Some dumpers never regret breaking up with their ex whereas others realize they’ve taken their ex for granted and want their ex back.
Such dumpers get hit with waves of anxiety, nostalgia, and regretāand fear that their ex will move on and start dating someone else.
Strong unwanted emotions make regretful dumpers feel a sense of urgency to reconnect and secure a place in their ex’s heart. That’s why they act on their fears and appear extremely eager to reconnect. They normally express remorse and directly ask their ex to get back together.
Sadly, dumpers don’t always regret leaving their ex days after the breakup. It often takes them weeks, months, or even years to get to the regret stage of a breakup.
They need that long because they need to get hurt and start seeing their ex as someone who contributed to the relationship as much or more than he or she took from it.
Dumpers simply don’t return without a reason. Guilt, shame, boredom, arousal, and mild nostalgia aren’t typical reasons for coming back.
Those who return for these reasons tend to leave again after a week or two because they come back for themselves. They get what they want, so they dump their ex when they learn that love is gone and unable to be restored.
What dumpers need to return and stay is some kind of internal stimulation that encourages or forces them to start feeling the desire to bond. This desire tells them their ex is a worthy individual who not only seems like a good option but also feels like it.
For most dumpers, it’s their emotions that convince them their ex is special and worth being with. Emotions affect their way of thinking and drive them to make emotional decisions.
We could say that dumpers usually come back when they feel they need their ex. And they feel they need their ex when something (bad) happens to them, ruins their idealistic post-breakup expectations, and brings them back to reality.
Some things that could force dumpers to come back are:
- Failed/failing relationships
- Self-esteem issues, self-blame
- Anxiety, depression, grief
- Loneliness
- A lack of self-growth
- Recurring bad habits
- Difficult old and new problems
Certain types of dumpers come back more than others. From my observation, emotional people are more likely to reflect and return than unemotional ones.
That’s because emotions are drivers of their thoughts and behaviors and tell them what or who is important to them.
On the other hand, unemotional people or people who experience emotions less frequently or to a lesser degree have fewer reasons to feel compelled to go back on their decisions.
They feel healthy or secure and therefore, make more logical decisions.
Highly emotional people can be overthinkers, anxious, insecure, narcissistic, bipolar, and impulsive people.
And unemotional people can be dismissive, avoidant, inexpressive, and determined people.
There are also people who fit somewhere between these two categories. They are probably the fittest for relationships as they come back when they willingly reflect and learn their ex was a good romantic partner for them.
So if you regret breaking up with your ex-girlfriend months later, figure out why you regret it. What made you realize your ex’s worth all of a sudden?
Do you miss leaving her because something awful happened to you and made you crave emotional support?
Or did something happen/change your opinion of her and you genuinely want to be with her for the person she is?
It’s important to know why you want her back so you can decide what the best course of action is. You don’t want to get back with her just to recover from whatever issue you’re facing because the moment you recover, you’ll feel emotionally unstimulated again and feel trapped.
In this post, we’ll discuss why you regret breaking up with her months later and what you should do about it.
Why do you regret breaking up with her months later?
If you regret breaking up with your ex-girlfriend months after the breakup, this isn’t the most unusual type of regret. It’s less common than instant regrets that happen days after the breakup, but those aren’t real breakups anyway.
They’re temporary breakups also known as fakeups that happen because of disagreements, arguments, doubts, fears, or unregulated emotions.
Real breakups last weeks, months, years, or longer and indicate a total lack of interest/feelings or common goals and values.
If you broke up for months, it’s evident you lost attraction to your ex. I’m not talking about physical attraction. That could be the case, but it’s much more likely that you lost emotional attraction. Something made you disconnect from your ex and give up on her.
The big question is what made you lose attraction? Was it something your ex did? Is it your ex’s personality? Did you focus on her bad traits, took her for granted, develop feelings for someone else, or got overwhelmed with stress or anxiety?
When you identify the reasons for breaking up, you’ll probably realize you want her back because those reasons are gone and/or no longer a hindrance to you. They’re something you can forgive and forget about because you have more important things to worry about.
Things like whether she:
- misses you
- thinks about you
- and still wants to be with you after all this time
If she doesn’t want you back when you profess your feelings, you know very well that you’ll feel rejected and forced to live with pain and regrets. And pain you’d rather not feel. You’d prefer to fix your mistakes and get another chance with your ex.
As long as you have feelings for your ex, you’re not ready to give up on her and give someone new a chance. If you try to be with someone new, you’ll rebound and suffer immensely.
Now that you’re regretful, you’re much more motivated to invest in yourself and the relationship than right after the breakup. You now feel that it’s necessary to impress your ex whereas before (after the breakup), you couldn’t care less about what your ex thought about you.
You felt relieved and wanted to focus on yourself.
With that said, here are some possible reasons why you regret breaking up with your ex-girlfriend months after the breakup.
What to do when you regret breaking up with her months later?
If you regret leaving your ex, the first thing you must do is make sure that the reason for breaking up is completely gone. You’ve already broken your ex’s heart once, so doing it again would be extremely selfish, foolish, and irresponsible.
It’d be downright cruel, considering what you’ve put your ex through.
So don’t rush back the moment you feel you need her. First, figure out if the reasons for breaking up are gone.
When you’ve determined that the issues are gone, that you were the problem, or that problems can be worked out, reach out to your ex and apologize for leaving her. State your reasons for leaving and let her know you’ve done a lot of thinking.
She needs to see that the reach-out was premeditated and that you’re certain about what you’re about to say. When you have her attention, tell her you love her and that you feel awful for putting her through so much pain.
You won’t know what she thinks and feels (especially if you didn’t communicate until now), but you should affirm what the conversation is about and leave no room for misinterpretation. It’s in your best interest to wholeheartedly express regret and the desire to reconnect as a couple.
If you reach out through text or call, you can say you’d like to show your sincerity in person and answer any questions she may have. Tell her you want to be completely honest about everything.
Once you’ve said everything you needed to say, you need to wait for her to respond. If you messaged or emailed her, give her some time to get back to you. Don’t double-text her or call her just because you’re impatient and nervous.
Keep in mind that she’ll respond to you when she’s ready and if she wants to.
On the other hand, if you choose to confess your feelings on call or in person, don’t talk and talk and talk. Oversharing won’t make you look any more believable and likable. Her opinion of you is as it is. You won’t change it and shouldn’t attempt to.
It’s up to her to decide what she wants and doesn’t want. You need to sit tight, be patient, and let her express herself in ways that feel natural to her. She waited months for you to realize her worth, so the least you can do is give her a minute or two to decide if she still wants to be with you.
If she takes her sweet time to answer, she probably has feelings for you and wants you back but has trouble trusting you with her heart. She’s afraid of getting abandoned and hurt againāand you can’t blame her for that because you’ve put her through agony.
However, if you tell her how you feel and she says no, then that’s probably it. You’ve done everything you could to ask for forgiveness and get back together.
You must understand that most dumpees who say yes do so because they still respect their ex and love him or her. They haven’t fully detached yet, so they still depend on their ex for validation and love.
Dumpees say no to their ex after they’ve detached and realized their worth. And they tend to realize their worth if they go no contact and invest in themselves. Frankly put, the longer they’re left to cope with post-breakup blues, the bigger the chance they’ll get over their ex and reject their ex when their ex comes back.
Not all dumpees will say no, of course. But dumpees who were treated badly by their ex and learned to respect themselves most likely will because abandonment pain will tell them to be very wary of their ex.
So if you regret breaking up with your ex months later and want her back, don’t waste too much time after the breakup. If your ex still loves you and wants to be with you, you should make a move before it’s too late.
What if she says no?
If your ex-girlfriend rejects you when you finally want her back, it’s clear she no longer wants to be with you. She likes feeling detached and emotionally independent and doesn’t want to reconnect with someone who hurt her badly and destroyed her faith in the relationship.
This means you must respect her decision and leave her alone.
Texts and calls aren’t going to change her mind because she doesn’t see a future with you anymore. She was forced to stop seeing when the breakup crushed her dreams and sucked the life out of her.
If you want, you can thank her for being straightforward and tell her you’ll be staying away and letting her have the space she needs. It doesn’t matter what you say as long as you’re polite and concise.
The truth is that dumpees sometimes grow their self-esteem so much and build their walls so high, they think that getting back with an ex would be humiliating for them and their family. They think they deserve more than an ex who abandoned them cold-heartedly and acted like they didn’t exist.
This is especially true if their ex cheated on them or treated them without any respect.
Some dumpees just don’t forget the pain their ex has caused them. They forgive their ex, but they don’t take the breakup lightly. Dumpees get hurt a lot initially. But when they finally accept the breakup and get busy with life, they don’t typically dream about getting back with an ex.
Not unless they still love their ex and are still in the process of rebuilding their self-esteem.
So if your ex rejects you after you’ve apologized for leaving her, don’t ask for explanations and beg for another chance. You already know that she wants to stay broken up because you shattered her heart and made it impossible for her to trust you again.
She could redevelop feelings for you and trust you months or years later, but she’ll probably have to get stuck in a difficult situation to consider relying on you for love.
Do you regret breaking up with her months later? What made you realize you missed her romantically? Share your thoughts below. We’ll get back to you soon.
And if you want to talk to us about your regrets and what you can do about them, sign up for 1-on-1 coaching with us here.
Hi Zan,
Thank you for your insightful article. I really need advice on my sticky situation.
My ex and I dated for about 4 years when we were both only 18. I was very insecure the whole time and she didnāt reassure me a lot and constantly brought up breaking up as an option which made me even more insecure. We fought a lot over miscommunications and jealousy and needs just not being met.
After a year, she breaks up with me out of nowhere because she was upset that I was texting a friend venting about her behind her back. I am devastated by this, and I was crying begging for her to forgive me, but she wouldnāt budge. After a week, we eventually try making it work as we were roommates, so it was really more like a fakeup I guess. During this week or two, Iām trying to win her back and there is a power dynamic between us.
It all shifted when I discovered she was secretly meeting up with a guy she had history with over the summer (a few months prior) when we were going through a rough patch. This sets me off and I am livid with how she betrayed me and had the audacity to try to get me to be the one to kiss up to her. The dynamic shifts immediately. I tell her I donāt want to do this anymore and I break up with HER this time. She immediately shifts gears and begs for ME back. Ofc I take her back and we try it again, but it just isnāt the same anymore.
I feel the life has been sucked out of me and I canāt trust her anymore. Iām only sad and angry. Iām judgmental and critical and mean and impatient with her because I resent the power she had over me and how she abused it. She was always sad and I was always so guilty. We have a slow and painful decline as she is upset everyday about how Iām not the same and I donāt show affection or desire for her anymore. Iām so stressed and overwhelmed and guilt ridden by this, and we eventually call it quits.
We were on and off for a while reflecting the cycles of power exchange between us. She worked on herself and changed and improved and completely transformed into the ideal partner and I just couldnāt see her the same or feel any better I was already so broken. This continued up until she moved cities.
While she was away and we were broken up, I decided that I would work on myself so we could be together again. I then eventually completely broke it off with her because I unexpectedly met someone new and chose to pursue that instead as a relief. She was heartbroken and in one of her final goodbyes she said that she still thinks one day weāll be together. Now, 6 months later while doing NC, I regret it and I miss her. I found out that I’m not as moved on from her as I thought I was and the issue of me feeling overwhelming stress and pressure in having to be a good partner is still present and is making me want to run away. I still think about the last things she said and if theyāre true or not. I donāt want her to forget about us and how beautiful it was at times. And I want her to know that Iām sorry for everything and I still see a future with her. I’m nearly obsessed with her. Are my intentions pure or should I stop sabotaging my current relationship where my gf is near close to perfect? I love my current gf but not to the same depths as I love my ex and its causing guilt and despair. I want my current gf to be with someone she deserves and will give her 100% but idk if thats me right now. And I donāt connect as deeply with her. I canāt tell if I just need to be single or try getting my ex back or fully embrace my new relationship. Please help me.
Hi Alex.
You haven’t fully processed the separation. There were a lot of ups and downs in your relationship and you got hooked on them. It will take some time to forgive yourself and her and see that your new partner is better. It may not feel that way right now, but that’s because you haven’t dealt with the past yet.
I encourage you to sign up for therapy and keep in mind that you’ll never connect as deeply as you did with your ex. You were extremely insecure at that time, which means that your feeling of connection was based on insecurities rather than love (which is supposed to feel calm and stable).
Best regards,
Zan
I’m the Dumper who regrets
I met this girl in JUne 2021, we were together for 8days then did long distance for 6 months. We spoke daily, made future plans, argued sometimes. ^ months later We decided to meet in Paris for 5 days in December 2021.
In Jan 22 I went to stay at her place for a month. We had amazing conversations , lots of laughter, great sex. But my ex nagged a lot and would lose it if she was told no for anything. We had set few non negotiable rules and most important was no cheating and no physical violence and if any of this happens we’ll call it off.
Few weeks later we were having an argument and out of the blue she slapped me. She immediately apologized and asked me to slap her back. I didn’t and I told her it’s over and moved out.
She kept messaging me and apologized hundreds of time, begged me to give 2nd chance. Which I didn’t.
I moved to new country for work and also travelled for other exotic countries, met/dated lots of woman. My ex still kept apologizing and told me since I’m not planning on being with her she should start dating. He had a rebound which lasted for 2 months and didn;t work. She messaged me again asking Do I want to get back together. I forgave her now at this moment so I replied with an emoji (100 100 100) ,she thought I’m kidding and she replied with laugh emoji. Post this we continued talking,texting and she told me that it’s good we aren’t together we had so many issues etc etc. She also met a guy and grew close to him (she didnt tell me about this guy). I was casually dating multiple giirls to all the places I was travelling. 5-6 month later she posted a story on insta (meant for close friends ) where she was with this GUy. Seeing her with a guy hit me completely differently and now I started missing her.
I msgd her that it hit me differently then later sent her a long text apologizing for making her wait so long and for the things I have done wrong when we were together. She said she accepts the apology and we used use these lessons in my future relationship. I then started getting obsessed with her ,kept checking her insta ,also peeked into the profile of the guy she was dating, was also jealous of the guy. I casually hooked up with multiple girls during this time. Seeing my obsession I decided to do no contact and blocked her from whatsapp and insta and messaged her that I’ll unblock her when I have moved on and she should only contact me (via email)in emergencies.
one month after NC she emails me that she feels guilty that i was hurting but that she has moved on. I didn’t reply.
Then after a month on our anniversary I unblocked her ,sent her a long video and a 3 page love letter saying how I believe destiny will bring us together. She replied that I have clearly not moved on ,she is still dating that guy and wants to see how things go and she has moved on and has no feelings for me. She was a bit rude in her reply.
I msgd her again that I’m sorry I shouldnt have sent the video and letter. That I won’t do it again , I dont expect anything to change from her end. If someday things change she can reach out.
Post that I started NC again she texted me back accepting my apology , I didn;t reply to her. Now I am doing indefinite no contact. Also planning to take therapy.
Any advice and suggestions are welcome
Hi Rey.
You both hurt each other a lot. I fear there is too much water under the bridge to fix things. First, she wanted to be with you because you rejected her. But when she recovered and met someone she connected with, she hurt your self-esteem and made you nostalgic. This wasn’t a sign that you’re a great match but that you felt insecure and wanted her back for the wrong reasons.
All you can do is give her space and wait for her relationship to fail. If it does and she chooses to be with you, she’ll let you know. So retain your value and don’t bother her anymore. Exude strength and confidence instead.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hey Zan
I completely agree with you.
Thanks for your reply. You’re doing a great job.
I was suffering from breakup sadness for months, read all your articles and now I have recovered
I’m glad you’re doing better, Rey.
Feel free to comment again if you’re having a bad day.
Best wishes,
Zan
Hi Zan
First of all I would like to thank you for your blog it helped me a lot in the first weeks after the breakup.
My girlfriend broke up with me 2 months ago after 6 years of being together. She proposed friendship, but according to what you wrote I refused. We started nocontact, but yesterday we met. She confessed to me what was the reason for the breakup and that if I hadn’t let go at the breakup we would have been together and that I didn’t try hard enough to keep it from happening.
I feel that she told me all this precisely because of nocontact and I have a feeling that it is working.
But when should I end nocontact?
I feel that she misses me and wants to renew contact, but I don’t want to fall into a friend one.
What should I do now?
Hi Dominic.
Thanks for reading the blog.
If you pursued her, you might have gotten back together, but you’d have broken up again soon because she’d have manipulated you into doing what she wants you to do. Her respect for you would have declined and so would her feelings. She needs to learn to communicate rather than push-pull people. You can end no contact when she changes her mind and apologizes for leaving you.
Be patient and continue to self-prioritize. She’ll do all the work if she really wants to.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hello zan,
Can you please write an article on guys who just love the chase and not the catch and just keep jumping from one relationship to another. Always been a great fan of your work.
Hi Diya.
I’ll write about monkey branchers soon. Thanks for reading and stay tuned!
Zan
I totally understand that dumpers simply donāt return without a reason, and itās totally okay because you helped me find self love before anything else Zan!
And iām forever grateful for your help ā¤ļø
Hi Linda.
I’m grateful to you too for reading and all your help over the years. I hope everything is well with you!
Zan
I was a dumper. Towards the end, we both got overly emotional. We never officially broke up, but āseparatedā, which her words. A couple months later, she rebounded and got engaged fast. This lasted 7 months, but her and I always stayed connected. Hung out, but with boundaries I set. Iām that kind of guy that doesnāt break anyone up. I confessed my reason for walking away and she cried and told me I was courageous. 4 months ago, she reached out and said he left for his ex. She has always confided in me. Since then, we talk every day/night, see each other all the time. Do sleepovers. I okie the feelings are there. Sheās even said sheās missed me, loves me, etc. We hold each other, hold hands, sleep in the same bed, but nothing sexual. Iām taking this slow!! I realized my mistakes and am now showing up the way I should have last year. We are goi h on our first vacation next week together. Sheās already making plans for future trips she wants to go on with me. Many times she acts like we are back together, but wonāt label it. Iām not yet, either. Gaining her trust and heart is what I want. Letting everything happen organically.
Hi Patrick.
Nothing wrong with taking it slow. But eventually (soon), you’ll want to talk about the direction of where this is heading. You don’t want to act like a couple but not be on the same page. I’m not saying you should pressure her, but do find out what she’s thinking and feeling. The sooner you know how she sees you, the better.
Kind regards,
Zan