Why Do I Keep Dreaming About My Ex?

If it been a while since you and your ex broke up and you’re asking yourself, “Why do I keep dreaming about my ex” know that it’s perfectly normal to dream about an ex even years after the breakup.

In fact, many (if not most) people do.

Some dream about their ex once in a blue moon and others, nearly every night. The frequency of ex-dreams after the breakup really depends on the intensity of negative emotions people experience during and after the breakup.

If they experience pain, separation anxiety, crushed hopes, shattered self-esteem, depression, and disorientation—they unknowingly store unpleasant feelings of grief deep into their subconscious and think about them even when they’re asleep.

This occurs because they feed their brain with distress and tell their brain that there’s a big problem they need to solve—and that they can’t rest until they find a solution or some kind of closure.

Because of this, the brain quickly becomes overwhelmed with important information, activates its problem-solving regions, and attempts to crack the case even during its resting hours.

Keep in mind that the brain never stops working. It may be repairing cells, restoring energy, and taking care of various biological processes when you’re asleep, but most of its functions remain active.

Although scientists, neurologists, and various dream experts still don’t know exactly how the brain works, they do know that stressful, traumatic events (even the ones that occurred a long time ago) may sometimes manifest themselves in a form of a dream.

The reason they show up unexpectedly is very simple. The brain wants to process anxiety or unprocessed thoughts and emotions and become stress-free again.

So if you can’t stop wondering, “Why do I keep dreaming about my ex, the answer is that you haven’t processed everything you need to process yet.

You still think, worry, or obsess about your ex (at least to some degree) and haven’t been able to let go of your ex completely just yet.

What you need is more time to deal with the trauma of the breakup, happy, reassuring thoughts, and lots of distractions to keep you busy.

That way, you’ll slowly push your ex out of your subconscious and open your heart and mind to thoughts and dreams that don’t involve your ex.

Today’s post is for those who are concerned because they keep dreaming about their ex.

Why do I keep dreaming about my ex?

As you know, dreaming about an ex is common. It’s also common to see your ex in a dream with someone else because whether you want to or not, your brain is always going to show you pictures that you don’t want to see.

It will especially show you pictures that you hate to see because those are the images that bring the strongest emotional reaction out of you.

By no means does it mean that your biggest fears and nightmares are going to come true or that you’re about to get punished for something you’ve done, but it does mean that you have some work to do.

You have to work on accepting the past (if you feel sad or guilty) and learn to let go of that which you can no longer benefit from.

Frequent ex-dreams are essentially reminders that your ex is still on your conscious and that you haven’t separated yourself from your ex just yet. You may have let go of reconciliation hope, but there’s still a part of your ex in you that hasn’t left your system yet.

To determine if your ex still owns a spot in you heart, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Does seeing my ex with someone else hurt me?
2. How would I feel if my ex got married right away?
3. Am I emotionally ready to give my current/next partner everything I’ve got?
4. Do I feel angry, sad, vengeful, or anything negative towards my ex?

If you discover that your ex makes you anxious or that he or she makes you feel unwanted emotions, you have the explanation you’ve been looking for. You feel incomplete because deep inside, you haven’t gotten over your ex yet.

If you’re the dumpee and you feel anxious, you likely expect your ex to validate your existence and want your ex to show you that you matter.

But if you’re the dumper, then chances are that you feel guilty for the way you handled the breakup/hurt your ex and that you wish you’d been more mindful of your behavior and your ex’s feelings.

If you keep wondering, “Why do I keep havings dreams about my ex,” this picture will help you understand better.

Actual reasons why you’re dreaming about your ex

It’d be nearly impossible to list all the reasons behind your frequent ex-dreams. But here are some of the most common ones that may relate to you.

1. You’re not over your ex yet and want him or her back.
2. You want reassurance because your ex destroyed your confidence and self-esteem.
3. You don’t want to move on/regain your independence.
4. Your ex breadcrumbs you or strings you along and prolongs your emotional dependence.
5. You’ve dated someone new too soon and rebounded.
6. You’re with someone who doesn’t fulfill your emotional needs.
7. You’re missing your ex’s positive characteristics.
8. Something or someone hurt you and triggered your need for love and comfort.
9. You saw your ex in person/on social media and suffered an emotional setback.
10. You can’t forgive yourself for hurting your ex.
11. You blame yourself for your poor behavior.
12. You’re not happy with yourself and current circumstances in life.
13. You still think that your ex is your ideal partner and have high expectations of him or her.
14. You haven’t forgiven your ex and hold a grudge against him or her.
15. You’re plotting revenge on your ex.
16. You’ve found out your ex spoke ill of you.
17. Your ex’s words or actions hurt you and took your hope for reconciliation away.
18. You’re thinking about your ex, stalking your ex, or analyzing your ex and his or her behavior.
19. You’re enhancing your ex-dreams with anger, sadness, or nostalgia.
20. You need more time to process the past and leave your ex behind.

If you or your ex directly or indirectly triggered your brain to dream about your ex, you need to learn from your experience, protect yourself from potential stressors, and make sure that you minimize the number of ex-dreams in the future.

You need to do this so that you can recover from the breakup as quickly as possible and live an independent, ex-free life.

The dangers of dreaming about an ex

Sometimes dreams (especially nightmares) can seem so real that we mistake them for reality and suffer because of them. The shock and fear we under can even wake us up in the middle of the night and cause us to perspire, shake, cry, and prevent us from falling asleep again.

But the worst thing about dreams isn’t that they have a momentary effect on us.

The worst thing about dreaming about something painful like an ex-partner is that dreams give us a taste of our desires or fears and trap us with them.

By trapping us, they give us what we think we want (false hope) or don’t want (bad memories) and shock us, trigger anxiety, reset healing, and increase our longing.

Please note that the most realistic dreams usually occur during a sleeping phase called REM (rapid eye movement) when the brain is the most active. This is the time when your imagination is capable of recalling past (traumatic) events in great detail and making you relieve them in great detail.

According to dream experts, a person can have as many as 6 dreams a night, but most of the time, we remember just one or two of them. The ones that we remember are usually the dreams that make us feel strong emotions.

Anyway, occasional ex-dreams are completely harmless as they usually occur randomly out of the blue when you’re perfectly happy, thinking about anything but your ex.

Frequent, every-day ex-dreams, on the other hand, aren’t that harmless. They can be very dangerous for you because they can trigger anxiety, withdrawals, setbacks, fears, panic attacks, nausea, and cause various long-term mental and physical consequences.

If you don’t put an end to unwanted ex-dreams and they consume you, you could get caught in a cycle of never-ending, self-harming misery and stay dependent on your ex for approval, self-esteem, and self-love.

This codependency from not wanting to move on or from lacking the strength to move on could essentially keep you in the past and prevent you from living your life the way you want to live it.

Does my ex dream about me too?

If your ex is the dumper and he or she doesn’t particularly feel guilty, regretful, or nostalgic about you, your ex most likely doesn’t dream about you. He or she just doesn’t have the emotional stimuli to dream about someone who doesn’t occupy his or her mind throughout the day.

If your relationship lasted for months or years and you’re in no contact, know that your ex definitely thinks about you every now and then, but your ex probably doesn’t dream about you.

At least not very often.

It’s possible that your ex dreams about you infrequently because you’re still a part of his or her long-term memory, but those dreams are completely random. They aren’t caused by emotions and don’t hurt your ex, nor make him or her feel nostalgic.

Your ex probably forgets about them within five minutes of waking up.

You (assuming you’re the dumpee), on the other hand, likely dream about your ex because of the trauma your ex has caused to you on the day of the breakup. That was the day when your ex overdosed you with anxiety and forced you to think about him/her non-stop.

In summary, dumpers usually don’t care much about their dumpee or even their behavior because they think of themselves as victims. As a result, they dream about their ex-partner less commonly than dumpees do.

Normally, they experience ex-dreams when something bad happens to them because that’s when their brain is looking for solutions and backup options.

What does it mean when an ex appears in your dreams?

Have you ever asked yourself what it means when you dream about something random? Something like cooking a meal in your house or going to a friend’s birthday party?

You probably haven’t because those particular dreams were so insignificant to you that you couldn’t care less about their deeper meaning.

They happened so rarely that you barely remember them.

This means that infrequent ex-dreams shouldn’t matter to you either. They are just dreams, so don’t overanalyze them and think that they’re a sign from the universe.

If you consider them as more than dreams, you’ll probably think about your ex a lot, start to feel more toward him or her, and consequently, turn infrequent ex-dreams into regular ex-dreams.

That’s when you’ll self-sabotage your post-breakup recovery and probably start wanting to talk to your ex again.

How do I stop dreaming about my ex?

The best way to deal with unwanted dreams is to dismiss their importance the moment you encounter them.

For example, if you wake up because of an ex-dream, simply remind yourself that the dream is just a dream and that it doesn’t mean anything. Convey to yourself that it’s normal to dream about someone who was a part of your life and that it’s now time to move forward with your life.

By dismissing your dreams, you’ll essentially nullify the momentary effect they have on you, calm yourself down, and as a result, experience fewer of them in the future.

So do your best not to think about your ex and ex-dreams and everything will turn out just fine.

Here’s how you can stop dreaming about your ex:

1. Understand why you keep dreaming about your ex.
2. Seek professional help or solitarily develop the ability to minimize the frequency of ex-dreams.
3. Refuse to give meaning to your dreams and dismiss them.
4. Rinse and repeat.

The quickest, most painless way for you to stop dreaming about your ex is to stay in control of your thoughts and emotions whenever you dream about your ex and go back to sleep.

If it’s time for you to get up, however, then simply find something else to think about. If you can’t think about anything, open a book and start reading. The key to breaking any pattern, obsession, or fear is to do the opposite of what gives it strength.

In your case, it’s fear, sadness, anger, nostalgia, or frustration.

So stop yourself from feeling those emotions by distracting yourself with something that captivates your attention. That way, you’ll stop feeding your ex-dreams with negative emotions and break the dream loop.

Dreams about seeing your ex or confronting an ex that ghosted you

You may already know that my ex faked our relationship, cheated on me, and ghosted me.

When he did that, he hurt me so much that I blamed myself for his behavior and consequently, ruined my confidence and self-esteem. I wanted to ask him so many questions about his actions and get some kind of information as to why he left.

But sadly, I heard nothing from him because he stopped responding to my texts and calls. It seemed as if he didn’t care where I was, what I was thinking, and how I was doing.

The truth is that it didn’t just seem that way. It was absolutely true. And that’s what traumatized me so much that it caused me to dream about my ghosting ex. I basically dreamed about him after the breakup because he’d denied me the closure that I thought I deserved.

I didn’t need him to stay with me and babysit me, but I did expect a little more compassion out of someone whom I’d given my heart to. Needless to say, my expectations of him being a good person came back to bite me in the form of an ex-dream as I almost immediately dreamed about confronting him about his disappearance.

In my dream, I wanted him to own up to his mistakes and to reassure me that I didn’t deserve to be treated so poorly.

This was my brain’s way of trying to give me what I thought I needed – reassurance. And of course, the brain didn’t really hand it over to me. It just made my heart beat faster than usual and caused me unnecessary anxiety.

That was the time when I still wanted my ex back.

But now (years later), that’s no longer the case. I still sometimes dream about my ex, but I no longer ask myself, “Why do I keep dreaming about my ex.” I know that my occasional dreams about him are random and that I don’t want him back anymore.

My feelings for him ran out during no contact.

That’s why I’m extremely grateful that my ex went back to his ex and gave me an opportunity to pull myself together. I would rather be completely done with an ex on the day of the breakup than to constantly receive breadcrumbs from an ex and scratch my head about his intentions.

I hope that this article has helped you answer the question, “Why do I keep dreaming about my ex?” I’d like to hear what you think about ex-dreams and how you deal with yours. Comment below.

Angelie

I’m Angelie, a writer and a designer at Magnet of Success. Whether I’m writing compelling content or designing engaging pictures, I create content that resonates with our visitors and aids them on their self-improvement journey. I enjoy writing about relationship dynamics and the difficulties couples may face.