Updated on August 4, 2025
Sometimes, dumpers express the wish to be friends after the breakup. They say they miss having their ex in their lives and that they wish the breakup hadn’t split them up so much. By befriending their ex, they attempt to hold on to the non-romantic part of the relationship and make the breakup easier for themselves, not their ex. Their ex’s feelings don’t matter to them or matter as much as their feelings because their top priority is to assuage their guilt or obtain information or validation.
Whatever it is they want, it doesn’t help their broken-hearted ex process the breakup and feel better. Friendship merely confuses them, hinders their recovery, and makes them want to be with their ex more. Every time their ex says or shows that he or she misses spending time with them, they feel more anxious and scared, get their hopes up, and contemplate giving friendship a chance.
They completely ignore the fact that they’re not ready for friendship with the person who left them and that they should focus on getting over the breakup, not getting closer to their ex. Closeness is the reason they’re hurt, so they should keep their distance and allow time and space to fix their pain and damaged self-esteem.
If your ex wants you back as a friend, you might hear something like, “I’m sorry for hurting you. Let’s be friends, and we’ll see how things go. Maybe we’ll get back together in the future.”
Dumpers love to throw maybes around. They especially love talking about the possibility of reconciliation happening sometime in the future. The reason they talk this way is not because there’s a decent chance of changing their mind, but because they’re afraid of hurting or losing their ex. They don’t want to bring a negative reaction out of their ex, so they say hopeful things and ask to be friends.
During the breakup, many dumpers suggest staying friends even though they don’t want to be anywhere near their ex. Friendship is the only thing they can offer their ex during his or her biggest time of distress. They don’t know it’s disrespectful and unfair to their broken-hearted ex and that they can’t be friends with someone who still sees them romantically.
Despite that, they say they want to be friends—and in doing so, give their ex a tempting offer, one the dumpee may consider taking to slowly “win” the dumper back. The dumpee is often so anxious and scared of losing control that he or she agrees to friendship on the spot. By doing so, the dumpee allows him/herself to be friend-zoned and controlled by the dumper.
If the dumper is communicative, nice, and respectful, the dumpee feels validated. But if the dumper is unresponsive, mean, cold, angry, or dating someone else, the dumpee feels unwanted, played, and replaced.
Friendzone may seem tempting and better than nothing, but it’s far from it. It’s way healthier and better to walk away from your ex with your head held high and avoid holding on to your ex. If you focus on yourself instead of your ex, you’ll get your ex out of your head and regain inner peace much quicker. That’s because you won’t constantly feel tempted to impress your ex and make your ex regret breaking up with you.
You’ll simply focus on distraction, detachment, and growth—and continue to rely on yourself for joy, purpose, and self-love.
If you’re contemplating giving friendship a try, you’re probably thinking to yourself, “If I pretend to be my ex’s friend, maybe I can prove I’ve changed/that I’m a good person—and my ex will want me back. In the worst-case scenario, at least I’ll keep my ex in my life and hold on to the memories we shared together.”
Memories and temptations to prove yourself to someone who left you aren’t a good thing. They’re extremely bad for your healing as they fill your head with thoughts of your ex and constantly drive you to make your ex notice you and commit to you. They instruct you to gain your ex’s approval and stay emotionally hooked on your ex.
In a strange way, emotional dependence gives you a sense of control and makes you feel safe.
You have to find a way to break this dependence and feel safe without your ex’s presence and affection. You can do this by remembering that your ex isn’t and can’t be your friend. He or she is an ex, someone who lost feelings, interest, and commitment. If you befriend your ex when your ex just wants to move on to better things, you’ll continue to pursue your ex and feel rejected. You won’t recover or recover as fast as you can because you’ll experience reminders that your ex is doing fine without you and remains set on moving on.
When you finally understand that your ex doesn’t want you back and only wants to be friends or maintain appearances, you’ll know that friendships are for friends who want the same things from each other. They’re not for ex-partners who broke up and need time to get over each other.
Friendships with exes must be avoided at all costs. If you avoid them, you’ll save yourself the effort of trying to prove things to your ex, get close to your ex, and be with your ex. Instead of trying to change the outcome, you’ll accept the breakup and learn to be okay with it. Acceptance will ease your anxious mind and encourage you to walk away from people or things that no longer serve you.
So if your ex wants to be friends, and you feel tempted to use it to your advantage, remember that dumpers and dumpees can’t and shouldn’t attempt to be friends. They should give each other space, reflect on the breakup, grow as people, detach, and then figure out what they want and don’t want. If they want to be friends because they’re ready for it, they can be friends.
But they should keep in mind that it will likely complicate their next relationship.
Friendship with an ex is often impossible. I don’t suggest giving it a try soon or right after the end of a relationship. The end is meant for both parties to spend some time without each other and see if they miss each other as friends, partners, or neither.
In this post, we’ll discuss what to do if your ex wants to be friends after the breakup. Thanks for reading.
My dumper ex wants to be friends
If your dumper ex offers friendship during the breakup, bear in mind that it might be a pity offer. Your ex might not want to stay in touch but feels forced to do so because he or she sees that you’re hurt, scared, or in denial. Your ex likely wants to help him/herself feel better by helping you feel less abandoned and unwanted.
If your ex genuinely cares about you, your ex might offer closure and post-breakup assistance. He or she might invite you to reach out whenever you’re struggling to cope with the breakup and need a shoulder to lean on.
However, if your ex just wants to be friends to benefit from you, then your ex might offer friendship to keep you around for non-romantic purposes. This could be to receive certain benefits that only you can provide.
Some dumpers value the connection they built with their ex and don’t want it to go to waste. Preferably, they wish to hold on to it and, by doing so, string their ex along. It’s a selfish thing to do, considering how badly the dumpee craves validation and love.
Therefore, post-breakup friendship benefits the dumper, not the dumpee, as it gives the dumper the right to communicate with the dumpee without commitment. It enables him or her to hold on to the dumpee without giving the dumpee anything in return. The dumper may be kind and respectful, but that doesn’t make the dumpee happy.
The only thing that matters to the dumpee is a romantic relationship. Until the dumpee gets it, or as long as he or she feels hurt, he or she continues to put the dumper on the pedestal and feels an insatiable urge to get back together. Friendship doesn’t reduce the urge to bond and reconnect intimately. If anything, it increases it because it lets the dumpee get close to the dumper, but not as close as he or she would like to be.
The less affection the dumpee gets after the breakup during friendship, and the longer he or she waits, the less patient the dumpee becomes.
Eventually, most dumpees lose their cool and say or do something that crosses the friendship boundary and pushes the dumper away. Many dumpees bring up the reconciliation topic and, by doing so, overwhelm their ex with romantic expectations and show that they’re not ready for friendship.
That’s when friendship feels severely imbalanced and often ends.
If your ex wants to be friends days, weeks, or months after the breakup, your ex probably feels ready to talk again. Your ex has had enough space and time to process difficult breakup emotions and realized you’d make a nice friend. That said, don’t confuse friendship with romance. If you interpret your ex’s wish to converse as something romantic, you could start chasing your ex, thinking your ex will eventually come back around.
This kind of thinking will likely lead to disappointment and more pain, as your ex wouldn’t have offered friendship if he or she had romantic feelings for you. Your ex would have expressed regret and seemed to be in a hurry to get back together.
So don’t see friendship as a means to get back together. Very few dumpees get back with their ex by settling for less than they deserve. Those who get their ex back through friendship and communication stay hurt and hide their pain until their ex fails to find a better source of happiness elsewhere. That means they tolerate unwanted thoughts and feelings and stay hooked on their ex despite their ex not wanting to be with them.
Eventually, their ex realizes that he or she didn’t live the kind of life he or she expected to live without them and runs back to their ex for comfort, safety, and stability.
Their ex concludes that the life he or she had in the past was more fulfilling than the life he or she experienced after the breakup.
The point is, you don’t need to torture yourself by holding on to your ex as just a friend. If your ex can’t find a replacement for you and discovers your romantic worth, your ex will come back, whether you stayed in touch or not. The only problem is that you’ll likely make breakup mistakes if you hang around as a friend.
Your demeanor will reveal that you’ve agreed to friendship, not because you value the connection with your ex, but because you want to upgrade the friendship to a relationship. The realization that you want more will likely smother your ex, bring a bad reaction out of your ex, and lower your chances of reconciliation.
Hence, I urge you not to agree to friendship if your goal is to get back with your ex. Even if you just want to feel better, you should avoid acting like a friend. Friendship happens naturally when both parties detach and feel ready to support each other’s dating life. If you don’t support your ex’s dating life, you’re not ready to be friends and shouldn’t attempt to be.
Why does my dumper ex want to be friends?
Your dumper ex wants to be friends either because he/she feels bad or because your ex is ready for friendship. To be ready for friendship means to have no romantic feelings or expectations. Your ex is fully detached and doesn’t get hurt by you dating or wanting to date other people.
A wish to be just friends is all the proof you need that your ex has given up on wanting to be with you romantically and that you mustn’t ask your ex for romance when romance is the last thing he or she wants to give.
Remember that your ex wants friendship for personal, non-romantic reasons. None of those reasons have anything to do with love, regret, and fear of missing out. Your ex simply wants to keep you around for convenience and benefit from you in ways that he/she can.
As long as your ex sees value in being friends with you, your ex will try to befriend you/stay friends and get what he or she wants or needs.
Here are some reasons dumpers usually want to stay friends for.
- Boredom
- Guilt
- Habit
- Emotional/physical support
- Validation
- Advice
- Financial benefits
- Kids or other obligations
- Fear of loss
- Control over their ex
Don’t play with fire!
Your ex might like your personality and might have said that he or she doesn’t want to lose you, but don’t let your ex guilt-trip you into settling for something that will wound you badly. Don’t agree to be friends with an ex when you still have feelings and want your ex to be your romantic partner.
If you invite your ex into your life as just a friend, you’ll hurt your health and happiness and make your ex’s life better at your own cost.
It will be extremely difficult, if not impossible, to be friends with your ex after the breakup. You’ll probably feel desperate to win your ex back and act needy and clingy. Your highly emotional state will tempt you to act on impulse and force you to do desperate things.
Things such as texting your ex in the evening to check up on your ex, inviting your ex out, and trying to make your ex jealous, insecure, or affectionate.
Friendship won’t patch your emotional wounds and encourage recovery. It can’t do that when your ex gives you attention and pulls away afterward. This push-pull dynamic is bound to drive you crazy and trigger a need to regain control. You won’t regain it as long as your ex has plans that don’t include you and treats you non-romantically.
Bear in mind that your ex could also start dating another person, making you experience hell on earth. By connecting with someone else and spending most of his or her time with that person, your ex could watch you invest in someone else, starve you of importance, and make you feel replaceable.
This could damage your fragile self-esteem and prolong your recovery. If you get super anxious, you could also get angry with your ex and push your ex closer to the new person. Anything could happen.
If you’re not ready for your ex to get romantically and/or sexually involved with someone else, friendship is the last thing you should agree to. It’s something that will make you feel miserable, not happy.
Think long and hard before accepting your ex’s friendship offer, handing over your remaining power, and giving your ex the ability to hurt you. If you become friends with your ex, you’ll essentially say that you’re okay with it and that you have no higher ambitions.
Now, you don’t need to tell your ex you want to get back together because that will pressure your ex. But you must be fair to yourself and do what’s best for you. And what’s best for you is to avoid putting yourself through hell.
As tempting as it may be to take your ex up on his or her offer, remember that your ex has lost feelings and that feelings don’t come back during friendship. You’ve probably heard of friendzone before and how hard it is to get out of it.
The term “friendzone” is usually used when a person gets romantically rejected and offered friendship instead, but the dynamic is similar to that with exes. Once you’ve been friend-zoned, you keep being reminded that you’re just friends and that nothing you say or do can change that.
A lack of romantic progress with your ex keeps you feeling miserable and stuck. It causes many dumpees to get into a heated argument with their ex and disband the friendship.
I don’t know what will happen to you if you agree to be friends with your ex, but I do know that you’ll stay unhappy and keep obsessing over your ex’s happiness. Your ex will remain your biggest source of unhappiness and the only person who can make the pain stop. This will go on until you detach and stop seeing your ex as your savior.
What does it usually mean when your ex wants to be friends with you?
During the breakup, it almost always (99.9%) of the time means that the dumper is trying to soften the blow. He or she doesn’t know how to ease your pain and his/her guilt, so the dumper suggests something that sounds good on paper. The dumper suggests being friends, but not the kind of friends where you regularly hang out and behave like close friends.
His or her generous offer is merely an act of mercy and pity. It’s something that temporarily makes both parties hopeful and happy, but causes tons of damage in the long run. Friendship overwhelms the dumper with expectations and strings the dumpee along. It’s far from being the ideal solution to deal with post-breakup blues and guilt.
Try to remember that most dumpers need space and aren’t interested in friendship. They’re way more interested in spending some time alone and seeing what else is out there and whether they’ve made the right decision. They’re convinced that they have, so they must be proven wrong. Usually, they become regretful when they meet someone who treats them badly and makes them nostalgic.
That’s when they decide whether they want to stay on the path they’re on or return to a former partner and rely on him or her for relationship benefits.
Since your ex isn’t interested in being your partner, it’s highly likely that he or she doesn’t want to be your friend either. Your ex likely just wants to chat when it’s convenient for him or her.
You need to understand that your ex either takes you back or doesn’t. There is no middle ground called friendship. Not when you’ve experienced intimacy and lost it afterward.
My ex wants to be friends months after the breakup
If your ex was cold and cruel during the breakup, your ex probably acted that way for a reason. It’s possible that he or she felt overwhelmed by your emotions and demands and couldn’t focus on connecting with other people.
Whether your ex was seeing someone else or merely felt smothered by your behavior or presence, your ex needed some time to cool off and see things more rationally. Your ex needed a few months to stop feeling relieved and develop the urge to talk/be friends.
Normally, when an ex comes back to invest in the relationship, he or she comes back for a reason – to get something or get rid of something. If it’s to get something, it’s love, and if it’s to get rid of something, it’s pain.
The same principle applies to dumpers wanting to be friends. When friendship is on the table, the dumper typically wants to hold on to you for the benefits friendship provides. It might mean that your ex is lonely, anxious, unhappy, confused, bored, or curious about you.
For some reason, your ex wants you to be available to him or her. Figure out why or simply say you’re not ready to be friends.
But my ex finally wants to talk to me!
I know you’re excited to hear from your ex (I was too when my ex first reached out), but this isn’t something to celebrate. Friendship isn’t a sign of progression toward a relationship. It’s a sign that your ex has processed some emotions and that he or she may be ready to chat once in a while. If you make your conversation romantic, you’ll see that celebrating friendship is pointless.
Your ex will still need to fail in some major way to reflect and want you back.
Exes come back when they’ve exhausted all other options and determined that they were much happier before. That’s when they want to bond as partners, not just friends, and commit to working on the relationship.
Whatever you do, don’t entertain your ex just because your ex misses you. Remember that there’s romantic and non-romantic missing. If your ex misses you romantically, your ex will appear sad and anxious and want to get back together. And if your ex just misses you non-romantically, your ex will talk about random things that have nothing to do with the relationship, breakup, or reconciliation.
The conversation will be pointless as it won’t lower your anxiety, depression, or obsession.
I encourage you to consider the friendship offer from your ex, neither good nor bad. It’s just a sign of your ex no longer needing space to function properly.
Try not to think about how friendship could help you get back with your ex. Instead, consider it something dumpers ask for when they think about their ex for a while and realize they want to keep some form of contact.
How can I turn it around?
We’ve finally gotten to the difficult part —the solution to turning things around with your ex. The truth is, you won’t climb out of the friend zone with your ex on your terms. You can be nice and friendly to your ex, solve your ex’s problems, do your ex favors, uplift your ex emotionally, and show improvements in terms of self-awareness, behavior, ambition, and life goals, but it still won’t change how your ex feels about you.
The problem is that your ex doesn’t care if you change. Your ex has a certain perception of you and has determined that being with you romantically doesn’t fulfill his or her wants and needs. Whether it’s your, your ex’s, or both your fault doesn’t matter because your ex thinks the breakup had to happen to liberate him or her from obligations and unwanted feelings.
You can’t make your ex develop feelings when all your ex wants is to self-prioritize and remain in control of his or her thoughts and feelings.
That may be disheartening to hear, but your ex must first change his or her mentality. Once your ex has changed it, your ex will come to you on his or her own. You won’t have to chase, humiliate yourself, and get your ex to see things your way.
Your ex left for a reason – to be happier. Let your ex be happier if not being with you allows your ex to be happier. You don’t have the right to decide what’s best for your ex. Your ex has the freedom to do nothing if that’s what he or she decides.
But if your ex doesn’t find the happiness he or she seeks and wants you back, make sure to take the time to get to know your ex. Don’t rush back into a relationship without addressing the reasons it ended.
Also, don’t agree to stay friends. Use this time to focus on yourself and become the best version of yourself. Your ex must see that you know your worth and that you won’t agree to something you can’t benefit from.
The “I must do something or I’ll never get my ex back” mindset
Most dumpees feel the need to do something and take back control. They don’t want to sit tight and wait for their ex to move on without them. That’s why they often accept friendship and consider it a chance to slowly win their ex back. Such dumpees sign up for weeks or months of torture as they receive mixed signals from their ex.
On good days, their ex compliments them or even flirts with them, and on bad days, their ex delays responses, ignores, or brings up the bad moments from the relationship. Dumpees go through emotional rollercoasters because of their ex and question their progress with their ex.
If you want what’s best for you, you must say no to friendship and refuse to act on the desire to control the breakup. You must consider your ex’s friendship a lack of romantic interest and mind your own business.
You won’t lose your ex more than you already have. But you will gain self-respect and perhaps even the respect of your ex. So build up the courage to sever the emotional attachment to your ex and love yourself more.
So what can I do when my ex finally wants to be friends?
Do what boosts your recovery and self-esteem and improves the image in your ex’s eyes. Your ex must see that you’re not interested in being friends and that you’re prioritizing your own health and well-being.
Your ex will see that not when you tell your ex, but when you show it through your actions. Your actions will reveal whether you’re focusing on yourself or your ex.
Some dumpees tell their ex, “I can’t be your friend because I still have feelings for you. Contact me if you change your mind.” In a way, they stand up for themselves because they politely state they won’t settle for something so low.
That part is good. The bad part is that they ask their ex to reach out when he or she wants to get back together. By telling their ex they’ll continue to have hope and feelings for their ex, they give their ex more power than he or she needs.
Moreover, some dumpees also coldly reject their ex’s invitation. They appear unfriendly and make their ex feel strange.
You can either reject your ex’s friendship invitation by saying you need more time and that you’ll reach out when you’re ready, or accept the friendship but say you need more time before you’re ready to chat. Both responses should reject your ex politely and earn your ex’s respect.
You’ll be okay as long as you communicate your need for space respectfully.
What if my dumpee ex wants to be friends?
If your ex is the dumpee and wants to be friends, consider how much time has passed since the breakup. If your ex suggested friendship on day one or within a few weeks or months, it’s likely your ex isn’t ready for friendship. Your ex is asking for it out of pain, anxiety, and a loss of control.
You shouldn’t start chatting with your ex and act like the breakup never happened. Consider your ex’s feelings instead and ask your ex if he or she is ready to be just friends. Warn your ex that you’re set on leaving things as they are and that he or she must do the same.
You can agree to be friends, but be sure to respect and maintain clear boundaries. Neither you nor your ex should cross those boundaries and make each other feel emotions you’re not ready for.
If you’re not sure what to do, but you know you’re not ready to talk, you can simply say that you appreciate him or her wanting to chat, but that it’s too soon for you. It’s especially too soon for your ex.
Your ex will probably feel rejected, but there’s no way around it. All you can do is express yourself politely and hope that your ex gives up on being friends while you’re both still processing the breakup.
Does your ex want to be friends, and you don’t know why? How did your ex express this to you? Share your ex’s way of asking for friendship in the comments section below.
However, if you’re looking for help with an ex who wants to be friends, reach out directly to us. At Magnet of Success, we help dumpees understand what went wrong and provide them with the tools to navigate and heal from the breakup.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Been with my ex off and on for almost 16 years. All of a sudden I get told I don’t love you anymore. He wants to be friends but I don’t think he truly does. We try to hang out just as friends and he gets mad and angry at me if I so much as touch him. I love him and I want him back what can I do at this point ? Please help
Hi Jessica.
He wants you to respect his boundaries and give him some space. You should do that by ending the friendship and going no contact. It will show him you value yourself enough not to put yourself in a vulnerable/desperate situation.
Stay strong,
Zan
Just came across this. My ex dumped me 2.5 months ago saying he couldn’t give me what what I needed. After a month, he texted to say hi, I responded. Then 2 weeks later he texted to see how things were, I responded. Again 2 more weeks and he reached out again, responded to which he asked if we could talk. I asked what it was about and he said to open lines of communication since he missed our friendship. I declined this and said I could not be his friend since I still had feelings and if he was sure he didn’t want to be with me, to no longer contact me but if he thought there might be a chance to try again, then to please call. All I got in response was a “I completely understand”.
Do you think me taking a stand for myself might bring him around eventually? Was this his way of leaving the door open
Hi Chloe.
Your confident and determined behavior made a better impression on him than friendship would. I don’t know it will bring him back though because it’s not the only condition for reattracting an ex. It’s clear the guy felt bad and that he wanted to be an occasional friend.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
My husband and I were together for 9 years, married for 3. For half of the time we were married, I moved to another country for a job and we did long distance. We argued a lot before I left and I returned home after 15months to make the marriage work (I saw him 4x in that time, returning home for a few weeks at a time on holiday). He asked me to move home and when I did, told me it was over and to move out of the house. I was homeless and jobless. Since then he has said he doesn’t want to get back together because of all the hurt, arguments and bad memories between us and can’t get past it. I have worked on the things he doesn’t like but he has not. I want him back, how do I get him to give us another chance? He has asked I move my things out now too but says he still loves and cares for me but is too hurt. We’ve been separated 4 months now. Please help me save my marriage.
Hi Marium.
He doesn’t want to give the relationship another chance, so you can’t force him to. You may really want him or perhaps even need him, but his actions show he doesn’t have romantic feelings for you. This isn’t something you should fight for because there’s nothing else to earn. He has willingly detached and decided to move on.
You need to focus on getting yourself back, Marium. Process the separation and make sure you have financial security. When you do, you’ll see that he did you dirty by kicking you out when you had no income and place to go.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I and my girlfriend were in serious relationship for 10 months before she broke up saying she vale’s the relationship but is not happy in the relationship. Moreover her family disliked me as I belonged to lower race so they got her engaged to a guy from her community immediately. She contacted me three months later saying she broke her engagement and wants to be back as a couple. I accepted her back and we restarted the relationship.
To my misfortune, this time I was hit with severe depression and ended up not meeting her needs. During this time we also moved in together. Couple of weeks back while I was having a depressive episode, I broke up with her but apologizing for doing so. However, she accepted the break up and is not willing to go back to being a couple. She proposed to continue living together and live as friends and that we can go on trips and events together. I genuinely love her and want something more than friendship. Also, this time again her family is trying to set her up with some guy within her community so I’m on a time crunch. How do I get her back as a partner?
Please help
I want to add that my ex girlfriend is putting in efforts to cheer me up, making plans for my upcoming birthday and making plans to go on trip with my family. I do not know what is she doing all these. I am all so confused.
Hi Sagar.
You can’t do anything else right now. You need to get out of depression before you should even consider being with her. Since you’ve asked her to reconcile, you need to let her come to you. Don’t apologize and explain things anymore. Just be the fun person you were when you felt good.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan,
My ex offered friendship after she broke up with me and tells me she is emotionally unavailable for any relationship at the moment. This is likely due to the hurt from our break up. When her and I were first friends before being in a relationship, I had to take most of the initiative to reach out and schedule dates. I also had to do this while we were together in a relationship. She wasn’t one to set up many dates. I don’t mind this at all, but that has me wondering if I also need to be the one to initiate a lot of our conversations and plans now as “friends” post break up. She gave me the classic “I don’t know what the future holds” for us potentially getting back together because she is emotionally unavailable, processing the breakup, and wishes to focus on herself for now. When we hang out, she’s flirting with me and cooking dinner for me. She will then turn cold afterwards, as if she is afraid of letting me too close because she doesn’t want to catch feelings so quickly. I’ve confronted her on it and she’s told me that she is trying to make time for all her friends and is afraid of letting people down. What do you suggest I do? I believe her request for friendship and desire to focus on herself is genuine. She’s been VERY blunt with me about other things. I think hanging out with her is a LONG game and could destroy me, but also could be a path to reconciliation. Should I just continue to initiate plans and try to recreate that spark through quality time with her?
Hi Bobby.
She gave you typical dumper excuses. You need to keep in mind she can’t regain feelings through friendship. It’s impossible because it suffocates her and prevents her from missing you. If you want to be happy and increase the chances of reconciliation, you should cut her off immediately. As long as you’re doing all the work, you’re making yourself vulnerable and pushing her away.
Best,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I’m curious on your thoughts with my situation.
-Dated a girl for 4 months, then she broke up with me. After a bit of turmoil and emotions we eventually go no contact.
-6 months go by. She dates another guy during this time.
-Then she reaches out to me randomly. Her and the guy broke up, and she wants to be friends with me.
I wish I had seen your article before I had responded to her. Long story short, we then met up a couple of times, had some nice memories together. No hooking up though or anything. It was pretty obvious that I still had feelings for her and wanted to date her. She told me twice that she didn’t see us romantically and just wanted to be friends. I noticed her responses to text messages started lengthening out, so then I decided to tell her let’s go back to no contact because I want something more than just friends. She agreed to respect my wishes, and that was that.
That last step happened about a week ago. Of course I want to go back and say “hey let’s be friends!” and try your strategy above… but I feel like I already played all of my cards. Do you see any other move on my part besides sticking to NC and basically forgetting about her?
Thanks,
Sam
Hi Sam.
As long as you want different things, you should stick to no contact. You won’t be able to reignite the spark by talking to her. All you’ll do is give yourself hope and allow yourself to be strung along. So don’t worry about being her friend right now. You have more important things to do, such as detaching and falling back in love with yourself.
Remind yourself that the woman doesn’t see you as a partner anymore and that she probably came back for an ego boost or to be on good terms.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi !
I dated a girl for 6 months. We didn’t have any labels on the relationship, but it was very intense. I tried to make it official after 3 moths of dating but she want some more time so I agreed. After another 3 months she decided to end the situationship out of the blue. She told me her reasons. She was a little bit rude with me. I tried to solve things with her but she didn’t want. She offered me “We can still hang out and have fun”. I accepted. We hangout one time and she allowed me to kiss her. One week after that I asked her out and she made an excuse. I went no contact for around 2 months.
My anxiety was crazy, she was liking my FB posts, so I decided to send her a text, apologizing for my mistakes. Told her I wanted to work things out. Nothing to serious tho. She replied and offered friendship, which I rejected politely. Told her “If you change your mind, let me know”.
She reached out after a week with an indirect direct approach. We chit chat a little bit and I asked her out. She took 1 week to respond. She told me “I don’t really know what to respond” “But I like your new whatsapp picture 🙂 it is very nice, have a nice day”
I took 4 days to respond that, I told her “Hey, thanks for liking my profile pic, keep in touch and have a nice day”
This is 3 months after the breakup. What do you think?
Hi Rogelio.
You have to cut her off. She’s reaching out just to appease guilt and see what you’re up to. The sooner you let her know she can’t contact you anymore, the better.
Best regards,
Zan
Me and my girlfriend been in a relationship from past3.5 years and during this September she moved to UK for her masters.
Even though she went their things were actually going pretty well between her and me for a month, until she started meeting new people and I started feeling the need for her time, because of which we had arguments and where she ended up breaking up with me, rather she said we may come back in a relationship after her 1-year master or 3-5 years down the line, she further said that she wants to be friends with me and doesn’t wanna end up talking.
Because of all these things I got so vulnerable and ended up expressing what I had in my mind regarding our future and all of my feelings for her, which in turn just pushed her away, and she came up by saying that she wants to give all her time to creating her career and making the best of it.
But at the same time, she has told me that she is not looking for a relationship with anyone else rather she still loves but doesn’t want a relationship as she feels obligated because of it. In fact, every night before I go to sleep we do talk for 5-7 mins on call, and before sleeping every time we say “I love you” to each other but all these things just put in doubt regarding if she actually loves me then what is the issue in coming back in the relationship.
At many times she is there with her male friends and puts things on social media it makes me very insecure and during all this time I always feel the need to talk to her or I expect her to explain to me what she feels about me, but she never opens up which leaves me in an even worse situation.
I really want this relationship to work and but I have no clue what I should be doing about it, but i just can’t let go this person from my life. and I want her in the same way. Please Help
Hi Sanyam.
You have to let go of this person. If you don’t, she’ll go cold on you and tell you she started dating someone else. Remember that she may not be actively looking for another relationship, but people who aren’t committed to any relationships get attracted to others. I’m not trying to scare you, Sanyam, but you should keep this in mind so you don’t torture yourself by refusing to let go. It’s the opposite of what you want, but letting go is good for you. I strongly suggest that you get ready and cut your ex off. You deserve more. In fact, you deserve all or nothing.
Kind regards,
Zan
My ex broke up with me recently, but will contact me once a week. This past week he called me to tell me he misses me, that he has been having a hard time with the breakup, and wanted to make sure I was okay. Then proceeded to tell me he wants to just be friends and does not want more than that. He said talking to me helps him be a “better person”.
I want to be more than friends or nothing at all and I told him this.
Leading up to the breakup, I was very anxiously attached and he was very avoidant. He didn’t really like talking to me & grew distant. Even attempted to cheat right before he broke up with me. As soon as I left him alone and gave no contact, he started to reach out. Why all of a sudden he wants to be friends and change his behavior? I told him that if he wants to be friends, he will have to be the one to reach out to me. I do not want to be breadcrumbed. I do not know what to do because I do want to hear from him and be with him, but not be just friends. I’m so conflicted.
Hi COnfusedLover.
Your ex changed his attitude toward you because he no longer feels smothered. He got the space he wanted, so he feels ready to be your friend. If you respect yourself, you have to stop talking to him. Most of your pain will disappear when you do that.
Friendship with an ex is difficult, so tell him you need time to yourself and ask him not to message you anymore.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi, I was with someone in person and then long distance who has relationship anxiety due to her past baggage. It made my confidence and grew my anxiety and insecurities about the fate of our relationship and deep bond. It was really sad and I felt used, manipulated though she has great qualities that I love. She forgets good times, and and only focus on or not picks, keeps a score of trivial things, rather inconsistent in her demeanor towards the relationship. I think it is a bad thing but she doesn’t like to communicate these things. She told me she can feel my love, that she knows I would give her moon if she asks me. She put me on a slow ride of secretively killing our relationship while we are still together and I am doing all I can (even being very sick and a difficult phase of my personal/professional life). It is like nothing I did was enough. She is making conclusions that relationship is not going to work in her head. She then said, my feelings are going down. I said what can I do, when covid is over, I’ll travel to live near her area and I made all plans. But was going back and forth. I share with her about my friends and things I do. She shares some but she would omit the details of some people, specially guy friend or colleague if she interacts with them. Sometimes. If I strike a conversation out of genuine interest, she would say that I dig into her life. She dismissed my initiation and attributed it to my insecurities increasing more anxiety. I continued to all I could do for us. How can a person kill a relationship in their head by focusing on negative and creating future problems in the head?. At some point she said being on the phone is too much for her, we need to cut it down. I get it, it can be too much. We did cut it. Then she would say if no phone then there’s no relationship. She doesn’t want a phone relationship. It was mind boggling. I invested all in our relationship. She is a caring person and I don’t know why she was acting like that. I feel bad for her mental health. There’s no reason or problem for her to be unhappy and make problems out of nothing. She has been trying to be friends with me knowing I love her and still want to have a life together in the future. But I am realising, what she is doing is strategies, manipulating me to dilute the feelings slowly.
Unfortunately I didn’t do a no contact. I thought if I cut contact, we will lose entire things. I know my partner. I know her behaviour. I have been sensing that she may be letting a guy pursue her or being on dates. After she went “the distance to break up”, If I ask her about things we have shared, and follow up, she even started saying that I check her phone messages. “How do you know?” That’s just ridiculous and unfair that she is not acknowledging my genuine concern, interest. Do I need to check messages to know about someone we have been deeply in love and shared life?
It has been 3 months, I have been in contact with her.
That means the fear of loss, anxiety I was feeling around her behaviour is true. But she doesn’t acknowledge it.
I asked her to be frank if she is seeing someone. So it is the minimum respect. But she is not saying. I find it now that may be She only wants to be free from the utter guilt of doing something bad to me as a partner and a person by checking on me. I really love her, and it is a pity how she is breaking us up this way. But since last call, I have not responded to her “guilty free checks: hi how are you? Is everything ok?”… I have always given the benefit of doubt to her. Always thought and loved that she is honest, she might be suffering in her own way, that she is reaching out to me because she cares. But she has become a person I almost don’t recognize in some ways..
I want to have a normal, simple relationship with her and build a life. What can be done here to get her to see the worth of our bond and the life we had and have?
Hi Jorge.
Your ex has lost love and respect for you. She wasn’t ready for this relationship – that’s one of the problems. The other problem is that she chose to run away and treated you poorly. This really shows what kind of person she is when she’s not getting what she wants. There’s nothing you can do right now that will make her see your worth. All you can do is go full no contact and wait for her to process the breakup. She might process it one day and come back or she might not. It’s hard to say because right now she’s in a very smothered state. She can’t think about the relationship and just wants her space.
You have to give her that space and forget about being her friend. This person is very bad for your health, which is why you must build up your self-esteem and see her for the person she is.
Hang in there, Jorge!
Zan
I broke up with my ex 5 years ago this October. We didn’t speak for a few months. I grieved and did everything you need to do to get past it. Then he contacted me. Said could we be friends and just speak now and then. I had lost respect (hence the breakup) and worked on myself to get past things so it really wasn’t a big deal to me emotionally AND I did enjoy speaking because he was my best friend. So, I let him back in. Sure enough, I felt obligated and he wanted to talk every day. Broke it off again a year later, didn’t speak for 5 or so months, he called for some silly reason and the calls started back up daily. He said couldn’t we be friends until I met someone else. WTH!??? LOL 1 year later I stopped it again. Let’s see how long it takes him to weasel his way back again. This time, not answering the phone and for sure shutting him down. At some point he has to move on! Not playing victim. I felt sad for him.
Hi, i was seeing a girl long distance for a month(both of us are 21) (December- January). She panicked due to anxiety, seasonal depression, advice from friends (tarot cards), and she said she was starting to catch feelings for me which scared her having been burned before in past relationships. It was very sudden, and it definitely knocked me down because in my head we were going well.
I initiated no contact, and I was started to feel better. Since we were long distance it helped, and luckily my friends and family were supportive. But unfortunately we crossed paths again somehow. Chop it up to bad timing but we reconnected. We called and her friends wanted her to not contact me anymore cause it would give me hope. (I agree with them on that front). We ended with half a phone call
I didn’t hear from her for a couple of days. I figured we would be back to no contact again. It however messed with my head, she sounded sad talking to me. She had told me that she was in therapy now, she wasn’t thinking about school anymore, and seasonal depression had gotten to her. Honestly it hurt hearing that, I genuinely wished the best for her. I was hoping if we ever did reconnect she’d be able to tell me how nice everything is going and maybe she had found love. THAT would have been nice. Instead my protective nature was triggered.
Anyways she texted me a couple days later, we had a conversation over text. She was waiting to see if I would ever text her after that half call. I never did. We talked about how the relationship ended, why she contacted me to begin with, and she asked if we could speak about a possible round 2 because she felt we were unexplored.
In my head I had to have an internal debate. Could I accept her back into my life? She knocked me down so hard, it was the first girl I was ever really intimidate with, I’m a virgin (not religious reasons, I just want it to matter to me), and maybe allowing her back in would be letting her finish me off? I made my decision, depending on her answers to the questions I asked like “how would things be different?” “What’s stopping you from leaving again?” Stuff like that, I would accept a probationary Round 2. We would be less than lovers but more than friends in my head. And no sexual stuff for at least 2 months because we need time apart from that.
She did not come for a Round 2 with that in mind. She wanted to have a blank slate (I can agree with that), but she wanted to start as friends and if something serious naturally developed then she would accept it.
I was not expecting that, we were never boyfriend or girlfriend but we both acted like it and obviously set up red flags for each other by speaking about very serious things when we were together.
So I negotiated this, I would be fine starting as her friend but I would want 2-3 weeks of mutual exclusivity. Meaning we’d agree not to see anyone or sleep around during that time. It’s not that I want agency over her body, but I have it as a little show of dedication. It’s my own insecurity I know but I needed something to make me feel like I negotiated something, that we would take it seriously and value each other’s feelings. I know if I never asked for this, me personally I would never talk about any other girls in front of her. It’s manipulative and I know it would hurt even if a little. Idk I’m justifying something dumb I know but bare with me. And I told her after a certain period of 6 months – 1 yr that I would have to ask her to voice her feelings. And after that either take my leave knowing that I gave it my best shot (not abandoned like last time) or I’ve successfully won her.
After some back and forth we agreed on these terms. That same night we started FaceTimed as friends again all night. I did my best and man it felt good joking with her and seeing her smile again. I’m gonna try my best to be a good friend and maybe something will happen naturally. After reading your article I know now that I have to be less attentive and have her provide more to it. She has to text first and lead more conversations. She still would like to FaceTime in the afternoons and nights after work. I’m worried about providing too much or too little attention. I also feel guilty, because sure I’d like her back but rn I have to focus on building a foundation from the ground up.
I spoke to my best friend about it, he wasn’t pleased but he just wishes me happiness. We both agree I’m taking a gamble, a stupid gamble that after reading articles and articles look like it doesn’t work lol but I’m still here. He said to not be as attentive and scare her away again. I don’t know how I feel in general about this all. The mental state I want to have is this:
I want to better myself. I’m going to the gym. I have a new major in college. I’ll focus on building my relationship with other friends. I’ll be the best person I can be, and I’ll try to be a good friend to my ex. If something naturally happens then it happens. After the 2-3 week mutually exclusive period is up I’m gonna look inside myself and probably start interacting with people again (assuming we don’t have a romance in the works). I’ll go on with my life and be the best person I can be.
So now I ask you, as harshly and melodramatic as I am. Do I have the write head space for this? Any advice? And sorry for the length
Hi Zan,
My ex is someone who needs a lot of attention and presence and I’m someone who shows his affection and care by actions, not words.
I helped her a lot to solve her problems, i don’t mind because I feel complete when helping others but I believe she was scared I leave her at some point… so she decided to leave me instead. Honestly I’m being eaten alive by guilt, “I should’ve said more that I love her” etc…
She contacted me 3 weeks after BU and send me messages very 2/3 days, saying she’s very busy because of uni. Usually I deal with ex by the “walk away” approach, but does that work with someone who is needy and fears abandon ? Or in that case should I show her that I’m here for her ?
Thanks a lot !
Hi Will.
Since she’s an ex, she doesn’t need nor want you around anymore. Presumably, she should be strong enough to handle the breakup aftereffects on her own. If she’s not, then she’ll cling to you for love or validation. You need to leave her alone until she becomes afraid, realizes your worth, and comes back.
Kind regards,
Zan