Is My Ex Testing Me By Ignoring Me?

If your ex (recently) left the relationship and isn’t responding to your texts, calls, or in-person communication, your ex probably isn’t testing you.

Your ex is keeping you at a safe distance because doing so makes your ex feel free and relieved.

It gives your ex enough space to self-prioritize and feel in control of his or her post-breakup decisions and feelings.

If your ex wanted to test your patience, love, personal growth, or desire to reconnect, your ex would have done so by communicating with you.

Your ex would have asked you what you were up to since the breakup and directly or indirectly tried to figure out if you still felt anything for him or her.

His or her goal would have been to get some kind of a response from you.

Your response would let him or her know if you’re desperate for love or if you’ve learned/improved and become the person he or she wanted you to be all along.

You must understand that most dumpers don’t test their exes. They don’t need to because every fiber in their body tells them to avoid their ex and focus on things and people who make them feel good.

Their dumpee ex doesn’t concern them very much because they associate negative beliefs and feelings with their ex.

Those beliefs and feelings make them interested in themselves and disinterested in their ex.

Although dumpers may occasionally be curious about their ex, they certainly don’t feel the need to test their ex and feel empowered by their ex. They already have enough power and don’t want more. That’s what dumpees want as they’re the ones who feel rejected and unwanted.

Dumpees often think their ex is mistreating them to boost their ego and feel superior to their ex, but this is seldom the case.

Most of the time, dumpers are mean solely because of their character (moral and ethical qualities) and because the situation allows them to be.

The breakup puts them in a position of power and total control and enables them to treat their ex worse than a stranger.

The breakup merely brings out the worst in dumpers. It doesn’t change them into people they aren’t.

What you need to understand is that dumpers are over their ex the moment they initiate the breakup. If they’re emotionally healthy, they can’t possibly care less about what their ex thinks and feels.

They’re just glad to be out of the relationship for good.

I know this is hard to hear, but it’s true. They’re happy as long as they’re allowed to focus on themselves and do what they want.

Dumpers who do test their ex usually do so because they feel guilty and want to stop feeling responsible. They test their ex not for their ex but for themselves to forgive themselves for inconveniencing and hurting their ex.

However, as soon as they see that their ex is okay or that their ex is vengeful, they convince themselves that dumping their ex was necessary and that they’re not bad people for abandoning the relationship and pursuing their dreams and happiness.

In their mind, they had no choice but to walk away and focus on themselves and those who make them feel positive feelings.

This is especially true for dumpers who cheat on their ex. Such dumpers often tell themselves and others that they weren’t happy in the relationship with their ex and that their relationship was going to end regardless of whether they got involved with another person.

However, if they don’t fully believe the story they tell themselves, they may reach out to their ex to see what their ex thinks about them. If their ex is clueless about their cheating or doesn’t say anything about it, they simply move on with a clear conscience.

They don’t wait because they’re able to forgive themselves for leaving their ex.

But if their ex gives them a hard time, they usually tell themselves they’re the victims and that they have the right to be angry with their ex. This justifies their breakup and post-breakup behavior and helps them sleep at night.

So if you want to know if your ex is testing you by ignoring you with the intention to come back, bear in mind that it’s highly unlikely.

It’s much more likely that your ex is ignoring you because your behavior and actions guilt-trip, annoy, or smother your ex.

Your unsolicited reach-outs make your ex feel so uncomfortable that your ex chooses not to respond at all. That’s not a form of testing you but avoiding you. It’s staying away from you to avoid worrying about your wants, needs, and expectations.

Yes, sometimes dumpers ignore their ex to deliberately hurt their ex and make their ex into a person they want him or her to be, but only immature dumpers do that.

Underdeveloped dumpers want their ex to feel how they feel so they can get revenge or make their ex apologize and beg for their forgiveness and love.

But even such dumpers eventually stop holding onto power and come back. All dumpees need to do is stop putting themselves in a situation where their ex can ignore them.

They must avoid reaching out to their devious ex so their ex slowly loses his or her sense of control and becomes afraid of permanently losing the relationship.

Needless to say, a manipulative relationship like that isn’t very healthy and won’t last forever. If you find yourself in a destructive relationship, you should leave before you develop a codependent bond and experience a painful separation.

The sooner you get out of it, the sooner you’ll outgrow it and realize you needed to break free to be happy.

In this post, we discuss whether your ex is testing you by ignoring you. We also talk about ways in which dumpers test their exes and how dumpees can protect themselves from false hope, desperation, and pain.

Is my ex testing me by ignoring me?

Before we go into the details about whether your ex is testing you by ignoring you, we need to discuss who’s reaching out to whom.

If you’re reaching out to your ex and your ex doesn’t utter a word, your ex is obviously ignoring you because he or she assumes it’s fair and important to ignore you.

Your ex wants you to understand that communication is out of the question and that you should respect him or her as well as yourself.

However, if your ex is reaching out to you and/or responding to your reach-outs and then ignoring you, then it’s probably safe to assume that your ex is testing or using you.

Either way, he or she is trying to bring a reaction out of you to see how you think and feel about the breakup.

Your reaction or response tells your ex what to think, feel, and do.

If you react strongly/emotionally, your ex sees that you’re still attached and not ready to be friends. Your emotions overwhelm your ex and give your ex an excuse to prioritize his or her emotional well-being.

If you react angrily, your ex sees that you feel victimized and that you’re okay with hurting your ex back. In turn, your ex feels compelled to fight you or avoid you, depending on what your ex is like.

And if you act cold, you send the message that you’re not happy with your ex’s decision and that you’re trying to protect yourself from getting hurt again. Cold behavior can be perceived as mean and shows you’re sulking over the breakup.

You need to remember that dumpers don’t think highly of negative behavior. The only behavior that makes them respect their ex and curious about their ex is positive behavior. And positive behavior is any behavior that shows confidence, courage, high self-esteem, self-reliability, and the strength to move on and be happy.

So if you’re not over your ex and want your ex to come back, know that you won’t achieve that by communicating with your ex and making your ex ignore you. On the contrary, communication will let your ex see you’re highly dependent on his or her recognition, which will, in turn, decrease your ex’s respect and romantic interest in you.

Always remember that dumpers respect and desire dumpees who know their worth and act confidently. They don’t come back just because of that, of course, but this is often one of the requisites for coming back. If dumpers sense desperation, anxiety, depression, or codependence, they don’t come back or they leave shortly after returning.

They simply don’t feel the need to reinvest in a person who isn’t on the same level as them or who can’t help them. Therefore, to re-attract and stay with an ex, you have to be detached and emotionally stable. It’s how you attracted your ex in the first place.

You certainly didn’t constantly put yourself in a position of weakness and beg for him or her to reply and be with you. You were equals from the start and had similar thoughts, beliefs, perceptions, feelings, and expectations.

The same thing must happen this time before you can reconnect as partners.

Also, if your ex does want to test you, it will be when your ex cares about himself/herself or when your ex needs something from you. Something like information, reassurance, care, support, or sex.

Don’t expect your ex to need you for these things just because you were a couple for a while. To need you, your ex must first acknowledge and crave your presence. And to crave your presence, something must first change your ex’s view of you and the relationship.

Something like another romantic failure.

Only then will your ex see you the way you see him/her and feel the desire to be with you sexually or romantically.

So if you’re wondering if your ex is testing you by ignoring you, know that your ex most likely isn’t. Your ex is just refusing to respond because doing so lets him or her focus on different things in life and feel relieved and elated.

It lets your ex be the person he or she wants to be.

With that said, here’s when your ex might test you after breaking up with you.

On the other hand, your ex won’t test you for no reason by:

• treating you terribly
• lying to you
• manipulating you
• ignoring and blocking you

You must remember that an ex who ignores you doesn’t respect you and that there’s a significant power difference in play. If you continue to reach out or respond to your ex just to get ignored, you’ll only give your ex additional reasons to treat you badly.

You’ll show you’re okay with the way your ex treats you as long as your ex talks to you and gives you false hope.

What to do when your ex tests you by ignoring you?

Whether your ex tests you or ignores you, it’s extremely important that you stop giving your ex additional power and control. Your ex is already in charge of the breakup. You mustn’t let your ex be in charge of your emotions and well-being as well.

If you give your ex so much power over your life, you’ll see your ex’s ignoring behavior gets worse, not better. That’s because you’ll force your ex to lose respect for you and allow your ex to treat you the way you treat yourself.

As a dumpee, you must remember that your ex doesn’t deserve a spot in your life and that you shouldn’t even give your ex a chance to test you. You have nothing to prove to your ex because your ex already knows your personality and has a negative perception of you.

If your ex’s perception of you improves in the future, it won’t be because of what you say and do but because of (negative) things that happen to your ex. This means something bad and unrelated to you will need to affect your ex’s thoughts and feelings and allow your ex to mature.

You may really want to influence your ex, but you must remember that you’re no longer together, capable of making your ex feel a certain way. Your ex doesn’t take you seriously anymore because he or she disconnected from you and stopped caring about you romantically.

Your ex must now find his or her own reasons for valuing you and wanting to reconnect with you. That’s the only way your ex can redevelop feelings for you and commit to working on himself/herself and the relationship.

So whatever you do, don’t think your ex is testing you by ignoring you. It will only give you hope and make you try to win back your ex’s heart. If your ex doesn’t appreciate you, you shouldn’t try to force your ex to appreciate you.

Your ex has to come back on his or her own or you’ll push your ex away even further and think you’re not worthy of love. Such thoughts will increase your longing for your ex and make you anxious or even depressed.

You can avoid all this pain by understanding that most dumpers don’t test their exes and that those who do typically don’t want their ex back. They just want to know what their ex is doing and if it’s possible to be friends or friends with benefits.

Your ex might test you (learn more about you) by talking to you and:

• observing how you think and feel
• asking you questions about your new life
• apologizing to you
• complimenting you
• inviting you out
• trying to make you emotional/jealous

No matter what your ex does to get a reaction out of you, keep your composure and project confidence and positivity. Don’t let your ex bring out the worst in you as it will only confirm his or her decision to leave the relationship.

Do you think your ex is testing you by ignoring you? How do you think your ex is testing you? Comment below and let us know!

And lastly, if you need help analyzing your breakup and creating a breakup plan tailored to your specific situation, contact us for 1-on-1 assistance.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.