Updated on October 17, 2025
First of all, you’re greatly mistaken if you think you should be the one to send the first text after the no contact rule. I know some people say otherwise, but those are usually the ones more interested in your money than your emotional well-being and success with your ex. They want you to feel hopeful and purchase their services.
People who genuinely care about you will tell you that no contact is permanent and that the 60, 45, or 30-day no contact rule is complete nonsense, which will only lead to more heartbreak and disappointment.
The moment you reach out and put your faith in your ability to persuade your ex, you’ll get an unwanted reaction from your ex and realize that you should have stayed in no contact and let your ex reach out to you.
Many dumpees realize this too late. They first get desperate and try to get their ex back with effort and determination. They come to their senses after their ex has rejected them or failed to give them the reassurance they sought. That’s when they open up to reconciliation methods that are good for them and their ex.
You must understand that your ex most likely won’t be ready to talk to you after a short period of silence. 30-something days are unlikely to make your ex learn that he or she took you for granted and made a big mistake. Even 60 days are unlikely to have this effect on your ex because if your ex is like most dumpers, he or she probably self-victimizes, feels relieved, craves space, and is glad that he or she is no longer forced to stay in an unfulfilling relationship.
To you, the relationship made sense and made you happy. But to your ex, it wasn’t working. I don’t have the insight to tell you what bothered him or her, but clearly, something wasn’t going according to plan. Whether your ex had unreasonably high expectations, fell in love with someone else, became bitter and resentful, or simply neglected you or the relationship, he or she left for greener pastures.
Your ex now needs time to look for those pastures and see if leaving you was worth it. Most dumpers initially feel empowered by the breakup and don’t regret a thing. They wish they’d left their ex and found their sense of freedom sooner.
That’s why they often seem so happy after the breakup and say things like:
- I’m finally happy.
- I feel free/can focus on myself now.
- I should have done this sooner.
- My ex wasn’t good for me.
- We weren’t compatible.
- I don’t miss the drama.
Your ex likely needs months, not days of time to process the newfound space and freedom and start seeing his or her flaws and mistakes. If you consider no contact over and reach out, you’ll disrupt your ex’s freedom and reset your no contact progress. You might even personally witness how your ex treats people who pressure or disrespect him or her.
Least to say, you won’t like it and might even blame yourself for messing things up.
So try not to sabotage your ex’s reflection process, your health, and your chances of reconciliation. —and instead stay in no contact. The first text after no contact isn’t yours to send. The person who needs to send it is your ex. And he/she needs to do that after realizing that life was better and happier with you.
If your ex sends it out of curiosity, guilt, or boredom, you should consider it a breadcrumb, an unimportant message that won’t bring you any closer to reconciliation. It will just give you hope and mess with your wounded heart.
It’s in your best interest to avoid reaching out to your ex first, no matter how much you crave your ex’s attention and how badly your life is going. You’ll never attract your ex when you’re desperate, miserable, and scared. That’s because your ex will sense your intensity and expectations and naturally keep his or her distance out of self-protection.
That means your best shot is to stay in no contact and respect your ex’s space and privacy. Stay in it even if your ex reached out recently. If your ex’s reach-out wasn’t about getting back together, you have no choice but to keep your distance and heal.
In this article, we’ll talk about the first text after the no contact rule and go into more detail about how you can respond in a nice manner without pushing your ex away.
The first text after the no contact rule
The first text after the no contact rule will likely be hard to interpret or respond to because of your overwhelming anxiety. Every fiber in your body will tell you to be careful and not show too much or too little interest.
But despite feeling nervous due to rejection and the fear of your ex, you developed in no contact, you mustn’t lose your emotional control and do something your ex isn’t prepared to see.
You’ll probably shake and sweat as if you’re on fire, but don’t let your emotions take control of your actions. If you let them take over, your ex will sense your weakened emotional and mental state and see how nervous and insecure you are.
That’s not something your ex will find appealing. Especially not now that your ex has stopped seeing your romantic value and wanting to be with you. If you appear nervous, scared, insecure, or desperate, your ex will feel in control and push you further away.
So do your best not to let your ex know that you’ve been dying to hear from him or her. Instead, show that your ex’s first text after no contact doesn’t bother you one bit.
When you portray secure, alpha traits, your ex will no longer feel threatened by your post-breakup mistakes and expectations, and might want to converse with you on equal terms.
He or she might see you as an equal—a person of self-respect and value and perceive you in a non-threatening way.
Whatever your ex’s intentions are, there’s a good, a bad, and a horrible way to reply to your ex’s first text after the no contact rule. Your response could make your ex feel positive, neutral, or negative emotions, bringing him or her closer or further away from you.
That’s why you must respond to your ex in a way that doesn’t make your ex regret contacting you and hearing what you have to say. Sounds simple, right?
The first text after no contact rule matters a lot!
It takes some dumpees months or even years to receive the first message from their ex. It takes that long because dumpers don’t feel the desire or need to converse. They said everything they wanted to say, so they focus on themselves/moving on.
They reach out mainly when they become curious, nostalgic, guilty, scared, or bored.
I suppose most dumpers feel at least one of these emotions, which is why 90% of them sooner or later, reach out to their ex to get something from their ex. Whether they’re after recognition, forgiveness, emotional support, or love, they reach out and take their ex by surprise.
By contacting their ex, they shock their ex and make their ex’s anxiety shoot through the roof.
How anxious the dumpee feels usually depends on how badly the breakup affected the dumpee, how long ago the breakup happened, and how happy and detached the dumpee is. If the dumpee has low self-esteem and many intrusive thoughts and unprocessed emotions, he or she is likely to experience intense shock, hope, and anxiety all at once.
The dumpee finds it impossible to focus on anything other than the dumper’s reachout.
Most, if not all, dumpees experience immense amounts of stress when they receive the first text after no contact. They get so anxious, they reread their ex’s message a hundred times and extract hope from it.
More often than not, they don’t find any concrete evidence of regret and love, so they stay anxious and hopeful that their ex will ease their suffering.
If you get stressed when your ex reaches out to you, do your best not to obsess over it, as it’s only going to make your situation worse. Overanalyzing your ex’s words could make you physically ill and cause you to lose your appetite and sleep.
It could cause you extreme obsession with your ex and/or over his or her new partner.
So try not to develop (or worsen) an ex-obsession. Avoid it by practicing various relaxation techniques and staying busy. The busier you are, the less you’ll want your ex to return and validate your importance.
Having said that, here are a few rules to follow when your ex sends you the first text after the no contact rule.
Be the best person you can be
When your ex texts you out of the blue and you don’t know whether you should wait, ignore, or seenzone, rely on your core values for guidance.
In other words, act as if you were the kindest and most confident person in the world. You can’t go wrong by saying and doing what emotionally mature and kind people do. Be kind and respectful, but at the same time, strong and self-loving.
Don’t listen to anyone who tells you to act dishonestly. They are usually people who only care about themselves and don’t know how dumpers think and feel.
If you need some time to decide what to say to your ex after no contact, that’s perfectly fine. Taking a minute or two to think about your reply isn’t ignoring your ex, nor is it dishonest.
You have every right to think carefully before crafting your response and hitting send. Just make sure that what you’re going to say is respectful and shows confidence.
You won’t make your ex lose his or her respect or interest if you treat him or her with kindness and respect. You’ll push your ex further away only if you lose your cool and act out of character.
This includes:
- begging and pleading
- getting angry
- crying uncontrollably
- ignoring
- acting pretentious
- lying and deceiving
- pitying yourself
- threatening
Your response should show that you’ve grown since the breakup and that you haven’t dedicated your entire life to getting back together and feeling secure through validation. Consider it an opportunity to reveal your achievements and make your ex envious of the success you achieved without him or her.
Examples of the first text after the no contact rule
We could include hundreds of examples of the dumper’s first text after the no contact period, but today we’ll only cover the most common ones.
Here are 10 examples:
- Hey!
- Sup?
- How are you?
- Have you seen my toothbrush?
- Hey, what’s my Netflix password?
- Hi, I just wanted to check up on you.
- Do you want your sweater back?
- Do you still have the books I gave you a while back?
- How’s the dog doing?
- Can you fix my computer?
The dumper’s first text after the no contact period is often a funny quote, a random picture, a trivial question, or a silly remark. It’s about the dumper and has nothing to do with getting back together as a couple.
That’s why you shouldn’t take your ex’s outreach seriously and stop what you’re doing just to please him or her. Make sure to take your time and try to understand your ex’s true motive for reaching out. You don’t need to play detective. Just pay attention and help him or her feel respected.
When the time is right and your ex discovers your value, your ex will put in the effort and give you something to work with.
How to respond when your ex reaches out?
There’s no right or wrong way to reply to your ex’s first text after no contact.
Unless you say something that offends your ex or makes you look desperate, your response shouldn’t make your ex lose additional respect for you. It can’t when you express yourself respectfully with purpose and self-love.
So reply in a way that reflects your best personality traits and shows that you’ve learned and improved. Your ex will notice your improvements and perhaps even think about them. The worse your ex feels, the more he or she will think about your growth and purpose.
Here are some examples of how you can reply to the first text after the no contact rule.
- Hi.
- Sup?
- I’m good. How are you?
- I haven’t seen it anywhere.
- Your password is XYZ.
- Hi. I’m good. Thanks.
- That would be great. Drop it off at my parents’ place, please.
- I don’t have your books anymore. Sorry.
- The dog is doing fine.
- I’m a bit busy this week, but I can take a look on Saturday.
As you can see, replying to your ex’s first text isn’t rocket science. Your anxious mind just makes it feel that way. The key is to stay calm, grounded, and true to yourself instead of reacting out of fear or desperation.
So whenever your ex breaks the no contact rule and messages you first, make sure you wait a few minutes to collect your thoughts. Once you feel calm and can think clearly, reply to your ex in a way that answers his or her message without starting or prolonging the conversation.
It’s important to avoid engaging further until you’re truly ready.
Your ex wants something from you
You need to remember that your ex’s first message always has a purpose. It might mean that your ex is feeling guilty and wants to apologize for mistreating you.
Or perhaps your ex just wants to check up on you and see how you’re coping with the breakup.
Whatever your ex’s goal is, give your ex what he or she needs. If your ex is trying to ease his or her guilt, help your ex release it. If your ex is seeking validation, offer a healthy and balanced amount.
Don’t shower your ex with needy comments, but do show that you’re in control and capable of helping.
Moreover, if your ex is asking for a favor and you’re comfortable helping, go ahead and assist him or her. Your ex is likely aware of the fact that you have more important things to focus on.
What your ex probably doesn’t realize is that feeling good around you could lead him or her to develop feelings for you again. Your ex just needs to let go of the negative associations and discover your romantic potential.
So don’t think that your ex will friendzone you or think less of you if you take your ex’s fears, anxiety, doubts, guilt, and bad feelings away. On the contrary, your ex will probably feel more positive feelings toward you and be happier around you.
And when he or she is happy, relaxed, and having a good time, chances are your ex will want to spend even more time with you.
What do I do when I get the first text from my ex?
Depending on what your ex says and does, you either do nothing or do something.
If your ex tells you that he or she enjoys your company, say that you enjoy his or her company too. Once you’ve said that, wait for your ex to take the next step.
Don’t make a fool of yourself by asking your ex out or confessing your feelings. It’s likely too soon for that unless your ex expresses a desire to reconcile or shows clear signs of wanting to take things further.
So wait and be patient.
When your ex wants to see you, talk to you, or do anything at all with you, your ex will bring it up him/herself. Your ex will either hint at it or say it directly, so there’s no need for you to play the guessing game. Not when your ex is decisive and knows what he or she wants.
However, if your ex reaches out for reasons that don’t concern you and doesn’t show any signs of interest, then you don’t have a choice but to go back to no contact. Think of your ex’s reach-out as meaningless breadcrumbs that will cause you more harm than good.
What if my ex never reaches out?
Consider yourself lucky if your ex never reaches out to you.
Sure, you may never reconcile with your ex, but your ex will nonetheless make your recovery easier for you. You’ll basically avoid receiving your ex’s breadcrumbs and asking yourself if your ex has any feelings left for you. Thanks to your ex, you’ll focus on yourself, your family, friends, and things that really matter.
So don’t be afraid of not hearing from your ex during no contact. Many dumpees would prefer not to get strung along by their ex if they could stop their ex from calling or texting them. They’d choose not to hear from their ex if it meant avoiding all the pain and confusion their ex has caused.
When your ex never reaches out and sends you the first text, you receive a golden opportunity to heal and recover without any false hope and anxiety.
You get stronger every day and realize that your life has improved as a result of the breakup.
So, if your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, husband, or wife never talks to you after the breakup, take it as a blessing and silently thank him or her for leaving you alone. You’ll be able to move on and connect with someone new much sooner because of the silence from your ex.
Are you planning to send your ex the first text after the no contact period, or will you do what’s best for you and wait for your ex to reach out first? Share your plans in the comments below.
However, if you have any questions or concerns regarding no contact, feel free to sign up for a coaching session with us.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hi, i had a short relationship with a man, he dumped me an i went to no contact, he text me 3 weeks later, it was just a link to a video about same breed dog that i own. No hi, no any other words just a link, i havent respond anything, i cant understand what are his intentions?
How i should react?
Best regards, Diana
me an my ex have diff situation her family was the reason of bein in relation for 5 month even I knew her from 4 years our relation was like good at the first 3 month then like hell in the las 2 month
it end with needy from my side then then I’ve done the NC for 1 month
I try to call her after 48 days of no contact but she didn’t answer for greeting her birthday
what should I do she blocked me on day 30 on social media
What if he has deleted my number? We were in contact for months after the break up, he kept asking me for sex and I refused. The last conversation we had, he asked me to come over and take care of him because he was hungover. Since I knew it would only lead to sex I refused. Then a few weeks later I found out that he had deleted my phone number. So how is he gonna contact me if he ever has change of heart?
He’s already shown you complete disrespect by only contacting you for sex – drunk or not. He won’t have a change of heart. If he goes through his AT&T records or whatever he needs to do to contact you again, it’ll just be to string you along ’cause nothing better has come his way. Lose this guy. Respect yourself.
I agree with the previous statement. You deserve much better treatment than this.
Hello,
Me and my ex were on a break since March. In our relationship, both of used to be together 24/7 and we had become very close. So much that we both couldn’t focus on other things. We used to get upset when the other person did not want to spend time. Also he started having withdrawal symptoms after he left smoking but I was there to support him in all those months. In March, he just started pushing me away completely. His reason to go on a break was that he could not handle his feelings. After that he saw a counselor and went on depression meds. I messaged him a couple of times where he told me that his counselor made him realize he has low self esteem and fear of rejection and it is for mine and his good that we break up and don’t get into a relationship. We have holidays and I won’t be seeing him before July or August. It’s been 30 days since I have heard from him. He has deleted my number and had asked me to move on when we spoke the last time. But earlier he had also said that he was thinking about me. I was planning to check on him after a few days and maybe let him know that I still think about him. He is very shy and reserved and will not tell anyone about his state and I was the the closest to him. I know we can’t get back together so soon because of his state but I think he should know that my feelings are still there and that he can talk to me and come back if he wants. I just don’t want to be the person that influences him to do this. I think it might take him months to even realize about his feelings but till then he will think I have moved on and not contact me. That’s why I feel I should find out what he is thinking. I just want to start again as friends and then see if we can be together again, I don’t want to rush.
He texted me a few days back but he kept the conversation very short. He asked me what I have been upto and I was honest – told him I had started baking. He was glad that I was doing something and said he had texted me only to say hi and check how I was doing. After that he ended the conversation. It left me confused even though I was doing better after not contacting him for 2-3 months. Now I am thinking of talking to him again as friends and maybe trying to figure out what is it that he wants. Because the time during no contact gave me enough time to think about my wants and expectations from a relationship.
Thanks for the great an useful information. My ex texted me last week after 40 days of no contact. She cumplimented me on my new profile picture, said I looked nice with my new haircut and left it at that. I thanked her and that was it. Coming from someone like her, that is kind of a huge effort, I reckon. I went into no contact again, but wonder if I should text her next
Definitely don’t! Have you heard from her since?
Great article, so detailed and empowering.
I dated guy for a month and suddenly he left to his country . He msg me night before he travelled apologising that he didn’t contact me for 2 days . I replied to him if everything is okay and wished him safe travels. It has been more then 2 weeks of no contact . Shall I msg him and ask him how is he ??
Thanks
The problem is that he told me not to call or text him after becoming frustrated by my inability to see him as much as he would like. I tried texting him first to apologize but when I didnt receive a response, I sent some not so nice texts to him, which I now regret. He has blocked me on social media as well as phone calls or texts, which he has never done before. On the rare occasion that we ever had an argument, it was always me who would contact him after a few days and he would reply within seconds. It has now been 30 days of no contact and I have heard nothing from him. I’m heartbroken and dont know what to do. I have no clue if he is seeing anyone else and I am literally sick to my stomach because I really want to hear from him. I’m afraid that he has cut me off because he doesnt want to be sucked back into a relationship that was not meeting his needs in regard to spending enough time together.
I can understand how you must be feeling. I’m in a same situation where my ex blocked me off everywhere. The last time I reached out, she said she does not even want to think of me and hung up the call. She started pushing me away around March and broke things off in April. I’ve never been able to do this no contact religiously. The maximum that I have gone is 15 days only. But I have decided not to contact her anymore, atleast for my own sanity.
Did your ex reach out to you after that?
I just really love my ex girlfriend. We have been together for 3 years, she clearly loves me and still tells me. We had been on and off for a while even though we loved each other and still enjoyed being together things just kept breaking us apart but finally I ignited the break up and at first we agreed to work on ourselves and not talk to anyone else but then i kind of had a rebound after the “break up” and wasn’t really responding to my girlfriend or being dry with her while she wanted to fix the problem but i was busy with my rebound that I saw the true colors of the girl I was now talking too and realized she wasn’t my EX, went back to my ex and she seemed ready to work it out that night but I acted like the toxic me and hurt her feelings again that night while at her house (broken up but not talking to anyone) I texted her that night acting on impulse saying do we just need to cut off the connection and really be broken up and not tied down to anything and it took her forever but she finally braved herself to do it and instantly I realized I made a mistake and the world came down crashing on me and i cried and cried and begged her that i would promise to be better and she said “it doesn’t happen in a day” and she just kept saying we just need to do this and if we ever come back to each other in the future then it was meant to be but she keeps claiming she wants me to be a better version of myself and that she needs space to work on herself and that i don’t need to just change for her but for me as well. We hung out the day after all that and i cried and she held me and hugged me and we kissed good bye but the 3rd day was the hardest cuz her family called me while I was drunk and i let all my emotions and anger out but they still messaged me the next day after all of that. I just went through a bad thing yesterday my coach died and i have been sobbing and grieving and she came right to my messages to talk to me and claimed she’s only there to be there for me and that i shouldn’t get ahead of myself or talk about the relationship. Yesterday was a fun time talking to her and i really missed that and we talked about our old photos and all the past stuff we did and how we met. She also got kind of upset yesterday because I was talking respectfully and being generous and caring and she said “this sounds fake and not like you. you’re not going to change in one day” but as night came around we were agreeing that we would take space and that we will talk again soon when everything clears and that she loves me and that i love her and i said I’ll never hurt you again and she responded “if we ever get back together I’ll trust you that that won’t happen again” and I said thank you for that I love you, I’ll talk to you whenever the wind blows back. And she loved the message and that was it. What do I do now?
Hi Zan!!
I did all the mistakes in the book. I even accepted friendship to not lose her from my life. Friendship or not anyway the outcome is the same. It has to be their idea. Anyway if an ex sends happy birthday should i wish her on her birthday or not?
Hi Beki.
It’s okay. What’s done is done. You didn’t know that you must leave your dumper alone.
Feel free to wish her for her birthday if she wished you for yours.
Stay strong,
Zan
So my ex left me for his ex. He and I where together for 2,5 years. We talked used to talk every day. We were not officially together anymore, but we we still dated. I think to be together at a later point. A few weeks before the incident he told me he still had feelings for me. When he told me he bumped in to his ex and they kissed. I got angry and haven’t spoken to him. She also has a boyfriend and I doubt that she told him about the kiss.
I’m currently applying the no contact rule/ silene, because I understand that I need to heal. But it is really hard. I miss him so much. I has been 16 days since we spoke about what happend and had contact. I do stalk his and his ex page. His ex is very vocal about her current emotions on social media. But I will stop with that from today on. Because I can’t eat or concentrate on important tasks.
Yesterday I dreamed that he send me a message and that she did not like that and when I woke up he did. I checked her page and she was vocal. He apologized for what happend and for hurting me and making me cry. I did not answer yet, because I feel confused. Should I respond now or wait until the no contact is over? I feel like am not ready to contact him. I still feel anger and disgust when I think about it. Do I ignore him or respond with something simple?
Hi Esperanza.
Responding to an ex is always the polite thing to do.
Go back to no contact afterward though. Don’t engage in pointless conversations.
Best regards,
Zan
My ex nar and I were together for 5 years after 2 he started cheating on me I could never really catch him tho he never did anything for me he came home to a clean house and dinner on the table, I stopped having sex with him for a long time except once in a while, one day last summer he told me I was going to push him to someone else I told him to have at it, well he did within just a few mths and I caught him with his own cousin and I put him out the next day, now on Facebook they are posting that they are in love and getting married,also what his family never told me was he was also a registered sex offender for having sex with his 15 yr old cousin and getting her pregnant he was 39 OMG ripped my heart out, I’m a emotional wreck but in love with him.I sent him a text after 45 days NC only because of his mail I already had his new address, and asked if he wanted me mail it there,his text back was his address and that’s all.
My boyfriend and I were in a casual relationship for over 6 months and I knew him for 9 months. We were exclusive and his family sent me gifts and everything. My bf even referred to us as a “couple”. But, he would do this get close and then push away, much like an fearful avoidant. Here is the kicker. He said “I love you so much” which caught me off guard because I knew he didn’t want hot and heavy. However, a few days later when I reciprocated the “I love You” he said it sounded like I was “In Love”. To which I replied, yes I have feelings. He said he didn’t feel the same. He said we were just having fun and said “thank you for your honesty”. He said we are completely compatible and he just didn’t feel the in-love part and said he has never felt the in love feeling with anyone. Then, of course I apologized for ruining our relationship by catching feelings. But I felt I could share my feelings because he said it first multiple times with intensity. Our relationship was intense and fast and we had common goals, values, and interests. I tried the no-contact but I was only able to make it ten days of no contact and we have been broken up for a month. I broke no contact this week as I wanted to wish him a happy birthday. He responded and we had a few text messages back and forth for about a week, on and off again every few days. I’m the one initiating communications though. *My question is, if he is always pushing and pulling will he come back to me? If he is fearful avoidant wouldn’t this reinforce his fears that I’ll abandon him? I need advice on what to do from here to re-attract him to a relationship? He said I didn’t ruin anything because we were only hanging out, but his family wanted to meet me, they sent me gifts, and he referred to us as a couple. He spent every weekend at my house (this was not a FWB relationship). Or, if I step back and say, yes this was a casual relationship how do I re-attract him? Does no-contact still apply? And, I already broke no-contact? Now what? Thank you!
Omg ! I’m in the same situation!
9 months relationship, all good. Then I confesed I started catching feelings for him, he was surprised!
In the relationship he use to present me as his girlfriend.
He was honest and told me he wanted to keep seeing me…but I didn’t accept the deal, I can’t be a mistress I’m always the main women, so I left ….
After this we kept testing each other, no love from him until one day he told me he was too busy and will call me, but let him alone for s few days. I didn’t reply to his message, this was 5 days ago and doing no contact 100%
Thus is actually the way I am, and I know they aaaaaalways come back.
I’m very stubborn, but I’m also dying to know about him 😖
This man is the one, I really hope he comes back.
I’m 34 single mom of 2, he is 44 single father of 1.
Should I reach out to my ex if he suffers from erection problem and low self esteem? I want to get back with him but he doubted it. Our last conversation was he sent me a message out of the blue to be friends and meet for coffee at some point. I said ok but After that, he disappeared.
I am in 83 days no contact. My ex reached out 31 days after I ghosted his narcissistic self. I didn’t respond to it. I have received fake Facebook/messenger fake friend request, calls from weird numbers and when I answer, not a word and then I call back it’s a “non working” number. He was triangulating me and was about to discard me, but, I showed him what Gone In Sixty Seconds really looks like. I am a child abuse, domestic violence, and cancer survivor. Playing the tik tok doc with these toxic people is not on my schedule. I buried my narc mother six months ago, and playing footsies with a narc is not healthy. When you leave these toxic people, LEAVE ALL COMMUNICATION. They are only reaching back to see if they can collect fuel from you, get back with you because the new supply(s) didn’t pan out and they are desperately seeking a re-up. Trust when they start that song and dance of trying to reach back it is only to hurt you worse. It is about to start getting cold now and don NOT be surprised if exes start coming out of the wood works. There will be calls, texts, emails, letters, pop ups, third party contact, Facebook requests, messenger messages, and all kinds of foolery when dealing with the breadcrumb stage. To all those who were discarded by a narcissist, be glad. Focus on healing and moving on. Cutting them off and ignoring their advances will only save you time and heartache. To those like myself who have no problem ghosting toxic people: Cheers! We made the cut and dipped out.
Hi again, themsmith77.
It sounds to me like you’ve made up your mind. Keep healing and improving from here onwards.
I wish you the best of luck!
Best,
Zan
Hi Zan,
My ex reached out after 3 months of no contact to say she misses me and that our relationship is what she needed in her life at that time. I responded back in kind without getting sappy. She said she would like to reconnect in the near future (we now live in different states). Now, there has been no contact again for about 3 weeks since that text exchange. I want to reach out now since she initiated, but unsure if it is wise. Any suggestions?
Hi K.
You can probably talk to her.
Just don’t mention the breakup or getting back together. It has to be her idea.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thank you for anothet helpful article..
Thank you for reading!
I did the no contact crap, and i regret it. I messaged my ex, and her reply was ” thanks, just want to say that it wasnt cool for you to ignore my messages for a month”
I dont know what to do or say. Although she messaged me once by the way. She broke up with me, why does she think she has the right to be snarky?
Hi Beth.
I don’t advocate ignoring the dumper.
If she broke up with you and didn’t say anything to you for a month, you had no reason to break the no contact rule after a certain period of time.
You should have kept healing and improving yourself.
And if she messaged you after a week or two for example, replying to her was the polite thing to do.
I think that you followed somebody’s advice to ignore an ex and it backfired when you reached out.
Taking this into account, provided she still talks to you, do the right thing and tell her that you didn’t know what to say to her.
Best of luck,
Zan
Thank you for all your articles. They’ve been very helpful to me.
I especially appreciate your focus on behaving decently. I’m almost at three months since she moved out and I went into no contact and at times I feel anger towards her, but your reminders help me to stay true to my values and forgive.
She lived with me three months past the breakup and anxiety got the best of me the first 5 weeks or so and I acted irrationally but then I pulled myself together. She thanked me for taking the breakup well on the day she moved out. I can at least say I gained back some respect and acted in a way that I can be proud of after doing some things I wasn’t so proud of.
Keep up the good work.
Hi Trevor.
Anger is part of the process of letting go of an ex. So don’t think that you’re bad for fighting for yourself. Keep forgiving yourself and your ex for what’s happened and you’ll grow into an amazing person!
Your mistakes won’t define you when you outgrow them.
Thank you for commenting,
Zan
My ex did reach out. She used a “breadcrumb” tactic. I was in shock. I was so anxious and fearful that I could have easily gotten sick.
I didn’t rush to respond. I did respond in a kind manner. I am not sure if I conveyed confidence. I just know I did not beg or plead or negotiate.
The conversation was short. It did end with my ex making a comment that I interpreted as very unkind. I did not retaliate. I want to be able to live with myself. I don’t ever want my final words to anyone be regarded as cruel or unkind to the best of my ability. I cannot control that interpretation, but I am aware of my emotions behind my response.
Her text did hurt me. It definitely reopened the wound. I’m not fully healed from the break-up. Her reaching out made me fully aware of the work I still need to do.
I at least know of my current state. Where this event did hurt me, I feel a bit better with this possible conclusive communication.
Hi J.
An ex causing anxiety can last even months or years after the breakup. The best action for you to take is to work on disassociating your ex from emotional pain.
Keep getting stronger and moving on, J. You’ve got this.
Best regards,
Zan
I agree on everything you wrote here.
I think the only thing that was missing was:
If she/ he keeps sending bredcrumbs, then the dumpee should “man up” and actually reject the dumper, by asking either for clear communication or just ask for space.
The dumpee does not need to be dragged along longer than necessary.
I did it. And it helped med more than I can imagine. In this way I may have risked loosing her by “forcing” an answer out of her, but I gained my self respect.
Thank you for the article 💪🏼👍❤️
Hi again, SCV-rush.
You’re absolutely right!
Rejecting the dumper’s breadcrumbs is crucial to the dumpee’s well-being. And from my observations, it doesn’t even hurt your chances. It only helps you recover.
I had mentioned it in previous articles and will definitely include it more often from now on.
Thanks for the reminder!
Zan
the last part is not clear.. u mean to say if no contact from ex’s side is there, then i should forget about his comning back to me ever?? means end of the relation??
Hi Piyali.
What part is confusing you?
If you mean whether you should forget about your ex if he doesn’t contact you, then yes.
You should forget about him if he doesn’t initiate contact with you.
Best,
Zan
Hello Piyali,
Zan has provided a good reply.
I just read your response. I felt bad to read your final questions as they appear to be from a perspective of hurt.
Only your ex can determine if they will return. Please keep in mind that it was your ex who decided to reject you. The relationship has already come to an end. I’m sorry if that hurts to read. I really am.
I hope that you keep working on yourself. You’ll want to as it will prepare you in case your ex does reach out. Don’t fall for ex-back programs that give specific timelines. It just isn’t healthy or realistic.
The articles from this site can provide a great deal of comfort and hope. Hope you keep reading them.
Hello,
My ex broke up with me after 2,5 year relationship which was long-distance for the last 3 months(we’re 23). He said it was due to the distance and loss of emotional connection. However, even with the distance we would be able to see each other once or twice a month.
After the break up I went into NC and he texted me the following 3 days with small talk without mentioning the break up and spoke like everything is fine but without the emojis and sweet talk. He did the same 5 days later even asking about my family but again it was a short conversation.
It’s been a month since then and I never initiated contact.
I wonder what those texts meant and what my next move should be.
Thanks