How To Deal With A Breakup When You Have A Child Together?

Dealing with a breakup is difficult, but it’s especially difficult when you have a child together. Children tend to complicate the relationship between separated parents as they hinder them from parting ways completely and focusing entirely on themselves.

They give them additional responsibilities and stop them from thinking only about themselves.

To some degree, parents must stay in touch and communicate about their children’s living arrangements. They can’t avoid communication altogether and deal with the breakup as if it were a normal breakup.

A breakup with children involved requires cooperation and occasional communication. This communication must be strictly about children and parents’ unfinished business.

If they live in the same house, they must set some ground rules and act maturely and respectfully around their children. Basically, they must be good role models as their behavior and attitude toward one another could severely impact the development of their children.

So if you want to know how to deal with a breakup when you have a child together, bear in mind that your child comes first, no matter what. Your child is innocent and deserves healthy co-parenting whether you get along with your ex or not.

This means you should avoid arguing, threatening, begging, and acting impulsively in front of the child.

Instead of badmouthing each other and trying to make your child choose a favorite, be neutral and explain why things happened the way they did.

If your child is old enough to understand the situation, consider saying that sometimes mom and dad disagree and that they think they should get some space from each other to think things through–and that it won’t change the love they have for their kids.

Your child doesn’t want to get caught up in a battle between his or her parents. He or she doesn’t want to be used as a bargaining chip either. Your child deserves dedicated and loving parents even if they aren’t together and on good terms.

You don’t want your child to grow up with parents who can’t communicate even when it comes to his or her needs. If you were in the same situation, you wouldn’t want your parents to be resentful and care more about their needs than the needs of their child.

No matter why the breakup happened, it’s important to put your differences aside and talk to each other about your child. I know it’s hard to do that, especially if you got dumped, but if your ex knows the importance of communicating about the child, he or she will be open and willing to communicate.

Your ex will reach out himself or herself and talk about the things that are in the best interest of the child. 

You should contact your ex only when you need to talk about the child. Everything else is not important and shouldn’t be discussed. Not when you’re going through a breakup and aren’t ready to be friends yet.

You can catch up later when you’re ready to learn about each other’s life. 

But after the breakup, it may be better not to ask too many questions. You’re probably not ready to learn that your ex is dating someone else while you’re tending to your child and figuring out why the breakup happened. 

That’s why you must keep in mind that exes should give each other space after the breakup. They shouldn’t talk unless it’s about something important, like their kids, belongings, mortgage, shared finances, etc. If they must talk, they should be concise, rational, and respectful, and should leave their kids out of their problems.

Some breakups get ugly to the point where parents use their children as a weapon against each other. They turn their kids against each other or threaten that they won’t let each other see their kids anymore. Such parents are hungry for power and control and fail to realize they’re hurting their children more than each other.

Kids aren’t personal belongings, but rather their own human beings. Both parents have equal parenting rights unless one parent is deemed unfit to parent. In that case, the court might grant the other parent full custody.

Let’s hope it doesn’t get that far and that you’re able to get along for everyone’s sake. You don’t need to act like everything’s fine and that you’re still together (it will make things worse and prolong the inevitable), but do act cordially and dedicate your child more attention when your ex is not around. 

It will take some time to get used to the new dynamics, but you can do it. It may not seem like it, but you’re still a family. You’re interconnected and will remain connected for many years. Eventually, the way you interact with one another will become the new normal and won’t seem odd and unfulfilling anymore.

So be patient for now and get through the storm. Things will get easier with time.

In today’s post, we talk about how to deal with a breakup when you have a child together. 

How to deal with a breakup when you have a child together?

Dealing with a breakup when you have a child together can be a challenging task. It can force you to interact with your ex and severely impact your healing and well-being. The breakup can cause you so much anxiety and pain that you fall into depression and project your unhappiness onto your child.

A child requires a lot of attention, love, and energy, and that might be more than you currently have. At the moment, you probably feel anxious and depressed and can barely do the chores and get through the day. You don’t feel much if any love for yourself, so taking care of another person must be exhausting.

It requires immense willpower and strength as well as frequent reminders about the importance of successfully raising a child.

Coping with a breakup and taking care of a child at the same time can be tough. It can make you feel like you can’t even take care of yourself, let alone your child. This is, of course, not true. It’s your separation anxiety and depression talking as they make you think you’re not cut out for relationships and parenting.

They want you to give up and do nothing but relax.

I know you’re sad and anxious now that your ex is gone. You’re afraid your child will grow up in a broken family and that you and your child will have a hard time coping with the breakup.

I’m not going to sugarcoat it. It will be emotionally draining for a while. You’ll feel sad, lost, and hurt and won’t know what to do. Life won’t be very fulfilling as you’ll struggle to find meaning in your life, outside of your relationship with your child.

If you’re trying to get back together with your ex, you might also hope that your child somehow helps you bridge the gap between you and your ex and allows you to get back together. Such thoughts and cravings are to be expected.

When you’re hurt, your anxious brain obsesses with your ex and looks for all kinds of ways to reconnect with your ex and feel loved again. It may even tell you to use your child as a tool to bond over a shared topic and show growth.

What your brain doesn’t tell you though is that your ex didn’t leave because you were a bad parent.

Your ex left because he or she:

• focused on your flaws
• failed to maintain the relationship
• neglected his or her negative thinking
• associated negative beliefs with you
• and acted on urges to be happy by any means necessary

Instead of expressing gratitude for the things you did well, forgiving you for your mistakes, making plans for the relationship, and letting go of the past, your ex waited for the relationship to deteriorate and determined that the relationship was not worth any more time and effort.

This means your ex abandoned his or her family when things got tough and made your and your child’s future uncertain.

You now need to remind yourself that your ex decided to quit and that your ex shouldn’t be revered for it. Your ex should be branded as a quitter and someone you need to work with mainly when it comes to your child.

You probably feel that you’re not good enough (especially if your ex said so), but do keep in mind that the relationship didn’t fail just because of you. It’s seldom just one person’s fault.

You’ve probably heard the quote that relationships take two to tango. If one person loses interest, it’s not because the other made all the mistakes.

Yes, the dumpee can be abusive and a lousy parent, but that’s not always the case. Many times, breakups happen simply because dumpers get overwhelmed with stress and pressure and fall in love with someone else.

That makes them impulsive people who prioritize instant gratifications over promises and commitments.

So if your ex fell out of love with you even though the relationship was healthy and fulfilling for the most part, remind yourself that the breakup isn’t entirely your fault. It’s mostly your ex’s for taking the relationship for granted and seeking fulfillment elsewhere.

If your ex saw your importance and knew how to communicate, your ex would have found a way to stay connected and in love. Your ex would have done everything in his or her power to be a loving/responsible partner and parent.

Since your ex didn’t care about the relationship despite committing to it verbally and non-verbally, you can be certain your ex wasn’t ready for a long-term relationship with you. It took this long to break up only because your ex hadn’t had a chance to encounter such problems, stressors, or temptations before.

Your ex was able to stay with you (and be happy) until he or she got stressed/overwhelmed and discovered different sources of validation and/or happiness. I don’t know what those sources are, but clearly, it’s not the relationship.

While everyone has the right to leave, they shouldn’t leave the moment they think they’re unhappy. Every couple goes through ups and downs. Some have bigger obstacles than others, but ultimately, their thoughts and determination to succeed keep them together.

Couples don’t simply grow apart as many people claim. That would imply that forces outside of their control make them take different paths in life and cause them to fall out of love.

The reason they feel disconnected is because they didn’t find or try to find a way to stay connected when their connection was fading.

Rather than spending time together, going on dates, being intimate, discussing their future, and bonding, they treated each other as roommates and detached over time. Such couples have no right to claim they became incompatible.

Feelings of incompatibility (not actual incompatibility) occur when couples take each other for granted time after time and become distant and resentful. That’s when they fall out of love and wonder what’s the point in staying with their partner.

So if you want to know how to deal with a breakup when you have a child together, deal with it by reminding yourself it wasn’t your fault. You weren’t perfect, but your ex was even further from it. He or she only made it seem like it was your fault to hide his or her reasons for detaching, leaving, and hurting you.

You’ll deal with the breakup much more efficiently and quickly if you tell yourself your ex left you due to his or her own problems and that your ex complicated his or her child’s upbringing because of it.

It will take a while to stop hurting and taking the breakup personally. But if you focus on yourself and your child, you’ll slowly get your power back and realize your ex isn’t worth crying over. You’ll understand that your ex isn’t special and a person you were meant to grow old with.

Saying you’ll be fine one day is easy and obvious, but being fine right now is a completely different story. Coping with a breakup when you have a child can be extremely challenging. Most people take it one day at a time and try not to worry about their future.

They focus on the present moment and prioritize anything and anyone other than their ex. This helps them find purpose in their life and makes them more self-reliant.

Unlike dumpees with no kids, you’ll have to interact with your ex once in a while. You’ll especially have to do that if you live or work together as it will force you to communicate about essential matters and get along.

If you have any kind of unfinished business with your ex, I suggest you find a way to sort it out and separate your lives as quickly as possible. You shouldn’t keep talking and craving the opposite things from each other longer than you have to.

A child is a major commitment, so focus even harder on your child. Doing so will keep you busy and help you get through the storm. Once you’re feeling better, you’ll once again see your potential and find joy in everyday things.

Until then, do whatever it takes to take your mind off your ex and keep your anxiety under control. If leaning on your friends and family helps you with that, do that. Make sure you’re mentally and emotionally healthy and that your child doesn’t feel unwanted and neglected.

Things will get easier when you accept the situation, improve yourself, regain your power and happiness, and see that your ex did you a huge favor. Your mind will change from not wanting to move on to not wanting your ex to interfere with your happiness and success in life.

You just need to be patient and wait for that day to come.

With that said, here are my tips on how to deal with a breakup when you have a child together.

Your ex may not love you, but your child does. Keep that in mind when you compare yourself to others and feel like you’ve failed to accomplish your goals. By remembering that your child needs you, you should feel more determined to get back on your feet and be a productive person.

If you need help with meeting your child’s needs, you can always ask your family members for help. Don’t be embarrassed to admit you’re struggling with the breakup and that you only want the best for your child.

You can also ask your ex for help. He or she may not be able to fix your broken heart, but your ex can look after his or her child for a couple of weeks or so while you’re figuring out how to deal with the breakup.

As a parent, you’ll have to trust your ex to know what he or she is doing and that he or she wants the best for the child as well.

It will take months or longer to get over a breakup with your ex, but do expect every day to feel a bit better. You’ll have days when you feel depressed and unloved and days when you don’t think about your ex much.

Such fluctuations are normal as they indicate you’re detaching and healing.

No matter how anxious and defeated you feel, I urge you to get back on your feet every time. Remember that you have your whole life ahead of you and that you and your child will be happy with or without your ex’s presence.

As long as you know your duties as a parent and have the will to push on, you’ll get through the breakup and find happiness and peace again.

Just give yourself time to grieve and things everything will work out in the end.

What do you think? How should exes deal with a breakup when they have a child together? Share your views in the comments area below. We’ll respond shortly.

However, if your situation is complicated and wish to go into detail about your breakup that includes a child, subscribe to personal coaching and reach out to us. We’ll devise a plan that fits your specific situation.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.