My Ex Is Talking To Me Again, Now What?

If your ex is talking to you again and you’re wondering what to do, know that there’s only one thing to do. You need to figure out how your ex is talking to you and what’s causing your ex to act that way.

If your ex is being friendly to you, apologizing for hurting you, complaining about his/her new life, and talking about things that have nothing to do with you, your ex clearly isn’t interested in reconnecting intimately and getting back together with you.

Your ex just wants to get some things off his or her chest and get your feedback and validation. Such an ex doesn’t want to let go of you completely. He or she merely wants to keep you at the kind of distance that fulfills his or her post-breakup needs.

This means your ex wants something between acquaintanceship, friendship, and friendship with benefits. Your ex wants to take what you have to offer and give back very little. A relationship like that likely won’t progress past the friendship stage as someone who doesn’t feel anxious around you won’t recognize your romantic value and develop the urge to take you back.

He or she will remain comfortable with having you around just occasionally as a friend or even less than that. Many dumpers are okay with that kind of relationship because they only miss talking to their ex (from time to time) and hanging out as friends. They miss the friendship part of the relationship, which is why they selfishly breadcrumb their ex and confuse their ex.

Little do they know that their ex doesn’t want to be friends. He or she wants to go back in time and have a fulfilling romantic relationship with them. A romantic relationship is the only kind of relationship the dumpee desires as such a relationship takes the dumpee’s pain away and replaces it with romantic satisfaction.

So bear in mind that your ex talking to you again usually isn’t a sign of romantic interest. It’s a sign that your ex has somewhat processed the breakup or that your ex feels guilty for leaving, monkey-branching, or saying and doing hurtful things.

What may be a sign of romantic regret and interest is your ex appearing nervous and miserable, inviting you out, telling you he/she has important things to tell you, and asking to get back together. These things show a strong desire to fix personal flaws and mistakes and reconnect on an intimate level.

In a regretful ex, you can detect a sense of urgency as the dumper doesn’t want you to move on and find someone else to date. He or she wants to secure a place in an exclusive relationship with you and feel loved by you.

But before you assume that your ex is talking to you again because your ex wants you back, you need to analyze your ex’s way of talking to you. Look at the way your ex speaks to you, feels about you, and what your ex hopes to get out of talking with you.

This is necessary because if there are no immediate plans to see each other within the next few days, it’s probably not a sign your ex wants you back. It’s a sign your ex isn’t affected by the breakup and is okay with the way things are.

Remember that most dumpers who want you back will want you back yesterday. Regretful dumpers are anxious and sometimes even depressed, so they wish to stop hurting and feel positive and secure right away.

They find negative/painful emotions difficult to put up with, hence why they come back fast and decisively. They don’t need to talk to the dumpee for weeks to get to know the dumpee again because they already have a connection with the dumpee.

They can just reach out, speak for a few minutes, break the ice, and then state their reasons for reaching out.

Also, keep in mind that talking to ex-partners can make you misinterpret their intentions. Due to overwhelming anxiety and their excitement to talk to you, they can make you feel like they miss you romantically and want to be with you again.

But in reality, they just want to have a quick meaningless conversation that eases their guilt and feeds their curiosity.

Therefore, they appear communicative, relaxed, patient, and ready to explore a romantic relationship. They act like the breakup never happened and look as if they’ve processed everything they needed to process.

Don’t be deceived, though. The first conversation after the breakup tends to be very superficial. Dumpers appear talkative, curious, flirty, and “jokative”—and resemble people you used to know when you were with them. But that’s just how dumpers act when they see you after weeks or months of not talking to you.

They feel a bit shy, awkward, curious, and nostalgic at the same time, so they communicate with you and feel relieved after seeing that you still want to talk to them and don’t hate them.

Dumpees often get confused by their exes’ positive vibes and interest in talking for hours. They feel hopeful, so they let their hope control their rationality and allow their ex to reach out whenever their ex wants to.

Sadly, that’s not love. Love is long-lasting whereas dumpers’ excitement and relief wane very quickly. Most of the time, these emotions go away after the first conversation.

So if your ex is talking to you again and you can’t stop wondering what the next step is, don’t take the initiative and let your ex know you’re still eager to date and be with your ex. Eagerness to reconnect will smother your ex and make your ex run for the hills.

The reconciliation has to be your ex’s idea. Your ex was the one who left, so naturally, your ex must be the one to redevelop feelings and ask you out. If it’s the other way around (you asking your ex out), your ex will feel chased and have a significantly smaller chance of redeveloping respect, attraction, and feelings for you.

Your ex will feel pressured and react to pressure in ways that ruin what’s left of your relationship.

Although every breakup is different, the procedure for getting back together with an ex remains the same. You need to give the dumper space and also avoid being friends with your ex when your ex finally reaches out.

It doesn’t matter what mistakes you made during or after the relationship and breakup and how many times your ex asked you to make changes. If your ex disconnected from you and left you (broke up with you), your ex associated negative beliefs and emotions with you and won’t let you change them.

These things are out of your power to change.

You can do all the right things and present yourself as well as you can, but if your ex holds onto old perceptions of you, you won’t be able to influence your ex in the ways you want to.

Your ex has power, so you’ll need to wait for your ex to lose power and suggest meeting up and/or getting back together. That’s what makes breakups so difficult. You have to wait for your ex to learn some valuable life lessons that make your ex need you as much or more than you need your ex.

In today’s article, we discuss what to do if your ex started talking to you again. We’ll analyze different types of situations you might find yourself in with your ex and show you how to respond to them.

Why is my ex talking to me again?

Your ex could be talking to you again for many reasons. Your ex might be curious, nostalgic, bored, anxious, depressed, lonely, aroused, sad, afraid, frustrated, guilty, jealous, overwhelmed, angry, resentful, disgusted, envious, or confused.

No matter how or what your ex feels, your ex wants or needs something from you to move forward in life. Sometimes all the dumper needs to move on once and for all is forgiveness. If you don’t give forgiveness to the dumper (let’s say you get angry and argue), the dumper probably won’t keep begging you for it and will find alternative ways to forgive himself or herself.

The dumper might look for reasons to self-victimize and blame you for the way he or she treated you.

You need to understand that your ex isn’t talking to you for no reason. Everything your ex does has a reason and a purpose. The purpose may be deliberately hidden from you, but your ex still wants to talk for some reason. You may want to learn what that reason is so you can respond and deal with your ex in a way that is best for you.

You don’t want to get friend-zoned and strung along for ages. Every minute you spend talking to your ex, you become more hopeful and reliant on your ex for basic human needs such as happiness and self-acceptance.

You simply can’t give your ex control over these things.

You must detach from your ex, become emotionally independent, and stop worrying about what your ex thinks and feels. This will make you happy whereas letting your ex control your emotions and thoughts will make you feel weak and miserable.

Many times, dumpers feel they’re losing their ex forever and that they need to communicate with their ex to stop drifting apart. They have no intention of reconnecting as partners, but they still want to keep their ex around as friends or occasional friends.

So bear in mind that your ex might be reaching out for all kinds of different reasons. There’s always a chance that one of those reasons involves your ex wanting you back, but before you jump to that conclusion, pay attention to the things your ex is saying and feeling.

Pay attention to how important you are to your ex, how badly your ex wants to see you, and how sad, anxious, and regretful your ex is.

A happy, talkative, braggy ex is extremely unlikely to want you back. If such an ex comes back, you can be almost certain that the relationship won’t last long. Sooner than later, the dumper will get what he or she wanted to get from you and decide the relationship isn’t working out.

You can prevent this from happening by refusing to get back with exes who don’t return your lost power and give you what you need. Don’t get back with exes who don’t apologize, commit to growing, show you their changes daily, and let you take the lead.

I know it can be tempting to reconcile and feel validated the moment the dumper returns, but if you take the dumper back so easily, you’ll accept the dumper unconditionally and stop him or her from changing within.

Always remember that people tend not to appreciate those who make things so easy for them. They value those more who stand up for themselves and express their disappointments and demands.

So bear in mind that your ex is either talking to you because your ex wants you back or because your ex has some kind of problem, desire, or unfinished business with you. Your ex is contacting you out of all people because only you can give your ex what he or she needs.

With that said, here are some reasons why your ex is talking to you again.

So if your ex is talking to you again, bear in mind that your ex feels better than your ex felt when he or she stopped talking to you. Your ex has dealt with at least some negative emotions and feels ready to converse with you again.

This doesn’t mean your ex wants to talk every day, for hours at a time, and about difficult relationship matters. But it does mean that your ex can handle surface-level conversations. This includes conversations that friends (people who support each other) usually have.

If you try to cross friendship boundaries and talk about deep, serious topics, you’ll quickly learn that your ex isn’t emotionally capable of bonding over the same things as you. That could destroy your hope for reconciliation and set you back emotionally.

Instead of trying your luck with your ex, start by understanding why your ex is talking to you again and what your role as a dumpee is. If you understand that your role is a passive waiting game, you probably won’t do anything that pushes your ex away and hurts you.

What do I do if my ex is talking to me again?

If your ex is talking to you again and you’re thinking to yourself, “Now what” it’s time to remember that no contact doesn’t end the moment your ex reaches out and talks about some random thing. No contact is indefinite and ends when you don’t want your ex back anymore (want friendship/peace) or when your ex becomes regretful and discovers your worth.

When your ex changes his or her mind about you, your ex won’t just talk to you as a friend, but will actually try to get emotionally close to you. By developing a close emotional bond with you, your ex will attempt to lower your guard and make it easier for you to trust him or her.

Your ex will then be able to have some kind of relationship with you. This depends on your ex’s perception of you and his or her expectations.

What you do when your ex starts talking to you again depends on what you and your ex want. If you just want to be friends and your ex wants the same, you can discuss what friendship entails and agree on being friends.

But if you want your ex back, then you have to make sure your ex wants that too.

You’ll probably find out how your ex feels about you very quickly. If your ex wants you back, your ex will talk about mistakes, regrets, realizations, and his or her future with you. And conversely, if your ex just wants to be friends, your ex will talk to you like nothing happened and try to be your friend or get something from you.

You need to be prepared for anything so you can respond in a way that benefits you (not your ex).

So how can you respond when your ex wants to be with you?

If you want to be with your ex, you can ask your ex lots of questions and find out what’s changed since the breakup. You need to be careful so you don’t take an ex back just to get dumped a week later. That would make you feel used and worthless.

If you don’t want your ex back, however, you can tell your ex you appreciate his/her honesty, but that you’ve decided to move forward and focus on yourself. A mature ex will understand where you’re coming from and let you go.

The most common question most dumpees ask themselves is what to do if you want your ex back but your ex doesn’t show any interest in getting back together. In that case, you must tell your ex you’re not ready to be friends and ask your ex not to reach out anymore.

Again, a mature ex will leave you alone and focus on other people and things. Only an immature ex will keep bothering you and delaying your healing.

So if your ex is talking to you again, ask yourself and your ex what you both want. When you have the answer, you can then think about your interests and see if they align. If they align, that’s great. You can talk about them and work on them.

But if they don’t align, then say the relationship isn’t working for you and politely go your separate ways. You don’t want to say mean things or continue to talk to your ex if you aren’t emotionally on the same page. That would be unfair to a person with feelings and romantic expectations.

Is your ex talking to you again and you don’t know what to do? Let us know what your options are in the comments section.

And lastly, if you want to talk 1-on-1 about your breakup in more detail, subscribe to breakup coaching with us.