In this post, we’ll compare the indefinite no contact rule to the 30-day no contact rule. We’ll explain which works best and what you should be doing during the no contact period.
Some of you may know that I’m an advocate of the indefinite no contact rule because it’s the only rule that actually makes sense. All other rules are not rules at all. They’re techniques random people on the internet came up with to give dumpees false hope and extort money out of them.
So if you’re planning on giving no contact a chance (which you should), do the indefinite no contact rule. This rule will help you regain your dignity and encourage your ex to come back when the time is right.
Just keep in mind that it could take a while for it to heal your wounds and affect your ex in ways it needs to.
30-day no contact rule
Before I go into detail about the indefinite no contact rule, I’d first like to talk about the 30-day no contact rule and when it can affect your ex.
When a relationship comes to an end, there is very little you can do to change your ex’s mind about you. You can’t just wait 30 days and then send your ex a few text messages to make your ex regret dumping you.
No contact doesn’t work that way as time on its own doesn’t do much for your ex. All time does is give your ex time and space to enjoy life and prevent your ex from resenting you. It doesn’t let your ex miss you. Not after 30 days.
Dumpers need way longer than that to regret leaving their ex. They need to explore their life (often other options) before they realize they’ve made a huge mistake and that they want their ex back.
I would say that the 30-day no contact rule works when a breakup occurs in the heat of the moment due to an argument or when the dumper doesn’t really want to break up (wants power and control). In such cases, 30 days are more than enough time for dumpers to regret leaving their dumpees.
And the funny thing about it is that dumpees don’t even have to contact dumpers! They just have to wait for dumpers to see that their exes aren’t chasing them and that their exes are strong and self-sufficient enough to carry on without them.
That’s when dumpers anxiously reach out to see how their ex is doing and if he or she is with someone else.
Some fake breakup experts claim that if your ex doesn’t contact you after 30 days that you’re supposed to initiate contact and chase your ex. They say you’re supposed to send a text they “just can’t resist” and win your ex back. But the truth is that texts of any kind don’t win dumpers over.
If mere calls or texts could trigger dumpers’ feelings (especially after 30 days), most people would get their ex back and live happily ever after.
But unfortunately, not all couples reconcile. Some dumpers can’t let go of their negative feelings, so they monkey-branch from one relationship to the next without taking the time to reflect.
I have personally tried the 30-day no contact rule and all I got from my ex was a neutral response that led nowhere. I think my ex said something like, “Why did you contact me,” so I had no choice but to go back to no contact.
My ex’s response hurt me a lot and made me even more desperate for reconciliation, so I could say I learned my lesson the hard way.
You have to keep in mind that your ex left you and that your ex must be the one to come back. You can’t contact your ex first because you’ll disrupt both your healing processes and get directly or indirectly rejected.
It’s much better (safer) for you to wait for your ex to make the first move because that way, you’ll know that your ex actually wants to speak to you.
Your ex may not want you back, but at least you won’t be chasing your ex and embarrassing yourself.
Indefinite no contact rule
If you’re counting the days since you’ve gone no contact, here’s what you should do. Start by following the no contact rule for 30 days. But once you’ve made it to the 30th day, don’t reach out to your ex. Instead, extend your no contact rule indefinitely and focus even harder on yourself.
If you do that, you’ll soon feel much calmer and in control. You won’t be over your ex just yet, but you will get out of the depression stage of a breakup and no longer obsess over your ex 24/7.
My advice is not just to follow one rule which is not to contact your ex. If you want to get yourself back and also increase the chances of having a successful reconciliation/relationship with your ex, you should follow all the rules of no contact. The more rules you follow, the fewer setbacks you’ll encounter and the quicker you’ll heal.
Always remember that if your ex doesn’t reach out, your ex isn’t interested in getting back with you. Your ex is still set on leaving and is likely enjoying the relief and elation stage of a breakup. That would imply that your ex mustn’t hear from you. If he or she does, your ex will feel smothered and want to speak with you even less.
So respect your ex’s need to self-prioritize and respect yourself. You’ll probably hear from your ex when your ex goes through the first few stages of a breakup for the dumper and wants you back, wants to be friends, or needs something from you.
That’s when your ex will send you breadcrumbs and make you wonder what he or she is after.
About 3 months or so into no contact, you’ll feel much better. You’ll accept the fact that your ex might not come back and that it’s okay even if you never hear from your ex. Your healing and happiness will become much more important than an ex who abandoned you and made you deal with the breakup blues alone.
And that’s how it should be. No contact’s only purpose isn’t just to get your ex back. It’s to get yourself back so you can figure out if you really want to be with your ex. Right now, you probably think that you do because you’re hurt. But as time goes on, you’ll start noticing your ex’s bad traits and see that breakups happen for a reason.
Your particular reason may have been fixable, but the problem is that your ex didn’t want to fix it. He or she gave up on the relationship because he or she lacked the willpower and relationship skills to fix it. This is something you should keep in mind if you can’t stop idealizing your ex and fantasizing about getting back with your ex.
What happens during indefinite no contact?
During the indefinite no contact, power will be equally distributed between you and your ex. No contact will negate any begging and pleading and erase some of the bad memories from the relationship.
The longer you go without speaking to your ex, the more your ex will remember the positive aspects of the relationship and want to speak to you. So stay in no contact forever. Stay in it until you’re certain your ex has processed the breakup and started to value you again.
You’ll know your ex values you when your ex takes the initiative and shows romantic interest in you. Bear in mind that you’re not just waiting for your ex to reach out because that could get you friend-zoned. You want your ex to invite you out, apologize, ask for forgiveness, and ask to get back together.
Will your ex forget about you?
Many dumpees worry that their ex will forget about them during no contact. They think that by going no contact, they’ll make it easier for their ex to move on. But the truth is that their ex has already moved on. Their ex has broken up with them, which is why it’s safe to say that love is gone.
At least for now. Love could return if their dumpers fail to find happiness without their dumpee and get in some kind of trouble.
So as painful as the breakup has been for you, know that your ex won’t forget about you during no contact. If anything, your ex will think about you more because you won’t pester your ex with annoying messages and demands. You’ll let your ex go, which will make your ex wonder where you are and what you’re doing.
What if my ex finds someone else?
Your ex might find someone else during no contact, but, unfortunately, this isn’t something you can control. If your ex likes someone and decides to date him or her, you can’t prevent your ex from doing that. You no longer have a say in your ex’s life because you lost that privilege with the breakup.
If you stay friends with your ex with the intention to dissuade your ex from dating, I can tell you that you’ll fail. Not only will you fail, but you’ll also annoy your ex and make your ex want to date that person even more.
You’ll essentially push your ex towards this person and make yourself look really bad.
So don’t try to stay in touch with your ex out of fear of your ex finding someone else. If your ex starts dating someone else, that should tell you that your ex just doesn’t care anymore and that it’s time for you to protect your heart and stop interacting with your ex.
Usually, dumpers are ready to date right after the breakup. They don’t need time to heal the way dumpees do because they’re emotionally detached and ready for new romantic experiences. It’s unfair, I know, but that’s what detachment does for people.
You should try to detach as well so that you can also do what’s best for you.
Things to work on while you’re in indefinite no contact
No contact is a blessing in disguise. If you don’t feel motivated to work on yourself now that you’re hurting, you never will. So don’t waste your time by hoping and praying your ex will come back to you. Instead, reflect on your relationship and figure out what went wrong.
This is your chance to improve your shortcomings and better yourself in as many ways as possible. The more work you do on yourself during this difficult time, the more successful your relationship with your ex or with someone else will be.
If you don’t know what to work on, that doesn’t mean you have nothing to work on. It just means that you haven’t reflected yet and that you first need to figure out why. If the breakup just happened you may be too hurt to think about anyone and anything other than your ex.
That’s normal.
But if it’s been months and you’re still thinking about your ex day and night, then perhaps you need to change your focus and spend more time with friends and family. They may be able to distract you from all this ex-back stuff and show you it’s not the end of the world.
I can’t say what it is that you need to work on because I don’t know you, but you can probably start by letting go of reconciliation hope and improving self-control, patience, and self-esteem.
Demonstrate change and improvement
Right after the breakup, there’s absolutely nothing you can do to showcase improvement. Your ex won’t notice your growth even if you try because he or she will be busy with the breakup and will need lots of space and time.
Once your ex stops feeling relieved and no longer needs time to feel better, your ex will become much more receptive to the things you do and don’t do. Your ex will ponder about you more and be tempted to reach out. Your goal as a dumpee, therefore, is to remain patient in no contact so that your ex can see it’s safe to communicate again.
So if you’re trying to impress your ex, don’t try to do that directly by communicating with your ex. That will prove the opposite of what you’re trying to prove.
Instead, follow the following tips.
Stay in no contact
Have you ever heard of the phrase that silence speaks louder than words? You probably have.
By cutting off all communication, you’ll achieve something very important. You’ll convey to your ex that your ex isn’t as important as your ex thinks and show that you’re not needy and dependent on your ex for love and recognition. By going completely silent, you’ll show that you respect your ex’s decision and that you’re not going to reach out to your ex just because he or she broke up with you.
You see, indefinite no contact isn’t some sly manipulation tactic. It’s a technique that proves you’ve got what it takes to focus on yourself when someone you love abandons you.
And that speaks volumes because it makes you look strong.
Always remember that no contact on its own speaks to your ex in your stead. You don’t need to tell your ex that you’re focusing on yourself and improving because no contact is doing that for you. It’s making you look better than if you were to defend yourself and try to prove your worth.
Social media
Social media, such as Facebook and Instagram are great places for posting pictures of your new adventurous life. They make it easier to show that you’re not crying and doing nothing with your life but that you’ve become more active and interested in evolving as a human being.
If you want to master the art of using social media to your advantage, don’t pretend to be happy and act out of character. Your ex knows who you are and will see right through you. Instead, upload pictures and videos as frequently as you used to before the breakup and post only the best of the best of your life.
Just keep in mind that your ex could delete you, block you, or unfollow you. This happens when dumpees appear unaffected by the breakup and try to show off.
Texts/phone calls
When your ex gets in touch with you during the indefinite no contact rule (not the other way around), you want to be on your best behavior. You want to remain positive and optimistic and never bring up the breakup.
Act as if it didn’t happen and only talk about your life. Don’t ask your ex things like who your ex has been seeing and if your ex thinks about you. Such things no longer concern you. They stopped concerning you when your ex broke up with you.
You need to send a message that you’re too busy enjoying your life to worry your ex might be having fun without you.
Moreover, don’t talk to your ex for hours. If your ex doesn’t express the desire to get back with you a few minutes after breaking the silence, your ex doesn’t want to get back with you. Your ex just wants to check up on you and stop talking to you when it’s convenient for your ex.
You need to be aware of that so you can end the conversation as soon as you know your ex is reaching out to breadcrumb you.
Mutual friends
Mutual friends will do all the hard work for you. They’ll tell your ex what you’ve been up to and how you’ve been handling the breakup. They can be extremely helpful as they’ll act as your informants. So tell your friends everything you’ve been up to since the breakup.
Inform them of your new exciting life and everything you’ve managed to accomplish. If they see you’ve grown and fallen in love with yourself, you can be certain they’ll tell your ex about it. Your ex will either ask about you or they’ll tell your ex because they want to.
Personal encounters
If you see your ex in person, you want to briefly let your ex know that you are doing well. Tell your ex you’ve been really busy and make it seem like the breakup has helped you get things done.
That will make your ex wonder where your happiness and success come from and if you’re with someone new. Of course, don’t lie to your ex and play jealousy games, but do show that you’re happy and don’t need your ex to enjoy your life.
When your ex encounters problems and needs a person to confide in, your ex might get in touch with you to lean on you for support.
None of the above
If your ex deleted and blocked you on social media, you probably pushed your ex’s buttons or exhibited needy post-behavior. You made your ex feel unsafe and forced him or her to block you.
But if your ex blocked you for no reason out of the blue, then know that your ex will probably unblock you later. Most dumpers do because they realize they treated their ex way worse than their ex deserved to be treated.
If you have no means of showing your ex the new you, you probably won’t be able to show your ex that it’s safe to reach out to you. But that’s okay because you won’t need to. Your ex will reach out when he or she wants to or needs to. In other words, you’ll hear from your ex when your ex feels it’s safe to reach out or when something or someone forces your ex to reach out.
That someone could be the person your ex dates after you.
So don’t worry about proving your worth to your ex. You have nothing to prove in no contact. You just need to heal so that when your ex gets hurt, you look as attractive as you possibly can. Keep in mind that dumpers want to be with someone strong and reliable.
Strength attracts them as it helps them deal with their problems.
Should you lose hope?
You should never wait for your ex to come back to you. You just don’t know if your ex will come back tomorrow, in ten years, or never. Nobody knows when and if your ex will have an epiphany. It’s the uncertainty that makes breakups so difficult.
The indefinite no contact rule should, however, make you realize that your ex shouldn’t be the main source of your happiness and that you’ve got plenty of people in your life who appreciate you for who you are. They may not make you feel that you can’t go on without them, but that’s because you weren’t in love with them.
You didn’t have a romantic connection with them.
Right now, you want your ex back because you’re hurt and still value your ex. But once indefinite no contact helps you lose hope, that could change very quickly. You could enjoy your new life and love yourself so much that you stop waiting for your ex to come back.
That’s why you should wait for your ex for as long as your mind tells you to hold on to hope. Once you detach and stop feeling hopeful, don’t deliberately look for more hope. Try to focus on yourself instead so that you can attract new romantic opportunities and enjoy everything life has to offer.
Do you agree that the best no contact rule is the indefinite no contact rule? Share your thoughts and experiences with this rule in the comment section below.
And if you want to talk to us about the indefinite no contact in private, sign up for coaching here.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Your no contact rule suggestion works great if you have no children but what if you have kids?
Hi Mark.
There’s an article for that too. It’s called No Contact Rule With Kids Involved
Best regards,
Zan
Thank you for this insightful article. It is very helpful as I recently broke up with my ex-boyfriend (+ he seemed to have moved on with someone else already, which hurts so much) , however I am a bit confused about this statement: “Time is a good factor, but when you’ve waited far too long, chances are they will have moved on.” What does “when YOU’ve waited” mean ? I mean, the article seems to encourage us precisely not to do anything and I struggle to understand whether we should wait and not to anything, or if, in the contrary, there is something we can actually DO to make sure they do not forget us completely and maybe end up missing us.
I also do not understand how on one hand no-contact can help the dumpee move on AND on the other hand, make the dumper maybe realize his mistake. I find it quite contradictory. Why would absence makes the heart grow fonder on the dumper’s side, while having the opposite effect on the dumpee’s side ?
Any recommendation or clarification on this issue would be welcomed ! Thank you very much 🙂
Hi Amy.
I meant to say that no contact can have a positive effect on the dumper, but time alone can’t make him realize the dumpee’s worth and force him to fall in love. Time is merely something that allows the dumper to explore his options/himself and get himself into trouble.
No contact essentially helps the dumpee detach and forces the dumper to realize he’s taken his ex for granted. The dumpee suffers right after the breakup whereas the dumper suffers when his expectations fail to manifest and hurt him.
I hope this helps.
Kind regards,
Zan
I don’t know how to go no contact. She still lives in my house and we have a child together. She will be moving out, but we have to see each other because of the kids.
Hi Chris.
Reduce contact to a minimum and talk only about the most essential things, such as finances and kids.
Zan
Nothing was wrong in our relationship. It was great. He had life circumstances (parent death/pandemic) that overwhelmed him. He freaked out and said he had to end the relationship because his world was falling apart. He is a little on the spectrum and an introvert. He has done this before (right after our first date) and was afraid to reach back out. It took him nine months. None of the internet articles fit my situation. He is not on any social media. In 60+ years, I am only the third person he has been with. He isn’t going to go find a new person. I handled the breakup with love, and respect. I was pretty impressed with how emotionally mature my response was, considering how heartbroken I felt. I’m moving on, but it’s such a shame. We were so compatible. I would love to get back together with him, but I also don’t want to validate this behavior. It’s not ok to make a decision that impacts us both so dramatically, without even discussing it with me. I got a two sentence email informing me he was ending it. It’s not ok to just pop back up months later and expect me to take him right back. I am at a loss for how to handle it, when he tries to reconnect. I love him and want to be with him, but…..
Hello, your comment here touched me and I wonder how you are doing today? I wish you the best!
I’m moving on, but only to a point. I still haven’t gone so far (sleeping with somebody else) that it would impair our chance at getting back together. To me, that is a sign that I still have some work to do, healing. I do know that I won’t be able to take him back if he can’t see us ever living together. It felt so good being with him that rekindled my desire to be in a relationship again. I was happily dating for ten years, but now I want to live with somebody I love. If that can’t be us, then I am better off moving forward. I did get a email notice that showed he reopened my last email to him, near Christmas. I really feel like he still wants to be with me, but can’t see how. At the very least, I hope someday he can explain to me what happened.
He called. He caught me off guard. I was happy because it was my birthday. Instead of telling him all the things left unsaid for the last 6.5 months, I started right in with how great my day was going and how fun my plans were for the evening. We talked for 4 hours. He just had his first covid shot. The pandemic was a big part of the reason he felt overwhelmed. He is in Europe, with his family. That is when he misses me the most. I have to stick to my guns about what I posted above. I can’t be lured in by his kindness, respect, and attraction towards me. It took a lot of tears and exercise to get through that breakup. Do I want to become emotionally invested again? Did he grow? Does he see himself making me a bigger part of his life? I think I need to see him face to face to know the answer. Until then, I’m keeping my heart in check.
Well, 5 months have passed. What’s happened since April? I’m very curious if you’ve been strong and have successfully gotten what you deserve.
also curious!
After my ex gf and I split it took close to a month to begin the indefinite no contact period. Because she was taking forever to return some personal items! No nothing I was in a dire overnight emergency for, but still wanted it all back ……sometime! First she promised it would be returned on this day. Than on that day. Then the following weekend. Nothing. Finally I blew up (texting wise) and insisted. Finally she abided. And I had to remind her this is all part of the closure process discussed. Right? Now we’re going on close to 2 months NC
My ex and I broke up about a month ago after he got in a fight when we were leaving the reception of my brothers wedding. He was drunk and the arguments (with words this time) escalated following the fight. He called his family out of anger to involve them as we were leaving the reception. Finally things settled down and we went to Nashville (as we had planned months before the wedding) since it was on our drive home. We ended up enjoying our time in Nashville despite everything that took place. When we came home, we knew we would have difficult conversations with our families. He was worried my family could not get past what happened even though my family said they would support whatever choice I made. His family seemed to have things to say about me though – he never acted this way before dating her, etc. I didn’t give anyone a reason to doubt myself nor my character, but people seemed very doubtful anyway, which is a shame because we had a very loving relationship with support of both of our families upfront. From the beginning, he was all in and made it clear he was in it for the long haul, telling me he thought I was the one and making that clear to his family as well. After difficult conversations with family members, we decided to take a three week break to let the situation cool down, so he could get his mental health on track and be a man I deserve in his own words. He even said he loves me still. I didn’t want the break but I respected what he needed for the sake of his mental health. Two days letter he sends me messages in the middle of the night saying we are done for good and he never wants to speak to me ever again – that in two days of reflection he realized this relationship was not right (even though we hadn’t had any major arguments up until the night of my brothers wedding due to his behavior). I tried to reach out to him the morning I woke up, having sent a few messages in return but have given him his space since. He removed me on Facebook, but kept my family and friends and has liked things my mom has posted. He hasn’t deleted me off of Snapchat, however, and views almost everything I post. Him doing this recently has set me back emotionally so I have deactivated my social media for the time being. I haven’t made any attempts to reach out but I hope I do hear from him one day either for the closure I deserve/apology or to works towards a reconciliation.
Did you stay strong in no contact? What, if anything, happened?
Hi All,
My GF of 7 years broke up with me almost 2 months ago. I am 53 she is 49. We were very close. Even looked for a place to live and planned getting married about a year and a half ago. We were just waiting for her daughter to graduate HS. Now she is a senior. She said she didn’t have those same feelings anymore.That after 7 years she should. And it wasn’t fair to either one of us. We really had lots of fun together. Lots of traveling and day trips. After the first 3month , I asked her if could get my things from her house. We talked just a little. I was telling her I respected her decision and was working on some anxiety issues and needy issues. She teared up a little. I told her the hard part was sharing so much and then all of a sudden nothing , cut off. We hugged and I left. 2 weeks later I did text her a little something that reminded me of her that was funny. She text me back , Thats funny LOL .
But that was it. I have not reached out any other time. I wrote a letter . But have not sent it. It basically said that I agree the breakup was best for both of us and me to learn and grow from it. Below is the letter I had written it BTW.
Any suggestions are appreciated
Letter
Hi!
I hope you are well. I just wanted to let you know that I have taken some time to think about things and I agree that breakup was the best decision for both of us. At the time our relationship was not at its best and I needed this breakup to learn more about myself and figure out where it went wrong.
I realized I made a few mistakes in the relationship and I am learning from them. I know I had needy issues and anxiety for a while. With help I realized why that was and have opened my eyes on what I really was feeling and how to grow from them. I also came to see that I didn’t really need you in my life to be the best me. I just appreciated and desired to have you in my life for all the wonderful things you brought to it. I don’t want to repeat those same mistakes in the future and affect any of my future relationships. So I have taken steps to become a more confident better me. I know that I am in a better place both mentally and physically and on the right track.
That being said, how have you been? I would love to catchup with you someday and honestly, I miss speaking with you and sharing things with you. Would be nice just to have some laughs. Nice and easy . If you are not comfortable with that, I completely understand.
Me
sorry after the first month not 3month is when I asked to get my things.
Dude, don’t send that. I know it hurts. We are of similar age and I am also going through a similar breakup. Turn, walk away, and NEVER look back. Walk away with your head held high. No CONTACT forever. She does not deserve an iota of your attention or concern. I hired people to retrieve my things. I made a list and told ’em to go get the stuff. I did not want to cause either of us any additional anxiety. And truly, there was nothing there that I couldn’t have lived without or easily replaced. BTW, there are some really amazing and great single women out there. Your ex did you a big favor. You are FREE. You might not realize it just yet, but your life is gonna get much better.
Great reply and advice Hank 👍💗
You like me fell into the trap of buying a ‘How to get your Ex back Program’. That letter is a straight copy of one of the examples he uses. I’ve thought about it but stayed strong and have not sent one. I don’t know what to do tbh, this whole break-up scenario is a complete head f***! We all make mistakes, my ex wasn’t perfect but I forgave her. Shame it can’t be said the other way around. I’m just going to go no contact until/if she reaches out. She has sent one message saying “good to see your making yourself a better human being” but then blocked me straight after, so that just confused the hell out of me. When you love someone that much that you can’t breathe without them it’s the hardest thing in the world to just walk away and pretend they don’t exist.
Hello John, we are close in age. Respectfully, IMO, everything abot that letter says please take me back. Again my opinion. I’d say, she knows where you are. If you choose to attempt to contact her approach her like a date or a friendly get together, I’d suggest that you just do it with confidence like a first date and not dwell on the past relationship and tell her how you’ve healed. Show her you have healed. Of course the best way to show her may be to go to a first date with someone else. I wish you the best.
My ex bf broke up with me mid Aug when he went back to his hometown. We were together for almost 6 months. We were okay before he left. After one argument he just decided to break up with me. He said that I go back to my old self. He thinks that when I went out with my lady friends for a night out he thought i was getting back to my old habit.
He just started telling me that is really the kind of person i am, that i am acting like a teenager and has no sense of responsibility. He even sent me a photo of him and his kid citing what responsibility means. I begged and chased him for almost three weeks. I tried NC a couple of times but i only lasted a day. The thing is he always tell me that “im setting you free for you to be happy coz u are not happy with me.”, “i want you happy and u will be happy with someone else”, “i cannot make you happy”, “im sacrificing my happiness for you”. “I wish you all the best. Remember that you will have a great spot in my heart always”.
It was hard to accept. Coz i know i am happy with him. I tried blocking and unblocking him. I found out that he is adding women in his social media and started chatting with women again. Today is my 3rd day of NC. Ive managed to control myself from thinking about him but yes i still do miss him. I blocked him on fb and messenger. I deleted his number on whatsapp and IMO. It’s been three days and seems like he will never miss me nor think about me at all. I was really sad, devastates and broken. Each day is a struggle esp during the first two wks. But every time i miss him, i just cry my heart out and talk to God. I prayed to God that if he is not the one for me and if we are never getting back together, then allow me to just move on and be free frlm all these pain and hurt. It works. After crying and praying, i feel a lot better.
I really have no idea if he is still coming back to me. Some of his stuff are left here. I told him that ill have it shipped but instead he said give to charity. Im torn. I really dont know what to think anymore.
Hii .. me and my husband had major argument due to his mother.. he left me with my 1month girl .. infact he did not come to see her since her birth .. itz more than 4 months of no contact now. Both of us never tried to contact. He blocked me then unblocked me ..n used to see my every status update . While I refused to see his stories .. now since one month I have blocked him n his whole family.. but still he used to see stories of my father bock n unblock my parents .. but neither he texted me nor he called..
I wish to share my story with you and hear your thoughts. My ex (32F) broke up with me (40M) after 5 years together due to marriage not being anywhere on the horizon and familial resistance that made it too big a wall to climb for her. Besides those, I feel we had a deep connection between us.
She broke up with me in person and I did all the post breakup mistake in trying to convince her otherwise, including reasoning with her and later calling her mean names (I apologized the next day). Then she stopped replying to my messages (but did not block me). I respected her decision but did reach out again after a month. She never replied and I suffered a massive mental setback because of that. Last week I texted a simple happy birthday out of genuine wish to do so (despite her not doing the same for my 40th). She gave a simple thank you and that was it.
It has been 2 months since the break-up and a few weeks since I last tried to reach out. I am now following the indefinite NC rule (as she obviously has from Day one). Her complete lack of response suggests that she is serious about moving on and that I should do the same. I have kept myself busy with work and gym. I am also going out on dates which at the moment is tough as thoughts of her still crowd my mind. It’s sad all those years of laughter and chats can vanish just like that as if she never existed.
Anyone have any advice or words of comfort?
Bottom line, I wouldn’t expect to hear from her anytime soon. Reaching out after a month was probably not the right call. However, not all hope is lost. She is clearly not into you at the moment, and it will take a fair while for that feeling to fade. She may just not contact you again depending on how long you chased her for and for how long you made her feel uncomfortable. Wait for her to contact you, never initiate contact again, this is the only chance you have as anymore chasing will scare her away forever.
Gman
Thank you for your comment. I will continue with NC.
Additionally she still has access to (and occasionally uses) my Netflix account. She likely thinks I am not aware of this. I have left it be due to the difficult circumstances (covid/isolation and breakup). She also accesses them often at strange hours (2-4AM). I’m torn between extending that access to her (she may need it and it costs me nothing extra) or withdrawing it silently (in the spirit of no contact but making me feel spiteful). I’d like your thoughts on this.
Why would you make her benefit of your stuff while she is treating you like crap? It’s your total right to change the password to prevent her from access to your account.
She didn’t tell you hbd. She doesn’t answer your messages and she doesn’t reach out to you or ask how you are. It is obvious that she doesn’t value you at all. Try to move on completely. I know it’s easier said than done. But you must respect yourself at all costs. If you don’t respect yourself, your ex won’t respect you either (and she already isn’t).
DDhar,
Its Gman, Sorry I didn’t see your comment. Firstly I wanted to check up on you and ask how you are coping/moving on? Secondly, take her off your Netflix, get her out your life. Lastly, I just wanted to say I know how difficult it is to move on from an ex but it will not serve you to constantly reflect on the past. Continue no contact and good luck man enjoy life!
Gman
Thanks, Gman for your words.
I am doing OK as I keep busy with work and gym. I live with my brother and a friend so I can talk to them. I am also hanging out with someone new but admittedly I’m not yet ready as loneliness still grips me. It’s almost 3 months post breakup.
This breakup is actually our second time. The first one was last year due to a major argument. The difference was we contacted each other within the week (not clear who was the dumpee and dumper) and we reconciled within the month. However, the issue remained unresolved. I wanted her to apologise to my family for causing commotion at my place and for us to seek counselling. She refused every time I raised the subject. As a result, I could never invite her to my family gatherings (which would only result in open confrontation) and I started to have doubts on marrying her (unresolved issues). She eventually tired of waiting and called it off.
I know that I have to look forward and never look back. My mind however is torn. Though she was the dumper and I the dumpee, she said I lacked the courage to end it (perhaps?) and so she had to do it (bullshit?). I suspect too she was pressured by her family to cut it off and find someone else more willing to jump onto the marriage wagon. She enforced no contact from day one and I have been forced to do the same (after reaching out a total of 2 times). I truly wanted her as my wife but it seems to wrong/dangerous now to reach out for any reason.
p.s. She is no longer using my Netflix account as of last week (probably got a new account or someone else’s). She is still viewing my Whatsapp status updates but I do not want to block/delete her (as she clearly has not). This is our only channel of communication as none of us are active on social media.
My ex dumped me almost 4 weeks ago. We’re used to watch Netflix on my account at her house, and a few nights ago i signed on at my house and she had created a profile, which i saw when i went to the “who’s viewing” screen to choose my profile. I looked to the access list and it was her device at her house, the night before. I didn’t realize you could also see what each account watched, or I’d have checked that. I immediately deleted her profile, chose the sign out everywhere option and changed my password. Don’t be a tool… she left you DURING THE PANDEMIC. She should get NO benefits, even TV. Remove her access.
Hi,
So when my ex and I ended things we decided to stay bestfriends and because of that we talk several time a day and are peaceful with each other. How do I establish no contact in such a situation? because I have tried that before but he ends up texting me since we decided to remain friends
Hi Stacy.
If you want to be friends with him, simply text him back and start a conversation with him. But if being friends with him is not what you want, it may be for the best that you don’t contact him anymore.
Best regards,
Zan
Omg I was in a similar situation, he wanted to be friends instead of a couple, I pulled the rug and told him rather not contact me for a bit let me heal then we can decide. It has been a month today. Haven’t heard anything yet ;(
Hi there – my ex and I broke up late aug. I did 2.5 months of NC. I slowly rebuilt rapport from Nov-end of Jan (was going really well) then boom, three no responses in a row. It was very positive, with her using a ton of punctuation, upbeat tone, and emoji’s. Now I’m not sure what to do. She is both anxious and avoidant. Pursuing her was brutal before we dated (for a year), I had to lead every convo, she was extremely hard to get to open up. The first few dm’s she read, went and liked an IG pic of mine but never answered…she claimed when we dated it was because I was attractive and intimidating. Then one day she replied to a story and we were off to the races. She was very anxious during our relationship (I was part of the problem, wasn’t very emotionally available due to some family issues that have been resolved and didn’t give her the relationship affirmations she needed). I know she loved me, and I loved her too despite telling her that too late.
So here I am, 1 month and a week since my last no response..2 months from the last time we texted. She doesn’t seem like the type that would reach out even if she wanted to as the avoidant side to her keeps her from confronting anything that might cause her pain.
Any advice would be welcomed and appreciated. Indefinite no contact is something I’ve strongly considered, but I’m not sure she would reach out given she’s extremely emotional/fearful. She had a rough upbringing without a biological father.
Hi Cj,
Firstly let me know how you are coping i’m interested to see how you are doing. If you want my honest opinion here goes. You have to let go, I understand that you want this girl back. However by pursuing and being available after things ended shows a lack of respect for her freedom and a level of desperation. You have shown your interest and intent and it is up to her to come back to you in her own time when she is ready. From what I’ve read you may well have put her off for good so don’t expect to hear from her. I mean the answer is in the message you wrote: ‘ She dated you because you were attractive and intimidating’. In order to create this again you need to take a step back, go NC forever and never look back. If you hear from her great and if you don’t, great. There are plenty of people out there and chasing after someone that doesn’t seem to interested at this time is pointless and degrading.
Good luck,
Gman
Hello !! The indefinite no contact rule makes absolute sense to me. A wonderful concept and a wonderful article. However, I have a slight problem. Me and my Ex work in the same place and we are on the same project. In fact I am her superior and so have to help, guide and advice her on the project on a day to day basis. How do I maintain no contact in this kind of a situation ? I really love her, and have to try really hard to keep a straight face but I manage. Any advice on this would be more than welcomed.
Hi Shaz.
Thank you for commenting.
I wrote an article for those who work with their ex too. Check it out. 😊
https://magnetofsuccess.com/how-to-do-no-contact-when-you-work-with-your-ex/
Kind regards,
Zan
He wanted to stay I touch. I was happy at first but it got too much for me.
I said I could not deal with the odd text of how are you and me replying OK. And then that if untill he texted again. So we agreed that we would say good bye.
Will the no contact rule work here or is it to late
Regards Julie
How are you today ?
Hello, my 4 year relationship (2 more years before as best friends from school), ended mutually 1 week ago. We are 23 yo.
It was a long distance relationship for the most part. We were for real family, i was like a child to his family.
We build our relationship from the beginning on truly mutual feelings and very slow. Both of us first time in love.
At the end we got to the point where we mostly felt anxiety in the relationship bc of the distance and the need to explore our lives without thinking where or when, and “what will i do with mu relationship”
We still want like crazy to continue our journey together, go trips and stuff as we always did.
We for real need time to understand our “faults”, and find ourselves, but we are really in love.
I know no contact rule for starters, but seriously we BOTH want each other in our lives, what are the next steps..
Generally our relationship was so real and beautiful, of course we had our conflicts and fights though.
Now we’re healing so we haven’t talked to each other.
Hi July.
As you may know, it has to be your ex’s idea to converse with you and come back to you.
So go no contact and stay there no matter how much you miss your ex and want him back.
Best wishes,
Zan
I broke up with my ex in November last year, and I have now wanted her back. We have been in touch with each other up until 2 weeks ago, and I thought deep down we would get back together, alas two weeks ago I found she had recently started dating someone, and is now doing lock down together (so sharing a flat for possibly 2-3 months!) I confessed my feelings to her, and how I had made a mistake. Part of me thinks it is just a rebound, as we were so in love and it was intense, but also I made the decision to end it.
As soon as I knew she was dating, I wished her the best for it, and have not spoken since. If I do indefinite NC, will she come back to me one day?
Mark,
Hi Tim.
Nobody knows for sure. It depends on what the girl goes through and whether their relationship is any good. It could indeed be a rebound.
Also, if you’ve told her that you want her back, that’s all you could have done. The rest is in her hands.
Best,
Zan
i have been going through your posts and are very encouraging.I need your assistance.We have been in love with this guy for the past 14 years.We met during my college years during my attachment but we never got into a relationship for he never proposed formally.He left the country for Canada and we would communicate via email and he would tell me that he loved me ,,,,,well jokingly and i would laugh it off since he had never really proposed.So we would email each other occassionally..sometimes after 3 months 4 months up to February last year when he gave me his Whatsapp number.he then told me that he has been in love since 2008 and i told him i have been in love with him as well.The feelings over the years were quite strong for both of us….Then when we opened up about our feelings last year,we ended up dating,though its a long distance.The first 4 months things were okay.the 5th month we had a major argument.I lied to him in the process,telling him that the message that i had sent to him which caused the argument was related to the past,not present because i didnt want to upset him further.But he knew i was lying and i kept it like that and confessed 4 days later because i didnt want to argue anymore i wanted to come clean.He is very principled and he was very upset and called for a break. .The other time we had a family issue where i was not directly involved but i got really affected for it involved my brothers.I didnt want to talk about it so i just said to my boyfriend its a work issue,but i then opened up to him a month after when i had settled and told him about our family issues.again he took it badly again and said i lied to him twice. So since June we have been on a break and i sometimes we would go into no contact for a week or ,the other time i tried 10 days but he would initiate conversations and i would intiate but general ones and we would end up talking about the break and he woudl end up shouting saying i lied.All ur conversations during the break were via text.he only called twice in November.So i would explain to him that i think we are misundersstanding each other via texts ,how about trying to resolve our issues through calls or video chats.In the process he accused me of so many things saying i am vengeful,i dont listen,i lash out.i didnt respect him when i lied.everytime he would say this.He would say he has heard my apologies and is trying to forgive me.he said he loved me and missed me.So in December ,we almost had a reconnection which lasted 2 weeks..we were talking intimately but not yet reconciled.but he got upset when he went 5 days without replying my messages and i wasnt sure what was happening and he said why did you speculate on my mind and he said you have killed the vibe.So since December he has been mostly cold though once in a while he would initiate.we would even go fo days without talking at all.Then 2 weeks ago i asked if we could give our relationship a try and he replied 2 days after saying he is nolonger interested in pursuing a relationship with me other than what we have.he says the reason is that i lied and other issues.he says he loves me and has not lost ineterest but he is failing to forgive me.he says he has tried for months to forgive me but failed.so he has stopped trying.he says he has not given up but he has stopped putting energy into forgiving me.He says maybe it was not meant to be now but another time for us to be together.Then i said its okay.He then said he lost the soulmate connection when i lied.Then the next day he sent me a chat saying i also lost favour with him because i never asked him about his child .Then he says he thinks i was not ready ready for this relationship maybe another time.So what hurts me whilst i acknowledge that i lied and i have been apologising since June last year.i feel some of the accusations are too much.He is strict and he easily gets upset.if you send him a message and delete he would get angry and say i dont like people who delete messages.when talking to him if you use a short cut letter for s=example you say ‘,k’ instead of okay he would really get upset.even when you were joking with him,he would use any joke on you and say for example ‘long face” to you but the moment you say ahh ”k” trying to also joke he would take it personal and say you are vengeful.So because of this i would avoid trying to upset him and thats the reason why i had to say when i lied to him no the message was in the past and not present because i just wanted the argument to end because he really gets anry and he will shut you out when angry.So i tried to explain all this and he says i dont believe you at all.I love him and i wish he could believe me and want us to reconnect but i dont knwo how to do do this.He says he is not going to delete my messages,photos or any chat or cut contact. he says we chat whenever but he is not talking to him.last week i wrote him a mssage asking if we could talk via voice and he said he is at work but can message but he then sent another message 20 minutes later saying he is free to talk .he called 20 minutes later but the connection was bad.he says lets chat and said send a voice note..so i sent one asking for forgiveness and also asking him to tell me the other things i did wrong since he keeps saying they are many and he replied with a message saying he has closed that door and he would rather not tell me because of what it leads to .he says i always end up saying he is trying to find faults in me so he doesnt want that.so he is happy with the way things are right now but i didnt want to chat i wanted a voice call because i feel messages have been misunderstood a lot.so he says he will be free to talk next week or a week after.i dont know what to do should i talj to him.should i go no contact him…………..sorry it was a long message.i have never had someone to talk to.
Indefinite-INDEFINITE-NC!!! & then hit REPEAT😭
On GAWD!!!
I can smell the TOXIC fumes all the way over here👀
We recently ended a relationship (we actually never said we broke up) I cought her lying to me a few times, and I forgot her and carried on with our relationship. We’re coworkers so we see each other every day, sometimes I used to go to her office and she would turn off her cell phone’s screen so that and other things started to make me a jealous guy (I was never like that before) long story short, at the end she only saw the negative in me ( and I pointed that out) even on things she did too. After about 2 weeks our break up, I saw her meeting with another guy and French kissing, so it wasn’t something new. This right out side work, it turns out that the guy is an old boyfriend…. I sent her a text thanking her for showing me her true self and also thanking her for the good things we shared. I don’t want to get back with her, as now I realise that she is used to rebound relationships (I was one and the guy before me too) and that she never stopped flirting with other people (I’m 40 she’s 31) at first I was upset, but now I’m happy, I see myself laughing everyday and people at work have noticed this (I’m a very social guy always in a good mood, but with her I was a bit down at times) anyway, I feel grateful for the breakup since she wasn’t going to change or commit to the relationship. But my question is, should I say hello to her at work? We’re in a no contact rule, and soft blocked (she blocked me from Facebook which she doesn’t use and I stopped following her on Instagram) she hasn’t blocked me on WhatsApp (yet lol) should I say “hello” just to show that I’m cool with everything and I’m civilised? Or should I just ignore her until the day she might want to talk? ( the last time I wrote her, the day I saw her with the other guy, I told her I was not mad and I hoped someday we could talk again in person, and until that day I wished her the best)
Thank you for everything, I love the content
Indefinite no contact. Where do you see “hello?” In that?
I’m not sure if this qualifies as a breakup, as we never really defined what we were…
We met when I came off a bad relationship and she was going through a divorce. For the first year we knew each other it was mostly lunch/dinner dates, daily texting and calls. We got along incredibly well and by the second year we got into a sexual but still casual relationship (never referred to each other as boyfriend or girlfriend) and still continued to see each other a lot and do things together. By the summer of ‘19 I needed to focus a little more on work and where I wanted/needed to be in life and she could sense something was wrong, and later that night texted me asking if I thought I needed a break
I said that sounded great, I needed time to plan and think about some things. She said “omg yes!! Thank you I feel the same way!”
We continued to hang out and chat daily, texts, memes, jokes, inside jokes, dinner and lunch meets, me sending texts and emails from work and photos of where I was. The flow never changed until 12/4…
I sent her a photo and she replied saying she had met a guy 2 months ago and while it was new, she felt she had to treat it like a relationship and respect that. I asked her if she wanted me to delete her number or contact to leave her alone and she said “no, that’s a bit drastic don’t you think?”
Well, two days later I wrote her back after mulling it over. I told her I was backing away to give her space to let that grow. I then proceeded to tell her how beautiful she was to me inside and out and always would be, and that she would always have a special place in my heart, and that I was grateful for every second we had together and I’d understand if she did not want to see or hear from me again and wished her well.
Three weeks later and she has not said a peep. Two years almost of daily contact and laughs vanish. Did I do the right thing? If I stay silent indefinitely, will I ever hear from her again? Was starting no contact the right thing to do? Thank you so much
Mike,
Absolutely, you did the right thing. Stay in indefinite no contact. She already gave you the answer you seek. It is very clear that she chose the other guy over you. Despite all the good stuff, her decision was not to be with you and, therefore, she did not love you. Forget about it and move on.
Over a month now, still nothing. Scary to think a person can be forgotten and erased that easily.
Hey Mike, I was abandoned 2 months ago and I remain in NO CONTACT! It is the WORST feeling I have ever felt! I know how you feel. My situation was different as he said nothing to me. Keep your dignity and go forever no contact. It hurts but each day you heal. I will never hear from my ex as you may. I wake up empty and sad but I go to the gym and keep busy. I went out last night and met a nice man and we may go out again but it is still too early for me to have a relationship but it is nice having someone to have fun with.
Trust me, you WILL get through this! Baby steps and NO CONTACT! : )
You are NOT forgotten. Do NOT reach out.
If I learned one thing from my breakup is that I should have walked the minute she dumped me. I did everything wrong trying to get her back but the one thing that I regret the very most not doing is not saying, “goodbye” and never looking back. Have some faith in yourself and walk. Do not contact her in any way. Just walk. Cry your eyes. Get mad. And cry some more. Go out with your friends and date someone even just for something to do… BUT WALK. I firmly believe that if I had that she’d probably would have come back on her own. Begging and pleading just made her realize that she could have me back when SHE wanted to come back because I was waiting for her. I should have never given her the satisfaction of knowing that I was waiting. Please. Just walk.
My relationship of 11 months wasn’t going well. I felt stressed by my girlfriend wanting me to aknowledge her love for me, I couldn’t answer in the way she wanted. I’m 31 (she 23) and she was my first girlfriend. I did alot of mistakes, and I had a behaviour that I’m working on to change.
At last she had enough, she was very insecure about our relationship, and I couldn’t really help to make her feel that she was the love of my life or likewise. So the day after having a little breakdown of thinking I had hooked up with someone else (I never did), she said that she had enough and wanted to break up. She insisted on that we should meet.
The day after we met at my place, she said that she had fell out of love and she had starting having “non-loyal thoughts” (whilst remembering her saying this it hurts alot). She explained that she wanted me to be with someone I loved (I had 3 weeks prior told her that I thought the problem was that I wasn’t in love with her, even though I’m pretty sure I love her, now its been almost 2 months after breaking up, and 1 month of no contact).
I don’t blame her for breaking up. What could she had done with all the things that had happened.
After we had the talk it was very loving, we both cried and she spent the night. The day after.. I didn’t really know that I’d never see her again. She sent a photo of us, and she said she missed me etc.
But then I panicked. My insecurities came out and I pushed her away. pleaded and begged. She eventually told me that she moved on and that I should to. And that I shouldn’t contact her no more and respect her decision.
I told her that I knew exactly how she felt (this is how I felt for a long time during the relationship!) and appoligized for dragging it out.
Then a few days later she sent me a text, I followed my friends advice and answered. No reply. I felt ill, very ill.
2 weeks after this I sent a snap. No reply. I felt very ill. Extremly ill.
Now its been almost 4 weeks since that last reaching out. And I’m still in pain. No contact since. I really did my self i disservice. I removed her from facebook and Snapchat by suggestion of a friend.
I still think about her everyday. I even cried as late of yesterday. I feel extremly sad and lonely. I wish that I would have handled the break up better, then I probably wouldn’t be were I am. It feels as though I’m still connected to and loyal to her and that a lot of things that went wrong was due to communication errors. But maybe it is that some people just aint a match for eachother.
I clearly having a problem moving on, especially when she’d been so nice to me during the relationship and even with the breakup somewhat. But I’m completely heartbroken. It feels like I pushed her in the arms of another man and I don’t know how to cope with this and the thought of her being with another (I know that some of my personal traits that came out was being a bit possesive. I wish that it wasn’t so, but I wasn’t prepared for the break up I guess, I wish I had known what to do earlier).
She was madly in love with me, I didn’t know what to do with it. She broke up, now with other guys. And I’m just heartbroken and spending almost an hour of the day meditating to try to control my thoughts and feelings. I exercise everyday and eating healthy, no drugs. But am I missing something. How can I remove this power that I have given to this other person? I really made it easy for her.. Thx
Looking for some advice – my ex and I have been together for five years and have always been very in love and on the whole happy together. We planned out our lives together and often spoke about marriage and children and future plans, all of our family and friends and ourselves included thought that we would be together forever, it was never really in question. Over the past year we have changed quite a bit, but my changes have been due to deep rooted anxieties which have effected my behaviour without me even realising / being able to identify this. It has led me to be quite unpleasant to my boyfriend at times who has always remained very patient and understanding with me. A large part of this for me was because 8 months ago he decided to leave his job and had a period of unemployment which I found quite difficult as I my anxieties are very connected to change and uncertainty. 4 months ago he was offered his dream job which is in a very intense industry meaning he would be working long hours and would often be away. While I was pleased for him, my own anxieties around change and uncertainly once again took centre stage and I acted quite selfishly and made everything very much about myself rather than him, including being reluctant to adapt to his new work lifestyle. Things finally reached a breaking point (with more and more arguments coming from my side) and after being quiet with me for a week or so he told me he felt he needed us to go on a break. I refused to do this, citing that we needed to work on these issues together rather than apart, he agreed to try this but 2 days later he broke up with saying that he feels our lives are going in different directions and that while he still loves me he hasn’t loved us and for the first time in 5 years he hasn’t felt sure about us having a future together.
I understand his reasoning, and based on my behaviour I can understand why he feels like this, however what I have realised since we broke up is just how connected all my behaviours have been to my own unrecognised anxieties around change and uncertainly. Since breaking up I have begun having therapy to address these issues which has been incredibly helpful but has highlighted again to me that I have lost the love of my life through my own behaviours.
Family and friends on both sides have been devastated by the breakup, I know that my ex has not spoken at length to many people about it other than to say that he isn’t in the mental headspace to be with me and doesn’t want me to think we will just get back together, but has no interest in getting with or dating anyone else either. Since breaking up 4 weeks ago we haven’t text/called however I have bumped into him twice, the second time just a week ago in which we spoke for 15 mins or so. It was great to see him and we had a lovely catch up but when I turned the conversation to us and asked how he was doing he said that he isn’t in the mental headspace to be with me/anyone and that having been with me all his adult life he needs to now be on his own and doesn’t;t want to be unfair to me by saying that that feeling may change as he doesn’t think it will. I said that we should probably meet up and speak properly in a few weeks and he said that would be ok. I know that he has since told friends that he intends to move out of the area we both live in and has also spoken to work about moving abroad.
I haven’t contacted him since I bumped into him a week ago and am trying to hold myself to not doing that while I focus on myself and make improvements but it feels like he is just doing fine and I question if he misses me at all, despite being best friends and so in love for 5 years. I will wait to see if he contacts me to meet up in a few weeks but do feel like we have a lot to talk about. The problem is that I don’t think he is going to change his mind at all.
Does anyone have any advice?
Hey Lucy, I am sorry to hear your story. I am not an expert, but I think that since the guy said that he is not ready to speak about your relationship, I don’t think meeting him will do any good to you. I think he will just be more anxious about this meeting and will associate you even more with that kind of feeling. Most probably he will be more articulated in that meeting, but I don’t expect any change. I think that even if you try to explain him that you understood that your behavior was not great, I still think that won’t change his opinion. You had a 5 years relationship and he decided to end it. That must have a been a very difficult decision for him, so don’t expect him to change his opinion because of some logical explanation. I honestly don’t think there is much you can do, except giving him space and time until it is him to reach out (if that ever happens). Just work on accepting the situation and making peace with yourself. It’s not your fault things went like that. Life just happens. Take care!
Hi Lucy,
It was surreal reading your comment, as I am going through a very, very similar situation (5.5 years with a sudden breakup, imminent plans for a proposal, my personal anxieties being triggered over the past few months, both our families being devastated by the news, etc…).
I’m curious – how have things been going? Did you end up meeting up with him?
I have had similar struggles / internal debates on whether I should reach out. All rational advice says no, but it’s not easy to resist because I keep thinking thoughts along the lines of…. “but I know him better than any blog or advice column….. our situation is different….”. In reality, I know this isn’t the truth but I feel so out of my element in dealing with this breakup.
How have things been going for you over the past few months? I would really love to know and glean some advice on whether or not you met up with him. In hindsight, was whichever decision you made the right one?
Thanks,
Sara
How about together for ten years? sudden break-up, No-contact, no closure. Men and women are fickle this way. I cried for three years trying to figure out where I went wrong. Finally I am truly indifferent to her. Funny you spell your name the same way she did. Anyway, lot’s of fish in the sea, don’t sell yourself short!
Going through the same thing myself, I also take responsibility for the mistakes that I made but I also think that she had mistakes of her own, ones that were never acknowledged on her part. This left a scar, it has been 2 weeks since the break up and I’m miserable. I feel like when she was depressed last month, the time I kept begging her to communicate. She must have moaned our relationship before she ended it bcs shes unaffected by it. Worst of all we have a son and she is expecting another child.
She left me during her 1st pregnancy as she lost interest in me, then ended up getting in touch with an ex boyfriend. So I did a DNA test without her consent. Which is why she decided to dump me this time. It’s like this cycle is repeating itself. I see no way reconciling bcs she is cold during interactions ND barely responds let alone look me in the eye