her friends and i told her that i wanted to be with her (we only hung out on weekends and not during the week). Is there a possibility that she will recognize the confusion and reach out after a certain amount of time or with her being with her new bf, is that going to take longer than it usually would? There really wasn’t much time between myself and the new guy in terms of “Dating”.
Hi Tk.
Perhaps she will realize your worth once her other options fail her. Until then, stay in no contact and better yourself.
That way, you will either attract her back or someone better.
Kind regards,
Zan
Well, I’ve been dating this girl for almost 3 years now (our anniversary is supposed to be in 8days). I broke up with her in February but we never stopped talking nor meeting. But we did a month ago when i did something very stupid which was dating a friend in common. She blocked me everywhere and pretending that i don’t even exist. I tried reaching her out many times but she never really answers until a few days ago she sent me a text in which she said that she moved on and her feelings for me are over.
We also had a conversation yesterday and she kept saying that she doesn’t care about me and i should get her out of my life. She also said that she hates me
What should i do? It’s really hard to get over her after 3years of dating and i still love her man..
HI, Bartholomew.
You do nothing but wait for her mood to change (if it ever does).
You will hear from her if she has a change of heart.
Until then, you prioritize yourself just how she does.
Best,
Zan
Hi Zan
It’s been 8 months since our breakup and 6 months of No contact.
Looks like I might be in the ten percent of people rather than the 90 percent :(. I’m starting to think I might be one of those that never hears as I haven’t heard a direct sausage in six months.
It’s so hard. I could understand if I was one of the one in ten if I’d spent 5 months grovelling or that we had a brief rele. But it was a ten year rele and we had what she described as a calm breakup.
As you know she blocked me 3 months after I went NC. That’s it.
I know she moves in a few weeks to start a new career and that’s probably been a source of something to focus on since she ended it. She dumped me 8 months ago right after getting the job offer. I’m sad at the moment as find myself ruminating that once she finally moves, new job, new people, new city, I’ll be a distant memory and that’ll be it for good.
Hi Dave.
Even if she moves away and changes everything down to her socks, she is still going to think about you quite often.
It’s impossible not to when she’s spent 10 years with you. She’s shaped her personality with the help of you and she is going to be reminded of that very often. The jokes, the way she speaks, personality traits, way of living, etc.
You will probably hear from her in the future, my friend. I don’t want to give you any hope, but when you do, she might just want to come back right away.
The thing is, you don’t want to hear from her before she’s ready to come back anyway. It’s not worth it if you ask me. I’m sure you agree with me on that?
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi and thanks for your material. I think you have the best material to get a substantial understanding of break-ups. All other coaches beat around the bush regarding length of time in NC or when exes come back.
My situation involves a very insecure beauty. She had trauma in her childhood (father left her at home for 10 years when she was 10 after it was discovered he was cheating on her mother). Since she was the one who found her father speaking on the phone with his mistress, she has abandonment issues and one of her triggers is the phone. My mobile caused lots of drama.
Anyway, she broke up with me because I was just too frustrated with the drama. It has been almost 5 months of NC. I noticed a FB Page that she created to provide life coaching that she is sharing posts about relationships, being appreciated by her lover and in general she seems very sad and somewhat angry. From what she can see from my social media, I am enjoying life (not with other women as I cannot date now, rather, just living my life).
My question, is this good news? For her to go through this anger / sadness phase? I am not happy about her sadness or anger, rather, I feel bad for her, but on the other hand, it is encouraging that she is now dealing with the break-up.
Your thoughts?
Of course, she may have met another guy and feeling sadness over him… but we had a very strong love and she cried and continuously told me she loves me when we broke up.
Thanks in advance. 🙂
After a 4 yr reationship, she pulled the trigger. I did the pleading/ begging for a bit, then told her i won’t beg for love nor is my dignity negotiable. Have done NC a few times as it’s hard living 3 houses down. She texted a few times for picking up my belongings, health insurance info, And even to get her a word document I did for her. She has not asked me to return keys to the house. May 24 through 26 she is at resort with her kids (I’m NC day 3) Zhe posted pix on social “very happy with my kids” caption. I see right through the facade. Sunday 26th is Mother’s day in Caribbean, Monday 27th is her birthday! I refuse to reward her behaviour, won’t texte on bday nor mother day. Your thoughts and expertise is greatly appreciated.
Hi jay.
You’re right. You shouldn’t reward any negaive behavior as she doesn’t deserve it. As for the pictures, anything that gets posted on social media is depicted in a positive light. You only get to see the best of people and very seldom their worst.
Wait for her to start giving more. Only then can you finally converse like human beings.
Best,
Zan
Thanks for the reply, Zan.
This transpired last Friday. My ex contacted a female friend of mine and tore into her over me giving her a gift with no vested interest on my part, but ex portrayed jealousy. She than grabbed a black plastic bag and dropped off a few items that where still at her house at a neighbors place. I did not contact her and simply retrieved my items as if nothing. Not sure how to interpret this infantile behaviour. Please help.
Thanks
Hi Jay.
Many dumpers blatantly exhibit jealousy. Your ex is simply acting on impulse without giving much thought to her actions. She needs some time to cool off. Stay in NC and let her do as she wishes.
Zan
My exgirlfriend contacted me to pick somethings she still had in my Home after 6 Months!!, just some clothes an a plant. She is coming next week, does this count ? What took her so long? 😅
Hi Cid.
Your ex likely used her trivial belongings as an excuse to see you. If she didn’t need these items in the past half a year, I doubt she badly needs them now.
It probably took her this long because she’s been doing a lot of thinking or/and something has happened in her life. You will find out soon by the way she thinks, talks and acts.
Best,
Zan
My ex used to be in a 3 year serious relationship before he met me. 5 months after the end of the relationship that’s when we met and he was head over heels about me. He rushed things he was so romantic he was convinced i was the girl of his dreams and that i am the best person he had ever met. We met in summer and everything was so great until school started again and he started seeing his ex everyday.. his ex is completely done with him but i guess she still has an effect on him because every time he sees her he gets reminded how broken he really is. He tried for a while to make our relationship work but when i was giving all of me he was just giving me half of his.. finally he let me go because he realized he is not ready for a relationship and can’t give me what i deserve.. Is he ever going to regret this decision and realize i am so much better than his toxic ex and wants me back again?