Updated on August 27, 2025
Are you still in love with your ex after 20 years?
If you are, that’s perfectly normal. Some people still have feelings for an ex they dated over 20 years ago. Some have feelings even for people from 30 or 40 years ago. Time may pass, but it doesn’t change their perception of their ex, their happiness, and their nostalgia.
If they’re not happy or as happy as they think they could be if they were with their ex, they often compare their current life to the life they had with their ex, and by doing so, reinforce their negative beliefs and nostalgia. They convince themselves that their ex is the best they ever dated and that they’re meant only for one person – their ex.
Such convictions limit them from developing healthy connections with other people, as they constantly tell them they’re wasting their time on people they have nothing in common with.
Obsession with an ex is a serious and common matter. But it’s not that common after 20 years of breaking up. Most people eventually change how they see their ex and meet people who are better than their ex. They’re better simply because they had more time and opportunities to learn relationship lessons and mature. Every partner should be better than the previous one in terms of self-development and compatibility, provided you invest in yourself and discover what kind of people work best for you.
When you break up, you should reflect and determine what went wrong. Once you’ve realized your and your ex’s mistakes and personality clashes, you should avoid certain people and prevent unhealthy behaviors from repeating themselves.
So if you love an ex from the distant past, remember that it may be due to a few possible reasons:
- You haven’t let go of your ex yet. You held on to your ex, thinking your ex would eventually come back.
- You haven’t found happiness with someone else or on your own. Things haven’t been going well for you.
- Something or someone recently triggered your nostalgia and made you reminisce about the old times. It could have been another breakup or simply a bad day.
Whatever the case may be, you still love your ex after 20 years because you haven’t been very successful in your personal and/or romantic life. You’ve probably been looking for a replacement for your ex rather than an upgrade. That implies you’ve been waiting for someone like your ex to come into your life and, by doing so, sabotaged your romantic expectations and detachment from your ex.
It’s hard to detach and heal when you constantly remind yourself that there’s no point in looking for or accepting people who look, talk, or act differently from your ex. If you give up on dating because you don’t think any other person is good enough for you, you have an obsession problem. Your mind is stuck on someone who hurt you deeply and, through pain, jumped on a pedestal and convinced you that you aren’t worthy of his or her love and commitment.
It’s not that your ex is a one-of-a-kind pony, but that you placed your ex high up on a pedestal and convinced yourself he or she was irreplaceable. Your love for your ex after 2 decades is your own doing. You made your ex into the best person ever by giving him or her tons of importance. In the process, you stripped yourself of your own value and made it impossible to fully move on and find joy without your ex.
What you must understand is that you don’t just miss your ex’s personality. That’s a part of it, but what you want to re-experience more than anything is the comfort, validation, and familiarity your ex once gave you. You want to relive the good moments from the past, even though those moments preceded the bad ones.
Your brain remembers mainly the good aspects of the past and ignores all the problems, the loss of feelings, and post-breakup behavior.
That means you’re thinking with your emotions, not your brain—and that you need to change your approach if you want your fixation with your ex to fade. You must start thinking rationally and learn that your ex is no good for you. He or she lasted this long in your head and heart because of the thoughts you entertained and the feelings you felt.
It’s time to break that pattern and become emotionally independent.
Today, we’ll talk about what to do if you’re still in love with your ex after 20 years or longer.
Why do I still love my ex after 20 years?
A lot can happen in 1 year, let alone in 10 or 20. You’ve both probably changed a lot and become different people. Personality-wise, you’re probably similar to some degree, but you’ve dated other people, achieved various goals, and lived life on your terms.
Differences aren’t necessarily a bad thing, as they likely attracted you to each other in the first place. But despite that, you might not be a good romantic fit. That’s especially likely to be the case if you became guarded over the years or refused to adapt and grow. Many ex-couples drift further apart and refuse to change in ways they need to. They prefer to blame others for their unhappiness and failures and stay as they are maturity-wise.
Only self-aware ex-couples actually think about what went wrong and try to fix it so they can have a better relationship with their future partner.
Whether your ex has changed for the better is impossible for me to say. But if your ex has been dumping people left and right, your ex probably hasn’t been forced to evolve. He or she has been maintaining relationships the same way as before and failing to learn the lessons he or she needed to learn.
You don’t love your ex because your ex is the only person on the planet who can make you happy. You love your ex because you suffered a painful shock and never got over it. Instead of working through your feelings, you reacted to them and stayed attached to your ex. This means you kept hoping your ex would fail to find happiness without you and come back to invest in a future with you.
It’s okay to have hope for reconciliation for a year or even two if the relationship was intense and the breakup traumatized you. But it’s not okay to stay hopeful for years, especially decades. If you continue to worship the ground your ex walks on for years after the breakup, you have no one but yourself to blame. You’re hurting yourself deliberately and need to take back control.
It’s in your best interest to discover that you still love your ex after 20 years because you’ve been fueling your ex-obsession rather than ending it. Your thoughts and emotions kept your cravings strong and made it impossible for you to find joy and purpose outside of the relationship with your ex.
We could say you wasted a lot of your feelings on your ex. Maybe you didn’t obsess for 20 years every day straight, but your lack of action certainly didn’t help. It allowed you to keep thinking positively about your ex and prevented you from connecting with others. If you built a strong connection with someone new after processing the breakup, your ex wouldn’t stay on your mind. You simply wouldn’t have a reason to—because the new person would be meeting your emotional needs.
That’s why it’s important to understand that your obsession with your ex doesn’t come from your ex’s actual value, but from the value you’ve given to your ex. You’ve associated a lot of romantic potential with your ex and, as a result, regretted breaking up with him or her all this time. You wish things had never ended and that your ex could save you from misery.
Speaking about misery, you see your ex as your savior – someone who can pull you away from your unhappiness, self-pity, and regret. You want your ex to take your pain away and hide the lack of success and happiness you failed to secure for yourself during all these years. You’re not doing what you need to be truly happy without your ex.
I don’t know what’s going on in your life, but if you’re unhappy and nostalgic because you haven’t had much romantic success with other people, that’s not something your ex can or should help you with. You should help yourself by getting over the rejection/failure and improving your self-worth. Your ex probably won’t find you attractive and want to get to know you if he or she senses that you’re miserable and need saving.
If you’re married or in a relationship with someone, you may be craving your ex’s love because you’re not happy or as happy as you want to be. You’re either taking your partner for granted and forgetting that all relationships have ups and downs, or doing something to compare your partner to your ex. You may be talking to your ex, looking at your ex’s happy social media pictures, or focusing on your partner’s negative traits.
You need to stop doing that and focus on regaining your emotional independence. You mustn’t let the ghost of your ex control you and bring you down. You’ve done that long enough. Now is the time to detach from your ex once and for all and get your ex out of your head.
Don’t forget that the breakup happened for a reason. Whether you didn’t get along, broke up due to depression or disapproving parents, took each other for granted, or someone cheated, the relationship couldn’t continue to exist. It had to end to make you both focus on your own happiness and goals. You need to remember that, so you don’t idealize your ex and the relationship.
Remind yourself that things weren’t working back then for one or both parties and that you had no choice but to go your separate ways. You had to find a way to be happy without each other. If you found it for a while, but regressed later, you must find it once more. Don’t count on your ex to make your life better. If you pin your hopes on your ex, you’ll put your ex in charge of your happiness and suffer immensely if or when you learn that your ex doesn’t want you back.
It’s extremely important to rely on yourself and your loved ones for happiness. Your ex can’t help you in ways you want him or her to. Not unless your ex redevelops feelings and asks to get back together. It’s not impossible, but if it hasn’t happened in 20 years, it’s probably better to put your energy into building your own happiness instead of waiting on your ex.
Waiting keeps you emotionally dependent and stuck in the past.
So remember that you still love your ex after 20 years because something’s missing in your life. Whether it’s detachment, happiness, self-love, life/relationship goals, a functional relationship, or anything that gives your life meaning, you need to get it before you attempt to reconcile with your ex. You need to be complete as a person before you bring another person into your life.
Another person can’t give you what you want or need. And even if he/she can, it will hurt you badly if a breakup happens, and you need to once again rely on yourself for basic human needs. Self-reliance is the solution to your pain and longing.
Having said that, here’s why you still love your ex after 20 years.
It doesn’t matter if you messed up (more than your ex) and caused the breakup. You have to forgive yourself, let go emotionally, and take your lessons into the next relationship. By doing so, you free yourself from the reminders of your failures, your ex’s abandonment, unprocessed pain, and the temptation to impress your ex and get another chance.
There are many things you can do if you still love your ex after 20 years. But one of the most important ones includes getting rid of everything that reminds you of your ex. This includes gifts such as jewelry, letters, and pictures. Once you’ve gotten rid of things that trigger nostalgia, anxiety, or negative thoughts and self-blame, it’s time to change your perception of your ex.
By changing how you think about your ex, you’ll stop craving your ex and stop caring about how your ex thinks and feels about you. You’ll be okay without your ex’s validation because you’ll know your true worth.
To speed up the process, you should stay super busy with your life. Focus on work, talk to friends, meet new people, and stay physically active. That way, you’ll enjoy your life to the fullest and have no time to think about the things that are missing in your life. You won’t even feel that anything’s missing because you’ll feel complete on your own.
You might not be in a relationship at the moment, but that’s okay because you need to prioritize your personal life over romantic cravings. Once you’re happy with who you are and what you’ve accomplished, you can probably add another person to your life. You won’t struggle to love yourself if something goes wrong.
You deserve better than to constantly think about an ex you dated 20 years ago and to crave his or her acceptance and affection. You deserve peace of mind.
The best way to achieve it is to reassess your ex’s romantic value and permanently close that chapter of your life. If you’re talking to your ex, you must stop doing so. Every time you converse, old feelings come rushing back. You relive the breakup, especially if your ex rejects you or shows interest in seeing/getting serious with someone else.
How to make your ex love you if it’s been years?
If you recently got back in touch with your ex and your ex is single, you don’t have to resort to magic spells to get your ex back. Spells and curses don’t work anyway. They just make you look crazy and obsessed.
You and your ex have to like each other and be on the same wavelength in order to reconnect as romantic partners. The only way for you to know if you feel the same way about each other is to get back in touch and see how your ex thinks and feels. If your ex dumped you, you should be very careful because you don’t want to get rejected again. You still have feelings, so talking and bonding are very dangerous.
You should preferably let your ex talk to you and invite you out first. If your ex doesn’t do that, your ex likely doesn’t want you back romantically. He or she probably just wants to be your friend. If you get the feeling that your ex genuinely wants to hang out and get to know you again, continue to be the best version of yourself and show that you can make him or her happy. Your ex will either like you, not like you, or be open-minded enough to get to like you. If your ex has no intention of reconnecting, you’ll find out very quickly.
That will be your sign to stop interacting with your ex and permanently leave your ex behind.
There are no magic tricks when it comes to reattracting your ex. The only technique you should use is the technique that presents you in the most attractive light. You impressed your ex before, so chances are that you’ll do it again. Of course, it won’t happen through jealousy games and manipulation, but by being your genuine self.
Just keep in mind that how your ex perceives you and what he or she feels toward you when you talk or meet up is completely out of your control.
For example, if your ex isn’t ready for a new relationship or feels disgusted by you—your ex obviously won’t like you. He or she will come up with excuses not to see you and continue to live his or her life without you.
If you keep texting and calling after that, your ex might even start ignoring you and decide to block you. So have some self-respect and don’t let your ex reject you over and over again. 20 years or not, you must back off when your ex shows no interest in getting close to you.
Remember that you can’t make someone love you by force. A person will fall in love with you when he or she engages in reflection and realizes your romantic worth. That’s when that person will initiate conversations, show interest in your life by asking you questions, and try to reconcile as quickly as possible.
A person who misses you and wants your love will chase your attention and validation even if it’s been 20 years. Don’t forget that.
What do I do if my ex doesn’t love me back?
If your ex doesn’t love you and/or wants to stay friends with you, it’d be wise not to continue to engage in conversation with your ex.
Don’t try to be “a good person” and stay friends with your ex just to keep your ex in your life. As long as you crave your ex’s love and attention, your ex will continue to starve you for validation and delay the time it takes for you to get rid of your romantic feelings.
Not only that.
Your ex will unintentionally put you through an emotional rollercoaster by using the push-pull technique on you. Your ex will likely talk to you one moment and then ignore you the next—and by doing so, make you hungry for love and recognition.
But when your ex pulls you in and sees that you want more, your ex will suddenly pull away and maybe even start dating someone else. That’s when your nostalgic cravings for your ex will increase so much that you’ll start to feel the pain of rejection—and crave your ex even more.
So if you truly love yourself and know what’s good for you, don’t put yourself through more pain and confusion. Don’t beg and plead and lower your self-worth. You deserve better than what your ex has to offer. You deserve someone who sees your worth and commits to you long-term.
As long as your ex doesn’t see your worth, your top priority is to focus on yourself and get your happy self back. Like I mentioned before, if you aren’t happy on your own, your ex or other people won’t want to be with you. They’ll find you emotionally exhausting and choose to stay away from you for their own sake.
How can I stop loving my ex?
If you’re still in love with your ex after 20 years and your ex rejected you or you’re married/in a relationship, the best way for you to stop loving your ex is to take the following measures:
- Disconnect from your ex and stop all contact.
- Find the reason why you still love your ex after so many years.
- Once you’ve found that reason, start working on your internal happiness. Become happy with yourself again and find your passion and zest for life. Seek professional help if you have to. Do whatever it takes to change your mindset and, consequently, your feelings.
If you seriously focus on moving past your ex—and most importantly, on finding yourself again, I guarantee that you’ll fall out of love with your ex.
You’ll become so busy with bettering your emotional well-being that you won’t think about people from the past anymore. You’ll worry about loving yourself and not about an ex from decades ago. Also, finding a new person to love will help tremendously. You’ll leave your ex behind for good when you find someone to connect with and feel understood by.
A new romantic interest will help you forget about your ex and feel in control of your life. Since it’s been 20 years, you probably won’t rebound. The new person will simply take your mind off your ex (distract you) and show you that there are plenty of compatible partners for you out there. They’re around you already—you just need to be open-minded and give people a chance.
Don’t be afraid of opening up to people just because the relationship with your ex or people after your ex didn’t work out. Relationships often fail, but that’s a reason to improve yourself and find people with whom you see eye to eye.
You’ll stop loving your ex when you recognize that your ex wasn’t very special and that you made him or her special by putting on your rose-tinted glasses and giving him or her too much importance. You’re probably not acknowledging all the times your ex hurt you and failed to meet your expectations.
If you get back with your ex, you’ll soon realize that your ex has the same or similar flaws and that you didn’t miss them one bit. You miss your ex mainly because you no longer have your ex in your romantic life, and think that your ex can put your life back on track.
Are you still in love with your ex after 20 years? How did you handle your feelings for so long? Post your breakup experience in the comments below.
However, if you want personalized advice about your ex, consider subscribing to coaching and reaching out directly. We’ll take a closer look at your relationship and breakup and come up with a plan together.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
I could literally write a book here but I don’t want to eventually upset someone even more than I already did. 21 years of silence are more than enough for me.
However, it’s funny how one morning I woke up, saying her name out loud. It seems like I simply forgot all the wrong she did to me. Too bad she’s not over what I said to her in turn, because for a month now I’m trying to get a reply to one of my emails I keep sending her and nothing comes through.
She was indeed my first but still.. is it possible to forget all the hurt and what was wrong and just come back to having feelings? Because I literally feel like I’m drowning and can’t breath and she’s on my mind 24h/day, 7 days/week.
Hi Cosmocris.
It’s more than possible to forget all the hurt. All it takes is a lot of unhappiness and nostalgia. Figure out why you’re missng her all of a sudden. If it’s random, you must have created a pattern of thinking about her. You need to break that pattern by convincing yourself she wasn’t and still isn’t the right person for you, and replace her with someone else.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thank you Zan for this article! It brings great comfort knowing their are several people dealing with the same struggle and sharing their stories.
You’re welcome, Kelly! Thanks for reading!
Zan
it’s been about 5years since my ex girlfriend ghosted me and I bothered her a lot the first year and a half until I took Zans advice and left her alone.She’s remarried and i’m amazed she didn’t hit me with a restraining order. she had me blocked on all social media. I have finally gotten over her and don’t even waste my time looking at old photos of us
Hi Billyc.
Great job on getting this far. It wasn’t easy, but you managed to recover fully and started a new chapter. Make sure to stay away from your ex for good. If for some reason, you get the temptation to check up on her, resist it and get busy. Work on your self-control and the things you want in life.
Kind regards,
Zan
Yeah, the diagnosis here is way off base in its assumptiveness. I still love an ex from 23 years ago, lets call her O, but none of those things apply. We broke-up amicably. I had many other relationships and am now married with kids. I am significantly more successful than O. My wife is has the same ethnic background as O, is just as smart — wife is more SAT Verbal, O is more SAT Math — is a bit younger and markedly prettier, especially as time goes. Though to be sure they both have the same Mila Kunis-esque look and indeed, all three hail from the same place. Most significantly she is domestically oriented, which was a source of tensions with O who is in my same profession.
All three of us have signifcant graduate education, but my wife was willing to exit before the end so that she could raise or children while O felt that she had invested too much not too finish. Even now when she contacts me — often after a few glasses of wine — its is to cry about how she doesn’t get enough time with her son and our profession turned out to be the cycnical politically dominated minefield as my wife — though not me at the time — correctly saw it.
Everything that you said disipate this “false” love has happened, but it is still undeniable that I love her and am *in* love with her. Though its a much softer and patina-ed in-love than it was or than I have with my wife. I thought maybe her habit of calling me from half-way around the world — she is back in Europe now — had reopened feelings and required another closure.
So, I completely laid it out to her. I told her I still loved her. She said that was insane tried to convince me that my life was good and my wife was beautiful. I told her no-no I love my life. I love my life. We broke up for the right reasons and the things we couldn’t give each other I now have. But, the heart has reasons that reason cannot know. And for those reasons I was going to block her on my phone and social media.
She seemed exsperated at the idea and asked if my wife was putting me up to it. I told her bluntly that no, but it doesn’t take a mind reader to know how I feel. My wife and I met up with my first love while visting my parents for the holidays. It was prefectly normal and non-awkward, with warm but platonic feelings around, yet literally as that coffee meet was winding down I got a text from O — about nothing really — and was visibly emotionally distracted and awkward. Both my first love and wife saw it right away.
So, after a string of protests she finally tearfully agreed. I blocked her. That was about six months ago. I haven’t heard from or seen her. Yet, today I unblocked her on one account because my heart just ached to see her face. She doesn’t know yet, but of course I feel like an idiot.
That’s what brought me to this post. Whatever is going on is deep and visceral and does not respond to the usual techniques. You might say that because of her similarities with my wife I am experiencing transference. But, my wife and O are by no means the only petite Eastern Europe intellectuals that I have been intimate with. My wife is also blonde now and Americanized which makes her closer to S, the other sort of super-major petite Ukrainian-descent academic that I’ve loved. O still has jet black hair and Slavic smart-girl style and mannerisms.
You could say that maybe I miss that, but honestly most of the women I’ve been with are exactly that and I don’t have these feelings for any of them. In contrast I would say that I definitely still love S and probably always will but I am not in love with her. Romantic feelings only come about from explicit nostalgia or reminiscing and the once that has ended.
In contrast my feeling for O well-up at random times and whenever they do they are like the sound of a ticking clock that one has just noticed, but somehow seems simultaneously to extend into the indefinite past. That is, it seems that these feelings are always there they are just usually far from the front of my mind. If I purposely think of O they are always there immediately and extending into the seemingly indeterminate past.
So, I’ve written too much already, but maybe this exogesis will release some of these feelings, I can reblock O and be none — or at least only a bit — worse for the wear.
You were honest with yourself Kevin and your audience here. It’s quite normal to still have feelings for an ex, however your wife appears to be a loving woman and good for you. Why would you want to sacrifice this? It sounds like you are so smart and over analyzing everything, however I am 100% percent certain your present wife would not or did not appreciate your banter with your ex. Would you be upset if you lost your relationship with your wife (or not)? Appreciate what you have or realize you are “fishing” for attention which may compromise your present relationship. Is it worth it? This is only for you to choose. We cannot answer for you.
Dr. Chris
So, here is a thing – it’s a long one sorry…. Met a girl, fell in love and had a really good relationship, though I was immature at the time, we kept braking up as; career factors – ‘won’t get far being married young’, and ‘go live your life before settling down’ and ‘your too young’ swayed me more than it did her. But something kept pulling us back and we muddled through until my infidelity (again) caused the ‘final break’, however it was that final break that something in me ‘pinged’ and I knew it was her – she was ‘the one’, but it was too late, she had great and welcoming family, everything (in hindsight ) one could hope for and I knew she had loved me, but was it too late for me to finally open up and explain it to her? My fear of rejection and a continuation of the pain that I was feeling was a very strong deterrent, so I decided to leave well alone and let her get on with her life and I mine.
In a very self-focused period of my life, I became a bit of a ‘cad’, giving every woman what she wanted and what I believed they wanted – the truth. Subconsciously comparing every girl against her, never seeming to settle down but still always wondering what she was doing, how she was and how I had missed an opportunity, but life rolls on, and I crushed all feelings into an small emotional ball and would do that by remembering the hurt and focusing on that. Time went by and I eventually got married and had two wonderful daughters and focused on life, but always would wonder how things were going on in her life and while working internationally would often wonder ‘what if?’ about this girl. While the opportunity to ‘stray away from home’ was presented many times, I always found it easy to brush things off and remained faithful.
Skip forward till about 10 years ago and through Facebook tied up with her brother. Chatted and found out that she had married and since divorced and was asked the dreaded question ‘ You were so ‘tight’ with my sister, do you mind if I ask why you split up?’. So I told the truth – By the time I had realised she was ‘the one’ – I had missed my chances and yes I had regretted it, but life rolls on and you continue as best you can.
Throughout my married life, I made and have stuck to my choices – good or bad. The choice to step off my career and look after my wife after our two children were born (V.V bad post-natal depression with both and a post-natal haemorrhage), all the time supporting her and the kids and helping her get back into her career choice. Eventually supporting her choice going back in to the legal profession and trying to get back into my career – which I found once one hits 50, is dead. So I focused on being a house husband and occasionally helping friends out in their business’s.
Then about 4 months ago, the ex’s mum passed away and I wrote to her husband and asked if I could attend the funeral, a wonderful reply back saying ‘of course, it would be lovely to see you’. And I did not think anything else of it, until the day of the funeral, while I was waiting I saw her. As to be expected, things were miserable due to the funeral, but I genuinely felt giddy, my heart started pumping and a shot of adrenalin popped through me. But I remained calm and supported the family as best I could. At the wake afterwards, I did the circuit and saw and spoke to the family and extended family, of which many remembered me and we caught up on the elapsed time! Then the time came, I was sitting down and she approached me and pulled up a chair and we began talking. What seemed like five mins was broken by a polite cough (and a grin) from her sister announcing that some people were leaving (it had been a good hour or so). We bade our farewells, after exchanging numbers and promising to call. On the drive home all I kept thinking was ‘How can I feel this way……. After so long?’ and ‘It’s not possible’. And thought nothing else of it.
Until a few weeks back – it was her birthday in early September (a date I never forgot and wondered in the past should I send a birthday card , but never did) and I had the excuse to contact her, but choose not to, after all I did not know who she felt about me and I was not going to be that ‘creepy ex’. That was until the day after her birthday she whatsapp’ed me with a sarcastic emoji for missing her birthday. Well that started a rather fun text exchange. That carried on for a while, and we decided to meet. And that’s where the problems started.
I was the first to break and splurged out how I was sorry for what I did, and that by the time I realised ‘she was the one’ I knew it was too late and my cowardice and pride prevented me from perusing her anymore and that even today and from when I saw her at the funeral, I was doing everything I could to remain rational and calm. She shot me a look, that is very hard to explain, and in a quiet voice said ‘why didn’t you? I have always loved you and I always wanted to see you again, yes I was angry, and yes you broke my heart, but you should have come back to me a talked. When I saw you at the funeral I was so happy and I had the same feeling as when I first saw you all those years ago! I have not stopped thinking about you since’.
We have met a few times since, and on the last occasion (and for the first time in 25 years) I kissed someone other than my wife. Not forced by either side, but natural, and this is where I need some help. Please.
I know what I am doing is wrong, I know I have a wife but now the kids are getting older, she is getting ready for ‘empty nest syndrome’ and refuses to admit that soon they will both be leaving, coupled with my lack of income and her career the past few years have been ‘cold’, but my ex has always been my ‘kryptonite’ and I appear to be hers. In conversation, it has picked up where we left off but with the added advantage that we are both a little older and wiser (sic) and so we don’t let things run out of control. The logical thing would be to walk away now, but I don’t think I can. I can’t explain it or the new/old feelings that I am currently experiencing, but I would appreciate some thoughts and any sensible advice greatly welcomed.
Thank you.
Anon
Coming in a few months late.. but better late than never…
Give it time. Don’t jump into anything. Figure out if this is real and deep or just *infatuation* or *loving the memory of who you were*. She could be a completely different person now.
Having said that – don’t blow it off/cut it off and walk back to the wife. Clearly you have feelings that should not be bottled up. It does not help with the relationship with the wife either.
At this point, you are mentally not into your wife and that relationship. Give it time, and see if it is lasting.. then sit down with the wife and have a chat with her about her life path and plans. Sometimes two people have a path together for some time, and then they go separate ways,. That was the journey. The time with the ex was a journey, the time with the wife was another journey, and who knows, the time with the ex all over again could be another journey in your destiny. Whatever you do, don’t rush it. You don’t want to jump into the ex, dump the wife and then realize you both are very different people now than before.. then you will have nothing but heart burn on both sides.
Cheers!
❤❤❤
❤
Hi Zan,
I dated my ex about 7 years ago for a year. The first 6 months were amazing, and I was head over heels. After a while, he started manipulating and psychologically, and eventually physically abusing me. We began fighting a lot, and when I found out he was cheating, I broke up with him. He tried to get me back for a while, but eventually we decided not to contact each other again. I am married now and love my partner, but I don’t get those whirlwind feelings I once did from my past. I want deeply to love the man I’m with as much as I loved my ex, but this relationship is so much more stable that I don’t think I’ll ever really feel the whirlwind romance of bittersweet feelings again. Do you have any advice as to how I can let go of my past?
Thank you
Gina
Hi Gina.
You remember the strong feelings from the past because they made you want your ex for the wrong reasons. You didn’t feel love, but rather emotional dependence and attachment. You indeed won’t feel the desperate need for recognition anymore, Gina – and that’s a good thing. It means that your relationship is stable and that you must appreciate it. Connect with your partner on a deeper level and you’ll feel a different, more positive kind of emotion. You don’t need to get hurt to feel connected. That’s not a healthy connection, it’s codependence.
You can let go of the past by realizing that the emotions you felt for your ex were unhealthy and that you’re much happier now. So focus on your partner and nurture the relationship. Express gratitude and plan the future.
Kind regards,
Zan
It’s been 3.5 years now. I met my other half at 33. He wasn’t perfect, but he was perfect for me. I always knew what I wanted and needed in a partner, but never actually thought I’d find that in one person. I was ready to just settle for ‘ok’ before I met him. Part of me wishes I’d never met him, as now I can’t be happy knowing how much is missing.
We were together for a year, but there was so much going on that we never seemed to get enough time together. Then we were torn apart due to outside influences. For me, it was a relative getting cancer and me having to drop everything and move to be with them. He had issues with his child and ex wife in court and at the same time lost a family member. We both had to move far away.
By the time we reconnected, he had assumed I would find someone else so he had done the same. He’d met a gold-digger on holiday on the rebound. She was open about wanting money, but he was convinced I was gone and so agreed to marry her very quickly so he would at have someone. When I came back to our country and met her, she actually asked me if I could hook her up with any wealthier men (!).
He knows about her obsession with money, but not about the cheating. He feels like he failed by divorcing once, and it cost him a lot. He won’t divorce again as it would financially ruin him and his child for good. She would get every last penny from him, as she has her claws in his businesses and everything else. She can do whatever she likes and he can’t do a thing. I couldn’t bear listening to her insult and humiliate him in public and him just sit there and refuse to do anything. So I left again and cut off all contact.
I’ve tried dating other men since then. I threw myself into dating and at first was optimistic I could meet someone else like him and be happy with them instead. I thought if there was one man who ticked all the boxes then surely I could find another. But I’m nearing 40 and haven’t found even half a match. Now it feels as though I’m losing him all over again, as it’s dawning on me that maybe I won’t find anyone else and he really was the closest I will get to being happy. That’s a pretty depressing thought.
Hi Sammy.
Perhaps you can’t find a match because you’re looking for a person who’s similar to your ex. Don’t tell yourself how good your ex was and that no one will ever make you feel as good as him. That is, unfortunately, not true. If you found your ex, that means you can find someone even better for you. You just need to look in the right places.
If you want to be in a relationship, you have to be a little more open-minded and give guys a chance. I’m not saying you should give everyone a chance, but don’t be so selective that you only get to know guys who make a good first impression. Although first impression is important, not everyone will show you their true selves the very second they meet you.
Best regards,
Zan
Thank you for this article.
I especially related to the part about being forced apart by parents and others. My ex and I were only in our teens when we were torn apart. My parents felt that I was too young and we moved away. We were both heart broken. Over the years I never stopped thinking about him, he even appeared in my dreams.
That was 28 years ago.
Over the years I had relationships and even had two children, which I wouldn’t change for anything. A few years after the break up, he found someone who helped him “get over” me. Then unfortunately she passed away suddenly at a young age. She died in his arms. He was devastated.
Recently, over the last two years we have been in touch and I have gone to his house to watch movies, we have been to eat out at restaurants on two occasions. My kids really like him and he likes them too. He said that he wishes they were his and probably could have been in another life. He told me that it was very hard to get over me and that the turning point came when his ex died in his arms. He said he would have given his life for her. I completely understand. She must have been a wonderful person to love someone as amazing as he is.
Only problem is, he still keeps me at arms length and I think it’s his hurt which is preventing him from reaching out. We text each other, but we don’t see each other often. He does flirt a little, and has opened up to me about a lot of things, but I know that he will always feel that deep loss for his love that died, even though I meant everything to him when we were younger.
I have tried so hard to get over him. It kills me more though to not have contact with him.
I think about him a lot, but I don’t tell him. Sometimes I will tell him that I miss him, then he will see me for a bit. But that’s as far as it goes. It’s frustrating. Do you think it’s possible that he will be able to take the next step? I mean I am open to seeing where it goes as I believe we could be happier together. We are reasonably happy people apart, but I know we could add to each others lives. I’m happy to hear your advice. Thanks 🙂
Hi Lea.
I’m not sure if this person is emotionally capable of having another relationship right now. He seems to still love his deceased partner and may not be ready to start a new chapter of his life just yet. I think you should ask him whether he’s thinking about dating again—and if he’s ready for a new relationship. If he is, confess your feelings to him and see how he responds.
If he wants to be with you, give it a go and expect him to occasionally compare you to his deceased spouse. But if he doesn’t want to be with you or isn’t ready, then you may want to distance yourself from him for your own good. You can’t chase after someone who doesn’t feel the same way about you.
Best regards,
Zan
Thank you Zan. Appreciate the good advice.
I met and fell in love with someone when I was 19. He lived interstate so it was long distance with visits when he could (he was in the navy) over four years. At 23, he asked me to marry him. I said yes. Resigned from my job, prepared to leave. Then the phone call came. He rang to tell me he was already married. Somewhere during that four years, he’d married someone else. Withdrew my resignation. Kept working. At 27 I married someone else. I am desperately unhappy and still in love with my old boyfriend. It has now been 36 years. We recently connected on Facebook. He’s still married. It is torture, but sweet pain as I am so in love with him. I wonder sometimes if his wife predeceases him in very old age, his nursing home could contact my nursing home and we could finally be together. He musts have loved me enough to ask me to marry him. There will never be anyone else for me.
Hi Lily.
You crave your ex for two reasons. 1)You didn’t properly get over him and 2)You haven’t found someone to connect with. Your relationship/s afterward haven’t been successful or as good as you hoped they would be, so you still think about the could haves and should haves. You need to remind yourself that a relationship with your ex wouldn’t be perfect either. There would be many obstacles to overcome.
My advice is to bond with other people and you’ll eventually find someone much better.
Kind regards,
Zan
This article really hit home and I truly feel for all of you in this situation too!
When I was 23/24, I dated someone 10 years older that already had a child. I have never felt more in love, safe, and truly felt at peace and at home with him. My heart still sinks every time I think of the good ol’ days. As the relationship progressed, I started to want to hurry up and get married and have kids. He never said no and promised in time we would. I became clingy and just felt like I needed to know what would happen and when. We ended up breaking up, I was a mess…and embarrassingly needy mess.
After about a year of some back and forth, I moved on. I dated someone for a year, got pregnant and married (in that order). Flash forward 15 years…I have filed for divorce which is something that should have happened years ago. Turns out that I married a narcissistic alcoholic, he has been in rehab OVER 50 times. I have 2 great kids that are now teenagers. I realize I only married him because I just wanted to get married and have kids and who it was with didn’t matter.
I hadn’t seen my ex at all in all these years, living in the same small town. About a year in a half ago I started seeing him everywhere. His friend lives 3 houses down from me, he spends a lot of time there. On top of that I just pass him almost everyday in some way. I have run into him at a random store about 30 minutes from where we live. Just seems like a lot of synchronicities to just be coincidence. As far as I know, he has not had a serious relationship since we broke up. We never speak to each other when we see each other and kind of act like we just don’t see each other. Often, it’s driving past each other. It’s weird and awkward. But deep in my bones, I just feel like we will have another chance!
One night after a few drinks, my friend convinced me to follow him on Instagram. The next morning I woke up with such regret, thinking for sure he would block me. He followed me back and liked a picture.
I felt such relief as I have been so worried that he hated me because of how I acted when we broke up. He definitely doesn’t try to avoid me, as he drives and/or rides his bike past my house when he goes to his friend’s house when he could very well go a different way. This all sounds so childish but I just can’t stop thinking of how happy and content I felt with him. I know that he felt like i needed to be happy on my own before I could be happy with someone else. After all these years in a loveless and lonely marriage, i have become very independent and at peace with who i am.
Part of me really wants to message him but what do I say after this long??? Do I wait to see him? Wait to see if he messages me?
I don’t want to put him in an awkward spot. And I also don’t know if I would rather not know then be rejected.
I really just needed to get this all out to others who are like minded.
Hi Betsy.
You’re being nostalgic, thinking only about the good times with your ex. You’d forgotten about the bad times – the reasons why you broke up. Also, if you were happily married, you wouldn’t be thinking about your ex. You’d be focusing on your marriage/happiness.
What’s happening is that your awareness of your ex has increased, so you’re now thinking about him a lot and seeing him everywhere. If you want to see if he’s open to talking to you (or maybe even more), just send him a message. Say that it’s been a while and that you’re wondering how he’s doing. If he seems receptive and into you, you will know when it’s time to take things further. You’ll feel it.
You’ve got this!
Kind regards,
Zan
About 20 years ago I lived with a very attractive man who was very caring and had a great sense of humor. We were both 20 years old when the relationship started. I was working full time and in university when I met him, he became unemployed from a retail sales job a few months after we began living together
He was in love with me from day one and showed it in many ways but he also could be very sulky. He got jealous and acted out when I went out with friends so I stopped socializing. He had a total lack of focus. In our almost 2 year relationship, he worked about 4 months in total at “minimum wage” jobs. He was happy to work the minimum hours in order to qualify for unemployment insurance. Otherwise, he spent his time watching tv and looking after me by cooking my meals, doing my laundry, cleaning our apartment and driving me back and forth to school and to work. He told me many times that he loved looking after me. He gave me love notes, flowers and gifts of cute stuffed animals or jewelry pretty much on a weekly basis. Every day we said that we loved each other and we promised that we would love each other for ever
But then I became increasingly frustrated with him having no goals, no job and no direction in life. About a year into the relationship, I slowly started to turn down his attempts to become physical because I no longer had any desire to be intimate with him. My anger about his situation overtook the physical side of the relationship. Then, about 20 months into the relationship, his friend’s mom told me he that he was fooling around with another woman when I was at work. I believed her just based on his recent behavior
Shortly after, we broke up after a fight about money. I did not tell him that I knew about the affair. I just didn’t care enough to confront him about it. After the break up, I was happy that he was gone. I moved on after a few months with a new man and was very very happy. My new bf had a similar personality but he was university educated, working for a large company and was on his way to a very fulfilling career
My ex called me a few months after the break up. I told him that I was seeing someone and then he hesitantly told me that he was seeing someone. He told me that he had enrolled in an educational program for a professional career. I didn’t pay much attention to his claim as I really did not think that he could commit to anything structured or long term
He sent flowers for my birthday with a letter. I threw the letter out without reading it and I gave the flowers to my mom. He called another time when I had my new bf over. I told him that I had a guest. He seemed to know what kind of guest it was. He sounded angry and said good bye. I didn’t think that I would hear from him again but he made one last call to me about a month later and I lashed out at him. I asked him if he was seeing someone and he said no. And then he said yes. I told him that he should be calling his gf and paying attention to her and that he was cheating by calling me behind her back. I asked him why he was calling me and he said that he didn’t know why. And then he said he would never call me again. I was relieved and put him out of my mind and focused on the new relationship. I did not hear from him again
When I look back at pics of myself with my new bf from that time, I look deliriously happy, glowing and very content. I had fully moved on in my mind with no lingering baggage. I married that person a couple of years later. We are still married today and have a wonderful relationship. I mostly forgot about my ex for years although a couple of times I briefly wondered what had happened to him. In my mind, I always thought that he had a hard time getting over the relationship and that he probably had not done well in life
And then I recently searched for him on FB and found that the opposite was true
Not only had he finished that professional program but he had excelled in climbing the corporate ladder and was earning what appeared to be a high salary. He was married to a very attractive woman who seemed very nice and very devoted to him. He had children who he clearly adored (seeing this broke me the most). He lived in a beautiful house. He also had a beautiful lakeside cottage that he clearly enjoyed and he had many friends and family on FB that he was obviously close to and who cared about him
And then the intense nostalgia started
I had kept all of the pictures that we took during our relationship and I have now, many times since learning about his life, pulled them out to look at them after not looking at them since the break up. What struck me the most was the look of love in his eyes when he looked at me in those pics. It was boundless – he had truly loved me and he had shown me that in so many different ways throughout the relationship
And since I learned all of this and looked at all of those pics, I have been grieving the loss of the relationship and thinking how it all could have been so different. I know it sounds crazy but this is how I feel. I also know that if it had turned out that he had not done well in life, that I would likely not have given him another thought. Some might find this shallow but my choice at the time was a perceived difficult life versus an easier life. I want to believe that most would have made the same choice that I did and that most would have felt the same way if it turned out that the choice was the right one
Zan, I love your advice about detaching and that is what I am doing – no more googling, no more looking at pics. I still believe that the relationship ended for good reasons but I also know that I had failed at that time to properly grieve the loss of this person in my life who had cared so deeply for me
I contemplated reaching out to him but quickly ruled that out. What would be the point? Knowing him as I do, I know that he would likely tell me that he is happily married and that he doesn’t want to hurt his wife or his children by engaging in a conversation with me
The moral of this story is that it is so easy now to look up our past loves but be warned that you could open a Pandora’s box by doing so. My advice: Let sleeping dogs lie and don’t let your curiosity get the better of you
Hi Antoinette.
You thought your ex would never become ambitious and change, but he proved you otherwise and made you nostalgic. This is what usually happens to dumpers after years, but it took you a lot longer because you never had a reason to check up on him. Not until recently because you were happy with the way things were. If you looked him up online when you were happy, you probably wouldn’t even care about his success. You’d have plenty of success and happiness in your life.
I don’t think you should reach out to him, Antoinette. Not in the state that you’re in. If you want to reach out, do so when nostalgia and envy wane.
Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thank you for your insights Zan, I really appreciate it. I actually always thought that he had moved on or dumped me first because of the affair but you’re making me think that maybe I am not seeing that clearly. I totally agree with you about not reaching out. There’s just nothing left to say unfortunately
You’re welcome, Antoinette.
You dumped him first, but life works in mysterious ways. You now miss him because you think he’s happy or happier than you.
I think you should first work on increasing your own happiness before you get into a new relationship.
Best regards,
Zan
I feel lucky I’ve found this page. Here’s my story: it will be 20 years this summer since I met the man of my dreams (in the literal sense).
At the time he was in a relationship of a few years (which I didn’t know when we met, and we fell in love instantly), and in the few weeks after he and I met, she became pregnant. The following months were horrible.. we had to make a decision. I wasn’t going to steal a boyfriend, let alone a soon-to-be father, I wanted him to be able to see his son and take care of him, and I had plans that involved being elsewhere.
So we had one last kiss and parted. It was heart-wrenching. It took me a few years to get back on my feet, but a new life/work.friends, another environment helped, and we lived in different towns.
I tried to make sense of this for years: how could you experience perfect love if you has to give it up almost instantly?
The connection was still there, we exchanged a few e-mails (this was before social media) over the years but I also knew we needed to work on ourselves away from one another – this connection really triggered us both.
I met other guys, but was never able to commit, as if this connection prevented it. I never married and never had children.
He had another 2 kids with the same woman, whom he married a few years ago.
Then in 2017 and after years of searching, I became familiar with the concept of twin souls, and it all began to make sense: he was only unconsciously mirroring my own beliefs about myself and about us. This story was impossible because I thought it had to be so, because deep down I was afraid to “have it all” with him.
Today we’re back in touch and text more regularly although we have not reunited physically. He still shows me the wounds I need to work on so communication isn’t always easy, but I’m no longer avoiding it. “God” knows what the future holds.
Good luck everyone. Love is awareness.
Hi Ella.
Initially, you fell in love with an infatuated image of him and craved the person he was at his best. That’s why you couldn’t detach from him even though you tried dating other people. It was too soon when you tried, so you alawys remembered him.
If you still love him and want my advice, try to emotionally understand that he’s married and can’t commit to you. Repeat this to yourself and get some space from him whenever you crave him. You have to change the way you interpret love/perceive him.
Best of luck, Ella!
Let me know how it goes.
Zan
This is a terrific piece, very helpful, touched every aspect of my situation. Great analogies and advice.
Thanks for reading, Lauren!
Kind regards,
Zan
My ex and I broke up fresh out of high school cuz my mom thought he couldn’t provide for me and wanted me to date an older guy. We went our separate ways but always kept in touch. We never once told each other throughout our friendship that we still loved each other. Now we both are married and finally had that conversation and it still hurts that we can’t be together. We are still very much in love but we are married to other people. It took me a very long time to finally accept and be in love with my husband and now I know why. Is it wrong that we still hold these very strong feelings toward each other after 15 years?
Hi Lean.
You never dealt with your emotions for your ex. You just moved on and met someone else. It’s not wrong that you have feelings for your ex as long as it doesn’t interfere with your relationship. If it does interfere, I suggest that you get some space from your ex and focus on the relationship with your husband.
Best,
Zan
I think it’s a lil too late for that. Ever since we confessed our feelings, I lost all emotion towards my husband which makes me question if I was even in love with him in the first place. My husband is a good man but I realized I’ve had to hide parts of me from him over the years and was slowly losing who I am. And if I’m being honest the intense feelings and emotion I have toward my ex, even then and now, I have NEVER had that with anyone else not even my husband. I have been with my husband for 7 years, 6 months married and I only started loving him in the last 2 years or so I thought. What should I do now?
Hi Lean.
You have intense feelings for your ex because you couldn’t get him to reciprocate and give you what you wanted. You were forced to go separate ways. All this time, you have been focusing on his absence when you should have been focusing on your husband’s presence.
There are probably things you don’t like about your husband, but you have to understand what love really is. It’s learning to accept a person for who he is and finding a way to work it out with him.
You won’t like my advice, but you need to do something about your feelings for your ex. Now that you know why you feel so strongly for him, you must find reasons why staying with your husband is more important to you than being with your ex. So focus on your husband, plan more 1-on-1 time with him—and slowly, you’ll lose your unprocessed feelings for your ex.
You have to let go in order to move on.
Kind regards,
Zan