In this post, we’ll compare the indefinite no contact rule to the 30-day no contact rule. We’ll explain which works best and what you should be doing during the no contact period.
Some of you may know that I’m an advocate of the indefinite no contact rule because it’s the only rule that actually makes sense. All other rules are not rules at all. They’re techniques random people on the internet came up with to give dumpees false hope and extort money out of them.
So if you’re planning on giving no contact a chance (which you should), do the indefinite no contact rule. This rule will help you regain your dignity and encourage your ex to come back when the time is right.
Just keep in mind that it could take a while for it to heal your wounds and affect your ex in ways it needs to.
30-day no contact rule
Before I go into detail about the indefinite no contact rule, I’d first like to talk about the 30-day no contact rule and when it can affect your ex.
When a relationship comes to an end, there is very little you can do to change your ex’s mind about you. You can’t just wait 30 days and then send your ex a few text messages to make your ex regret dumping you.
No contact doesn’t work that way as time on its own doesn’t do much for your ex. All time does is give your ex time and space to enjoy life and prevent your ex from resenting you. It doesn’t let your ex miss you. Not after 30 days.
Dumpers need way longer than that to regret leaving their ex. They need to explore their life (often other options) before they realize they’ve made a huge mistake and that they want their ex back.
I would say that the 30-day no contact rule works when a breakup occurs in the heat of the moment due to an argument or when the dumper doesn’t really want to break up (wants power and control). In such cases, 30 days are more than enough time for dumpers to regret leaving their dumpees.
And the funny thing about it is that dumpees don’t even have to contact dumpers! They just have to wait for dumpers to see that their exes aren’t chasing them and that their exes are strong and self-sufficient enough to carry on without them.
That’s when dumpers anxiously reach out to see how their ex is doing and if he or she is with someone else.
Some fake breakup experts claim that if your ex doesn’t contact you after 30 days that you’re supposed to initiate contact and chase your ex. They say you’re supposed to send a text they “just can’t resist” and win your ex back. But the truth is that texts of any kind don’t win dumpers over.
If mere calls or texts could trigger dumpers’ feelings (especially after 30 days), most people would get their ex back and live happily ever after.
But unfortunately, not all couples reconcile. Some dumpers can’t let go of their negative feelings, so they monkey-branch from one relationship to the next without taking the time to reflect.
I have personally tried the 30-day no contact rule and all I got from my ex was a neutral response that led nowhere. I think my ex said something like, “Why did you contact me,” so I had no choice but to go back to no contact.
My ex’s response hurt me a lot and made me even more desperate for reconciliation, so I could say I learned my lesson the hard way.
You have to keep in mind that your ex left you and that your ex must be the one to come back. You can’t contact your ex first because you’ll disrupt both your healing processes and get directly or indirectly rejected.
It’s much better (safer) for you to wait for your ex to make the first move because that way, you’ll know that your ex actually wants to speak to you.
Your ex may not want you back, but at least you won’t be chasing your ex and embarrassing yourself.
Indefinite no contact rule
If you’re counting the days since you’ve gone no contact, here’s what you should do. Start by following the no contact rule for 30 days. But once you’ve made it to the 30th day, don’t reach out to your ex. Instead, extend your no contact rule indefinitely and focus even harder on yourself.
If you do that, you’ll soon feel much calmer and in control. You won’t be over your ex just yet, but you will get out of the depression stage of a breakup and no longer obsess over your ex 24/7.
My advice is not just to follow one rule which is not to contact your ex. If you want to get yourself back and also increase the chances of having a successful reconciliation/relationship with your ex, you should follow all the rules of no contact. The more rules you follow, the fewer setbacks you’ll encounter and the quicker you’ll heal.
Always remember that if your ex doesn’t reach out, your ex isn’t interested in getting back with you. Your ex is still set on leaving and is likely enjoying the relief and elation stage of a breakup. That would imply that your ex mustn’t hear from you. If he or she does, your ex will feel smothered and want to speak with you even less.
So respect your ex’s need to self-prioritize and respect yourself. You’ll probably hear from your ex when your ex goes through the first few stages of a breakup for the dumper and wants you back, wants to be friends, or needs something from you.
That’s when your ex will send you breadcrumbs and make you wonder what he or she is after.
About 3 months or so into no contact, you’ll feel much better. You’ll accept the fact that your ex might not come back and that it’s okay even if you never hear from your ex. Your healing and happiness will become much more important than an ex who abandoned you and made you deal with the breakup blues alone.
And that’s how it should be. No contact’s only purpose isn’t just to get your ex back. It’s to get yourself back so you can figure out if you really want to be with your ex. Right now, you probably think that you do because you’re hurt. But as time goes on, you’ll start noticing your ex’s bad traits and see that breakups happen for a reason.
Your particular reason may have been fixable, but the problem is that your ex didn’t want to fix it. He or she gave up on the relationship because he or she lacked the willpower and relationship skills to fix it. This is something you should keep in mind if you can’t stop idealizing your ex and fantasizing about getting back with your ex.
What happens during indefinite no contact?
During the indefinite no contact, power will be equally distributed between you and your ex. No contact will negate any begging and pleading and erase some of the bad memories from the relationship.
The longer you go without speaking to your ex, the more your ex will remember the positive aspects of the relationship and want to speak to you. So stay in no contact forever. Stay in it until you’re certain your ex has processed the breakup and started to value you again.
You’ll know your ex values you when your ex takes the initiative and shows romantic interest in you. Bear in mind that you’re not just waiting for your ex to reach out because that could get you friend-zoned. You want your ex to invite you out, apologize, ask for forgiveness, and ask to get back together.
Will your ex forget about you?
Many dumpees worry that their ex will forget about them during no contact. They think that by going no contact, they’ll make it easier for their ex to move on. But the truth is that their ex has already moved on. Their ex has broken up with them, which is why it’s safe to say that love is gone.
At least for now. Love could return if their dumpers fail to find happiness without their dumpee and get in some kind of trouble.
So as painful as the breakup has been for you, know that your ex won’t forget about you during no contact. If anything, your ex will think about you more because you won’t pester your ex with annoying messages and demands. You’ll let your ex go, which will make your ex wonder where you are and what you’re doing.
What if my ex finds someone else?
Your ex might find someone else during no contact, but, unfortunately, this isn’t something you can control. If your ex likes someone and decides to date him or her, you can’t prevent your ex from doing that. You no longer have a say in your ex’s life because you lost that privilege with the breakup.
If you stay friends with your ex with the intention to dissuade your ex from dating, I can tell you that you’ll fail. Not only will you fail, but you’ll also annoy your ex and make your ex want to date that person even more.
You’ll essentially push your ex towards this person and make yourself look really bad.
So don’t try to stay in touch with your ex out of fear of your ex finding someone else. If your ex starts dating someone else, that should tell you that your ex just doesn’t care anymore and that it’s time for you to protect your heart and stop interacting with your ex.
Usually, dumpers are ready to date right after the breakup. They don’t need time to heal the way dumpees do because they’re emotionally detached and ready for new romantic experiences. It’s unfair, I know, but that’s what detachment does for people.
You should try to detach as well so that you can also do what’s best for you.
Things to work on while you’re in indefinite no contact
No contact is a blessing in disguise. If you don’t feel motivated to work on yourself now that you’re hurting, you never will. So don’t waste your time by hoping and praying your ex will come back to you. Instead, reflect on your relationship and figure out what went wrong.
This is your chance to improve your shortcomings and better yourself in as many ways as possible. The more work you do on yourself during this difficult time, the more successful your relationship with your ex or with someone else will be.
If you don’t know what to work on, that doesn’t mean you have nothing to work on. It just means that you haven’t reflected yet and that you first need to figure out why. If the breakup just happened you may be too hurt to think about anyone and anything other than your ex.
That’s normal.
But if it’s been months and you’re still thinking about your ex day and night, then perhaps you need to change your focus and spend more time with friends and family. They may be able to distract you from all this ex-back stuff and show you it’s not the end of the world.
I can’t say what it is that you need to work on because I don’t know you, but you can probably start by letting go of reconciliation hope and improving self-control, patience, and self-esteem.
Demonstrate change and improvement
Right after the breakup, there’s absolutely nothing you can do to showcase improvement. Your ex won’t notice your growth even if you try because he or she will be busy with the breakup and will need lots of space and time.
Once your ex stops feeling relieved and no longer needs time to feel better, your ex will become much more receptive to the things you do and don’t do. Your ex will ponder about you more and be tempted to reach out. Your goal as a dumpee, therefore, is to remain patient in no contact so that your ex can see it’s safe to communicate again.
So if you’re trying to impress your ex, don’t try to do that directly by communicating with your ex. That will prove the opposite of what you’re trying to prove.
Instead, follow the following tips.
Stay in no contact
Have you ever heard of the phrase that silence speaks louder than words? You probably have.
By cutting off all communication, you’ll achieve something very important. You’ll convey to your ex that your ex isn’t as important as your ex thinks and show that you’re not needy and dependent on your ex for love and recognition. By going completely silent, you’ll show that you respect your ex’s decision and that you’re not going to reach out to your ex just because he or she broke up with you.
You see, indefinite no contact isn’t some sly manipulation tactic. It’s a technique that proves you’ve got what it takes to focus on yourself when someone you love abandons you.
And that speaks volumes because it makes you look strong.
Always remember that no contact on its own speaks to your ex in your stead. You don’t need to tell your ex that you’re focusing on yourself and improving because no contact is doing that for you. It’s making you look better than if you were to defend yourself and try to prove your worth.
Social media
Social media, such as Facebook and Instagram are great places for posting pictures of your new adventurous life. They make it easier to show that you’re not crying and doing nothing with your life but that you’ve become more active and interested in evolving as a human being.
If you want to master the art of using social media to your advantage, don’t pretend to be happy and act out of character. Your ex knows who you are and will see right through you. Instead, upload pictures and videos as frequently as you used to before the breakup and post only the best of the best of your life.
Just keep in mind that your ex could delete you, block you, or unfollow you. This happens when dumpees appear unaffected by the breakup and try to show off.
Texts/phone calls
When your ex gets in touch with you during the indefinite no contact rule (not the other way around), you want to be on your best behavior. You want to remain positive and optimistic and never bring up the breakup.
Act as if it didn’t happen and only talk about your life. Don’t ask your ex things like who your ex has been seeing and if your ex thinks about you. Such things no longer concern you. They stopped concerning you when your ex broke up with you.
You need to send a message that you’re too busy enjoying your life to worry your ex might be having fun without you.
Moreover, don’t talk to your ex for hours. If your ex doesn’t express the desire to get back with you a few minutes after breaking the silence, your ex doesn’t want to get back with you. Your ex just wants to check up on you and stop talking to you when it’s convenient for your ex.
You need to be aware of that so you can end the conversation as soon as you know your ex is reaching out to breadcrumb you.
Mutual friends
Mutual friends will do all the hard work for you. They’ll tell your ex what you’ve been up to and how you’ve been handling the breakup. They can be extremely helpful as they’ll act as your informants. So tell your friends everything you’ve been up to since the breakup.
Inform them of your new exciting life and everything you’ve managed to accomplish. If they see you’ve grown and fallen in love with yourself, you can be certain they’ll tell your ex about it. Your ex will either ask about you or they’ll tell your ex because they want to.
Personal encounters
If you see your ex in person, you want to briefly let your ex know that you are doing well. Tell your ex you’ve been really busy and make it seem like the breakup has helped you get things done.
That will make your ex wonder where your happiness and success come from and if you’re with someone new. Of course, don’t lie to your ex and play jealousy games, but do show that you’re happy and don’t need your ex to enjoy your life.
When your ex encounters problems and needs a person to confide in, your ex might get in touch with you to lean on you for support.
None of the above
If your ex deleted and blocked you on social media, you probably pushed your ex’s buttons or exhibited needy post-behavior. You made your ex feel unsafe and forced him or her to block you.
But if your ex blocked you for no reason out of the blue, then know that your ex will probably unblock you later. Most dumpers do because they realize they treated their ex way worse than their ex deserved to be treated.
If you have no means of showing your ex the new you, you probably won’t be able to show your ex that it’s safe to reach out to you. But that’s okay because you won’t need to. Your ex will reach out when he or she wants to or needs to. In other words, you’ll hear from your ex when your ex feels it’s safe to reach out or when something or someone forces your ex to reach out.
That someone could be the person your ex dates after you.
So don’t worry about proving your worth to your ex. You have nothing to prove in no contact. You just need to heal so that when your ex gets hurt, you look as attractive as you possibly can. Keep in mind that dumpers want to be with someone strong and reliable.
Strength attracts them as it helps them deal with their problems.
Should you lose hope?
You should never wait for your ex to come back to you. You just don’t know if your ex will come back tomorrow, in ten years, or never. Nobody knows when and if your ex will have an epiphany. It’s the uncertainty that makes breakups so difficult.
The indefinite no contact rule should, however, make you realize that your ex shouldn’t be the main source of your happiness and that you’ve got plenty of people in your life who appreciate you for who you are. They may not make you feel that you can’t go on without them, but that’s because you weren’t in love with them.
You didn’t have a romantic connection with them.
Right now, you want your ex back because you’re hurt and still value your ex. But once indefinite no contact helps you lose hope, that could change very quickly. You could enjoy your new life and love yourself so much that you stop waiting for your ex to come back.
That’s why you should wait for your ex for as long as your mind tells you to hold on to hope. Once you detach and stop feeling hopeful, don’t deliberately look for more hope. Try to focus on yourself instead so that you can attract new romantic opportunities and enjoy everything life has to offer.
Do you agree that the best no contact rule is the indefinite no contact rule? Share your thoughts and experiences with this rule in the comment section below.
And if you want to talk to us about the indefinite no contact in private, sign up for coaching here.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
My dad used to say, “If you want her to quit playing silly games and come home, tell her to ‘F☆@% off’. If you are tired os her $h!+ tell her to ‘F☆@% off’.”
Funny thing is. He got my dumper mom back by not being in ‘No Contact’ with her. He did give her some space, but he would talk with her once a week or so.
Hi A.
Dumpers need space. The more space they get, the bigger the chance that they’ll become nostalgic when something goes wrong. Your mom was probably still open to reconciliation and was waiting to see what would happen.
Best regards,
Zan
I stumbled upon your articles just very recently. I must say I appreciate a LOT that you also take time to answer all these questions from people needing advice.
I have been dating this girl for about 14 months and it’s remote.
We agreed that we will not be in an exclusive relationship, but at some point we said the L word to each other (after being together in person).
The last 3-4 months have been difficult. She didn’t have much time for me anymore and I didn’t feel loved. Sometimes I gave her space and sometimes I acted needy and chased her too much.
My mental health went down until I had a meltdown.
I couldn’t resist to tell her about my feelings, things like sometimes I miss her extremely much and that recently I don’t feel like we know each other very well anymore.
I revealed to her everything about how very needy and weak I was.
I also gave her some suggestions how I would like to improve our communication.
She seemed to take all this very warmly and understandingly and we had a loving conversation about it and about how special we are to each other etc.
She said she would text me the next morning when she wakes up (I didn’t ask for it).
She didn’t text.
Later that day I sent her a photo, something like I would sometimes send when things are normal. She didn’t respond.
I wouldn’t be lying much if I told you I have NEVER double texted her. So I haven’t double texted now either.
In essence I’m in no contact.
But I haven’t been explicitly dumped either. We didn’t even have a real or traditional relationship.
It’s been 9 days now since my last message.
I think she started to feel guilty due to what I said and asked.
I’m sure she lost a lot of respect and attraction towards me.
Practically I’m a dumpee.
I’m recovering from super strong emotions.
I’m moving forward and concentrating on myself etc etc and following the rules of no contact.
And here’s my questions finally:
Her birthday is soon, at that point it will be about 16 days since last contact.
Should I contact her on her birthday? I know I shouldn’t if I was really dumped from a real relationship.
But in this case it seems too harsh to forget her that completely.
IF I contact her, I’m thinking:
A. Tell her happy birthday (in my own style) and that’s it.
B. Tell her happy birthday and remind her that she can contact me when she feels ready for it (is it unnecessary?).
I’m NOT planning to ask her anything to initiate conversation to avoid pushing or pressuring her in any way.
Which one do you think is best?
If I don’t contact her on her birthday, should I contact her after X days have passed or keep it indefinite until she comes to me?
And extra question for when we eventually get back in contact:
I think it’s good idea to act similarly to your article my-ex-called-me-to-see-how-i-was-doing.
But:
Do you think I should somehow address the things I said to her before this pause? Or just completely shut up and forget about them?
I think I should show understanding towards her feelings and situation and need for space. Even if she doesn’t seem to show understanding towards mine.
Do you think just giving her the space in the form of no contact is enough to show understanding and there’s no words needed?
Also I think I should tease her a little bit (in a playful way!) about her promise to text me when she wakes up.
I think I should enforce my boundaries about keeping one’s word, BUT I don’t know if this is the right time to do it.
What do you think?
Hi Lauri.
You may not have officially broken up, but it’s evident you’re no longer together. She pulled a slow fade on you and indirectly showed you that she lost interest and feelings. Your attachment styles and/or desires for love weren’t matching, so she drifted away. I encourage you to not talk to her anymore (do no contact). But if you must wish her for her birthday, make it short and simple. Don’t remind her you’re still waiting for her and that she can reach out when she’s ready. She knows what she must do if she changes her mind.
Wait for her to come to you. Don’t address any issues unless she makes it clear she wants to be with you. Also, don’t tease her. Be confident and work on growing your self-esteem.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan,
My just ex-girlfriend (of 7 months) were previously friends for some time. We I have different attachment styles and probably different relationship views. First few months were ok but then I started not feeling a priority since she has many hobbies and friends and wants to give her time to everything. When I voiced this out she said that everything is important to her (including me) and she won’t remove or reduce any of her activities because otherwise she’d feel suffocated in the relationship. (I never told her to stop anything and always encouraged her in whatever she is doing). One of her friends who is also gay, do some sports with her and also chats with her everyday. One day she wanted to go for a beer with her and I showed my concern/fear that something might grow between them.. I was insulted as being jealous and insecure and I need therapy. Yes I do understand and agree that I may be a little insecure but i think this is normal behavior for someone who is in love and fears of losing the other person. Nevertheless I agreed to go for therapy. She also goes for therapy because she has a history of abuse and traumas. I do know that she has avoidant attachment while I am more of an anxious type. With my behavior she was feeling suffocated even though I always accepted her nature and said yes to whatever she suggested. But it looks like we were really triggering each other. Recently we were having a lot of arguments and she always brings up past arguments until she said she needs space because she’s very confused. During this space she texted me and called me every day, and whilst at some point she seemed like she’s coming around, this week she broke up with me telling me that we are not good for each other because our needs in a relationship clash. I really wanted to work on myself and our relationship and even though I was trying to understand her it seems that she just cannot understand me. She said she still wants to be friends but yesterday I told her to stop all contact because I need some time to get over her before I can be friends. We had a trip planned in three months and yesterday she asked me to still go but I told her it’s too early to decide and I will give her a reply later on. Can you give me an advise about this.. I’m so sad and confused.
Hi Sad & Confused.
You indeed had different attachment styles and relationship expectations. The biggest problem though was that she thought you had all the work to do and that you needed to give her space. What she really needed to do was care about your feelings and stop doing things that hurt you. That would have made you feel less insecure and enabled you to trust her.
I encourage you not to be friends with her. The relationship ran its course, so you need to let it be for now. Go full no contact and stay in it until things have changed.
Best regards,
Zan
6 year relationship with a few breakups during that time, all in all a good and loving relationship, neither of us wanting to get married or live together (mostly because we’re both retired, both set in our ways and I don’t want to, after a long marriage. Husband died after I took care of him for 7 years until close to the end) We’re both sort of loners.
Got into a brief text argument with BF after I voiced a disappointment. His texts were defensive and totally blame shifting. After the last snotty text from him, I did not reply to it, I had no desire to keep defending myself. Since then total silence from my end, which I know greatly surprised him, especially my absolute NC after that text exchange, which I know he never expected. I never did that before ….
It’s been almost 4 months now …
I’m making my NC indefinite and it looks like he’s doing it too, he’s super proud. I’m figuring if we belong together, we’ll someday somehow be together again … I won’t ever contact him, though I love him still. Do you think HE will eventually contact me? I do believe he greatly cares about me or is a fantastic actor! ( I want your opinion, you are VERY wise!) Thank you!
Hi Ingrid.
He probably cares about you as a person, but not romantically otherwise he would have reached out already. He seems to be a bit resentful at the moment as he blames you for the way he feels. You can’t reason with him as long as he feels this way.
You’ll probably eventually hear from him. But you won’t care about it when you do.
For now, stay in no contact and detach from him. Don’t give him additional reasons to feel victimized.
Kind regards,
Zan
Unless he is doing the sane thing she os doing.. 🤔
Hi Zan,
My girlfriend started exhibiting toxic traits of being moody a year into our relationship, getting angry over small things like why didn’t you say goodnight in a certain way.. etc. at some point she even apologized abt her behavior and mentioned she was too in love and jealous, she tried stopping this behavior but the moods never stopped until one day i lost it and confronted her behavior, yes i must admitted i used harsh words during the confrontation because i was in the heat! i told her to stop being an a$$ (I’m human i was angry) immediately she replied back and took it very personal, broke up with me on text in that instance and blocked me everywhere. Its bn a month, i never initiated contact or chased her – not even once – unless if she had not blocked me then i would have called her to talk about it a day or two later and find a way to resolve the issue. Could she have premediated the breakup? or she’s just a narcist / bad communicator/ immature? will she ever regret the decision she made and unblock me. Its sad cz the relations was going very well and all the other areas accept this moody behavior
Hi Craig.
She seems to be a very emotional and impulsive person. Because of this, she took it out on you and pushed you to the limit. A breakup probably needed to happen because she couldn’t address her issues and treat you like an equal. I can’t diagnose her, but she became resentful over time, and so did you because things weren’t improving. She’ll probably unblock you eventually. Stay in NC.
Zan
I don’t understand how could an expert write so stupid things here, like if your ex broke up whit you, their feeling and love lost or if an ex doesn’t contact whit you this means that they aren’t interested in you. After that he blame other couches who say the opposite.
Hi Fellner.
That’s exactly what it means when an ex breaks up with you and doesn’t contact you. The dumper wants to be left alone and focus on things that actually matter to him or her. I don’t know what other coaches say, but they certainly aren’t telling the truth if they state the dumper misses you.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi zan!
So just 5 days ago from today the 18th, my long term long distance high-school sweetheart girlfriend ended up separating over the phone after I had said some nasty things that struck a nerve with her earlier in the day. I believe this to be one of the only good relationship advice articles I’ve ever read and I’d like some feedback, I’m going to have the option to talk to them before the 30 days mark, and I’d like to get your opinion, should I show a real representation of how I’m feeling, or should I try to just leave it as mutual and give her distance whilst i talk to her.
I can fill in any more detail if need be, tha k you!
Hi Josh.
Respect her need for space and give her distance. She needs to come to you with a desire for reconciliation.
Hang in there,
Zan
Hi zan is it ever too late to start applying the indefinite contact rule?
Never.
Hi Zan! Thank you for your website. My (ex) partner dumped me 6 weeks ago after an argument that turned really nasty. He has been very vitriolic towards me while I tried to solve it somehow, but after 4 weeks I gave up trying and ceased contact and told him it’s not possible for me to have contact when he treats me poorly. He is staying with family while I am in our apartment. A week and a half after I stopped initiating contact he turns up out of the blue to “get some clothes”, but also asks to hug me, giving me alot of compliments, how he loves me and misses me. His behaviour confuses me. He showed very clearly he did not want anything to do with me but when I follow his queues he reels me in?
I didn’t want to end the relationship, he did. But I can’t fix the issues by myself and he takes no responsibility of anything. I don’t know how to act to do the least damage at this point or how to enforce no contaact before I have found a new apartment to live in. //Maria
Hi Maria.
Thanks for the comment. Your ex cooled off when you left him alone and started feeling bad. But don’t think he’s hugging you because he loves you. He just doesn’t want to leave you alone. He wants space, but not so much space that he doesn’t know what you’re up to. Try to distance yourself from him so you don’t get any hope from him. If you need to speak to him, speak only about important things, Maria.
Sincerely,
Zan
Thank you Zan. I haven’t contacted him and he hasn’t contacted me since then. Feels like he just wanted to see that I was still miserable and/or available. It’s hard for me to understand why he wants to kiss and hug someone he at the same seems to despise. What would you advice I do/say when he turns up here? thing is that I still want to sort it, but it’s all on him at this point and I don’t think he has the emotional knowledge to sort it. And I can’t give him all the insight that he then regurgitates back, will change nothing. / Maria
Hi Maria.
He doesn’t understand what he’s doing to you. He lacks the emotional intelligence necessary for putting himself in your shoes. I suggest that you refuse to do the things couples do. When he shows up, don’t pay him much attention. Focus on yourself and the things you want to do. He needs to see he’s no longer a priority in your life.
Best regards,
Zan
Unless he is really trying to repair it, but embarassment and shame are making it hard for him to say what he means, so he is ‘coming up with an excuse’ to come over and then wants hugs.
Maybe talk to him aboit what you two want and where it is going.
Hi Zan.
I’ve been in a relationship with this guy for 2 years and 10 months. I’m a 20 years old student, and he is 24 already working. All was good, until last week. We’ve been on a vacation with his friends, which I don’t see very often. We had a little fight there because I didn’t interact much with them, but he said we will discuss this when we get home.
So the problem is, according to him, I’m not sociable enough for him. I told him I’m going to change, improving myself. 2 days after, he said he talked to his mom about us and he realised what he wanted me to do was kinda toxic(he said he felt like I had to complete a check-list) and he felt like an asshole. I accepted it, helped him pack his things yesterday, no crying, no figthing, ended on good terms, we both agreed to keep in touch. But I started NC today, it will be kinda hard because he lives 2 streets away, but will move at the end of September. Do you think NC will make him come back? He said we were good together, but didn’t like the way he felt when we were around his friends. Before the trip we talked about moving together, so when we come back we will search for an apartment. He said that’s what scared him, doing a big decision towards our future and that I will not be his ideal gf(he wanted a girl that is the centre of attention). What do you think? The fact that he will move will make him think it would be better if I was with him? When we broke up he said he loves me, but it is better to go separate ways. I consider him to be very mature, I’m a bit scared that he will not change his decision.
Thank you for your time.
Hi Denisa.
Your ex doesn’t appreciate the person he’s in a relationship with yet. He wants his girlfriend to be exactly the way he imagined her to be. That means he has some growing up to do. And the only way he’ll do that is if he dates other women and compares them to you. Stay in no contact. Your ex will have to mature before he can return.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan. This was probably one of the most informative indefinite no contact articles I’ve read so far. My ex and I were together for 8.5 years, and he’s a wonderful person (with flaws!). This is the 3rd time he broke it off with me. I have since found out his attachment style is text book dismissive avoidant, and unknowingly I did things that were triggers for him (but could have easily been addressed in a different type of relationship). I contacted him after over 30 days of no contact, and we are on good terms, and he was being receptive to my texts. However, I did not want to pursue a texting relationship/friendship situation, and told him that “I want us to be together, and if he feels the same way he knows how to find me”… otherwise I need to move on for good. I have not heard back from him, and am in indefinite no contact working on myself and moving forward as best I can. I’m even going out on dates. My question is, did I completely ruin my chances of a reconciliation by saying what I said. Thank you in advance for your objective insight.
Hi T_V_A.
I’m glad you liked the article.
You did not ruin anything – not by saying what you said nor by doing the things you did throughout the relationship. Your ex was the one who kept neglecting himself and falling out of love. You couldn’t make him stay because he didn’t have a healthy relationship mentality. Dismissive avoidant or not, he’s a grownup who could have and should have signed up for therapy.
Stay in no contact. This relationship needed to end so that he could change things up and find the help he needs.
Kind regards,
Zan
“My question is, did I completely ruin my chances of a reconciliation by saying what I said…”
Yes, and it’s a good thing, for fuck’s sake.
Why do you want to go back to your ex? Never, ever, EVER go back, no matter if you’re completely healed.
Because you don’t want the pain to go back to you.
Also, NEVER UNBLOCK them, ever. You should know and never forget. Be healed from the pain, sure, but never forget it.
Hello Zan,
I have been reading your blogs and there is some great information, thank you!
I have read a lot and done a lot of searching but I cannot find anything on my issue. First and foremost, I am a first responder and after 10 years on the job I have succumbed to PTSD and everything related to it. My fiancé and I had been together for 7 years and in 2019 I responded to the suicide of a friend and fellow officer. Since then I had gone numb and disassociated from everyone and everything. My fiancé did her best to support me through my journey. We decided to separate for a year while I focussed on treatment. We share the kids 50/50 and got along well until about a month ago (4 months into the separation) When we initially separated we talked all the time we would invite each other out when in came to the kids and went we went on a few dates. I was in a better place to start working on the relationship and doing the things she always wanted and she did a complete 180 and asked for space to do what she wanted and not to worry about anyone but her and the kids. We both do love each other and this was not a messy break. I know she hurting and has some things to workout on her end. Would the no contact thing work in this event?
Thank you,
M
Hi Marshall.
Your ex said she wanted to focus on herself, so you must let her. Communicating when she doesn’t want to would pressure her and make her lose respect for you. I can’t say if it will work, but you must give it a try anyway. While you’re separated, work on your mental health and consider changing careers if that would make you happier. Your ex will have to become curious and come to you when she’s ready.
Kind regards,
Zan
Unless… She did not initiate the no contact rule. Then, maybe she is firing ashot across your bow to signify she cannot hold on much longer. You may want to ask her if there should be no contact or if there is still achance to work it out. Maybe a year was a long shot, it is hard to hold on for that long. If you still lover her, TALK and maybe find common ground or at least come to terms with it being the end and move on with little to no contact.
What happens if we still live together and have a dog? How does that change the rule? We’ve been acting cordial, eaten something dinners together and watched some movies, but he is definitely in relief/elation, filling up his time and going out all the time. No clue if he’s seeing other people, but he hasn’t brought them back if so. It’s also only been a week and he’s staying in the spare bedroom.
Hi Piper.
Read this article on exes living together. As for the dog, I suggest you don’t take turns in walking the dog after someone has moved on. Someone should be the primary owner of the dog.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hello Zan,
Here’s my situation. I’m wondering if no contact is still possible. My ex girlfriend and I were best friends prior to dating, until she said that she didn’t want to date anymore and go back to just being friends. We had the typical break up talk. It was sudden and startling to me, so of course, I had some questions that o felt needed to be answered. I expressed regret for what she felt my short comings were, told her that I respected her decision, and although I obviously didn’t like it, I’ll honor where we are at.
For a while, it “worked “ We communicated nearly every day, talked about plans to get together to hang out, etc. it was damn near as if we were still dating. I everything seemed “normal” until after a weekend we had spent hanging out, she revealed that she is interested in another guy. This hit my like a ton of bricks. I pretty much had an anxiety attack and I did not expect that I would react that way.
Since then, communication hasn’t been quite the same. I’m hurt from that. Maybe I have been hurt all along and just suppressing it, and I believe that she knows that I’m hurt. I feel like I need to fall back for awhile to allow myself to recover. Is it still best for it to be indefinite?
Hi Lance.
She’s dating someone else already and wants to keep doing that, so you have no choice but to do the indefinite no contact rule. Also, she may have developed feelings for this guy when you were still together. It’s impossible for me to say, but dumpers often do that. Keep that in mind.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan, I am a woman from Europe and my girlfriend dumped me after recently losing her (narcistic) mother. She became distant and is in extreme grief and says she ‘can not have a relationship right now and can only focus on the grief and what she wants in life’. It feels so empty without her. And it feels weird, because she was always the one who was even more into me than I was into her. She said I was the love of her life. A few days before the death she even mentioned an appartement that we saw and that she would immediately do it, if we could. In december she said we are such a great couple and fit so well together. We have a lot of fun, attraction, same interest, same goals and I really love her. I am doing the no contact rule now for a week and am gonna wait for 30 days. I think she has to reach out, but it feels harsh because she lost her mom and I wanna be there for her. She is not herself and is only grieving and wants to be alone. Our relationship had some ups and downs and I am scared she is making this bigger in her head right now and wants quietness. I asked her if she cannot have a relationship or doesn’t WANT a relationship. She said she wants me and loves me and that we will be together if that is faith. She said I should not wait for her, but that the idea of someone else makes her sick. She slept in my arms that night and said she loves me a lot. She said she is gonna miss me so much and doesn’t wanna go away for me. I said: if u wanna go for now, i let u go. And she said that is love. What can I do after the 30 days? I really hope she will reach out…I know that what we had was real love. This big life event of loss can have such impact. Side note: I have been very critical on her during our relationship and I think she has the feeling that she has to look good, be nice and stuff when she sees me and that she cannot do that right now. I have been critical because I couldn’t accept the love I was getting, I was sabotaging it because I do not love myself so much and am very critical of myself. Can she come back after the biggest sadness? I can not let this go easily, because I have hope somewhere. I know we have such chemistry, fun, warmth and she said i feel like home to her and i feel the same. I don’t want to lose her. What can I do? Only wait? I am the bad girl her, I hurt her with my words. So it is not like i am the victim here who got dumped out of nowhere. She loves me but can not live with the critical comments. I want to go in therapy to fix myself. What would you advice me? Can I contact her after 30 days? Because I am not the victim, but hurt her….Can U help me? Thanks Zan.
Hi Sas.
Your girlfriend left because she couldn’t reach your expectations. She was coping with grief and loss, so she could only focus on her. I’m not sure if she’s using her mother’s death as an excuse to get some space, but you must give it to her anyway. Wait 30 days, but if she doesn’t reach out then, extend the no contact rule indefinitely. You can’t be the one to reach out because she asked for space. All you can do is wait for her to contact you.
I know you hurt her, but so did she. Let her come to you and work on yourself in the meantime.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I betrayed my ex who then dumped me a few years ago. I’ve been hugely regretful and have had a hard time moving on. I’m still in the depression stage. She says she still has love for me and wants to remain good friends. As such we’ve remained in contact and have even been on holiday recently, as friends. The whole time I’ve hoped to show her I’ve changed so we get back together, but it hasn’t quite worked yet, so I suppose I’m also partly in the denial stage.
I’ve not had a no-contact period with her for more than 2 weeks- having infrequent contact with her depresses me further, but then so does hearing about her living her life to the full.
Should I go no contact even after years, for the sake of acceptance?
Hi Jimmy.
You should go no contact as you have nothing to prove to your ex. If it were possible to prove change, she would have come back already. But since she hasn’t, you should end the friendship. Your ex needs much more than just “change” to come back. She needs to redevelop feelings.
Best,
Zan
Hi Zan
I got dumped 4 months ago because we had a few arguments which I didn’t handle well. In the beginning I agreed to stay friends but I asked for some time to heal & work on myself. My ex was still reproachful when we texted each other & told me that’s why he lost feelings. We did met twice during that time, which was calm & nice but I was the one initiating most. I really want to make things work so I started No Contact (for the first time) almost a month ago. He did reach out 3 times. & one time he was a little bit angry because he felt ignored & he assumed I have met someone new. Because of my 30 days are almost over & he reached out a few times I’m wondering if it’s Ok to contact him or is it better to wait until he puts more effort? He is a very insecure person.
Hi Ronya.
Since your ex dumped you, he has to be the one to put in the effort. You can’t make it easy for your ex or he’ll take you for granted and fall out of love again.
Best,
Zan
“In this article, we’ll discuss the one and only rule that can help you get back together with your ex” Can someone explain to me why on Earth you’d want to get back with the one person you’ve established isn’t compatible with you? Like, can’t people just move on – not in the hope of getting their ex back but simply to find a more compatible person? Sincere question
Hi Lurker.
Moving on is easier said than done. There are so many factors that are preventing dumpees from doing that. Anxiety and pain are the main ones.
Kind regards,
Zan
Sometines people are still compatible but just need space because of life or emotional clutter.
Sometimes a good shake reminds of what is precious to us.
Hi,
I am going to try this but we didn’t end on bad terms really and we were long distance because we met in a holiday. We told eachother we loved eachother but he couldn’t do long distance because he had a bad experience (ex cheated) with it and wanted me to move down but realised that wouldn’t work either because he wants to be financially stable and get his business off the ground, he said he wants to be with me but decided we should be friends for now. He never bothered to call me and barely texted me because he was too busy with work. We met up again when I was on holiday and he told me he missed me we were continuously flirting but then we stopped talking all together after an argument we had about his (cheating) ex that contacted him and asked him to come see her. they broke up over 2 years ago and I’m the first girl he saw a future with and slept with after that relationship as he’s dated other girls before me. He said she tried to trigger emotions out of him and it almost worked to the point he considered things and nearly bought a flight to see her for a week but isn’t give in. It was our first proper fight and we apology to eachother the next day and he was fine. I sent him a video to cheer him up cause he said she made him bring up so much negative thoughts that was making him upset. He hasn’t texted me since he laughed at the video I sent. He viewed my snap story twice but that’s it. I don’t know if he misses me or if he’ll ever want us to be in a relationship in the future.
Hi Kim.
Your ex may not want to be in a long-distance relationship with you, but that doesn’t mean you should keep waiting for him. You should keep in mind that he doesn’t value you enough to overcome his issues and trust you. I think he’s going to date someone else soon, and it’s probably going to hurt you.
I suggest you try to avoid seeing him happy with another person by going no contact.
Stay strong!
Zan