If breakups are the worst predicaments people are forced to endure, then breadcrumbs from an ex come right after. Every time we receive breadcrumbs from our ex, we feel as if our ex has poured salt over our open wounds and forced us to suffer again.
We feel like we’re back to square one healing-wise and that we’re not even close to being over our ex.
Breadcrumbs from an ex are hands down the worst. Not only do they confuse us and hurt us, but they also cause us to obsessively think about our ex and force us to suffer until we’ve regained our composure and the strength to function normally again.
It sucks, but there is truly no better way for exes to continue hurting us after the breakup than to string us along with breadcrumbs and prolong our recovery time. They don’t need to play jealousy games and mind games with us to make us think about them for days.
They have a way easier way of grabbing our attention. And that way involves barely any effort.
All dumpers need to do to shock us and keep us hooked is pick up their phones and send us a simple “Hello.” With just one message, they can give us a tiny bit of attention that makes us feel hopeful and anxious—much like we felt when we got broken up with.
Although the pain from breadcrumbing usually isn’t as bad as breakup pain, breadcrumbs still cause us to experience a lot of anxiety and other uncomfortable stress-related emotions.
The most common difficulties we can encounter when an ex gives us breadcrumbs are:
- extreme anxiety
- increased heart rate
- shortness of breath
- uncontrollable shaking
- difficulty concentrating
- overthinking
How much breadcrumbs from an ex affect us depends on how much we’ve processed the breakup and what kind of things our ex says to us.
In this article, we’ll discuss what breadcrumbing is and how to respond to breadcrumbs from an ex in the best way possible.
Breadcrumbs mean pain
Immediately after the breakup, we spend nearly all our free time thinking about the dumper and unknowingly putting him or her on a pedestal.
The breakup pain makes us believe that the dumper is the next best thing since sliced bread and that we must get back with our ex because our ex is good for us. Little do we know that pain has nothing to do with how good our ex is for us. Pain merely proves that we’re attached and that it’s in our best interest to detach and become emotionally independent again.
But we don’t know that. We don’t know what’s best for us because we’re hurt. That’s why we confuse pain for love and develop a fear of the dumper. We transform the dumper into a person of high value (a person who can control our feelings) and begin to fantasize about what it would be like to get another chance with the dumper.
We think about our ex most of our awake time and even in dreams when we’re asleep. Our ex enters our minds because we’re detoxing from the attachment we had with our ex.
However, when our ex texts or calls us, our ex gives us a little bit of what we crave (validation). He or she makes us feel a bit more in control of our emotions and makes us feel like we’ve received a message from a superstar – from someone who can be with any person and have a super successful relationship with him or her.
Suddenly, the pain we thought we’d worked through comes rushing back at incredible speed—forcing us to relive it. It makes us experience a major emotional setback that can take days to recover from.
But because we value our ex so much, we’re prepared to do nearly anything to restore the bond we lost. Many of us are prepared to beg and plead and take responsibility for our mistakes.
Heck, many of us are willing to take responsibility even for the things we didn’t do. We’re in so much pain that we’re ready to lower our pride and do whatever it takes to get another chance with our ex. We don’t understand or want to understand that self-respect is extremely important and that it plays a big role in getting back with the dumper.
It often decides whether it’s even safe for the dumper to communicate with us.
What are breadcrumbs from an ex?
Breadcrumbing from an ex-partner can be defined as any form of direct or indirect communication that gives you false hope and slows down your healing.
When an ex-partner (the dumper) gives you breadcrumbs, he or she basically sends you mixed signals that convey that your ex has been thinking about you.
By doing so, your ex gives you a little bit of attention you need to cope with anxiety and makes you dependent on him or her for positive results.
Your ex doesn’t even have to say anything hopeful to make you crave him or her. Breadcrumbs alone do all the work for your ex as they remind you of the pain you suffered when your ex pulled the plug on you and rejected you.
With just one message, all the emotions of abandonment, destroyed self-esteem, and hope for reconciliation come flying back at you and make you feel like your ex is on his or her way back to you even though that’s not true.
Breadcrumbs just help your ex get something from you and end up confusing you.
Here are some things the dumper could say to breadcrumb you:
- how are you?
- long time no speak
- I miss you
- I miss the dog
- I’ve heard Jessica is getting married
- I miss our good times
- I just wanted you to know I care about you
- I still love you
Although dumpers usually breadcrumb dumpees via text, that’s not the only way your ex could breadcrumb you.
Your ex could breadcrumb you by:
- texting and calling
- liking your pictures
- commenting on your profile
- adding you back on social media
- or doing something/anything that shows your ex still “cares” about you
Beware of your ex’s breadcrumbs!
It’s very dangerous for your emotional well-being to receive attention from your ex when you’re not ready for it. Just a single message from your ex will likely fire up your repressed anxiety and make you apprehensive about your ex’s feelings and intentions.
High hopes combined with an over-valued dumper will probably make you overanalyze your ex’s messages and make you so anxious that you try to foresee your ex’s next move. This will make you extremely dependent on some kind of positive outcome (on your ex wanting you back) and hurt you even more.
You have to keep in mind that breadcrumbs are not about reconciliation. They’re about the dumper getting something he or she needs from you. Something only you can provide. Your ex likely won’t tell you what that is.
It’s much more likely that your ex will indirectly express himself or herself and try to get things from you without actually asking for them. That would be your ex’s safest option because it would allow your ex to avoid giving you the wrong idea and bringing an unwanted reaction out of you.
The picture below shows different types of breadcrumbs as well as various examples of breadcrumbing.
What do breadcrumbs from an ex mean?
Although your ex’s messages may appear innocent, remember that the real meaning behind breadcrumbs is unknown to you. It’s hidden from you because revealing the plans would make your ex look selfish and inconsiderate of your feelings.
It’d tell you that your ex doesn’t care about you and that he or she just needs something from you.
So even though your ex might say something like, “I’ve been thinking about you a lot,” bear in mind that your ex hasn’t been thinking about giving the broken relationship another chance. Your ex has merely been feeling bad and reached out to stop feeling bad.
That means your ex wanted you to say you’re doing fine so your ex could stop worrying about you and worry about himself or herself more. Self-forgiveness can make it easier for your ex to let go of the fact that he or she broke a commitment and hurt you.
When your ex sends you breadcrumbs, your ex might appear more sympathetic and empathetic than usual. But that would merely imply that your ex is having a difficult time accepting his or her words or actions. It would have nothing to do with your ex’s love for you.
So if you feel nervous when your ex reaches out and have no clue know how to respond to breadcrumbs from your ex, the very first thing you should do is avoid overanalyzing your ex’s words. Analyzing and looking for hidden messages is a huge waste of time and emotions because your ex would have told you if he or she wanted to see you and get back with you.
Your ex would have taken the initiative to reconcile and work hard on earning your trust back. Your ex wouldn’t just send you a bunch of breadcrumbs (meaningless messages) and let you wonder what they meant.
That’s not what dumpers who love you do.
When your ex sends you breadcrumbs, remember that your ex is likely going through something difficult and that your ex needs your help. He or she probably feels bad for hurting you and needs you to forgive him or her. Or if it’s been months and your ex doesn’t feel any guilt, then your ex could just be looking for someone dependable to lean on for support.
That someone could be you because you were the last person he or she had a strong connection with.
With breadcrumbs, your ex could tell you that he or she misses you, loves you, and regrets treating you poorly. What you need to ask yourself is whether your ex truly loves you or just doesn’t love himself or herself enough.
The best way to learn whether your ex wants you back is to wait and see. If your ex wants to see you and talk about the relationship, your ex will tell you that and want you back as soon as possible.
But if your ex just wants to be friends and confide in you, then your ex hasn’t realized anything important yet. Your ex doesn’t see what you bring to the table and is set on staying broken up.
My ex is giving me breadcrumbs
First of all, if your ex is giving you breadcrumbs and the breadcrumbs are hurting you badly, you must understand that your ex isn’t aware of your suffering. Your ex didn’t suffer the way you did (and still do). Instead of suffering, your ex felt elated and focused on enjoying his or her life.
Now that your ex has had enough space to experience the post-breakup life and process the breakup, though, your ex doesn’t need any more space. He or she is ready to be friends or to talk occasionally and pretend as if you were never a couple.
That’s why your ex will give you breadcrumbs such as “I miss you, I care about you” and try to get you to respond to them.
Luckily, most dumpers don’t send such breadcrumbs. Most dumpees just want to have normal conversations and catch up. By catching up, they intend to figure out how their exes are coping with the breakup, what they’re up to, how they feel about them, and whether talking to dumpees is safe and something they even want.
They don’t have to pry a lot to get the information they’re after. They just have to be nice and encourage their exes to open up about their post-breakup lives. Dumpees’ emotions, attitude, and information then tell them how ready they are to talk and whether talking to them is even a good idea.
Why is my ex giving me breadcrumbs?
If your ex gave you breadcrumbs, it’s because your ex wanted something from you. Your ex wanted something no other person on the planet could give him or her. That something could be emotional support, forgiveness, friendship, sex, or perhaps even a familiar person to talk to.
You can figure out what your ex wants/wanted to achieve by breadcrumbing you by examining the things your ex wants from you. If your ex apologizes to you, your ex wants your forgiveness. If your ex wants to know how you feel, your ex probably feels guilty and perhaps even feels a sense of responsibility to check up on you. And if your ex is angry, your ex feels victimized and wants to get back at you for focusing on yourself and getting away so easily.
Please note that you will likely receive breadcrumbs from your ex if you follow the rules of no contact and prove you don’t need your ex. That’s because emotional and physical distance will show your ex that it’s okay to reach out and that you won’t overwhelm your ex with expectations and demands.
You’ll handle the breadcrumbs with confidence and self-respect and avoid pressuring your ex into doing things you want him or her to do.
Once your ex sees your worth and discerns that it’s safe to come out of his or her hiding, your ex will then start giving you breadcrumbs.
Your ex will send you breadcrumbs to:
- alleviate guilt for hurting you
- soothe his/her anxiety (life difficulties, breakup pain, arguments)
- forgive himself/herself and boost his or her positive karma
- obtain validation from you
- find out what you’re up to
- see if you still care about him or her
- cope with boredom
Everything people do, we do because we get something out of it. Everything has a purpose. So as selfless as your ex’s “How are you” may appear, bear in mind that there is nothing selfless about it. It can be quite selfish because breadcrumbs from an ex have an ulterior motive.
They intend to get something from you and give very little in return. You need to remember that so you know how to keep your hopes low and respond to breadcrumbs properly.
Breadcrumbs from an ex can be hard to understand
When your ex breadcrumbs you, your ex probably won’t even understand that he or she is reaching out for selfish purposes. Your ex might think that he or she is being friendly and that you’d like to talk about various things.
That’s because your ex will assume that you’re ready to downgrade to friendship and that it’s normal for exes to be friends. If you then reject something so “normal,” your ex might try to guilt-trip you into staying in touch.
Whatever you do, don’t think that you must stay in touch with your ex and pretend to be friends. Communicating with your ex will significantly increase your dependency on your ex and make your healing journey more complicated. It might also make you wonder if your ex feels something for you and is trying to get back with you.
But as you know, dumpers who breadcrumb exes don’t want their exes back. They just want to figure out what their exes are doing and feeling.
And the safest way for them to figure that out is by sending a simple “Hi.” The dumpees’ response (or a lack of it) tells them everything they need to know because it tells them whether they respect their exes and themselves and if they want to communicate from time to time.
If they show dumpers they want to talk, they invite their exes to reach out whenever they want and risk getting hurt again.
Once your ex has sent you a breadcrumb, your ex will eagerly anticipate your reply and see what you have to say. He or she will especially pay attention to the way you reply; the emojis and words you use, the length of the text, and the excitement you exude. With the first text after no contact, your ex will try to figure out if you still care.
And depending on whether you care, your ex will either keep talking to you or just disappear. Either way, your ex will eventually get what he or she wants because your responses or the lack of them will communicate how you feel and what you want.
They’ll express what you hope to get out of your ex and tell your ex what the best thing to do is.
Even if your ex reaches out just to relieve guilt, and you ignore your ex, your ex won’t cry about it. Your ex will interpret your lack of response in a way that is best for him or her. In this particular case, your ex could think that you’re being mean and/or angry and that an angry person isn’t hurting and is doing just fine.
In such a way, your ex could appease guilt and continue to move on with a clear conscience.
So don’t think you must ignore breadcrumbs or prevent your ex from getting what he or she is after. If you want your ex back, you should at least see what your ex wants and then respond to breadcrumbs in a way that is best for your healing.
Look out for indirect breadcrumbs
If your ex says something like, “How’s your dog,” your ex isn’t reaching out just because of the dog. Your ex is using the dog as a distraction tool to break the ice and take the attention away from a much bigger issue such as the breakup. Always keep in mind that your ex wouldn’t have reached out for something as trivial as your dog.
If your ex missed the dog, your ex would have made plans to play with the dog already.
So don’t think that your ex is reaching out to talk about animals or something currently in your possession. Those are just excuses or tools your ex can use to his or her advantage to lighten the mood. When the two of you have talked for a while and lightened the mood, your ex will probably understand everything he or she wanted to understand.
That’s because your ex will know what you think, feel, want, and need. Your ex will have a decent understanding of what the breakup has been like for you and whether talking to you is something he or she wants.
The reason breadcrumbs are difficult to respond to is that you don’t always know what your ex wants. You don’t know if your ex just wants to talk or if he or she is getting ready to invite you out.
My advice is not to wait for something to happen. An ex who wants you back will feel anxious and ask you to come back right away. He or she won’t waste too much time because he or she will need you to heal and feel better.
So don’t look for the meaning behind the things your ex says for more than a few minutes. A few minutes should be enough to see if your ex is in a hurry to get back with you or if your ex just wants to chat and get something from you.
My ex isn’t giving me any breadcrumbs
If your ex isn’t giving you breadcrumbs, you should consider yourself extremely lucky. Nothing is better than your ex leaving you alone to heal and recover from the breakup.
I know you want to hear from your ex very badly and feel important, but the truth is that you don’t need your ex nor want to hear from your ex.
You already have a lot on your shoulders and don’t need your ex to breadcrumb you on top of that. You don’t need more issues that will hinder your healing and make you wonder if your ex will come back.
So don’t think you’re unlucky that you haven’t heard from your ex yet. You’re actually extremely lucky because you were given a chance to heal without disruptions and false hope. You were left to your own devices and will as a result, recover quicker than dumpees who get strung along for months.
If you don’t believe me, here’s what a random reader of this blog had to say about breadcrumbing. It might change your mind.
“Breadcrumbing from an ex feels like you’re on a strict diet. Every time you receive breadcrumbs, you first feel excited about it. But the moment you swallow that first crumb, you immediately start yearning for more.“
Breadcrumbs are not something you should envy other dumpees for. You should feel bad for the people who get breadcrumbed because they go through a lot of pain and confusion because of their ex. They’re forced to deal with breadcrumbs.
Should I ignore my ex’s breadcrumbs?
Ignoring an ex for any reason at all is immature, rude, and vengeful. So ignoring your ex’s breadcrumbs is probably not the wisest idea.
The only time you should ignore your ex is when your ex insults or threatens you and makes you scared for your safety. Ignoring is also okay if you’ve asked your ex multiple times to give you space and your ex didn’t do that.
In all honesty, if your ex offends you or does something nasty, that wouldn’t even be a breadcrumb. It’d be a direct insult – a way for your ex to relieve stress and get back at you for something you did or didn’t do.
So before you ignore your ex’s breadcrumbs, remember that ignoring your ex is a response too. It tells your ex how you deal with difficult situations and the people who hurt you.
This is why learning how to respond to breadcrumbs from your ex is crucial not only for reconciliation purposes but also for your personal growth.
How to respond to breadcrumbs?
If you’re wondering how to respond to breadcrumbs, know that there are a few simple rules you can adhere to.
The good thing about these rules is that they don’t need you to be mean, uncaring, or rude. You don’t need to do any ignoring to make your ex respect you again and want to be with you.
On the contrary, you can respond to your ex’s breadcrumbs in a sincere, patient, and respectful way.
Here are the rules you should follow if you’re wondering how to respond to breadcrumbs.
What to do when your ex breadcrumbs you?
When your ex breadcrumbs you, you’ll probably feel very confused. You won’t know whether to respond, delay your response, ignore your ex, block your ex, or point out your ex’s inconsiderate behavior. Your ex’s behavior will be difficult to interpret because you’ll be emotional and get your hopes up.
My advice is to relax and not to take your ex’s words literally. Consider them meaningless, empty words that intend to help your ex gain something, get rid of something, or feel something. They have nothing to do with you because your ex has certain intentions.
With that said, here are 4 things you can do when you receive breadcrumbs from your ex:
- Tolerate it: Allow your ex to keep hurting you whenever your ex wants to. That will stop you from moving on.
- Ignore it: Ignore your ex’s every outreach and show your ex that you’re hurt and unwilling to communicate.
- Ask for space: Explain that communication is out of the question and that you want to focus on yourself.
- Get angry with your ex: Call your ex out for throwing breadcrumbs at you and state that breadcrumbs have hurt you deeply.
Unfortunately, there is only one solution to this problem. And that solution is to take your ex’s ability to breadcrumb you away. You must ask for space because that’s the only way your ex will see that you respect yourself and that you don’t want to talk about unimportant things.
Asking for space won’t kill your chances of reconciliation as some dumpees fear. It will just show that you know your worth and that you’re strong enough to pull away.
It won’t be easy to pull away if the breakup just happened because you’ll feel like you’re messing things up with your ex. But keep in mind that asking for space is extremely important because it will let you heal and help your ex understand that the end of the relationship means the end of friendship too.
“Message me if you change your mind”
If you’ve decided to get space from your ex and want to say “Message/call me if you change your mind,” I strongly dissuade you from using this cliche line.
I don’t know who came up with this heartbroken response, but it’s one of the worst things you can exclaim to your ex.
This is true whether you’re responding to breadcrumbs or to your ex breaking up with you. No matter what actions or behavior you’re replying to, telling your ex to contact you if he/she regrets breaking up with you in the future is weak and clingy. It tells your ex that you’re hurt and that you’re waiting for your ex to come back.
And when you tell your ex that you’ll be waiting like a good puppy, your ex will feel even more reluctant to work things out with you. There will simply be no sense of urgency and a need to get back with you.
So remember that your ex doesn’t need to be told to contact you if he or she changes his or her mind. Your ex already knows that. It’s as clear as the sky.
Ask your ex to leave you alone
If you want to know how to respond to breadcrumbs, know that there isn’t one perfect way to do it. Many responses will give you the space you need and show your ex you’re not interested in staying friends.
Choose the reply that fits your personality and works best for your case:
- Hi. I appreciate you reaching out, but I don’t think we should talk yet. We need some more space, so please don’t reach out to me.
- Hey Mark. Would you please not reach out to me anymore? I know you want to stay friends, and I respect that, but this isn’t the time for that. Perhaps we can be friends someday in the future.
- Hi. I see that you want to stay friends, but I don’t think staying friends is what I want right now. Could you please contact me only if there’s an emergency?
- Hi Claudia. I’ve told you multiple times already to let me focus on myself. This time I mean it. Please don’t contact me anymore unless it’s urgent. I’ll have to block you next time.
Once your ex agrees to leave you alone and stops sending you breadcrumbs, thank your ex for cooperating with you and go back into no contact. Be prepared to stay in it as long as it takes (even if it’s forever.)
There is no other way to stop your ex from sending you breadcrumbs than to take control of the breakup and stop your ex from reaching out to you. Asking your ex to stop contacting you is also the quickest way to get over the breakup because you’ll keep your ex away from your heart and boost your healing.
Learning how to respond to breadcrumbs is essential
In this post, we’ve discussed how to respond to breadcrumbs from an ex and what you should do to keep your ex away from you.
From what I see, most dumpees normally entertain their ex for a while. They respond to messages and string themselves along. But a few weeks or months later, they tend to get tired of communicating with the dumper. That’s when they regain some of their lost power and tell their ex to stop contacting them or straight-up to take a hike.
So to avoid getting hurt for no reason and asking for space months later, do it right away. Ask your ex to give you space so you can focus on the things you need to focus on. If your ex respects you and understands what you need, your ex will leave you alone.
And if your ex doesn’t, then your ex will probably keep reaching out and hurting you. You need to be firm when you tell your ex to stop messaging or calling you so that your ex stops resetting your healing.
Every dumpee should know what breadcrumbs are and how to respond to them. Make sure you do your research so that you can weed out unimportant calls or texts and stay away from your ex unless your ex wants you back.
Did this article help you understand how to respond to breadcrumbs from an ex? Do you have any questions about breadcrumbing? Leave your comment below this article. We’d love to hear your thoughts.
And if your ex has been breadcrumbing you for a while and you want our help, get in touch with us here.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Is it considered breadcrumbs if your ex keeps texting you random questions? My recent ex of 2 years broke up and me and asked me to move out. After moving out the first day he messaged me and asked where I’d put he spare truck key. I responded that it was on the key hook in the kitchen (I’ve never touched it before). Day two he asked me if I was going to be taking his cat as well since I’d already picked mine up. I told him I couldn’t right at the moment but could if I needed to. He responded saying “ok it’s cool was just wondering if you were or not”. Day 3 he texted me saying he thought his cat seemed to be starving herself and she might need a high protein diet. Mind you he broke up with me.
Is this just his way of tying up loose ends?
Would you consider breadcrumbs things such as asking silly questions? I was in a two 1/2 year relationship and we lived together. I was asked to move out so I did. The first day out of the house after he hadn’t spoken to me in days he asked where I put the spare key to his truck. I politely responded it was on the key rack. (That’s where it always is). Day two he asked me if I was going to be taking the other cat at well since I had already picked mine up. I said I couldn’t right at the moment but could if needed. He said “it cool just wondering if you were or not”. Day three he said that he thought the cat seems to be starving herself and he thinks she needs a high protein diet.
Breadcrumbs or just tying up lose ends?
Is a birthday messages also a breadcrumb ?
Yes, duh.
Me and my ex were together for 2 years, towards the end of our relationship we made some new friends, after a while she started losing interest int me. I assumed we were just having a had time because of covid, we had been having a few arguments, we had just come home from holiday, i had to stay home from work so we were spending lots more time together as we lived together. Our relationship became very routine, we spent less time talking and more time on out phones, so when we met these new friends we started going to see them often. We had drinks at their house a few times a week and it was always fun, after a while we started seeing them even more, which i was fine with because i enjoyed their company. However my ex broke up with me and i was very confused, even though for a while i knew she had been off with me. I found out a while after she was cheating on me with our friend.
You sent
about an hour ago
I feel like this is a classic case of GIGS as things in our relationship had become routine and boring during covid and she just met these new person, it would seem that of course she would like her more, start romanticising that her life would be better if she left me for this person. My ex told me about this after her relationship ended with this girl. She said the girl had messaged her explaining her feelings and my ex liked her back, however she told me she didnt want to leave me and that this person had fed her lie about how great life would be if she left me.
You sent
about an hour ago
I found out through mutuals that she had been bad talking me to other people and portraying me negitavley, and i feel like this was her way of trying to make sure she made the right choice and make everyone not hate her for leaving and cheating on me.
You sent
59 minutes ago
She started calling me again when she was sad telling me that she felt like she had nobody at that nobody cared about her. I told her i always will but i was seeing a new person at this point so i couldnt be a part of her life. She thought i was over her, hell i thought i was over her. She called me 2 other occassions when she was sad telling me she was so sorry for the way she treated me and that she cant believe she did that.
You sent
54 minutes ago
I stopped seeing this other girl, and i didnt hear from my ex for a while. One day i saw a memory on snapchat of me and her and sent it to her because it was funny, she sent back an inappropriate video of us. I was confused. She then proceeded to ask me abotu my sex life, i said i had not been seeing anyone and she told me about how she was now sleeping with my other ex friend. That the sex was better than ours. I acted like i was fine and laughed. I found out from her mother that she had been missing from work for 2 days so i contacted her. I found out she had done drugs and slept with a guy (she is a lesbian) i was shocked and confused, she said she didnt like it and that she wasnt going to do it again, but then said she also slept with a male taxi driver because he gave her his phone number.
You sent
53 minutes ago
I didnt know what to say, i told her she was throwing her life away. She said she knew she was but couldnt stop it.
You sent
51 minutes ago
we didnt speak for a couple of days, at this point i still had no intention of getting back with her if she ever asked me to (or at least i was trying to believe that). I however still cried a lot about the situation to my friends, one of them ended up telling her.
You sent
45 minutes ago
she called me yesterday to ask if i was okay, i said yeah it obviously still hurts that she did that to me. She said sorry. We started talking and it turned into a video call, she complemented my hair as i had it up and she mentioned how i never once wore my hair up in the 2 years we were together. We were crying a lot talking to eachother, she was telling me about the tattoos she was planning on getting and then showed me that she had gotten a smiley face and a sad face on her thumbs, matching the ones i had on my knees, she wanted to get a moth tattoo (i also have one) too. we had a pleasant conversation and we would periodically start crying about how we broke up and that we couldnt believe it, she asked me if i wanted to come with her to get a tattoo as she was going to be in my town and i said i would, she kept saying she missed me, that our lives would be so different if we never met those people. I came out of that phone call feeling back in love with her than i ever had.
You sent
43 minutes ago
i called a mutual friend of ours crying saying i loved her and wanted her back more than anything, this mutual friend informed be about all the stuff she said during our initial break up, so i later called my ex back to ask her about these things she had said. She said some were true and that some were outright lies.
You sent
41 minutes ago
I then broke and told her that i found this out because i called my friend crying about how i still loved her, and she was telling me that i shouldnt lover, that she had become a different person, that i wouldnt want to be with her now. She told me shes seeing where things go with this girl she is seeing, she said she didnt think it was going to work but she wanted it to.
You sent
40 minutes ago
I was crying so much and she mentioned how she needed to sleep for work as it was super late, she asked if i wanted to be on the phone with her as she fell asleep, i chose not to because i knew i would spend it crying.
You sent
34 minutes ago
She told me to message her tomorrow and i said to her she wont want me to because im annoying and keep bringing up the fact i want her back. she said it was fine. I wasnt going to message her today but i ended up just saying sorry to her over text, she asked why i was sorry after she had finished work. i said because im annoying, she said im not being annoying she promises, she then asked how i was feeling, the day before i had a stomach ache so i just told her my stomach felt better, she the asked specifically how do i feel about our talk yesterday and i said i didnt know. she then asked me if it was better or worse and i said i wasnt sure, she then asked me what i was up to, i replied that i wasnt really up to much what about her and she hasnt replied (it has only been a couple of minutes as this is happening as i am writing this).
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22 minutes ago
I feel like because of the way our relationship was it had started getting into a routine of the same things everyday, we spent every second together, i started doing more things alone, sleeping in late on the weekends wtc.. so when this other girl came along promising the world she fell for it and thought it would be better because our relationship at that time was weird during lockdown. I feel like she jumped ships, she had only had 1 previous partner before me and not many friends, she had never had many people pursue her romantically and so she didnt have the experiance of being able to date and have wild experiances. She even slept with men, i feel like she felt trapped in a cycle relationship with me and didnt want to miss out on fun while she was still young. i see the situation so clearly and to me i feel like with a bit better communication and effort me and her would have survived this. We wouldnt have broken up. And now shes going into new relationships hoping it will work out with them instead. She calls me up when she is sad, not her new ‘partner’ she says i know her better than anyone. She wants me in her life. I told her that i can just feel it inside my bones that we are supposed to be together, its like a magnetic field, i wanted to move on, i tried, but i cant. She told me if were meant to be together we will be, and maybe one day she will realise that relationships need effort when they are tough, instead of jumping ship. She is that type of person, she gives up when its hard and wants eveything to always be fine. She doesnt like not being okay, when we would have a small argument it would scare her because she didnt want us to break up, she always thought disagreements were bad and shouldn’t happen, the person she is seeing now she once had to go to therapy for because someone had joked that she had a crush on me. she was so scared i was going to leave her for her. she would cry somedays at the thought of me and her not being together. and now we are here…
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21 minutes ago
we thought we were going to be together for the rest of our lives, we were both crying on the phone about how we wanted to be forever. i told her i was so ready for forever, she burst out crying saying she was so ready for forever with me and she doesnt know why this had happened.
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15 minutes ago
she is extremley scared of being alone and im scared she is jumping between people (even going against her sexuality and sleeping with men) so she has some intimacy. I know we could work things out i just dont know if shes ever going to see that as an option. She told me she didnt think if me and her would try again it would work, and i think thats because she doesnt fully understand why she left me, she thinks she just lost interest for me because some other girl liked her. but to me thats so simple! i wasnt showing her as much love, we were watching tv, eating dinner and going to bed everyday to wake up and do the same, if we had caught this we could have made the effort, gone on walks, enjoyed our time together, but i didnt se it until she was gone, i didnt see how much i had stopped showing her i loved her, i became to comfortable, we both did. We thought we were going to be together forever but didnt make the effort to be together forever. She kept asking me why i didnt tell her i still liked her sooner, she said she thought i was seeing other people.
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12 minutes ago
i feel like me and her still have a chance but i dont know what to do. i know she doesnt want to be with this girl she is seeing, when we first met her she told me she didnt really like her, that she didnt think she was that funny. she had cheated on her ex and both me and my ex would talk about how we thought she was weird for doing that. she would laugh at her tiktoks and say they were cringey, even after me and her broke up she once texted me to go and look at her tiktok because they were so bad. but now all of a sudden she wants things to work with her? i dont know what to think or what to do…
You sent
5 minutes ago
she wanted to give me something back and told me she was going to post it, she then said she was going to be in my town and that she could bring it to me. I didnt really want to see her at that point so i said i was busy and she could leave it by my house, however i later said she could bring it to me as i didnt want it stolen. when i saw her she smiled and i said hello to her friends and she left. I messaged her after sayign her style has gotten so much better since we split upand it wasnt fair. she replied back flintily saying do you like what you see 😉
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about a minute ago
i dont know what to do, anyone that has read this far thank you. any advice would be great.
I read the entire article and I still don’t know what the purpose of her breadcrumbs are. She’s with her new perfect partner all weekend & every night but texts me at 8am Monday morning or 2am with the most insignificant things imaginable. I know it’s not sex she’s after. If she thinks about me so much, maybe she shouldn’t be with her current perfect partner.
That’s for her to decide. It’s only up to you whether you continue to put up with her breadcrumbs in the meantime…
This is the second time he has broken it off with me. The first time he had reached out after I was in no contact for about three months. We talked and got back together, stronger than before. This was not a rushed relationship in the beginning. I was cautiously ready to be in a relationship with him.
I was numb when he broke up with me a second time about a year later. It was sudden. He said I deserve better that I am the best woman he’s ever been with. I’ve been in no contact with him for about a month now. He sent me a text recently asking me how I was doing and that he wanted to give me some space before calling. I honestly do not feel Like responding to him at this point. The hurt for me is still too raw. I do love him, but this is the second time he has hurt me and as much as I want a life with him I know this second break up has done a lot of damage.
I’m not reading anything into his text, it’s just that I am still hurting and as Zan pointed out, it is all about the dumper when you receive breadcrumbs. I am worth something more satisfying and filling than breadcrumbs to want to break no contact.
So about two weeks after receiving his text I decided to respond nonchalantly that I am doing well, thank you. Best wishes.
I responded because I do want to leave the line of communication open should he want to reconcile, but I am not putting my life on hold waiting.
Your thoughts?
Hi LaRose,
Im sorry to hear about your story. I guess we’re on the same boat. My ex suddenly broke up with me too mid August. Saying he set me free coz i deserve to be happy and that I am not happy with him. I did the begging, chasing but he always tell me “I want you to be happy. You are not happy with me. You will be happy with someone else.” “I didnt give up on you. I am setting you free. Know that what I do is for you and your future.” It hurts like hell. Everyday I struggle to fight the pain. He said I am still in love with you but i want you to be happy. 😭 I am in 3 days no contact now.
I am trying to shift my focus and energy to myself. I feel like i have fought hard enough to make him realize that I am happy with him and that i want to spend my life with him. I guess we just need to be strong for ourselves and make them realize our worth.
Hi Imperfect!
Prays and time is an excellent healer, and staying in no contact. I decided to block his number on my mobile (I know that may not go down well with everyone but it works for me because I do not want to keep checking to see if he called or sent another text.That only keeps me in the raw emotionally.) I feel now he would have to move mountains if he really wants me back and that’s not to say I would take him back. And I am not playing hard to get. This man broke my heart, twice. I need time to put it back together. We can gain strength from our weakest moments. I’m sure men can get very resourceful if they really want a lady back in their life, especially when they realized they lost an angel.
On the other hand he may have already moved on. Either way I do not concern myself with that anymore.
Maintain your high value and do not beg and chase.
Be good to yourself.
Just Want to ask .. for the last 3 months following me on wats app after no contact. but that did not made me contact him back… as i was already blocked on his wats app on the other number and also on FB for a year, i did not contact him .. suddenly he chooses to block me on this second number of mine as well after 3months of stalking, though he never wrote anything.. only following the time.. was that a breadcrumb for 3 months and when he did not receive any reply then why he blocked me?? what am I supposed to do now?
No, he just doesn’t want to talk to you. Focus on yourself now.
I think blocking is a breadcrumb as well. Anything that gets your attention is a breadcrumb.
My ex blocked me on fb 9 months ago, 1 week after I went NC after 2 weeks of begging and pleading. That blocking itself was weird, considering I already stopped “harassing” her so it was unnecessary.
It sent me the message that she still cared despite of saying the opposite. She still cared enough to feel the need to block me.
Now she has sent a friend request to my sister on my birthday only to cancel it in a minute or so. She knew my sister would tell me and I guess she expected a call or an email from me.
I’m still blocked, so I bet she unblocks me only to look at me, then block me again. I bet she didn’t like that I look better than ever in our 6 years together. Ha! I just updated my profile picture 2 weeks earlier and I lost 20 kilograms since she last saw me.
Everyone congratulated on how much thinner my face is and she had to have noticed it as well.
Unfortunately even this really immature, minor and indirect reachout was enough to cause a setback in my healing process, because the message of her still thinking about me got through to me.
This is when we sad dumpees crave a second, more meaningful reachout, hoping for an apology, a sign of regret. But it doesn’t come.
Well, I’ve learned to be a bit optimistic and I am actually grateful in some way, because I’ve also learned and experienced that when these setbacks end, we are happier than ever before in our post-breakup life.
Hello, I’m not sure if this is the appropriate area to ask but… Or these are signs of something. I was called yesterday by a restricted number right at the time I would be driving home from work. I haven’t received any restricted calls in over 4 years so I thought this might or could be my ex. I do know that it could or just be a coincidence and or nothing but curious. I have been in indefinite no contact for just about 2.5 months. Also I have the ring camera on my front door and over my garage the Wednesday before the restricted call a car is seen pulling up and stopping at the end of my driveway obviously looking at what cars are in my driveway before speeding off. The coincidence of that is I live in a culdosac so there’s no reason to come down the street unless you live on it. Also the car pulled up just enough for the front door camera not to record but my garage camera dId. The significance of that is my ex doesn’t know I have the garage camera. Both of those could be mere coincidences or monkeys my ex’s has put up to keeping tabs on. Again I’m not sure if they fall under breadcrumbs or not but sure where they would as I have not come across an article or blog where you discuss these matters. Thank you in advance your writings have been very helpful to me.
I got dumped after a 10 year relationship about a week ago. Said he’d met someone who makes him feel alive again, he’s smitten and wants to see where this will go. Fine. I listened to his pathetic midlife crisis rant and have quickly moved on and have been in zero contact with him. I saw he called 3 times yesterday and did not leave any message. Now, he’s called my office during work and left a message with the secretary for me to contact him. Should I continue no contact or politely respond. Emotions are still raw.
I’m sorry to hear what you are going through. It is a terrible thing and I have been there.
In the end you have to do what helps you heal best, but generally No Contact does not mean ignore your ex. It means only respond to them when they contact you with something of substance. If you’re not ready to answer calls from them, then wait until you’ve calmed down. If you were busy at work and they know you normally can’t answer calls in that situation, they will know how to get a hold of you if they want.
There is an important line in the article above, “Remember this important line The only time when you should ignore your ex is when he or she is insulting or threatening you and you feel scared for your safety.”
In my experience, No Contact will be quite a journey and you’ll see yourself change and your attitude towards it change over the coming months, if you can stick to it. My suggestion is to read as much as you can on it and drill it in. Best of luck and courage and healing to you.
Thank you, Axel. Here’s what ended up happening…I got the message from my secretary and I eventually responded to him in a civil & polite way via text asking him if there was something important he needed to discuss with me. He responded that he had tried calling me a few times and that he was just reaching out and that he’d like me to call him “if I cared to” to which I replied that “I did not care to at this time”. Then he just kept sending me texts that he was sorry to hear that and that he wanted to talk to me anyway and to just talk to him because we’ve known each other for so long, etc .I told him that if he needs emotional support, he should rely on the person he has now decided to be with and to try to nurture that relationship. The back and forth texting was getting on my nerves, so I called him that night and he basically told me how much he appreciated all the years we had spent together and that he will never forget all the things I had done for him, and that he doesn’t consider the situation as him dumping me but rather we weren’t going anywhere and since he’s getting older, he wants to see if maybe he can have a settled life with someone who can be present for him (disclosure: we were geographically in the same city for years, then lived together for 3 yrs and for the past 3 yrs have tried to really work through a long distance relationship as I moved out of state for work but we managed to get together frequently…it’s been difficult). I listened to him and we got off the phone amicably. I didn’t ask about the new gf or any other details of his life. THEN, about three days after this text/call exchange, his insecure new girlfriend (who is 20 yrs younger than him/ I’m 10 years younger than him), proceeds to call me in the middle of the night from his cell phone to harass me verbally and then sends me psycho text messages from her phone along with lewd pictures of the 2 of them (very classy) because she discovered upon snooping in his phone that there were text exchanges and a phone call…none of which I initiated. She’s under the impression that I’m trying to get him back (which I am not) and feels threatened. I hung up the phone on her and told her to leave me alone, and I did not respond to any of her insane text messages. The only reason I can assume she acted so insecure and crazy is because he’s constantly bringing me up in their conversations. Anyway, I have blocked both of their numbers. I’m trying to move on and have maintained no contact from day 1.
Nice, keep strong and never look back, you are doing quite well but it will be a long and winding road. Feelings & emotions dont die so easily(not yours, not his). Also, his new adventure may not last as he expects, he will be knocking at your door very soon. Then only you can decide how to respond but in my case i’m not looking back after 10 months into NC, she still reaches out to me, i’m polite but I don’t linger in the convos too long.
God luck to you
Dear Zan,
What if the breadcrumbing comes years down the road after they married, and goes on for a couple of years, and you basically ignored it all (using social media, likes, brief comments etc,) but they reached out using email upon a couple of tragic moments in your life. And while nice you don’t really bite when they basically ask you to call them.
Then they tell you you cutting them off was devastating You just continue to ignore. Then you find out they did this final reach out while pregnant. That final fact has thrown me for a loop and weakened my “I’m done resolve” though i have stuck to it. But was for the first time rattled. I just don’t see how that was dishonest towards me. This was also a situation created by different ages, maturity, life goals and places in life not anyone being evil or misbehaving. I am baffled and stumbled on your articles and really found them educational.
Thank you
I was with my partner for around 10 years when we split up, after a few weeks of begging and pleading I finally found out about the contact rule and put it into action. after around three months my ex got in touch with me! we had a great chat on the phone, in which she told me she missed me and thought about me all the time.
We made plans to meet up for a coffee some time in the future,
She asked over and over if I had been on dates or if I had slept with anyone when I say she asked over and over I mean dozens and dozens of times, I finally mentioned that I had been on a dates and met some nice people.
this was like a red rag to a bull, and started asking my advice about her future dates, saying she didn’t like this guy but he had asked her out on the Saturday, so all that week she is telling me she misses me and then out of the blue asking my advice on her dating situation. It doesn’t take a genius to work out she was playing games
Since I’d already gone through a lot of emotional stress in no contact a few months before, I felt I was strong enough to tell her that I wasn’t going to play games.
I told her it was probably best that we don’t contact each other and give each other space.
even though it feels very raw and I doubt my choice every day, I still feel it was the right thing to do
I said it was nice to hear from her but if she really did miss me It was up to her to follow through on those words without playing games.
Thank you for such an interesting post. Do you think that your position applies to friendship for mature people (over 50). I have been in love for years with a woman who seems to like me. We hang around often and we have a good time together. Yet, I think that my friend does not appreciate me as much as I do. Recently she ignored me for at least two weeks. She spent Christmas and New Year with her two female friends without asking me what I was doing. I was upset and I asked her where I stand for her. I also told her that she gave me mixed signals about our relationships. She told me that she only care for me. I thanked her for the clarification and we did not communicate since. I really miss her despite the fact that she does not treat me right. I do not have many very good friends and I am hesitating with two options: to be contend with an unsatisfactory relationship for me (I give more that she does) or let it go and move on. I have decided not to contact her anymore and wait to see if she call me. If she does I am not sure to know what to do and say… Any advices?
Hi,
So my wife of 2,5 years, together for 7 years left me in me october. Started no contact after a couple of weeks when the practical things were sorted. We no longer live together.
We have a child together and im seeing a new pattern: after 5-6 days of complete silence from my side she reaches out via text and starts with something about our child. I respond (since i dont want to be an irresponsible parent) and she then responds about info about her life our initiates even more contact in the following text.
First time she emailed me telling me about our child talking about genitalia with his friends at preschool (he’s three so nothing weird). She also referenced something he has said months earlier about “adults hugging naked” and wondered if he could have seen us having sex. For the example she was making, that question made no sense and only showed me that she thinks about us having sex.
Today she even called me to give me info about our kid that could have been summarized in two sentences in a text. I think she has started to realize that her new life is not as nice as she imagined and she misses me and what she has left. So she wants to hear my voice and sends me breadcrumbs. Ill stay in no contact and make her realize that i am going to need alot more seriousness and work from her to get my attention.
She told me that she no longer wanted the relationship and I have not received any info from her that changes my approach to life. She wants out so im preparing for a life without her, if she changes her mind she will need to tell me so straight up and then i can think about where i am and what i want. Depending on how she approaches me (and she will).
When I first read this article a month or so ago it made me angry. I didn’t agree at all. I thought that whoever wrote this must be bitter!! There was no way my ex would do such a thing. She would call and text me occasionally and tell me she missed me, loved me and even one time asked the hypothetical question “Would you take me back”? To me this was not breadcrumbing. She had to be serious, right? Her messages were far more detailed and in-depth than the examples in the article. My ex must want me back. I was always in ‘No Contact’ and never initiated contact. It was always her so she has to be genuine, right? We had been together for 2.5 years!
As time went on over the last month I realized a pattern. She would say these nice things and then disappear without contact for days or a week. She would never contact me in evenings or weekends. It was so bad I could even predict the days she would contact me and roughly the time by using a calendar. I would sit and wait for that next message.
I was able to ascertain that her life was in shambles. She was forced to move back in with her parents, her job was unstable, money was tight and she was burdened with unexpected family responsibilities. At first I was happy to hear this as my life is very stable. Maybe this would push her back into my arms. I asked her several times to meet me face-to-face and discuss anything. It didn’t even have to be about the relationship, just simple conversation. Each time she had an excuse and it was obvious that she had no intention of meeting me or reconciling the relationship.
I re-read the article and then it clicked. The author was bang-on. My ex was a professional breadcrumber. Each one would give me hope and I would keep that hope until the next message or call. I was hooked. I realized that my anxiety would be fully active and hopes shattered every time she contacted me. This went on for 2.5 months. I played it cool and followed all advice I had read about but it was obvious that all she did was fulfill her needs by talking/texting me and then disappear again until she needed me.
We all have different relationships, with different variables. There is a lot of advice on the internet on what you should and should not do. If there is one thing I have learned is that you need to make a concise decision based on your particular circumstance and how well you know your ex. I really had to think about what was my best choice and even that wasn’t guaranteed. There is no perfect method or answer. You have to do what you think is best for you and activate it without regrets.
I had not broken ‘No Contact’ during the breakup but I chose to write a final text before she contacted me again and set me back. I needed to end the pain. This text indicated in a very polite manner that I needed her to stop contacting me so that I could heal and move on. I did not place blame and focused on myself rather than assuming her feelings. I also blocked her on all outlets. I know some people advise not to block your ex because it appears immature but it was for me not her. If I didn’t then I would constantly be waiting for that possible text. This way I know it is not coming. It can’t.
This was a very hard step to take. You can expect a certain degree of regret and remorse after but that will go away. Trust me you must heal. If this person really loves you then they will give you the space and allow you to heal. In addition, be aware that if your ex really loves you and gets to a point where they must talk to you for purposes of reconciliation, they will. They will always find a way. They can physically find you or even write an old school letter and mail it. If they go to that extend then I think that is a more positive sign then continuous breadcrumbs that only help your ex heal. I seriously could care less if my ex heals. That’s not my concern. My concern is me.
Thank you for the article.
Hi Johnny.
I’m glad you see things more clearly now.
Stay strong and keep healing! There’s someone better for you out there.
Best,
Zan
UPDATE: Well 11 months after the breakup and guess what. I got a call from my ex from a private number as she was blocked from everything I own. I was polite mainly because I am completely over her. She is regretful and indicates she made the biggest mistake in her life breaking up with me. She wants to reconcile and meet up.
Of course that is no longer an option for me. Everything I was hoping she would come back and say to me such as Regretting her decision and totally apologetic happened. However, I’m not relishing in it like I had thought. It’s because I, so over her and moved on.
Her current relationship and life is an absolute shambles. She obviously wants to be saved. Unfortunately I’m not that guy.
No contact works, ignoring works. Despite what some coaches say, ignoring your ex while you heal is essential. It’s so crazy how these things work.
Wow! This article was such an eye-opener and made me feel so validated.
I was in a relationship for about a year and a half and even though it seemed short, we had a lot in common and fell deeply in love with each other. In any case, his insecurities and past childhood traumas got the best of him (his words, not mine) and he decided that he couldn’t be in a relationship anymore.
I 100% agreed with his reasoning and gave him no obstacles, he was younger than me by a lot so I decided to not be immature about it and we decided to take a break and try to be friends later.
Long story short, a month or so later he started breadcrumbing me. he knew exactly how to get me to talk to him and give him my time and was doing that on a very constant basis. I loved him still and ignored those red flags. I went against my gut feelings and decided to spend time with him.
Well, every time I did I would feel wrecked the next day. i was out of control emotionally and it got to the point where I had a couple of very emotionally episodes in front of him (I am not really an overtly-emotional person) and after the 2nd time it happened, I decided to stop all contact. I had a long conversation with him about this, and in the midst of that I realized that he was completely ignoring my emotional well being and just wanted to keep spending time with me so he would have a best friend to talk to and someone to spend time with (he doesnt have a lot of friends). He tried every trick in the book to guilt me into continuing to see him but I stood my ground and told him that if he wanted us to be friends in the future, that we needed to heal separately.
He reluctantly agreed and it’s been 5 months and I have had no contact with him. I still miss him and the time we had together and sometimes feel weak and want to talk to him but I wont. Because i am so terrified of feeling the way I felt when he convinced me to hang out with him after our breakup. i dont ever want to feel that shitty again.
I made a goal to not contact him until I feel nothing but a fondness for the time we spent together. Not longing, but just, fondness. Not sure how long it is going to take for me to get over all the negative emotions but I am in no rush.
I have in the most polite way possible asked my ex to stop texting me and have been specific as to what the effects of her text are.But she still texts me. What do I do?
Jake,
I’m positive Zan did not see this. You would have received a message if your post was read.
I would encourage you to reiterate not being contacted so that you can heal. Stress that you are in need of healing.
Focus on being polite. Respond in a very mature manner.
The continued breadcrumbs are only going to hurt you. Please understand that I have experienced this. It only damages your healing and moving on.
Thank you for your wonderful post. I experienced this breadcrumbs since 3years.spoiled my health progress everything waisted years for her.
Your post is an eye opener.. Doing great job for people like me. God bless you all success.
Hi Dev.
Thank you for your amazing comment. I appreciate it!
Kind regards,
Zan
I stumbled on this site this morning, thanks Zan. My ex is avoidant and I am anxious. She got back in touch with me last October. I have been really specific and clear that I want to get back together, but she sends mixed messages and then disappears. In her head she thinks she has been clear, but saying something like “the right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing” is hardly saying she has no feelings for me, which is what she claims. She has then been breadcrumbing to the point that I am just fed up now. She sent her last text 8 days ago, where she didn’t answer a question I asked, so I have just left it. If she wants to speak with me then she knows where I am, but I am worth more than this rubbish! I am in major withdrawal, but if no contact is what it takes for her to step up and have a mature conversation then so be it.
Hi Lee.
Unfortunately, no contact is the only way for her to see your worth. She doesn’t understand how you feel when she messages you, so you need to tell her to stop contacting you.
Do this for yourself so that you can begin to heal.
Kind regards,
Zan
“This is why learning how to respond to breadcrumbs from your ex is crucial not only for reconciliation purposes but also for your own personal growth.” There is a contradiction here. The article concludes that reconciliation is impossible, that all communication from an ex is deceitful. So under what circumstances is an ex actually trying to reconcile. Obviously, there must be some form of communication in order to do so. What constitutes a sincere desire to right the mistake they’ve made?
Hi Doug.
I understand your confusion with the article so allow me to explain in a different way.
Communication with an ex-partner can seem deceitful because the second we receive a message, we get hurt and interpret it in the way we want to.
That’s why dumpees have a choice to make. 1)They can put up with breadcrumbs and pretend everything is fine. 2.)Put a stop to them.
Now, most dumpees, unfortunately, think that they will crawl back into their dumper’s heart inch by inch, but little do they know that it likely won’t happen. Sooner rather than later, they will lose their emotional self-control and try to push their ex into making a decision.
I don’t blame them, because when they want something so badly, they’re going to make mistakes. And these mistakes push the dumper away.
That’s why I encourage dumpees to learn how to respond to breadcrumbs in a way that will either keep their hopes down or stop communication altogether. And doing this the right way is what makes personal growth possible.
Again, most dumpers don’t come back because of silly daily conversations. They can’t change their opinion of their dumpees in that way as they are too stubborn, egoistical, and set on their decision. And that’s where the indefinite no contact comes in.
It’s the best way for dumpees to save themselves from breadcrumbs, move on, and make their ex realize their worth.
Ps. In my other articles, I talk about the dumpers’ real reasons for coming back. I basically state that dumpers need one hell of a strong motive to change their mind about their well-thought-out breakup decision. They need something to push them over the edge, and breadcrumbs, unfortunately, provide quite the opposite.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thanks for the response, Zan. So, if a dumper texts that she misses you before no-contact, it’s a breadcrumb; but if she texts I miss you (or something else substantive) after months of no-contact, it could be a sign that she’s seeing you in a different/better light and might be reconsidering her decision to leave?
Hi Doug.
I apologize for the late reply.
Breadcrumbs aren’t defined by time alone, but by the actions and meaning itself. You will know your ex is serious when she’s actually serious. When she sees you in a better light, she will put in a lot of effort.
Best regards,
Zan
This is the second time he has broken it off with me. The first time he reached out after I was in no contact for about three months. We talked and got back together, stronger than before. This was not a rushed relationship in the beginning. I was cautiously ready to be in a relationship with him.
I was numb when he broke up with me a second time about a year later. It was sudden. He said I deserve better that I am the best woman he’s ever been with. I’ve been in no contact with him for about a month now. He sent me a text recently asking me how I was doing and that he wanted to give me some space before calling. I honestly do not feel Like responding to him at this point. The hurt for me is still too raw. I do love him, but this is the second time he has hurt and as much as I want a life with him I know this second break up has done a lot of damage.
I’m not reading anything into his text, it’s just that I am still hurting and as Zan pointed out, it is all about the dumper when you receive breadcrumbs. I am worth something more satisfying and filling than breadcrumbs to want to break no contact.
Your thoughts?
Hi Zan.
Thank you so much for your blog.
Feel so happy to found it.
I’ve been the Dumper and the Dumpee in my last relation that ended a year ago. I’ve passed through very difficult times, depressing and obsessing. I still have something’s to get through but feel stronger everyday. Your perspective has been a wonderfull help to put things in perspective, more reasonable and less emotional. It feels good to finally see my myself at my best again.
3 years ago I ended my 5 year relation, due to my lack of compromise and incapacity to move forward with her. She never gave up and two years latter I’ve changed my mind and tried to get back together. At that moment her behavior changed completely, she said that she had come over our relation and met another guy. I felt she took avenge of me and became manipulative, sending strange signs and providing me hope.
I started No contact 8 months ago, only breaking it to send a message for her birthday in June and Christmas. In that time she send me random messages with strange meanings and I felt she became condescendent because she lost her respect for me.
In new year she came back again with that.
I believe she won’t give up doing that, but I live everyday better with that, your reflections helped me a lot with that.
Another brutal post 👍
Funny… my ex broke up 1 months ago (after a month of “I need space” bullsh*$€t).
I immediately unfollowed her from instagram and told her to do the same, even though my profile is public.
Then I disciplined myself not to check her profil.
To days ago… to my surprise… she looked at my instagram story and left a “😍”.
WTF?!
I have not and will not check her instagram. I am working out and look more sexy than before, and started reading 2 books a month.
I post all my accomplishments and good times online (a little Narcissism in me), but it’s not for her… I’ve always shared online. No changes there.
I didn’t look at her reply… because the she would see that I’ve clicked on her reply. But today I was being polite and clicked on her massage… so she can see that I’ve read her: “😍”!!!
I did not respond.
Thx for a great post 💪🏼
Keep up the good work.
btw: I can recommend this book: Attached.
Hi SCVrush.
Thanks for the comment and for sharing the book with us.
Good luck on your journey of personal improvement. If you do it right now, I guarantee the knowledge and experience will stick with you for life. So keep it up and do it for yourself.
As for your ex’s breadcrumbs, don’t think much of it. Just keep going the way you have and you’ll do great.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hello…so my girlfriend of over a month just dumped me over a week ago.We were best friends prior to taking things to the next level.She expressed desire, care and love for me during our time together.There were instances she kept pushing me away but we figured things out.We were going strong despite a few bumps along the long which we’d always work out.She’s a student in college but her school is half way across the country.She left for school and after a week she started exhibiting a different character and personality.She acted distant and did not respond to my texts like before.I’d text and call her to make she was doing ok.Communication became a hurdle between us all over again.I asked her numerous times if I could go see her but she always stopped me from doing so.She claimed that school work was for school entirely and any business she had at home was to be left at home.I felt betrayed.She then asked for space a couple of days later which i reluctantly did.She texts me 2 days later and i thought she wanted to make things work but she tells me that she wants us to break up but not lose me as a friend either.We had good chemistry. Very good.I ask for explanations behind her sudden change of heart but she brushes me off.I send her one last text on WhatsApp expressing my feelings towards her decision.I employed the NC rule and it’s been 10 days.I’ve not deleted her no. But i’ve disconnected from social media entirely.She can’take find me unless she texts or calls.Yesterday i receive a missed call from her.Our mutual friend also received 2 of them as well.I do miss her.I told her I’d always care about her.Does she miss me as well? I love her so much but I felt like she treated me like a complete waste of time.Should I wait to see if she contacts me again?…Should I reply?…I’m focused on exercising and overseeing my 30 days no contact rule.Some advice would help…..
Hi Jonny.
Forget about the 30-day no contact rule and give your ex more time. If she wants to get back with you, she will put in the effort to do so.
Stay strong and don’t give in to her breadcrumbs.
Kind regards,
Zan