Updated on July 31, 2025
Before we talk about what to do after no contact when your ex contacts you, we need to clarify something. There is no such thing as “after no contact.” As long as you want your ex back, there’s only no contact. You must continue to do no contact and allow yourself to heal. You must stay in indefinite no contact and give your ex additional space and time to remember your positive traits and realize your worth.
If you end the no contact rule after a certain number of days, usually 30, or start contacting your ex when your ex reaches out to check up on you, you end the no contact rule prematurely and settle, or try to settle for friendship. This makes you look extremely eager to reconnect and be with your ex.
Your ex, in turn, feels overwhelmed and loses attraction or perhaps even respect for you. This is especially true if you start sending nostalgic texts and trying to convince your ex to come back and invest.
As a dumpee, you mustn’t think that no contact is limited to certain days or your ex’s first text (breach of no contact). No contact ends only when your ex reaches out to apologize and get back together, or when you move on and become okay with friendship or any response from your ex, even a negative one. That’s when you can communicate with your ex again and see whether your ex wants friendship, occasional communication, or something else.
Don’t think you can reason with your ex just because your ex said “hi.” A simple greeting and a short conversation don’t indicate that your ex has processed the breakup completely and fallen back in love. You may badly want that to be the case, but your ex is probably just breadcrumbing you (contacting you to receive information, support, or forgiveness.
It’s hard to understand the dumper’s intentions when your ex doesn’t express them clearly and makes you anxious, but it’s unlikely that your ex has discovered your romantic value and wants you back. If your ex wanted you back, your ex would have initiated the reconciliation process.
This means your ex would have contacted you, apologized, expressed feelings and regrets, and invited you out or proposed getting back together. Under no circumstance would your ex have treated the reach-out as just a friendly conversation and completely avoided the topic of getting back together. Even the most passively regretful dumpers contact the dumpee, appear anxious and sad, and bring up reconciliation. They’re in pain and fear staying broken up (unhappy), so they do everything in their power to reconnect with the person who can ease their suffering.
So if your breakup wounds are still fresh and your ex showed no interest in getting back together, start by learning about the rules of no contact and the typical breakup mistakes you should avoid for your own good. These things will prevent you from assuming you need to take the initiative with your ex after 30, 45, 60, or 90 days of no contact and try to change the outcome.
They’ll prevent you from thinking you must impress your ex and make your ex want to be with you.
As a dumpee, remember that it’s not your responsibility to get on your ex’s good side. Your only job is to stay quiet and let the power of silence after the breakup do its magic. Silence will slowly heal your wounds, rebuild your confidence and self-esteem, and return your zest for life.
Of course, there’s no guarantee that your ex will want you back if you leave your ex alone and focus entirely on yourself. But what is certain is that your ex won’t find you attractive and want you back if you pester him or her with unsolicited texts and calls.
Your ex will find you annoying and incapable of moving on without him/her.
Every time you start a conversation with your ex on your terms and talk about things your ex couldn’t care less about, you smother your ex and show your ex you can’t live without him or her. That kind of desperation further decreases your ex’s interest in you and respect for you, and makes your ex do something that rejects you and prevents you from loving yourself.
Something like ignoring you, getting angry, acting cold, or cutting the conversation short and showing no interest in being with you.
So if you want to know what to do after no contact when your ex finally reaches out (not when you reach out), I strongly encourage you to observe your ex and see what your ex wants.
If your ex just wants to catch up and leave the conversation afterwards, your ex just wants to know how you’re coping with the breakup and if you have any hard feelings or regrets. Your ex might try to friendzone you and keep you in his or her life for selfish reasons.
But if your ex appears nervous and asks you out (or wants to ask you out), then your ex is likely in the regret stage of a breakup and wants to reconcile with you as soon as possible. The longer your ex stays away from you, the more hurt your ex gets and the more he or she understands the value you add to his or her life as a romantic partner.
When the dumper regrets breaking up with the dumpee, the dumper lets the dumpee know that. He or she verbally expresses regret or expresses regret in non-verbal ways. The dumper feels hurt and is in a hurry to reconnect with the person he or she loves.
In today’s post, we answer the question: What should you do after no contact when your ex messages you?
We also explain how to understand what your ex wants and how to respond appropriately.
What to do after no contact?
After no contact, you only have two options to choose from.
You can either talk to your ex and hope your ex has realized or soon realizes your romantic value, or go back to no contact and wait in it until your ex wants you back or you’re ready to be friends. What you should do after no contact depends on your detachment and your ex’s intentions.
If your ex wants you back, you can immediately discuss the lessons of the breakup and the terms and conditions of the new relationship. This includes everything your ex has learned since the breakup and what you expect from your ex to make the relationship work. If your ex truly regrets breaking up with you, your ex will happily oblige. He or she will begin working on him/herself and make the necessary changes.
Your ex won’t have much ego because pain, regret, and fear of breaking up and losing your love and support will remind your ex that you add a lot of value to his or her life. Your ex won’t risk losing the benefits you contribute to the relationship, so your ex will be more than happy to let you take charge and do what it takes to earn your trust and respect back.
If your ex doesn’t want you back, however, then you don’t have a choice but to go back to no contact. You must cut your ex off immediately and remember that your ex can’t make you happy as a friend. Friendship is dangerous for you as it hinders your detachment, self-love, and purpose outside of the relationship.
Talking to your ex as just a friend will overwhelm your anxious mind and make you wonder if your ex still has some love left for you. Such thoughts will disorientate you and destroy the progress you’ve made in no contact.
All the progress you’ve made will go to waste, as your ex will pull you back to the start of the breakup and make you relive the pain.
That’s why you must keep your ex at a safe distance until you’re certain your ex wants you back. You need to protect your wounded heart and remember that an ex who breadcrumbs you doesn’t know or care how you feel. Your ex just wants something from you. Whatever it is, it doesn’t interest you now that you’re putting yourself first and recovering emotionally.
Life’s too short to worry about the dumper and entertain his or her breadcrumbs. If the time after a breakup isn’t meant for prioritizing your health and well-being, then I don’t know when is. You must use this time to detach and figure out what went wrong. Things will start to make more sense the longer you maintain your distance and recognize your ex’s shortcomings.
Your ex may also try to be your friend or an occasional friend and guilt-trip you into settling for less than you deserve. By telling or showing you that he or she still cares about you, your ex will trigger your repressed feelings and make it difficult for you to understand whether he or she is trying to come back or is just being friendly.
If you’re not sure what your ex wants, you can always just ask your ex. Ask something like, “How come you reached out all of a sudden?” If your ex doesn’t use that opportunity to admit to wanting you back (not just missing you), your ex has no business speaking with you. He or she must be told to leave you alone and let you focus on yourself.
So forget about reeling your ex in and trying to win your ex back after no contact. Your top priority should be to figure out how your ex feels and what your ex wants. Once you’ve learned what your ex wants from you, you can then take appropriate action.
Appropriate action will allow you to minimize the amount of pain entering your system and encourage you to stay in control of your body and mind.
With that said, here are some things to do after no contact when your ex reaches out.
Ways an ex could contact you during no contact
An ex can reach out in many different ways, but from what I’ve seen, some types of reach-outs are more common than others.
The most common reachout is a simple “Hi” or “Hey, what’s up?” Dumpers prefer to use this simple approach to feel the waters. They want to first make sure that their ex respects them and wants to chat as much as they do.
When they see their ex is ready to engage in conversation, they then directly or indirectly try to get what they want or need from their ex.
If they’re looking for ways to stop feeling guilty, they don’t directly say they feel bad for hurting their ex. Most of the time, they try to make their ex feel better and appease their guilt in the process.
If they want their stuff back, they’re a bit more direct than that. They say they were hoping to get XYZ back and that it’s important to them.
And if they’re curious and want to catch up, they talk about things unrelated to the breakup.
Usually, they’re quite direct about wanting to reconcile with their ex as they’re in too much pain to stay quiet and hide their feelings. Hence, they get back with their ex soon or right after the first reach-out.
You need to know that your ex might express what he or she wants right away or converse with you for a while and only then ask for a favor. This depends on your ex’s intentions, how much time your ex has to spare, and how comfortable he or she is speaking with you.
If you’re still in no contact with your ex, I suggest that you remain vigilant for reach-outs (especially breadcrumbs) and bear in mind that your ex could contact you in ways that feel good but aren’t any good for your healing.
Your ex could break the no contact phase by saying:
- Hey
- I miss you
- How’s the dog?
- Are you seeing anyone?
- I like your pictures on FB/Tinder
- Are you busy?
- Is this a good time to talk?
- Did you pass your exams?
- I shouldn’t be reaching out, but I wanted to see how you were doing
Your ex could also send you pictures and quotes and reply to your stories. These may qualify as breaches of no contact, but they don’t imply that your ex is ready to be with you and that no contact is over. To make it simple, if your ex contacts you about anything other than reconciliation, it’s a meaningless message that doesn’t change anything for you.
It just gives you unnecessary hope, makes you obsessed, and prolongs your healing.
The only few things you should pay attention to are how your ex speaks to you, how your ex feels, and whether your ex is trying to gather the courage to invite you out/ask for another chance.
If your ex wants to date you again, you can be certain your ex will say it or show it. Your ex won’t string you along for days or weeks, like some dumpers do.
Only dumpers who desire non-romantic things and don’t want their ex back confuse their ex. Such exes mustn’t be allowed to keep reaching out over and over again. Dumpees must realize that their exes are reaching out for themselves and that entertaining them won’t give them the results they want.
It will only make them analyse their ex’s words and actions, increase their anxiety, and delay the time it takes to strengthen their self-love.
Always remember that dumpers usually reach out for themselves. They have no intention of getting back together, as their main goal is to learn what their ex is up to and how he or she is feeling. Their lack of romantic interest is obvious because they avoid talking about the relationship or the breakup.
How to talk to an ex who reached out?
Years ago, I used to think it mattered how long you waited to respond to your ex after he or she reached out. I believed that, as a dumpee, you were supposed to wait for hours before replying, as doing so would make you appear more secure and in control.
But now I see that you don’t need to wait that long. The reason for that is that if your ex is anxious and wants you back, delaying your response for hours or days won’t make a difference. It won’t make your ex love you or love you more, especially if your ex just wants to know how you’re doing.
Sure, it might make your ex check his or her phone a few times, but other than that, it won’t change the way your ex perceives you and feels about you.
Feelings can’t be manipulated simply by delaying a response. Your ex must develop them naturally through reflection and realization. That’s the only way your ex can grow respect and love for you and decide to want you back romantically.
So when your ex contacts you during or after no contact, know that a few minutes of waiting are enough for your ex to respect you. The real question is whether they’re enough for you. Can you collect your thoughts that quickly and say non-pressuring/desperate things?
If you can, feel free to respond to your ex.
Weed out unnecessary comments and jump straight to the “Why have you reached out” part. The quicker you ask your ex about his or her reasons for contacting you, the quicker you can figure out whether your ex’s reach-out is a breadcrumb or a means of getting back together.
While you’re learning about your ex’s intentions, know that you needn’t showcase all the changes and improvements. You’ll likely feel a strong need to demonstrate everything you’ve learned and accomplished as a result of the breakup, but know that your ex doesn’t care about that. If your ex has feelings and wants you back, your ex has already accepted your flaws.
Your improvements will make your future relationship better, but they don’t matter now that your ex is still your ex.
I know there’s a lot of conflicting information about what to do after no contact when your ex reaches out, but don’t do anything that shows you still want to reconcile. The dumper must see that your priorities have shifted and that you won’t beg for love.
Instead of begging, you should appear slightly disinterested in your ex and express the wish to end the conversation. If your ex has romantic feelings for you, he or she will reveal them to you before you get a chance to stop talking. I’m certain of that because your ex will fear losing you.
So forget about showcasing the new you or pretending to be someone you’re not. Not only does your ex not care, but your ex will see that you’re trying hard to impress. That will make it harder for your ex to feel love for you and invest emotionally.
I remember making the mistake of sounding too excited when I talked to my ex. It wasn’t a deal-breaker or anything, but it was unnecessary to show enthusiasm for someone who no longer had feelings for me. It took me a while to realize this, but when I did, I stopped trying to impress my ex and did what was best for my healing.
If you don’t want to converse with your ex and get strung along like I did, I encourage you to remain in control of your emotions when your ex reaches out. Do that by refusing to talk too much and act excited.
If possible, appear neutral, disinterested, and take control of the conversation.
As soon as your ex reaches out, ask your ex why he or she has reached out, and then either agree to meet up with your ex, don’t agree, or stop talking to your ex. Just don’t act like you’re super happy to hear from your ex and that you need him or her to survive.
Your ex will respect you and think about you more if you don’t chase attention and validation.
You might not hear from your ex for a while
Once your ex has texted or called, your ex might leave you alone for days, weeks, or months. I don’t have a crystal ball to predict what your ex will do or not do, but chances are your ex will bury the hatchet, relieve guilt, get comfortable, and focus on himself or herself again.
If that happens, your ex will no longer feel the need to converse with you (at least not for emotional reasons) and focus on him/herself. Your ex will probably forget about you for a while and make you wonder what the reach-out was all about.
An ex could later reach out due to curiosity or boredom. Curiosity and boredom drive dumpees to reach out, too, but for that to happen, dumpers must first deal with any lingering anger and resentment.
They must forgive their ex for making them feel hurt or uncomfortable and see the positives of reaching out.
So bear in mind that an ex who reaches out to you for the first time might not continue to stay in frequent touch with you. He or she might leave you alone for weeks, months, or perhaps even forever. It depends on whether your ex respects you, what your ex needs from you, and the lessons your ex learns without you.
If your ex is busy, dates someone else, and is happy, your ex probably won’t reflect and reach out. Your ex won’t see a reason to.
You need to keep your hopes low and remember that a single message from your ex doesn’t give you the green light to go back into full contact. You still need to protect your wounded heart and let your ex put in the effort.
“The effort” includes initiating contact, apologizing, promising meaningful changes, and showing you through actions that things will be different this time around.
Things to do after no contact
If you’re trying to learn what to do after no contact, first and foremost, start no contact again.
By going no contact, you’ll avoid pressuring your ex, protect your image, and let your ex continue to self-prioritize. It’s important not to act on fear and pain and try to make your ex come back by force. Your ex must come back on his or her own – when life gets difficult and triggers a powerful reflection.
No contact can help with that, as it can encourage your ex to reflect and redevelop love and commitment. While you’re waiting for your ex to fail and engage in meaningful reflection, you should work on your flaws, interests, self-love, and detachment.
Every dumpee has different shortcomings, interests, and ways to stay busy, but there are some things most dumpees could benefit from:
- engaging in the pursuit of old and new hobbies
- self-reflection and self-improvement
- spending time with friends and family
- going on vacation
- taking time off from dating
- volunteering
- reading
- journaling and therapy
- staying physically active
- forgiving the dumper
- and moving on
The time after the breakup is the most influential part of your life. If your breakup (a rejection) doesn’t give you the kick in the butt you badly need to make some healthy changes, nothing will. You’ll probably stay as you are and perhaps even blame others when things don’t go your way.
Hence, it’s important to stay busy and understand that nothing will motivate you more than a painful loss of confidence and self-esteem. At first, it will probably demotivate you. But when you realize you need to evolve to boost your chances with your ex and happiness in life, you’ll feel a strong desire or need to change your life for the better.
Improvements are needed for you to dissociate from your ex, let go of the past, and consider yourself a worthy individual, deserving of love and healthy relationships.
So instead of just waiting for your ex to have a change of heart, take back control of your life by investing in areas of your life that need the most work. If you do this right, you won’t desire your ex for long.
Soon, you’ll detach from your ex and realize that your life no longer revolves around your ex. It revolves around your goals, priorities, and the people who truly care about you.
Do you agree with what to do after no contact? What do you think you should do when your ex contacts you? Share your opinion below the post.
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My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
I actually did say gently that I need more consistency and contact to feel connected. He then sent me a strangely worded message saying he likes talking to me but he can’t give a deeper connection at least not now. He understands if I want more and doesn’t want to get in the way of me finding it. I asked him to clarify what exactly he’s looking for right now and he hasn’t replied. I think he will likely say he wants to be friends as that way I stay in his life but maybe won’t trigger him as much this way. Not sure if this is a good idea or not?
Hi A.
It’s good to know what he wants. But once he says he wants space or friendship, it’s time for you to back off and leave him alone for good. A guy who wants to be with you will consistently invest in you due a desire to impress you and fear of losing you.
Sincerely,
Zan
Yes I can see that now. Should I bother stating my needs/boundaries to see if he steps up? And then if he doesn’t cut him off?
Hi A.
If you give him an ultimatum, he probably won’t do what you want. So instead of giving him the ability to choose, simply tell him you’ve decided to prioritize yourself and that you need space. His response will tell you what you want to know.
Best regards,
Zan
Thank you. I am trying to just go with my intuition and no expectations. It’s hard not to compare to last time round but I think it’s a healthier pace and he’s self regulating better but has been putting in more effort in more meaningful ways – not over texting but calling me and talking for a long time on the phone and divulging derails about his past. He says he wants to see me again after each meet up as well (though I’ve had to be the one to confirm). I think my intuition was right about him not feeling enough reciprocation as he has told me he has trust issues due to his marriage but a slow burn is much better than what happened before
Hi A.
Do keep in mind that people tend not to come back slowly. Normally, they realize their ex’s value and come running back. So even though he wants to see you again, the problem is that he only wants to spend time with you. He doesn’t want to explore the relationship because he hasn’t processed his previous relationship yet.
He might come back, but it will be when he’s fully dealt with the past and become capable of putting more effort into the relationship with you. It’s not fair of him to string you along and make you think he’ll eventually want you back. Even if he eventually decides to be with you, it’s risky (not a guarantee).
Kind regards,
Zan
You’re right. This week I can see that he is quite avoidant after coming closer last week. I think his intentions are genuine but I doubted his readiness and this week confirms that he’s not. I think he came back prematurely possibly because he was worried about losing me but if our connection is genuine which I think it is, it will still be there later. I’m going to let things lie but if it comes to it, will communicate this to him.
Thanks for your perspective – I really appreciate it!
Hi A.
Keep your distance and let him do the necessary work. He needs to invest to appreciate you. As long as he’s wishy-washy, he doesn’t regret leaving. Full no contact is the best thing you can do until he puts in more effort.
Sincerely,
Zan
Can you clarify what you mean by “expected love”?
The problem last time round was that I let him do all the work as I was acting from a defensive place, waiting for proof that it was ok to let my walls down. I then realized that this didn’t give us enough foundation or trust in the relationship for him to want to continue while going through what he was going through and it wasn’t long enough a time hence the break up. I’ve been told I’m hard to read and I know I don’t show my interest well so I know that he might be reticent to keep investing not knowing how truly interested I am as I know many women are just merely responsive but it seems to me unless she shows very clear interest by giving direct efforts, men lose interest if merely just for self preservation
I could tell that he wasn’t sure what my reaction would be when he contacted me again or whether I’d want to see him again so this time I’m going to allow myself to be more open and operate from a place of trust and see what happens. I may be wrong but I won’t know otherwise
Hi A.
By “Expected love” I meant that he would have told you why he needed you to love him. Anxiety and romantic feelings would have forced him to be honest.
When he reaches out, you should avoid revealing how you feel and what you want. It’s important to remain mysterious and indifferent about the relationship. The relationship can start again when you both want each other strongly and for same or similar reasons. Right now, you don’t feel strongly, nor the same, so no contact is your only option.
Best regards,
Zan
Thanks for the reply!
That makes sense. We had a hit of a misunderstanding via text (another reason not to over text) and I made my stance clear again. But after this last trigger that I had I realized that I need to return to trusting myself and my intuition despite whatever selective advice Iisten to. The intent was a low pressure meet up I think to gauge how we feel and where we are currently in life
He still wanted to meet up for coffee which we did last night and it was a nice catch up. I can understand why he wanted to take a break previously based on what he told me. I think he is unsure of how I feel as I wasn’t clear as I wasn’t always behaving from a place of security the last time we dated.
We are going to keep in touch and if we do meet up again will discuss what we both want this time around as I will bring it up if he doesn’t. It does feel much healthier this time. We are both responsive but it doesn’t seem over the top this time.
I am keeping my standards high but have no expectations and will let things unfold naturally without any pressure and trust that whatever happens, I can handle it
Hi A.
Keep your hopes low. You want to focus on yourself rather than him. Let him put the work in if he wants to while you focus on detachment and healing. If he wants to be with you, he’ll show you how important you are to him and guide you back into the relationship.
Sincerely,
Zan
So I wrote to you a few times regarding dating the separated man who wasn’t ready for a relationship after pursuing me hard. Well after two months of no contact (and of course me beginning to enjoy being single and deciding to take a break from dating) he contacted me and in my birthday (which he didn’t mention so not sure if it was coincidental or not). I took a long time to reply as I didn’t know how to feel and wanted to only respond when in the right mindset. He seemed like he just wanted to check in – was in a better situation but not totally resolved in regards to his divorce. He left me on read but I figured that was it and went back to no contact. Two days later he replied and I’ve made sure to not prioritize my responses as we over texted before but he has been very responsive since then seemingly wanting to keep the convo going which I sort of did as well. He seemed to be testing the waters and then finally asked me out for coffee after a week. My intuition says he is genuine and is contacting me because he feels like he is in a better place but part of me (the insecure part) wonders if he just ran out of options or something along those lines. I don’t know that he is truly ready now as it hasn’t been that long and I’m now somewhat emotionally unavailable and also leery about his intentions and self awareness so I will meet up
and see if I even still feel the same way. If so, and he doesn’t bring it up, I will have to dig to find out why he’s back now and whether he’s truly ready as it will take some convincing for me to get into a relationship with him right now. He will have to be more than consistent and clear
Hi A.
If he realized your worth and was serious about getting back together, he would have shown you that. He would have explained why he reached out and expected love from you rather than making you guess. A regretful guy invests in you with the expectation of being invested in.
When he contacts you, you can just ask him why he contacted you. If he says he just wanted to check up on you, you can ask for space and continue your no contact journey. As long as he’s indecisive, he doens’t deserve your attention.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I contacted you a few months ago after my breakup and expressed how my ex came back to sleep with me then slept with a few other people and would periodically stop talking to me.
He decided to move to Australia this summer to snowboard and lived with me the month before he left again. It didn’t really go well there were too many resentments and he continued to make me feel lonely & not good enough. I expressed wanting to travel with him and he insisted on going alone.
Now we’re in two separate places and I can’t help but feel my life is lacking compared to his. I’m injured and he is out travelling the world and it makes me feel inadequate. He reached out to me sometimes but not with anything important.
How do I take the power back for myself knowing he is in another place? How do I deal with him reaching out when we can’t see each other anyways?
I feel very lost & it bothers me thinking of how many people he will sleep with while travelling.
Hi Jules.
You have to let your ex go. He doesn’t love you anymore, nor want to be with you. You can take back power by leaving him alone and eventually finding someone who values you and doesn’t string you along like this.
You deserve better.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi!
Sorry for my english, I hope I wont sound funny 🙂
So…my relationship was like “jo-jo”, breaking up, coming back. I know my ex has mental problems, it caused many problems in our relationship but also he loved me like noone before, sometimes I couldnt believe its possible to feel such a big love.
We broke up at the end of November, I would say he left me, but I was giving some signs of ending before.. He started rebound relationship really quick, with woman who wanted him so badly for many years. It was really painful seeing their “sweet pictures” etc… I didnt know about No contact rule yet, but I started it by the accident (it was first time during all these years we spent together when another woman appeard, it was so painful for me that I could only cut myself off from him). After few weeks of my silence he texted me, asking how was my trip (We supposed to go together) said he is sorry that everything turn to sh** and he still loves me… I answered but without emotions, just told him about my journey and wished him good day… then I received another message like “I would like us to be friends, as we went through so much together” and he said he cant forget me… I didnt answer and after few days there was another message with such a stupid words, like “my life doesnt have any sense without you and I want to kill myself”… honestly, I didnt know what shall I say so I didnt reply…Then all signs of his rebound dissapeard, all pictures, posts etc (He still has all our pictures tho… I didnt stalk him, friends and family are informing me, even if I told them I dont want to know about him, because it disturbs my healing process…) but he still didnt say what does he want from me and what is his plan about us… now he didnt send anything by week and I really dont know what to think. I dont want to give up so easy, as there is many things which need to be repaired and I feel that if I would start to talk to him we would back to the relationship without solving our problems I would miss the chance, and he wouldnt like to change anything… I am also worried that maybe I should text him or I will never hear from him anymore….uhhh…what to do.. not easy… please answer if you can…
Hi Em.
This relationship was difficult, and it’d keep being difficult if you went back to him. You have to remember that his rebound failed only because he wasn’t compatible with the new person. He probably showed her his true colors and got dumped, so he had no chance but to come back to you.
If you want to return to the old pattern of breaking up and getting back together, all you have to do is talk to him. But if you think you deserve more, stay in NC and work on yourself. Hopefully, he’ll do the same.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zen,
Just wanna say you had write a lot of great Articles which help Dumpee like me in a great deal.
recently I am being dumped second time by my ex who is unsure about our relationship after just 3 weeks getting back together.
first break up, I did exactly the mistake which most Dumpee do, beg and try to fix things which in the end didn’t last. I misread the tears during break up as he is not willing to let go but as what you said it is not.
after the reconciliation of our first break up, He did still talk to me about future, what should we do (without action) but always say unsure and in the end he just broke up again with me which said for our own good with bunch of excuse such it’s me not you, you are a great person bla bla bla.
Thankfully I found your blog and did a lot of reading cause a week after no contact he did message me saying regret for hurting me, saying my image keep on popping up in his mind, wish he could take my pain away, wish he could go back but scare to hurt me again and endless breadcrumb.
I am trying to be a more mature one and more civilize so I just told him that I am alright and I move on. I also wish him well.
In the end he showed me his selfish reason and admit my words help him to go over the guilt that he had
and he did occasionally miss my attention which he had been getting from me during our relationship (it is a wonderful feeling -_-“).
he also wish me to find someone who truly care for me.
honestly speaking if he want to relieve some guilt, I accept it and I willing to do that so he can move on but the part where he said he also did it cause miss my attention is making me angry as if how selfish this person can be.
Lesson learned and now I am just trying to make myself better from all the break up effect but I sincerely Thank you for all your articles which help me open my eyes to wake up and make it less difficult to recover
Hi Ana.
You gave this person a second chance. Since he wasted it, you should stay away from him. He occasionally feels guilty, but that’s not your problem. He isn’t helping you feel better, so you don’t need to be there for him so he can forgive himself. You need to focus on healing and let him deal with his problems alone a lot of the things he says are for him, not for you.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi,
My ex girlfriend broke up with me after 2 years of relationship. We were in long distance relationship and we used meet quite often..11 hours distance from my place. Unfortunately, because of my silly mistake which i did by unknowingly.. she broke up with me. next day i cried and asked for forgiveness. She accepted my apology but she’s didn’t want to continue this relationship and told to leave her alone. I went to NC immediately after that.. and..i decide to do NC for 60-90 days..She started to post pics.. doings stuffs etc and posted on her social media which i didn’t watch and ignored her completely…….after 38 days she texts me that she wants some money back which she gave few months back. Even i invested so much in this relationship to work gifts, visiting her etc but i didn’t demanded anything till now because i want her back. Today is 41st day of no contact and i didn’t replied to her till now. Please help me what should i do? what to reply to her? her text msg is still unseen.
Hi T123.
Tell her you’ll repay her any money that you owe her. She just wants to get the last few things from you before she leaves you alone. You shouldn’t do anything after that. No contact is all you can do as she’ll likely keep doing whatever she wants.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
My ex broke up with me 2 months ago and we’ve kind of stayed in touch. We were supposed to move to a different city together, and he broke up with me 2 weeks before our moving date and ended up moving by himself. I decided to move there 3 months later, which is going to happen 3 weeks from now. We stayed in touch and he told me he wanted to meet up when we’re both in the same city (in June) and I agreed to it. We continued exchanging some texts on and off, and I was mainly the one initiating it. After 10 days of no contact or so he reached out saying he’ll only be back mid-June, which pushes our meeting date even further. I got disappointed by this and we ended up talking on the phone about it. It was the first time talking to him on the phone since the breakup.
Since the breakup happened, he told me he hadn’t given up on us and thinks there may be a chance of us getting back together. However during our phone call he seemed more certain of the breakup and less optimistic of getting back together. Yet he still wants to see me and spend time with me to see how we feel.
He did tell me that he doesn’t want to date me, he wants a relationship or the breakup. And that makes sense to me. We decided to stay in touch until we can see each other, which was my idea. But he hasn’t been super responsive or eager to text me. Now I fear that I’m back to chasing him and I don’t want this to happen.
I’m not sure I want to go back to no contact because I suggested staying in touch and he agreed to it. What’s the best thing for me to do going forward?
Follow-up:
He’s actually being kind of weird. He texts me in a tone that is different – he sounds almost dismissive and like he doesn’t really respect me. He makes jokes that are somewhat mocking towards me. He wasn’t like this before. He used to be very sweet.
I offered to stay in touch so we could work on our friendship until we see each other again next month. Since lack of a close friendship was one of the main reasons he broke up with me. And now I feel like he treats me like one of his buddies. I think I shouldn’t have offered to stay friends.
Shall I just go no contact again? He hasn’t been very proactive anyway.
Hi E.
The best thing for you to do is to tell him you thought that staying in touch would work but that it doesn’t because you’re not ready. You have to remember that if he wanted you back, he would have shown you that already. A guy who wants you back won’t string you along and give you unclear answers.
You have to be brave right now and cut him off. He’ll come back to you if he wants to. If not, you’ll heal and move on.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi,
So my ex and I broke up a few months ago (her idea). She wanted to be friends so I entertained the idea (bad move, I know) and then about 2 weeks ago I asked if she wanted to get back together. She said it was bad timing, doesn’t see us getting back together, I’m not going to change blah blah blah, but she still really wants me in her life because she values me as a person. I told her I’d be a fool to cut her out but right now I need to focus on me. So I’ve been focusing on my new job, working out, eating healthier, reading more, and working on my problems more for myself instead of her. Yesterday she reached out with an inside joke of ours she saw in a show and asked if I was watching. I waited a few hours and gave a short funny reply where I said I haven’t had a chance because I’ve been reading at night after work instead of watching TV. Am I doing the Right thing? Is NC working?
Hi,
went into NC for 30 days but was enjoying my growth so much I thought I would go longer. Day 41 he messages:
Hi (my name)
How are you?
Hope you have managed to keep busy during lockdown.
I haven’t had a lot to do as business has been shut down.
Do you want to meet for a chat when we come out of lockdown.
Have a good (kiss emoji) (wink emoji)
How do I proceed, should I meet him and/or how do I build rapport fro this message?
Freaking out/feeling anxious again about the unknown and worried it’s more bad news after all my healing, I’m not sure I want to backwards again.
What could he possibly want to ‘chat’ about?
NC is way easier than this step hahaha
Appreciate your advice.
Thanks,
Ms Freaking out.
Hi Freaking out.
I’m not sure your ex wants to meet up for the right reasons. You should ask your ex what the purpose of meeting up is and respond accordingly. If it’s to catch up as buddies, forget it. You were doing so well in no contact and he has no right to disturb your healing. But if it’s to get back together, then see if he’s serious about you.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan, Thanks for your reply..I really appreciate it.
When you say not the reasons, from this brief snippet what do you believe the reason may be?
Not sure how to ask what he wants without coming across desperate to know.
Thanks for your advice,
Freaking out 🙂
Hi Freaking Out.
He’s probably a bit curious about you because you haven’t been in contact. I can’t say what he wants. You’ll have to find out. So don’t worry about how you come across and just ask him. You won’t be desperate because you’ll be putting yourself first.
Best regards,
Zan
Thank you for this article! My ex has been reaching out a lot lately-Facebook, snap and now by text and your article explained a lot. I think I’ve done really well handling it after reading this. We split on really good terms so I’m hoping she will realize what we had. She has been hurt by almost every guy she’s ever been with and I’m pretty sure I overwhelmed her with how much I cared and appreciated her. She would say I tell her things no one has ever said to her before. It was hard for me at first because everything was going great. Then after spending a day at the beach with her kids and my son she freaked out. We all got along so great and it was easy and care free. I do realize now I was too nice and gave way too much which took me out of being masculine to her. Any help would be greatly appreciated!
Hi William.
It’s not that you weren’t masculine. You just came on too strongly because she has trust issues and fears. If she didn’t have them, she’d perceive your openness and readiness to bond in a better way.
If she doesn’t show any interest, you’ll have to cut her off, William. It won’t be easy, but you deserve more than she can give at the moment. She has to overcome her emotional problems and learn to relax and trust people again.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi,
Thank you for all these articles, they have proven a great help to help me deal with my own break up so thank you very much for writing them.
I had no choice but to break with my ex because even though our early relationship was loving and caring, we had then entered a sort of situationship that was kind of toxic (I think we were both emotionally unavailable, but I was willing to work on our issues while he gave up + he is avoidant). The routine initiated by the pandemic didn,’t help at all and I really believe the timing was bad as we were both at a crossroads of our individual lives. Anyway, I called it off because it was too hurtful, and two weeks later he came back to me. We kept it cordial at first but soon our chemistry was back and we were chatting, and flirting. We even met and everything was great and loving, keeping it slow and everything. Everything was doing well, he offered that we met again but I couldn’t (for real aha + I thought “it’s great anyway, that will show I’m not that available and that we can take it slow”). Anyway, flashforward one month later when he suddenly told me he was seeing someone else, that things were “going quite well”, and that he basically wanted to give it a chance (that’s what I figured anyway). Which pissed me off and hurt me because I had manage to leave the relationship on a clean break up (hard and heartbreaking, but clean), only to let him return, and see myself becoming an option two months later… I know we were not supposed to expect anything from each other, but I still feel deeply hurt and betrayed. This time it feels like we have become strangers to each others and that something really “broke”, unless the first break up was more a mutual agreement that something was off, and that we would maybe meet again later on. I needed time to process and after two weeks, I realized it was unfair of me to not say goodbye, and I sent one “final” text telling him “I had been hurt, but that it was okay, that I had not been expecting anything from him but that I just thought we would have more time, take care”. I still care about him, and I still want him back because I truly believe we are well suited for each other, and that the timing was just off. I’m afraid he will just move on because that what he does. Even if he is hurt, because he is so convinced that he is better off alone and that people will abandon him or rely too much on him that he self-sabotage and keeps moving on. It especially kills me to know he is with someone else.
Anyway, if anyone would like to share ay insight I would be greateful to hear them.
(Sorry if my english isn’t good as it isn’t my native language)
Thank you and good luck to all of you
Hi Mon.
You have to understand something very important. Your relationship wasn’t very strong from the beginning. But because you went ahead and broke up with your ex, you made it even less strong. You convinced your ex that the relationship wasn’t good and forced him to detach.
So even though he came back, he wasn’t back 100%. It may have seemed that way to you, but the separation caused him a lot of doubts.
Now that he’s with someone else, you’ve got to let him be. He’s decided to be with that person, so let them figure things out on their own. Don’t text them. If they’re meant to be, they will be. But if they’re not, he might come back again again.
Hang in there!
Zan
I was together for 7 years and engaged for 2 to a girl who broke up with me and moved to her home country, she said we’ve been fighting a lot recently and the issues in my family were too much.
After a month of no contact she reached out to ask me how I’m doing. I waited a few hours and googled what to say. I replied with “I’m doing the best I can, how are you” she replied with the same. We ended up on the phone but it was clear she didn’t want to get back together. I said maybe I could visit her one day in her country. She said shed like that. She also said her mom asked for some stuff back, which I shipped.
I kept up no contact and she reached out once in a while and saying she can pay for shipping for the rest of books. Complimenting my work on Instagram.
At some point (the day before our anniversary) she posted a picture of her on a date (couldn’t see faces, Instagram story). This is the first time I broke no contact and a few days later told her how much the shipping would be for her books and asked her how her date went and if this is weird now that were seeing other people (she asked if i was dating, which i was). She said it was a bit weird. She also said “it was especially weird yesterday, or did you forget it would be our anniversary?”
Anyway, this led into a video call which felt like reconciling. We caught up and discussed the issues we’ve had in the relationship and how were both seeing therapists (she has moments of depression, I’m insecure and a bit bipolar). After that we talked for hours and really connected. I said how I’m ok to be friends now but I wont reach out to her.
After that she reached out to me every day for 2 weeks. Bringing up random talking points like covid and the US election.
At some point she lost her job and did another video call with me. This was a bit shorter because my roommate was in the room and it was a bit awkward.
Contact dwindled a bit after that, until I reached out on a Saturday night when I saw she was still online very late and asked her “still online?”. We had a little back and forth but nothing special. A week later we’re talking again and at some point she says “Can I say something emotionally difficult?” I respond by asking if she fell in love with someone (we agreed that if we fell in love with someone else we need to be delicate about that). She responded by saying “Fuck. No. Jesus.”. She confessed how she missed me and how she missed the relationship when it was good and how she wish she met me later in life when she knew more about love and life in general.
We connected over that for a bit, I told her “I feel the same way” and said how we are the people we are now because we met and grew each other. And we had a strong relationship because it lasted so long. She agreed. I asked her “that’s it then?” She said “yeah”. She was grieving and wanted to express her feelings (Which she had problems with).
Fast forward a few days and she goes silent again for a bit. Until she says how she tried bumble but cant find anyone and how she broke up with the guy she was seeing. He wanted to get married and kids and she clearly stated that that’s now what she wants. I ask her if she’s going back to tinder then and she says “I think I’m done for a while”. I’m cherry picking conversations that stand out to me but its all just a haze of friendship and still connecting and being friendly and nice to each other and clearly missing each other, but not really getting back together.
After that I don’t hear from her for 2 weeks until the Holidays. She wishes me a merry Christmas and asked me what i did and i do the same. After that another days of silence, until she drops in a stream while I’m drawing with facecam. She compliments my hair cut and says she missed watching me work. I respond with a dumb emoji because I don’t know how to react.
Few days later I get a “Happy New Year!”, where she asked what I did and I do the same, this is where she mentions she’s seeing someone.
2 weeks later I get a “Happy Birthday! Have a good one!”. I respond with thanks and show her a picture of the cake I got. This led into some small talk. The next day she asks how the party went. I respond, again small talk.
Few days later I reach out for the inauguration (were both very happy trump left the white house). That’s all the interaction we’ve had with each other. But while all this, she still likes (almost) all my posts on Instagram. Sometimes she’s even the first.
I’m again in no contact and trying to get over her. I meditate. Exercise. Starting my own online shop with comics. I go on dates and meet people but everyday I want to tell her I want to try again and this friendship thing isn’t working out for me.
HI @Kp13
I just got my ex back recently after using no contact.
My ex was also nice and friendly to me and we had good conversations but at the end of the day he reiterated to me that he wasn’t sure/ didnt want to come back.
So, that actually annoyed me because that approach over time only gives you anxiety. If they are on friendly terms with you and reach out it’s because they are easing their anxiety, their guilt. They are not aware of the pain you are going through or how it hurts you to hear from them and then not.
So I told my ex after that conversation, i dont think any of my words will make a difference, good luck with your next gf hope she ticks all your perfect boxes in the perfect order, im done, leave me alone. (this was after going through lots of anxiety about dealing with his indecisiveness about me, that I just gave up and decided I wasnt going to stick around I would move on mentally and emotionally and not be adversely affected by someone’s indecisiveness).
After two days no contact from this, we met in person because he had a reason to see me in person and he said we could try again because i was the best gf hes ever had.
Hi! I just want to ask for your suggestion because my ex reached out to me 9 days into NC. I made the mistake of replying right away. He was saying he misses me and hopes I am ok. He asked how Im doing and I told him how things are going in my life. I got a promotion, about to start a jewelry business too, and that I got myself a new hobby. We had a fun conversation and he told me he thinks he still loves me but I think he is undecided. I made it clear to him that I am not expecting anything from him, I am ok with my life without him. I am just anxious right now if I made myself look too much within his reach when I replied right away on his text? How do I regain the upper hand on this one? What should I do? Do I go NC again?