Did your girlfriend break up with you and say she still loves you? Did she appear sad, regretful, or guilty? If she did, you need to understand why.
This won’t be easy to hear, but it’s imperative that you hear the truth. It will help you get out of denial and encourage you to get your life in order. Also, if the breakup just occurred and you badly want your ex back, you don’t have to agree with everything written here right away. But do try to stay open-minded and revisit the main points later (after you’ve detached a bit).
So without further ado, the reason why your ex-girlfriend broke up with you and said she still loves you is that she lacked the courage to tell you how she truly felt about you. She was afraid you’d get hurt/react badly, so she gave you the worst reply she could possibly give you.
She said she loves you even though her actions (the breakup) proved otherwise.
Every person who’s been through a breakup knows that dumpers’ love is far gone by the time they break up with their partner. It’s especially gone if they were unhappy for months and quickly jumped into a new relationship with someone new.
So why do they do it? Why do they say they love someone when they in fact don’t?
What you need to know is that your ex said those three magic words not because she loved you and wanted to secure a spot in your heart for the future but rather because she saw or assumed you were hurt and wanted to ease your pain. She thought that professing her love would make the breakup easier for you.
But the truth is that it didn’t. It probably made you feel ecstatic for a moment because you felt loved, reassured, and hopeful for a reconciliation. But when you noticed that her actions don’t match her words, it made you feel worse. It confused you, made you crave her love, triggered your separation anxiety, and told you that she’ll be back for you because she still loves you.
This means that your ex said she loves you because doing so allowed her to swiftly escape the relationship without addressing the consequences of the breakup. In other words, she didn’t want to explain why she was breaking up with you because she lacked the backbone to face the consequences of breaking up with someone she fell out of love with.
Instead, she just said she loved you and pretended that she still found you attractive, valuable, and worthy of being her boyfriend.
Unfortunately, though, her words have made you extremely hopeful. They’ve made you think that there might still be hope for the relationship otherwise she wouldn’t have confessed her feelings for you. You’re probably thinking that if she was done with you forever that she’d have told you it’s over forever and instructed you not to contact her ever again.
Well, although some dumpers candidly tell their exes it’s over for good, I’d say there are just as many people who say “I love you, I’ll miss you, I’ll regret this in the future, It’s just a break.” They sometimes also hug, kiss, cry, and have very passionate sex with their ex.
Such dumpers appear very vehement and full of love for their ex, but that’s only because they’re overwhelmed with pity and sentimental, guilt-ridden emotions. To put it plainly, they’re disappointed in themselves for abandoning a relationship and feel bad for their exes, so they decide to “help” their exes even though their behavior usually ends up harming their exes rather than helping them.
Most of the time, it only gives dumpees the impression that romance and passion are still there and that they have to try harder to impress their ex and make him or her come back.
So if you’re wondering why your girlfriend said she loves you during or after the breakup, keep in mind that she wanted to give you hope so she could ease your pain and assuage her guilt. She wanted to put herself before you and behaved in a cowardly way (deceived you) so she could distract you from reality and prevent you from reacting in an angry, vengeful, sad, or begging manner.
This means that your ex-girlfriend will soon recover from guilt (if she hasn’t already) and that you’ll suffer when reality catches up with you (also if it hasn’t already).
In this post, we’ll talk about what it means when your girlfriend breaks up with you and says she still loves you. We’ll also discuss how to avoid falling for this “I still love you” trick.
She broke up with me but still loves me
We need to talk about something very important. When your girlfriend abandoned the relationship, she knew she no longer wanted to be with you. She was unhappy or unfulfilled and needed to escape the relationship to focus on herself.
But because breaking up with you was difficult (usually happens when a relationship is healthy and long-lasting), she felt bad for breaking your heart and confused her guilt and heartache for love. She thought she loved you even though her breaking up with you had nothing to do with her love for you. It had everything to do with her feeling bad and uncomfortable for breaking your heart.
She wanted both you and her to feel better.
It still baffles me that dumpers frequently think they love their ex when they’re sad or in pain, but the truth is that love and pain don’t always go hand in hand. People tend to confuse pain for love mainly because they want the person who directly or indirectly caused them pain to make them feel better.
That’s why they project their unhappy emotional state onto that person and say “I love you, I need you, I can’t live without you, you’re the best boyfriend/girlfriend I’ve ever had and ever will have.” Because they’re in pain and need help coping with grief, they sometimes even change their mind during the breakup, take their ex back, and focus on healing their emotional wounds.
But once they’ve healed their wounds and regained their composure, they once again feel “normal” and start to think about breaking up again. Consequently, they build up discontent and soon use their detachment and determination to break up or try to break up again.
Anyway, below, you can find 5 reasons why your girlfriend told you she still loves you during or after the breakup.
Your girlfriend wasn’t happy and knew she had to break up with you. But because she was scared of breaking your heart (of hurting you), she prolonged the breakup for as long as she could and eventually broke up with you in a cowardly manner.
I can’t speculate as to why she broke up with you in this way, but it’s evident that she fell out of love and wanted something different. Something that would make it easier for her to focus on her wants and needs.
Sometimes dumpers say “I still love you” because they know or fear that their partner doesn’t take criticism and rejections well. But at other times, they make breakup excuses because they’re scared, impatient, or unhappy and want to get out of the uncomfortable situation as quickly and conveniently as possible.
In my opinion, it doesn’t matter whether your ex-girlfriend was afraid of telling you the truth, thought she still loved you, or was genuinely worried about your well-being. The truth of the matter is that she gave you false hope and delayed the time it will take you to process her declaration of love and move forward with your life.
How can you tell if an ex still loves you?
As you know, most dumpers don’t break up with their ex when they still love their ex. They may be attached to their ex and/or hurt by their ex’s pre-breakup behavior, but this doesn’t mean that they still love their ex. It means that they are in pain because they were forced to break up with someone they’d spent time and emotions building a relationship with.
And although sometimes people are indeed forced to leave a relationship because their partner is unfaithful or unwilling to change, it’s also true that such people usually aren’t in love with their exes. They’re in pain because they’re still attached to their exes.
Just how dumpees think they love someone who cheated on them multiple times, dumpers also sometimes believe that their pain and attachment mean the same thing. They especially think that way if their ex was good to them and if they’re having a difficult time detaching from their ex, moving on, and finding their own happiness and purpose.
It sucks, but the majority of dumpers feel too angry, victimized, and in control of their emotions to love someone they no longer want in their romantic life. They just aren’t capable of loving their ex because in their mind, they hold their ex accountable for the way they think, feel, and behave.
That’s why the best way you can tell whether your ex is in love with you or attached to you is to give your ex some time. Give her a month or so and you’ll see if she comes running back. If she does come back, you’ll know that she loves you because she won’t want to live without you.
If it takes her months to come back, something or someone will probably inspire or force her to see your worth and redevelop feelings for you. And if it takes her more than a few months and she doesn’t come back, then, it’s probably safe to say that she doesn’t love you and that you need to keep moving on.
No matter how long it’s been since she left, give your ex-girlfriend the freedom to do what she wants and see what she does with it. Her actions, behavior, and effort (or the lack of these things) will always tell you whether she loves you or not. You just have to be patient and mind your own business.
We broke up but she still tells me she loves me
If you and your ex-girlfriend still communicate after the breakup and she keeps telling you she loves you, you need to understand that she’s used to telling you she loves you. She’s been telling you that for so long that it’s turned into a habit. Again, you can tell what she feels and wants simply by looking at her actions.
Are her actions in sync with her words and promises?
If they are, she might have regrets or doubts. But if they aren’t, then she probably says she loves you out of habit or because she considers you her friend or someone she cares about.
Needless to say, she shouldn’t be telling you she loves you when you’re not even together. You’re ex-boyfriend and ex-girlfriend—which is why it’s not a good idea for her to use that particular word to express her non-romantic care for you.
It’s better for her to say she appreciates you, cares about you as a friend, or respects the way you do things. She doesn’t have to throw the “I love you” word around as if it means nothing. Perhaps this is something you can talk to her about so that she doesn’t confuse you and give you false hope.
Just say that you don’t want to hurt her but that you’d appreciate her if she didn’t say “I love you anymore.” Tell her ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends shouldn’t use that word and that there are words more suitable to express gratitude in the situation that you’re in.
In a way, this will tell your ex that you have no expectations of her (relieve the pressure) and show her you’re set on moving on.
So instead of taking your ex’s words literally, convince yourself that your ex doesn’t mean what she says and that she just wants you to know that she appreciates you and cares about you.
Did your girlfriend break up with you but still claims to love you? How does that make you feel? Post your comment/story below the post.
Or if you prefer to talk about it 1-on-1, go here to see how.
Thank you for writing this article, it is very helpful and has realistic information about what a guilty dumper would do. My ex recently broke up with me after she hid her feelings for the longest time. I believe she is still hiding information that I want to know. She says she doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. One thing she has admitted to though was being a coward, like mentioned in the article, and not facing me in person to talk about what happened to our relationship. She says she still cares about me as a person but she needs space to figure out herself and her future and cannot handle a relationship at the same time (college). Then we stopped talking regularly. I gave her one more chance and tried to play everything safe but she still refused to speak. I’m now refraining contacting her. She said she hopes we could at least be friends which I agreed to. But as I started thinking about it more I realized, at least for right now, I still like her and I know if I ever saw her with someone else I might lose my mind. Its hard for me to believe someone can just seem to throw everything we had away. Something I can’t even see myself doing. For that reason I’m afraid I may have to cut her off against my own will. I just cant handle that and Its not healthy for me either. I am doing my best to detach and not give myself false hope of us getting back together. If she ever wants me back she will first have to regain my trust.
What I do know is that what I gave her was the her best relationship to date compared to her past partners, so I don’t know what else she could possibly want from someone. If I didn’t satisfy her then she is more than welcome to trot onto the next person, and if she does I may never talk to her again because it feels like betrayal and I would feel physically repulsed and disgusted with her actions, especially because she made it seem the main reason of the breakup was because of college stress + long distance. I saw a future where we would work together, she did not. It is a topic she never brought up and I would’ve been more than happy to talk about it.
I do know how much I gave her and how much more I was willing to give. What I learned from this is to respect myself more and what I have to offer to someone and to make sure that my partner is willing to give me as much as I am giving. Part of me wonders if she would stumble upon this post and recognize it. I don’t really care though. What she should know though if she were to find this is that she is the reason I’m here. She has seemingly lied about the way she felt towards me for a long time and refuses to talk about it in fear of hurting me even more than she has already. She wont give me answers so I’m going to try to find them. The only thing that hurts more than the truth is a lie. The truth hurts but silence kills. I’m going away soon and am not going to be able to talk to her for a couple months. Maybe that will be enough time to herself to figure things out. Thinking of not reaching out when I get back. I’ve put in a lot of effort in our relationship just of her to treat me the way she did, and I believe that if she wants to continue our romantic relationship, or even a simple friendship, she will have to put in some effort too. She hides her true thoughts and feelings from lots of people very often. Only time will tell.
Thank you Zan.
Hi Anon.
If you’re not getting the answers you need, cut her off. She’s no good for you as she is right now. She only complicates your healing. You can always be friends later if you think she deserves it. But until then, it’s no contact all the way!
Use this time to reflect, improve, and get over her.
Sincerely,
Zan
Good luck mate. That helped me alot. I’m in same position.
Hi all,
I’m also experiencing the “I love you” emotional and amicable break-up with my ex girlfriend. Never had fights or big issues and we decided to live together by the end of the year.
I don’t get it either… Sudden break up where everything seemed normal. Crying, wanting some kisses and hugs “you’re the best human being I met” and “I love you” with tears in her eyes. I accepted the break up and didn’t get too emotional but was incomprehensible to me how she behaved during the break up, why all this drama and “I love you” statements, hugs etc??
After some thought alone I ended up here:
1) Cheated but didn’t have the courage to tell me
2) Needed validation and me chasing/begging her
3) Friends and family badmouthing me for not taking the next step after 5 years in relationship.
Anyway, I don’t get it… Maybe it’s the classic test “if he loves you, he’ll chase you” gimmick many women pull of in their 30s… I guess I will never know.
Salute,
Shawn
Hi Shawn.
Don’t fall for breakup excuses and words like “I love you.” She must have felt bad for breaking your heart and didn’t want to hurt you anymore. But that wasn’t the right approach even if she had your best interests at heart.
I hope you process the hope she gave you quickly.
Best regards,
Zan
As someone who still loved my ex-beau [and he likewise loved me], and yet still made the decision to dump him and move on – I can attest that you CAN still love your ex, even if you or he or it was a mutual decision to break up.
Now I’ve met and finally for the only time married the new man who is my only husband. As for the ex-beau, don’t ever expect me to come back. God bless!
Hi Emily.
My definition of love is wanting to be with someone/spend time with him, tell him how you feel and expect him to do the same. Love in my book is both rational and emotional. What’s your definition of love?
Best regards,
Zan
That is of course your subjective opinion – not a fact. I already explained to you the true definition of love in others posts – regardless of what anyone, including me or you, thinks. With that said, now here is my question to you – why do you censor other people’s responses to you? I tried to respond back civilly and honestly with the aforementioned response but you did not post it. Are you afraid of the truth, because it conflicts with your chosen beliefs? Or are you just pushing a narrative that you want others to hear, because it’s good for your ego and wallet? Here is the facts/honest truth – As history and real life proves, the reality is that, as incongruous as it sounds, you can love someone and yet still reject them and be honest about it. I am one such a person who actually did mean it and unlike your assumptions, never went back nor never tried to lie and I have moved on, with the man in my life who has become my husband. Other people have done the same. You know that, deep down. Does that make the person a jerk? Maybe to you, but not to all. With that said – Are there some people who lie and twist and manipulate their ex’s around, and who don’t mean what they say? Yes. Do all who break up with the ex they love lie or try to go back to them or manipulate their ex? No. Worth thinking on those points. God bless!
Hi Emily.
I don’t censor other comments. I delete them sometimes, but they have to be mean, insulting, or dangerous to the readers. Dumpers aren’t necessarily bad people just for breaking their ex’s heart. But when they leave healthy long-term relationships, they often do that because they lack patience and other relationship skills and virtues.
Kind regards,
Zan
Correction – I see now that my responses are being posted. I amend what I had asked you if you were possibly censoring me. Glad to see that is not the case. In either case, the remainder of what I said still is factual. 🙂
To Zan and the many commenters on the MoS blog-at-large,
Thank you very much for helping me process my very recent breakup in the healthiest manner which I could. To make a long story short, I was in a same-sex relationship, and as someone who is out to very few people, going through this sudden, out-of-the-blue (to me, at the initial time) breakup alone has been and is very, very isolating. Our breakup was ‘amicable’ in that there was no fighting — in fact, we had one, relatively minor argument in the course of our eight month relationship — but simply that he fed me the classic breakup excuse that he ‘wasn’t emotionally ready’ for a serious relationship (despite him being the one to pursue it and indicating so up to this point), and that he could not (or did not want) to commit (exclusively) to me anymore. I was absolutely shocked, and still am on some days, because to me everything had been going so well.
I do suspect he was not being entirely honest with me, and have tried to analyze it as a third-party to look for signs where things may have not been as they seemed to me (with ‘blinders’ on at the time), and that I may have been a rebound, he may have met somebody else, he may not have been emotionally exclusive with me ever (unbeknownst to me), or simply that he lacked the maturity and self-respect (for himself) in which to carry out a successful relationship after the ‘honeymoon’ phase wore off. I don’t know exactly what went wrong — I probably never will, nor do I know if this is the last I’ll hear from him or not, but what I do know for a fact is I’m in control as to how to respond to the situation as it is presently, and I will NOT allow myself to continue to be hindered and unnecessarily hurt by what did occur.
He did, and still continues to, keep telling me that he “loves me,” and does sometimes clarify but “maybe not in a romantic sense.” Either way, every time I hear it, it stings. Badly. He wants a friendship, and continued to text me about banal ‘breadcrumbing’ stuff (with him initiating all contact) until I finally, politely asked for space (using some advice from another article on this blog almost word-for-word). I still have very strong feelings for him, and the sudden nature in which this occurred has caused me lots of strife — but where on my own with no one to whom I can discuss it all I may have taken some unhealthy turns in terms of coping or hanging onto attachment I am so truly and utterly thankful to have found this blog, and you, Zan.
I have poured over nearly every article, many of which seem as if they were written exactly for me and about my situation (which still baffles me!) and have taken notes and pages and pages of reflection and personal commentary about them. I find myself referring back to many of them, this one and “He Says He’s Not Ready for a Relationship Right Now” in particular to the point of direct, verbatim memorization. I finally, some two weeks after-the-fact, wanted to express my thanks and to those who may be wondering about this blog — give it a chance — I still have a LONG way to go in terms of my recovery, but I am following many of the outlined guidance steps (including indefinite no contact) and other suggested paths toward healing, understanding, and acceptance (both of myself and of him/the relationship), as well as directing my energies as best I can toward self-growth and -improvement.
Have I done or followed everything perfectly? Absolutely not — I have tried, but have made honest mistakes — I’m human! And translating advice from page to real life isn’t exactly cut-and-dry, but this blog does make that as easy as possible. It’s a learning experience for me (this is my first ‘real’ breakup/relationship), but my intent is there and in the past two weeks I have come a long, long way and have set a solid plan in motion due to the content from Zan, including the indefinite no-contact rule and trying to understand the break-up and my ex’s behavior from a third-party perspective. It has been tremendously helpful.
Thank you for being a light in a world of confusion and darkness for me, because it, and the community which this blog fosters, has been a saving grace. I hope to one day be at a point of total acceptance and to have found someone who deserves the healthy, respectful love which I have and want to give.
All the best to you currently struggling, do not give up hope and keep at it. With some hard work and serious self-reflection that transitions to self-growth, we can get through anything – this is NO exception. Zan has, in turn, given the world a wonderful resource of which I only wish everyone was aware!
Thank you for your kind words, Rob.
Your ex gave you a typical breakup excuse, so I’m glad you were able to see through him. He didn’t have the courage to tell you the truth so he gave you something he knew you’d settle for.
I know you’re hurting a lot, Rob, but don’t settle for friendship with an ex. It’s too early to talk to him on a friendly level, so remind him not to contact you if he reaches out again. You have to put yourself first and heal without him.
You’ve got a lot of work to do, Rob. I suggest you engage in some self-reflection and discover what it is that you lack. I don’t mean what your ex didn’t like about you, but what you think you could improve about yourself. It’s important that you use this valuable post-breakup time to learn more about yourself and grow within.
Stay strong!
Zan
Couldn’t have said it any better myself. I was in a very similar situation and visit this site from time to time for guidance and reflection. Thank you, Rob, for sharing your situation. And thank you, Zen, for sharing your wisdom.
I don’t utter a peep about my ex to anyone, esp. not to anyone I’m currently seeing. The only place I occasionally let it out is here.
As far as my current girlfriend is concerned, I’m solid as a rock 🙂
Thanks for looking out Zan!
Hi DK.
You’ve come a long way! You’re much healthier and stronger emotionally and have a much better mindset. Just remember what I’ve told you before, DK. It’s okay to be angry, but don’t resent your ex. Resentments hurt you, not your ex.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thank you again for this insightful article. However, I feel like I have to speak up because it feels like one option has been forgotten. See, I am the one who broke up with my boyfriend. And god knows how much I loved him. I still do actually and I have to remind myself everyday of the reasons why I did it. I broke up because even though I know my ex cared deeply about me, he was not in the right mindset to actually be in a relationship/was emotionnally unavailable and lacked the maturity to understand the need to put in the required efforts to nurture our relationship. Relationships demand time, and efforts, and attention and because of a lot of circumstances, both external and internal, he gave up. Towards the end, we were together without totally being together, and it was extremely emotionally draining for the both of us. Breaking up with him was one of the hardest things I ever had to do and it hurts to see us becoming strangers as the days pass. I know he is now casually dating another woman and it feels like a punch right in the heart. But I guess that that’s what he wants : no strings attached. Maybe I’m a fool, so I keep telling myself to keep moving forward, that the timing wasn’t right, but I can’t help but hoping that we might meet again, later in life, when we’re both more mature, and have healed from our own traumas, and (he) realize(s) that our connection is worth fighting for. I don’t know. So anyway, see, sometimes you can be sincere about your feelings and break up still, and it is heartbreaking, really.
Anyway, that’s just my opinion on the matter, I wish you all the best 🙂
Hi Mon.
I understand your reason for breaking up with your ex. You felt you had no choice but to pull away because your ex wasn’t reciprocating your emotional investment. He wasn’t fully healed/hasn’t taken the time to work on himself and basically took you and the relationship for granted.
Thank you for sharing your opinion with me, Mon. It’s very important to me!
Kind regards,
Zan
Great article, but you forgot one important reason they say “I love you” but break up with you.
They want to keep you around as an option in the event things go south with whoever they dumped you for.
That’s why as soon as a girl dumps you, stone-cold silence on your end in the form of permanent no contact is extremely important.
They all come back, especially when you were good to them. When she does (if you want) make her one of your “options”.
You should never be anyone’s option. DK, I agree with you, stay in shape and get your finances in order and casually date younger women. I am 50 and am always astounded at the interest women half my age give me.
“I am 50 and am always astounded at the interest women half my age give me.”
It’s absolutely amazing esp. if you’re naturally fun and outgoing personality wise. At the end of the day, that’s all they want really, is to have to good time. Give it to them, make them feel great, and you’re golden. Everything else just falls into place afterwards. No fuss, no mess.
I’m happy to read you’re doing great Mike! Well done bro!
Hi Mike.
That’s also true, Mike. But sometimes I don’t like mentioning this reason because it gives dumpees the impression that all dumpers leave their exes to string them along and return at a later time. Most of the time, dumpers don’t leave the doors open. At least not intentionally because they’re done for good in their mind.
Kind regards,
Zan
LOL Linda you’re a part of this website 🙂
I chime in once in a while to stay in touch but I have soooo moved on to someone 100000x better than my ex could ever dream of becoming and I hope you have as well.
Great article Zan!! Garbage is as garbage does and people that act the way described in your article are pure trash. Chances are you won’t feel this way or agree with it if the break-up is recent but with time, I’m fairly certain you will. My ex fit this article to the letter and from what I hear from some friends, it seems that it’s a fairly common trend. Sad but there seems to be so many damaged people out there and only a handful seem willing to genuinely grow.
Hit the gym everyday (or as much as possible). It will speed up your healing and mental health. Make sure your finances (very important) are in order and then casually date YOUNGER women. I’m in my mid-forties and the girl I’m seeing now is a 29 year old model. Everything about her so far is fantastic but that’s not the best part. As great as it is, she is nothing more than a compliment to my life. With or without her, I know I’ll be F awesome! A relationship like the one I had with my disgraceful ex will never happen again that’s for sure. She, and everyone like her, belong to the streets – nowhere else.
This should be everyone’s mindset in my opinion (man or woman).
God bless you all and thank you Zan for everything you do bro.
Hi DK.
It’s great that you’ve healed or mostly healed. But do remember that talking badly about your ex (especially to your new girlfriend) is not going to impress her much if at all. It’s just going to make her apprehensive. So do your best not to trash-talk your ex and instead tell her how things ended and that you’ve forgiven your ex for her self-centered behavior.
Doing so will help you let go of all the resentments and encourage your new girlfriend to be able to trust you.
Best regards,
Zan
Zan as always with the most helpful articles and always here to help us with the most healthy tips!!!
He helped me to hear the truth. And with baby steps I managed get out of denial and encourage me to get your life in order!!!
I recommended every single dumpee to like really talk with Zan and find his articles!!! They all with thank me later 🙂
Zan you pare do special… so grateful that I found you
Thank you, Linda. You’re too kind. 🙏
I’ll always be here to help.
Best,
Zan