Should I Tell My Ex How I Feel?

If you got dumped, you probably feel all sorts of emotions. You feel anxiety, fear, uncertainty, hope, but most of all a desire for love. You want to tell your ex how you feel so that you can get things off your chest and receive a validating response from your ex.

Little do you know that your ex won’t give you the response you’re looking for. Your ex is the dumper, which means that he or she doesn’t feel how you feel. Your ex feels detached and hope-free whereas you feel an overwhelming craving for a romantic connection and think you must profess your feelings so you can stop feeling hurt, alone, unworthy, and abandoned.

The good thing about it is that you’re still searching for answers on whether you should tell your ex how you feel. You haven’t actually told your ex what you’re thinking and feeling and can still keep your dignity and avoid guilt-tripping and pressuring your ex.

While you’re contemplating whether you should tell your ex how you feel, remember that you’re not thinking logically. You’re thinking illogically – emotionally and will most likely overwhelm the person who isn’t on the same emotional page as you.

Your ex (the dumper) is in a different book because if your ex wanted you back, your ex would have told you how he or she felt already. Your ex would emotionally depend on your validation and would be in a hurry to express feelings and receive a matching response from you.

So don’t jump the gun with your ex by telling your ex how you feel. You won’t get the results you’re hoping for because you’re merely hoping for those results. You’re not taking into account that your ex has lost feelings for you and that your ex can’t regain feelings that easily.

Not now that your ex has or thinks that he or she has a clear understanding of who you are as a person and what you can do for him or her. Now professing feelings, explaining yourself, begging for affection, staying your ex’s friend, and doing anything that shows you need your ex romantically does more harm than good.

Instead of impressing your ex or triggering “hidden feelings” within your ex, taking the initiative with your ex makes your ex feel misunderstood, disrespected, and suffocated. Your ex doesn’t want to be in a situation where he or she has to shut people down.

Rejecting people isn’t a good feeling.

You’d think it gives dumpers an ego boost and that everyone would want to feel like they’re the most important person on the planet, but that’s not the case. It usually just suffocates the soul out of dumpers and makes them want to escape the unpleasant situation they not only didn’t anticipate but also don’t have any control over.

So don’t tell your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend how you feel. Don’t show you’re eager to jump back into a relationship with your ex because it will kill any attraction and interest that has built up after the breakup. Not only that, but it will also hurt you because the chances of your ex rejecting you are very high.

They’re much, much higher than your ex taking you back and letting your dreams come true. As a dumpee, you just can’t put your ex in charge of your happiness. You have to know your worth and let your ex come to you. That’s the only way your ex will develop feelings for you and respect you for handling the breakup well.

This article is for dumpees who wonder if they should tell their ex how they feel. We’ll discuss why expressing feelings can be overwhelming and when it’s okay to tell your ex how you feel.

Should I tell my ex how I feel?

As long as you love your ex, you should never tell your ex how you feel. The moment you do, you put your ex in control of your heart and give him or her the ability to hurt you and make you even hungrier for love. By giving up power, you tell your ex that you haven’t been focusing on yourself and moving on, but that you’ve been miserable and that you want your ex to relieve your misery and love you despite the lack of success in your personal and/or romantic life.

You need to understand that your ex won’t find you attractive if you tell your ex how you feel. The two of you aren’t strangers or acquaintances with very few opinions of each other. You’re ex-partners who perceive each other in certain ways and can’t change those perceptions unless you really want to change them.

You can also change them if something (bad) happens to you, of course. But for romantic cravings to develop, something influential, often self-esteem breaking and anxiety-inducing has to occur. This something can be anything a person cares about and has very little or no control over.

Some things that can change the way your ex feels about you are:

• depression
• romantic rejection
• fallout with a friend or family member
• losing a job

If you’re still thinking of telling your ex-gf or ex-bf how you feel, remember that your ex isn’t your therapist who will gladly listen to your problems. Your problems were caused by your ex, so it probably won’t be easy to listen to you. Listening to you will likely make your ex feel bad for hurting you and responsible for the mess you’re in.

And responsibility is something your ex doesn’t want. He or she left you because of overwhelming responsibilities. Your ex now wants to be alone, not to help you get through the breakup.

Some exes, of course, encourage their dumpees to reach out for closure and support. But if your ex didn’t invite you to reach out when you’re struggling, I suggest that you don’t take the liberty to invite yourself and see how things go. The odds are overwhelming that your ex won’t like your reach out and give you what you’re asking for.

Your ex will most likely just tell you or show you that you’re not a priority anymore and that he or she has no intention of reciprocating your feelings. Especially not if you want your ex to reciprocate them on your terms before he or she has reached out to you and shown interest in you.

Here’s why you should not tell your ex-gf/ex-bf how you feel about him or her.

The moment you tell your ex how you feel, your ex will feel that he or she is the most important person in your life and lose the urgency to develop feelings for you. Your ex will be able to take as much time as needed to explore other options because your ex will feel a sense of safety and unconditional love and support.

It’s much better for your ex to know that you’re not waiting for him or her. So don’t say things like, “I’ll always love you” and “Contact me if you change your mind.” Your ex is well aware of the fact that it’s his or her turn to make a move.

Your ex needn’t be reminded that you’ll be waiting for him or her to come back. Reminders like that make you look weak and hung up on your ex when you should be getting yourself back and enjoying all the things life has to offer.

When should I tell my ex how I feel?

You should tell your ex how you feel only when your ex encourages you to share your difficulties with him/her (not romantic feelings), when your ex wants you back (shows romantic interest in you), or when you want to kill your reconciliation hope as quickly and painfully as possible.

Mind you that killing hope the hard way isn’t a good idea if the breakup is fresh and you’re struggling to get ahold of yourself. It might be okay to do only when you’ve gotten through most of the stages of a breakup for the dumpee and think that your ex’s rejection could help you let go of your ex quicker.

You might be able to benefit from getting rejected on purpose when you’re more than 80% healed and won’t fall into depression or get anxious when your ex rejects you.

If you still love your ex and want your ex back, however, then you can tell your ex you’re struggling emotionally if your ex is empathetic and genuinely cares about you. You can tell your ex cares if your ex told you to reach out when you’re struggling with the breakup or if your ex is reaching out to you and asking you how you are.

An ex reaching out and asking you how you are, of course, doesn’t guarantee that your ex cares about you. Your ex could be reaching out just to appease guilt. But if you explain yourself and don’t make your ex feel bad for the way you feel, your ex might see that you’re in need of help and that you’d like his or her assistance. Provided your ex is mature, your ex may decide to help you cope with anxiety. Make sure to thank your ex and start preparing to go no contact afterward.

You should rely on your ex for help only when your ex wants to help and when you lack your own strength. And you lack your own strength if you’re extremely codependent and can’t cut your ex off without causing harm to yourself.

If you can’t eat or sleep and function the way you usually do, that’s not a good reason to reach out to your ex. It’s an excuse and a sign that you need to talk to someone (a professional preferably) and get your ex out of your system.

Lastly, the only time you should comfortably talk about your feelings with your ex is when you’re certain your ex wants you back and has already proved that he or she is going to work hard on winning your trust back. That’s when you can tell your ex you love him/her and that you’re going to observe him or her for a while to see how things go.

Should I tell my ex how much he/she hurt me?

Normally, I would encourage you to tell people how you feel and why you feel that way. But a breakup isn’t a normal situation. It’s a situation where your ex probably didn’t just stop caring about you romantically but also as a person. I don’t know your situation, but if the relationship ended explosively and/or your ex is nowhere to be seen, telling your ex how much he or she has hurt you won’t help you.

It will likely get you ignored, blocked, or blamed for the things you did throughout the relationship. So forget about confiding in an ex who doesn’t care about how hurt you are by his or her actions or inactions. If you want to express your feelings and feel understood, talk to your friends and family and sign up for therapy.

Talk to someone who listens to you and cares about what you have to say.

Yes, this can also be your ex. But make sure your ex is a mature person who won’t take your hurt feelings personally. Many if not most dumpers do. Especially guys because they don’t understand a woman’s emotions and her need to express herself.

Instead of sympathizing with her, they get angry and call her names. That doesn’t help, nor does it repair the relationship/friendship. It just complicates things. So before you tell your ex how much he or she has hurt you, take a moment to understand whether your ex is the kind of person who understands emotions and cares about people’s pain.

That should be the deciding factor in your decision to confide in your ex about your feelings.

What to say to an ex who hurt you?

If you feel like you have to say something to an ex who hurt you and you’re certain your ex will respond to you in a mature way, you don’t have to worry too much about what to say. Worry about how you’ll say it.

If you come off as rude and blame your ex for the way you feel, that probably won’t end well for you because you’ll hurt your ex back. So make sure to express yourself as if you weren’t hurting. That way, you’ll show that you’re just blowing off some steam rather than looking for trouble.

Say, “I hope this is a good time to talk. I don’t want to hurt you or make you feel uncomfortable. I’d just like you to understand that I feel hurt and that I’ve been having a difficult time understanding why you said (the things you said). Would you explain how you felt when you said (that) and how you feel right now? I want you to know that your feelings matter to me.”

If you express yourself empathetically like that, your ex probably won’t take it as an attack and react strongly to it. Your ex will probably see that you’re trying to get some answers and that those answers could make you feel better.

However, say things like, “You’ve hurt me a lot, I can’t believe you said that, why do you always do that” and your conversation will quickly turn into an argument. That’s because you’ll both defend yourselves and try to put the blame on each other.

Are you still wondering if you should tell your ex how you feel? What exactly do you want to tell your ex? Let us know in the comments section below.

Or if you’d prefer to talk with us about your feelings, click on the coaching link for more information.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.