The Illusion Of Action After The Breakup

Dumpees who feel abandoned and anxious are often in the belief that they must do something to win their ex back.

They think they must jump through a bunch of hoops to show they’re the right person for their detached and disinterested ex.

What they don’t know is that their ideas stem from pain, insecurities, and a sense of urgency and that they lack the power to influence their breakup-determined ex.

The thinking that they can and must act before it’s too late, of course, only exists in their mind. They don’t want to lose their ex (especially to someone else), so they search for ways to prevent their ex from moving on and being happy.

They do that despite knowing that their ex has lost feelings for them and doesn’t deserve them anymore.

Rationally, they know they should forget about their ex and enjoy their single life, but because emotions of rejection flood their rational thinking, they prioritize their feelings over their logic. They laser focus on the person who no longer wants them.

Pain essentially takes control of their thoughts and actions and makes them want to do something/anything to get another chance with their ex.

Some dumpees feel so devastated by the breakup that they even become okay with their ex dating someone else and coming back after he or she has broken up with that person. They’re so desperate they would do and tolerate almost anything just to feel validated again.

Dumpees in general don’t want to sit and wait for their ex to return to them. They badly lack control and power, so they’re willing to “fight” for what they believe in.

And because they’re willing to fight, they often search for hope in ex-back articles and videos and gaslight themselves into thinking they can change their ex’s mind if they just find the right approach and do what their ex wants them to do.

They don’t understand that they can no longer encourage their ex to see things from their perspective and care about them romantically.

That’s why they tell themselves lies such as, “My ex couldn’t have fallen out of love with me so quickly. I might get another chance if I play my cards right.”

Although some dumpees do get another chance at the relationship, they don’t get it by begging and pleading. They get their ex back by giving their ex enough space to fail in life because that’s when their ex feels the desire and need to come back.

Therefore, the notion that dumpees can be with their ex if they say or do the right things is nothing but an illusion. It’s a belief dumpees adopt to ease separation anxiety and regain their lost control.

The problem with believing that reconciliation depends on their choices and actions rather than their ex is that it often gives them loads of false hope (falsely empowers them) and makes them crave their ex longer than dumpees who treat the breakup as a permanent end of the relationship.

Those who accept their powerlessness early on recover quicker as they stop entertaining self-sabotaging ideas that make them more anxious and depressed in the long run.

So keep in mind that many dumpees have what coaches at Magnet or Success refer to as an illusion of action. They believe they know their ex better than psychologists and mentors and that they might be able to rationalize with their ex.

Such dumpees typically lack breakup knowledge and the emotional strength to resist pain and temptations.
They prefer actions over inactions, hence they prioritize quick, impulsive decisions over premeditated, long, and uncertain paths.

They basically try to make their ex feel something for them by presenting themselves as understanding and giving individuals.

Little do they know that their ex doesn’t care about their nice behavior and gestures anymore and that any attempts to make their ex feel love will cause more harm than good.

Unsolicited attempts will guilt-trip and suffocate their ex and make their ex more determined to stay away from them.

In this post, we discuss what makes dumpees experience the illusion of action.

Get the idea that you must do something out of your head!

I’ve talked to hundreds and hundreds of dumpees who wanted to or tried to “win their ex back.”

Many reached out to their ex (broke no contact) and pretended they were over the breakup. Some posted provocative comments and pictures on social media and tried to incite jealousy.

Some sent flowers and gifts to their ex. Some threatened their ex with eviction. Some complimented their ex and invited their ex out. And some showed up unannounced, invaded their ex’s privacy, and refused to leave.

Most dumpees I talked to had the idea that if they just showed enough care, affection, or change their ex would find it in his or her heart to forgive them and recommit to the relationship.

They all had the same end goal (to retract their ex), but unfortunately, they lacked the basic understanding of breakups (which is that you can’t force an ex to love you).

You can influence and even manipulate your partner (someone who loves you and is attached), but nice gestures and manipulation techniques don’t work on a detached person. Most of the time, they backfire as they reveal the dumpee’s deception and desperation.

So you can tell yourself that your ex still loves you but is afraid of trusting you. Or (a much better idea), you stop telling yourself things you want to hear and understand that many times people fall out of love just as quickly as they fall in love.

Love is nothing but an appreciation for their partner (gratitude) and an emotional attachment (commitment).
If thoughts and perceptions of the relationship are healthy, the relationship is healthy and thriving.

The relationship can overcome occasional stressors, doubts, miscommunication/arguments, and minor mistakes. It may not, however, survive cheating, abuse, lying, and other relationship-destructive behaviors.

For the relationship to work, you and your partner must be developed and equally invested otherwise there’s a big chance you’ll disconnect emotionally and physically when things go awry.

And things always go awry. Every relationship goes through various trials that push couples to their limits. It’s only a matter of time before their maturity and commitment are put to the test.

So keep in mind that perfect relationships don’t exist. You may think your relationship was perfect, but if it were you wouldn’t have disagreed on anything and broken up. You’d have worked through the issue or issues and gotten stronger as a result.

The key to staying in a long-term relationship is to get to know yourself and reach an acceptable level of maturity before you get involved with someone else.

When you truly understand who you are, you can then make the necessary changes and improvements to control your thoughts and emotions necessary for maintaining the relationship and steering it in the right direction.

Sure, you can grow with your partner as well, but if you’re not ready for it, you’ll probably stagnate and bring out the worst in your partner.

Anyway, breakups aren’t relationships. Whether you make 1 big improvement or hundreds of changes to your life and behavior, it’s unlikely they’ll be enough to change your ex’s perception and feelings for you.

That’s because your ex’s love for you doesn’t depend on the person you are or will become but on the person you were in the past.

If your actions, inactions, or presence made your ex feel a certain way or if your ex simply stopped investing in the relationship and lost interest, your personal growth won’t incentivize your ex to reflect and come back. I’m sorry to say that it won’t be enough to change your ex’s thinking.

If your ex is a decent person, it will probably just make your ex feel proud of you.

To come back, your ex needs the opposite of what you’re willing to do to save the relationship. Your ex needs to see that you respect yourself and his or her thought-out decision.

It wasn’t easy for your ex to leave (conscience-wise), so you shouldn’t try to make it look easy either. You should keep in mind that your ex has suffered before, during, and after the breakup and that a lack of consideration for your ex’s feelings could result in unwanted results.

Unwanted results include seeing your ex angry, bitter, and unreceptive.

I know you want your ex back more than anything. I used to want my ex back too when I got dumped. Pain transformed me into a validation-hungry junkie.

But know that you can’t reverse a breakup when your ex is emotionally detached and thinks you’re to blame and/or that the relationship doesn’t make him or her happy.

What you need to understand is that your ex has crafted a negative image of you. This image is reinforced by negative beliefs and emotions that he or she must abolish on his or her own.

That’s the only way your ex will learn to value you and feel a desire for love and affection from you.

Many dumpees tell themselves things that make them feel in control of the breakup. They say things like, “I need to do something. I have to say something. I can’t just wait and let my ex move on and get married to someone else. If I want my ex back, I have to act now.”

Such thoughts give them immense anxiety which is the catalyst for the illusion of action – the belief that they can and must regain control of their ex’s thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Sadly, this is exactly what deceptive breakup coaches want them to think. They want them to feel a sense of power and urgency and, of course, that they need their help to be with the person who abandoned them.

Coaches like that prey on vulnerable dumpees blinded by the illusion of action as such dumpees are prepared to do anything to get a second chance with their ex.

They’re in immense pain, so they’re especially open to quick fixes. A reconciliation with their ex would immediately eliminate their pain by making them feel validated and secure.

That’s why so many dumpees fall for text your ex-back techniques, limited (30-day) no contact rules, and ex-back spells. Deceptive plans by money-driven, result-promising gurus look extremely tempting to them, so they open their wallets and purchase their services.

It doesn’t take them long to realize that they bought empty promises and that their chances of reconciliation have decreased because of bad advice.

Fortunately, the majority of dumpees eventually learn they can’t coerce or coax their ex into being with them. They learn this when they detach from their ex and let go of the idea that the fate of their broken relationship depends on their ability to justify their behavior and attitude.

When dumpees emotionally distance themselves from their ex, they normally gain a healthier perspective on their dead relationship and see that nothing they say or do can recreate the spark necessary for the romantic relationship to restart.

When they emotionally comprehend this, they finally mentally and emotionally accept the unwanted situation and follow the rules of no contact.

Always remember it has to be the dumper’s idea to give the relationship another go. And the dumper can give it another go only when he or she lets go of the past and acknowledges the dumpee’s romantic worth.

This tends to happen when the dumper explores his or her post-breakup life, fails miserably, becomes miserable, and thinks about the dumpee in such a way that feelings of love return.

The dumpee can’t force the dumper to have this kind of realization because the dumper needs to experience pain and regret outside of the breakup.

Only things and people unrelated to the dumpee can change the dumper’s perception of the dumpee and let the dumper crave the dumpee romantically.

So try not to worry about presenting yourself as a perfect individual to your ex. As long as you’re staying in indefinite no contact, you’re giving your ex enough space to think, feel, and do what he or she wants.

And look, there’s no guarantee that your ex will undergo something painful and engage in introspection that leads to reconciliation. But if he or she does, it will happen without your presence and awareness.

You’ll have no control over the situation whatsoever because it will have nothing to do with you.

That being said, here’s what causes the illusion of action in dumpees.

If you’re struggling with the consequences of breaking up with your ex, my advice is to work on letting go of control. Remember that power is something your ex deprived you of by leaving you and that you must regain it by loving yourself rather than getting back with your ex.

Despite wanting to feel in control super badly, you shouldn’t try to obtain it directly with your ex. You should instead acknowledge that you’re dealing with an illusion of power and that it’s normal to feel the need to try everything to be with your ex again.

When you feel compelled to take action

When you feel the need to do something, you obviously shouldn’t act on that urge. You should instead force yourself to stop thinking of the breakup as something you must control. Talk to friends and family if you must; as long as you let go of the idea that you must “win your ex back” or “get your ex back.”

The only person who should be getting someone back is your ex. He or she was the one who left, so naturally, your ex must come back to you (not vice versa).

You shouldn’t take the initiative, put yourself in a position of weakness, and try to reel your ex back in.
If you do that, you’ll repulse your ex and feel even more unloved as a result.

The illusion of power is something completely normal. All rejected dumpees feel the need to prove their worth and commitment to their ex.

I wanted to prove my loyalty to my ex too. But when I healed a bit and regained emotional stability, my mentality changed, allowing me to realize there was no relationship left to fight for.

My ex threw it away long before she officially ended things with me.

You can adopt the same belief as me. You just need to be strong and believe in common sense. Post-breakup anxiety will give you a break when you fully accept the breakup and fall back in love with yourself.

That’s when life will get much easier. So much so that you’ll regain your enthusiasm and once again focus on things that give you purpose.

For now, try not to worry about the future too much. Take it one day at a time and ignore your inner demons that tell you to act before it’s too late. Remember that your ex can’t leave you again or more than he or she already has.

Things can’t get any worse—and can only get better.

But if you ignore this advice and make breakup mistakes, do know that your ex could react angrily/coldly and make you wish you hadn’t acted on impulse. Your ex could hurt you so much that you fall into depression.

If you don’t want that to happen, tell yourself it’s okay to feel hurt and think about ways to reconnect with your dumper ex. It’s not, however, okay to act on your compulsions and do things your ex doesn’t want you to do.

Desperation hasn’t brought any exes back. It just hurt both parties and made the reconciliation impossible.

That’s why I urge you to familiarize yourself with breakup dynamics described in my book (Understanding Breakup Dynamics) and find ways to distract yourself when you’re in pain and want to contact your ex.

A good way to keep yourself busy is to stay social. Surround yourself with supportive people and do productive things. The more you do this, the better you’ll feel and the smaller your desire to control things will be.

Do you agree that the need to do something about the breakup is caused by the shock from the breakup? How do/did you resist the temptation to change your ex’s mind? Comment below and let us know.

And if you’re looking for 1-on-1 coaching with us, subscribe to breakup coaching to get in touch.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.