Updated on July 31, 2025
Before we talk about what to do after no contact when your ex contacts you, we need to clarify something. There is no such thing as “after no contact.” As long as you want your ex back, there’s only no contact. You must continue to do no contact and allow yourself to heal. You must stay in indefinite no contact and give your ex additional space and time to remember your positive traits and realize your worth.
If you end the no contact rule after a certain number of days, usually 30, or start contacting your ex when your ex reaches out to check up on you, you end the no contact rule prematurely and settle, or try to settle for friendship. This makes you look extremely eager to reconnect and be with your ex.
Your ex, in turn, feels overwhelmed and loses attraction or perhaps even respect for you. This is especially true if you start sending nostalgic texts and trying to convince your ex to come back and invest.
As a dumpee, you mustn’t think that no contact is limited to certain days or your ex’s first text (breach of no contact). No contact ends only when your ex reaches out to apologize and get back together, or when you move on and become okay with friendship or any response from your ex, even a negative one. That’s when you can communicate with your ex again and see whether your ex wants friendship, occasional communication, or something else.
Don’t think you can reason with your ex just because your ex said “hi.” A simple greeting and a short conversation don’t indicate that your ex has processed the breakup completely and fallen back in love. You may badly want that to be the case, but your ex is probably just breadcrumbing you (contacting you to receive information, support, or forgiveness.
It’s hard to understand the dumper’s intentions when your ex doesn’t express them clearly and makes you anxious, but it’s unlikely that your ex has discovered your romantic value and wants you back. If your ex wanted you back, your ex would have initiated the reconciliation process.
This means your ex would have contacted you, apologized, expressed feelings and regrets, and invited you out or proposed getting back together. Under no circumstance would your ex have treated the reach-out as just a friendly conversation and completely avoided the topic of getting back together. Even the most passively regretful dumpers contact the dumpee, appear anxious and sad, and bring up reconciliation. They’re in pain and fear staying broken up (unhappy), so they do everything in their power to reconnect with the person who can ease their suffering.
So if your breakup wounds are still fresh and your ex showed no interest in getting back together, start by learning about the rules of no contact and the typical breakup mistakes you should avoid for your own good. These things will prevent you from assuming you need to take the initiative with your ex after 30, 45, 60, or 90 days of no contact and try to change the outcome.
They’ll prevent you from thinking you must impress your ex and make your ex want to be with you.
As a dumpee, remember that it’s not your responsibility to get on your ex’s good side. Your only job is to stay quiet and let the power of silence after the breakup do its magic. Silence will slowly heal your wounds, rebuild your confidence and self-esteem, and return your zest for life.
Of course, there’s no guarantee that your ex will want you back if you leave your ex alone and focus entirely on yourself. But what is certain is that your ex won’t find you attractive and want you back if you pester him or her with unsolicited texts and calls.
Your ex will find you annoying and incapable of moving on without him/her.
Every time you start a conversation with your ex on your terms and talk about things your ex couldn’t care less about, you smother your ex and show your ex you can’t live without him or her. That kind of desperation further decreases your ex’s interest in you and respect for you, and makes your ex do something that rejects you and prevents you from loving yourself.
Something like ignoring you, getting angry, acting cold, or cutting the conversation short and showing no interest in being with you.
So if you want to know what to do after no contact when your ex finally reaches out (not when you reach out), I strongly encourage you to observe your ex and see what your ex wants.
If your ex just wants to catch up and leave the conversation afterwards, your ex just wants to know how you’re coping with the breakup and if you have any hard feelings or regrets. Your ex might try to friendzone you and keep you in his or her life for selfish reasons.
But if your ex appears nervous and asks you out (or wants to ask you out), then your ex is likely in the regret stage of a breakup and wants to reconcile with you as soon as possible. The longer your ex stays away from you, the more hurt your ex gets and the more he or she understands the value you add to his or her life as a romantic partner.
When the dumper regrets breaking up with the dumpee, the dumper lets the dumpee know that. He or she verbally expresses regret or expresses regret in non-verbal ways. The dumper feels hurt and is in a hurry to reconnect with the person he or she loves.
In today’s post, we answer the question: What should you do after no contact when your ex messages you?
We also explain how to understand what your ex wants and how to respond appropriately.
What to do after no contact?
After no contact, you only have two options to choose from.
You can either talk to your ex and hope your ex has realized or soon realizes your romantic value, or go back to no contact and wait in it until your ex wants you back or you’re ready to be friends. What you should do after no contact depends on your detachment and your ex’s intentions.
If your ex wants you back, you can immediately discuss the lessons of the breakup and the terms and conditions of the new relationship. This includes everything your ex has learned since the breakup and what you expect from your ex to make the relationship work. If your ex truly regrets breaking up with you, your ex will happily oblige. He or she will begin working on him/herself and make the necessary changes.
Your ex won’t have much ego because pain, regret, and fear of breaking up and losing your love and support will remind your ex that you add a lot of value to his or her life. Your ex won’t risk losing the benefits you contribute to the relationship, so your ex will be more than happy to let you take charge and do what it takes to earn your trust and respect back.
If your ex doesn’t want you back, however, then you don’t have a choice but to go back to no contact. You must cut your ex off immediately and remember that your ex can’t make you happy as a friend. Friendship is dangerous for you as it hinders your detachment, self-love, and purpose outside of the relationship.
Talking to your ex as just a friend will overwhelm your anxious mind and make you wonder if your ex still has some love left for you. Such thoughts will disorientate you and destroy the progress you’ve made in no contact.
All the progress you’ve made will go to waste, as your ex will pull you back to the start of the breakup and make you relive the pain.
That’s why you must keep your ex at a safe distance until you’re certain your ex wants you back. You need to protect your wounded heart and remember that an ex who breadcrumbs you doesn’t know or care how you feel. Your ex just wants something from you. Whatever it is, it doesn’t interest you now that you’re putting yourself first and recovering emotionally.
Life’s too short to worry about the dumper and entertain his or her breadcrumbs. If the time after a breakup isn’t meant for prioritizing your health and well-being, then I don’t know when is. You must use this time to detach and figure out what went wrong. Things will start to make more sense the longer you maintain your distance and recognize your ex’s shortcomings.
Your ex may also try to be your friend or an occasional friend and guilt-trip you into settling for less than you deserve. By telling or showing you that he or she still cares about you, your ex will trigger your repressed feelings and make it difficult for you to understand whether he or she is trying to come back or is just being friendly.
If you’re not sure what your ex wants, you can always just ask your ex. Ask something like, “How come you reached out all of a sudden?” If your ex doesn’t use that opportunity to admit to wanting you back (not just missing you), your ex has no business speaking with you. He or she must be told to leave you alone and let you focus on yourself.
So forget about reeling your ex in and trying to win your ex back after no contact. Your top priority should be to figure out how your ex feels and what your ex wants. Once you’ve learned what your ex wants from you, you can then take appropriate action.
Appropriate action will allow you to minimize the amount of pain entering your system and encourage you to stay in control of your body and mind.
With that said, here are some things to do after no contact when your ex reaches out.
Ways an ex could contact you during no contact
An ex can reach out in many different ways, but from what I’ve seen, some types of reach-outs are more common than others.
The most common reachout is a simple “Hi” or “Hey, what’s up?” Dumpers prefer to use this simple approach to feel the waters. They want to first make sure that their ex respects them and wants to chat as much as they do.
When they see their ex is ready to engage in conversation, they then directly or indirectly try to get what they want or need from their ex.
If they’re looking for ways to stop feeling guilty, they don’t directly say they feel bad for hurting their ex. Most of the time, they try to make their ex feel better and appease their guilt in the process.
If they want their stuff back, they’re a bit more direct than that. They say they were hoping to get XYZ back and that it’s important to them.
And if they’re curious and want to catch up, they talk about things unrelated to the breakup.
Usually, they’re quite direct about wanting to reconcile with their ex as they’re in too much pain to stay quiet and hide their feelings. Hence, they get back with their ex soon or right after the first reach-out.
You need to know that your ex might express what he or she wants right away or converse with you for a while and only then ask for a favor. This depends on your ex’s intentions, how much time your ex has to spare, and how comfortable he or she is speaking with you.
If you’re still in no contact with your ex, I suggest that you remain vigilant for reach-outs (especially breadcrumbs) and bear in mind that your ex could contact you in ways that feel good but aren’t any good for your healing.
Your ex could break the no contact phase by saying:
- Hey
- I miss you
- How’s the dog?
- Are you seeing anyone?
- I like your pictures on FB/Tinder
- Are you busy?
- Is this a good time to talk?
- Did you pass your exams?
- I shouldn’t be reaching out, but I wanted to see how you were doing
Your ex could also send you pictures and quotes and reply to your stories. These may qualify as breaches of no contact, but they don’t imply that your ex is ready to be with you and that no contact is over. To make it simple, if your ex contacts you about anything other than reconciliation, it’s a meaningless message that doesn’t change anything for you.
It just gives you unnecessary hope, makes you obsessed, and prolongs your healing.
The only few things you should pay attention to are how your ex speaks to you, how your ex feels, and whether your ex is trying to gather the courage to invite you out/ask for another chance.
If your ex wants to date you again, you can be certain your ex will say it or show it. Your ex won’t string you along for days or weeks, like some dumpers do.
Only dumpers who desire non-romantic things and don’t want their ex back confuse their ex. Such exes mustn’t be allowed to keep reaching out over and over again. Dumpees must realize that their exes are reaching out for themselves and that entertaining them won’t give them the results they want.
It will only make them analyse their ex’s words and actions, increase their anxiety, and delay the time it takes to strengthen their self-love.
Always remember that dumpers usually reach out for themselves. They have no intention of getting back together, as their main goal is to learn what their ex is up to and how he or she is feeling. Their lack of romantic interest is obvious because they avoid talking about the relationship or the breakup.
How to talk to an ex who reached out?
Years ago, I used to think it mattered how long you waited to respond to your ex after he or she reached out. I believed that, as a dumpee, you were supposed to wait for hours before replying, as doing so would make you appear more secure and in control.
But now I see that you don’t need to wait that long. The reason for that is that if your ex is anxious and wants you back, delaying your response for hours or days won’t make a difference. It won’t make your ex love you or love you more, especially if your ex just wants to know how you’re doing.
Sure, it might make your ex check his or her phone a few times, but other than that, it won’t change the way your ex perceives you and feels about you.
Feelings can’t be manipulated simply by delaying a response. Your ex must develop them naturally through reflection and realization. That’s the only way your ex can grow respect and love for you and decide to want you back romantically.
So when your ex contacts you during or after no contact, know that a few minutes of waiting are enough for your ex to respect you. The real question is whether they’re enough for you. Can you collect your thoughts that quickly and say non-pressuring/desperate things?
If you can, feel free to respond to your ex.
Weed out unnecessary comments and jump straight to the “Why have you reached out” part. The quicker you ask your ex about his or her reasons for contacting you, the quicker you can figure out whether your ex’s reach-out is a breadcrumb or a means of getting back together.
While you’re learning about your ex’s intentions, know that you needn’t showcase all the changes and improvements. You’ll likely feel a strong need to demonstrate everything you’ve learned and accomplished as a result of the breakup, but know that your ex doesn’t care about that. If your ex has feelings and wants you back, your ex has already accepted your flaws.
Your improvements will make your future relationship better, but they don’t matter now that your ex is still your ex.
I know there’s a lot of conflicting information about what to do after no contact when your ex reaches out, but don’t do anything that shows you still want to reconcile. The dumper must see that your priorities have shifted and that you won’t beg for love.
Instead of begging, you should appear slightly disinterested in your ex and express the wish to end the conversation. If your ex has romantic feelings for you, he or she will reveal them to you before you get a chance to stop talking. I’m certain of that because your ex will fear losing you.
So forget about showcasing the new you or pretending to be someone you’re not. Not only does your ex not care, but your ex will see that you’re trying hard to impress. That will make it harder for your ex to feel love for you and invest emotionally.
I remember making the mistake of sounding too excited when I talked to my ex. It wasn’t a deal-breaker or anything, but it was unnecessary to show enthusiasm for someone who no longer had feelings for me. It took me a while to realize this, but when I did, I stopped trying to impress my ex and did what was best for my healing.
If you don’t want to converse with your ex and get strung along like I did, I encourage you to remain in control of your emotions when your ex reaches out. Do that by refusing to talk too much and act excited.
If possible, appear neutral, disinterested, and take control of the conversation.
As soon as your ex reaches out, ask your ex why he or she has reached out, and then either agree to meet up with your ex, don’t agree, or stop talking to your ex. Just don’t act like you’re super happy to hear from your ex and that you need him or her to survive.
Your ex will respect you and think about you more if you don’t chase attention and validation.
You might not hear from your ex for a while
Once your ex has texted or called, your ex might leave you alone for days, weeks, or months. I don’t have a crystal ball to predict what your ex will do or not do, but chances are your ex will bury the hatchet, relieve guilt, get comfortable, and focus on himself or herself again.
If that happens, your ex will no longer feel the need to converse with you (at least not for emotional reasons) and focus on him/herself. Your ex will probably forget about you for a while and make you wonder what the reach-out was all about.
An ex could later reach out due to curiosity or boredom. Curiosity and boredom drive dumpees to reach out, too, but for that to happen, dumpers must first deal with any lingering anger and resentment.
They must forgive their ex for making them feel hurt or uncomfortable and see the positives of reaching out.
So bear in mind that an ex who reaches out to you for the first time might not continue to stay in frequent touch with you. He or she might leave you alone for weeks, months, or perhaps even forever. It depends on whether your ex respects you, what your ex needs from you, and the lessons your ex learns without you.
If your ex is busy, dates someone else, and is happy, your ex probably won’t reflect and reach out. Your ex won’t see a reason to.
You need to keep your hopes low and remember that a single message from your ex doesn’t give you the green light to go back into full contact. You still need to protect your wounded heart and let your ex put in the effort.
“The effort” includes initiating contact, apologizing, promising meaningful changes, and showing you through actions that things will be different this time around.
Things to do after no contact
If you’re trying to learn what to do after no contact, first and foremost, start no contact again.
By going no contact, you’ll avoid pressuring your ex, protect your image, and let your ex continue to self-prioritize. It’s important not to act on fear and pain and try to make your ex come back by force. Your ex must come back on his or her own – when life gets difficult and triggers a powerful reflection.
No contact can help with that, as it can encourage your ex to reflect and redevelop love and commitment. While you’re waiting for your ex to fail and engage in meaningful reflection, you should work on your flaws, interests, self-love, and detachment.
Every dumpee has different shortcomings, interests, and ways to stay busy, but there are some things most dumpees could benefit from:
- engaging in the pursuit of old and new hobbies
- self-reflection and self-improvement
- spending time with friends and family
- going on vacation
- taking time off from dating
- volunteering
- reading
- journaling and therapy
- staying physically active
- forgiving the dumper
- and moving on
The time after the breakup is the most influential part of your life. If your breakup (a rejection) doesn’t give you the kick in the butt you badly need to make some healthy changes, nothing will. You’ll probably stay as you are and perhaps even blame others when things don’t go your way.
Hence, it’s important to stay busy and understand that nothing will motivate you more than a painful loss of confidence and self-esteem. At first, it will probably demotivate you. But when you realize you need to evolve to boost your chances with your ex and happiness in life, you’ll feel a strong desire or need to change your life for the better.
Improvements are needed for you to dissociate from your ex, let go of the past, and consider yourself a worthy individual, deserving of love and healthy relationships.
So instead of just waiting for your ex to have a change of heart, take back control of your life by investing in areas of your life that need the most work. If you do this right, you won’t desire your ex for long.
Soon, you’ll detach from your ex and realize that your life no longer revolves around your ex. It revolves around your goals, priorities, and the people who truly care about you.
Do you agree with what to do after no contact? What do you think you should do when your ex contacts you? Share your opinion below the post.
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My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
To the person writing this blog thank you so much!
I am broken up about 2 weeks, on and off no contact.
I was dumped and bit needy for a day or so then said all the best I respect your decision.
He told me many times “it’s for the best” and last comment he’s checked out of the relationship, but we can meet in person to talk in a public place when he gets back from his 2 week camping trip.
So I think great he will be out of service for 2 weeks so I don’t text. Then he texts me “just letting you know we all made it safe and well have a good one smiley face.” I’m thinking what?? Why’d you text. I was already knuckling down for no contact and now I know you can access service.
I responded a day later, I’m glad hope your speargun goes well for ya.
Then I go no contact again for almost 4 days, by the evening I had decided to give up on him for good and was in bed crying hard for the first time. At that moment I get my “hey how are you, just sending a msg to see how you are?”. I reply and say I’m doing well etc and make out I’m all good. 🙁 A few more texts.
Then two days later of NC I succumb to wanting to relieve my anxiety and send a text then say sorry ignore my text, etc.
So anyway, I’m back to my first full day again of no contact. On day 2 now. Will try to stick out another 5 days without a text from him, then perhaps see what happens then.
Am I doing it right by responding politely if he does text? He doesn’t say anything about the breakup but I get smile faces and Lols. Which is weird. 4 days was the limit before I’m going to try a lot harder NC now for 2 weeks
Any tips guys and girls
I hope you’ll see this my anxiety is destroying me right now and sending me into depression
Its been 3 months since we broke up, 2 months of no contact, and our would be 2 years of dating anniversary was yesterday. She texted me saying that she was coming over this Saturday morning to pick up the rest of her stuff in the garage. The way she texted it wasn’t her normal way of texting and almost seemed like she was mad, I told her that I work Saturday morning at 10am so when does she think she’s gonna be there, she said that she’ll show up at around 9:30am so I can lock up the house before I go to work, again pretty dry and straight to the point and then she just says “Thank you!” And thats that, the weird thing is her mom still lives in this town and stops by all the time to grab mail so why couldn’t she just text her mom to pick up her stuff instead of driving 300 miles for 2 boxes of clothes? I would say maybe she wants to reconcile but she was very cold and straight to the point and even only wanting to show up 30 minutes before I have to be at work like she wants the least bit of contact possible? I’m so confused with the mixed signals like why drive all this way for 2 boxes but seemingly not want to talk to me at all, someone please help, my anxiety is through the roof
I think it is like what you said. She wants to see you, just not enough. If she had hatred for you, she would not have cared to pick up two boxes of clothes. If she didn’t care about you at all, she would probably have not wanted to pick up the clothes at all or sent her mom. Her driving all that way to pick up her clothes indicates she possibly wants to see some of you – it makes sense that she is missing you too and wants a non-desperate way to see you. However, she doesn’t want anything more. That is why she timed her meeting to half hour before your work so that the interaction time is extremely limited and there’s no chance of extending it. But understand this is all conjecture. I think the safest bet is to let her make her intentions clear in her own time. If she really does want to get back together, it should come from her. If you have any terms that need to be implemented for a new relationship to happen, I think you should wait until she has made her intentions to be with you clear. It is of utmost importance not to lose self respect and power at any time during this process and henceforth for life! So like the article suggests, patience and having a life of your own really is your best friend if you want a relationship that’s fulfilling with the person you care about. In short, take your cues from her, keep your self respect intact. As for your anxiety, perhaps working on trying to move on or being open to the possibility of being with other people will help as all your relationship eggs will not be on the one basket. Again, as a woman this is what her actions indicated to me. But I of course can’t know for sure. Moving on with your life will help you to see the truth better IMO. Hope you are doing better.
My ex and I broke up last December, on the first week on January I went NC and completely radio silent, nothing, zip, nada came out of me for 5 months even though we work together on the same floor. I still loved her when she broke up with me, I never plied or begged for her to come back, although I acted abit immature in some things (she never gave me closure)
Anyway she just sent me some texts on instagram (I haven’t checked any of them yet) I’ll wait until tomorrow evening or the day after to read and reply.
All I know right now’s that I’m healing and I don’t want her back, at least now, we both have to deals with some demons, all I want right now is to little by little recover the friendship we once had.
We’ll see how things go, I’ll take it little by little. Patience is my forte and it has worked this and many other times before.
As someone once said “Tomorrow is another day”
Thank you Zan for all the help you give us, it’s been a journey for me and I’m sure it’s far from over.
All the best from Chile
My ex girlfriend and I broke up Jan 2019, though we have been in and out of a relationship for roughly 4 years, but we still did the same things couples do until she told me to move on and not wait on her anymore, that she’s seeing someone else. I initially pleaded with her and was pretty much in her space, then apologized and let her be. She said I shouldn’t wait on her and I should start dating someone else.
I did the no contact rule for 2 weeks, but hit her up on her birthday, she was pretty chatty and responsive and stated she’s looking forward to me taking her out for her birthday dinner which we had initially planned before we fell apart.
The night I took her out for dinner, I acknowledged my shortcomings which led to the break up and told her I accepted the breakup. She was surprised about this and said I have really changed.
After the dinner, I walked her to her apartment, she held onto me, and I told her I was happy for her new relationship. For some reason, it became obvious she was in a rebound/convenient relationship, which we both laughed at but she’s willing to make the relationship work.
While we kept talking, she mentioned we should go to my apartment, that she wanted to listen to what I have to say. We ended up in my apartment around past 11PM, cuddled till she left at 2AM, but she kept on saying she’s in a relationship several times while we were cuddling and mentioned I shouldn’t fight for her.
During this period, she let her guard down, held onto me tightly and kissed me several times while we slept off. It was pretty obvious she still has feelings for me and likes me a great deal, but kept on saying she’s in a relationship and I should date other girls. I did ask her for another date, and she mentioned she would think about it
She was really happy we got together but, started acting cold and distance the next morning. I posted a pic of us on my social media, while she posted a pic of our wine glasses on hers likewise and said she really appreciates me.
I’m pretty much respecting her space, though she replies my messages briefly and the one time we spoke, I could tell she didn’t want to spend too much time on the phone, though she mentioned I call her when I woke up since I was asleep.
She’s 32, and pretty ready to settle down. She’s aware I’m willing to do the same, at this point I don’t know if I should give her space, keep in touch occasionally and be patient or just move on.
She’s also in a long distance relationship, but according to her, she doesn’t love him but they’ve been friends for a while.
She’s the very disciplined type when in a relationship, but was surprised when she decided to go out with me for her birthday dinner and ended up in my apartment.
She let her guards down too quickly and was overcome with emotions when she was affectionate with you. And I have a hunch that she regretted it the next day. You said she kept saying that she’s in a relationship – sounds like she was trying to pace things despite knowing that she’s the one allowing things to go very far on the first day ‘back together.’ When I read that you two got affectionate the very first night, I immediately thought to myself “big mistake.” There are probably a lot of things she wasn’t happy with in the old relationship. And if she is to entertain getting back into a relationship with you, she needs her needs to be met. For that to happen, she needs her chance to be able to voice them to you. And this communication needed to happen before things got amorous, not after. I bet she feels like she lost some of her power or regretted letting her guard down and showing her real emotions so soon. If you do want to get back with her, help her to pace things as you lay the groundwork of the new relationship. She obviously still has feelings for you and is still attracted to you, so she may have trouble controlling her impulses in closed quarters with you. If you care about the success of having a new healthy relationship with her, don’t rush things. Give her time to deal with her emotions. Take time out to do whatever work needs to be done on you. Two new people need to start a new relationship for it to be successful, otherwise you both will fall into your old patterns. I liked Tom/Tomas’ response. He obviously cares about her still, but he’s willing to accept that things weren’t perfect as they were, and he is working on himself while allowing time for her to work on herself. To me, that’s the best chance at having a healthy relationship. And if you should later realize that your feelings have changed or you’re not right for one another or whatever it is, you can at least still be friends. These are my two cents as a woman. Hope it helps.
my girlfriend and i broke up about 2 months ago, actually 3 months ago but at first i just thought is was a fight and we continued talking for about a month, she then informed me that she was changing her status on f/b and removing pictures of us from there, i told her i accept her decision and i wished her happiness, i did remark that i thought she had a guy on the backburner she had mentioned him a week or two earlier that they were old friends, so i went into no contact about a month in she contacted me asking for something i bought off her, she offered to pay me back for it and i responded that i would send it back and she could keep the money and that since we broke up i should pay her back for a surgery for my cat that she helped pay for, she responded back that “she didn’t want my money and to just put it in the mail” i did not respond to that and 2 days later she posted she was in a relationship with the guy i originally suspected, I’ve resumed no contact and really trying to improve all areas of my life, i even posted a pic of a girl and i out to dinner, my question is did i screw up offering her money back or by not responding to her last message, or by posting a pic of me out to dinner with a female, thanks
No, I don’t think so to the first two. She actually showed she’s not a lowlife by not wanting your money. Also, she’s showcasing to you her value as a high value woman by doing so. And you showed you have a life by not replying back right away. I don’t think either of these things will hurt your chances of getting back together in the long run (if that’s what you wanted when you asked your question.) And by offering to pay her back, you showed that you truly do care about her and her wellbeing. So in and of itself, these interactions were positive in my opinion as a woman. As for posting a picture of someone you went out on a date with, that seemed a little tit for tat to me. She changed her Facebook status when she was in a relationship with the new guy. You posted a picture after a night out. It gives some vibes of being spiteful. IMO you should post pictures or change status or whatever if you ever do seriously move on with someone new. Trying to make her jealous is not a good idea, it will probably cause her to have negative emotions about you. At this time I think that respecting her decision to move on, and moving on yourself is the healthiest thing to do. It does seem like this is a rebound relationship so it’s possible things may not end well. If there is to be a true reconciliation in the future, I think you should follow the advice given in these articles and take things slow. Hope that helped.
Hi there, this site has really helped me with my breakup but I still feel heartbroken. My ex and I were together for 4 years she’s much younger than I am but I was coming off a separation and been a dragged out divorce. She told me she was going to leave if it wasn’t finalized and finally did about 3 months ago. She was angry and heartbroken. Finally my stuff has gone through. I went no contact after first month of begging and she reached out to me the other day after 2 months with a how are you? Of course I texted her back and we had a good conversation when she said I think I should tell you I have a bf. But she said she’s not in love with him, and also told me he’s been good to her, and cares for him. She also said he knows about me. Im heartbroken. I know deep down she still loves me and wondering if it’s a rebound and what to do next. I told her I was happy for her and won’t stand in the way but that I felt we should give ourselves another real chance without any interruptions. Any thoughts or advice would help. Thank you. D
Rebounds rarely ever last and as long as you remain strong; cool, calm and collected, she will run back to you when it falls apart.
She wouldn’t have told you she didn’t love him if it didn’t matter. I feel as though she’s starting to test the waters. Maybe she’s starting to miss you and she wanted to see how you’d react to her telling you she had a boyfriend. If you react easy going, she will feel you are strong and safe for her.
Thanks Ben I appreciate your feedback. She also texted me last week about the super bowl because she knows I’m a chiefs fan. No questions, just a statement she made and I wanted a day and replied with a short response and that was it. Haven’t heard from her since then. Any thoughts? I’m trying to just let it be.
Now that the chiefs won she sent me another quick message after the game like that was awesome they won, but that was it. I haven’t replied but need some advice on what to do. Any thoughts? My original story is posted above. Thanks, DL
What ended up happening? Seems like she wants your attention again and what u do at this point is crucial. I would keep the message reply back very short but I would def reach back but not show much importance
I ended up not replying to her. I just feel like it wasn’t helping my healing at all. It’s now May and I have not heard from her since. I guess her rebound is working out or she didn’t care for me as much as I thought. My heart is broken as I still love her deeply and most likely always will. Any thoughts on how to progress? Thank you
Well now after I wrote that a few days ago I got a text this morning saying hey how are you. I’m so confused and conflicted. Any thoughts please would be appreciated! DL
DL your situation was similar to mine what happened in the end?
How to improve myself if In case she texts me and how to make her feel attracted to me again zan? I’m in no contact since 5 + months since I took up no contact and started focusing on my self and lately there’s an immense gut feeling that she’s gonna be texting me and I feel im not ready yet to text her yet I don’t know Wat to do
Hi Zan,
First let me start by saying what an amazing resource this website is! Its really helped and continues to help me through a tough time.
Me and ex broke up around two months ago now after being together for nine years due to her feeling like i didn’t commit enough, after some begging and pleading and grand gesture i managed to get myself blocked (moderate begging or texting her now and then for around a month after the breakup) her last message to me was very nasty and cold then she blocked me. A couple of days after that she text my sister (i think she was drunk) asking how i was and saying she was really struggling and missing me but knows that its for the best. A week after this i messaged her on social media (only Facebook im not blocked on) and she ignored message so i went back into NC.
around four weeks later which brings us to last week i woke up to a couple of missed calls from her and a voicemail message the message was saying she hopes im ok (repeated), telling me she thinks of me every day and somethings that had happened that day that we would usually talk about and that she really misses me but knows she shouldn’t have called because she has been a d##ick. The following day i tried to call her but my number was still blocked so i messaged her on fb telling her i had tried to return her call.
She responded straight away but had no recollection of the call at all but was talking to me like normal, sending me pictures of her new niece and asking questions generally and was quite engaging. she started taking some time to respond and i expected that she would end the conversation at any time, i was polite and told her it was nice to speak to her and said i hope she has a nice Christmas, she responded with a smiley emoji. My question is, do you think i did the right thing? if she gets in touch drunk whats the best thing to do and do you think she will reach out again? should i contact her now or go NC again? its been a week since we messaged.
I really want to work things out with her and two months in it feels hopeless, i know there are a couple of her friends that dont like me and her dad (who she lives with because he thinks that i never committed) The rest of her family like me – I think! We really were like best friends and i miss her like crazy, we went from speaking all day every day and night to nothing and its very difficult.
Any help would be appreciated on this! I never normally comment but i have seen that you reply!
Hi Alex.
I hope that you’ve found the answers you were looking for with the help of my emails.
Kind regards,
Zan
My ex initially asked for a break which I denied and then we broke up.
He needed to travel and figure out his stuff…said he couldn’t give me what I needed.
Then he said he wasn’t ready to lose me. We civilly broke up but I asked he not contact me unless he has what I need or there is an emergency. He tried sending kind msgs in the first 2 weeks after the breakup to which I told him was unnecessary. Now after 32 days he msgd sending a random apology…saying I didn’t deserve how I was treated and that I deserve more and came into his life at a strange time.
I said thanks I appreciated his comment and then he said I deserve more and I said yes I do because I gave a lot and that if he told me he couldn’t give me what I needed there wasn’t much to discuss.
I’m not sure if he will reach out again or what the message means…or how to deal with this..
Hi Trix.
It doesn’t matter what his messages mean as long as they don’t say, “Let’s get back together.”
Stay in NC and you’ll most probably hear from him again soon.
Kind regards,
Zan
Me and my ex girlfriend broke up 4 months ago. Since then I have made some mistakes in asking her to get back with me. She says she’s not the same person anymore and she’s working on finding herself and being a better person. After constantly getting rejected I decided to stop contacting her. She will randomly text or call just to see how I’m doing and I usually play it cool and just respond in a cordial manner. After conversations it usually leads to us not speaking again for a couple weeks until she reaches out again and asks how I’m doing. I’m not sure what to do here, we’ve been going through this cycle for a while now. I made it clear to her that a friendship will never work. It’s been 2 weeks now and we haven’t spoke, I sense she will reach out soon. Do I continue to play it cool and just be friendly? Or should I let her know that if she doesn’t have any intentions other then just asking how I’m doing to not contact me anymore. I want her back but I feel I’ve tried everything and nothing works. I’m at the point now where I’m not afraid to walk away, I’ve found peace and happiness alone and as much as I believe we can make it work, if she doesn’t feel the same it will never happen. I feel as if she feels she can just come back to me from whatever it is she’s doing whenever she feels like it. I want to make it clear to her that I will not tolerate this continuous cycle nor will I continue having these false feelings of hope anytime she reaches out. It’s either you’re with me or you aren’t, no in betweens, not checking in to see how I’m doing or what I’m up to.
Personally, I would be upfront and tell her that you appreciate that she is interested in how you are doing, but this whole friend-ship like state isn’t going to work for you. If you make your intentions clear enough, she will realize that she cannot have you, or rather, hear from you, whenever she wants. I would also say to her that if she changes her mind on the situation, to give you a text or call, so that next time that you hear from her, at least you know what’s it about rather than having to guess like i’m assuming you have been.
Work on yourself, do not contact her, and if she realizes she made a mistake or wants to potentially sort things out, she will get in contact no matter what.
Hi Zan,
My breakup was more over status than love. Because of our work, we had to keep our relationship a secret. This worked well for two years, but recently she said she could not bear this burden (not being social or meeting her friends and family) any longer and broke things off suddenly without discussing it first. Recently, however, she left the company and went back to graduate school, which means our relationship no longer has to be a secret (although she still under the belief that it has to be, hence the break up). I went into no contact and then, after 3 weeks she reached out with an incredibly positive email about how much she loves and cares about me, and how she is sorry to “do this” to me, but she still highlighted the fact that this was the right thing to do. It was a conflicting and emotional email. I responded back with a light, positive email that included a shared (and fond) memory without mentioning anything about the breakup. I thought, based on her email, that I would get a quick response back, but crickets so far (2 full days). I know I need to be patient, but my question is, what if I just tell her that the “burden” of keeping a secret no longer exists and that it is possible that we could start a new and stronger relationship (slowly)? My only fear is that it would appear needy and not show respect for her original decision to break up. Also, I fear that it could open up more reasons for the breakup that I am unaware of or that I am putting all my eggs into one basket for permanent failure. I think it is probably to be patient and let her come to realization that she wants me back, but deep inside me, I just want to tell her that the reason for the breakup no longer exists. Advice?
Hi Harry.
Your relationship wasn’t making your ex happy. So until she herself realizes that work was the only issue, you shouldn’t reason with her.
She probably knows that the issue is no longer present, but this doesn’t change the fact that she needs to come back to you.
It was her decision to break up with you. It has to be hers to come back.
If she loves you, she’ll be back.
Kind regards,
Zan
My ex broke up with me 3 months ago. After an initial week of pleading, I went into full no-contact. After 3 months she randomly reached out to me to tell me how appreciative she is that I was in her life, that she misses me, and would love to reconnect. I reciprocated a similar text and left it at that. The next day she added me back on Facebook. The day after that she texted saying that being downtown without me felt weird (something we did frequently). I responded back “maybe the stars will align and we’ll have another someday.” She responded “Lets hope!” Nothing since then going on 4 days.
Dont get me wrong, I want her back but am totally trying to play it cool. Do I continue to let her initiate convo? Or am I at the point where I need to take some initiative to keep it going?
Hi Devin.
Let her nostalgia continue and wait for her to invest in you again.
Keep playing it cool and show no signs of weaknesses.
Best,
Zan
Hi,
My ex dumped me 5 weeks ago and after telling him that I was gutted and thought it was the wrong decision, I went into no contact. He messaged me a week later about something random that I found have found funny and I made it politely clear that it wasn’t ok to message me. Since then he still likes all my insta posts but hasn’t messaged until yesterday when he sent ‘I saw your post on insta. I’m sorry to pop up like this 😬 and didn’t want to say there publicly, but i wanted to say how cool it is you’re starting something you love and that excites you. I’m really very happy for you. You deserve only appreciation and fulfilment and to explore your skills and wonderful taste in a way that brings you joy. Good luck Sarah. You’ll be amazing‘. A few hours later I replied a quick ‘thanks I appreciate that’. I’m finding it so hard not to tell him that I miss him dreadfully and want him back. What do I do?
Hi Sarah.
When he contacts you again, I suggest you tell him not to message you anymore.
You need to keep him at bay so that you can recover. And remember that if he wants you back, he will let you know.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi zan, my ex said he didnt know what he wants and that everything seems hard and complicated in his life and he doesmt know why he feels tired all the time and he needs to fix himself. He said this wasnt us but his life. I told him i can support him but he felt it wrong to keep me hanging on. He messaged me the day after askingbig i was ok. I told him it was painful. Messages continued almost as if we were together. I sent him a message saying ive thought about it and asim unsure of what it is he wants ie complete break up, space and if so how much to please not contact me. I said it sounded as though he needed space and he should take it. A week later i checked in on him to see if he was ok. He said he was happy to hear from me. We?’ve had casual messaging between each other for a week and yesterday he asked if iwas ok and we again had a general chat over messenger but nothing about us.
What should i do now? A few days ago he said i should watch a programme hes been watching. I tried and told him i couldn’t understand it. Then yesterday he said he was travelling to worj and asked if i could watch the programme for him. I replied that another series i enjoy has started upp again and said given i dont understand it it had no chance of trumping my programme (and posted a silly face). He said he coukd call me one day after ive sorted my washing and explain it ifi wanted. I replied he could try and then brought up aseries we used to watch together .
What should i do? This is hard for me…what do you think hes doing/thinking?
T
Hi Theodora.
I think your ex is unhappy with his life or perhaps even the relationship. That’s why you can’t do anything other than to remain your best self at all times.
Be playful, cheerful and the kind of person you’d want around yourself. If he realizes that you’re improving or still his best option, he might start feeling more toward you.
If he doesn’t however, it’s as he says. It’s not you, it’s him.
Kind regards,
Zan
My ex (dumper) reached out to me after 3 weeks and 1 day of no contact to tell me she is at the A&E because she has had an irregular heartbeat for the last month. She hasn’t told anyone, including her new boyfriend.
I’ve played the concerned friend and thats it. Told her I am here for her if she needs me and did not mention the break up at all. She told me her life is fine its just her health issues that have been pissing her off. She complained of heart palpitations during our break up. What is the meaning of all this?
Hi Junji.
It merely means that she’s dealing with some life issues and that she needs someone to confide in. That someone is you.
She now needs to learn to take care of herself so I don’t suggest you offer the best in the world.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi, My boyfriend and I broke up 3 weeks back and I started no contact. After 10 days he texted asking something random, to which I replied later. Then next day again he texted – seems you have found someone and moved on, m happy for you if you are happy. I replied him regarding the ignorance he was giving me since months and that am not going to settle for such behaviour. He said we’ll talk about it ,call me later. I didn’t call him. After this for 3-4 days he used to text me and we started little bit normal casual texting. But soon he again started acting cold. I initiated texts twice and he would just reply but nothing more. So in a way he is again behaving cold how he was before breakup. Its been a week now i didn’t text him again. Don’t know if I should text him again or just follow no contact again.
Hi PRA18.
You can’t text him again. He’s probably just testing the waters. Perhaps he’s curious if you’re dating anyone or to see how you’re doing.
Kind regards,
Zan
My ex broke up with me nearly 6 months ago because he was thinking about his ex, and we have been in a vicious cycle ever since. We spend time together like we are still a couple, but he is unable to commit to being in a relationship because he doesn’t trust me (I lied to him about something that happened after we broke up). Every month or so he tells me he doesn’t want to waste my time and we should say goodbye for good since he isn’t able to trust or forgive me. So we say goodbye, then a few hours later he will text me like everything is back to normal and the cycle repeats itself. 3 days ago, I decided enough was enough. I told him as much as I love talking to him, I’ve made it clear I want to be in a relationship with him and he’s expressed that he can’t get there with me, so I think it’s best we don’t continue talking. I received 7 texts the first day from him (ranging from funny to sad to mean), received one very nasty text yesterday, and then received an apology and “I miss you” text today. It’s only been 3 days… I don’t think that’s enough time to break no contact and respond to the “I miss you” text but I’m not really sure. It doesn’t seem long enough to have made enough of an impact, but we only dated for a few months and have spent more time broken up than we have officially together. Would love some thoughts on how and when to proceed. I miss him and would love to reconcile, but I don’t want to mess this up.
Hi Remi.
Since your ex is unsure about you, I suggest you stay in strict no contact as you’d intended.
When your ex messages you, I suggest you tell him firmly that you would like him to stop messaging you. Keep doing this for as long as it takes so that he can discern your real value.
Don’t give in!
Kind regards,
Zan
My girlfriend broke up with me two weeks ago after a series of arguments over the past few years. We are still in love but she has been pushed too far she said. After the break up for the first week i was heart broken, begging for forgiveness and promising change. After a drunken call from her at the weekend I thought i could convince her to take me back the next day. How ever in rushing to her it eventually ended in a break up but face to face. That night however we txt and ended on good terms basically because we work in the same place so we wanted to be able to not be awkward in work. I told her i hope she changes her mind and i still love her. So after 5 days of no contact she rings me again at 3am drunk. I replied the next morning more held back, askn was she ok. She again said she was sorry she just done it because she was drunk and she thinks she should block my number as it was leading me on. I said if that is what she had to do then its ok i i just want her to happy. Hours later she initiated contact again saying she wont be at my friends wedding and could i tell him. I left it a while and told her that was no bother i could tell him. Her last msg was “thankyou, I wont txt again.” I havnt replied and no further contact has happened. Im confused now on whether i should txt and say “Im still here for you, but im giving u the space u asked to figure this out” or should i i leave it as it is??
Dont dare send that text. She needs this space to figure out how she feels that she loves you. You cant force love or the love story. You have to have faith and believe that if you allow the story it to play out., it will be natural and you will be the man in her life again. If you show weakness, it could be a major setback and ruin the foundation you have built. Be strong , you can do it. You are in the driver’s seat. Just do get sloppy and drunk dial again. Good Luck. You got this.,
Thanks for the great advice, Kenny!
Best,
Zan
Hi John.
You should leave her for as long as it takes. She has to be the one to initiate contact with you again otherwise you will push her away for good.
Best of luck!
Zan
A lot has happened since this. My ex heard from a friend that i was thinking of moving to Australia, i did say this but only a possibility if it was too hard to stay here seeing her. She then txt me and told me i should because it what i wanted, its not. This happened last Wednesday and since then there has been txting her explaining why she can’t go back because of everything i have done, and i should have realised sooner. I kept saying how after the break im working on my insecurities and fixing issues that caused arguments in our relationship i.e money and Gambling. She still says its too late then says she needs more time and could be months and months. I fear the longer it goes i will lose her. So this weekend comes and i decide to go out with my mates, we go to a random bar and i come back from the toilet and there she is sitting there with her sister (who id delighted we are broke up & is trying to best to keep it that way) i tried to sit and talk but she did not want to, so i got up and left without making a scene. The next morning we txt again i apologized but told her it was just so unexpected and wanted to talk. She accepted this and even said she can see how iv changed as before i would have went mad at her not wanting to talk. So since that yesterday we txt for a while and she still says she needs tk be single for a while and she might never feel like she did before for me and i need to try and move on.. so i said i am gona basically do no contact as we both have failed miserably at it this last 3 weeks..i said she cant miss me yet cos we havnt gave her that chance and maybe we can talk in person in a few weeks, she replied saying she doesnt think that would be a good idea if her answer hasnt change. I left it as who knows what may change and if it isnt the same then itd be good to talk in person anyway. She agreed and we have stopped txting now…what do i do and how long do i wait now to make the next move? Help plz
Been on no contact for almost a month now and I feel great so far , I have my days but I push harder everyday, my BF cheated on me and decided it wise to leave the relationship after 5 years , was willing to give him and work on things but he decided he will
Never be happy ever again and that it’s gonna be too much work to try and fix things . I do love him till today. But am focusing mostly on myself for now . He is doing the contact too guess he was excepting me to beg him to stay which I didn’t. Decided that I will never contact him ever again, if he contact Me fair enough. We went through a lot together and I guess would still want to work things out in future maybe . If it’s meant to be.
Hi Irene.
Thanks for the comment.
You’ve got the right mindset. It’s up to him to make a move. He knows he’s messed up big time so staying in no contact indefinitely might eventually make him regret his actions.
Best of luck,
Zan
Very good explanation, sometimes I think that contact will never happen. xD
Hey Zan, hope you give me some life changing advise to help me pull myself together, ive been in a relationship with his girl for 3 years atleast 18 moths of that was the best we had chemistry was unlike I’ve experienced before the sex was extremely amazing we were like celebrities to outside world people we knew and people we didn’t, she had a child before I met her but this child’s father wasn’t around so i step up as that father figure in the last half things started to go downhill we argue for thing that didn’t matter sometimes she later got a new job and that’s when things was getting worste shes not very affectionate as she used to not emotionally supportive as she use to and i became very frustrated because not matter how i try to open up about how i feel emotionally why im feeling sad in turned into an argument she told me she was having thought about some guy at her job during this time she was pregnant with my baby she said her excuse is that i wasn’t available when she need me intimately bare in mind we’re always arguing she’s not willing to listen to me about how im feeling emotionally so i was depressed i had to struggle to get myself aroused for sex, most of the times she barely want sex alone time, she doesn’t even looked at me the sameway any more im now getting disrespected os very often when i decided to walk away she gets all nice, but the disrespect come soon after i found out that her first child’s father started coming around along with the guy at work has caused her to shut down all that she had for me though she 8months pregnant ive realized I’ll never be able to win her away from him, since she has been spending time with him and using the child to justify he’s asking her to run errands for him and got to it without hesitation or how i feel about it so i decided to walk away she’s threatened to keep my child away from me, but i did any i haven’t contacted her 2 weeks now, she text me this morning warning me not to ride my bike in the weather we’re having i didnt respond shortly after i got a call from a unknown number it was her say the same thing that i could get sick or injured so i shouldn’t ride today, how you think i should handle this please! I really love her but my cup has full and if its best to stay away i will.
I apologize for the the lengthy details but im desperate for some good avice. Much love and thanks.