In this post, we’ll compare the indefinite no contact rule to the 30-day no contact rule. We’ll explain which works best and what you should be doing during the no contact period.
Some of you may know that I’m an advocate of the indefinite no contact rule because it’s the only rule that actually makes sense. All other rules are not rules at all. They’re techniques random people on the internet came up with to give dumpees false hope and extort money out of them.
So if you’re planning on giving no contact a chance (which you should), do the indefinite no contact rule. This rule will help you regain your dignity and encourage your ex to come back when the time is right.
Just keep in mind that it could take a while for it to heal your wounds and affect your ex in ways it needs to.
30-day no contact rule
Before I go into detail about the indefinite no contact rule, I’d first like to talk about the 30-day no contact rule and when it can affect your ex.
When a relationship comes to an end, there is very little you can do to change your ex’s mind about you. You can’t just wait 30 days and then send your ex a few text messages to make your ex regret dumping you.
No contact doesn’t work that way as time on its own doesn’t do much for your ex. All time does is give your ex time and space to enjoy life and prevent your ex from resenting you. It doesn’t let your ex miss you. Not after 30 days.
Dumpers need way longer than that to regret leaving their ex. They need to explore their life (often other options) before they realize they’ve made a huge mistake and that they want their ex back.
I would say that the 30-day no contact rule works when a breakup occurs in the heat of the moment due to an argument or when the dumper doesn’t really want to break up (wants power and control). In such cases, 30 days are more than enough time for dumpers to regret leaving their dumpees.
And the funny thing about it is that dumpees don’t even have to contact dumpers! They just have to wait for dumpers to see that their exes aren’t chasing them and that their exes are strong and self-sufficient enough to carry on without them.
That’s when dumpers anxiously reach out to see how their ex is doing and if he or she is with someone else.
Some fake breakup experts claim that if your ex doesn’t contact you after 30 days that you’re supposed to initiate contact and chase your ex. They say you’re supposed to send a text they “just can’t resist” and win your ex back. But the truth is that texts of any kind don’t win dumpers over.
If mere calls or texts could trigger dumpers’ feelings (especially after 30 days), most people would get their ex back and live happily ever after.
But unfortunately, not all couples reconcile. Some dumpers can’t let go of their negative feelings, so they monkey-branch from one relationship to the next without taking the time to reflect.
I have personally tried the 30-day no contact rule and all I got from my ex was a neutral response that led nowhere. I think my ex said something like, “Why did you contact me,” so I had no choice but to go back to no contact.
My ex’s response hurt me a lot and made me even more desperate for reconciliation, so I could say I learned my lesson the hard way.
You have to keep in mind that your ex left you and that your ex must be the one to come back. You can’t contact your ex first because you’ll disrupt both your healing processes and get directly or indirectly rejected.
It’s much better (safer) for you to wait for your ex to make the first move because that way, you’ll know that your ex actually wants to speak to you.
Your ex may not want you back, but at least you won’t be chasing your ex and embarrassing yourself.
Indefinite no contact rule
If you’re counting the days since you’ve gone no contact, here’s what you should do. Start by following the no contact rule for 30 days. But once you’ve made it to the 30th day, don’t reach out to your ex. Instead, extend your no contact rule indefinitely and focus even harder on yourself.
If you do that, you’ll soon feel much calmer and in control. You won’t be over your ex just yet, but you will get out of the depression stage of a breakup and no longer obsess over your ex 24/7.
My advice is not just to follow one rule which is not to contact your ex. If you want to get yourself back and also increase the chances of having a successful reconciliation/relationship with your ex, you should follow all the rules of no contact. The more rules you follow, the fewer setbacks you’ll encounter and the quicker you’ll heal.
Always remember that if your ex doesn’t reach out, your ex isn’t interested in getting back with you. Your ex is still set on leaving and is likely enjoying the relief and elation stage of a breakup. That would imply that your ex mustn’t hear from you. If he or she does, your ex will feel smothered and want to speak with you even less.
So respect your ex’s need to self-prioritize and respect yourself. You’ll probably hear from your ex when your ex goes through the first few stages of a breakup for the dumper and wants you back, wants to be friends, or needs something from you.
That’s when your ex will send you breadcrumbs and make you wonder what he or she is after.
About 3 months or so into no contact, you’ll feel much better. You’ll accept the fact that your ex might not come back and that it’s okay even if you never hear from your ex. Your healing and happiness will become much more important than an ex who abandoned you and made you deal with the breakup blues alone.
And that’s how it should be. No contact’s only purpose isn’t just to get your ex back. It’s to get yourself back so you can figure out if you really want to be with your ex. Right now, you probably think that you do because you’re hurt. But as time goes on, you’ll start noticing your ex’s bad traits and see that breakups happen for a reason.
Your particular reason may have been fixable, but the problem is that your ex didn’t want to fix it. He or she gave up on the relationship because he or she lacked the willpower and relationship skills to fix it. This is something you should keep in mind if you can’t stop idealizing your ex and fantasizing about getting back with your ex.
What happens during indefinite no contact?
During the indefinite no contact, power will be equally distributed between you and your ex. No contact will negate any begging and pleading and erase some of the bad memories from the relationship.
The longer you go without speaking to your ex, the more your ex will remember the positive aspects of the relationship and want to speak to you. So stay in no contact forever. Stay in it until you’re certain your ex has processed the breakup and started to value you again.
You’ll know your ex values you when your ex takes the initiative and shows romantic interest in you. Bear in mind that you’re not just waiting for your ex to reach out because that could get you friend-zoned. You want your ex to invite you out, apologize, ask for forgiveness, and ask to get back together.
Will your ex forget about you?
Many dumpees worry that their ex will forget about them during no contact. They think that by going no contact, they’ll make it easier for their ex to move on. But the truth is that their ex has already moved on. Their ex has broken up with them, which is why it’s safe to say that love is gone.
At least for now. Love could return if their dumpers fail to find happiness without their dumpee and get in some kind of trouble.
So as painful as the breakup has been for you, know that your ex won’t forget about you during no contact. If anything, your ex will think about you more because you won’t pester your ex with annoying messages and demands. You’ll let your ex go, which will make your ex wonder where you are and what you’re doing.
What if my ex finds someone else?
Your ex might find someone else during no contact, but, unfortunately, this isn’t something you can control. If your ex likes someone and decides to date him or her, you can’t prevent your ex from doing that. You no longer have a say in your ex’s life because you lost that privilege with the breakup.
If you stay friends with your ex with the intention to dissuade your ex from dating, I can tell you that you’ll fail. Not only will you fail, but you’ll also annoy your ex and make your ex want to date that person even more.
You’ll essentially push your ex towards this person and make yourself look really bad.
So don’t try to stay in touch with your ex out of fear of your ex finding someone else. If your ex starts dating someone else, that should tell you that your ex just doesn’t care anymore and that it’s time for you to protect your heart and stop interacting with your ex.
Usually, dumpers are ready to date right after the breakup. They don’t need time to heal the way dumpees do because they’re emotionally detached and ready for new romantic experiences. It’s unfair, I know, but that’s what detachment does for people.
You should try to detach as well so that you can also do what’s best for you.
Things to work on while you’re in indefinite no contact
No contact is a blessing in disguise. If you don’t feel motivated to work on yourself now that you’re hurting, you never will. So don’t waste your time by hoping and praying your ex will come back to you. Instead, reflect on your relationship and figure out what went wrong.
This is your chance to improve your shortcomings and better yourself in as many ways as possible. The more work you do on yourself during this difficult time, the more successful your relationship with your ex or with someone else will be.
If you don’t know what to work on, that doesn’t mean you have nothing to work on. It just means that you haven’t reflected yet and that you first need to figure out why. If the breakup just happened you may be too hurt to think about anyone and anything other than your ex.
That’s normal.
But if it’s been months and you’re still thinking about your ex day and night, then perhaps you need to change your focus and spend more time with friends and family. They may be able to distract you from all this ex-back stuff and show you it’s not the end of the world.
I can’t say what it is that you need to work on because I don’t know you, but you can probably start by letting go of reconciliation hope and improving self-control, patience, and self-esteem.
Demonstrate change and improvement
Right after the breakup, there’s absolutely nothing you can do to showcase improvement. Your ex won’t notice your growth even if you try because he or she will be busy with the breakup and will need lots of space and time.
Once your ex stops feeling relieved and no longer needs time to feel better, your ex will become much more receptive to the things you do and don’t do. Your ex will ponder about you more and be tempted to reach out. Your goal as a dumpee, therefore, is to remain patient in no contact so that your ex can see it’s safe to communicate again.
So if you’re trying to impress your ex, don’t try to do that directly by communicating with your ex. That will prove the opposite of what you’re trying to prove.
Instead, follow the following tips.
Stay in no contact
Have you ever heard of the phrase that silence speaks louder than words? You probably have.
By cutting off all communication, you’ll achieve something very important. You’ll convey to your ex that your ex isn’t as important as your ex thinks and show that you’re not needy and dependent on your ex for love and recognition. By going completely silent, you’ll show that you respect your ex’s decision and that you’re not going to reach out to your ex just because he or she broke up with you.
You see, indefinite no contact isn’t some sly manipulation tactic. It’s a technique that proves you’ve got what it takes to focus on yourself when someone you love abandons you.
And that speaks volumes because it makes you look strong.
Always remember that no contact on its own speaks to your ex in your stead. You don’t need to tell your ex that you’re focusing on yourself and improving because no contact is doing that for you. It’s making you look better than if you were to defend yourself and try to prove your worth.
Social media
Social media, such as Facebook and Instagram are great places for posting pictures of your new adventurous life. They make it easier to show that you’re not crying and doing nothing with your life but that you’ve become more active and interested in evolving as a human being.
If you want to master the art of using social media to your advantage, don’t pretend to be happy and act out of character. Your ex knows who you are and will see right through you. Instead, upload pictures and videos as frequently as you used to before the breakup and post only the best of the best of your life.
Just keep in mind that your ex could delete you, block you, or unfollow you. This happens when dumpees appear unaffected by the breakup and try to show off.
Texts/phone calls
When your ex gets in touch with you during the indefinite no contact rule (not the other way around), you want to be on your best behavior. You want to remain positive and optimistic and never bring up the breakup.
Act as if it didn’t happen and only talk about your life. Don’t ask your ex things like who your ex has been seeing and if your ex thinks about you. Such things no longer concern you. They stopped concerning you when your ex broke up with you.
You need to send a message that you’re too busy enjoying your life to worry your ex might be having fun without you.
Moreover, don’t talk to your ex for hours. If your ex doesn’t express the desire to get back with you a few minutes after breaking the silence, your ex doesn’t want to get back with you. Your ex just wants to check up on you and stop talking to you when it’s convenient for your ex.
You need to be aware of that so you can end the conversation as soon as you know your ex is reaching out to breadcrumb you.
Mutual friends
Mutual friends will do all the hard work for you. They’ll tell your ex what you’ve been up to and how you’ve been handling the breakup. They can be extremely helpful as they’ll act as your informants. So tell your friends everything you’ve been up to since the breakup.
Inform them of your new exciting life and everything you’ve managed to accomplish. If they see you’ve grown and fallen in love with yourself, you can be certain they’ll tell your ex about it. Your ex will either ask about you or they’ll tell your ex because they want to.
Personal encounters
If you see your ex in person, you want to briefly let your ex know that you are doing well. Tell your ex you’ve been really busy and make it seem like the breakup has helped you get things done.
That will make your ex wonder where your happiness and success come from and if you’re with someone new. Of course, don’t lie to your ex and play jealousy games, but do show that you’re happy and don’t need your ex to enjoy your life.
When your ex encounters problems and needs a person to confide in, your ex might get in touch with you to lean on you for support.
None of the above
If your ex deleted and blocked you on social media, you probably pushed your ex’s buttons or exhibited needy post-behavior. You made your ex feel unsafe and forced him or her to block you.
But if your ex blocked you for no reason out of the blue, then know that your ex will probably unblock you later. Most dumpers do because they realize they treated their ex way worse than their ex deserved to be treated.
If you have no means of showing your ex the new you, you probably won’t be able to show your ex that it’s safe to reach out to you. But that’s okay because you won’t need to. Your ex will reach out when he or she wants to or needs to. In other words, you’ll hear from your ex when your ex feels it’s safe to reach out or when something or someone forces your ex to reach out.
That someone could be the person your ex dates after you.
So don’t worry about proving your worth to your ex. You have nothing to prove in no contact. You just need to heal so that when your ex gets hurt, you look as attractive as you possibly can. Keep in mind that dumpers want to be with someone strong and reliable.
Strength attracts them as it helps them deal with their problems.
Should you lose hope?
You should never wait for your ex to come back to you. You just don’t know if your ex will come back tomorrow, in ten years, or never. Nobody knows when and if your ex will have an epiphany. It’s the uncertainty that makes breakups so difficult.
The indefinite no contact rule should, however, make you realize that your ex shouldn’t be the main source of your happiness and that you’ve got plenty of people in your life who appreciate you for who you are. They may not make you feel that you can’t go on without them, but that’s because you weren’t in love with them.
You didn’t have a romantic connection with them.
Right now, you want your ex back because you’re hurt and still value your ex. But once indefinite no contact helps you lose hope, that could change very quickly. You could enjoy your new life and love yourself so much that you stop waiting for your ex to come back.
That’s why you should wait for your ex for as long as your mind tells you to hold on to hope. Once you detach and stop feeling hopeful, don’t deliberately look for more hope. Try to focus on yourself instead so that you can attract new romantic opportunities and enjoy everything life has to offer.
Do you agree that the best no contact rule is the indefinite no contact rule? Share your thoughts and experiences with this rule in the comment section below.
And if you want to talk to us about the indefinite no contact in private, sign up for coaching here.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hi,
I dated my boyfriend for 10 months. I never gave him space when he needed it and he was a dismissive avoidant, while I was an anxious avoidant. He did some things that gave me trust issues and we went through two months of hell. We fought a good amount, but right as I started trusting him my anxiety got really bad. We fought each week multiple times. We almost broke up with each other 4-5 times.
With that said I was different for him and he didn’t have many serious gfs. I was the only one who stayed with his parents a month before we broke up. He tried working on stuff, but it was overwhelming. He finally got a new job he liked and it was incredibly stressful between both the relationship and job.
When we broke up I asked for a break and he said no no breaks because we both hate them. I asked to meet in two weeks and he said if we do we do and if we don’t we don’t, but no promises. I asked if he loved me still and he said yes in a way I do. But he said he doesn’t see a future and doesn’t know if I’m his person- he’s said that before but then we would do well for a little and he’d tell me he’s seeing it more. The day after we broke up I had someone drop off his key with a letter that told him after we work on ourselves I hope he can consider coming back and being a productive team. I deleted our relationship status and the next day he deleted all pictures of us on social media but left me on there.
I have not contacted him and he won’t contact me. He was a notorious casual dater and dated a lot. I am worried he will move on or that he doesn’t think the unhealthy aspects of the relationship can be changed or are worth it.
What should I do and is it realistic to think that he will come back?
Hi G.
You can’t control the way he thinks and feels about your relationship.
That’s why the best you can do is leave him alone.
For him to come back, he will have to outgrow his mentality about you and your relationship.
Best,
Zan
Hi Zan!
I had been with my ex about 3 years when we broke up.
During these years we had a nice time, but she seemed like she always kept some sort of distance.
For example, she never introduced me to her siblings or family, despite living in the same city, while I introduced her to my siblings and mom which are in another country. She was not very communicative. She could rarely express her self emotionally, and that made me hesitate too. We never said that we loved each other (at least I did).
Before meeting this girl I had had weird relationships, with a lot of drama and I was mentally exhausted, so I had decided to be cool with her. She was the same at the beginning too, but then she started to be bothered by this. We basically never fought, and I guess she interpreted this as a weakness. As if couldn’t stand my ground even in some cases where it was obviously her fault, I didn’t really pick on her. On the other hand, even in those few cases when I did, she never accepted any responsibility. So for me it was clear that it was either i put up with it, or end the relationship. I usually put up with it. Another factor which caused me to keep this low profile is also the fact that I am doing my PhD and I am already very stressed, relationship drama was the last thing I wanted (well, i got this in abundance).
At some point for my PhD i needed to move to another country for a 6 months internship. I asked her to come with me but she didn’t accept. At this point, I knew that chances were that we wouldn’t be together after this experience, but I was also curious to see what would happen. During the first 3 months I tried to come back every month, just to see her, but I saw that she was growing distant. Once, after a 15 hour trip I passed by the store where she worked, without entering just waiting outside until she saw me, and she didn’t even come to say hi. A month later (I was abroad) I called her for an unrelated reason, and she used the same call to tell me that she wanted to break up. I came back once more to have a face to face conversation, and she seemed to change a bit her opinion. She said that she wanted to make it work and so on, but that lasted a couple of weeks of me going again abroad, then she stopped replying online, or was giving short answers, and eventually I stopped writing.
About 2-3 months passed. I was finally back home, but I didn’t call her when coming back. I wasn’t sure if she was still taking her time, or had decided to ghost me. Few weeks later, my birthday came but she didn’t call me or anything, so I decided to call her and ask her to meet cause I needed some closure. Eventually, we met and she told me it was over for good. The reason she gave me was that we are not compatible (what a lazy ass reason for those cases you don’t want to tell the truth). Funny thing is that at some point when braking up, she told me that she has the impression that she doesn’t know me, and that maybe I am the right guy but she wants to know me better as a friend before eventually deciding to go back. I obviously didn’t accept this cause it sounded ridiculous how she was braking up while accepting that she didn’t know me and that she would know me better by spending less time with me.
It was a very bad year for me, cause my best friends and my sister had left the city, my pet had died, and now this. All this while being at the last year of my PhD. I obviously went into deep depression.
Since then, it has been a year, I started going to the gym, met new friends, I am about to finish writing my thesis, and I am also seeing a new girl (casually, I am not ready for any relationship now). I never talked to this girl anymore, but I do think almost everyday about her. She treated me quite bad, but I think it is half cause of my hurt ego and half cause of the fact that I didn’t get a reason which made any sense, which make me feel like I haven’t had my closure. Currently, I don’t think I want her back in my life, but I am so curious to talk to her and hear the true reason. For what I know, she has not had any relationship since then.
Sorry for the long text, my question is:
What do you think about this character? 😀
Thank you!
George
Hi George! I would like to thank you because when I read your message I opened my eyes. Somehow I didn’t have the courage to accept it, because my situation is similar to yours. Love means something else and I’m sure you deserve more. Love means respect, unconditional support … no matter the distance and problems. You deserve more than a person who does not enjoy when he sees you. You deserve someone who can feel a whole zoo in their stomach when they see you after a month. Thank you and I wish you all the best.
Sorry for my english! 😂
Hi Ana, thank you and I am sorry you had to experience the same. In retrospective, I think I did a lot of mistakes in handling this breakup. In that occasion when I had traveled from 4 a.m to 7 p.m on a stupid bus and she didn’t come out just for 5 seconds, I think I should have taken the next bus in the morning to go back to Belgium, where I was and avoid all the drama which lasted 8 months after this event.
I think it happens to everybody to fall out of love, and depending on what love means to them, they can act differently. Due to the influence of romanticism, most of us think of it as something very intense that should never fade, and if it does that means it’s the end. The older I get, the more stupid this idea is in my opinion, but obviously people see things differently.
I don’t blame my ex for most of what happened. I have been the dumper before and I haven’t been the most correct person ever as we all expect from the others. What I think she did wrong is the fact that she completely misused that distance occasion. It was a predefined period, and we knew I would come back in 6 months. I think she probably had lost attraction before me leaving, but my presence there was distracting her. So she probably thought that it would be easier to start this when I was gone. This is what I don’t really respect, cause on one hand she didn’t tell me what was wrong, on the other hand she didn’t give me a chance to talk and explain my point of view. It was more like a checkmate, in an unfair way.
In any case I don’t think I could do much better even if we were in the same place, but distance really made it worse. Misunderstanding after misunderstanding, I had the impression I was walking on a field of landmines. Even if I was talking about the weather, she was interpreting it as “another reason” we were incompatible. Long story short, I would suggest everybody that if you see your ex is pulling away, just accept that it is going to be over, tell them that you know what’s gonna happen and that you don’t want that, but go as soon as possible in no contact and enter a mourning phase. I think especially your partner does not give you any way out of it, it’s just a snowball that will become an avalanche. Keep your dignity and avoid going through extended emotional distress!
Why would I pine for the return of an ex who decided that they didn’t love me any more? I just had a 15 year relationship (12 married) end, but I refuse to take back used goods. If they have buyer’s remorse? Pound sand! I don’t have time to reattach myself to someone who willfully decided to leave and showed me how much they didn’t love me. I will be civil for the sake of my child, but no thanks to the whole crawling back thing.
Hi Andy.
The rejection of a partner usually hurts so much people want their exes back for the wrong reasons.
I’m glad you’ve realized your worth and are taking the steps to move on without her.
Kind regards,
Zan
Great info Zan! Quick question-
6yrs together
5 living together
She has 2 kids
I have 1
She wants to stay in touch with my 7 year old who is visiting me this week. I’ve been in NC for 10 days. She hasn’t reached out. Do I reach out for her and her kids to see my daughter while she’s in town?
Hi Bobby.
You don’t reach out. If she wants to see your 7-year-old, she will have to put in the effort herself.
Kind regards,
Zan
She left me without arguing, but I know my mistake: too much parties with friends.
Now I’m on day 10. I’ll leave a comment here again on day 40.
Success is down the way! 🙂
Good luck, Ted! I’m Looking forward to your response.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hey. I need your opinion 🙂 Me and my ex boyfriend were and living together for 3.5 years. Lately we did not get along very well and after a huge fight that it started by me because he did not want to do things together as we did before. He got very angry, saying very mean staff to me, then he broke up with me and left the apartment. During the fight, I begged him to give me another chance and not to leave, but as soon as I realized that it is not that he is just mad and that he means that, I let him leave and wished him the best. We had no contact after 3 weeks when he sent a FB message to pick up his things. He said that this will be very awkward and he did not want me to be there (at my place). This was not possible though since I had changed my locks. He asked if I did for him to which I answered no, since I didn’t. In addition he asked me if I am having a good time and how is my days now to all of these I answered in a very upbeat tone while he sounded awful. He mentioned that since this will be awkward he will come with his friends to pick up the stuff and I ‘ve even offered him to only send the friend but he said he will come anyway. They came to pick up the stuff. I had changed my haircut and the decoration and it complimented on how the house looks (when we were staying together he was always complaining because I did not have the time to clean up his mess). Anyway, in general he was in a hurry and tried to avoid eye contact with me. In the end he said that he forgot to bring me one of my things and that we will meet another day to give it to me. I told him its ok, I can take it from our common friend but he said that we will meet. I left earlier and let them pack the things because I had a party to attend. Of course, we won’t go out and I am not planning on contacting him. I never do anyway, they come back by themselves. How do you explain his behavior though? I was the one who should have sounded and act sad but it was the opposite. I was speaking to him, I was cheerful And of course, is it possible to change his mind? I find it very unlikely. He had 3 weeks to think it off but he decided to come and take them.
I need insight. Help! My ex bf and I broke up I presume on June 18th, he told me I was really pissing him off and to leave him alone now. I stupidly looked desperate by apologizing, asking for 1 more chance, and if we could please talk face to face. He said yes we could right before he told me to leave him alone. I’m gonna try this no contact, today is day 3. At the beginning of the convo he said that he still loves me and cares about me but after the last mistake I made things can’t be the same as before. So what I did was this:
I had been confiding in a guy friend of mine about my ex bf and I’s relationship problems, we were messaging on fb messenger. At 1AM on June 15th (Saturday) my guy friend randomly messaged me saying, “Are you single now?”
I now realize how horrible and shady that looks. I tried to explain that he was just a friend but it’s like I was talking to a wall. Later that day he ignored me all day then later that afternoon he started talking to me and acting ok, he was kissing me on the forehead and lips and telling me how much he loved me so I thought we had a chance, we spent the night together. Then June 16th (Sunday) he left to go see his dad because it was Father’s Day. We were supposed to hang out after he was done with his dad but by the time he was ready to come over I was busy with my sister. He said that I must be too busy “doing me” like always. Said maybe he’ll see me some other day. Monday June 17th I didn’t hear from him at all, all the next day too so I messaged him Tuesday night, June 18th and that’s when the convo got ugly, he even said I disgust him!
If he still loves me and cares about me do I still maybe have a chance? I think he is just angry at me. I love him and I want him back. What do I do?
Hi JoanAnn.
If your ex loves you, he will come back. That’s a given.
The way I see your ex is not in the best light. He appears very emotionally unstable—immature if you will. Ignoring you and throwing tantrums is not how one should act in a relationship.
The fact that he freaked out without giving you an explanation proves what I just said. So if you can’t explain yourself to him in a calm, collected manner, you’re better off without him.
He also appears very possessive and controlling. This is something he needs to work on before he expects a good relationship with you or anyone else.
Anyway, no contact is your best option. If he wants you back, he will tell you so. I have a strong feeling that he will be back.
When and if he comes back, I’d advise you to suggest therapy to him or at least some sort of soul-searching.
As he is now, you deserve way better—someone who is in control of his emotions.
Kind regards,
Zan
What do I do? We were together almost two years. She said “its over and its too late”. The first time we got back together i wrote her a poem and she loved it. We broke up again two weeks later, she said the same things again. I tried to send her a nice card and flowers to her work. She said it made her cry and she missed me so we met for dinner that night and kissed. We planned to spend the weekend together but she changed her mind when she got home that same night and just said “its too late”. She then apologized again for “misleading me”. I got angry, wrote her a text that she had lost me forever and I would never speak to her again or send her gifts etc. I blocked her number after i sent the text so I’m not sure if she replied. Of course, I unblocked it a week later and am now on day 27 no contact. Every day has been hell, I know she is the one for me and truly loves me. What do I do? Will she think to contact me after my message and the fact I blocked her number? What does “its too late” mean when two people love each other? Sigh…
Id like to add every time we broke up I begged, pleaded, and chased (including the last time). Also she defriended (not blocked) me on social media. Curiously, a friend of mine she barely knows posted a picture of us at a banquet and she liked that photo last week. I just feel like she’s not the type to reach out directly. Ill wait to get your advice on the above comment. Thanks so much.
Hi Mark.
“It’s too late” means it’s over. Every time she tried to come back, she couldn’t because she was still experiencing the breakup separation symptoms which include a ton of doubt. As you may already know, doubt is the most destructive element to reconciliations as it prevents dumpers from coming back.
For now, you should probably do your best to forget about her as she won’t change her mind any time soon. Once you feel better, date other women and try not to act on impulse again.
Kind regards,
Zan
My boyfriend of 7 months broke up with me after a golf Tournament went wrong.
On the Monday night on a video call he could see something was bothering me i did not want to tell him but he forced me to tell him and I did it involved him and his friends ex that he is playing psychologist for.
When he returned home the tuesday night he did not take notice of me and the wednesday he broke up with me saying I interfered with his PASSION but that if I did not tell him it would have still bothered him the Tuesday during the tournament.
What should I do?
He was really upset. he sent me a message saying ” we broke up.Like I said t you my head is buzzing..Just let my head chill. Let’s see how things go.”
WHat should I make of that?
Hi.
He wants to focus on himself for a while with his “let’s see how things go” excuse. Basically, he wants to be alone until he changes his mind. Give him what he wants.
Zan
Oh give me a break. I had a boyfriend who would do this. There was never, ever a good time to bring up issues I wanted to address in the latter part of our relationship. His athletic career was demanding so I would wait on evenings he wouldn’t work to try and communicate a legitimate issue, and then instead of “interfering” with his job I was blamed for preventing him from having a relaxing evening to himself or he would say “I thought we already talked about this” or something of that nature. Some guys just don’t want to talk about issues nor admit maybe their behavior in the relationship is inappropriate so they are very defensive and turn it around on the partner.
To be honest, your boyfriend sounds a bit like a jerk. I’m guessing he’s good looking and successful, just like mine. These guys are used to having women chase them and not put in as much effort, it makes it easier for them to say “let my head chill” “let’s see how things go”. They are more entitled and don’t often feel the need to repair things. Well screw that. You sound like an articulate woman who knows what makes her feel uneasy (him crossing boundaries playing psychologist for another woman) and you shouldn’t have to put up with what he is dishing out, regardless of how much you love him. I’m annoyed with him and you should be, too. There are better partners out there in the world for us than that.
Hi! is it possible to get an ex back after multiple breakups, if the biggest factor of every breakup was my fault?
He´s been giving me major confirmation about “i´ve never felt this strong towards a person before, i gave you so many chances because it was you, i´ve never felt this deep connection with anyone else, i gave you more chances than what i actually could give because it was you, i would never give anyone this much chances, i gave you so much chances because i´ve never felt so strong towards anyone else” In the last relationship, he nearly broke up with me several times, because i didn´t change what i promised to change.
I promised everytime to change so he gave me change on chance on chance.
Last years breakup he wrote to me a month after no contact, but now he seems really over us this time because i didn´t change after all the chances he gave me. I didn´t change because i already had him.. now i´m serious about changing, i don´t want to be this insecure, i want to become a happy person and i have to work on how to have confidence and less ego.
The main reasons we broke up everytime was because my ego in fights (got big ego from insecurities, anxiety, 0 trust and being immature) does no contact work after multiple breakups? please help!
I´m actually doing something about it now, it´s not just against him i act bad in fights or arguments. I´m going to a psychologist to help me improve myself, and the biggest factor to why i´m going defensemode everytime i get in an argument is because my bad self esteem, i overreact over the smallest things and i know i will feel better and improve if i work on myself.
I also let the past from our past relationship get the overhand in our last one, i was still hurt from things we did, i grieved it so much i let it take over my feelings and i got cold towards him because of that. It´s okey to grieve, but i shouldn´t let that impact our relationship that badly. Now i really want him back, and i know what to work on.
I don´t think he will reach out to me this time like he´s done everytime we broke up, we´ve broken up 3 times in 3 years with the same reasons everytime, and as i said the biggest factor was my ego and bad self esteem. I wanted to change in our last relationship, but i didn´t do that, and it feels like he thinks there´s no reason to reach out even if he misses me, because he thinks i´m not going to change.
Hi Lovisa.
People are eventually going to stop believing you when you don’t live up to their expectations. Your ex is no exception. I know you’re committed to change and that’s great! Proving it to your ex, however, is going to be difficult. He doesn’t think you can change because he’s given you many chances before. He wanted you to be the way he envisioned, and it just didn’t happen because you lacked the motivations to change.
No contact has worked for you before, and it might work again. I can’t say for sure. The only thing I do know is that you can’t try to contact him and convince him to stay in your life. Why don’t you do it in a different way instead? Tell your mutual friends the things you’ve been doing since you entered no contact. Say something like this: “I’ve learned a lot from my break-up and I’m glad it happened. Now I can finally learn from my mistakes and improve my shortcomings. I started seeing a psychologist and I’m really happy with the improvements I’ve made. I finally understand why people act the way they do in stressful situations. I’ll make sure to apply this knowledge in my next relationship.”
The key is not to make it obvious you are doing these things to get back with him. Sound happy and don’t mention your ex at all. Everything you say and do is solely for yourself. They will go and tell your ex everything they’ve heard and might even tell him you look incredibly vibrant.
Looking sad and pathetic will never win him back. Moving on, learning, and improving will.
And if he never acknowledges the changes you’ve made, it won’t matter anyway. You will have moved on successfully and do better with your next partner.
Best of luck!
Zan
My ex of 6 years broke up with me 3 months ago, we lived together and he fell out of love. i downloaded another guide where it explained I should contact them after max 45 days. I did reach out with these ‘magic texts’ but didn’t have much luck, I tried the texting recommended in the guide for about a month he did reply and engage a bit, but I don’t think it helped me at all, as we ended up talking on the phone about some money stuff and he did not sound remorseful. I have decided to go into INC for now (didnt even wish him a happy bday yesterday), do you think I decreased my chances by reaching out after 45 days? I have been active on social media, showing my new cool life and also dating someone new who could be a good fit. I do wish for him to come back so we could get a second chance, as we had so many good years and only 2 months where he acted strange. Trying to move on is so hard, and I feel stupid for not just going into INC from the start.
Hi.
Thanks for the comment.
As you know, there is no set emount of days for your ex to be ready to talk to you. There are also no universal cures, as everybody is different. The best way to know your ex is in a receptive state is to wait for him to reach out to you first. INC is both for you and your ex. You keep your dignity and self-respect, while your ex processes the break-up in his own way.
I don’t think messaging him ruined your chances forever. It did however delay the time it would take for him to miss you and want to talk to you on his own. You’re doing the right thing by seeing other men, as nobody knows when and if he will come back. One thing I’m sure of is that you must forget him for now, until he reaches out and sounds remorseful. Staying friends or wanting to be friends with him will never work, because you want more than that, so stay in no contact until he gives you something to work with.
The longer you are able to stay away from him, the more detached you are going to feel. Be prepared to never see him again. False hope is going to keep hurting you much longer than it needs to.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
My ex of 6 years broke up with me in beginning of Nov. We lived together for 3 years. He broke up ’cause he’s confused about his life and “needs to figure life out”. He told me he’s at his worst in his life that he’s ever been.
After 9 days he came to me; Said he loved me and wanted me to stay.. that maybe we could just call it a break.. 3 weeks pass by that are amazing. He’s loving and caring. We visit our families together. Then the following 3 weeks he gets completely distant. I ask him what’s up.. he says we were never back in a relationship.. That we were broken up all this time.. However also realised after 5 hours of talking, that he was sure he would come back to me.. That he only wants me in his future and he promises to come back. He couldn’t rule out not being with other women in the meantime though.
Flash forward ’till now.. I moved out of our apt 2 weeks ago and have been NC since. Living together was tough after the BU. I was sad and hurt all the time around him. We talked about the BU all the time, simply because I could not understand why. In the end he kept saying the same things.. That he would definitely contact me when he was ready to be with me again.. He had no clue how long it would take.. Also said he was kind of looking forward to me moving, because that meant we wouldn’t have to talk about the BU every single night.. I feel like I might’ve come off annoying; However, I was hurt and every time I saw him, it just got worse.
Now I’m just left here, hoping and wondering when he’ll come around..
How do you suggest I go about all of this…?
I know I should probably just ignore the “breadcrumbs” he left me.. But it’s killing me slowly, really. This is the longest we haven’t talked in 6 years.. I know I shouldn’t break NC and I won’t (Didn’t write him on his b-day either). I try to respect his wish of getting space to figure his life out.. I just don’t know how I can deal with hoping he’ll come back soon..
Hi DJB!
Further to our live chat conversation, talking about the break-up with the dumper is dreadful for both of you. He wants to be done with it, and stop being reminded of the pain you bring when you keep holding on. Every time you mention getting back together or ask him to rethink his decision, it angers him more and pushes him further away. It’s like trying to feed him his worst dish persistently, until he wants to just get up and leave. He doesn’t want any of that, and would rather be all alone. he doesn’t like being reasoned with.
Your ex already told you everything you need to know. He said he will contact you when the time is right, and that’s all you need to know. The best thing to do is just agree with it and walk away confidently.
Hope is hindering your recovery. The sooner you move away from this horrible feeling, holding you back from moving on, the better for you. Don’t be afraid to detach. Some people are so afraid of letting go because they think they will never want their ex back later. That may or may not be true. In my opinion it’s even better to start fresh, than to repair a broken relationship, full of new trust issues. Take some time off to yourself and learn how to relax properly. Grab your friends and go on a trip. Do what you can to better your mental state, and focus on self-improvement. This is a crucial time for you to make positive adjustments, and direct your life on your best path.
Ignore the breadcrumbs, the empty promises, the hope in your gut, and everything nice he ever said to you. Cut it off like it means nothing to you, and focus on here and now. Soon you will realize you are no longer dependent on him for your well-being, and will be able to live independently better than ever before. Amazing things will start happening to you when you are no longer concerned about your relationship with your ex, and instead more about yourself.
Be selfish during this time, balance your “giving” personality by starting to take more, so you will be an “equal” partner in your next relationship. You must do this for yourself and/or find an equally contributing partner.
Kind regards,
Zan
Just wanted to say I really like your posts, it helped me a lot over the last months. But still need some advice, my ex broke up with me around 5 months ago been together for 1.5 year. After 2 weeks I contacted her, we chatted and we even saw each other and I begged and pleaded a little by giving her a letter stating I love her and she is the one… we agreed after that to give each other some time and space and not text each other. A week later I texted her, no answer. A month after that I texted again, no answer. Again a month later I texted and got no answer and after that I told her I understand and wont text again. Im now 2 months nc, should I apologize for my needy behaviour or is it better to stay in indefinite contact?
Hi Jimmy.
You’ve already apologized and poured your heart out to her. Needless to say, you also begged for a second chance, so there is nothing to apologize for. You saying “Sorry I acted needy” is going to make you seem even needier. To her, it will sound like just another excuse for you to reach out. This is because it will show her you still care about the relationship, and what she thinks of you. She will see that her validation is extremely important to you.
I’m sorry to say she doesn’t want to talk to you right now. I know this must be hard to hear, but you have to give her what she wants. Don’t choke her with your attention which she doesn’t want nor deserve right now.
It’s best you stay in NC indefinitely and see if she reaches out in the future. If you keep contacting her, she is going to take even longer to want to talk to you. Consider this advice as a motivator to stay in no contact.
Zan
Thanks for the help and reply Zan! Im continuing the indefinite no contact! What do you think about watching snapchat or instagram stories? Considered as breaking the nc? Since they can see who saw it.
Hi Jimmy.
Don’t watch anything she publishes online. It won’t help you move on or get her back. She will see you still care enough to watch her stories. You have to pull the plug and embrace the darkness from her end. She doesn’t care about you, so you should do the same.
Zan
Hi Zan, just wanted to let you know im still in no contact and feel great. Just heard from a friend my ex was asking about me, but still didnt reach out herself. Anyway, its her birthday in a few weeks. INC also means no happy birthday text right?
Hi Jimmy.
As days go by without speaking to your ex, you are going to feel so much better. It feels truly amazing once you are no longer dependent on her. I would describe the end of unhealthy attachment as euphoric.
The fact that your ex is asking about you means that NC is working. She is curious and that’s exactly what you want her to feel. I also hope your friend told her you are doing well. INC means just that – no calling, no texting, no birthday wishes, nothing. Grave silence on your end.
Zan
Hi Zan – and I agree with you on that and just wanted another opinion. I will ask my daughter if she said anything about me but I have my doubts at this point. What I believe is that she is having a hard time letting go. There is no chance that she’ll ever see my kids ever again if we’re not a couple any longer. Both kids will not reply to any further texts and will not answer any calls from her. They are not happy with her and want to protect me as well from being hurt more. She needs to see what she’s lost and and what she’ll lose. Marc
Hi Marc.
As people say, her time will come. Whether it’s justice or karma kicking in, it will come. Something tells me you will no longer be dependant on her when that happens, so you will be able to make the right decision. Your kids will make sure to do what’s best for the person who cares deeply about them — you. I don’t know their age, but if they want to talk to your ex for some reason, they probably will. If I were you, I’d give my children all the attention they need, and my ex absolutely none. She doesn’t deserve it, so let her have her own fun however she wants. Since she doesn’t want to be a couple, there’s absolutely no need to pursue her. The moment you realize it’s her loss, is when you will start feeling much better.
Zan
The kids were 13 and 5 when she came into their lives. She was a very important part of their lives and vice versa. They have no interest in speaking with her which make come as a surprise to her when they don’t respond to her in the future. They are not happy with how she’s treating me and have both told me to move on. They don’t want her out of their lives but she’s made her decision so they’ll stay away from her. It’s been 12 years so this was not a one-night stand. There is way too much history for all of us to walk away from.
Now, I’m doing a strict NC and I will never contact her ever again. I am 100% positive that she’s wondering where I am and why I’m not contacting her. I had told her prior to Nov 1st that I would still be sending her messages and then I woke up and said no more contact. Time for her to understand what her decision means to her.
And I’m also positive that her text to my daughter is her way of not being able to let go. She may not be doing it consciously but I am sure that she’s not gone for good.
Hey again Marc.
I’d rather you think she won’t come back, than to be in the hope zone. It’s just not very good for your recovery. You have to let go and stop looking over your shoulder. There is indeed a lot of history between you two. 12 years is one hell of a ride.
Stick to NC to the end of your days if you have to. You know what must be done in order to preserve your self-respect and worth. Also, there is no point in seeking validation from her when she is not willing to give any. This is the time you become happy yourself with the help of your kids. They will always be by your side. Real family sticks together.
Zan
Not saying that I’m hoping but I am hopeful that she’ll see the light some day. Twelve years is a long time to throw away. I’m not sitting by the phone waiting for a call but I do hope that she’ll wake up and see what she’s done and want to fix it. I am kinda seeing someone right now but we’re staying friends for now until I’m ready to move on. I just don’t want to get on with my life and then have her come back in…I would HAVE to try again, if I thought that we could make it work. Obviously we’d have to work on some things but I’m not giving up for now. Just not ready to move on.
Hey Mark.
She doesn’t see that she’s throwing away those 12 years. To her it’s more of a new opportunity to find herself and try something new.
By all means take your time, and see other women. You will let her go eventually, and someone new will come along. As much as you don’t want to detach, you should as it’s only good for you. You won’t get her back while you are still feeling desperate.
Zan
The problem is that now after the initial beg and pleading you leave them alone but now you have kids together so you see them and have limited no contact. Still ofCrs you try and be cordial coz it’s been some time now post breakup and when he comes to fetch kids you may now greet hello / how are you?
It still hurts you when all they want to talk about is kid logistics and they still feel that asking ‘how are you’ is too much – I don’t do it in order for him to reciprocate but sometimes after so many months and you still see coldness and walls and they can’t ask anything about how you are, all you can feel is they are acting like an a$$hole to you but can be nice to all their friends yet they shared their life together with you – I know ex’s do this cold ‘we can’t talk to you anymore as if our time didn’t mean anything’ because they are trying to allow you (me) to move on because if we keep talking it may ‘lead me on’ and they don’t want to do that coz it will ultimately hurt me more.
I guess in the end one just has to completely get over them in sense love them but just be ok with unrequited love and you let them go in order for them to be happy. Then either they realize they let you get away because they see your self development and change or they find someone new and they are genuinely happy. Either way one has to show selfless acts to th dumpers albeit they have hurt you so much and in leaving you the natural way to act is like an a$$hole whom they don’t value very much to be in their lives:(
Hi Ruby.
As you said, the best thing you can do is to let them go and be happy. That’s why you have to do the no contact diligently and thoroughly. They want to be happier without you, because they think the dumpee is to be blamed for the destruction of the relationship. When you change your ways and become the best person you can be, they might regret it and come back. If they don’t, it’s their loss. When you work hard on yourself and your shortcomings, it won’t matter whether they come back, because you will know you’ve done what you could to make it work. If your ex wants to hold grudges and play the blame game, then so be it.
My advice to you is to go strict no contact and talk only about the impotant things that need discussing. This isn’t the time for you to invest in your ex, but yourself. Treat yourself to a vacation, and take the time off to truly figure out what went wrong. You may find out your ex wasn’t the best this world has to offer.
Thanks Zan
I get all you my points but I always fear what if he sees I’m ok without him and am happy – won’t he think he made the right decision to leave coz ‘we were misreable together’ … and if he too is happier wout me and does wot he needs to find his happiness without me and our kids and our family, won’t that prove he made the right decision to leave?
He thinks we were ‘miserable together’ – I put that in inverted commas because that’s how he feels he would be if he stayed with me – i have spent a long time figuring out the issues and I know he felt alone and ‘unsafe’ to speak up but he made me feel that way to – I think we just like any couple – we weren’t at our peak and just needed the right relationship tools to work with one another such as being able to know our love languages, communicate effectively, know how to resolve conflict effectively, ensure trust to share our feelings or how to also identify our triggers and core needs and fears with help of a professional so that we could repair and reconnect.
However he didn’t want to consider doing that work with me – While I get your points above, I’m worried that if we both move on and be ‘happy wout each’ other he will never be motivated to ever do that work with me coz he wouldn’t have anything better to compare to other than ‘his life with me which was sad’ to his current life wout me which ‘is happier’ but he has no comparison to a ‘life with me after working with me / repairing and reconnecting’.
In his mind while he’s acting for his self interest (coz that’s what all dumpers are doing) – he seriously believes he’s doing the ‘moral right thing’ by setting me free so that I can go find the partner who can love me coz he can’t give me the love I deserve coz he doesn’t trust me anymore with his heart 🙁
Hey Ruby.
I too understand your concerns. Unfortunately people are selfish, and they will always want the best for themselves. Your ex wants to be happy, and so do you.
So when you are happy without him, two things will happen. 1) He will see that you are now happier without him, which will make him doubt himself, and his ability to provide, and 2) He will want to be a part of your happiness, because genuine well-being is attractive and desirable.
Your ex chose not to work on the relationship and abandoned it. He will feel motivated when he sees you are alive again, and full of energy.
Imagine yourself in the most energetic state you can be. Your greatest dream has just come true, and you radiate blissfully. When you shine bright and strong, you become a magnet for everything nice. You attract people because they want to feel the cheerful vibes. You must become that person who lives for yourself and the kids.
This is my personal challenge to you — work on creating the life you would be proud of having. Focus on yourself and your positivity. This is your time to shine more than ever.
You’re absolutely right that dumpers are acting very self-centered, and that’s exactly why dumpees are chasing after them. The same can happen to your ex, if you overcome the grief and flip the sorrow upside down to create an everlasting positive change. I know I’m asking for a lot, but detaching from him, and pulling the attention on yourself will create the highest chances of getting him back.
I wouldn’t tell you to compete with you ex. I’m advising you to become happier than he ever will be. In the end, it’s you who matters, not him. So whether you get him back or not, the life you will have created for yourself, will be so satisfying you won’t need him back.
Thanks so much for above – its real inspiring for me to become as you say I should. This notion about showing your ex how you have evolved as much as they hurt you is hard but it’s motivational alright to set a goal and to work at it just to prove them wrong.
The fact that things went wrong with us and your ex blames you for it – they never chose to look at their behavior also – but I guess even if they do all people have a right to leave if they feel so hurt by you that they no longer love you – or in my case he will always love me coz of our history and I’m mom of his kids be he can’t ever look at me romantically again 😔. So with my broken heart but realizing how much he too needs to self develop upon his mistakes he made – the only thing I can do is to try and be happy on my own with my kids.
I fear detaching from him because I fear that I only am amicable because I tend to feel his pain and so I’m amicable with him and I don’t act like horrible bitchy scorned wife he walked out on. I fear if I detach I may be the one that starts to acts as cold as he does with me and that’s just not who I am 😔.
Still I do get those moments where I feel if I saw him I’d have a go at him and I let it pass such that by time I do see him I’m just acting my normal kind caring self (sometimes that irritates him) but so far I think he’s come to accept that is just who I am post this break up (I guess he expected horrible bitchy radio silence ex) and me not giving that to him must mean a kind move I make is to try and grow closer to him or to reel him back in or that I’m so weak and needy – that I have a hidden agenda; when now I’m just being kind me when i greet and ask him how he’s doing?
I guess he wants to be left alone too coz of his pain and his guilt of what he did and I bring a reminder of that – I find it hard to also not seek his validation. On bad days, I am angry at him that he made me feel like I was this horrible witch and that I took advantage of ‘his goodness’ – when all I lacked was the skills and knowing ‘things’ but neither did he – initially I felt horrid coz all I waited for was even an apology or acknowledgement of the wrongs he did too that if he did I’d feel all better that it wasn’t just I that wrecked our relationship and that perhaps he would see things differently and give us another go – but I realized I needed to hear it more so that I could forgive him and to make myself feel better coz I just felt horrible for being ‘so cruel to him’ all these years coz ‘I must have been for this good kind man to have left me?’
But now I need to show him I have evolved not sure how will see it if he not around nor will even speak to me or sense with his walls up but that’s ok … somehow I guess dumpers get to know ‘of your change’ from mutual friends or social media 😔🙈
Hey Ruby.
It’s as you said. Everyone has the right to leave a relationship if they wish to do so. We don’t own others, and so we must let them go when they wish to explore other possibilities.
Don’t fear detaching. You won’t act cold to him, because you are just no that kind of person, and you also know what it feels like to treat others like you don’t care. Honestly, you have to reach that state to be able to either re-attract him or move on. If you stay attached, you will keep making mistakes that are going to keep pushing him further from you. If you think back to how you first attracted him, you will remember that you were first detached. Being in that self-centered state, allowed the process of natural attraction to slowly develop.
By all means be yourself, but don’t give him any more than he deserves. He hates being treated like he’s the king. Be nice, and the best you can possibly be, without giving him everything. You have to give him the same or less, for him to want to invest more.
Please don’t blame yourself for what’s happened. The truth is that you’re still up and fighting, while he isn’t. You must let your past mistakes stay in the past, and focus on the present. He will see a change in you when you stop trying to tell him or constantly prove to him that things will be different. You have nothing to prove to him, as he doesn’t deserve the new and improved you. Give it to the world instead, and stay in NC. Trust me, he will find out about your big changes, and that will surprise him. Even without friends or social media, he has other ways of finding out if he really wants to. He just needs to be left alone, so focus strongly on yourself!
It’s not always the dumpee’s fault, and I want you to realize that. Your ex decided to quit because you stood firm and strong. Imagine you are a wall, and your ex is punching you. Because hurting you is hurting him more, he decided to quit. His strategy simply wasn’t working for him. I hope this analogy makes sense.
Stay amazing Ruby
Kind regards,
Zan
My ex of 9 years cheated on me for younger girl who also knew we were together. Now he showing off on Facebook by adding lots cheap younger girls which is gross I on other hand stay adult here..fun part is he looks older and I lol way to young than him mostly ppl would say I look like 10 year younger. Here is the thing it’s been almost one year of break up half of year I loved away form out house. He met me for giving my stuff and here I was looking more fab got makeover and such he couldn’t stay longer not even have a conversation at all. He’s very avodiant one very immature I wonder why he can’t even reach out at all. He sent his brother out to my work to check on me.. So what can I do?
Hi Sarah. Thanks for the comment.
You do what you can do. Keep up being as amazing as you possibly can, and don’t reach out on impulse. Be happy, fun and enjoy life to the fullest. The best revenge in life is living well. If he’s gonna decide to come back, it’s because you’re not affected by him leaving.
He has to be the first one to admit fault. and contact you first. Keep moving on, and don’t fall for any baits he might be sending your way.
Kind regards,
Zan
Please don’t judge too harshly as I don’t claim to be perfect. However, I was in a dead marriage for years, holding on for the kids. My girlfriend and I got involved as a result of looking for short term fulfillment but it turned into true love for both of us. We were so happy whenever we were together. After 8 years of seeing each other, she wanted to move on with her life before it “passed her by” since she didn’t think I’d ever leave my wife. At the break-up, I felt my obligation was to my kids as I originally told her so long ago. But now they and everyone can see I’m miserable. It’s now been 3 and a half months, I’ve reached out a few times to profess my love and she now says she’s in a relationship. She said she left because I couldn’t commit to a future with her. Her absence has proven to me that she is the key to my long term happiness. I want to build a future with her. Has she already moved on and I missed my chance? She is strong willed and I fear she may never reach out even if she IS thinking of me. With the indefinite no contact rule, how can I tell her I’m ready to make her my priority? Thank you.
Hi John.
Further to our email conversation, I’d like to say that your ex needs some time to cool off. If you keep reaching out as frequently as you have been during the past few months, her anger will never be given a chance to subside. She needs some time to herself to shift into a less hating, more receptive state of mind. As time goes on, she will let go of the harsh feelings. Once that is the case, she will then look for an excuse not to reach out. Everyone and everything is going to tell her that she doesn’t need you, and advise her to stay away from you for her own good.
If you’ve told her you are ready to commit post break-up, she is now aware of that. Whether she believes you or not is another thing. To be honest, right now it’s not even about that. Even if she were 100% sure you would commit, she wouldn’t come back. The way she feels about you at the moment is not in line with your expectations.
If you haven’t asked for another chance after the break-up, you can do so once she is ready to listen to you. You will apologize once and never ask to get back together. It has to be her decision. As a matter of fact, every step towards getting back together has to be on her terms. That means if she takes two steps forward, and a step back, you follow her lead and not the other way around. Take everything she says and does as a test to you. You will be subconsciously and deliberately tested from the time of the break-up to the end. How well you do is dependent on your self-awareness.
Yours truly,
Zan
I’ve been with my ex fiancé for 8 years he broke up when he cheated on me. It’s been almost one year and he still didn’t contacted me and he’s busy with adding young girls who look cheap on Facebook. Wonder what the hell I can do?? He had rebound maybe more now and he has fun with time with young girls 10- younger than him What is my chance here..
Hi Catrine.
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through such a hard time. Most guys prefer younger girls, but to leave a fiancé for one is atrocious. The fact that he cheated and left, tells you where he stands. He isn’t prepared to work on your relationship, and instead chose to go with someone younger. Men are visual beings. Unfortunately that doesn’t give him an excuse to break his committment. Sorry to say, but he’s most probably just having fun with them, and isn’t looking for anything serious. Perhaps once he decides to get serious, he might contact you to see where you stand with him. People prefer comfort and security in life, and he might need to feel these primitive feelings eventually.
There are some things you have no control over in life, and this is one of them. Stay in no contact and find a way to let go of that which no longer serves you positively. Find new positive anchors and work hard to make yourself as amazing as possible. Live well and happily to be the best you can possibly be. I’d say your chances of getting him back aren’t very big, but not impossible. The chances of getting someone better though, are tremendous.
Best of luck!
Zan
Does this rule apply if you wernt the best partner becuse you were acting mean and controlling at times? Should i reach out and apoligize after a few months?
Hi Desmond.
Indefinite no contact applies almost to all situations. There are a few instances in which NC doesn’t work/works less effectively. Your ex will slowly let go of the anger as time goes on. If you haven’t apologized right after the break up, wait until she reaches out.
Once you’ve reopened the channels of communication, say something like, “Hey, I’ve been thinking a lot about my behaviour when we were together. I was controlling and lashed out at you out of fear. I realise now that I treated you poorly sometimes, and I’d just like you to know I’m sorry for that. I wish you all the best.”
Kind regards,
Zan
Thank you alot for the advice. This is our secod big breakup in 4 years. Does this mean its over for good even if im doing indefinte no contact? She just moved two hours away to finish school…The first breakup i didnt do no contact i just got lucky she came back because she got Jealous!
It doesn’t necessarily have to be the end. She is eventually going to get tired of breaking-up, so if you’re going to make it work, do it now. You have to do the no-contact until she is ready to talk again, unfortunately. In the meantime, work hard on becoming a better version of yourself. Please don’t take this most crucial step to a successful reconciliation lightly.
Best of luck!
Best blog I’ve read about no contact helped me tons ❤
Hi Tamera.
Glad the blog has been of help to you. I wish you all the best!
Zan
This is the first blog that I’ve seen so far where replies are being made in such a thoughtful manner. I am thrilled that those of us going through breakups seem to have a place to get decent advice. I’ll be posting my question later today and would love to read your thoughts, Zan.
Thank you on behalf of all of us.
Marc
Hi Marc.
I’m glad you appreciate the time and effort I put into this website. I started this blog with the intention to help those that are going through a hard time by sharing a few useful tips on how to handle yourself during a break-up. There’s still a lot more I have to learn as I follow my “path to success.” Because helping people is a passion of mine, I like to make sure people get their answers and feel better about their situation as well.
Shoot your question when you’re ready.
Thank you,
Zan
I really appreciate your thoughtfulness with this blog so thanks again. Here’s my first question:
I’ve gone back to NC a couple of weeks ago. after a couple of months apart. I broke no contact last month after three weeks and decided to start over again on Nov 1st. I will NOT ever contact her again. I haven’t heard from my ex since Oct 1st and have to get back to NC to make her feel the separation and hopefully to see that she will miss me. I hope. Anyway, my question is…does her texting my daughter on her birthday indicate any hope that she wants to talk? Neither of my daughters have heard from her in months. Also, my ex’s mom sent a birthday card. We were together for over 12 years and I know that her parents are upset about this and hope we reconcile. All in all, we had a good relationship but had some minor issues that seemed to have blown up to being bigger than I thought would ever be. Marc
Hey Marc.
Thanks for the comment!
Her texting your daughter can’t be considered a sign to want to talk to you or get back together. She has to make direct contact with you in order for her to have a positive interaction with you. If she were to ask your daughter questions about you and your well-being, then that would be a sign that she’s been thinking about you. Since she hasn’t done that, she currently has no intentions of reopening the channels of communication with you.
This makes it loud and clear to remain in NC until something changes in the future. Her parents wanting the two of you back together is a good thing indeed. Sometimes family can be a big eye-opener for the dumpers, as it can set them back on the track.
In the meantime, work on the issues that were present in your relationship, because you never know what will happen in the future. Do it for yourself to become the best you can possibly be.
Zan