My Ex Is Giving Me Mixed Signals

If your ex is giving you mixed signals, it’s unlikely that your ex is looking for ways to be with you. Your ex is probably shifting between hot and cold and confusing you because your ex wants to treat you well and be treated well in return.

Your ex wants to see that you’re coping with the breakup because seeing that you’re okay allows your ex to stop feeling guilty. It enables your ex to move on quicker and with a clear conscience.

But because your ex feels trapped and isn’t ready to follow your pace, your ex gets overwhelmed with expectations, demands, and attention and pushes you away.

This hurts you more than anything and makes you wonder where you stand with your ex.

Hot and cold behavior is very common for dumpers. Dumpers who feel guilty and responsible for helping their ex tend to send mixed signals to their ex.

They don’t plan to reconcile, but because they want to let their ex down gently, they give their ex hope, make their ex act on hope, and end up being smothered and unhappy.

As a result, they make their ex feel respected and cared for one moment and not needed and abandoned the next. This goes on for a while, usually until the dumper gets bored or the dumpee loses all hope.

The dumpee is sensitive and highly observant after the breakup. He or she watches the dumper’s every move and takes things very personally. If the dumper gives compliments and is kind and patient, the dumpee interprets it as love and feels motivated to impress the dumper and get more compliments and kindness.

This raises the dumpee’s expectations and makes the dumpee even more dependent on the dumper for reassurance and other positive feelings.

That’s why dumpers need to be careful and watch what they say and do. They need to keep in mind that their ex is watching them and looking for hope in everything they say and do.

If they don’t pay attention to their words and actions, they can indeliberately give the dumpee tons of hope or conversely, kill more hope than the dumpee is emotionally capable of losing.

Either way, they cause problems for the dumpee and delay his or her recovery.

If your ex is giving you mixed signals, the first thing you should remember is that your ex wouldn’t be doing that if your ex had feelings for you. Your ex wouldn’t be acting so uncertain and strange and making you wonder what his or her intentions are.

Conversely, your ex would be consistently giving you the attention you need and looking for ways to emotionally reconnect with you as soon as possible. Regretful dumpers are in a hurry to get back into a relationship with their ex. They don’t need to take the time to figure their feelings out.

If they aren’t sure about their ex, they have times when they appear distant and disinterested. Yes, they can also be friendly, but they’re friendly as long as they feel respected and free. Once they feel you need them more than they need you, they instinctually raise their guard and keep you at the kind of distance that makes them feel safe and comfortable.

How dumpers feel after the breakup often depends on how their ex talks to them and what their ex asks of them. If their ex demands that they meet up and try to work on the relationship, the dumpee usually pushes them into a corner and brings out the worst in them.

The worst includes:

• ignoring
• blocking
• responding with anger
• acting cold
• saying mean things
• making the dumpee feel unheard and unimportant
• ruining the dumpee’s reputation

Dumpees don’t have to directly express what they want to smother their ex. Simply talking to their ex can make their ex feel overprioritized and dragged into a conversation they don’t want to be in.

Hence why leaving the dumper alone after the breakup has always been and always will be the best thing to do after the breakup. The dumper needs to see that he’s no longer a priority for the dumpee and that he’s not as important as he thinks.

Such thoughts can normalize the dumper’s ego and make the dumper think about his decisions and behaviors.

So if your ex is giving you mixed signals, this isn’t because your ex is considering being with you. It’s because your ex is trying to figure out how to help you deal with separation pain without sacrificing too much of his or her own happiness.

Your ex feels obligated to help, but if help includes feelings pressured and miserable, your ex would rather not go down that path. Your ex would prefer to stay in control of his or her emotions, decisions, and actions.

Due to anxiety and hope, you’re probably misinterpreting your ex and taking the things your ex does very personally. You’re forgetting that your ex has detached and that he or she is keeping you around for other reasons. Reasons that have nothing to do with getting back together and having a happy ever after.

Your ex just wants to be friends or friends with benefits. You’ll find out what your ex wants by asking questions and observing his or her behavior over a short period of time.

If your ex flirts and makes sexual moves on you, it’s probably safe to assume your ex wants to be friends with benefits. But if your ex just talks to you like nothing happened, then your ex probably wants to assuage guilt and/or be friends.

Your ex doesn’t want to lose you completely, so your ex talks to you the way he or she talked to you while you were together.

Many dumpers talk to the dumpee like the breakup never happened. They use inside jokes, call their ex pet names, invite their ex out, send their ex gifts, contact their ex’s friends, and say they’ll one day regret breaking up with their ex.

None of such dumpees, though, ever plan on getting back together with their ex. They just feel a bit emotional and act the way they usually do when guilt kicks in.

In this post, we talk about the reasons why your ex is giving you mixed signals.

Why is my ex giving me mixed signals?

If your ex is giving you mixed signals, your ex is probably saying or doing things that couples (not ex-couples) do. Your ex is acting as if things are fine and is giving you the feeling that you might patch up your differences and give the relationship another try.

What your ex doesn’t tell you, though, is that your ex is scared. Scared not of being in a relationship with you but of being honest with you. Instead of telling you that the relationship has ended and that you’re not getting back together, your ex is doing what cowardly dumpers do best.

He or she is talking to you and pretending like the breakup never happened. Some dumpers are good at this and would do anything just to keep talking to their ex. In their mind, it’s okay to string an ex along because doing so decreases their guilt and downgrades their relationship to friendship.

In other words, it keeps their ex romantically away from them and gives them the friendship and attention they crave from their ex.

One thing you need to understand is that you’re both responsible for the mess you’re in. You are just as responsible as your ex because you shouldn’t be talking to your ex when you’re not over your ex and on the same page. You also shouldn’t be checking up on your ex and making breakup mistakes that make you more obsessed with your ex.

What you should be doing is doing what you can to detach and regain your rationality.

You won’t be able to get your strength back if you constantly put yourself in situations that make it possible for your ex to give you mixed signals. You will only continue getting confused and more attached.

So know that your ex is giving you mixed signals because you’re making it possible for your ex to do that and because your ex isn’t ready to not have you around as a friend. Your ex respects you as a person and doesn’t want to lose the friendship aspect of it.

Sadly, that needs to happen so you can get over your ex and find inner peace.

Selfish dumpers don’t understand this. They often think they deserve to be friends with their ex. Some even get angry when their ex asks for space. Such dumpers lack the maturity and ability to put themselves in their ex’s shoes and understand how their ex feels.

Consequently, they torture their ex and make their ex wonder how to reconcile.

If you don’t want to be in that situation (anymore), you need to understand that mixed signals coming from your ex indicate a lack of romantic feelings. Your ex may find you (sexually) attractive and considers you someone who’d make a great friend, but how many times have you seen post-breakup friendship slowly grow into romance?

I can tell you right now that it doesn’t happen very often. When it does, it’s because the dumper dates other people and fails badly with them. That’s when the dumper starts seeing the dumpee as a viable backup option and comes running back.

With that said, here’s why your ex is giving you mixed signals.

Exes don’t give mixed signals on purpose. They give them because they don’t know or care they’re hurting their ex and making their ex’s life many times more difficult than it should be. That’s why dumpers who send mixed signals typically keep sending them for a very long time.

They don’t suddenly realize or admit they’re the cause of their ex’s misery and that they need to do what’s best for their ex, not them.

You should keep in mind that your ex isn’t giving you an opportunity to impress your ex and make him or her feel something for you. Your ex is just being nice to you because niceness helps you feel better and reduces your ex’s guilt, shame, or fear of being alone.

What to do if your ex is giving you mixed signals?

If your ex is giving you mixed signals and resetting your healing progress, talking to your friends, or posting ambiguous things on social media, the only thing you can do is stop your ex from playing with your heart.

Your job as a dumpee is to let go of hope and recover. And you can do that by handling your ex’s mixed signals maturely and decisively.

If your ex is talking to you, stop talking to your ex. You don’t owe your ex friendship or anything you aren’t ready for.

If your ex is posting on social media and directly or indirectly hurting you, unfollow, delete, or block your ex. You can even deactivate your social profiles if you’re struggling not to stalk your ex.

And if your ex is talking to your friends and family and telling them he or she misses you, ask them not to talk to you about your ex. They need to see that you don’t want to be reminded of your ex and that if your ex feels regretful, he or she should express it to you, not others.

If your ex isn’t directly telling you how sorry he or she is for leaving you and hurting you, there’s nothing to talk to your ex about. You need to part ways with your ex so you can heal from the damage your ex has caused you.

Do that by showing your ex that dumpees and dumpers shouldn’t be friends right after the breakup. Sometimes they can become friends much later, but to do that, they must communicate only occasionally.

A lot of communication is unnecessary, unfair to new partners, and can lead to misinterpretation.

My advice is not to tolerate your ex’s mixed signals longer than you need to. And you need to do it only until you’ve discovered your ex’s intentions and gathered the strength to cease contact with your ex.

Is your ex giving you mixed signals and you don’t know why? What is your ex saying or doing and how do your ex’s breadcrumbs affect you? Share your feelings, advice, and questions in the comments below.

And if you prefer to talk to us about it, sign up for coaching with us.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.