Updated on July 22, 2025
If you’re wondering, “Will I ever hear from my ex again?” I may have some good news for you. I’ve done my homework and analyzed the behavior of many dumpers to understand how long it typically takes for them to reach out to their exes.
I also spoke with dumpers, browsed various forums, and talked to dumpees from around the world to give you the most accurate information possible.
In my research, I excluded cases where ex-partners lived or worked together or were forced to break no contact for external reasons. This includes situations where dumpers needed to collect their belongings or had other ongoing obligations with the dumpee, such as co-parenting. I wanted the study to focus on straightforward breakups in order to keep the results as accurate and unbiased as possible.
To my surprise, it didn’t take super long for most dumpers to reach out. Many of them found excuses to get back in touch with their ex relatively soon after the breakup. Once they did, they often breadcrumbed their ex at least once. Breadcrumbing means they sent their ex empty messages that had nothing to do with getting back together.
Dumpers merely wanted to know how their ex was doing and if he or she resented them for blindsiding them, leaving, and causing them pain.
So if you’re worried you’ll never hear from your ex again, try not to be. When your ex finally reaches out, it doesn’t necessarily mean that your ex has had an epiphany and wants you back. It may mean that your ex is curious about you, feels guilty, or wants your validation, closeness, or support.
Your ex might even suggest staying friends or becoming friends with benefits. Both are equally bad because they keep you stuck in an unfair position and make it much harder for you to move on. Instead of encouraging you to detach, they force you to stay attached and crave your ex’s attention and recognition.
Hence, it’s safe to assume that your ex’s reach out will most likely give you false hope and a lot of anxiety. It will disrupt your healing and hurt you more deeply than any insult or threat anyone could ever throw at you. Your ex’s words and actions will confuse you and make you see that it’s better not to hear from an ex unless he or she regrets leaving and wants you back.
Hearing from your ex when you’re in no contact, trying to regain your composure, will set back your healing and undo the progress you’ve made. That’s because it will trigger a surge of hope—the kind that makes you believe you no longer need to focus on yourself and that you can continue to envision a future with your ex.
Don’t forget that planning a future with your ex before your ex wants you back is detrimental to your recovery and health. Every time you imagine getting back together, you reinforce false hope, delay healing, and stay obsessed with someone who doesn’t see your romantic worth.
You’ll probably feel a bit validated, but you’ll also be hungrier than ever for your ex’s presence, love, and commitment.
The topic of this post is, “Will I hear from my ex again?” We’ll analyze the survey results and help you understand what they mean for you.
How long does it usually take dumpers to reach out?
The time it takes exes to reach out varies for each individual. It takes some dumpees days or weeks—and others months or years. The time it takes depends mainly on the space they get, the respect they have towards their ex, the issues they encounter, their ability to deal with those issues, and the reasons the relationship ended. If the relationship ended due to cheating and a breach of trust, they’re typically not in a hurry to reach out. They feel betrayed and think that talking to their ex would cause more harm than good.
Such dumpers avoid reaching out unless they really need to. And they really need to when there are mutual obligations involved, like kids, work, or shared belongings such as a vehicle. Some dumpers also never break no contact. They stay in NC forever and focus on moving forward with their lives.
Oftentimes, they resent their ex, have a strict no contact policy, or aren’t capable of seeing their ex in a better light. Pain and anger prevent them from letting go of the past and urge them to continue blaming their ex for their actions and feelings. By doing so, they ignore the need to self-reflect and improve the things they need to improve.
Luckily, not all dumpers completely destroy their exes’ value in their eyes. Many dumpers cool off after a while, see that they overreacted, and become curious, scared, or guilty. They feel something they didn’t expect to feel, so they contact their ex and talk about unimportant things that dumpees couldn’t care less about.
Things like the dumpee’s dog, work, or interest in movies. By diverting attention away from relationship/breakup matters, they show they haven’t reached out to get back together, but to get something else. Something only their ex can give them. Usually, this is information, validation, forgiveness, or a familiar person to talk to.
Most dumpees are afraid they’ll never hear from their ex again. They’re scared their ex will forget about them, move on with someone else, and have a happy ever after with that person. What they’re forgetting is that they won’t always feel so low and hopeless. When they improve their self-esteem and see that they’re capable of moving on without their ex, they’ll see mainly the positives in being broken up.
Those positives often include gaining clarity, rediscovering their identity, developing emotional independence, and no longer having to tolerate a relationship that wasn’t meeting their needs.
Many times, dumpees want to get back with their ex despite knowing they weren’t happy or as happy as they wanted to be. The only reason they want to reconcile is because their ex detached and left before them, and destroyed their self-esteem, direction, and purpose.
That’s why they eventually realize that the breakup was a blessing in disguise and that it pushed them to grow and reach new heights.
If your ex never reaches out (not even years or decades later), it’s not such a bad thing. It’s better than if he or she keeps pestering you every few days with texts or calls that give you hope and hinder your healing. You should be thankful if your ex lets you heal in peace. Consider yourself lucky because many dumpees receive confusing messages from their ex that add no value to their lives whatsoever.
Besides, years from now, you won’t even care whether you ever hear from your ex. You’ll be detached, busy, happy, and have plenty of better things to focus on. Things like prioritizing your hobbies and spending time with friends and family. Your ex won’t cross your mind very often, nor trigger pain and anxiety.
So if you haven’t heard from your ex in a while or perhaps even in years, consider it a golden opportunity to learn and improve from the breakup.
Unlike most dumpees who torment themselves with endless ‘what ifs,’ you’ll be able to let go of hope sooner and start finding happiness within yourself. And if you ask me, that’s priceless because nothing matters more than your health and well-being. If your ex can’t contribute to your health and happiness through commitment and consistency, you’re better off on your own.
Anyway, many dumpees worry that they’ll never hear from their ex again. They’re scared their ex will find someone better and more compatible and that they’ll stay regretful and miserable forever. If these are the kinds of thoughts you’re feeding your brain daily, you need to stop. Thinking about things you have no control over isn’t helping you improve your self-esteem and get rid of separation anxiety and fear.
All it’s doing is putting you down, giving you gut-wrenching anxiety, and making you think you’re not good enough for your ex. Comparing yourself to others, especially people who don’t even exist, is a colossal waste of energy and time. You should instead focus on things you can control. Things like forgiving yourself and your ex, analysing your mistakes without engaging in self-blame, meeting up with friends and making new ones, and doing things that give you purpose.
That way, you’ll stop asking yourself questions such as, “Will I ever hear from my ex again?” and slowly take your mind off your ex.
If you’re currently unable to not think about your ex, that’s okay. Your breakup wounds are still fresh and need more time and self-focus to heal. Gradually, you’ll realize that you think about your ex and your ex’s reach-out/return less, and that going back may not be a smart or safe decision.
Let’s now have a look at the data I gathered about dumpers reaching out to dumpees.
As you can see from the chart above, it’s based on data from 108 dumpers of various ages and genders, and relationship backgrounds. Since no two dumpers are alike in personality and maturity, and have different reasons for breaking up and reaching out, some took longer than others to make contact.
That’s completely normal. Don’t expect your ex to reach out as quickly as someone else’s ex. Also, don’t assume your ex will return, or return for the same reasons. In most cases, dumpers come back when they’re unhappy or stressed. Other times, they return after deep reflection and personal growth unrelated to failure and pain. But that’s far less common.
Only the most developed and open-minded exes grow and miss their ex simply because they want to.
People are different in many ways and go through unique post-breakup experiences. This makes it impossible to predict exactly when or why they’ll reach out. All we can do is look at their past behaviors and patterns and make generalizations.
One of the most interesting things that stands out in the chart is that many dumpers (14.8%) contacted their dumpees before the end of the first month. I’m not sure how their conversations went, but some probably had a fakeup and ended up back together shortly after getting back in touch. Knowing that many dumpers come back for the wrong reasons, my guess is that at least 20% of them broke up within a couple of weeks. Another 10% probably broke up within the following months.
Among the dumpers who reached out within a month of the breakup, most were simply checking in on their exes. After easing their guilt, they ended the conversation/let it fizzle out and focused on themselves again. They didn’t feel the need to stay friends with someone who still desired them romantically.
After the first month, the likelihood of exes reaching out dropped sharply—by nearly 50%, falling to just 6.48% per month.
This suggests that many dumpers preferred silence over reaching out. They stopped doubting themselves, processed their guilt and shame, and chose to focus on their own healing instead of worrying about their exes. What their exes thought and felt stopped concerning them when they convinced themselves life’s too short to worry about people who hold them back and no longer matter.
The average time it takes dumpers to reach out to their exes
According to the results from the survey, dumpees were most likely to hear from their exes within the first six months after the breakup. During this period, dumpees remained on dumpers’ minds and prompted them to reach out to discuss things they wanted or needed to address.
If they felt bad, they reached out to relieve their guilt. And if they were curious, they reached out to gain insight into their ex’s life. The point is, they contacted their ex if they felt like they had something to gain from it.
After the six-month mark, the number of dumpers reaching out dropped significantly, fluctuating around 3.3% per month until the ‘years later’ period. That’s when dumpers began to reach out again.
Some offered friendship, while others asked to get back together due to a lack of happiness and/or connection with other people.
Focusing only on the first 12 months after the breakup, a total of 86 out of 108 dumpers broke no contact and reached out to their exes after an average of 7.16 months.
Based on these statistics, you’ll likely hear from your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend within the first six months of no contact. Your ex may reach out once he or she has processed the breakup and feels safe to talk again.
If you don’t hear from your ex within the first six months, it likely means that your ex hasn’t found a reason to reach out yet. He or she might still be feeling resentful, happy in a new relationship, or simply not convinced that reconnecting with you is a good idea.
Regardless of what your ex thinks and feels, you need to give your ex more time to find an incentive to reach out. You need to keep focusing on your own life, even if it’s been years since you last heard from your ex. This advice is especially important if you pleaded for a long time, showed up unannounced, or threatened your ex.
Don’t act on your pain, reach out yourself, and force your ex to talk. That will risk bringing a negative response out of your ex, destroying your ex’s respect for you, and undoing the work of no contact. If you don’t want to make things worse, stay in no contact and let your ex come to you when or if he or she is emotionally ready.
What are the chances my ex will reach out?
Dumpees often live in fear of never hearing from their ex again. The thought of being abandoned and forgotten is so painful that they frequently search for signs their ex still loves them and will eventually come back.
They don’t want to accept that their ex may be over them and that they might have to let go of hope and find happiness without their ex. Moving on without their ex frightens them, so they reject it completely.
If it’s been months since the breakup and you still haven’t heard from your ex, don’t panic. Panic could make you irrational and force you to break the rules of no contact. It could overwhelm your ex with expectations, demands, and emotions, causing your ex to think you’re needy and clingy.
Keep in mind that it’s completely normal for dumpers to stay away from dumpees for months or even a year or longer. The end of a relationship triggers a lot of negative emotions, which need time and a reason to get rid of. Most dumpers have to get hurt and, through pain and reflection, forgive their ex for hurting them.
Don’t expect your ex to get rid of his or her anger, resentment, or contempt just because you stepped away for a few months. A few months of silence can help, but they may not be enough to prevent your ex from thinking negatively about you.
This is especially true if you took revenge on your ex and started a war. The worse you treated your ex during or after the breakup, the bigger the chance that your ex associated unhealthy beliefs with you. These beliefs won’t go away willingly. Your ex will have to identify them and decide to do something about them.
He or she will probably have to admit his or her mistakes and regret the role he or she played in the breakup.
According to my research, 9.26% of dumpees never heard from their dumper ex again. Their ex moved on and either didn’t feel the need to reach out or simply suppressed his or her desire to communicate. When the desire to speak isn’t strong enough, the dumper keeps his or her distance and focuses on other things.
If 9.26% of dumpers never reach out, that means there’s a 90.7% chance your ex will eventually contact you. And if you ask me, that’s a pretty good chance! That excludes dumpers that reach out 10 years or longer after the breakup. 10 years is a long time, but some dumpers get back together with their first love after 30 years. By the time they reunite, they’re often very different people.
So try not to let anxiety get the best of you while you’re ‘waiting’ to hear from your ex. You should never put your life on hold and do nothing but wait. If you give your ex that much control over your feelings, I guarantee that you’ll keep obsessing about whether you’ll ever hear from your ex, stay unhappy, and waste your life.
Instead of becoming the best version of yourself, you’ll stay as you are maturity-wise and make similar mistakes in the future. Your short-term post-breakup goal should be to detach, grow, and rebuild your self-esteem. When you accomplish that, you’ll fear losing your ex, especially to someone else much less.
To round it up, we can say that every 10th person won’t ever hear from the dumper again. Or if he or she does hear from the dumper, it could take 10, 20, or even 30 years.
The odds are in your favor!
Knowing that your chances of hearing from your ex are fairly high might feel good, but be careful not to cling to hope. Holding on too tightly will increase your obsession with your ex and make it harder to detach and let go. It’ll keep you looking over your shoulder and make you lose out on life.
If you ask me, it’s much better for you to accept that you might never hear from your ex, and that you’ll be okay. That kind of thinking will prepare you for the worst, whereas expecting to hear from your ex will make you dependent on your ex’s outreach.
So allow only as much hope as is healthy and helpful for your healing. But once you’re coping well and no longer rely on hope for stress-management, start letting it go by reminding yourself that it doesn’t matter whether your ex reaches out or not.
All that matters is that you love yourself and feel in control of your emotions and life. When you understand that life goes on whether or not you hear from your ex, you’ll give yourself the time you need to detach and gradually realize you don’t need your ex in your life to be happy. You just need to stay away from your ex long enough to get through the storm and regain your rationality.
Will I hear from my ex again in the future if I begged and pleaded?
It goes without saying that post-breakup mistakes, such as staying in contact, begging, and apologizing, push the dumper further away and delay the time it takes him or her to redevelop respect and reach out. Every time you appear weak and desperate for love, you pressure the space-deprived dumper and make him or her want to talk to you less.
If you begged long and hard and made yourself look insecure and unhappy, your ex will probably need some time to recover. He or she will need to focus on enjoying the space the breakup provides and worry only about his or her wants and needs. Your ex won’t be happy to think about you, hear from you, or be forced to help you cope with the breakup.
Your only option is to stay in no contact and let your ex process the breakup. If you leave your ex completely alone, you’ll depict strength and independence and might be able to indirectly influence your ex to get rid of negative perceptions of you.
Having said that, here are the effects of begging and pleading on the dumper.
Although I can’t say how much begging and pleading for another chance is too much, you need to know that a lot of begging is likely to overwhelm your ex emotionally, reduce your value tremendously, and make your ex not want to speak with you again. Making your ex the center of your life will stop your ex from respecting and liking you, making it difficult for him or her to want you back.
Some unhealthy perceptions can be hard to let go of even years after the breakup, so do your best to avoid hurting your ex and making yourself look codependent. You need to invest in yourself rather than your ex and wait for your ex to forget about your behavior and find reasons to contact you.
That could take time, of course, but you can’t speed up the process. If you try to make your ex see your worth on your terms before your ex is ready, you’ll only achieve the opposite and make your ex want to speak with you less.
So stay in no contact and work on yourself. Improve whatever needs improving and don’t reach out, no matter how hurt and desperate you are for another chance. As long as your ex is convinced the breakup needed to happen, you must keep your distance and invest in yourself and others.
It’s been months/years. Will I ever hear from my ex again?
You may not like what I’m about to say, but the truth is you don’t want to hear from your ex too soon. If your ex reaches out and you get back together on the spot, nothing will have changed. You’ll both be the same people, stuck in the same patterns. It’s highly likely that you’ll break up again when the same problems resurface.
That’s why it’s much better for you and your ex to separate from each other completely for at least a few months. That way, you can focus on improving your shortcomings, letting go of hurt feelings, and finding reasons to be together. Once you’ve done all that, you can come back together to see if it’s possible to work together as a couple.
I know you want to hear from your ex now (especially now that you’re hurting), but you shouldn’t rush things. You guys should first figure out why the breakup happened and then do something about it. That’s the only way you can grow within and avoid breaking up again in the future.
So instead of focusing on when you might hear from your ex, focus on improving yourself. Your ex will have to do the same before he or she can be in a successful long-term relationship. If your ex doesn’t self-invest, your ex will have a lot of catching up to do later when he or she gets into a new relationship with you or someone else.
The most successful exes who get back together take their time to identify their shortcomings and improve them. By working on themselves, they learn more about themselves, each other, and relationships—and have better relationships because of it.
Keep in mind that exes come back on their own terms when they don’t have any other choice. They return when life gives them lemons and shows them that what they had with their ex was good. They just didn’t appreciate it because they focused too hard on things that weren’t working.
What you’re looking for from your ex is regret and a strong determination to invest in you, himself/herself, and the relationship. Without the right mindset and willpower to build a healthy relationship, your ex won’t grow much. Your ex will stay the same and likely leave again once he or she takes you and the relationship for granted.
Will I ever hear from my ex again if I told my ex to leave me alone?
Just because you told your ex not to contact you anymore doesn’t mean you’ll never hear from your ex again. Your ex isn’t staying away because of what you said after the breakup, but because your ex wants to stay away.
The breakup made your ex lose romantic feelings and the drive to communicate, so your ex now needs to redevelop it. I’m not saying your ex will fall back in love with you for sure, but it could happen if your ex’s post-breakup expectations fail to materialize.
For example, if your ex dates someone else and gets dumped unexpectedly or coldheartedly, your ex could go through something painful and need someone to lean on. That someone could be you if you stay composed and keep your distance until then. You mustn’t reveal that you’re hurt and that you need your ex significantly more than he or she needs you.
Your ex must think that you’ve got your emotions under control and that you’re not a threat to his or her well-being. To your ex, you must come across as someone who can get rid of problems and pain faster than anything or anyone else.
So don’t worry too much about the things you said or did during or soon after the breakup. If your ex continued to breadcrumb you or do something he or she shouldn’t be doing, you needed your ex to stop contacting you and making healing difficult for you. You had every right to ask for space and not to talk anymore.
Your ex might not have liked it, but he or she respected it nonetheless. By asking for space and focusing on yourself, you left a much stronger impression on your ex than you ever would have by begging and pleading. The greatest gift you can give an ex who left you is the gift of your absence.
Rest assured that your ex will contact you even if you asked for space. Your ex will do it because he or she will need to do it. When pain and regret settle in, your ex will break the silence and do what it takes to gain your approval and support.
Don’t be afraid!
Don’t let the fear of not hearing from your ex weigh you down or prevent you from enjoying your life. You might deeply want to hear from your ex and reconcile, but fear and anxiety don’t need to dictate your happiness or control your future.
They serve very little purpose in your life, so it’s important to manage them.
Avoid checking your phone constantly for your ex’s messages and start filling your time with meaningful activities. Focus on things that truly matter so you don’t remain emotionally dependent on your ex or waste your time waiting for an ex who isn’t choosing to be with you.
If you stay afraid, your ex will sense it when he or she reaches out and needs something from you. Your ex will see that you’ve put him or her on a pedestal and that you don’t value yourself nearly half as much as you value him or her. That will, in turn, create a huge power imbalance and make your ex lose his or her remaining interest.
Always remember that your ex won’t value you if you don’t value yourself. Your ex will want you back only if your value is the same or more than your ex’s. So make sure to value yourself. Do that by continuing to move on and enjoying your life as much as you can.
Are you still wondering if you’ll ever hear from your ex again? Now that you know the chances, do you feel more at ease? Share your thoughts and feelings in the comments below.
And if you’d like to talk to us about your breakup, click here to sign up for coaching.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hi Zan, my ex texted me after 28 days of NC. He was sweet and kind, and apologized for being distant. The convo was light and funny. He suggested we meet up for a coffee or drink. I was so relieved to hear from him as I honestly didn’t think NC would work! But, haven’t heard from him again. It’s been 5 days. I don’t want to initiate contact as he was the one who ended the relationship. He suggested we stay friends after the breakup but then slowly ghosted me. Should I go back into NC. Why isn’t he making more of an effort right now that the door is open??
If someone was so obsessed with you for like a year+ while you were in another relationship, and finally it happened but through long distance for 6 months? Those 6 months where amazing and the days were close we’re really perfect? But then suddenly they change and cheat on you and also throw a bomb that they are bulimic and self destructive? Are there chances they will come back? Or the relationship wasn’t long enough for them to make them regret ?
It started on the last day of her semester. She had just finished her last exam and I was congratulating her over text about how proud I was. Anyway I felt her off so I told her how I don’t want to eventually overstay my welcome with her and don’t want her to eventually lose attraction to me because its just bad timing. (She’s studying to go to medical school in two years, works and is in a sorority). She then replied with I’m right, she likes me but its the wrong time to be in a relationship. I’m hurt and sad so I tell her I wish her the very best and goodbye, to which she replies with my name followed by three dots, and a text saying “It doesnt mean its over forever unless thats what you want”. Well basically it ended with her saying that she would love to try in the future.
So the next day I went to her house and talked to her, I told her how I felt and how I didnt want to finish this over text and all that and she understood, I told her how shes special to me and all that and she smiled at all that, then we kissed and when we kissed she did the little nose flick she always does when we kiss and smiled at me as if we were together, then she said we will figure something out and that we can go on a date, and before I left she kissed me again this time and said text me sometime.
That weekend during work I brought her coffee to work during her break, and she came out gave me a kiss on the cheek, then on the lips and then a big hug further confusing me. Afterwards the next day I asked her if she would like to go on a date, to which she says “I’m just busy” several hours later. A few days later I realized that it seemed as if I had pushed her away through text which scared me thinking that she didn’t want to break up. So I went to see her the next day and she explains that I had indeed made her feel like I wanted to break up but she was also thinking about it because the timing was not ideal right now. With everything from school and work she did not have the time to fully devote the time I deserved and it was not fair for me or her. She said that she was happy with me as a person because I treated her so well but not the situation as it was truly bad timing. So I tell her that its okay I understand, I wont text you, visit you and I’ll get out of your life. To which she says I don’t want you out of my life, text me now and then to check up and let me know you’re okay. I texted her like 3 days later to hang out since she had a month since school started and no reply. I have not reached out ever since and its been 9 days. She still has me on all of her social media and her facebook still says in a relationship. I don’t know what is going to happen with us because I want her back.
Hi Zan, thanks for the research. I think a good follow up question to the people you asked is: how many of those that received contact actually reconciled with their ex? It is good to know that the odds place a 90%+ chance of contact, but it would be helpful to know whether it worked out in the long run or not. That way, it would reinforce your theory that waiting longer increases the odds of reconciliation or if it is just random.
Also, I am a believer in the law of attraction, but this law requires you to think positively about reconnecting with your ex in the present. How do you rectify indefinite no contact, push and pull, law of attraction, and exes come back after you forget about them? There seems to be a lot of contradiction in that mix. For example, I find it difficult to try to forget about my ex in indefinite no contact while, at the same time, practice the law of attraction. Any clarity would help. Thanks again for all your great articles. They are truly a life savor!
Hi
My ex was my best friend we were very close friends for 2 years and when I got abroad to study he proposed to me … we did long distance for an year and one day he told me that he does not love me anymore I begged cried and asked for a second chance when he blocked me I again and kept calling him though a mutual friends group and asked my mom to help. I really loved him but he says I was controlling and that I nagged him too much so he does not want to even see me ever … my case is different because my ex is my best friend but in last 4 months he only texted me once 🙁 then after he told me not to force him I told him will contact each other after 4 months when I go back to my home country. I did no contact for a month and just sent him mail asking him if he is doing fine he just replied with yes I am fine . Then again after a month I asked how r things going for him and he asked me to focus on my health and career. He never texts me should I wait for his text I so badly want to get back with him.
Its not no contact when you contact him first..
Hi there.
You need to wait for him to text and express the desire to get together with you.
I suggest that you don’t wait for that to happen and start moving on immediately, though. Don’t waste your well-being on an ex who isn’t interested in you.
Best,
Zan
He told me he didn’t want a girlfriend anymore after we dated about 3 months. He saw me holding hands with an ex, but I wasn’t cheating. I showed him my ex text messages that showed we weren’t together and only meeting on a business venture. He never let it go. I told him I wanted to be married one day. That was the last straw. He told me we could be friends with no labels. I declined. Then I told him I couldn’t see him and it was to hard for me. When I text him again he told me it’s better we not communicate. I was very hurt. I wasn’t eating, was crying and very distraught. I haven’t messaged him since that day. He hasn’t blocked me anywhere. Will I ever hear from him again?
Hi Nia.
You’ll probably hear from him. I think both of you have some thinking to do. You need to figure out why he felt betrayed and he needs to grow as a person to overcome his insecurities.
Stay strong!
Zan
My ex and I broke up in July. We dated for a year and we were really close to each other. She has a pretty damaging past. It’s been almost 4 months now and I begged her and pleaded but she said she has gotten numb and couldn’t process anything. A few weeks ago she found out I rejected a few dating options and she got really mad and jealous. Few days later she told our mutual friend that she still has feelings for me and that she just gets mad at me for reasons still unknown to her. She hasn’t had time to think properly because of distractions in her family. She said she will think about it when she goes to the US. She is currently in the states for 40 days visiting her cousins on a vacation. She will be coming back on the 28 of dec. am I stupid enough to keep hopes that she will come back? We didn’t talk much but everytime we did she kept on giving me mixed signals. Acting all nice and then cold all of a sudden. The last time I talked to her she said she was so close to coming back but a part of her hold her back. Is someone influencing her or is she confused I don’t know? I have gone no contact since the 2 of nov. That was the last time I talked to her. Is there a chance she might come back?
Hi, she might come back as she is a confused person. Doubt is never a good sign. The question is do you want to be with someone who is not sure about you?
My ex girlfriend broke up with me 3 months ago due to her feeling like she was putting too much in the relationship, We weren’t on the same level, suspected I was Playing her cause I remembered A girls name a day later, cause I was Imature, and cause I wasn’t enrolled in college. It all seemed like crap excuses just to get away from me. She told me we should cease contact when she broke up with me then “deleted my number” because she would be convinced to date me again if we continued to talk. And she said we both might never get closure from this break up. We didn’t speak for days then she and deleted and blocked me on every social media account there is and blocked my number. So I contacted Her to ask why she did this through something she hadn’t blocked me on and she said she was tired and blocked me again. It was the last time we spoke. Is there any chance I’ll hear from her again?
we Had been dating for 6 months. And it was going great. The breakup came out of nowhere litterally 2 days after we went on a fun date
Hi Kordel.
You’ll probably hear from her when she’s dealing with something stressful. That’s when she’ll drop her ego and talk to you on equal terms again.
Stay strong,
Zan
I literally haven’t heard from my ex since the day she broke up with me, and that was six months ago. I’ve heard from a friend that she’s now in a new relationship. I also know her new partner is someone she’s been romantically involved with before. This is how I know it’s not a rebound. And they didn’t get together straight after our breakup.
I keep hearing people saying they’ve heard from their exes after a couple of months or even just a matter of weeks. I’m trying not to feel discouraged, but it really seems my case might be part of that small statistic when an ex never reaches out again. Based on what i’ve described, do you think there could still be a chance i’ll hear from her eventually? I really need advice on this.
Hi K.
As you can see from my survey, most people hear from their exes.
But this doesn’t mean that they reconcile.
So get rid of your hope and continue moving forward.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Great article here. When we’re emotional it’s difficult for those despondent feelings to not cloud our thoughts and our judgement, so reading these facts is extraordinarily helpful. I have just gotten out of a one month “situationship”. He, for whatever reason, ghosted me. I truly can’t think of anything I did to cause it. When I realized what was happening, I didn’t “nag” with messages, no begging or pleading or accusations…I gave him a ring, asked him to call me back, and nothing…at this point I would just really appreciate closure, so I do hope he contacts again.
You handled it well. And you can close it yourself. Just close the door for this person.
I live in CO and dated a girl for about 6 weeks, it was intense with very strong chemistry and emotional connection. She poured out a lot of feelings she had for me. and we both felt that there was solid ground to stand on to continue dating and build little by little. But also disclosed that she lost a child about 3 years ago so was still dealing with that trauma. We had a series of great times together and then she suddenly cut it off, saying she didn’t feel she had the ability to take anything to the next level. Was unsure of her feelings and didn’t want to drag me through any volatility, said she had a lot of respect for me..etc. – we left things in a friendly way and were connected on Facebook, but I never interacted with her page. she suddenly blocked me after 3 weeks of NC even though we said we’d get in touch after a little time. It’s now been another 2 months (3 months total), I have not reached out to her at all for the entire 3 months. but the blocking really mystifies me.
Hi Ken.
She probably blocked you because she wants to move on.
It’s best that it stays that way so that she can process everything that’s happened to her.
And when she’s had enough time to think about you, she will probably unblock you.
Best regards,
Zan
Thanks Zan, I guess my hope was that the block was because she missed me, but it is what it is. I may never know the reason. Strangely she had me blocked on FB and FB messenger, then about a month ago unblocked me on the messenger app, but kept the block on FB. She hasn’t been in touch. I’ve stayed silent and invisible etc., I know grief is so difficult so I suppose I settle on her need for a lot of time and space, maybe I’ll hear something, maybe not. It’s been hard for me though although I’m doing all the things I should be continuing to live life.
Hi Ken.
Living life to your best is all you can do right now. So don’t waste even a second of your precious time.
Best,
Zan
Hi there,
I’ve stumbled across your page a few times and this one really spoke to me and I’d like your advice. So my ex boyfriend dumped me about 4 months ago in July. He said he fell out of love and it happened over time, but he didn’t want to fake it and hurt me. He said it started a month or two before the breakup and he ignored the feeling, but he was also going through a lot of personal things at the time. I asked if he fell out of love before or after the issues started and he replied that it was after. He also mentioned that he wasn’t able to talk to anyone else about his issues, and that he’s been closing himself off from everyone in his life. So what personal issues can make someone fall out of love so suddenly within two months? He and I were each other’s first real relationship, and neither of us have experienced a relationship like this before. We broke up a month shy of our one year anniversary and I’m afraid that he was just scared of a real commitment and things were getting too serious for him. Although he was definitely distancing himself from everyone, he seemed fine a month after the breakup. He was in Snapchats on his friends stories, he was attending a cousins wedding, he seemed happy with everyone except me. While I fell apart, he seemed okay.
During our relationship, he was busy with work and college a lot so I’d be annoyed he didn’t have time for me, but he really was a great boyfriend and I always reminded him how much I loved him. I somewhat begged him for the first two weeks after the breakup and he stopped responding so I did no contact for a month, then reached out with a funny text and we spoke again. He stopped replying again eventually so I did no contact again and reached out after another month and he engaged for a couple days and stopped. However, during this conversation he did tell me that he regrets not breaking up in person but he was afraid to see me cry. He said that he lost his feelings and he doesn’t think he sees a future for us and doesn’t want to string me along. He also said he wants to be alone and focus on himself, and I believe this because he was single for three years before he met me. I don’t think he’s the kind of guy to jump into rebounding with another girl, but some of my coworkers think it sounds like he found someone else. I didn’t suspect that of him because I figured he wouldn’t even bother to reply to me if there was another girl. So I was content with this conversation and I figured someday we’d be able to talk in person.
A few weeks after this conversation, he replied to a snap on my Snapchat story. All was going well, I brought up a funny memory from when we were together and he responded well. The conversation continued into the next morning but the most bizarre thing happened. I went to reply and I couldn’t. He had deleted me from Snapchat mid conversation. I texted him on iMessage to ask why he did that and I got no response. It’s been almost a month since that happened and I left him alone. I don’t want to continue chasing him, but I am so lost and I deserve an answer. I want to know what an expert thinks. Is there another girl? Is he depressed or going through something mentally that he can’t tell me? Is it something else? Please help. I’m sorry if this is too long but I wanted to give you enough details.
Hi Ann, the answer you are looking for is that he fell out of love with you, that he has lost his feelings for you, that he doesn’t want to hurt you or see you cry and that he doesn’t want to string you along and he sees no future with you. Any other reason (even if there is another girl) is irrelevant at this point.
You’re handling it very well by not chasing him even though you feel lost. That is the only thing you can do and should continue to do. Don’t initiate contact with him. Let him go through whatever he is going through on his own. He needs to figure things out and you should give him space and time to do that. I know it hurts, but as you move on, the hurt will lessen. The more detached you become, the stronger you will be and the less you will be preoccupied with his behaviour and the reasons behind it.
Hi Zan,
I have been reading your stuff and it is incredible. It makes sense . I am 43 years , happily married guy with kids. I am very attracted to another woman of 43 years . She is very fit and attractive, she happens to be my wife’s friend . We are from same home town. I befriended her in September 2012 while she was also in her marriage. She was initially shocked with my approach , but later came to talking terms on WhatsApp with my comfort and assurances that I like her as a friend. We chatted for few months ( while she shared her pictures during those time , she never asked mine anytime ) before my negative behavior and over pursuit had got me blocked in July 2013. I tried approaching with other ways/ numbers and social platforms , only to get blocked everywhere and no contact. Later in Feb 2015 I moved to another country for good and in May 2015 she lost her husband . I tried contacting her then ,but no response, and I later understand, she was in healing mode of her lost husband . She is a widow now and still single to this date. She has an adult daughter and active social life with other girlfriends and activities. Her husband has left behind good wealth and revenues and to this day she happily lives with her daughter.
In Jan 2018 , luck by chance , I got to connect her by IMO, and she responded and we got reconnected on the same texting mode . During one of the conversations , She expressed she has guilt of texting her friend’s spouse , but I always comforted her that its not your fault but it is mine . I was a bit better on my behavior then , while I was trying to learn stuff to get an ex back. I was cherry picking things here and there , and her attraction moved up a bit. In March 2018 She was traveling to my country , and with my invitation we met on a kind of date for lunch, she seems interested , she was there for 4 days and was inclined to meet me again but didn’t have a chance due to family’s presence. I thought I was on top of my world with this little happiness , and once again I fell back to my old ways of over pursuing. She never initiates the contact and I am the one who does 100%, she replies about 5 out of 10 times . Again my insecure behavior I got blocked in July 2018 , and I begged and chased and all the stuffs you mention in the articles. My brain always gave me illusions for action and I did everything my brain suggested without emotional control. I send sms every 2-3 months, to check if I do have a chance . She reads that but no response . I notice, the only thing she didn’t block my number for phone or texting Last sms was in Aug 2019.
Now I realize all the negative things I have done to suffocate her and push her away; literally almost all the things you have been mentioning in your articles. I vow for an indefinite no contact now , and not to go back on my old patterns and behaviour. I am now beginning to get concepts of attraction and how it works. I have read your articles and it gives immense boost and confidence. I will do what it takes to become a better version of myself , Me 2.0
I know iam hung up only on this one particular woman, which is not the best way to go. I wonder do I still have a chance with her , given the situations I mentioned above and she never intiates contacts, Whats your taken this and whats your advice?
Bur for sure ham not going to contact her and fall back to old behaviours. Your kind advice awaited
Hello Imran,
If i were you i would think twice before reaching out to her.
You have a wife,kids, you are happy.
Why you want to destroy your family?!
If your wife will find out that you reach out to her friend, she will be mad.
Maybe her friend will tell her someday you keep contacting her.
It’s not healty for you,for your family.
My opinion is to be gratefull of what you have,
Cheers,
Mihail
Sorry but what you are doing is a terrible thing. How can you say you are happily married and then proceed to tell everyone about how you want to pursue another woman, your wife’s friend no less!
One day your wife is going to find out and you are going to lose everything. Learn how to be happy with the person you are with (unless it is a situation of abuse) and work on growing together as a couple. Stop pining for something else whilst keeping your wife around only because the other woman doesn’t want anything serious with you. You are extremely inappropriate and your family does not deserve this at all. Have some respect for the person you chose to commit to and have a family with.
Hi Zan, thanks for this great Blog. My Girlfriend broke up with me in August 2018 after 5 years of an intense relationship with nearly no fighting and no big issues. She said she didn’t love me anymore but also said that she still had been happy just one month before. We went NC for 1 Month, then we started dating again but it was more like an affair that lastet 7 month, until March 2019. We made great progress in that time, but during this 2nd try she said that this could be a mistake. Never the less both of us had a great time, I respected that she needed space, it was fine. At the end of this 7 month i started pushing, because i finally needed to know how we will go on. Surprise – thats when the 2nd breaks accured. After this she kept contacting an friendzoning me for a month. She got better every day, i got worse, ended up pleading. I went into No Contact and broke it twice, first time after 2 weeks to get my things back, 2nd time after 3 month for other organizational reasons that needed to be done. At this 2nd time she was cold like we never existed. In Septembre 2019 she didn’t even reach out to my birthday. its been about 6 month now since the 2nd break – can i still hope she will ever reach out again ore are we just done? Thanks a lot!
Hi Alex.
You will probably hear from her again.
I think she’ll have to date some other guys and realize what she’s lost the hard way.
She basically lost appreciation for you due to the lack of gratitude.
I strongly suggest you never plead for someone again and stay strong!
Best,
Zan
hi zan, thanks for the reply. what i‘m really butchering myself for are some stupid mistakes i did after the break up – i tried to play cool but cleary wasn‘t. now with some space between it i really think it looked pathetic – even worse than begging. this moments i really was acting out of character happend 2 or 3 times… i‘m just scared that these were the last nails in the coffin
Hi Alex.
There’s no point in mulling over the past. What’s done is done. That’s why it’s best that you accept and learn from your mistakes so that you don’t repeat them in the future.
You’ve got this!
Zan
Hi Zan, thanks again! I know that i have learned a lesson here. I’m focusing on myself for months now, i’m doing good and won’t do the same mistakes again. What i really would like to know so hard that it’s driving me insane: Did i *** up too hard. Did i push her too far with my behavior. As more it comes distant I think i did some really embarrasing stuff, like talking to her family, I think she also saw me googeling NC – Dude. I just feeI shame. I know i can’t contact her, but i feel this strong need to apologize for being an idiot. If i knew i pushed it too far, than i maybe could move on at least… Should i still remain silent? I guess i know the answer already.
Thanks for your work, you’re helping a lot of people.
Alex
Hi Alex.
Only your ex knows how far you’ve pushed her. All we can do at this point is wait if she’ll ever have a change of heart.
You also know that you can’t apologize anymore. What’s done is done.
And if we’re completely honest, she quite frankly doesn’t care, so focus on yourself as only your well-being matters from this point onward.
Kind regards,
Zan
My Ex and I date for about 13 months. Ex is now seeing her good guy friend (saw him like a brother she said) after 6 weeks from break up. Reconnected with him June 28th and we officially broke up July 25th. She said I was possessive/controlling/overbearing when she was out with her friends. I understand her point of view however I think she had a role in that.
One night i told her that i was tired and she should go have fun with her friend. Ill see her the next day. She texted me and we argued a little then i caved and came out. The next friday, she was seeing more of her guy friends including her now bf and was supposed to invite me out. Never did. I was texting her throughout the night but never brought it up or anything. I did ask who was there and where they were bar hopping due to the fact I was supposed to go out with them too. We talked that weekend and she brought up that she can’t talk to who she wants when im around or flirt with her guy friends which she said was fine because they know she has a bf. I have never told her not to talk to anyone before that so it caught me off guard. I guess it confused me as to what she really wanted. 2 weeks before all this, she got mad because I was at a bachelors party and had to go to my parents for fathers day and we weren’t going to see eachother that weekend. I ended up stopping by. So i guess i was confused as to what she really wanted.
I tried letting her have her freedom in certain situations and she wanted to only be with me and other situations she only wanted to be with her friends and i told her that i wanted to be with her (we only hung out on weekends and not during the week). Is there a possibility that she will recognize the confusion and reach out after a certain amount of time or with her being with her new bf, is that going to take longer than it usually would? There really wasn’t much time between myself and the new guy in terms of “Dating”.
Hi Tk.
Perhaps she will realize your worth once her other options fail her. Until then, stay in no contact and better yourself.
That way, you will either attract her back or someone better.
Kind regards,
Zan
Well, I’ve been dating this girl for almost 3 years now (our anniversary is supposed to be in 8days). I broke up with her in February but we never stopped talking nor meeting. But we did a month ago when i did something very stupid which was dating a friend in common. She blocked me everywhere and pretending that i don’t even exist. I tried reaching her out many times but she never really answers until a few days ago she sent me a text in which she said that she moved on and her feelings for me are over.
We also had a conversation yesterday and she kept saying that she doesn’t care about me and i should get her out of my life. She also said that she hates me
What should i do? It’s really hard to get over her after 3years of dating and i still love her man..
HI, Bartholomew.
You do nothing but wait for her mood to change (if it ever does).
You will hear from her if she has a change of heart.
Until then, you prioritize yourself just how she does.
Best,
Zan
Hi Zan
It’s been 8 months since our breakup and 6 months of No contact.
Looks like I might be in the ten percent of people rather than the 90 percent :(. I’m starting to think I might be one of those that never hears as I haven’t heard a direct sausage in six months.
It’s so hard. I could understand if I was one of the one in ten if I’d spent 5 months grovelling or that we had a brief rele. But it was a ten year rele and we had what she described as a calm breakup.
As you know she blocked me 3 months after I went NC. That’s it.
I know she moves in a few weeks to start a new career and that’s probably been a source of something to focus on since she ended it. She dumped me 8 months ago right after getting the job offer. I’m sad at the moment as find myself ruminating that once she finally moves, new job, new people, new city, I’ll be a distant memory and that’ll be it for good.
Hi Dave.
Even if she moves away and changes everything down to her socks, she is still going to think about you quite often.
It’s impossible not to when she’s spent 10 years with you. She’s shaped her personality with the help of you and she is going to be reminded of that very often. The jokes, the way she speaks, personality traits, way of living, etc.
You will probably hear from her in the future, my friend. I don’t want to give you any hope, but when you do, she might just want to come back right away.
The thing is, you don’t want to hear from her before she’s ready to come back anyway. It’s not worth it if you ask me. I’m sure you agree with me on that?
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi and thanks for your material. I think you have the best material to get a substantial understanding of break-ups. All other coaches beat around the bush regarding length of time in NC or when exes come back.
My situation involves a very insecure beauty. She had trauma in her childhood (father left her at home for 10 years when she was 10 after it was discovered he was cheating on her mother). Since she was the one who found her father speaking on the phone with his mistress, she has abandonment issues and one of her triggers is the phone. My mobile caused lots of drama.
Anyway, she broke up with me because I was just too frustrated with the drama. It has been almost 5 months of NC. I noticed a FB Page that she created to provide life coaching that she is sharing posts about relationships, being appreciated by her lover and in general she seems very sad and somewhat angry. From what she can see from my social media, I am enjoying life (not with other women as I cannot date now, rather, just living my life).
My question, is this good news? For her to go through this anger / sadness phase? I am not happy about her sadness or anger, rather, I feel bad for her, but on the other hand, it is encouraging that she is now dealing with the break-up.
Your thoughts?
Of course, she may have met another guy and feeling sadness over him… but we had a very strong love and she cried and continuously told me she loves me when we broke up.
Thanks in advance. 🙂
After a 4 yr reationship, she pulled the trigger. I did the pleading/ begging for a bit, then told her i won’t beg for love nor is my dignity negotiable. Have done NC a few times as it’s hard living 3 houses down. She texted a few times for picking up my belongings, health insurance info, And even to get her a word document I did for her. She has not asked me to return keys to the house. May 24 through 26 she is at resort with her kids (I’m NC day 3) Zhe posted pix on social “very happy with my kids” caption. I see right through the facade. Sunday 26th is Mother’s day in Caribbean, Monday 27th is her birthday! I refuse to reward her behaviour, won’t texte on bday nor mother day. Your thoughts and expertise is greatly appreciated.
Hi jay.
You’re right. You shouldn’t reward any negaive behavior as she doesn’t deserve it. As for the pictures, anything that gets posted on social media is depicted in a positive light. You only get to see the best of people and very seldom their worst.
Wait for her to start giving more. Only then can you finally converse like human beings.
Best,
Zan
Thanks for the reply, Zan.
This transpired last Friday. My ex contacted a female friend of mine and tore into her over me giving her a gift with no vested interest on my part, but ex portrayed jealousy. She than grabbed a black plastic bag and dropped off a few items that where still at her house at a neighbors place. I did not contact her and simply retrieved my items as if nothing. Not sure how to interpret this infantile behaviour. Please help.
Thanks
Hi Jay.
Many dumpers blatantly exhibit jealousy. Your ex is simply acting on impulse without giving much thought to her actions. She needs some time to cool off. Stay in NC and let her do as she wishes.
Zan
My exgirlfriend contacted me to pick somethings she still had in my Home after 6 Months!!, just some clothes an a plant. She is coming next week, does this count ? What took her so long? 😅
Hi Cid.
Your ex likely used her trivial belongings as an excuse to see you. If she didn’t need these items in the past half a year, I doubt she badly needs them now.
It probably took her this long because she’s been doing a lot of thinking or/and something has happened in her life. You will find out soon by the way she thinks, talks and acts.
Best,
Zan
My ex used to be in a 3 year serious relationship before he met me. 5 months after the end of the relationship that’s when we met and he was head over heels about me. He rushed things he was so romantic he was convinced i was the girl of his dreams and that i am the best person he had ever met. We met in summer and everything was so great until school started again and he started seeing his ex everyday.. his ex is completely done with him but i guess she still has an effect on him because every time he sees her he gets reminded how broken he really is. He tried for a while to make our relationship work but when i was giving all of me he was just giving me half of his.. finally he let me go because he realized he is not ready for a relationship and can’t give me what i deserve.. Is he ever going to regret this decision and realize i am so much better than his toxic ex and wants me back again?