Sometimes exes will want to be friends shortly/right after the breakup. To be honest, this strange phenomenon does not occur very often. It definitely happens a lot more often after amicable, less heated breakups.
You will hear something like, “I’m sad for breaking your heart. Let’s be friends for now, and we’ll see where we stand later. Maybe we will end up together again in the future.”
You and I know the dreadful friend zone doesn’t sound one bit enticing. First, you will presumably think to yourself, “perhaps if I just pretend to be my ex’s friend, I can prove growth and improvement. If not, at the very least I will keep my ex in my life. I’m so happy my ex wants to be friends and doesn’t despise me.”
Because you’ve dedicated so much time to this person, and you feel uneasy towards him or her, you believe the friendship you were offered is a steal. The mix of anxiety and fear of loss, genuinely make you think this is a once in a lifetime opportunity — a bargain deal, meant for you to take it. In reality, it’s much, much less than that.
I would describe the gift of friendship from your ex similar to getting that 50th pair of socks for Christmas. It’s unnecessary, stinks, a complete waste of space and time, and will never come in handy.
Making a deal with the devil
First of all, it’s going to be almost impossible to be friends with your ex right after the breakup. You will be way too needy and want your ex like crazy. Your highly emotional state during the breakup would make you act on impulse and force you to do uncontrollable things. Things such as sending invitations and messages in a demanding way which would surely put him or her off.
Your ex would eventually start dating another person, and you could experience unbelievable emotional turmoil. Staying friends with your ex
The second reason why staying friends with your ex
Accepting this offer is a sign of appallingly low self-esteem and confidence. Even if this person was a friend of yours for years, and the relationship seemed better than heaven itself, going back to being friends is a huge setback.
It doesn’t matter whether he’s the only “friend” in your life, and how much you’ve bent over backward for him or her in the past. All of that has been erased as quickly as you can say whoops. What matters is here and now, and not the promises that have been made when the relationship was on the rise.
Things like “we’ll always be together and stay friends for life if we breakup” are irrelevant. Look at how you are being treated and ask yourself if staying friends with your ex really
The most important reason why staying friends with your ex wouldn’t work is because of your ex and his need for space. He will not provide you with the same amount of attention as before when you were in a relationship.
Something tells me the sound of that doesn’t make you exuberantly happy, as you now want even more than before, while your ex wants less or none. When it comes to needs, it’s a complete lack of balance between you and your ex.
What does it really mean when your ex wants to be friends with you?
Most of the time (99.9%) of the time, dumpers suggest friendship just to soften the blow. This generous
They just want out completely — especially if the time around the breakup wasn’t that nice. When one doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you because of incompatibilities and disagreements, there’s no way this person would feel the need for friendship with you.
The breakup doesn’t entail just the physical split, but rather a complete separation from each other. Unfortunately, it’s a black or white situation. Your partner either wants to be with you or doesn’t want to see you at all.
Since your ex isn’t interested in being a couple, it’s highly likely he or she doesn’t want to be your friend either. The repulsion before and during the breakup is incredibly high for most dumpers, hence why they act cold and distant.
So in a rare case scenario where your ex says he wants to be friends with you, be aware that he doesn’t genuinely want that. He simply doesn’t like hurting you and feels bad for breaking your heart. Besides, deep down in your heart, you know that you don’t want that either. You’re either all in or all out. There is no middle ground when it comes to exes.
My ex wants to be friends months after the breakup
If your ex was cold and cruel during the breakup, he probably acted that way for a reason. It’s possible he started seeing/talking to other people and got a huge raise to the ego. Whatever the case, months later, he is now sending you messages and friend requests out of nowhere.
The reason for that could be that his new friends aren’t as great as he thought or perhaps there are other issues he is currently facing.
Normally when an ex comes back, he comes back for something. In short, it’s validation he seeks because something or rather someone isn’t working out in his life. When he offers you that friendship months down the road after the breakup, put your guard up. Very seldom do human beings act out of boredom and without any reason.
The same can be said for your ex when he suddenly wants to be friends with you again. For some reason, he’s trying to weasel his way back into your life. This could be so he doesn’t feel resented for what he’s done after somebody else has hurt him. One could even say it’s karma striking, and now he’s on a mission to “fix” what he broke.
Omg omg, my ex wants to be friends with me
When your ex wants to be friends with you, it doesn’t necessarily mean he wants more than just friendship with you. Very often, exes want even less than that. The reason for that is because people hate being perceived as “bad people”, and instead wish to feel redeemed for their sins (especially when something goes wrong).
The best way for them to increase their karma is to talk to their ex – the person they have hurt in the past, and steal his/her forgiveness. To dumpers, it’s incredibly empowering, and one of the reasons why exes come back into our lives.
I often mention that dumpees hold a lot more power than they are initially aware of. This is especially true if they got broken up in a ridiculously disrespectful way via text, left for another person, ghosted, treated horribly and so on.
Any person who values his or her moral values is going to regret his bad deeds at some point in the future.
Zan
As long as everything is fine and dandy, exes are not going to be concerned about their past
I don’t want to be friends with my ex. I want MORE!
We’ve finally gotten to the difficult part — the magic solution to turn things around with your ex, and give the relationship another try. So how can you climb out of this friends zone when your ex wants to be friends with you?
Guys, in particular, are afraid of being put in that dark hole when they start liking a girl. They fear the dark place so badly, they start panicking and ruining their own chances by acting on
Just like when you first start dating a person, there are many things that contribute to your overall attraction with him or her. These preferred personal traits are of course dependent on each individual.
There are however universal attributes every person in this world finds attractive. Subliminally, your partner or your ex-partner look for things that will help them grow and get the most out of their life. Very selfish, I know. He or she looks for things you possess so you can raise their social status and overall health.
These are the things you must improve for your own benefit, as well as for your ex’s;
- confidence, self-esteem and self-respect
- positivity and positive outlook on life
- healthy physical and mental state
- general knowledge
These are the most important traits. Other slightly less important ones are emotional stability, conscientiousness, sense of humor, intelligence, emotional sensitivity, vulnerability, kindness, authenticity, compassion, generosity, humility, bravery, money…
When you yourself as much as you can and become the best version of yourself, your chances are going to be tremendously higher.
I must do something or I’ll be stuck in the hole forever
As I said before, taking action when you are in the most vulnerable position is a big mistake. Accepting your ex’s friendship and turning up the neediness is never going to work. In the previous chapter, I mentioned a few positive things you should work on to boost your attraction level.
Needless to say, having those traits and taking initiative with your ex doesn’t work well together. As long as you’re on the chase after him or her, you can never appear confident and self-sufficient. Instead, you present yourself as the opposite – needy and insecure.
So what can I actually do when my ex finally wants to be friends?
You do that which portrays high self-esteem. And that is the impression of moving on and being happy on your own. I often see dumpees shut down their ex’s friendship coldly and thoroughly.
They say something along the lines of “I can’t be your friend because I still have feelings for you. Message me if you change your mind.” In a way, they are standing up for themselves by saying they won’t settle for something so low.
That part is good. The other part which shuts their ex down in a cold manner, not so much. If your ex wants to have a conversation with you, and you simply ignore that wish, how do you think rekindling is ever going to work? He or she will think “Ok, my ex is clearly still emotional about the whole thing and wants me back.
I’d better stay out of this.” I know that person is your
Hold on a minute. You’re telling me to be friends with my ex?
That’s far from it. I say you should accept the friendship from your ex, and behave no differently than you did when you were in indefinite no contact. In doing so, you open the doors of communication again by silently telling him “I’m totally fine, and we can talk like normal people again.”
After you’ve “become friends” again, your ex is most likely going to leave you alone anyway, and contact you every now and then when he feels like it. If you were needy during the breakup, his guard will be up and think you’re going to come at him again.
After some time, he will turn around and notice your “friendship” isn’t what he thought it would be. You’re not running after him, but why? Could you be dating someone else and you’re actually happier without him? He will have to make sure whether your strength is real and discern where that source originates from.
To reiterate, instead of pretending to be your ex’s friend and becoming needy by contacting him and asking him various questions, you should quickly accept the friendship and immediately lay low.
Make use of the push-pull dynamics, and allow him to do most of the work. When he feels the need to speak to you, he will contact you. Remember, it’s when he is ready to be friends, and not you!
You can’t talk your way back into a relationship.
Zan
If you remember the quote above, you will understand that it’s up to your ex who has to do all the work from now on. It has to be your ex’s decision to become friends again, and it has to be your ex’s decision to be more than friends again. He or she is the one who ended the relationship, and must therefore, put in all the effort.
Even though you would move mountains and cross deserts to be with your ex one more time, you must allow him or her to start repairing things from the beginning. Once the decision to become “friends again” has been made, your ex must start initiating conversations and leading them as well.
The interest level of this person has to be so high it evens out with your disinterest. For example, if you do 30% of initiating, your ex must do 70%. As long as your ex wants to be friends and only friends, you should exhibit very little interest.
The reason for that is because if you show zeal towards him or her, your ex will reasonably return less. Why would he have to try so hard, when you’re doing all the work, right? In the breakup world, this is one of the worst things you can have. Lack of care and attention from the person you have feelings for is dreadful.
Denial or rejection will not happen as long as you keep your neediness in check and don’t chase. You can save face by mimicking your ex’s actions.
Allow your ex to guide you, and not vice versa.
Zan
You are not playing any games with this person. You are merely stating that this is how much you’re prepared to give to a person who doesn’t see you as an equal. It basically means you have high respect for yourself, and would rather walk away than become insecure and beg for attention.
I want to hear your thoughts. Has your ex offered you friendship? Did you accept or politely/coldly reject the offer? Please leave your comment below.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.
Hey, i love this Website but i have one question: I sadly used the exact lines qouted above after she wanted to be friends: “I can’t be your friend because I still have feelings for you. Message me if you change your mind”, along with “We have to realize we lost each other and that i dont know when or even if we will see each other again”…We were best friends for a year before our relationship, which lasted 1 1/2 years and it was a pretty mature and loving one except the last 2 months, where she lost attraction somehow. Im pretty sure she really doesnt want to lose me as a friend… I chased her for a month after the breakup where she always tried to lure me in the friend zone and then we had a pretty sad and hearthwariming goodbye where we both cried and i said these lines.
I get what the no contact rule means, im ready to move on and i also dont want to be only her friend again or chase her in any way, but also want to leave with the best chances of getting back together maybe in the future. i havent talked to her for 1 week now. Should i just stick with indefinite no contact and focus on myself or should i write something like “its okey if we are friends im over it” and then proceed with no contact from this point onward. Which one is the better solution to maximize my chances in the future?
An answer to this would mean a lot to me if anyone has experience with this. Because if i move on and forget her, i want at least be sure that i did the best to give us a chance in the future if we both want to.
Advice i can’t give to You Flo, to maximize future chances to reconciliation. But i can tell You, that by just taking care of Yourself and leaving past things past will give You at least the same chances than trying to keep up with Your ex. The chances are there always, unless we by ourselves go and ruin them. In that sense, i don’t see any reason to not to move on asap. And rest assured, You won’t forget her, it’s impossible.
Personally i think it’s best to just move on and try to take best of yourself. Couldn’t say, though, would some of my ex’s be now my wife had i chosen different approach, but that doesn’t matter now. And the chances are there still 🙂
I have the pandemic version of friends with your ex so I’m not quite sure all the regular rules apply. We saw each other for six months. Lots of work travel and he lived four hours away made it difficult to spend lots of time. We had a pretty deep connection quickly but he suffers from severe anxiety and after 7 years divorced is still afraid of his ex. He said he wasn’t ready and I suggested we be friends. (We are in our late 40s and he has two kids and I have none) due to the pandemic I moved and ended up about an hour away from him. We kept in touch for months via video and when I got to my new place he immediately offered to help. Since then we have seen each other once a month and regularly video and sometimes text. He’s awful at texting. We talk on the phone here and there. He is readily available for any help I need. He has a crazy busy job and these two kids and yet he still makes the time. Recently we started having dinner together again. Not just him helping me. I can see him getting anxious. I can’t tell if he’s not making a move because he’s anxious or if he doesn’t want to make a move and wants to stay friends or if he’s waiting for me to make a move. The question is. What move to make? It’s been 9 months since we agreed to stay friends. It’s been 5 months that we’ve been seeing each other in person. Is it a conversation? Do I just go for it knowing he is anxious about it? Do I ask him if he’s ready? I’ve done the no contact for days at a time and we never get further than five days without him checking in. I am the initiator for us to spend time. Always. But it’s always been that way due to his job and kids. Help. I feel like it’s getting to the place where one of us has to say something.
It sounds like he’s just not that into you.
this is my ex send it to me :- I would recommend you to forget about me and go out of our dead love story.You should find some other girl. I don’t love you anymore and I really don’t want to come back to you. I feel very happy now, after breaking up with you, I feel like I can breathe by full chest finally. Only now I am feeling myself alive. But with you till the end I was like a dead soul in alive body. Only now I can feel how all my vital energy comes back to me and I can reconstruct my life after our relationships. I feel like I have a wings after I broke up with you. So, there is no any chance that I will come back to you. No even single chance. You should move on.
and after this message I send to her that :-
Sorry just today I saw your message right now i was so busy with work and taking care of parents, I accept how you feel right now and I’m not going to pressure you to give me another chance anymore. I accept the break up. So, let’s just be friends. We can say hi to each other as friends, with no strings attached. We’re mature enough to do that, right? Just because we’re broken up, it doesn’t mean we can’t be mature adults about all of this and end things on a friendly note. Just as friends of course I promise. Our boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is over and I accept that. Thank you.
and after that she replied simply OK. do you think I did a big mistake by saying that just be friends. do I have any chance to be with her? it is a long distance relationship within 1 and half years of relationship I met her 4 times personally and since last December 2019 i was not able to meet her personally. what can i do now?
You sound pathetic and you’ve definitely fucked up. If she’s interested, she’ll come looking for you. Otherwise, focus on yourself.
Thank you for the advice in this article, its exactly what i needed to hear.
My Ex and i broke up around November last year and i moved out and had zero contact for four to five months then he came back we slipped into old routine of us being together, the decided that we’d be friends with benefits which just grew my feelings more and sent me back in a full circle. Now we have just hes asked to be friends without sex and intimacy i was super hesitant but id give it ago and if it gets too much ill pull the pin.
i definitely want more but like you said he need to be the one making all the effort and making that decision.
We have been together for 7 months, we have been very happy but she never wanted a proper relationship. Also because I was meant to leave the country at some point.
She told me that she misses me, she thinks about me and that she still want to stay in touch and keep talking to me. She says that although there was confusion it doesn’t mean that feeling were not real and bla, bla, bla…
I’m more invested than her in this relationship, and I never liked the way I felt in it: often unreciprocated. Too much uncertainty and doubts from her side.
I told her that I wished more for us, that I like her as a person but that I need time on my own. I jumped in no contact after that.
After reading this article I might have made a mistake. Because I rejected her friendship and now I feel I will have no chance to talk to her anymore.
No mate, sounds like you stood up for yourself. She was stringing you alone. She tells you she doesn’t want a proper relationship but tells you she thinks about you and misses you? It sounds like she has no idea what she wants and is stringing you along for the ride.
If you didn’t distance yourself from her, you would be in this turmoil between friends and you wanting more. That is not fair on you and you deserve someone who actually wants to be with you!
Good luck out there and remember to respect yourself. Never give yourself away to someone who won’t value you.
i just broke up with my girlfriend because she chose to date her ex over me, asking if i’d let her give her and her ex’s relationship another shot. but now i miss her so much and can’t do anything much because i live in a different city as she is. i want to get her back, if it’s possible i’ll work it out. but the thing is, since we’re living in a different city and i only get back there to further my study, how do i get her back? we agreed to be friends like how we used to. what kind of conversation should i initiate after ending the no contact?
Have you even read the advice on this website? You don’t initiate shit. She LEFT YOU for someone she thinks will make her happier. If she’s interested in hopping back in the sack with you, she will let you know. Until then, focus on yourself.
I have a question about the “I can’t be your friend because I still have feelings for you. Message me if you change your mind,” script where I feel like I didn’t have another option.. if I could please get your help.
My ex and I were together for 17 years. We’re both 34 and we were never married because neither of us were interested in it. He broke up with me in late Nov. definitely suffering from GiGS but also because throughout our whole relationship I’d been the one to support us with my career, which I’d developed, while he’d dropped out of college to work on writing a novel, which at the time he thought was going to be his career. Fast forward and he realized he was actually regretting the fact that he’d never been single (GiGS), and he’d never proven to himself that he could live and survive on his own. He said he loved his life with me but he wasn’t proud of himself for it.
I did a pretty good job keeping it together, all things considered, however he wanted to remain friends and I agreed. He texted me almost every day (I rarely initiated the conversations) and it was feeling like nothing had changed except we weren’t romantically involved, living together, etc. but he was still adamant about not wanting a relationship and just wanting to be single (the conversation where he would say that only came up about once or twice and it was at his initiation of asking how I was really doing, etc.); this went on for a few months. Obviously this kinda drove me nuts, so I told him I needed space.
He respected it and we didn’t talk for about a month (end of Feb to the end of March) when it was broken by him reaching out and saying “Hey, you’ll let me know if/when you want to talk again right?” I responded warmly, asking if everything was all right etc. I expressed that I didn’t know if I could be friends and I didn’t know what I wanted, and I was trying to figure that out. He said he still didn’t want a relationship but just wanted to enjoy each other’s company in the present and not think about the future, but that it was our shared history, experiences, hobbies, etc. that made him reach out to me. He said it didn’t matter if he wanted more because he was determined to reach his goal of finding some success and happiness on his own.
We started talking again, him back to messaging me almost every day and things almost feeling like nothing had changed… except he was a bit more guarded and kind of cold, which I felt was odd considering he was the one to reach out and the one to initiate our conversations basically daily. We talked for a couple more weeks, at the end of which I had to tell him that I couldn’t just accept friendship because our shared history, experiences, hobbies, etc. (the things he mentioned before) made me want more. I was very kind and said a lot of positive things, but I ended it by saying that if he reevaluated or decided he wanted to explore more than friendship to let me know, but otherwise I hoped things went great for him and that he found what he was looking for.
You said in the article that it’s cold, etc. to say you can’t be friends because of feelings and to message if they change their mind, and that you should accept friendship and lay low. However he was messaging me every day, so I feel like if I’d just kept not really engaging in the conversations and sort of shutting him down with short answers that would have been bad.. so I feel like I kind of had to tell him I couldn’t accept friendship etc. but now I’m second guessing myself.
Did I do the right thing? What should I have done?
Thanks
Hi Emily!
I hope You’re doing fine.
From my point of view (similar situation going on, half the years compared to Yours under same roof, married) You did the right thing. The aggregator for me here is the “pestering” of Your ex which is doing no good to You. It’s much like heavy breadcrumbing and You needed to set some boundaries to get space and time heal, to move on. In the earlier situation Your ex was picking the cherries from the pie, he took what he absolutely needed from You, without giving much back, without investing on You. I assume he lately was scared to get involved with You more seriously and that is why it was easier to just take whatever was available, which probably was just enough for him.
I’m intending to tell my ex (Her, the dumper) tomorrow that i need space and time to get myself back together and that i would appreciate if She doesn’t contact me for some time, at all. I know She will ask for what the time scale may be and for that i intend to answer that i don’t know, only time will tell. If She keeps still pestering me, i will be more direct with Her and even block Her, if required.
My best wishes to You, Emily!
My ex broke up with me for reasons i still dont understand but the main thing was that shes doesnt want to be in a realtionship (despite being with me for a year and half) she stated that she wants to be friends and that it will take some time but im angry and still in love with her, she ghosted me after she dumped me for weeks and still has me blocked on everything, she has made me feel horrible about myself the vagueness in the break up has led me to blame myself for all of it. Its been over an month now and she seems fine , still hasnt unblocked me while im messages her on new instagram accounts telling her how i feel and unsending them before she sees it .
I dont know what to do.
ANY ADVICE WOULD BE GREATLY APPRENTICED
BIll.
Honestly Bill, you and I are going through the exact same thing the only difference is that I got dumped in January, ghosted in February by changing his number. He jumped into the first relationship he found and immediately moved in together…taking trips the works when he did none of this for me although I bought gifts to make him feel appreciated…I held him down when he was in financial crisis at one point and no one was in his corner but me. I fell head over heels in love and although we dated only a few months he seemed so perfect until he left. I made him breakfast in bed every morning etc I tried my best to be the best woman honestly. Thing is before he ghosted me he lead me on after the break up and I was under the impression he was coming back. Now he started contacting me alot through out the last months trying so hard to be friends and seems he is trying to make me a back up….he all of a sudden wants sex and honestly I wanted him back so badly I almost did under I asked if he lived her and he said yes….so why are you on the phone with me? He said he didnt know…that was my last straw I said if you dont want to be with me leave me alone and my advice to you Bill is…if she didnt see your worth the first time around find someone who will because something tells me you know she doesnt deserve you.
My ex says she has moved on. And doesn’t want to see me again. She is like she gets irritated when she see my name but still follows me on social media. And seriously I want to get her back. But I don’t understand if she doesn’t want any kind of relation with me then why does she follows me on social media?
Hello Sir!
My girlfriend broke up with me around 50 days ago. She reason was I lied to her 2-3 times and she is also saying she doesn’t feel for me anymore. We were dating for almost 2-3 years. She tells me she doesn’t want me anymore. She gets irritated when she see’s my name or hear my voice. She also tells me she wants to explore. She told me she has forgive me for lying but asks me sometimes the reason behind that. She says if we are meant to be together we will be in future. Sir I really love and I want her back. Will you please guide me to get her back?
I’ve been in this situation and here is my story and advice:
I was dating someone, it was going really well in my opinion and he ended up abruptly ending things with me but immediately wanted to remain friends. Like he would message me as though the break-up never happened i.e.: responding to my cooking posts and sending funny memes. Immediately, I told him to stop that and to kindly give me some space to process and heal from the break-up. Perhaps later down the line, we could explore the possibility of friendship.
He gave me one week and came back to talk to me. I thought I had sufficiently healed and didn’t want to be rude so I would respond back but keep things short and simple. I never initiated conversation. Eventually, we just got comfortable talking like friends.
One month later, he starts flirting. My heart was still in it. I still had feelings for him. At that point, I flat out told him that I’m incapable of just having sex with him because all the feelings I worked so hard to bottle up and push down would surface again. There was no way I could have sex with him without wanting to also cuddle and be held by him. Absolutely, no way. Knowing that, I resisted the urge.
Things went back to normal with us talking as just friends. And I was going on dates and getting to know other guys as well. However, I feel like I couldn’t commit myself fully to anything as part of me was still attached to him, hoping that somehow he would realize that we’re great together and want to be together again. But then again, the flirting started. It’s like it couldn’t be helped between us. The friendship naturally flowed, the flirting was mutual. It was almost like we were a couple minus actually being a couple.
One day, he sent me over something with a kiss in it and I sort of just lost it. It was clear at that after months, I was still not over him because he never gave me the space I required. Plus he bombarded me with lovely dovey, hope-giving talk to keep me hooked on him. It was so hard, but I cut him out of my life permanently by telling him up front and removing him from social media, etc.
He did not respect the boundaries I had set and kept pushing at them with the hopes that I would give in. I truly cared about him and it was incredibly hard for me throughout our interactions to be curt with him. However, I knew that any kind of interaction with him is toxic for my life. He obviously had no value and respect for me. Finally, I just gave up on him. I realized that not only did I not want to be his friend, but that I would never get back together with him.
My advice is to cut them out immediately to lessen the pain both of you will probably feel months later when you have no choice but to do it.
Around two months ago, my ex boyfriend left me, and wasn’t very clear on why. He was just giving me excuses upon excuses, that I would make him feel bad at times, regardless of it being a joke and him acknowledging that. He decided to dump me less than a week after we had sex for the first time together – and it really hurts. I still don’t understand why, it was never explained to me. After ghosting me and treating me like a stranger for two months, he’s told me he wants to be friends, that he’s sorry, he’s ashamed, and that he knows it will take a long time but he wants to try. That he isn’t ready for a relationship with anyone anytime soon because of his inability to express his emotions and to stand up for himself. I’m super lost and have no idea what to do here. He’s been texting me like everything’s normal and like we’re just as familiar as before, when that’s in no way the case. He still follows me on social media and uses my posts as an in to talk to me. I’m positive he stalks. I just don’t know what he wants, but I’m terrified of coming off as rude or like I don’t care – and then again, I don’t owe him anything and he put me through hell. I don’t know what to think or feel. I’m just angry, and I’m still sad.
Hi Emma,
I’ve been in a similar situation. Do not let him fool you. I’ll post my story soon.
Mash
My girlfriend broke up with me. She doesn’t have the feelings she use to and also she doesn’t care. But she has offered friendship and I have accepted it. So what should I do next?
Hi Sanket.
There’s not much you can do. Be her friend and work on letting go of her.
Kind regards,
Zan
So me and my ex broke up about 2 months ago, we had no contact as was blocked on all social media platforms. We’ve recently been talking again and it has been quite flirty/sexual. We have met and had sex, and they were saying they were happier with me and regretted the decision to end things more than not regretting it. After I told her about something that had happened when I was single with someone else they said they just wanted to be friends and still want to be on their own. Can you help me out as I would still love to be able to make things work even if it takes time.
My ex started to be cold with me and i didn’t understand why until i chatted with his friend once and he advised me to move on and suggested we become friends, i guess he asked his friend to tell me this because he was afraid to do it on his own
So basically i ended the relationship when I was the one hurting, he said he wanted to talk to me about it and it’s good that we are friends now but after just few minutes i realized i don’t want to be frie friends it will just hurt more (especially that his friend mentioned that he moves on quickly..) i told him that he asked why then we ended contact for good
After a week his friend came texting me asking me how I’m doing i said i’m good mentally and physically i’m getting to know myself again i’m moving on making new friends he said good to hear that,, then he proceeded telling me about my ex told me he returned to hus ex gf but she’s not good for him, told me that he visited the hospital told me that he still mad at himself for ruining our relationship and he wishes for us to be friends again, i told him i’m not a venting place and i don’t want to be on his mind only when he wants to pour his problems and sadness then leaves for his gf to have fun and be happy i told him i don’t hate him and i wish the best for him and he shud move on
He told me my ex keeps asking about me and talking about me all the time and that he didn’t stop loving me but loves me differently he told me he will inform my ex that i don’t wanna be friends .. I don’t want to settle for that
It still hurts to think about him with his ex, i just don’t know what to do…
My ex reached out to be last week and I told her I wasn’t really prepared to be friends, and that I tried before with a previous ex and I couldn’t make it work because it hurt too much. Was this a mistake? I really don’t want to be her friend, she lied and cheated on me and was generally a total nightmare immediately post breakup, telling me to give her space and then texting me the next day. But I still love her, and I really just want her back. She’s also currently or only recently broken up with the person she cheated on me with (in fact I believe she texted me only days after she split up with him, at least for the time being).
What should I do?
I really feel this route is good when you have done some healing and accepting on your end …it will be less about improving you and what messed up the relationship in the first place but more about trying to not mess up this friendship …this is a good idea but not straight after a break up …you will be wallowing and crying why he isnt replying your text while he is online …..my ex and I were together ,and we broke up and after 5 days of no contact he reached out and said he found out I was hospitalized, why didnt i tell him because he thought we had a serious bond despite him dumping me ..and to be honest ,that is what I would have loved and I told him that I wasnt ready yet for us to be in each others lives unless we were in a relationship and I felt bad like I am not taking the little he is giving me but I know I love him and I am not strong enough to even have this man around me and see him as a friend…we were each others best friends a d he would probably want to spend time with me …as great as that sounds ,I know it wouldnt be enough for me and as a result ,ruin the bond we have …..
I’m in a bit of a dilemma so any help would be much appreciated 🙂
Last year I started liking this guy and it was mutual. We never made it official but it was pretty clear we were together- always texting, always seeing each other, making time for each other, gifts, deep thoughtful conversations. It was my first time ever opening up to someone like that and having such a deep connection. This lasted for a few months.
We were both looking for something long term and when we looked that far it didn’t seem like it was going to work out- so it broke off (more so because I brought it up and maybe even initiated the break up as I didn’t see the point in leading each other on) . We didn’t speak for a while but we both have mutual friends, so from them it was clear he was going through things as was I.
We did eventually speak again and became friends really quickly and everything seemed to turn back to the way it was. It was like the elephant in the room, we’re not together but we’re doing everything a couple would. Looking back it was probably the most stupidest thing I’ve done- but we learn somehow.
We were like that for a while until I noticed a change. Less compliments, less attention being paid, it just felt different. I put it down to he’s moving on and doesn’t feel anything anymore- but then he would confuse me by throwing in a compliment here and there, keeping close physical contact and still more gifts. I wish I’d put my foot down and said he’s breaching the line between friend and boyfriend- but I never did, I enjoyed the attention and would throw it off as it’s not serious.
So I continued to feel the change, there was times be became more friends but still things that breached that line. Recently I get a text saying from him “I like someone else and I told her and it’s mutual”. Initially felt nothing and just said really happy for you, I hope it works out. Afterwards it hit me hard, just wow like what- did I just get played, like how am I in this position. Like how an earth has he got someone- like had he been seeing her? talking to her? and well there I was- guess I brought it upon myself, I mean we weren’t official but still how could you forget everything?…
So I assumed well that’s that- he’s going to be really busy now..has someone new to talk to and occupy his time with. But can somebody please help as to why he still texting me asking me how I am and how my day was and if I’ve eaten… like I’m confused… F*** off are you really going to pretend everything is just normal and I’m going to just be sitting here so you can occupy your time with me when your’re not with her. I don’t think so. Not a chance. I haven’t initiated any conversations, he’s initiated them all and I definitely will not be meeting up with him. So now I turn to everyone else? what should I do and how?
Please help 🙂
A very confused individual
Maria
Hi dear. I read your comment here. And the part that hurts. All of it. And the “i like someone else” text it’s so thoughtless. Wow. I take it in a manner that the person who sent it could be well not aware of things like you are. You picked up on it. That which you finally get out of it is the reality. He might not have meant it but that’s what it is. To “like someone else” vs ‘like someone told her and it’s mutual’ would have had a different meaning. It’s like there’s you and someone else and I’m choosing someone else even though here are more compliments that are for a lover. That hurt me to see that. If i received that as a text I’d probably stop responding.
I have been out of a relationship for almost a year. Her and i were together almost 6yrs. I initiated the break up. I hoped it would shake things up. It certainly did but she admitted that she wasn’t strong enough to fix things about what was going on and i had to accept that it would never be right. I had to do the hard thing and let go of someone i will be hurting for. We started not seeing eye to eye for years. I held her hand and broke the news. It was a mess. We cried. We still message but most the time she wants money and i eventuallyhave given less. That’s where I’m still stupid. I still see things i could have done better and wish i could but i don’t know if we’d ever meet in the middle again.
Hope this helps
cyber hug
My ex hid his relationship from me. When I confronted him, he wanted to talk and had the nerves to still wanna be friends. I told him no. What I look like being his friend knowing he with someone else. His defense is that I’m friends with my ex’s.
My ex broke up with me just because of caste issues, I am from India and here casteism runs like hell. I really love him a lot, but he doesn’t seem to take a stand for me, like either he doesn’t have the courage or whatsoever. He is really close to his mom, yet, he didn’t tell her about us. He had suggested friendship with me, but I do not want to feel like garbage or shit kind of in a corner and see him getting along with someone else. I don’t want anyone else apart from him. I really love him. Even I want him to work towards rekindling and speaking again to his parents about us. This is like a huge trauma to me.
hi, i am from India too, my ex did pulled the same thing. He didn’t take a stand for me.You can text me on Insta @quaintrellelove let me help you
I knew a wonderful girl back in May 2019 and we got together in July. We hit it off almost right away and did so much stuff together. She moved in with me bt bit by bit and was staying at my place 5 days a week from Aug/Sep. We went for a short trip to a neighbouring country, had movie nights, talked about our future, went to get our fortunes read, got to know each other’s family and friends (more of mine). In Dec she went for a short trip to a neighbouring country with a guy friend (triple checked nothing to do with him, he’s just a good old friend) to meet up with the rest of the group (about 8 of them?) and we were still “baby-ing” each other on texts. All the way till she reached home on christmas day morning she still updated me “baby I’m home” etc. and in the afternoon she called to apologise to say she cannot continue the relationship anymore – it’s not because of anybody or me but it’s all her. she has issues and she had the same bad gut feeling she had with 2 other exes so she had to pull the plug. we decided to remain friends and she insisted she really wanted me at least as a friend. she says we both weren’t and are still not ready for a relationship as we have issues with security and when she needs emotional support I cant give it all to her as I’m needy as well and she has to use her remaining strength to lift me up too.
fast forward to a month later, today, I am still giving her daily morning calls, helping her with her work and upcoming business. I may never fully understand the entire ordeal but I am willing to do this because to me she is worth my time and effort. your thoughts or advice? it hurts much lesser now by the way and I am coping relatively well alone.