It’s mysteriously eerie that exes come back when you moved on and possibly don’t want them back anymore.
When they come back, starved and eager for validation, you will have likely gone through the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumpee already and feel very relieved your mental suffering is finally over.
Your brain will be telling you to step away from that which caused you emotional anguish and advise you to prepare for better opportunities.
No longer will you be obsessed with the past relationship that doesn’t serve you positively in any way, shape or form.
Instead, you will become strongly reliant on yourself for your own happiness, and not on your ex.
In this article, we’ll talk about exes coming back when you’ve moved on.
If you choose to move on, your ex will become a thing from the past. He or she will no longer plague your anxious mind and burden you with unnecessary ex-back obsession.
You will instead become happy with just yourself and the life you’ve managed to create since the breakup.
Provided you truly worked on yourself and did some proper soul-searching, your ex coming back to you after you’ve moved on will have felt like rebuilding a broken wooden bridge.
You will know you must rebuild the foundation with your ex from scratch and replace it with new healthy habits.
If your ex comes back, you will also hope that his or her skills and the determination to make your relationship work last longer than last time.
These are all unnecessary worries caused by doubt and a lack of security caused by the breakup.
Since people learn from their past mistakes and their unfortunate traumatic experiences, you could become excessively anxious about your ex’s true intentions.
High levels of uncertainty could torment your mind like the bubonic plague. That’s why it’s very important you put your detective hat on and get down to the bottom of your ex’s return.
The first thing you need to ask yourself is, “Has my ex come back when I moved on because he or she experienced immense grief?”
Once you’ve identified that your ex hasn’t had his or her heart broken or hasn’t come back for the wrong reasons, it’s time you do even more research.
Ask yourself, “Has my ex come back because he or she truly wants to make the relationship work? What has changed since the breakup?“
It’s time for you to dig deeper and find out what your ex really wants.
You really don’t want your ex to come back when you’ve finally moved on (or haven’t yet) and steal your happiness. Your ex could leave again the moment you give it to him or her, so don’t take this step lightly!
When do exes come back?
The time it takes to get over a breakup is the time when exes come back. Since we all process breakups differently, it takes some people longer than others.
Now, we’re not saying that exes come back when you moved on and only because of that.
Far from that.
Exes come back when you moved on, no longer care about them, live an independent, happy life and can’t care less if they are alone or with someone else.
This is such a strong state of mind to be in. It basically means you’re attracting your ex back with the law of attraction.
If you really think about it, all genuine ex-back guides are based on LOA – law of attraction. This law states that you attract people, things or exes when you have moved on from them.
The reason why LOA works so well is that you’re no longer desperate for whatever it is you wish to attract.
Your very soul doesn’t crave your ex like he or she is the only thing that matters in your life. Instead, it permits everyone and everything to go their own way.
This applies to your ex as well.
He or she wishes to be free and independent, so you must provide your ex with freedom.
By doing so, you will subconsciously tell your ex that you want him or her to be happy and independent.
When you do that, you begin to heal and so does your ex.
When I say your ex begins to heal, I don’t mean that he or she sits at home and cries all day. You may be doing that, but not your ex.
Your ex heals by exploring the world and absorbing life lessons in any possible way.
I know it may be hard for you to allow your ex to be free so here’s a little something to remember when you’re struggling.
Please remember that whichever path your ex chooses to go on is not your concern. And whatever action he or she takes, you cannot change.
The most you can do to anyone in your life regardless of their status is to influence them. Changing people is not and never has been in your and any person’s control.
So if you want to make your ex happy, allow him or her to roam freely. You are promoting freedom and independence, after all.
That’s why the law of allowing is so powerful when it comes to getting your ex back the right way.
You sincerely allow your ex to do as he or she wishes—even if it’s not what you want.
Exes shouldn’t come back if you haven’t moved on!
First of all, I want you to know that I’m on your side with your breakup. I honestly wish everyone could get their ex back and keep them too!
But unfortunately, there are a few underlying obstacles when it comes to exes coming back when dumpees haven’t moved on.
Here’s what they are:
- neediness
- insecurities
- fear of another abandonment
- overattachment due to a recent abandonment
- over-perfectionism and eagerness to make it work
- overanalyzing dumpees’ every word and actions as well as their exes’
These are the most common issues dumpees face when their exes come back and they haven’t moved on properly.
That’s why I can’t emphasize the importance of moving on enough.
You have to start moving on from the day of the breakup till your ex comes back and wants you back— and not a second before.
When your ex finally comes back, you should make him or her work really hard at regaining your trust, love, and respect.
This person already broke up with you once. You will not believe how easy it is to pull the trigger the second time.
To avoid another breakup, you have to show your ex that you won’t accept him or her back again the third time.
Once you’ve done that, make some new relationship rules and let your ex hear everything that bothers you.
When you move on and your ex comes back, you regain the power and control in the relationship.
So don’t hand it over to your ex again or you will be taken advantage of very quickly.
Why do ex-girlfriends come back when you moved on?
The only reason why anyone comes back into your life again when you moved on from them is because you are happy and they are not.
This is the most simplified, yet the most truthful reason I can put down in one sentence.
That’s why I reiterate.
Ex-girlfriends come back when you moved on because they are unhappy and you are glowing the like brightest star in our solar system.
If you consider the fact that people are creatures of habits and needs, you will quickly come to an important realization.
People say and do things that make us feel happy or happier. Anything and everything we do, subconsciously demands a reaction.
This primal validation is what gives meaning to our existence.
Ex-girlfriends are no exception. Exes come back when you moved on to help themselves in whichever way they can.
If they are feeling sad, they seek your attention to make themselves healthy and alive again.
If they are simply bored, they come back for your attention so they can do something with their spare time.
And when exes ask you for advice, opinion or favor, they do so to attain knowledge or special services only you can provide for them.
I hope you understand why people act the way they do now.
My ex-girlfriend is texting me
Everything an ex-girlfriend does is in correlation with the cause and effect.
When your ex-girlfriend texts you, she, in essence, wishes to obtain something from you. It could be to assuage guilt, request forgiveness, obtain validation, respect and entertainment or something along this path.
If you’re wondering, “Why is my ex-girlfriend texting me” I hope you are able to figure it out from the above-mentioned reasons.
Neither I nor anyone else can tell you the exact reason without knowing your situation.
I can, however, tell you that by texting you, your ex-girlfriend wishes to obtain something from you—and that something is up to you to figure out.
If she asks for a favor, she’s texting you to “use” you. When she’s innocently reaching out to you, she’s probably trying to figure out if you hate her and stopped caring about her.
It’s basically a breadcrumb.
From a psychological point of view, everything happens for a reason—even breakups. Something goes wrong and the breakup occurs.
That’s why it’s now up to you to take a step back and figure out what went wrong.
Take my advice and do your best to change the parts of your life you wish to improve.
Why do ex-boyfriends come back when you moved on?
Ex-boyfriends come back when you moved on because they are away from you and things get tough for them. They come back desperate for love and attention to love and be loved.
Love is a very selfish feeling. If you examine its true meaning, you will soon come to a realization that it’s nothing but a desire to receive love.
It makes us feel good to receive attention from our special someone and it hurts when we don’t.
Based on this ideology, we can conclude that human beings seek love to feel good about themselves. And the same applies to your ex-boyfriend.
He comes back when you moved on so he can once again feel good about himself and his existence.
I’m aware that some people may not agree with this concept and insist on love being selfless.
They believe they truly love the person for the way he or she is. I get that, I really do.
I love my romantic partner because of her good qualities too! That doesn’t, however, mean that I don’t feel invigorated, stronger and good about myself when I receive recognition from her.
When I receive love from my partner, I feel worthy of her love and acknowledgment to be her equal partner.
Love is a powerful bonding emotion that brings us closer together.
When we are in love, feelings of happiness are further enhanced with hormones—endorphins released in our brains. Some describe this euphoric feeling similar to morphine—a drug.
This drug essentially makes us incredibly dependent on it whilst we are in a relationship with our loved one. Oxytocin consistently numbs our pain receptors and increases our overall happiness.
When we get broken up with, however, we crave this hormone and suffer from relapse due to the lack of it.
Understanding breakup dynamics
Breakups are not relationships. They are breakups. Although I don’t claim to be wiser than certified professionals, such as doctors and therapists, families with invaluable life experiences and loyal friends, I do think that following their advice will often cultivate bad results.
If relationships are based on love and respect, then we could say that breakups work on push-pull dynamics.
When you are in no contact and in the process of moving on, your ex will be given enough time to process his or her feelings.
As a result, the space between you and the breakup could pull your ex toward you.
But for this to happen, your ex has to go through certain breakup stages first. And when he or she goes through those stages, the time will be right for him or her to make a move.
The time is normally right once your ex:
- Forgets about you
- Experiences life without you
- Dates and falls in love
- Goes through the same or similar experience as you
- Regrets and/or suffers as a result
Everyone processes grief differently, but not so much differently that he or she can avoid it altogether. Right now, your ex can avoid your breakup grief by doing various post-breakup activities that keep him or her busy.
Normally, partying and spending time with friends does the trick.
If you consider the fact that dumpers don’t experience grief right after the breakup, you will understand why it’s so easy for them to stay away from you.
Whilst you’re fighting an onslaught of negative emotions that force you to fall into depression, your ex is empowered with relief and anger.
Anger is a very powerful self-defense mechanism. It may not be the healthiest, but it definitely isn’t “that bad” in comparison with depression.
Just because your ex skipped the grieving stage right after the breakup, doesn’t mean that he or she will skip future phases of grief when he or she experiences difficulties.
What I mean by that is that when the time is right, your ex will reach the stage of neutrality.
And once he or she gets there, it means your ex will enter a state of vulnerability.
Your ex will be neither happy nor sad when he or she gets there. Your ex will merely be put in a mental state where pain and grief are once again possible to experience.
Example of neutrality
Consider it this way. You win a big sum of money and you feel unbelievably ecstatic.
You aren’t sure whether you should buy a house first or to celebrate. Because you have so much money, it keeps you happy, well-fed and everything money can provide.
As time goes on, though, the money you won starts losing its value. You don’t necessarily run out of it, but merely stop feeling excited about it.
You know you have plenty so it makes you slightly less happy whenever you spend it. And as you keep spending it each and every day, you also stop feeling the initial highs you did when you first obtained it.
Eventually, this feeling stops altogether. Just how you don’t necessarily feel overly excited when you buy your favorite cereal, the same can be said about having big sums of money.
And just how being rich stops making you feel great about spending money, the same thing will happen to your ex’s initial happiness and excitement to be single or in a rebound relationship.
Everything emotionally gratifyingly always comes to an end. I don’t wish to sound pessimistic, but it’s true!
It’s emotionally impossible to stay ecstatically excited about something forever.
And even if you magically do, human beings take it for granted. It’s unfortunate, but that’s the ugly truth about the neutrality stage in the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper.
Earl Nightingale describes happiness in his book called Lead the field very similarly.
He says “success is the progressive realization of a worthy ideal” (goal). To summarize his words, Earl defines happiness in life as a progressive state.
This means that without continuous improvements, adjustments and new goals, life becomes dull and stagnant.
People need goals to be happy and so does your ex. If your ex seems happy now because of the end of the relationship, try not to worry or take it too personally.
When the time is right, he or she is going to need to rely on something better for his or her happiness.
Let’s recap.
Why do exes come back when you moved on?
Exes come back because:
- You’re happy
- Didn’t lose value
- Improved as a person
- Allowed space and time to pull you together
- Your ex’s initial highs ran off
- Your ex experienced difficulties
- He or she wants to take your happiness from you in any way possible.
If you are in no contact, follow the rules of no contact down to the T.
Memorize them, print them out if you have to. Do whatever you must to keep yourself on your path to success.
Not only will doing so maximize your chances of reconciliation, but it will also make you into a stronger, wiser and healthier individual.
Do you agree that exes come back when you moved on and no longer care? I’d love to hear what you have to say about that so please comment below this article.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
My daughters mother wanted me back around 12 months after she ended it and we moved to separate houses. She ended it after 11 years as she no longer loved me. I was devastated and always thought I’d do anything to have her back.
But within these 12 months I had got over her and healed from the breakup and had just started dating someone better who she didn’t yet know about.
She begged me back, saying she didn’t know why she ended it, but she had only just realised that she had made a mistake and was missing me, and remembered I was a nice person (must have forgot all the postbreak up arguments)
It was too late for her though, I didn’t feel the same and I didn’t feel attracted to her anymore…… In the beginning I never thought i would have said no to her or felt that I didn’t love her. She told to let her know if I ever change my mind….. Even if its years down the line….. 7 years later….. I still wouldn’t go back to her. You always find someone better.
It is the great blog post.It is the helfpul and informative blog .I am always read your blog . I like it thanks for sharing this information with us .
It is the great blog post.It is the helfpul and informative blog .I am always read your blog . I like it thanks for sharing this information with us .
Would like to be anonymous here..
I broke up with my ex 2nd time around 50 days ago, since we had a lot of excitement but no stability in our relationship. There was no guarantee that we would get married since my side of the family hated him. So i had to make this decision. Soon after that i found out he rebounded with another girl in less than 1week of our breakup.. i was devastated as he was my first love, and i couldn’t bare to watch him move on that fast with another girl. That girl agreed to marry him and he took her to his family. Things were going great for him, while i was managing my depression, panic attacks and was suffering alone with an emotional storm. But as time went by, i learnt myself to except that we broke up for a reason and began to move on. Both of us went into no contact. I started to feel grateful for what i had decided for myself and was also happy for his life. Just a week ago, i received a call at 3am in the morning, waking up to my ex’s crying voice saying he missed me like mad. He said he’s no more happy as how he used to be when he was with me. He was begging me for a second chance but i refused. Because my mindset was just so strong that if he really was my soulmate, he wouldn’t have triggered such insecure feelings in the first place… That let to our breakup. It’s better moving forward and finding better opportunities rather than clinging to your past, as it won’t get you anywhere. And plus i can’t see him as hw i previously did after what had happened. I don’t want to face another vicious cycle of breakup.
Hi I think my ex broke up with me he said i deserve better and not spoke to me in a week I’ve not spoke either but he continues to contact my adult child,
I’ve know him for 9 years and hes broke up with me 3 times now due to cheating but this time no cheating
Will he come back why talk to my child shes not his previously break up he has not done so
Dear Zan
Thanks for your posts, this article seems to have concluded every thoughts and struggles for a breakup for both the dumper and dumpee from my personal experiences. Thank you for sharing such insights.
I got dumped for some “stupid and not sensible” reasons from my ex with whom I dated for a year. We both have similar life and love experiences being late 30’s and early 40’s, so we both thought this is it.
But after first few months I felt distanced from him until he gave me some excuses for a breakup – bad immune system to constantly make him sick so we couldn’t have sex… and he wanted me to be happy…
I moved out two weeks after he broke up with me, however he has been texting everyday, called and “forced” me to visit him after two weeks apart as he was missing me and wanted my attention and love… he said repeatedly the break up is because of his physical condition but I refuse to believe that is the truth, after another week of constant contact, he got me staying with him during this coronavirus quarantine at his place, we were back like a happy couple again and we were having sex like there was no problem with him at all… however, fearing being dumped again like you said, the trust is gone due to the breakup, I looked into his phone, found flirty messages during our apart time from him to his ex girlfriends in other countries, not knowing if any nearby… my insecurity, distrust and fear of being treated as a doormat made me asked what he sees us, he said he hasn’t thought much just go with the flow, I argued and yelled.. he begged for me to stay and said he talked to one of the ex… but I left angrily…
He later guessed what I saw and said he was joking with the other ex, and was disappointed I didn’t ask him directly but misjudged his behaviour. I said I didn’t want to be ambiguous because this will then make me feel insecure.
We left it like this, I don’t know if his come back the first time was genuine, like you said he might be bored, fear of being lonely in this quarantine time, and wanted to take advantage of me, or making me a side chick while he explores with no restriction of a relationship entitlement… could be all of those reasons, but I somehow feel I need to remove myself from this situation. However I want us to be happy again… the right way.
What would you suggest the right way forward – to move on completely and see how things go?
new reader… i really like and agree with what you write especially when you say “Provided you truly worked on yourself and did some proper soul-searching, your ex coming back to you after you’ve moved on will have felt like rebuilding a broken wooden bridge.” i’m confusing now because i have long distance relationship without meet on june 2016 – may 2018 we broke up cause suddenly he uploads a picture and in a relationship on his account FB and unfriend me even he never did it when he was with me, he was trying to contact me as he told me about something happens in his life, family but i respond him so short sometimes, mostly i don’t reply or pickup his call and 4 days ago he ask me busy or not and send me a flight ticket that he was booked,
basically, he never came compilation he promised to come on birthdays and other promises, and we haven’t met until now and we’ve broken up for over a year and now he suddenly sent me a ticket. i don’t know how i should to react, feel or act, thank you Zan
Hi Zan,
I hope all is going well. I really need advice please. Monday my ex contacted me after a whole year of no contact and asked me to go and grab a coffee with him. On which I first declined the offer.
During our 2 year relationship he dumped me many times. The last time I was done for good. Then I somehow had no choice and tried my best last year to put myself together figure everything out and met a few people and this one guy and I started to see each other spent time together and we are happy. Sometimes though I did feel sad still. . But way better than last Year January. Now all of a sudden after I went for the coffee with my ex after a whole year has past with no contact I feel sad and feel like my heart haven’t been healed completely. He told me He still loves me and wants me back. He even tried to kiss me. I simply turned my head because he knows I am seeing someone. This new guy is sooooo good to me promise. We had our fights to be honest. But he treats me well. But I can’t say I love him I have tried a few times but can’t seem to manage. Please give me advice. I just can’t deal with a heartbreak again 😕
First question you should consider is why you are with your current guy if you don’t love him? He may treat you well and look after you and be a great guy but love is the essence. Whatever happens you owe it to yourself not to accept second best. Love is so important and that connection is everything.
Do what you feel is right, it’s your life and only you know how you feel. If you wanted to give your original ex a go of it because of your feelings for him do it. But,……. do your homework, try and be honest and set out the right way to do things.
Meeting someone who you connect with and have natural love is so hard. Just because it failed initially doesn’t always mean you should just dump it if given the chance to give another go. Sometimes love finds a way and is worth fighting for.
I believe that you are correct. Exes come back because they want something from you that they do not have. I broke up with my high school sweetheart on 1977. It wasn’t easy for me at the time. We were young and have a steamy relationship. He were having sex when no one else was. Wanted some time off for other friend and that and other matters led to the breakup. At the time, I quit college and started working but eventually surpassed the emotions, completed college and returned home. Months later I met this woman. She was decided to enhance her career by going into law school. She made a lawyer out of me. She moved me to pursue higher education. We got married by the end of the first semester on the third year of law school. We both graduated the next year, passed the bar, were admitted on the same day and started a family five years later. We had a boy and a girl. Seventeen years later I donated to her one of my kidneys. She passed away thirteen years after that on June, 2019. What a wonderful ride! We had it all and gave our son and daughter all there is to be given, emotionally and financially. They are both professionals. Not a single penny in student loans. Shopping vacations to New York twice a year plus a trip to Europe. Great house and expensive cars. We were what we were because of her and for that, I loved her madly.
Now, few weeks ago, I got a call from my high school ex. She is now divorced. I was and still are confused about her pretensions and intentions. Although we had a beautiful “first love” story, we both moved on. I never spoke to her during my years of marriage or in the past 35 years. I know we know each other well, but I am distrustful of the motives behind her call and conclude that if it wasn’t right back then, for whatever reason it is not going to turn right this time. I also sensed that she needed something that she believes I can give her. What exactly it is, I am not quite sure but I am sure that the reason are included in the list provided in your article under “example of neutrality” and under “Why Exes Come Back”
Hi F. Valderrabano.
It’s very likely that your high school ex came back into the picture for a reason.
That’s why I’d be very careful about her intentions if I were you.
Best,
Zan
Me and my ex-girlfriend broke up 2 months ago.The situation is a bit different,in my opinion,so I will narrate a bit.The magic between us happened 1 year ago.We did not see each other in the past,it was the first time when we saw.We did not fall in love from the first day,but somehow we liked each other.That was also,my first relationship and I was a bit clumsy and nervous sometimes and I did not know pretty well how to behave around her.After 4 days spent at the sea we needed to go back at our homes.The problem was the distance between our cities,around 60 km,and we could not see each other face to face every day,so we started communicate via internet(and sometimes video calls).From September to December,we were close and in love(surely I was).In this months I also made the big step to tell her that I love her throw a vocal message.She was started crying and she sent me a picture and after some minutes she called me.At some point,I tried to surprise her by visiting,but I had the bad luck that she was in another city,but later I told her my intention.Before Christmas,I tried again to visit her,but this time I had to ask her if she is in the city,but she told me something like ,,You do not have to do something like that because you are a boy too good for me…” and I was totally shocked.In the past,girls refused me being said that they do not like me,but this phrase ,,you are a boy too good for me” just splitted my mind.I thought that I made something wrong,so I tried to apology.Anyway,in the next six months we kept talking rarely and sometimes she was more likely to talk.At the beginning of the summer she was promising me that we will surely meet this summer and I was very happy.In the middle of the summer I asked her when we will meet,but she told me that she has some financial problem in family and she will need to work.I was totally emotioned about that,so like a brave soldier,I started to study for the exam which will be next year,because after that obstacle I thought that we will be again together.At the end of the summer,after some messages,she told me that she has a boyfriend for a while.I was completely devastated.After that,between us started a fight which finished fast because I told her what beautiful moments we had,even it was distance between us,but she did not want to answer and she blocked me.Another problem is that we have only 2 friends in common,but I do not speak to much with her and she do not speak to much with him.It’s true that I told her at the beginning of the relationship that “we can stop anytime she want”,but those hopes from her that we will meet made me stronger and think that we will be together again,and now,she just let me fall from the sky.Sometimes,I wish that she lied telling me that she has someone,making me forgetting her and focusing on my exams,but probably this dream is far from reality.(She said a lot of times that I need to focus on them).What do you think I should do?
Me and my bf has been together for more than 12 years and turning 13 this December, last June he asked for space, after a month he sent me a message on FB asking how are u? so i replied that I’m ok, then he said me he missed me so i didn’t sent him a reply then he’s gone again, after another month he shoot me a message on FB again, same thing how are you? so i replied I’m ok a quite longer conversation but when he said that he really missed me I didn’t reply then after that we didn’t talked again. Since we’ve been together for long, live together there are things that we already shared like our apartment business we talked and decided that he will pay me in cash for all the things that he owe, so we agree about that.
For a month now, we are casually talking, visiting his sick grandma and he starts calling me again on our term of indearment then he wanted us to but a puppy that we can take good care of as if everything is going so well.
But i always wanted to validated things if all he’s showing me and how he’s treating me is all true so I snip on FB of the girl i was so jealous of because we had a history that he cheated on me.
I am seeing that on their company party that girl is always there, I felt so hurt and jealous because he keeps on telling that he is no longer talking with that girl anymore but still it hurts seeing them in an event together and thinking what happened after the party did they go home together. Than thinking which makes me suffer.
Right now, we are casually talking as if we were ok, he will call me to check on me but sometime he will be gone for days without calling, i felt the inconsistency on his action and since I’m hurt everytime i am seeing him partying with the girl I am planning to start avoiding him and to not answer his call anymore. Do you think it’s a good idea to avoid him?
Hi Zan,
I never thought a blog like yours existed. It’s straight to the point.
I’ve been through breakups before and a divorce. I’m 40. Like guys do, we endure the pain and eventually get over it, The last time I got dumped was a decade ago, afterwards I moved on and fell in love many times and had many relationships. Some short-lived some longer. This last one ended 3 weeks ago. We were together for 6 months but it was very intense. While on the peak of happiness she asked for space to explore her feelings and said she would contact me when she would be sure (!!!). I thought she really meant it and in the course of the past 3 weeks occasionally (once a week) I sent her photos, without words, from the places I was currently visiting for my work. She responded regularly, but yesterday I understood this was not the case. During a short witty chatting, she admitted she no longer shares the same feelings as I do. Honestly I didn’t see that one coming. I got completely blindsighted, probably by the whole atmosphere we were sharing. And I was not day-dreaming, I have that much of experience. So now I’m actually on my first NC day. I never wrote to any blog for anything, ever. And I will go through it. I guess it hurts so because I let myself unchecked and never expected it in this particular occasion since there was no negative incident or fight during our time together. Also I felt for the first time in many years that she is the one…. I’m not sure how to handle it. It’s one of these moments when past experience does not exactly apply. Any thoughts…?
Thanks,
Nick
Hi Nick.
Thanks for the comment.
Since your ex has lost attraction for you, there’s nothing you can do but to wait for her to contact you.
She told you she will message you on her own terms, so you must respect that.
Figure out why she detached from you and whether something or someone new or old appeared in her life.
Best regards,
Zan
Thanks Zan. I read all your posts in the mean time. They put everything in perspective. They’ve been extremely helpful.
I’m not sure if someone new or old is the reason. We don’t have mutual friends and by principle I don’t have FB, Inst etc so I don’t know how she is.
We were a long distance relationship but were seeing each other every other wkd and talking or texting daily. I am travelling abroad for my work and was flying to her city every other wkd. We were either going for long wkds at the islands in the Aegean or staying in town. Our days together were full of laughter and passion. Never getting bored and always painful at goodbyes…. In any case she was very happy and never had even the slightest cloud between us. I was also making arrangements to move to her city before year-end so that we could see each other more and move forward more seriously.
I believe it was the distance. In her last text she thanked me for the wonderful moments and said I did nothing wrong and nothing at all bothered her (!!!).
I’m really puzzled. I am keeping the NC for the 2nd week and will continue.
I’m very busy with my work while some days are good and even thinking of totally giving up hope, others are more difficult. There are a lot of women around me and I’m seeing a couple (in different countries). I don’t feel attached…it’s just sex…but it helps. Nevertheless my mind is still on her. It’s been a decade since I felt like this.
Do you think that long distance relationships stand a better chance to reunite, since the usual routine etc was avoided ?
Thanks,
Nick
Hi Nick.
Often, there is indeed someone new involved. But with the information that you provided, we can’t say that she cheated for sure.
Since your relationship was great, there has to be some influential external factor playing with her mind. It could be depression, not enough time to herself (suffocation), GIGS, and even meeting someone more available.
But no matter why she broke up with you, she’d made her decision so there’s no going against that. You must now let her come to the conclusion on her own.
From my observations, long-distance breakups don’t stand any fewer chances than normal breakups. That’s because dumpers want time to themselves anyway, so the LDR breakup is merely making things easier on them.
Stay strong,
Zan
Hi Zan,
It’s been more than 2 months in NC and during the difficult days your posts are the only true solace. Thank you. Every day I’m better…though I forgot how hard it was!
She texted me at the beginning of Dec (1 month in NC) to wish me for my nameday. I thanked her on the same tone and wished her for her dad (he is Nick too). She thanked me and that was it. Back to NC. Her tone and syntax was more than neutral with lots of exclamation marks etc but not enough to imply anything further. Mine was exactly on the same level. I continued indefinite NC through holidays etc.
Before Christmas I took a long wkd off and went sailing with friends.
As said I don’t have FB, Insta etc except WhatsApp. So I put on my Status a photo of me (just myself noone else in the photo) during sailing. I looked really great. I saw later she viewed it. Nothing further.
Yesterday (2 months in NC) and after I had been 4 days off-grid (on vacation with a gf, my phone switched-off etc) and just a couple of hours after I came online to check my messages, she uploaded on her WhatsApp Status a clip from a movie I liked a lot (Manolete, with P.Cruz and A,Brody). It’s actually one of my favorites, and I think I told her once but I’m not sure. She definitely remembers my love for bullfights, she was very excited whenever we discussed it. The particular scene was more or less us back then (Cruz says to Brody he’s her part of the sun). She often said something similar to me….
I didn’t know how to react….I really thought it was directed to me…. so a few hours later I texted her. No greetings, hellos or anything like that, just her name. She immediately replied with wishes for the new year(!), asking how I was etc. Not what I expected…. So I went on and asked her about the clip, in less than 3 words. She replied with the movie details but didn’t seem like she remembered it was one of my favorites or anything close to what I thought. I said I’m happy she chose the particular scene and she replied with an emoji happy face. I didn’t continue and just left it there.
I don’t know what to think about it…was it all my misunderstanding or is it a game she plays?
I would really appreciate your input.
Thanks,
Nick
Hi,
My exboyfried and I broke up months ago. After 3 months of no contact and a lot of reflecting I reached out. We got back together and after a week he broke up with me. He was giving me mixed signals and he told me he couldn’t be with me right now, that it didn’t feel organic. He told me to be friends but it was hurting me so I told him to stop contacting. I did NC for a month and during that time he moved on. He started dating his best friend. I feel he is happier and doing way better than me. I am not sure if it is a rebound relationship. He hasn’t reached out to me. Do you think there are still chances to get back together?
Do yourself a favor, move on ……live love laugh! To allow him back again will only show him how low value you are!!!
Hi Deeana.
You can’t force your ex to be with you if he doesn’t want to be. He has to come back on his terms otherwise he will take you for granted and leave again.
So from now on, wait for him to contact you and express the desire to invest in you.
It will feel “organic” if he does.
Stay strong,
Zan
There’s always a chance but not right at the moment. You need to focus on yourself to get better and feel good about yourself again, to help you gain a clear perspective of things so it won’t hurt so bad anymore. It’s not to say that you’re doing it for the sake of getting back with your ex but you need to heal. You can’t heal and make good decisions when you’re in a fearful state of mind. I went through the same thing recently. I’m in a much better place, mentally, spiritually and physically. I don’t think about ex as much anymore. She’s still there but I don’t reach out.
You need to do things for yourself and not your ex. You are the most important person now. Not him or anybody else. He won’t fix you because it’s one sided. He unilaterally made a choice. Help yourself. Be patient. Be okay with making mistakes. Don’t contact him in any way shape or form. No texting, no calling, no media. It’s as if you fell off the face of the planet. Pretend he’s dead. Not for real but to help yourself.
Listen to Coach Craig Kenneth M.A.on Youtube. He’s relationship coach and a psychotherapist. He’s genuine, and is truly honest and sincere about helping people with his partner Margeret a LCSW.
Check it out. You’ll be glad you did. You will be okay and you will pull through all of this and become the best version of yourself.
Me and my ex broke up on oct 11 after a huge fight. he started contacting me on the 16. : i love you. i love you. paragraphs of how much he loves me. everything was consistent with him reaching out to me. wed 23rd he texted saying i love you always thinking of you. the next day some girl wrote me on inst saying she is with him and she is the girl i caught him with and better not contact minf you i havent responded to him since break up. since then he has not even texted after that. its the 29th of oct. im just confused . i do love him but i wish he would show me instead of texting and obliviously e doesnt care?
we were best fiends over 7 years he really wanted to be in relationship i kept telling him no we can be friends but after eight months we werent seeing eye to eye.. what should i do . i still havent contacted him
Hi Amber.
If he regrets breaking up with you, he will tell you so himself. He’ll leave his current girlfriend and express regret.
So wait for him to make a move.
Best regards,
Zan
Me mybex girlfriend broke up 4 months ago . She said she move on . She doesn’t get back exs and found some guy that she went out on date . I want to get back with her i really really love her and i cant move on . I told her how i feel. Every time i do she gets mad or change the subject. She gets happy when i tell her if i get a second chance o said i will take some where amazing and get a surprise. What should i do ? If feels like she doesn’t care about me more what should I do?
Hi Luis.
She doesn’t care about you romantically right now. She’s probably dating others and wants to continue doing so.
I advise you to go no contact and protect your heart.
Kind regards,
Zan
Please move on. Be happy with You! When u beg her to take you back that proves to her you are showing up as low value!! She only wants u for what u can give to her…trips etc. Learn to b happy in your Own skin first!
My ex an I broke up 3 months ago and I did the chasing thing, which I wish I wouldn’t have done. We weren’t together a long time, but I do love him. I am the dumper and dumpee at the same time. I’ve tried to work it out with him, but to no avail. He says that he still has feelings for me, but he’s not interested in getting back together. I’ve started no contact and I’ve broken it each time. Smh. Do these above rules apply for my situation? Please respond.
I have also done self reflecting and I am a better person post breakup, but I just want to find a way to prove it to him and potentially get him back. Please respond.
Hi Brittany.
These rules apply to your situation.
But whether he comes back depends on your strength as well as what’s going on in your ex’s life. So don’t try to reason with him and let him come back to you on his own term if he ever wants to.
Stay strong!
Zan
You dont have Anything to prove to him!! Get that out your head!! Please No contact! Go for a walk, the library order pizza an watch a movie, concentrate on You an learn to b happy alone.
Hi, I have not long broke up with my partner. Only 4 weeks ago. We had been together for almost 8yrs but things just got a bit stale and we just didnt do much or go many places together. I still love her alot and I tried to ask her to sort things out and do more things together but she just ignores my texts and calls so I just gave up contacting her. I have seen her a few times in the street when I’ve been out and Ive just ignored her like I’ve moved on though I do still love her and would love her back as I should’ve done move things with her. I got myself new clothes and new hair style to help myself feel better and move on and shes seen that when we crossed paths .. but she hasn’t spoke or said anything to me. Am I doing the write thing as I would love her back just not sure by ignoring her in the street is the right thing to do. You advice would be greatly appreciated.
Brian
Hi Brian.
If you were the dumper, then all you have to do is contact your ex and t talk to her (if she wants to, of course). If you’re the dumpee on the other hand, you must wait for her to reach out and express the wish to get back together.
Best,
Zan
I’ve been with my current BF for 2 years now. He was very much a man-whore before we got together. We have a child together now. Before that he was with a woman off an on for 10 years, they too had a child together. I have no problem with that woman. They are genuenly done. There is another ex from 15+ years ago… His first gf in high school, that he keeps in contact with. They were friends for a few years, then they were dating but then he promptly moved with his family to a different state. Without out telling her/breaking up with her. Mind you this was when he was 16ish. He is now 35. This ex of his, married now with her own child and friends with his sisters, came to my baby shower that was hosted in their home state. I’ve met her once before. I’m not impressed with their “friendship.” He says they are just friends. She calls every few months, semds valentines day texts and happy fathers day texts. He know I dont like the contact with her because he’s never been able to explain the “friendship.” I’m of the belief that if you’ve ever been romantically involved with someone that you cannot just be friends with them. Her husband does not like their contact either. My logical thoughts are that she reaches out when she is unhappy in her marriage. And he feels guilty for leaving her in a shitty small town when he was her biggest support system. My emotional thoughts are I’m jelous and insecure, especially when he forgets to mention that she called that day… Your thoughts?
Hi Skaaa.
I think you should first work on your own emotional stability so that people from the past don’t affect you. And once you’ve done that, talk to your partner about honesty. Show him you’re okay with it and that you’d just like him to be more transparent.
Best,
Zan
I have an ex-girlfriend that I broke up with 3 years ago and I have still kept contact with the kids one is an eighteen-year-old the other is 15 once in a while I reach out and say hello but I still send them birthday and Christmas money up until the eighteen-year-old turned 18 I stopped I haven’t heard from the ex-girlfriend for over a year now but I did see her at her daughter’s graduation and she gained weight and we didn’t communicate but she was with the guy that she cheated on me with. So what are your thoughts on that?
Hi Rob.
Since she’s still with the guy she cheated on you with, there’s not much to say. She’s attracted to him at the moment and most likely over you.
Best,
Zan
First of all Rob lets be honest for a minute. She left your ass for another guy. Plain and simple. She’s still with him and that means you didn’t cut it for her. Some other dude is know pounding out your shortcomings. Whether you had a small package and stunk in bed the better man come out on top. Most women leave a man because you just aren’t attractive enough and she got bored with your small vein sausage. I know it’s hard bro but it’s true. Quit sending gifts, that just makes you look like a damn fool. Your ex girlfriend and her new man probably laugh as they spend the money you’re sending and probably get door dash and then bump uglies
Dude this is probably the best advice I have ever read. Thanks for being so brutally honest. Most guys can’t handle that. But damn this opened my eyes
Hi Zan, how would me being in a new relationship impact getting back with my ex? I am dating a new girl, we decided on an open relationship. No strings attached. We don’t want to be exclusive and want to enjoy and date other people but be with eachother also. My ex knows i am seeing this girl but has no idea about us being non exclusive. I’m still early into the breakup so i am just curious how does this impact my chances now that she knows i am dating someone else?
Hey Logic.
You being in a relationship portrays that you’re not waiting around for your ex and started moving on. It allows her to drop her guard and consider you no longer a threat. Once her relationship suffers and things go south in her life, she will likely reach out for help. People are selfish and always do things to help themselves. Your ex could also.
Best,
Zan