When your ex starts dating right away or soon after the breakup, your ex’s actions have a lot to say about your ex’s personality. They indicate that your ex has been planning the breakup for a while and that your ex has been looking for a strong incentive to finally pull the trigger.
Since your ex questioned your ability to make your ex happy, something very relationship-damaging started happening in your ex’s mind.
Your ex started experiencing the grass is greener syndrome and entertaining the idea that you weren’t his or her ideal partner. You were someone your ex was meant to be with only temporarily until he or she got bored and found someone more entertaining to be with.
Due to your ex’s poor relationship mindset, the positive aspect of your relationship, therefore, soon lost its value. All that mattered to your ex were the negative things your ex focused on. That’s why your ex established the idea that you weren’t good for him or her and that it was okay to be happy with someone else.
Your ex needed to put himself or herself first and finally be happy. So your ex did just that. He or she developed some new beliefs. The biggest one was that your ex could do better.
At that point, you were still unaware of the fact that your ex was thinking about dating someone else and that your ex was with one foot out the door already.
All your ex needed to break up with you was for someone to ask him or her out—or for you to make one final mistake and push him or her over the edge.
Eventually, one of these two things happened and caused your ex to give up completely.
That’s when your ex started feeling repulsed by you and thinking it was okay to start dating someone right away. There was no shame in doing that because happiness comes first, right? Quotes on Facebook and Internet say so, at least.
So if your ex started dating right away and you want to know why, stick around. This article will explain what’s happening to your ex after the breakup.
When your ex starts dating right away
By the time the breakup ensued, your ex had already detached.
He or she felt tired and unhappy, so your ex became open to new romantic opportunities that would distract your ex from the “awful” past and make your ex happier and energized.
Your ex likely first considered dating his or her exes, people who confessed their feelings in the past, and even those who appeared to be a huge downgrade. Perhaps your ex even signed up for dating websites and tried to move on as quickly as possible.
You probably don’t know what your ex did.
But the point is that it didn’t take long before your ex found someone who expressed an interest in dating your ex. Nowadays, it’s ridiculously easy to find someone to date.
Because of dating apps like Tinder and other easy ways to connect with people, your ex was able to quickly arrange a date and sweep his or her emotions and personal shortcomings under the rug. By doing so, your ex dodged every valuable lesson your ex was supposed to learn from the breakup and focused on dating.
Rather than learning more about relationships and breakup emotions as well as improving his or her shortcomings, your ex just followed his or her heart and instincts. This means that your ex chose to run away from problems and put the blame on you.
Your ex didn’t want to be held accountable, so your ex decided to try his or her luck with someone new.
You must understand that if your ex didn’t feel victimized that your ex would still be with you today. Your ex wouldn’t need to date other people because your ex would understand that he or she has things to work on.
Dumpers are selfish
Since your ex felt smothered and unhappy, your ex associated a lot of unhealthy emotions with you. Your ex was certain that you made him/her feel those emotions even though it was your ex who developed unhealthy perceptions and emotions that destroyed the relationship.
I’m not saying you were perfect, but you can’t blame yourself for someone’s negative feelings and perceptions. Your ex was responsible for maintaining his or her opinion of you and love for you. If your ex stopped maintaining them, that had almost nothing to do with what you were like as a person.
It had everything to do with your ex’s ability to handle negativity and resolve it before it got out of control. Your ex needed to understand that every person is responsible for his or her thoughts and emotions. Other people may affect them, but as long as the relationship is healthy, there’s no need to focus on the negative aspect of the relationship.
People who do that fall out of love and/or develop resentments.
So bear in mind that your ex wasn’t very self-aware of what was going on inside him/her. Your ex was just reacting to positive and negative emotions and eventually got overwhelmed by them. This happens when a person lacks the skills and willpower to express negative emotions and solve problems.
Now that your ex is dating someone else, though, you can’t expect your ex to become a self-aware problem-solver. You can expect your ex to remain the same because people don’t change easily. They need a strong reason to change. And they tend to find this strong reason when they get wounded badly and realize that they need to change or they’ll continue to experience the same issues and suffer.
Different person, same story
When your ex starts dating someone else right away, your ex ignores the lessons he or she was supposed to learn from the relationship.
We’re not talking just about realizing what your ex could have done better in the romantic relationship with you. We’re also talking about improving relationship skills and shortcomings. And that’s something that takes a lot of time and effort.
Self-improvement comes in many stages. It starts with the realization that a person has things to work on (often caused by pain), followed by motivation or desperation to change those things, and finally, a lot of hard work, time, and perseverance.
It’s absurd to expect your ex to change without a goal or desire. Your ex can’t change by chance. It’s impossible because there is no such thing as random growth.
Simply realizing what he or she has done wrong won’t improve your ex’s behavior, and neither will jumping straight into the next relationship. Your ex could avoid some personality clashes with this new person, but other than that, old thinking and behavioral patterns will remain. They’ll show up when your ex stops feeling infatuated with the new person and stops pretending to be someone he or she is not.
So if you’re afraid that your ex will have a much better relationship with the new person, rest assured that merely changing romantic partners won’t make a big difference. Couples argue, bicker, and face various disagreements because they lack maturity, impulse control, and various relationship skills.
They don’t change a zilch if they don’t want to change and make the effort to change.
You see, people don’t automatically improve their flaws when they start dating someone new. This is because their relationship starts with the infatuation phase (happiness and validation), which kills their motivation.
Why did my ex start dating right away?
When your ex starts dating right away, your ex does that for a few possible reasons.
The most reasonable explanation is that your ex is over you and wants to get to know another person as soon as possible. That person could make your ex feel loved and give your ex the kinds of feelings he or she had been craving in the relationship with you.
This, of course, doesn’t have anything to do with how attractive you are and what you were like as a romantic partner. Even though your self-esteem is trying to make you doubt your worth, don’t let it. Remember that your ex dating someone new right away shows that your ex is in a hurry to date and that your ex is probably a bit afraid of being alone.
Your ex needs to be in a relationship because relationships boost your ex’s self-esteem and give your ex someone to confide in.
As long as your ex receives validation, support, and various relationship benefits from the new person, your ex will be more than satisfied in a relationship with this new person. He or she will appear happy and might make you feel jealous of the person he or she posts on social media.
But when your ex encounters problems and/or gets dumped, your ex will once again need someone to rely on. That person could be you or someone he or she got to know before. That’s when your ex will likely repeat the same cycle as before, which entails looking for someone new to connect with and once again neglect the need to reflect and grow.
People who start dating someone new right away tend to do that repeatedly. It’s not a one-time thing for them because their emotional needs stay the same after every breakup. The only time they change is when they willingly work on them and/or feel forced to work on them.
Here’s a picture explaining why your ex started dating someone new right away.
Your ex lacks a lot of self-love
When your ex starts dating right away and skips introspection, your ex immediately sets himself or herself up for failure regardless of whether he or she stays with the new person. That’s because your ex misses out on breakup lessons that would allow your ex to become the best version of himself or herself.
Dating another person so soon indeed makes your ex feel accepted and loved. But just because your ex found someone new to love and to be loved by, that doesn’t mean that your ex will improve his or her self-love and behavior.
Sure, people mature a bit with age and time, but not a whole lot. You probably know someone who at the age of 50 still acts immature or lacks self-control and other important values. That person hasn’t found an opportunity to grow yet. He or she had been living life by reacting to stressors and problems rather than responding to them.
So keep in mind that real change doesn’t happen with age but rather when people:
- Want to improve.
- Need to improve.
Those are the only two ways for growth to happen. It’s sad that the second way motivates people way more often and creates better results than the first one. But that’s because a need to grow doesn’t feel good and forces people to change something about themselves.
For people to want to improve, however, they usually need to encounter a need to improve first. They need to go through some unpleasant experience that makes them self-aware and capable of changing without external pressures.
I’m telling you this so you know that it may still be too early for your ex to change willingly. It’s much, much more likely that something unpleasant will have to happen to your ex first. Something that forces your ex to develop self-awareness and stop relying on other people for self-love and recognition.
Your ex lacks validation
The reason why your ex started dating someone new so quickly most likely has something to do with the length of your relationship. If it’s been a while since your ex felt how falling in love feels, your ex probably wants to experience that love phase again.
Your ex wants to feel validated and empowered by it so that your ex can feel important and strong enough to handle life matters confidently and securely.
This new person can now give your ex everything your ex needs for a while. There won’t be many issues or arguing because everything will be new and exciting. They will just focus on love and continue to feel the butterflies without a worry in the world.
We could say that the new person is your ex’s savior. He or she will distract your ex for a while and show your ex that relationships aren’t supposed to be so difficult.
In reality, though, all relationships have ups and downs. They have challenges, problems, occasional disagreements, and sometimes even temptations to cheat. It’s how couples respond to these difficulties that determines whether couples are ready for a serious romantic relationship or if they still need to work on themselves for a while.
If you ask me, all couples should take a bit of a break when their long-term relationship ends. Even if it’s a short-term relationship, they should still try to figure out what went wrong so they can improve the things they need to improve and have more successful relationships afterward.
Self-esteem
Your ex could also start dating someone immediately after you to boost his or her ego and self-esteem. These two things could make your ex rely on another person for basic human needs such as personal security and self-acceptance.
If that’s what your ex is doing, your ex needs a lot of care, reassurance, and affection. If your ex doesn’t get them from the new person, it could cause problems in their new relationship.
Jealousy, possessiveness, and controlling behavior are just some of the problems they could face.
So bear in mind that an ex who needs a person to be happy doesn’t feel content on his or her own. That person needs someone else to feel secure, fulfilled, and strong to deal with the problems life throws at him/her.
The problem is that a person like that requires someone with a lot of energy and understanding. An ordinary person likely won’t understand why your ex is unhappy and will feel exhausted.
So if you’re wondering why your ex started dating right away without taking the time to process the breakup, here’s an infographic that will explain why.
Taking responsibility
It goes without saying that the breakup was inevitable. Something needed to change because you, your ex, or both weren’t as happy as you needed to be to make the relationship work. Or if you were happy, you needed to work together and improve your thinking patterns, set some new goals, and practice gratitude.
That’s why if you’re blaming yourself for the breakup, you need to stop. Your ex is just as responsible for the breakup as you. I suppose the problem is that your ex doesn’t agree with this statement. If your ex agreed, your ex would have taken a break from dating to work on personal flaws. But instead, your ex rushed into a relationship with someone else and made it seem like you were solely responsible for the breakup.
Whatever you do, don’t think that your ex’s actions show you have the most work to do. All they show is that your ex got tired of the relationship and that he or she has no plans to spend his or her post-breakup time and energy thinking about the breakup.
Your ex wants to focus on the future instead.
And that’s okay. Your ex doesn’t have to change anything if he or she doesn’t want to. Your ex can just ignore old problems and run into the same or similar problems in the future. That will be karma for your ex and perhaps even your revenge if you still care.
Your ex will have a tough road ahead
When your ex starts seeing someone else immediately after the breakup, know that your ex keeps old relationship skills and applies them to the new relationship. By doing so, your ex gets the same results only with a different person.
But your ex doesn’t know that right now. Your ex still thinks that you’re responsible for the breakup and that someone new will make a perfect boyfriend or girlfriend.
And for a while, that will probably be true. Your ex will be very excited to start a romantic relationship with someone he or she can start fresh with.
It will probably take your ex months to realize that the new relationship isn’t perfect and that it will require a lot of work just like any other relationship.
This will force your ex to open his or her eyes and see things more clearly. If your ex doesn’t resent you or think you’re a bad person, your ex may even compare the new person to you. It all depends on the quality of your ex’s new relationship and your ex’s happiness in it.
Your ex doesn’t know what he or she did
Since your ex felt emotionally drained from the miserable end of the last relationship, your ex didn’t feel that he or she was rushing into another relationship. Your ex was over you, so your ex saw the new person as a great opportunity and a solution to his or her unhappiness.
Your ex truly believed that this new person would make him or her feel as great as you once did. That’s why your ex acted very quickly and decisively and hoped to once again feel the sparks – the butterflies in the stomach from the newness of a new romantic relationship.
Little did your ex know that the love phase is just a phase. It passes very quickly and leaves couples with nothing but their relationship skills and commitment to keep the relationship going.
If couples have these skills or if they’re mature enough to develop them while they’re together, they can keep the relationship going even after the love phase has ended.
But if they have very little motivation and lack the skills to maintain the relationship, then they usually give up on it. They don’t have what it takes to overcome issues and stay in love when they can no longer rely on butterflies for commitment.
So bear in mind that your ex is going through new relationship stages and that your ex will likely look like he or she is on top of the world for a while. Your ex will do that for two reasons.
- Because your ex will feel good.
- Because your ex will want to share it with others.
When emotions wane, your ex will turn into the same old person that you used to know.
My ex started dating someone else the next day
When your ex starts dating someone else the next day or literally the moment he or she breaks up with you, it’s highly likely that your ex had been seeing this person behind your back and cheated on you.
It may not have been physical cheating, but your ex probably communicated with other people whilst he or she was still in a relationship with you.
At first, it was just fun and games as your ex didn’t intend to cheat on you. He or she just fancied other people’s attention.
But as time went on, your ex slowly—little by little got to know the new person and even developed feelings for him or her. That’s when your ex quickly lost feelings for you and left you to be with this person.
Your ex monkey-branched straight to another person and made you wonder what you did wrong.
You have to keep in mind that many people develop emotional connections with someone else while they’re still with their partners. Very few of them, however, state that they’re in a relationship right away. They tend to wait a few months before they make it official on their social profiles. That’s how they avoid criticism from their ex as well as friends and family.
Your ex won’t admit it
Although your ex probably denied your accusations, there’s a decent chance that your ex cheated on you. People tend to leave relationships because they met someone else or because they want to meet someone else. They don’t take the time to “fix themselves” or to “just focus on themselves.”
Those are just excuses dumpers make to get their exes off their backs and do what they want.
So do keep in mind that there’s a big possibility that your ex at least emotionally cheated on you before your ex left. The cheating may have increased your ex’s feelings for the new person and made it easier for your ex to choose who to be with.
After some thinking, your ex knew that he or she needed to make a choice. Your ex could either stay in a relationship that didn’t feel very exciting anymore or move into a relationship with someone new who made him or her feel wanted again.
It likely wasn’t easy to make a decision, but your ex had to do something to get out of the pickle he or she got himself or herself into. That’s why your ex ended up listening to his/her heart rather than morals and chose the person he or she could have a fresh start with.
It’s disrespectful
When your ex starts dating right after the relationship, your ex treats you like you don’t exist. He or she completely disregards your feelings and everything you went through as a couple.
All that matters to your ex is his or her well-being and the new relationship. If your ex cared about you and had sympathy for you, your ex wouldn’t have disrespected you like this. Your ex would have shown you that the relationship mattered and that you deserve respect even now that you aren’t together.
But since your ex leaped from one relationship straight to the next, it’s probably an understatement to say that your ex doesn’t value you very much. The most important thing to your ex is that your ex is happy and that you leave him or her alone.
You need to do just that because someone who leaves you, let alone starts dating someone else right away doesn’t deserve you. He or she is not your friend and probably shouldn’t be. It’s up to you if you want to be friends with an ex like that once you’ve healed.
Self-prioritize
Since your ex took you for granted and left you to fend for yourself, you now don’t have any choice but to deal with the breakup on your own. The easiest way for you to do that is to start following the indefinite no contact rule and stay in it for as long as you’re hurt and emotionally dependent on your ex for recognition.
The indefinite no contact rule will show your ex that you know your worth and that you’re not going to chase someone who broke up with you. Especially not now that your ex is dating someone else already because you deserve better than that.
It won’t be easy to stay away from your ex and move on because you’ll be comparing yourself to your ex’s new partner like crazy. But you have to keep in mind that you can’t reason with your ex and win him or her back by degrading yourself.
If you still want your ex back, you’ll have to wait for your ex to come to you. That’s the only way your ex will respect you and want to contact you.
What to say to my ex who started dating someone else right away?
You don’t have to say anything to an ex who started dating someone else right away. There’s no need to do that because a strong reaction from you will show that you’re very disappointed with your ex and that you still want to get back with him or her.
Instead, try to remain level-headed and tell your ex that you understand and accept the breakup. Say that you’ll need some time to yourself and that you’ll appreciate it if he or she doesn’t reach out.
This will prove that you’re in control of your life and that you don’t feel inferior to your ex’s new dating partner. It’s best for everyone that you avoid blaming or guilt-tripping your ex as you don’t want your ex to react strongly either.
You want him or her to see that you’ll be alright and that you’ll focus on moving on. And that will make you look as strong and attractive as you can be and allow your ex to contact you if things go south in his or her new relationship.
Did your ex start dating right away? What did your ex tell you on the day of the breakup? Leave your comment below.
And if you’d like to talk about your ex dating again with us, check out our breakup coaching options here.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Mine what she told me is that she is hurts with the sentence I told her in anger. I want to have more interaction with her like before but I didn’t consider that she is now working, have to wake up early and a hard job. So instead of saying ‘Woud you like to play game with me sometime?’ I said ‘I look for a parter that like the same hobbies as me’. I was angry the day before because she suddenly told me that she is going to far away country as exchange student for a month without discussing with me but already discussed with her parent and the organisation she said it was just done the day she told me all the discussion with her parents and organisation but I found out after she broke up with me that it was decided 5 days before) I know I’m at fault for saying that sentence and we kept on our argument so I left her house without going back to talk. So the reason she told me is that she can’t take those words out of her head which I believed since she told me in the beginning of our relationship that the sentence last long in her head combine with her work. Also that I was not motivated to finish my college and practice driving. Those were the reason she told me while saying she sees me dearly trice and if I didn’t said those sentence that day she could forgive me many things. She said sorry for everything and hope that I’ll do what she had warn me for months about willpower to study and practice driving. I later found out that she downloaded dating app 6 days before she broke up with me and that she got someone new before or start dating after she broek up with me. It is not on any of her social media since I assume it is a distance relationship with the source info I got and her parents aren’t appropriate that. I did send a message to her grandpa to thank him for all the caring. I called her parents some days after she broke up with me to say thank you and sorry for my behaviour. The mother said it is ashamed maybe in the future who know you might be back together, good luck with study and driving license. Her dad said it was ashamed that you didn’t have willpower to study and practice driving and that it is very brave like spirit of me to call him and apologise and thanks him. Lastly I said to him that I did send her an apologies letter to his house since she needs to stay at her dad a week and her mom a week. It is an apologies letter since after that quarrel that I said that sentence we only did make up by phone and text. 2 weeks after that quarrel we did meet at at her father place talk, quarrel about what I said, my will power and all. So I didn’t really have a chance to truly apologise to her so I feel like I at least should. Now I’m in a healing process study is still hard with this recent break up combine but I just did practice driving today will hit the gym tomorrow and probably practice driving or study after that.
The timeline is:
Last month I said that sentence
2 weeks later we met up talk, quarrel
3rd week I found out she download dating app(I found out after she broke up with me I got my way)
4th week she broke up with me(it is already 5 days since then)
Hi Son.
You couldn’t stop her from detaching and meeting someone else. She needed to put the work in and maintain the relationship. Since she didn’t, it was only a matter of time before she lost attraction and downloaded the dating app.
You must go no contact and avoid checking up on her. What she does and who she’s with doesn’t concern you anymore. Let her have the space she wants while you focus on improving yourself.
Kind regards,
Zan
I guess I’m late to comment but , My ex and I are from different cultures , countries and even religions , so it was tough to actually decide we will be together , but I truly love him so I accepted it and worked for it , after a few months he started ghosting me even i love you didn’t feel the same , he started saying that he’s sick and he needs soace so I gave it to him but still sent him supportive cute videos or texts from time to time , then he called me saying it’s difficult to work it out , I felt he’s leaving me so I panicked and told him we can contact via email when you’re free , so you don’t feel stressed to text me back if you’re busy , he didn’t seem okay with it but he accepted and showed that he wants it as he asked how gmail will be safe and all but never ever made. Commitment then after a few days he called and broke up with me saying it’s difficult and he thought he can actually be in such a relationship and thanked me for being a good and loyal partner and then said sorry , I told him sorry for ehat you’re already hurting me and i tried to convince him he said the decision is made , after it I suffered badly but his mom was supporting me in my life and nothing related to the breakup but actually it’s related to me leaving from here and when I do he’ll meet me so I always wondered if she’s doing it for her son as she said to him before I think she’ll make a better gf than ur previous ones , the relationship started in January finished in april and I noticed him not talking for a while when i stopped texting then i couldn’t resist so i noticed him being very unstable towards me the whole time like suddenly good and suddenly ignoring , in may he told me about a date he went to and it broke my heart him saying to me he was into her and it’s just one month!! , And told him it hurts me and it’s better to keep it away from me or to not say stuff as I’m into her because I still didn’t move on and asked him how did he do it , he said there’s no an easy answer, in june and july I was working hard on my growth and posting a lot in social media but always updated him and his mother about the hardships I’m facing , in july i noticed him being more unstable and asking me what I’m up to ? , He never does ask this !!! Saying he’s curious , i told i need space and still he texted about a story i posted after a few days and I couldn’t resist from there, in August finally I’m not 24/7 thinking about him but he suddenly came back to talk to me A LOT like we used to , not until two days ago I knew from him that he started dating on tinder after a week of the breakup because he felt lonely and it’s not embarrassing to say now as a lot of time passed , i was surprised and he said I’ll check for u i said it doesn’t matter when did u start ( but actually it does to me) so yesterday we were talking and I knew that he dated 10 women in 3 months !! And that his female friend seems like she deleted him before a month ( in August when he started talking again to me way more ) in may he left the country he was in that’s why he was unstable because he was without dating again and i left him for a while because i thought he’s being hurt and I don’t want to hurt him so I’ll take the decision for him but yeah he talked and i couldn’t resist, yesterday also I was trying to know her name but he didn’t tell me , I was trying to understand why did she delete him as he said we used to study together and spend time together ( and she helped me a lot , it was very tough) so i felt it inside me it wasn’t a friendship and yes I was right , he said it was slightly touchy , then he said it holding hands for 5 seconds while saying bye , the he said holding hands while walking but not much , then he said hands , hug ,etc … And said i might send her to see if she actually deleted me or like i told him she deleted her profile picture, but he said that he’s hesitating …. So i understood ! , the whole time it felt like he’s trying to avoid being honest or answering me so he went offline for 10 minutes it’s when I cried so hard because he’s ignoring me after telling me this , I texted him asking if he’s okay because he disappeared and then texted that if I’m an obstacle ( i felt I am the reason why he’s not with her and stopping him from being happy even though I was truly jealous and sad I was caring about him ) but then i deleted all and only let him see the are u ok one , he came back late saying he was working so i said okay so he texted back saying he lied he was supposed to leave at 9:10 but he left at 9:45 ( he meant he lied to me because he wanted to talk to me giving me time ) i said lol np and he didn’t even reply back , so I deleted every social media that i had and texted him if he’s available to have a conversation but he was offline so i said I’ll tell u for respect I’m gonna be offline for a while , see you .
Because I had to leave at this point , I felt that he never valued me or the time and effort I gave to the relationship and friendship, I remember hearing thank you for calling me too instead of sure only in August not before and i was surprised , I’m a very emotional person so I always thanked him for his time and always was concerned if it’s better if he tells me when he’s free to call because he’s the working one now and I’m unemployed ( we called regularly in August and the start of September) and since he came back he started giving me hints that he wants me back in the future when I make it out of here ( that was the reason he told me when we broke up that it’s long distance but i always felt he gave up on me easily instead of trying more with me ) and as the article said I actually always noticed he runs from negative emotions and problems and he’s so insecure liking when women flirt with him and he never is so clear with these women about it because i noticed he felt so confident and happy when a woman actually is trying to date him as if it’s a win to his self esteem .
So now I’m completely not active in mutual social media, I only have social media I don’t use much or really like, I wanted to give myself a last chance as my friend was crying over me having a heartache and actually willing to kill myself as it’s already tough in my life I couldn’t take it no more , I never thought he’d breakup with me or it’s even something that exits between us and never thought also it’s just a week ! And never thought he will get involved in sexual activities this quick ! , So this is too painful for me and frustrating I’m so sad and mad , and I couldn’t phrase it until i read what u said “disrespectful” because when men hit on me after the breakup I always felt like I’m betraying him if i ever accept and actually also I couldn’t as I truly loved him but in some point I wanted to just try but always felt it’s too disrespectful for him , but he just thought it’s okay to do it after A WEEK , even though i asked him when we broke up if he will date and he said I won’t FOR A WHILE , and what hurts more knowing that he had physical touch , words of affirmation , emotional bonding, and quality time with that female “friend” and they’re all stuff I really love , and that he said to me I really hate that country “female friend country” I don’t wanna go back but idk how to tell my friends, then lately he said I’ll go back , and i asked him if that’s hwy he wanted to go back he said her , friend, friend ….
He added her first so I understood more , he said she cried when he suddenly told her he’s leaving the country and he felt so bad , so i understood even more .
He is my real love , I couldn’t replace him with any desire because my love to him was selfless and just loved him , always never felt the need to stay away when he did anything bad , but yesterday he just showed me I was a joke and I was never loved , i felt he loves her and I don’t want to be an obstacle, but gradually I was becoming more mad because it’s just a week !! Our love was so strong “or at least that’s what i thought” how could he !! , Reading this article made me calm a bit as understanding I was never the reason for the breakup and my feeling that he gave up on me wasn’t that I’m thinking bad about him and that I’ve nothing to fo with him being so insecure and having no communicating or commitment skills , I never needed a sparkle because I already loved him calmly from the beginning , loved him too much , he was the only person that I ever loved , I thought that I’m the most insecure person in the relationship because I had a very difficult childhood but I discovered he is way more insecure and that I love myself enough to respect and value others even when it’s tough seeing them not doing it , I truly allowed myself to process everything , in march and April I was so depressed for many reasons so I always thought he left because I’m always sad and it’s always a depressing conversation ( which i still think why he thought of giving up on us more ) but I used to think that if i never shared my emotions he would stay and always blamed myself for him being depressed, always felt I’m the reason and when i told him it recently that because he loved me a lot he used to be depressed whenever I am and that I left him for a while and didn’t update him much about my struggles in life because i wanted bim to move on and be happy because I really cared about his happiness and health, but he always made me feel that I never do care and he’s leaving himself behind for me not working, sleeping, studying enough because of me , while if he actually told he has to go I’ll try my best an eventually will let him go , especially after talking about it to me that it’s difficult for me to say goodbye to him , I worked on it a lot , I remember writing on my notes what I can do develop in myself for the relationship and kept reading articles , but I never felt appreciated only lately he showed appreciation and I was surprised as well , I truly do love him but in the healing process I loved myself better than before that reading this article saying that he didn’t value me or respect me , I was absolutely right to feel this and that he doesn’t deserve me ( I’m trying my best to believe he’s not the amazing person I always saw and it’s very difficult to say he doesn’t deserve me i feel like I’m betraying him and disrespecting him saying it ) made me feel that my decision to leave was Right even it’s too painful and difficult.
Thank you if you read it in advance.
Hi Aline.
You have to let him go. He’s lost interest and feelings, which indicates his relationship mentality and commitment weren’t good enough. You can’t fix these things and his problems for him. Only he can do that by changing or rather improving his way of thinking and behaving in relationships.
You tried harder than you should have. So from now on, stay in no contact and focus on his negative traits and behaviors.
Sincerely,
Zan
Another great blog!
This is not only disrespectful but it is pure selfishness of the dumper. This is what happened to me. My ex dumped me after 5 years together. She did it without a care in the world about me. I tried to convince her not to end us, but it fell on deaf ears. I wish I knew of MoS before I started begging and pleading with her. Within 2 months after the breakup she tells me she plans on moving to be closer to her family. She moved over an hour away from me. In a matter of a few months she changed her profile pic on Facebook to a pic of her with another guy. I was in complete shock that she did all this so quickly. I got obsessed so I tried to find out how this all came about so quickly. That’s when I discovered this guy was already a friend of hers on Facebook, he was liking her pics after she dumped me. When she moved, she moved closer to her family, this is true, but she also ended up living only a few short miles down the road from her new guy. This is a rural area, so the chances of this being a coincidence are slim to none. It was about a month and a half ago she made it public on Facebook she is with this guy and just as the blog put it, she did that to avoid criticism because everyone knew she was in a long term relationship with me and announcing it quickly would make her look like a cheating piece of garbage and she couldn’t have her Facebook image ruined because she always has to keep up with her friends on Facebook making it look like she is so great and her life is so good, but in actuality, I can not tell you how many times she would get jealous of what her so called “friends” post. I know there is a possibility this can all be a coincidence, but the pieces of this puzzle fit together quite nicely. Whether she monkey branched or not, she did it all pretty quickly and I am sure she did nothing to reflect on the relationship or anything to improve herself. She may blame me for the failure of the relationship, but I wasn’t the one who ended it. I wasn’t the one who gave up instead of putting effort into our relationship and I most certainly wasn’t the one to start talking to another person while plotting to kill a relationship with a person who loved her endearingly and wanted to spend the rest of their life with them. She got tired of me, she will tired of the new guy once she doesn’t get her way on everything.
Hi Ed.
I don’t think her moving close to this guy is a coincidence either. Whether she monkey-branched or not, she wanted to be closer to him, not her family. That was just an excuse to avoid you suspecting her of leaving you for him.
She hasn’t learned anything. Branchers don’t learn and improve. They just jump from one place to the next.
Sincerely,
Zan
I’m so glad I stumbled across this!
My ex ended our relationship 7 months ago and said it was because neither of us could relocate to the other
We both have children from previous relationships and we didn’t live together. We were in a LDR but not a huge distance, 45 miles apart. For 3 years we commuted to each other 4 or 5 timed a week but she ended our relationship because neither of us could uproot our lives and move because of our commitments to our children.
3 days after we broke up, we talked. She didn’t show any emotion at all where as I was broken. I tried to offer solutions to our living situation but she refused to discuss it.
She then said she was already talking to a new guy and wanted no contact. She admitted that her sister told her to join a dating app when we were in the break up process and met him there. Then when our split was final, she simply moved from me to him.
It hurt, a lot. Still does. But I gave myself my own closure. She obviously cheated emotionally on me with him and had him lined up so the split was easier for her I guess. Our split took a full week bit while i was fighting, she was talking to him
This has really knocked my confidence and self esteem. 7 months on and I am still broken-hearted. I’ve not spoken to her since she admitted that she was in a new relationship
Hi Lee.
I’m sorry to hear that she branched to someone new and left you alone to suffer. I hope you found closure, which is that the relationship was at a standstill and didn’t progress as fast as she wanted it to. As a result, she took the relationship less seriously and gave someone more physically available a try.
I know it’s hard, Lee, but you’ve got to stay away from her. Unfollow her on social media and remove her off your phone. Delete the photos too so you don’t relive the nostalgic moments. It will take another few months to get her out of the system. But when she’s finally out, you’ll feel much better.
Stay strong!
Zan
Thank you for replying Zan
I blocked her number and social media as soon as she admitted to seeing someone new. I also removed all our photos together from my phone and deleted all message threads.
All gifts, mementos and her belongings have been removed from my apartment so there’s no physical trace of her at all I did this literally the same day she told me about him. It’s like she never existed.
What angers me the most is how she could disrespect me and my feelings, our 3 years together, all the love we had, the good times and the memories by simply throwing me away like yesterdays trash!
I guess she simply didn’t care in the end. She’s selfish and immature. She looked for a soft landing post break up and in order to get that she simply found “anybody” just to validate her worth. Grass Is Greener Syndrome for sure!
I loved her, I still do. But I’ll never accept her back in my life after what she did. It’s her loss. I was good for her and I would of relocated to her in time once my children were a bit older.
I’ll heal, it might take a few more months but I’ll work on me. I’ve learned a lot from our relationship, I’ve really examined it and I have since spotted red flags which I missed when we were together.
She has a history of branching. I met her when she was married. She branched to me just to get out of a failing marriage!
She’ll do it again too! I’m sure of that. She has repeat patterns. She simply can’t be on her own because her 2 boys are autistic and she struggles with them. I guess having a partner means that he can help her with the children.
I wish her well in life but I never want to see her again.
Thanks for your advice buddy
Few months? I’m way over even the most liberal use of “few” possible. There’s no guarantee it gets better
Hi Dan.
It gets better. A few months are typically enough for people to feel better (not be over their ex). I think it took me about 6 months of no contact to be able to date. If it takes you a few months longer, that’s completely normal!
Best regards,
Zan
My ex and I got together as teenagers. He was always really stable and had his whole life planned out already at this young age. I was the opposite and wanted to try out new things, travel etc. So after 5 years of dating I felt the urge of spending a year abroad. He didn‘t really understand but accepted because he didn‘t want to hold me back. So I went abroad during Covid, because of the travel ban we were not able to visit each other. This year I experienced so many new things, felt like I‘m evolving and was really happy. As I got home he was waiting there for me, didn‘t change a little bit and I just couldn‘t be happy about being back home. I experienced a full reverse culture shock and felt so disconnected from him. He barely talked about feelings and acted like everything was fine while I was overthinking our situation for months until I‘ve decided to talk about it with him and we agreed on a breakup. Since we‘ve had a happy relationship for years and we‘ve always been respectful to each other the breakup was also respectful. We held each other and cried until I left.
The months after the breakup were really hard for me, I struggled to start my new life and get over him and was full of pain. He on the other hand seemed to be completely unaffected and living his best life. (Even though I always thought he was the one who loved more in the relationship) Two months after our breakup he got into a new relationship and seems happier than ever. They really show off their love all the time and are all over each other. And I‘m miserable. I‘m asking myself if I was wrong the whole time, did he even love me as much as I thought? Why did I return back home from abroad where I was obv happier when it‘s just so easy for him to replace me? At the same time I feel bad for having these feelings. Why can‘t I just feel happy for him? He finally found what I couldn‘t give him. But all I feel is jealous, sad and angry at the same time.
Hi Julia.
You had convinced yourself you were on different paths and at different stages in life because of your trip abroad. It’s not that he hadn’t changed but that so much happened to you that you still craved the kind of pace that you experienced abroad. This person lived a more stable/relaxed life and it forced you to slow down a bit. This made you question his capability to make you happy and you detached.
Now that he’s moving on, you’ve come back to reality and noticed that he’s doing okay emotionally while you’re struggling. You don’t like that because you thought you could keep the interesting life from abroad going.
I suggest you stop watching what he does online and heal from the indirect rejection. Get therapy if you need to and make sure to work on your flaws. You’ll be happy for him when you become happy with yourself.
Kind regards,
Zan
When compared to some of the comments here, I guess that I did not get it as bad. My relationship lasted 6 months (more like 5 since there was plenty of ghosting in the final month – probably the period where my ex already decided to end it but struggled to tell me) so it’s not a long part of my life.
The relationship started off intense and passionate, with plenty of emotional and physical intimacy, and it seemed like everything was going right. As time went by, my partner voiced a number of valid concerns, and I took actions. Eventually, there was a pattern where she would go through up and downs when things will be great for two weeks, then she would have renewed concerns etc. While I am grateful that she motivated me to pick myself up after a period I was down (having lost my dad to cancer, my regular income – though I do have ample savings, other family issues), she did not have the patience to see the result of my efforts. She has the right to set her standards and timeline, so I don’t resent that, but the ghosting was at time hurtful even though I know she doesn’t -want- to hurt.
On the week before I moved to a place near her, she decided it was time to dump me. She sounded apologetic and saying how she always enjoyed spending time with me, but there was always something that pull her back afterwards, and perhaps she was still not over here previous long relationship of 4-5 years and that has ruined most of her relationship since. She was saying that perhaps she was not ready for a relationship. As we talked more though, I noticed that saw a lot of significantly more trivial negative me too, things that she never mentioned before. I guess that probably came from stage 1 of the dumper relief stage.
Given that our relationship was always amiable, with very few conflicts, and we could always respectfully talk things out, and she claimed was still attracted to me, we agreed to remain on good but non-committal term. When it was time to part, she asked for a hug, and we naturally started kissing. It didn’t seem like she wanted absolutely nothing to do with me.
Less than two weeks later, we unexpectedly ended up attending the same gig (performed by a mutual acquaintance), and she was there, flirting and kissing a guy. So much for not ready for a relationship. It was the monkey branching, GIGS pattern. The guy was probably in many ways the opposite of me, being her manager who she apparently had a crush on a month before me but was unattainable due to being engaged but broke off a week after we broke off (went non-committal). She said it was not planned and she meant it when she said she wasn’t looking for a relationship, but it just happened. To be honest, it hurt I found that way, but she of course had the right to do whatever she wants after we broke up (part of me wondered if I was kept around as a backup until she was sure the other guy wanted her but it’s pointless to wonder about those things).
The thing is that now, she says she hope that we can still be friend, so we can say that things are still sort of amiable and she doesn’t have a strong feeling of wanting me to completely disappear (I have always given her plenty of space when she wanted it and tried not to smoother her, although I am sure only with limited success). And while I feel that she might be a little immature in the way she approaches relationships and difficult situations (leading to the ghosting), she does have plenty of good side in her, and she also gave me some good motivation and she is not a bad person. Certainly, when we first met, I actually only planned for us to be friends, but it just happened. Part of me think that it might be hard to accept a downgrade, but another part of me also think that this person would not be a bad friend to have. Would it be best to politely explain that I need a bit of time to heal but will consider it later on?
The next issue is, the breakup we actually planned to make a trip to the same country. It was never going to be a “travel together”, but we were going to make at least some plans together. I am a bit conflicted as to whether to stick to that plan, before taking time to heal after the trip, or just do my own thing for the entire trip. I know that now that she is just starting to see a new guy, I have zero romantic value. However, I am not sure if I’d lower my value if stuck around as a friendly guide, or it would help her associate me with something positive, before I disappear (after the trip) to heal and focus on bettering myself.
Hi Alex.
This relationship was short-term. And since it ended so quickly, it shows something was seriously wrong. It was most likely her lack of commitment, self-awareness, and maturity. She was not at a stage in life where she could have a serious relationship. This girl needs more life experience to appreciate the people she’s with.
Kind regards,
Zan
So, I just want to start out by writing thank you. This truly has helped me make some sense in a still crazy situation.
My ex who I had been with for 13 years, left me while we were buying an apartment, after 2 weeks of what I had experienced as the best holidays we have had for years. She had been very stressed for a couple of days since her grandfather had gotten Ill. But it soon turned out there was more to it. She had become friends with someone which turns out, she has developed feelings for. She broke up with me stating “is not I want to be in a relationship with someone else, I just don’t want to be in a relationship with you”. That broke my heart. Turns out less than two weeks later they are an official couple and her new partner has also already met her family. 13 years. My life shattered while she is off into the sunset.
Hi LPN.
I’m glad you liked reading this post.
At least your ex was honest with you. Most people say the opposite, which is that they don’t want to be in any relationships. Since she committed to someone else two weeks later, she probably cheated on you after developing a connection with him. You can and will do much better. Her happiness won’t last.
Stay strong!
Zan
Yup, 5 years, buying apartment, best holiday – all checks. 3 weeks later she is on Tinder with photos i made on holiday. I think she is angry i dont want to stay friends. Also – i went on Tinder just to get my head out of chaos for while…maybe she is acting on revenge…
I don’t know if I’m too late and someone will read this but my partner basically left me after 4.5 years. We had the best relationship and I thought he was the one. He often spoke about marriage and even kids and we rented a flat together and furnished it to our taste to make sure it felt home.
We sent eachother texts all the time saying how lucky we were to have found eachother and how I was his everything.
He started counseling sessions due to some childhood trauma involving self love and perfectionism aswell as lack of unconditional love …. He always reacted badly to small problems and I was always questioning if he could handle life real problems like sickness or soemthing more serious. He was spoiled so his life was easy and didn’t have to face much hardship …..
One day I asked him what was wrong and he finally told me he was confused about life and work and didn’t know if he felt complete with this relationship. It came out of nowhere as 2 months prior we were in Colombia Meeting my family and he was so inlove with me and making plans with me.
I had a feeling something else had happend and asked him manu times and some days after I decided to check his phone as I felt he was hiding something. ( I had never done this with him as I would put my hands through fire to prove his honesty and morals). I found an archived conversation from a girl he met in Madrid and asked for her number and keeps in touch sending pictures and messages evey day for a full month ….. also she was Colombian just like me. I handled the situation respectfully and sat down with him to undestand what had happened. He said he always had doubts about us and meeting her solidified those doubts that perhaps he didn’t love me as much …… but how can someone make so many plans with me if he always had doubts ???
We went on a holiday we had paid for to Italy and we had the best time and when we got back I loved out for 2 weeks to give him space and time to figure things out and on my return I found out he had been talking to this girl the whole time …. And now he wanted to be single to focus on himself and getting a new job and perhaps explore soemehing with her ( she lives in a different country ).
It’s funny because he always asked me if I loved him unconditionally …. And always wanted to be reasured that I wouldn’t leave him after an argument. He actually told me his feeling did me were numb and also that he felt content on his own the weeks I had moved away. That he had realized that his happiness didn’t depend on me …. But was he ever alone? If he had someone texting him evey day asking how his day was ?
I just can’t believe he ruinned the Ema don’t relationship we had for a girl una different country …. When we had built so much together. The way he’s handled it all makes me feel like I could never take him back if he came back. I would be embarrased … even tho I loved him so much.
Hi Manuela.
Your ex most likely emotionally cheated on you. He developed feelings for this girl, so he start feeling his relationship with you wasn’t complete. He felt like something was missing and that he needed to find out what. What he wanted was to be loved more than you loved him. He wanted a fiery relationship because that’s how new relationships feel. Little did he know that all relationships start explosively and that they subside over time.
He’s emotional, expressive, and probably a bit clingy at times, so this person will likely cling to his new girlfriend when they get past the infatuation stage. This could smother the girl if she feels overprioritized and cause jealousy and trust issues. I’m not saying it will definitely happen, but it could if he doesn’t realize why he feels so in love with people.
Kind regards,
Zan
Wow. This is spot on with my very recent ex-wife. We were married for 7 years. Our divorce (initiated by her) was very amicable and was scheduled to be finalized within 3 months of the divorce being filed with the courts. However, she couldn’t wait 3 months to start going out on dates. My ex-wife’s parents have each been divorced a combined 9 times. Her father is one of the most narcissistic people I’ve ever met. He put my ex-wife through hell as a child, and adult, as he dated younger and younger women, while having his daughter repeatedly see step parents walk out of her life. Yet here we are… 4 months post separation, my ex-wife is now dating a man nearly 5 years younger than she is (upper 20’s). She has now been divorced twice by the age of 32. Our 5 year old daughter most likely will be seeing another man come in and out of her life, just like what happened to my ex-wife as a child. My ex does not want to date another man with children, because she’s still young. Has she not learned anything about herself? That answer is clear… absolutely not. As you said in your article, my ex-wife can only live in the now. She can only view things through what she knows. And unfortunately, what she knows is a life full of poor choices by parents that have zero ability to live and love through commitment and making good choices. Please pray for my daughter, as I’m fearful she is going to see her Mom head down the same path as her Grandma and Grandpa.
Hi Aaron.
It seems that your ex is following in her parents’ footsteps. She’s making the same mistakes they did and will have to learn her lessons the hard way – through failure. It’s something she needs to go through to grow and behave differently.
I wish you and your daughter all the best, Aaron!
Best regards,
Zan
Reading this article, put some clarity on my break up. My ex and I had been dating for a bit over 9 months. She had been single for almost 18 months and had been on only one date since. I had been single for almost two years and had also only been on one date during that time,
We started out as friends as we shared a mutual passion in fitness. So after knowing one another for 4 months we started dating. I remember our first date, she tells me right away, “Hey I wanted you to know that I let 7 of my friends know where I was going to be at for safety reasons”. She told me about her past trauma and why she needed to let the know. Asked me if if offended me. I stated no it did not and understood. I was okay with it and thought as a single mother of three kids she had a right to ensure her safety.
On our Second date, New Years Eve, we had a great dinner and had the waiter take our photo. I only noticed later, in the photo, that when I was embracing her and holding her hand, it was balled up in a fist. I learned later that was not a good sign. We went back to her house and were watchin the ball drop to ring in the New Year when she had a major anxiety attack. out of the blue. I was not sure what to do so she suggested we go lay down in her room where she felt safe. I had not planned to spend the night, but she asked if I could stay. Needless to say, we almost engaged in sex, but I held off. That was both good and bad. Next morning she stated had we done that she would have felt horrible and not wanted to continue dating. Looking back that might have been a good thing not to hold off and I would not have been had to go 9 months only to be dumped.
During our relationship, she would at times, more often than I would like, bring up her previous relationship. She would compare what I was doing to what he did not do, even to to the point of telling me how he was in bed. Red Flag Number 2. Yet would always say “Oh he is a good person, he just was not for me”. Being a part of a single parents group, that is how they met, she had other guys interested in her. However, when we started dating, they still reached out to her. When I asked her was she going to let them know she was dating someone, she said she did not want to have that conversation as she did not want to create disappointment and hurt Red Flag Number 3. Eventually, she made it known.
We had our ups and downs and finally decided hey let’s take a trip together so we did. I never knew she was having doubts about our relationship this whole time. So we go on our trip and unfortunately I had a melt down at the airport. On our trip I was fine but getting to our destination was a chore and I was not doing well with it. Anyhow, it set the tone for the rest of our trip. She told me I was ruining our relationship and that if I wanted to stay with her I needed to go to therapy. I have since been diagnosed with PTSD. So when we were on our last day of the trip I asked her if she still loved me and she said “Not romantically,” I said as a friend then. She said yes. So when I asked if she wanted to end it I let her know I was okay with it but not let it linger She told me she said she did not know what to do and that she needed to think.
We get back home and she was not affectionate, nor was she the last two days of our trip. Dropped her off and came home. Next day she sends me a lengthy email, then texts me to say she sent it to please read it and we can talk. I got dumped via email. When we spoke she was upset about my behavior brought up things during our relationship that gave her doubts, and that she was wanting to end it sooner, but held on thinking it would be okay. She was crying how she was heartbroken and sad, but had to make the choice for her and her kids. That she could no longer trust me, did not feel safe with me. Mind you during our snowstorm I spent a week in her home with her and her kids going out daily to scrounge for food, firewood and water. She trusted me then. Her response was she thought she knew me. I had a key to her home and was on a back up list to pick up her youngest if she was not able to get to his school on time
Rambling I know So I did not handle the break up well. Felt I had been given hope, deceived, and then she pulled that. I did some stupid things I admit and regret but owned up to them. So after her stating she was not wanting to date for a long time as she had to get her head straight again, two months after our split she is in another relationship with a mutual friend. This leads me to believe that there was something going on either during our relationship or very shortly after. It stung, but then I realized I should have acted on the first sign and just remained friends. This article puts everything in better perspective and I feel relieved to be done with her. That she was not willing to put forth the effort for both of us to help one another with our mental issues. Lesson Learned
Hi. I do not know why I am typing this, however, I feel like I need an explanation for what happened to my relationship and my ex-girlfriend. we broke up a month ago and.. I would appreciate it if anyone responded to this.
My ex-girlfriend and I had been dating for about a year and have known each other for almost two years.
She lived in another state, but, due to COVID, I was able to travel and stay there from november to august. (the whole year we dated). We had great chemistry, I got along with her parents, sisters, even her dogs… Not everything was perfect (we were pretty different), but we still managed to accept each other (at least what I thought). I really put her as my first priority, and whenever she felt self-conscious I always tried to cheer her up, buy her presents, make her laugh; etc. I really tried my best for us and it seemed like it was working. She also did her best to cheer me up whenever she could: It was a healthy relationship for sure because we could talk about our problems and solve them together with no complications most of the time.
In order to stay for a few more months in her state, I got a job, and she made everything in her hands to help me out whenever she could… again… we were not perfect, but it was great and I really saw us together in the long run…
Everything started to fall apart on July after a discussion we had and could not solve our problems for a few weeks (I always liked to talk to solve the problems at the moment but she did not like to persist on it). She then went on vacation with her family, which (postponed our problems). But during that time (almost a month). She started to grow distant and barely or very coldly responded to my messages and calls.
When she came back, I only had another 2 weeks left in her state (this did not help at all). I was hopeful to see her again and forget about everything that happened, but instead, she told me she wanted to break up whenever I left her state… I was really heartbroken. Her reasons were kind of vague and changed the whole time: She said she needed time for herself… That she did not see herself on the long run with me anymore, but still loved me, that our relationship was very “monotonous”; that she still wanted to be in contact with me after the breackup, etc…
But tried to spend these last two weeks with her in the best way possible (while still trying to think about changing her mind). The first week we felt great and even though I sometimes had breakdowns, I really enjoyed her as much as I could, and by the end of that week, I proposed to for us to not break up and solve everything we needed to solve.
However, our last week was different. It first seemed like we were doing great again (I got my driving license and took her out more). But 3 days before I left she said “I misunderstood her, and that she really wanted to break up”… Then, ONE day before I left, we talked about everything… of how much I loved her and thanked her for everything… she told me she no other person was involved; that she just needed time for herself… and that I treated her like no one else ever did; we cried and hugged. But still, we wanted to see each other the next day as a farewell, and she even proposed to help me clean up my house for good before her mom took me to the airport
The next day I called her and asked her If I could pick her up, but she seemed hesitant and only said “later”. 3 hours later I called her again and she told me we could see each other after I finished cleaning up my house I then asked if she was even in the mood to spend our LAST DAY together… and she still answered hesitantly. I was really disappointed at this point and told her that “to respect both of our time, that if she did not want to see me at all, then not to bother joining her mom in taking me to the airport… she snapped and told me she WAS going to be there and that she did not want to see me because whenever we saw each other we had no solid plans for the day, and helping me clean my house was not it (when she even offered herself to help me the day before, I did not ask her). She then hung up and after a few hours, both of us apologized for our attitudes…
She did join her mom and me at the airport… but did not talk much…
The day after I got to my hometown I called her and told her I loved her, that I was sorry we did not say goodbye properly and that I still wanted her to be part of my life and to talk often… but she just seemed cold, and said she agreed but did not want to keep in touch very often.
Days later she started posting pictures of her partying and going out like nothing ever happened and kept me on her instant’s “close friends”… I did feel pretty bad (and still do), but I was getting better. Whenever I felt right, I started going out with my friends and occasionally posting something (which she was aware of). I stopped watching her stories and eventually, she stopped too… however… I have to admit I did stalk her Pinterest and Twitter, It seems like she just started dating someone… there are a lot of “ideas for romantic letters” and some tweets about the topic… For some reason, I still feel hopeful and optimistic about us… but I know I can’t live by it… I just need to know what really happened… Did she cheat on me? Is she just pretending to make me jealous? I she just trying to avoid everything that happened?
Hi Zan,
I don’t know if anyone will read this comment but these articles have been very helpuf, as well as to read some stories posted here (it helps to know there are people out there who can relate to my story).
I could use your advices as I am now feeling extremely helpless and confused about my own situation. To keep it short, my ex and I had been dating for about 2-3 months when he decided to bail out. With insight I now know that the routine induced by the covid 19 didn’t help + I believe that my traumas triggered his (I put a lot of walls at the beginning because I had been hurt in the past, and he interpreted it as me not reassuring him and not caring that much and triggered his own traumas… True broken people really). We decided to stay together anyway, and keep seeing each other, meeting with his closest friends, talking everyday dtc. but I sensed he had already gave up (which he confirmed lately), and I was the only one fighting for the relationship. I told him I could not continue like that. He confessed to me that he knows his traumas, and that this is the kind of situation that makes him cry at night, he aslo accused me of running away, that we were both stupid and that he deeply cared about me… but still, he let me go anyway. We went no contact but he texted me two weeks after that. I was really cold and cordial at first, but soon our natural chemistry came back again and we agreed to meet up. We spent a wonderful time together, as he was loving and caring. We kept texting each other and agreed to meet again at some point but didn’t have the occasion as he went on holidays and I had some stuff to deal with on my own. I then made the effort to invite him out but it felt like he was only looking for excuses to decline. I sensed something was wrong and two days later he confirmed that he had started to see someone else. Which really caught me off guard. I was expecting anything that early in the process of reconciliation, but still. I thought we had time and that since he didn,’t want to be in a relationship, we could rebuild our attraction and intimacy. HE came back to me, and I let him back, slowly and naturally, and still, he chose someone else. He told me it was nothing serious, but that he wouldn,’ be fair for us to keep seeing each other and that SHE doesn,’t want the two of us talking and seeing each other. I am now left even more confused than before, and cannot believe he came back only to treat me like an option. Maybe it will sound stupid to you, but I know for a fact we have a real connection. His best friends all told me what an idiot he was (he damn is) for letting me go, and that he lacks the patience and maturity to nurture a real relationship, but still, it hurts even more to see him pushing me away for someone else… I said I was hurt, but it was okay and I said goodbye, but I still want him back and miss him dearly.
I am going no contact but can’t help hoping he will come back to me… Do you think we still ave a chance ? I’m afraid he will move on and that we will become strangers again … Any piece of advices would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you all for taking the time to read this message. I hope that whatever you are going through, you fill eventually find peace and hapiness.
🙂
Hi Monica.
This person didn’t value your time and commitment. He was more interested in short-term flings, hence why he got involved with someone new.
You might get another chance with him if his new relationship fails, but Monica, you have to know what that means for you. It means that he’ll come back with the same exhausted mentality and perceptions. For a relationship like this to work, he has to grow significantly and work very hard to see what you bring to the table.
Right now, he’s not doing that because he’s with a new woman. It’s best that you work on detaching from him and stay out of contact. I think you’ll soon notice that there were huge red flags you overlooked and that the guy isn’t as great as you’d thought.
Kind regards,
Zan
That’s my ex! 4.5 years of marriage, two kids, and a new home. One day she just left. This was spot on. Great article!!!
Hi Daniele.
Sorry to hear your ex treated you this way. You’ve probably heard this before, but this happened for a reason. It happened so you could find a person who’s meant for you and won’t monkey-branch like your ex.
Kind regards,
Zan
Currently going through it myself.. long read but worth it.
Fell in love with my partner 14 years ago, 3 kids, have broken up, on & off and all the instances she was the one dumping me & I kept coming back because I truly love her and sm in love with her but where do I draw the line. (Now we have had trust issues due to infidelity on both our ends but there came a time when we ironed it all out and decided and agreed that, we are not getting any younger, and if we were going to get married, there needed to be peace, love and loyalty and all the good values and morals in the house and we would commit to that. All agreed, a wedding date was set, Nov 2023
With the wedding due next year, she was happy to announce to everyone and so was i. Had deposits paid up for a few vendors too that she was also contributing towards it.
…. A week ago, trouble strikes in paradise, she went out with her friends. Came back home and my instincts picked up something was off because of the vibe she was giving me, cold, distant, disinterested. So I said to her that I hope she had a goodnight and did not get up to anything silly while out with her friends. Boy, that did not sit well with her and straight away an argument broke out in the middle of the night, she tells me she is done for good and we are not getting back together. That she is tired of being treated like a child, and that our candle has burnt out. I couldnt belive it, this had to be a dream right …..but unfortunately it wasnt. I got angry that she was dumping me AGAIN, after all ive put in to mend our relationship and putting up with her infidelities even after we made a new pact. So since we shared everything, i had access to her personal things just as she had to mine, guess it comes with 14 years of being together so why not right. However this time i accessed her phone but out of anger because i felt something was up, call it Deja Vu if you may. I went in to her phone and surely found out she had been in contact with another guy, calling her babe and shit so obviously it wasn’t someone random to her and it wasn’t a sudden thing. Days later it would turn out to be more than one guy that was trying to get a piece of her too and she was ok-ing it. I would mostly likely put it to 5 guys but I stopped looking into her phone ever since that day.
Anyway long story short, the next day we had to go over it again, so i could really find out what was the issue because obviously i love this woman, mother of my kids and she has become a part of me sonif another man is lurking in my territory and my woman is not strong enough, i feel i have to protect my territory
Ex tells me she is unhappy and wants to lead life on her own here forth and do whatever she wants. She wants to be an adult, and focus on herself and do things that make her happy. Again the Alpha mode kicks in, i try to explain to her that there was mothing wrong pursuing personal goals, if anything i encourage it, because that means she was thinking growth, and her goals would compliment our relationship and family, but she was adamant she wanted to do it alone and i was in the way. Too dumb to understand it, i asked her what those goals of hers were, she told me she would figure it out. She just wants to experience the life she missed out while rearing our kids and this is her desired approach.
I tried once again to explain how this was all a big misunderstanding and if it was because of what i said the previous night, I apologized for reacting the way i did and for what I said, i was merely expressing my fears to her about how i was not sure if she would handle alcohol well especially after not having been out for so long, and then knowing that some dudes can try have their way with a female if she is not in control. That did nothing to show her where my mind was when i said what i just wrote up there. She still did not want me in her life.
I have had many sleepless nights, depression set in, all i do is sit in our bedroom after work and on weekends, cannot concerntrate at work, lost my appetite for food and things i used to enjoy and have been having a lot of dark thoughts during this time because I lost someone I considered my soul mate, and im worried the kids are going to be affected if mom is losing control and if she is breaking it off on top of that. To add salt to a wound, she was not even moved at all. No remorse, no sign of any regret in her mind to even show that she at least feels hurt by the breakup or thinks of the consequences.
I have tried reaching out to her parents and friendz and they all tell me to leave her and let her have her moment. She did not want to sit down with me and her parents together, she had her own meeting with them so not sure what she told them or what they said to her.
Last week she went out for drink up with friends, left me at home with kids and came back the next day ( Mother’s Day) at midday and then headed off to bed because that’s how much of a good night she had, partying and drinking. She is now into drinking and partying with her friends, and wants to do it every weekend if she had the money to. The things that she used to refuse and deprive us of doing as a couple like me suggesting we go out on the town and just destress or do couple stuff, is the same thing she is now wanting to do, but only this time with other people and not me. She is glued to her phone, all day since she is mostly home when me and the kids are at work and school, messaging my replacements, and even joined dating sites, all this within the week of her discarding me.
This past week, I have mostly been quiet, speaking only when there is something we need in the house, she tries to make small talk but i just reply one word answers. Ex is now telling telling her friends that she is living her best life and making it seem as if i was holding her back or imprisoned her from not doing anything at all and yet i have been the one to ask her to get out of the house and mix with the world, get a job she will love. Have asked her before what makes her happy so that i could make sure i was fulfilling my fiance duties, and supporting her in achieving those things too. Marriage and Make-up were the two answers i got, and as you read before, wedding was due next year and the makeup, let me just say i have spent more than i need to supporting her but when you love & value someone you don’t count the cost. She claims sex was not the issue, and i would be damned if it was because, I have a bigger drive between her and I, i have been the one to suggest different things, different places just to things keep spiced up and alive, now all of a sudden i can’t be part of her new found happiness interest.
Abit of post-natal depression that she has not bothered to keep in control has always bothered me that it will get to her brain one day. Numerous times we have been to the GP and therapists after she’s had our kids for post-natal issues but she would only take the meds once and sometimes not even bother and carry on with life like nothing happened.
A couple of months back, she lost her job due to unreliability issues, does not have a driver’s license at age 34, stays at home and does not really have a good drive to get out and score another job. Has had a few job offers lately but she turns them down saying they are not the right fit for her. Yet she still claims to her friends , she has already started living her best life since breaking up with me.
I checked in to the GP yesterday for some anti-depressants and sleeping meds as I am not coping. Just wish I could wake up from this nightmare.
This world 🌎 Sucks!!!@
My ex broke up with me end of September and by early February he had made his new relationship public on Facebook and that’s how my friends found out and therefore told me about it… after 11 months of relationship.! I had fallen hard for him in those months.! I find it highly disrespectful to still have me on social media and make it public as if I never existed or mattered at all.. obviously he is just thinking of himself.. I let all the red flags slide during my relationship with him, given that after a mere 4 months of him being single from a two year relationship, he started one with me.
Until this present day I am confused as to why exactly we broke up, all I know that after one day we spent together things shifted for us then it took one decision from my part to have caused the beginning of the end when I decided to not visit him on a weekend and delay it as after feeling the shift from the previous weekend I wanted him to make sure he still wanted me in his life. He felt it was time to move on from our relationship and living 4 hours apart didn’t help at all.. he gave up and that’s all I know. There were plenty of insecurities about each other’s feelings but he never communicated his, feeling like maybe he gave more or was more affectionate than me…that is his side of the argument… I loved him dearly and I wanted to work on making sure he knew but all those efforts were in vain as somehow it was too late..he kept me for a week wanting to break up with me..and one day finally doing it.
Lesson learned!! Never let red flags slide early on in the relationship, if it seems like the person you’re getting to know is selfish, self centered and always looking to be validated in order to feel loved and have a complete disregard for your own feelings or wellbeing then it won’t definitely be worth your pain, save yourself the heartache.
Healing takes time and I have learned from my mistakes as well.
My ex literally broke up with me in April and then strung me along all the way until September (i fell for it every time thinking he was wanting to get back together) he kept wanting to “talk” only to find out two weeks after our final “talk” he was with someone new… a girl I’d seen on his instagram stories since JUNE. He was developing relationship and feelings with her directly and overlapping breaking up with me . He had that one completely lined up. He doesn’t recognize any of his behaviors or how awful this has been for me and how painful this heartbreak has been. We were together 3 years and I fought for him until the end… he just didn’t care, and continued to manipulate and confuse me. Until finally when I found out there was someone else this whole time, he said “if you really loved me you would be happy for me”
Well in October I got out of an 3 year 5 months relationship. My ex invited me over to her house one Saturday evening during quarantine time and we were having fun chatting and laughing until she dropped a bombshell that changed my life from then on. The whole I love and help better herself said she didn’t want to be invovle with me anymore because she didn’t me in her future anymore. I told her that I wanted to continue and give it another try. After shedding two tears she asked me to spend the night with her at her house. By Tuesday evening I got a text that she made up her mind and that she will not be rekindling her our romance and I should leave her alone. Starting November one she started texting me and we were good conversations at first and then her attitude changed and she started giving me allot attitude and what not. She invited me over to spend time with her one Saturday and we were having fun until her mood change again she asked me to leave. The last week November we argued because she wanted to be to only be friends with her. I refused and she became upset and let it be known that she met someone. But to how she was behaving after all that it seemed as if she was dating the person before she broke up with me and when she was face to make a decision she took the new person simply because she already have me a chance and wants to try with someone else. The last thing she said to me was “you are a good guy and I want you to focus on yourself”.
My ex dumped me by text, she didnt want to meet in person. At first I did beg and plead, but didnt change anything so I respect her desicion and back off. During 1 month I still contact her, not to beg, just ask how is she doing, or a wish in an event. After 1 month I cannot bear anymore then I decided to stay No Contact. I had 17 days relief and almost close to peace, in day 17 I posted a picture of me, smilling with a caption: “Life still beautiful”. And that night I recieved a messenge from her, she told me that she will move on with another guy, give him a chance to be with her, told me to move on. It really ruin my healing journey. After breakup, she uses social media more often, she posts many pictures tell the world that she is happy, she is single. From day 17 up to now, its been 18 days, in this morning I saw her post on instagram tell that she is dating with a new guy, even confirmed that he is the right person, right time for her, a bit mentioned me as a good person but wrong time.
Let me tell you this, this person when I first met, she is sociable but in 3 years moving here from oversea, she never open her heart even she lived alone but she never tell the world that she is single. Many guys chase her but she ignored them all until the day I came. It took me really hard to got into her heart, not just a few days or months try to chase her. I never ever see she acts like when she is with me, even she had to admit that never did this to her ex boyfriends. Of course people can change but I dont think people can fall in love that fast right after breakup, especially a person like her. We had a long history, good times together, not just a few months.
My boyfriend of over a year broke up with me out of the blue. Left me a voicemail asking to just be friends and then ending that voicemail with “but I really do love you, you’re an amazing woman take care of yourself” and within 3 weeks started seeing someone else. He’s “Christian” so he’s been telling mutual friends that he’s found his wife now. And that all other relationships had left him numb, the exact phrasing he’d told me about his ex before me! I’m devasted that who I thought was God sent to me after a cheating husband and divorce could turn out to be a liar and more than likely a cheater too. This article hit the nail on the head with his behavior.
I think that there is really no way to tell if someone shows signs of “emotionally” unavailable until it is too late and the hammer has come down. My story mirrors many of your stories, but I was in a relationship for over 4 months, but you say it isn’t long, but several short vacations in a car, many nights talking 3 to 4 hours on the phone and we did everything together. I introduced to her to my family, closest friends and we just enjoyed a great summer. At my age, 53 (divorced for 16 years), I do not have the time for games so I am very particular about who I date and if there is or is not a chance and obviously, in this case, there were sparks. She really knew how important it was to meet my family and how private I am. One of the “warning” signs was how bad she talked about her ex husband, a narcissist controlling person that really messed her life up, or so I thought. So, to make this long story short. On our way home from one of our trips 2 weeks ago, she looks over and says “I am all in on us” on a Sunday, and on Monday, I receive a text that stated I reminded her of her ex husband and she cant deal with being with someone like me and “…that she loved me and she hoped I would find someone I deserve”. No phone call, even thought I tried to call her 3 times and no face to face, very cowardly, but, this is today’s world. She, in the 4 months, had never mentioned or addressed this issue or that I was like her husband. We never even had a disagreement I was not even sure what I had done! Very peculiar behavior, or so I thought until I read this article.
2 weeks ago she tells me she is all in
1 day afterward she is all out
4 days later I receive my house key with a cute doggy card and a “here is your house key”.
Exactly 14 days after the breakup, she is already on 2 dating sites (I am not on the dating sites but receive notifications through email of my “new matches”). As luck would have it, she is a 93% match! 🙂
She is a typical dumper, both the victim and now doing exactly what this article states she would do to a “T”. This article has her down to perfection. Nice to know she is a typical dumper and is just playing this thing out as the article states and that there will be a day where maybe she thinks about me and reaches out. I am not sure she will, but you just never know and even if she does, not sure I am going there again without knowing she is working on herself to be her best person she can be.
As for my response to her breakup text, I just said “I love you and had i known I was acting like your ex husband I would have made some changes to my habits so not to trigger you” and she replied “people cant change habits”. I said “I guess this is it” and she said “i guess so” and that was the end of that.
At my age, and I am older than many of you on here, you really do not know a person. It is sad, but I would also suggest hanging on to yourself, your values, your interests and love yourself. Life is too short!
I totally agree with what your saying me ex did me the same way and jumped into a relationship with another women and I was devastated but by reading the article it had my ex down to the tea! I’m working own me and what makes me happy and not worrying about him and his new partner, because I know I’m a good women and will one day find true love!
I don’t think this is accurate to say. I think it is what people tell them to justify their own shortcomings. My husband was cheated on, lied to, and taken advantage of for 6 years before his wife left HIM when he found evidence of her cheating and confronted her. He was devastated and almost drank himself to death for 2 weeks after she left him to be with “Caitlyn from work” aka Timmy. He and I had been good friends before we lost touch during our first marriages. I was in the middle of a divorce when he messaged me one Monday night, not knowing I was going through a divorce, too. He was just trying to reach out to any of his friends he had lost touch with during his marriage. We bonded over our similar experiences and got together like we used to before we went our separate ways. This was the first time in our 12 years of friendship that we’d both been unattached at the same time, and we realized our feelings for each other that had been suppressed or unrealized all along. We both moved on quickly from our abusive marriages, but we weren’t cheating and we didn’t leave our marriages because we wanted to find greener grass. You can’t blanket-statement relationships. I think it makes people feel better about themselves in a breakup if they convince themselves the other is a terrible person doing terrible things. Sometimes the breakup was inevitable. Sometimes the terrible things your ex did to you the entire relationship/marriage turns you cold and numb to them. Sometimes you find your meant-to-be in someone you didn’t realize was there all along. Maybe your ex was cheating. Maybe your ex did want to leave for a long time. But relationships and breakups are two-way streets. We could all use some self-reflection and take some responsibility for our own actions.
I totally agree with this. After giving my boyfriend too many chances to stop being verbally abusive every time he lost control of his temper, I finally had to say no more. I did not plan our break up, I didn’t hope to find someone better. I stayed too long because I loved him and wanted it to work, but I have to stand up for myself and for my young daughter, who luckily was not subjected to his bad behavior. It is unfair of them to portray every person who leaves as the one giving up.
Additionally, less than a month after leaving I had lunch with an old friend to catch up. We found out both of us were single, and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. There are no bad behaviors from me from my previous relationship, because the bad behaviors were not mine. I’m not saying I was perfect, but no one deserves to be abused. The author should change this article accordingly.
Thank you for writing this article. It truly helped me a lot.
My ex and I dated for three and a half years and just recently broke up. We come from different backgrounds and we are different people, but we worked hard on our relationship. I was always pushing us to communicate in order to solve our issues instead of piling them in and that helped us a lot because we knew what to work on. Later I noticed that we were always talking about things she considered issues, but when I would have an issue, she would disregard it. It created a little resentment, but I ignored that fact and continued working on us.
In general, I am not a person who talks much about his feelings because I don’t know how, but I like to show. I would cook for her sometimes, tell her how amazing she is. Always give her a big hug when I see her, buy her flowers, etc. In the last few months of our relationship, we became a bit distant from each other. During that time I was always asking myself what can I do better to improve this state. I started changing some things, impossible all at once, but I tried. Didn’t help much. We started having arguments more often. I mean, I am far from perfect and I had my moments of thoughts, “The grass is always greener”, but I never acted on it. Always tried to figure out what to improve with us.
In last few arguments, she would always add a question, “Do you think we should break up?”. I would always say no, we should work on it, but one day, I said yes, but I also explained that we maybe just need some time separated from each other to work on ourselves so we can come back together stronger and we can work on our relationship better. I know I was the one saying yes, but with constantly asking, I would say that she was the initiator.
We canceled our apartment and we had to move out. She didn’t care much because it is her hometown and always has a place to go, but I had to rush with the search unless I wanted to end up on the street.
While being separated, we stayed in touch (I was always initiating), I was checking on how she is doing and how is her family doing. And in the meantime, I was constantly thinking what was I doing wrong and how can I improve once we make up. I would write things down and also wrote things that we should talk about and work on together.
Little did I know, she started dating another guy within a week or two after our separation (if not earlier or even before we broke up). She didn’t tell me anything while we were talking during separation period. I found out after seeing pictures from her brother’s wedding which happened month and a half from our separation. She took another guy to her brother’s wedding to another country where she will introduce him to whole family. You don’t do that with a guy you just met.
Later I got confirmation from her friend that she knew that guy from before and “He got in touch with her once he found out she is single”. There was definitely something there even before we broke up. If not physical, definitely emotional.
I got weak and started talking to her about going back together. We’ve been through a lot and we know each other’s worse. That means a lot. We just need to work on us and change some habits to create more interesting relationship. Her reply was mostly focused on us leaving that apartment and how me moving out made her feel betrayed. I mean, we canceled the apartment together, so she knew we bost must look for a new place to live. To me, it seems like she wanted to try it with another person instead of working on us and this “moving out thing” gave her an excuse to put the guilt on me.
Hi Nikola.
It seems that your relationship was on the decline. You couldn’t resolve issues, so they piled up and made her doubt her feelings for you. Nothing you can/should do now that she left and started dating again. She’s decided to give other guys a try, so she won’t come back through conversation. I suggest you give her space and work on things you need to work on. She has to come to you.
She didn’t want to work on the relationship, so she found new people to branch to.
Best regards,
Zan