When a guy says he needs to find himself, he’s not being very honest with you.
He’s actually using one of the typical breakup excuses rational guys use in order to ensure a guilt-free breakup for themselves.
I say guilt-free because an ex using this excuse hates making you cry and seeing you hurt.
He feels guilty for breaking up with you and dislikes being the bad guy for selfishly terminating his relationship with you.
But guilt, unfortunately, doesn’t mean that he regrets breaking up with you or that he’s going to return in the near future.
It merely means that he’s unhappy about breaking your heart and seeing your heartbroken reaction.
Today, we’re going to talk about what it means when a guy says he needs to find himself. We’ll also talk about similar breakup excuses that mean the same thing.
When a guy says he needs to find himself
In order for your ex to avoid feeling distressed, your ex needed to find a way to stop having a guilty conscience.
He needed to come up with a trick that minimizes your self-blame and consequently, promotes his well-being.
After some thinking, he finally found it.
He found a way to kill two birds with one stone and told you one of the following excuses:
- I need to find/fix myself
- I want to focus on myself
- It’s just a break
- It’s not you, it’s me
- I need time to myself
- I’m confused
- I hate myself for doing this
- I want to become a better person
- I’m not good enough for you
- I don’t deserve you
If your ex’s final words were something along those lines, you need to know that your ex intended to move on as quickly and painlessly as possible.
He wanted to achieve this by telling you a bunch of half-truths and get rid of you in a swift and effective manner.
Here’s what him finding himself really meant.
What about you? How did his deceit and manipulation tactics affect you?
For starters, we already know that him lying about the reasons behind the breakup didn’t help you improve them.
His lies gave you a false sense of closure and gave you hope that he’ll return.
Since he basically said that “It’s not you, it’s him,” you now truly expect him to come back after he’s “found himself.”
You sincerely believe that if you just give him a little bit of time that he’ll return and love you again. Maybe he’ll finally appreciate you, change as a person, and love you stronger than before.
It could happen, right?
Well, the truth is that anything can happen. But if there’s anything I learned from working in the breakup field is that you can’t ever take the dumper’s promising words for granted.
Your ex probably promised you the world in the relationship once already and failed to fulfill his promises.
And if he didn’t, he let you down now and made you suffer way more than you deserve.
And that’s precisely why holding on to your ex’s false and undefined promises sounds absolutely ridiculous.
Your ex feels emotionally drained from the end of the relationship, so the odds of him coming back before he experiences life without you are very tiny.
Although it varies per person and the experiences he or she went through, your ex needs at least a few months to change the way he thinks and feels about himself and you.
Something emotionally challenging has to occur to him before he’s ready to do some soul-searching and realize your worth.
So even though your ex could have a change of heart and come back in the future, clinging on to hope won’t make your post-breakup time any easier on you.
Far from it.
The truth is that it will likely make you anxiously anticipate your ex’s every move and prevent you from enjoying life for a very long time.
Hoping your ex sticks to his words and comes back to you could also make you so obsessed with your ex that you end up stalking him online and offline and expect him to come crying back by a certain date.
But when he doesn’t do that or doesn’t live up to your expectations and starts dating someone else, the real breakup will begin.
Your world will flip upside down and the pain will make you sorry that you didn’t stick to the indefinite no contact rule from the beginning.
He doesn’t intend to come back
It’s no secret that a guy who “needs to find himself” is very unhappy with his current relationship and/or the life he’s living.
He’s probably not very happy with various things in life—including his relationship with you, so he’s now taking some time to himself to “figure himself out.”
Your ex basically wants to see if he misses you and wants you back after he’s spent some time without you or with someone else.
But you and I both know that love doesn’t work that way.
You either love and appreciate a person or you don’t.
There is no middle ground!
Saying “I love you just a little bit” certainly doesn’t make any person happy.
Such behavior would deprive a person of love and recognition—and as a result, gradually, help him or her detach from the relationship.
So try to understand your ex’s actions for what they are and see that he doesn’t love you anymore.
He stopped loving you and detached from you, so he now feels confused about his feelings for you.
In all honesty, he probably doesn’t even know what he wants anymore.
But I do.
I can tell you that what he’s secretly asking for is not just a bit of time to think about you and his abandoned relationship.
He’s actually asking for some unfortunate event that could help him want you and need you in his life.
In other words, your ex needs to rebound with someone or fully experience the grass is greener syndrome to realize your worth.
Your ex is confused
Your ex probably felt confused about what he wants in life.
But this doesn’t mean that he views you in the best light.
He still thinks that you’re the one responsible for his lack of happiness and direction in life.
And that’s why he told you that he needs to find himself and become happy with himself again.
This breakup excuse required very little effort on his end and manifested the best results for him.
All he needed to do to keep you quiet and leave him alone was to come up with a few self-blaming excuses—and the rest would take care of itself.
So if your ex willingly took responsibility for the breakup by lying to you, he didn’t respect you or himself enough to tell you the truth.
He only cared about running away from you and minimizing the damage his selfishness has caused to him.
He protected himself
Your ex knows that telling you the truth would hurt you badly and bring out a very anxious reaction.
He’s also aware of the fact that your response would unavoidably put pressure on him and cause him more pain and anxiety.
And that’s just something his weakened mentality can’t afford to go through.
Seeing you heartbroken would make him feel even more guilty than he already feels, so your ex instead went with plan B.
He took the blame for the breakup and let you blame him rather than yourself.
In doing so, he didn’t see you as sad as he would have had he told the truth—so he strategically alleviated his guilt.
This is why your ex-boyfriend’s “It’s not you, it’s me, I need to find myself,” and other self-blaming, final words are merely an excuse to justify his abandonment.
They are a sign that he regrets hurting you, seeing you sad—and that he doesn’t want you to be his girlfriend anymore.
If your ex-boyfriend broke up with you and told you that he needs to find himself before he comes back, his excuse meant the following things:
- The guy stopped loving you.
- He doesn’t understand why he can’t be with you and feels confused.
- He feels guilty for breaking your trust and wants to let you down gently.
When a guy says he needs time to figure himself out
If your ex told you he needs time to figure himself out or to work on himself, he essentially meant that he doesn’t value his relationship.
Whether it was his work, friends, illness, or a lack of ambition that was making him unhappy doesn’t really matter because your ex marked you as one of his main stressors.
He identified you as the person who prevents him from enjoying his life the way he expects to enjoy it and started to feel less and less happy every day.
Eventually, his negative thoughts of you accumulated so many bad emotions that his unhappiness turned into exhaustion and revulsion.
And that’s when he told you that “he needs to work on himself” and improve his overall emotional well-being.
In simple terms, he basically had to get rid of you to be happy—and do it in a way that would create the least stress.
So once again, if your ex told you he needs time to get his life in order, he lied to you.
He meant that he wants to chase after his happiness without you and see whether he misses you and thinks about you.
He won’t come back when he becomes happy
When a guy says he needs to find himself or gives you some other pitiful excuse, you need to understand that he doesn’t trust you with his happiness—nor love you enough to stay with you.
As difficult as it may be to hear, the guy wants to ditch you and work on his unhappiness on his own.
So don’t think that your ex chasing after his own dreams means that he’ll come back after he’s found his happiness.
It’s quite the opposite.
After he’s become happy, he’ll realize he doesn’t need you anymore and probably start dating someone else.
The only reason why he would come back is if he doesn’t find happiness and fails at creating the life he envisioned for himself.
Couples solve problems together — not without each other
Couples who respect each other, talk and confide in each other.
They solve their interpersonal as well as private issues with communication and continuously express gratitude in a healthy manner.
By openly expressing themselves, they grow their love and affection for each other and bond on a level that binds them together.
Your relationship with your ex, however, doesn’t work the same way.
Since your ex isn’t your partner anymore, there is no more love, respect, and gratitude.
Your ex said no to teamwork and voluntarily destroyed the whole foundation of your relationship.
He did it because he believed you were making him unhappy.
If he loved you, he would work with you, not against you
If your ex appreciated you for the person you are, he wouldn’t push you away even if he was depressed.
He would instead ask you to support him and be understanding of the difficulties he’s facing.
But since he didn’t ask for your cooperation, your ex soon came up with different plans for you.
He decided to discard you and tell you that he needs to find himself and better himself as a person just so you would give up on him faster.
Did your ex say he needs to find himself or give you some other “It’s not you, it’s me” excuse? Comment below and let me know.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Although this can be true,it doesn’t always mean all of this. There’s been actual realization that they do need to work on themselves especially if they previously have had hardships in their life they’re trying to recover from and they didn’t realize immediately that they would end up having past issues to resurface till something makes him realize it.
Hi D.
Of course, they need to work on themselves. But they can do that in the relationship with their partner. They don’t need to leave him to address the issues they neglected. Guys and women tend to use it as an excuse to justify the breakup. They often still have feelings for their ex and can’t commit to someone new.
Sincerely,
Zan
I was seeing someone, I thought I was dating him. He had been out of a relationship with his ex girlfriend of 7 years for 6 months, they have a kid (which honestly who doesn’t anymore) and things were going really good to begin with. He was all about me. But I’ve realized they were all just lies. He told me in the beginning that he couldn’t wait to see where this went. He really liked me a lot and always couldn’t wait to see me. He had his kid most of the time which made things kind of hard but I understand you are a parent first. We didn’t want to introduce our kids to each other just in case it didn’t work. But the way he would talk to me and the way he was to me. He would used to text me after I got off from work then it got to be later in the evening to if I didn’t text I wouldn’t hear from him. So he finally came out and told me again he still needed to find himself. We had, had already had that discussion after he made me believe he wanted something with me. A couple of times actually. We both gave each other the opportunity to get out if wanted to. But he told me over and over he wanted to be with me, We just needed to take things slow, then it went to slower. Ok.. I rarely seen him. All we did mostly was text. We had been out like 4 times within a 3 month period. I really like him and I care about him. He told me he cared about me too and actually told me he had feelings for me that were genuine. But doesn’t text me. He did once and honestly I feel like that was just for a booty call. This is a 43 year old man.. He needs to act like one. He has 2 kids, a 5 year old and a 29 year old. I did nothing but support him and try to be there for him because his ex was driving him crazy. He more less is going through what a married couple goes through when getting a divorce. Even our last conversation he told me that he didn’t want to let me go and he didn’t want me to let him go. Told me he was afraid to jump back into a relationship so quick. And I understand that. All I wanted was to at least either talk on the phone or text each other because we didn’t get to see each other that much. We never could plan anything because of his crazy ex.. I knew this wasn’t going to work. It never does with me. All guys do is lie to me and then leave me. And that has left me with a lot of problems.. I’m supposed to meet him to give him his necklace he left at my house sometime. I was going to mail it to him. I more then likely will have to do that because he’s already forgotten about it, but told me before it was an expensive necklace ( I would think it meant something to him). My heart hurts.. And I really don’t know how I’m suppose to handle this. This has probably been the most I’ve ever been lied to before..
Hi Amanda.
I know it’s hard, but try to stay strong. You just haven’t found the right guy yet. I suggest you ship his necklace back to him and remain in no contact.
Kind regards,
Zan
My fiancé of 8 years left after we had a silly argument and he has never returned, we have two children together. He ignored me for weeks just after the break up refused to talk about anything other than the kids. He now says he needs to find himself as he is depressed and confused and doesn’t know where he is at in life.
I’m really devastated he’s the nicest m guy in the world and then he just turned into an absolute cold hearted individual.
Hi Jeny.
He must have been dealing with stress and depression and couldn’t reciprocate your love. For that reason, you must let him go and focus on yourself. If he solves his issues, he may eventually come back. Just make sure not to wait because there’s no guarantee.
Hang in there, Jeny!
Zan
Similar situation here. He broke up over a month because he ‘didn’t know what he wants’.
At least has decency not to play games and admitted it wouldn’t be fair to string me along.
Stupid heart still has hopes, but I decided to cut him off.
It is so so painful and near impossible to move on from something like this.
I’ve been dumped before, ghosted, and that was so much easier than this, when they’re still there and wanting to remain friends.
Hi Kathy.
I suggest you cut your ex off. You don’t need to stay friends with him and pretend you’re not hurt. You have to put yourself first.
Best,
Zan
To ALL,
From experience…. (Posted a prior comment)
My best advice is to take time and space for YOURSELF. Don’t bash him or his ideas or decisions. It feeds negativity within you . Make lists of things you need to work on for SELF. Work on things mentally, emotionally and physically.Also work on things around your home . Travel , go for walks when the weather is nice , get those facials ,work on your health, exercise, drink water , work over time , treat yourself , clean and organize your home , meditate etc .
It’s not so much about partying and going off the edge to block the situation. Accept the situation for what it is and work on YOU . Flip all that love you have to give – put it into yourself . You’d be amazed how you can grow in a few months.
You will find the days and time goes by with ease and you did it all for you .
If you focus on yourself TOTALLY you will look back in 6 months to 1 year and found you loved yourself more than before . Your hurt and pain will lessen . You won’t be as angry or frustrated but become more understanding that things happen for a reason and you just have to let people be .
In the end if he is genuine about working on himself – you will be on your own game if you both reconnect.
If he is making excuses – you will be ok with the disconnect, because you have worked on your own self .
You can’t make anyone love you but you can love YOU to the fullest and best !!
One day at a Time !
Take your own space !
Make those lists to work on yourself and home and take a chance on YOU.
All the best !
Thank you for writing such an empowering comment, Elle. I hope it gives strength to those who need it!
Zan
My ex of 3 years broke up with me 3 weeks ago because I confronted him about deleting DMs from an ex. I knew they talked as friends from the beginning. He would let me read the texts and gave me his phone password. I never had the need to check on these because I trusted him. When he was scrolling through his phone I noticed there were no messages for a month but his ex’s profile came up. I assumed they communicate regularly since it was first. I asked him if he’s heard from her in the last month. He denied it. I then confronted him and he got very defensive. He said he felt I would be mad since I’ve been insecure about our relationship. I said deleting texts from an ex means he’s hiding something so I felt it was emotional cheating. He broke up with me. I didn’t hear from him for two days and I reached out. He said he felt bad for continuing to hurt me and needs to get back to be the person he was before me. He was very cold and only responded to my texts and never initiated them. I shared this article and he said it’s not the same thing. After that I broke all communication from him. I’m officially in “no contact” mode.
What are your thoughts on him hiding texts and him stating he needs to get back to being himself before he met me? Is that along these lines of excuses?
After reading this article it helped me immensely!!
Same issue here 🙁 .. i got the “i need to work on myself” but he created a tinder profile days later. He sent the occasional i miss you, thinking of you etc but that has stopped. We’ve been broken up a month now and we’ve seen each other an a few occasions .. but still he cant commit. I am really struggling- we had holiday plans and now Im spending it by myself crying my eyes out every day not wanting to leave the house while he just carries on. Effortlessly. He loves me i know that, but its not enough for him to want to fix things and not let me slip away. We had an amazing relationship and this literally happened overnight. Im still in shock. He is worried about me and my well-being but that doesnt change anything.
I should’ve started no contact but keep flaking.. he messaged me on my bday a couple of days ago and also yesterday to say we must chat when he is back in town because he doesnt want to be enemies – but that’s just to soothe his own mind and guilt.
I am so heartbroken 💔
Hi Nici.
You have to be strong and distance yourself from this guy. He’s going to keep hurting you if you don’t. And yes, he’s probably just trying to appease his guilt, so don’t sacrifice your well-being for him.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thank you for this article. Hard hitting and true. Needed to hear it. Best part is the comment people work together, not apart to find themselves. Amy other way is a cruel lie. Time to heal and be present for me
Im sorry … im going through the same damn thing! 😢
I am going through the same thing too. We been together 6 years and we broke up now a month and. A half ago he keeps playing games that he wants to get back together then he will tell me he just wants to be alone to figure himself out but wants to remain friends I am so heartbroken and over the situation time to move on
Hi KB.
I’m glad you see it for how it is. Time will help you detach.
Stay strong!
Zan