Updated on August 4, 2025
Sometimes, dumpers express the wish to be friends after the breakup. They say they miss having their ex in their lives and that they wish the breakup hadn’t split them up so much. By befriending their ex, they attempt to hold on to the non-romantic part of the relationship and make the breakup easier for themselves, not their ex. Their ex’s feelings don’t matter to them or matter as much as their feelings because their top priority is to assuage their guilt or obtain information or validation.
Whatever it is they want, it doesn’t help their broken-hearted ex process the breakup and feel better. Friendship merely confuses them, hinders their recovery, and makes them want to be with their ex more. Every time their ex says or shows that he or she misses spending time with them, they feel more anxious and scared, get their hopes up, and contemplate giving friendship a chance.
They completely ignore the fact that they’re not ready for friendship with the person who left them and that they should focus on getting over the breakup, not getting closer to their ex. Closeness is the reason they’re hurt, so they should keep their distance and allow time and space to fix their pain and damaged self-esteem.
If your ex wants you back as a friend, you might hear something like, “I’m sorry for hurting you. Let’s be friends, and we’ll see how things go. Maybe we’ll get back together in the future.”
Dumpers love to throw maybes around. They especially love talking about the possibility of reconciliation happening sometime in the future. The reason they talk this way is not because there’s a decent chance of changing their mind, but because they’re afraid of hurting or losing their ex. They don’t want to bring a negative reaction out of their ex, so they say hopeful things and ask to be friends.
During the breakup, many dumpers suggest staying friends even though they don’t want to be anywhere near their ex. Friendship is the only thing they can offer their ex during his or her biggest time of distress. They don’t know it’s disrespectful and unfair to their broken-hearted ex and that they can’t be friends with someone who still sees them romantically.
Despite that, they say they want to be friends—and in doing so, give their ex a tempting offer, one the dumpee may consider taking to slowly “win” the dumper back. The dumpee is often so anxious and scared of losing control that he or she agrees to friendship on the spot. By doing so, the dumpee allows him/herself to be friend-zoned and controlled by the dumper.
If the dumper is communicative, nice, and respectful, the dumpee feels validated. But if the dumper is unresponsive, mean, cold, angry, or dating someone else, the dumpee feels unwanted, played, and replaced.
Friendzone may seem tempting and better than nothing, but it’s far from it. It’s way healthier and better to walk away from your ex with your head held high and avoid holding on to your ex. If you focus on yourself instead of your ex, you’ll get your ex out of your head and regain inner peace much quicker. That’s because you won’t constantly feel tempted to impress your ex and make your ex regret breaking up with you.
You’ll simply focus on distraction, detachment, and growth—and continue to rely on yourself for joy, purpose, and self-love.
If you’re contemplating giving friendship a try, you’re probably thinking to yourself, “If I pretend to be my ex’s friend, maybe I can prove I’ve changed/that I’m a good person—and my ex will want me back. In the worst-case scenario, at least I’ll keep my ex in my life and hold on to the memories we shared together.”
Memories and temptations to prove yourself to someone who left you aren’t a good thing. They’re extremely bad for your healing as they fill your head with thoughts of your ex and constantly drive you to make your ex notice you and commit to you. They instruct you to gain your ex’s approval and stay emotionally hooked on your ex.
In a strange way, emotional dependence gives you a sense of control and makes you feel safe.
You have to find a way to break this dependence and feel safe without your ex’s presence and affection. You can do this by remembering that your ex isn’t and can’t be your friend. He or she is an ex, someone who lost feelings, interest, and commitment. If you befriend your ex when your ex just wants to move on to better things, you’ll continue to pursue your ex and feel rejected. You won’t recover or recover as fast as you can because you’ll experience reminders that your ex is doing fine without you and remains set on moving on.
When you finally understand that your ex doesn’t want you back and only wants to be friends or maintain appearances, you’ll know that friendships are for friends who want the same things from each other. They’re not for ex-partners who broke up and need time to get over each other.
Friendships with exes must be avoided at all costs. If you avoid them, you’ll save yourself the effort of trying to prove things to your ex, get close to your ex, and be with your ex. Instead of trying to change the outcome, you’ll accept the breakup and learn to be okay with it. Acceptance will ease your anxious mind and encourage you to walk away from people or things that no longer serve you.
So if your ex wants to be friends, and you feel tempted to use it to your advantage, remember that dumpers and dumpees can’t and shouldn’t attempt to be friends. They should give each other space, reflect on the breakup, grow as people, detach, and then figure out what they want and don’t want. If they want to be friends because they’re ready for it, they can be friends.
But they should keep in mind that it will likely complicate their next relationship.
Friendship with an ex is often impossible. I don’t suggest giving it a try soon or right after the end of a relationship. The end is meant for both parties to spend some time without each other and see if they miss each other as friends, partners, or neither.
In this post, we’ll discuss what to do if your ex wants to be friends after the breakup. Thanks for reading.
My dumper ex wants to be friends
If your dumper ex offers friendship during the breakup, bear in mind that it might be a pity offer. Your ex might not want to stay in touch but feels forced to do so because he or she sees that you’re hurt, scared, or in denial. Your ex likely wants to help him/herself feel better by helping you feel less abandoned and unwanted.
If your ex genuinely cares about you, your ex might offer closure and post-breakup assistance. He or she might invite you to reach out whenever you’re struggling to cope with the breakup and need a shoulder to lean on.
However, if your ex just wants to be friends to benefit from you, then your ex might offer friendship to keep you around for non-romantic purposes. This could be to receive certain benefits that only you can provide.
Some dumpers value the connection they built with their ex and don’t want it to go to waste. Preferably, they wish to hold on to it and, by doing so, string their ex along. It’s a selfish thing to do, considering how badly the dumpee craves validation and love.
Therefore, post-breakup friendship benefits the dumper, not the dumpee, as it gives the dumper the right to communicate with the dumpee without commitment. It enables him or her to hold on to the dumpee without giving the dumpee anything in return. The dumper may be kind and respectful, but that doesn’t make the dumpee happy.
The only thing that matters to the dumpee is a romantic relationship. Until the dumpee gets it, or as long as he or she feels hurt, he or she continues to put the dumper on the pedestal and feels an insatiable urge to get back together. Friendship doesn’t reduce the urge to bond and reconnect intimately. If anything, it increases it because it lets the dumpee get close to the dumper, but not as close as he or she would like to be.
The less affection the dumpee gets after the breakup during friendship, and the longer he or she waits, the less patient the dumpee becomes.
Eventually, most dumpees lose their cool and say or do something that crosses the friendship boundary and pushes the dumper away. Many dumpees bring up the reconciliation topic and, by doing so, overwhelm their ex with romantic expectations and show that they’re not ready for friendship.
That’s when friendship feels severely imbalanced and often ends.
If your ex wants to be friends days, weeks, or months after the breakup, your ex probably feels ready to talk again. Your ex has had enough space and time to process difficult breakup emotions and realized you’d make a nice friend. That said, don’t confuse friendship with romance. If you interpret your ex’s wish to converse as something romantic, you could start chasing your ex, thinking your ex will eventually come back around.
This kind of thinking will likely lead to disappointment and more pain, as your ex wouldn’t have offered friendship if he or she had romantic feelings for you. Your ex would have expressed regret and seemed to be in a hurry to get back together.
So don’t see friendship as a means to get back together. Very few dumpees get back with their ex by settling for less than they deserve. Those who get their ex back through friendship and communication stay hurt and hide their pain until their ex fails to find a better source of happiness elsewhere. That means they tolerate unwanted thoughts and feelings and stay hooked on their ex despite their ex not wanting to be with them.
Eventually, their ex realizes that he or she didn’t live the kind of life he or she expected to live without them and runs back to their ex for comfort, safety, and stability.
Their ex concludes that the life he or she had in the past was more fulfilling than the life he or she experienced after the breakup.
The point is, you don’t need to torture yourself by holding on to your ex as just a friend. If your ex can’t find a replacement for you and discovers your romantic worth, your ex will come back, whether you stayed in touch or not. The only problem is that you’ll likely make breakup mistakes if you hang around as a friend.
Your demeanor will reveal that you’ve agreed to friendship, not because you value the connection with your ex, but because you want to upgrade the friendship to a relationship. The realization that you want more will likely smother your ex, bring a bad reaction out of your ex, and lower your chances of reconciliation.
Hence, I urge you not to agree to friendship if your goal is to get back with your ex. Even if you just want to feel better, you should avoid acting like a friend. Friendship happens naturally when both parties detach and feel ready to support each other’s dating life. If you don’t support your ex’s dating life, you’re not ready to be friends and shouldn’t attempt to be.
Why does my dumper ex want to be friends?
Your dumper ex wants to be friends either because he/she feels bad or because your ex is ready for friendship. To be ready for friendship means to have no romantic feelings or expectations. Your ex is fully detached and doesn’t get hurt by you dating or wanting to date other people.
A wish to be just friends is all the proof you need that your ex has given up on wanting to be with you romantically and that you mustn’t ask your ex for romance when romance is the last thing he or she wants to give.
Remember that your ex wants friendship for personal, non-romantic reasons. None of those reasons have anything to do with love, regret, and fear of missing out. Your ex simply wants to keep you around for convenience and benefit from you in ways that he/she can.
As long as your ex sees value in being friends with you, your ex will try to befriend you/stay friends and get what he or she wants or needs.
Here are some reasons dumpers usually want to stay friends for.
- Boredom
- Guilt
- Habit
- Emotional/physical support
- Validation
- Advice
- Financial benefits
- Kids or other obligations
- Fear of loss
- Control over their ex
Don’t play with fire!
Your ex might like your personality and might have said that he or she doesn’t want to lose you, but don’t let your ex guilt-trip you into settling for something that will wound you badly. Don’t agree to be friends with an ex when you still have feelings and want your ex to be your romantic partner.
If you invite your ex into your life as just a friend, you’ll hurt your health and happiness and make your ex’s life better at your own cost.
It will be extremely difficult, if not impossible, to be friends with your ex after the breakup. You’ll probably feel desperate to win your ex back and act needy and clingy. Your highly emotional state will tempt you to act on impulse and force you to do desperate things.
Things such as texting your ex in the evening to check up on your ex, inviting your ex out, and trying to make your ex jealous, insecure, or affectionate.
Friendship won’t patch your emotional wounds and encourage recovery. It can’t do that when your ex gives you attention and pulls away afterward. This push-pull dynamic is bound to drive you crazy and trigger a need to regain control. You won’t regain it as long as your ex has plans that don’t include you and treats you non-romantically.
Bear in mind that your ex could also start dating another person, making you experience hell on earth. By connecting with someone else and spending most of his or her time with that person, your ex could watch you invest in someone else, starve you of importance, and make you feel replaceable.
This could damage your fragile self-esteem and prolong your recovery. If you get super anxious, you could also get angry with your ex and push your ex closer to the new person. Anything could happen.
If you’re not ready for your ex to get romantically and/or sexually involved with someone else, friendship is the last thing you should agree to. It’s something that will make you feel miserable, not happy.
Think long and hard before accepting your ex’s friendship offer, handing over your remaining power, and giving your ex the ability to hurt you. If you become friends with your ex, you’ll essentially say that you’re okay with it and that you have no higher ambitions.
Now, you don’t need to tell your ex you want to get back together because that will pressure your ex. But you must be fair to yourself and do what’s best for you. And what’s best for you is to avoid putting yourself through hell.
As tempting as it may be to take your ex up on his or her offer, remember that your ex has lost feelings and that feelings don’t come back during friendship. You’ve probably heard of friendzone before and how hard it is to get out of it.
The term “friendzone” is usually used when a person gets romantically rejected and offered friendship instead, but the dynamic is similar to that with exes. Once you’ve been friend-zoned, you keep being reminded that you’re just friends and that nothing you say or do can change that.
A lack of romantic progress with your ex keeps you feeling miserable and stuck. It causes many dumpees to get into a heated argument with their ex and disband the friendship.
I don’t know what will happen to you if you agree to be friends with your ex, but I do know that you’ll stay unhappy and keep obsessing over your ex’s happiness. Your ex will remain your biggest source of unhappiness and the only person who can make the pain stop. This will go on until you detach and stop seeing your ex as your savior.
What does it usually mean when your ex wants to be friends with you?
During the breakup, it almost always (99.9%) of the time means that the dumper is trying to soften the blow. He or she doesn’t know how to ease your pain and his/her guilt, so the dumper suggests something that sounds good on paper. The dumper suggests being friends, but not the kind of friends where you regularly hang out and behave like close friends.
His or her generous offer is merely an act of mercy and pity. It’s something that temporarily makes both parties hopeful and happy, but causes tons of damage in the long run. Friendship overwhelms the dumper with expectations and strings the dumpee along. It’s far from being the ideal solution to deal with post-breakup blues and guilt.
Try to remember that most dumpers need space and aren’t interested in friendship. They’re way more interested in spending some time alone and seeing what else is out there and whether they’ve made the right decision. They’re convinced that they have, so they must be proven wrong. Usually, they become regretful when they meet someone who treats them badly and makes them nostalgic.
That’s when they decide whether they want to stay on the path they’re on or return to a former partner and rely on him or her for relationship benefits.
Since your ex isn’t interested in being your partner, it’s highly likely that he or she doesn’t want to be your friend either. Your ex likely just wants to chat when it’s convenient for him or her.
You need to understand that your ex either takes you back or doesn’t. There is no middle ground called friendship. Not when you’ve experienced intimacy and lost it afterward.
My ex wants to be friends months after the breakup
If your ex was cold and cruel during the breakup, your ex probably acted that way for a reason. It’s possible that he or she felt overwhelmed by your emotions and demands and couldn’t focus on connecting with other people.
Whether your ex was seeing someone else or merely felt smothered by your behavior or presence, your ex needed some time to cool off and see things more rationally. Your ex needed a few months to stop feeling relieved and develop the urge to talk/be friends.
Normally, when an ex comes back to invest in the relationship, he or she comes back for a reason – to get something or get rid of something. If it’s to get something, it’s love, and if it’s to get rid of something, it’s pain.
The same principle applies to dumpers wanting to be friends. When friendship is on the table, the dumper typically wants to hold on to you for the benefits friendship provides. It might mean that your ex is lonely, anxious, unhappy, confused, bored, or curious about you.
For some reason, your ex wants you to be available to him or her. Figure out why or simply say you’re not ready to be friends.
But my ex finally wants to talk to me!
I know you’re excited to hear from your ex (I was too when my ex first reached out), but this isn’t something to celebrate. Friendship isn’t a sign of progression toward a relationship. It’s a sign that your ex has processed some emotions and that he or she may be ready to chat once in a while. If you make your conversation romantic, you’ll see that celebrating friendship is pointless.
Your ex will still need to fail in some major way to reflect and want you back.
Exes come back when they’ve exhausted all other options and determined that they were much happier before. That’s when they want to bond as partners, not just friends, and commit to working on the relationship.
Whatever you do, don’t entertain your ex just because your ex misses you. Remember that there’s romantic and non-romantic missing. If your ex misses you romantically, your ex will appear sad and anxious and want to get back together. And if your ex just misses you non-romantically, your ex will talk about random things that have nothing to do with the relationship, breakup, or reconciliation.
The conversation will be pointless as it won’t lower your anxiety, depression, or obsession.
I encourage you to consider the friendship offer from your ex, neither good nor bad. It’s just a sign of your ex no longer needing space to function properly.
Try not to think about how friendship could help you get back with your ex. Instead, consider it something dumpers ask for when they think about their ex for a while and realize they want to keep some form of contact.
How can I turn it around?
We’ve finally gotten to the difficult part —the solution to turning things around with your ex. The truth is, you won’t climb out of the friend zone with your ex on your terms. You can be nice and friendly to your ex, solve your ex’s problems, do your ex favors, uplift your ex emotionally, and show improvements in terms of self-awareness, behavior, ambition, and life goals, but it still won’t change how your ex feels about you.
The problem is that your ex doesn’t care if you change. Your ex has a certain perception of you and has determined that being with you romantically doesn’t fulfill his or her wants and needs. Whether it’s your, your ex’s, or both your fault doesn’t matter because your ex thinks the breakup had to happen to liberate him or her from obligations and unwanted feelings.
You can’t make your ex develop feelings when all your ex wants is to self-prioritize and remain in control of his or her thoughts and feelings.
That may be disheartening to hear, but your ex must first change his or her mentality. Once your ex has changed it, your ex will come to you on his or her own. You won’t have to chase, humiliate yourself, and get your ex to see things your way.
Your ex left for a reason – to be happier. Let your ex be happier if not being with you allows your ex to be happier. You don’t have the right to decide what’s best for your ex. Your ex has the freedom to do nothing if that’s what he or she decides.
But if your ex doesn’t find the happiness he or she seeks and wants you back, make sure to take the time to get to know your ex. Don’t rush back into a relationship without addressing the reasons it ended.
Also, don’t agree to stay friends. Use this time to focus on yourself and become the best version of yourself. Your ex must see that you know your worth and that you won’t agree to something you can’t benefit from.
The “I must do something or I’ll never get my ex back” mindset
Most dumpees feel the need to do something and take back control. They don’t want to sit tight and wait for their ex to move on without them. That’s why they often accept friendship and consider it a chance to slowly win their ex back. Such dumpees sign up for weeks or months of torture as they receive mixed signals from their ex.
On good days, their ex compliments them or even flirts with them, and on bad days, their ex delays responses, ignores, or brings up the bad moments from the relationship. Dumpees go through emotional rollercoasters because of their ex and question their progress with their ex.
If you want what’s best for you, you must say no to friendship and refuse to act on the desire to control the breakup. You must consider your ex’s friendship a lack of romantic interest and mind your own business.
You won’t lose your ex more than you already have. But you will gain self-respect and perhaps even the respect of your ex. So build up the courage to sever the emotional attachment to your ex and love yourself more.
So what can I do when my ex finally wants to be friends?
Do what boosts your recovery and self-esteem and improves the image in your ex’s eyes. Your ex must see that you’re not interested in being friends and that you’re prioritizing your own health and well-being.
Your ex will see that not when you tell your ex, but when you show it through your actions. Your actions will reveal whether you’re focusing on yourself or your ex.
Some dumpees tell their ex, “I can’t be your friend because I still have feelings for you. Contact me if you change your mind.” In a way, they stand up for themselves because they politely state they won’t settle for something so low.
That part is good. The bad part is that they ask their ex to reach out when he or she wants to get back together. By telling their ex they’ll continue to have hope and feelings for their ex, they give their ex more power than he or she needs.
Moreover, some dumpees also coldly reject their ex’s invitation. They appear unfriendly and make their ex feel strange.
You can either reject your ex’s friendship invitation by saying you need more time and that you’ll reach out when you’re ready, or accept the friendship but say you need more time before you’re ready to chat. Both responses should reject your ex politely and earn your ex’s respect.
You’ll be okay as long as you communicate your need for space respectfully.
What if my dumpee ex wants to be friends?
If your ex is the dumpee and wants to be friends, consider how much time has passed since the breakup. If your ex suggested friendship on day one or within a few weeks or months, it’s likely your ex isn’t ready for friendship. Your ex is asking for it out of pain, anxiety, and a loss of control.
You shouldn’t start chatting with your ex and act like the breakup never happened. Consider your ex’s feelings instead and ask your ex if he or she is ready to be just friends. Warn your ex that you’re set on leaving things as they are and that he or she must do the same.
You can agree to be friends, but be sure to respect and maintain clear boundaries. Neither you nor your ex should cross those boundaries and make each other feel emotions you’re not ready for.
If you’re not sure what to do, but you know you’re not ready to talk, you can simply say that you appreciate him or her wanting to chat, but that it’s too soon for you. It’s especially too soon for your ex.
Your ex will probably feel rejected, but there’s no way around it. All you can do is express yourself politely and hope that your ex gives up on being friends while you’re both still processing the breakup.
Does your ex want to be friends, and you don’t know why? How did your ex express this to you? Share your ex’s way of asking for friendship in the comments section below.
However, if you’re looking for help with an ex who wants to be friends, reach out directly to us. At Magnet of Success, we help dumpees understand what went wrong and provide them with the tools to navigate and heal from the breakup.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hey, i love this Website but i have one question: I sadly used the exact lines qouted above after she wanted to be friends: “I can’t be your friend because I still have feelings for you. Message me if you change your mind”, along with “We have to realize we lost each other and that i dont know when or even if we will see each other again”…We were best friends for a year before our relationship, which lasted 1 1/2 years and it was a pretty mature and loving one except the last 2 months, where she lost attraction somehow. Im pretty sure she really doesnt want to lose me as a friend… I chased her for a month after the breakup where she always tried to lure me in the friend zone and then we had a pretty sad and hearthwariming goodbye where we both cried and i said these lines.
I get what the no contact rule means, im ready to move on and i also dont want to be only her friend again or chase her in any way, but also want to leave with the best chances of getting back together maybe in the future. i havent talked to her for 1 week now. Should i just stick with indefinite no contact and focus on myself or should i write something like “its okey if we are friends im over it” and then proceed with no contact from this point onward. Which one is the better solution to maximize my chances in the future?
An answer to this would mean a lot to me if anyone has experience with this. Because if i move on and forget her, i want at least be sure that i did the best to give us a chance in the future if we both want to.
Advice i can’t give to You Flo, to maximize future chances to reconciliation. But i can tell You, that by just taking care of Yourself and leaving past things past will give You at least the same chances than trying to keep up with Your ex. The chances are there always, unless we by ourselves go and ruin them. In that sense, i don’t see any reason to not to move on asap. And rest assured, You won’t forget her, it’s impossible.
Personally i think it’s best to just move on and try to take best of yourself. Couldn’t say, though, would some of my ex’s be now my wife had i chosen different approach, but that doesn’t matter now. And the chances are there still 🙂
I have the pandemic version of friends with your ex so I’m not quite sure all the regular rules apply. We saw each other for six months. Lots of work travel and he lived four hours away made it difficult to spend lots of time. We had a pretty deep connection quickly but he suffers from severe anxiety and after 7 years divorced is still afraid of his ex. He said he wasn’t ready and I suggested we be friends. (We are in our late 40s and he has two kids and I have none) due to the pandemic I moved and ended up about an hour away from him. We kept in touch for months via video and when I got to my new place he immediately offered to help. Since then we have seen each other once a month and regularly video and sometimes text. He’s awful at texting. We talk on the phone here and there. He is readily available for any help I need. He has a crazy busy job and these two kids and yet he still makes the time. Recently we started having dinner together again. Not just him helping me. I can see him getting anxious. I can’t tell if he’s not making a move because he’s anxious or if he doesn’t want to make a move and wants to stay friends or if he’s waiting for me to make a move. The question is. What move to make? It’s been 9 months since we agreed to stay friends. It’s been 5 months that we’ve been seeing each other in person. Is it a conversation? Do I just go for it knowing he is anxious about it? Do I ask him if he’s ready? I’ve done the no contact for days at a time and we never get further than five days without him checking in. I am the initiator for us to spend time. Always. But it’s always been that way due to his job and kids. Help. I feel like it’s getting to the place where one of us has to say something.
It sounds like he’s just not that into you.
this is my ex send it to me :- I would recommend you to forget about me and go out of our dead love story.You should find some other girl. I don’t love you anymore and I really don’t want to come back to you. I feel very happy now, after breaking up with you, I feel like I can breathe by full chest finally. Only now I am feeling myself alive. But with you till the end I was like a dead soul in alive body. Only now I can feel how all my vital energy comes back to me and I can reconstruct my life after our relationships. I feel like I have a wings after I broke up with you. So, there is no any chance that I will come back to you. No even single chance. You should move on.
and after this message I send to her that :-
Sorry just today I saw your message right now i was so busy with work and taking care of parents, I accept how you feel right now and I’m not going to pressure you to give me another chance anymore. I accept the break up. So, let’s just be friends. We can say hi to each other as friends, with no strings attached. We’re mature enough to do that, right? Just because we’re broken up, it doesn’t mean we can’t be mature adults about all of this and end things on a friendly note. Just as friends of course I promise. Our boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is over and I accept that. Thank you.
and after that she replied simply OK. do you think I did a big mistake by saying that just be friends. do I have any chance to be with her? it is a long distance relationship within 1 and half years of relationship I met her 4 times personally and since last December 2019 i was not able to meet her personally. what can i do now?
You sound pathetic and you’ve definitely fucked up. If she’s interested, she’ll come looking for you. Otherwise, focus on yourself.
Thank you for the advice in this article, its exactly what i needed to hear.
My Ex and i broke up around November last year and i moved out and had zero contact for four to five months then he came back we slipped into old routine of us being together, the decided that we’d be friends with benefits which just grew my feelings more and sent me back in a full circle. Now we have just hes asked to be friends without sex and intimacy i was super hesitant but id give it ago and if it gets too much ill pull the pin.
i definitely want more but like you said he need to be the one making all the effort and making that decision.
We have been together for 7 months, we have been very happy but she never wanted a proper relationship. Also because I was meant to leave the country at some point.
She told me that she misses me, she thinks about me and that she still want to stay in touch and keep talking to me. She says that although there was confusion it doesn’t mean that feeling were not real and bla, bla, bla…
I’m more invested than her in this relationship, and I never liked the way I felt in it: often unreciprocated. Too much uncertainty and doubts from her side.
I told her that I wished more for us, that I like her as a person but that I need time on my own. I jumped in no contact after that.
After reading this article I might have made a mistake. Because I rejected her friendship and now I feel I will have no chance to talk to her anymore.
No mate, sounds like you stood up for yourself. She was stringing you alone. She tells you she doesn’t want a proper relationship but tells you she thinks about you and misses you? It sounds like she has no idea what she wants and is stringing you along for the ride.
If you didn’t distance yourself from her, you would be in this turmoil between friends and you wanting more. That is not fair on you and you deserve someone who actually wants to be with you!
Good luck out there and remember to respect yourself. Never give yourself away to someone who won’t value you.
i just broke up with my girlfriend because she chose to date her ex over me, asking if i’d let her give her and her ex’s relationship another shot. but now i miss her so much and can’t do anything much because i live in a different city as she is. i want to get her back, if it’s possible i’ll work it out. but the thing is, since we’re living in a different city and i only get back there to further my study, how do i get her back? we agreed to be friends like how we used to. what kind of conversation should i initiate after ending the no contact?
Have you even read the advice on this website? You don’t initiate shit. She LEFT YOU for someone she thinks will make her happier. If she’s interested in hopping back in the sack with you, she will let you know. Until then, focus on yourself.
I have a question about the “I can’t be your friend because I still have feelings for you. Message me if you change your mind,” script where I feel like I didn’t have another option.. if I could please get your help.
My ex and I were together for 17 years. We’re both 34 and we were never married because neither of us were interested in it. He broke up with me in late Nov. definitely suffering from GiGS but also because throughout our whole relationship I’d been the one to support us with my career, which I’d developed, while he’d dropped out of college to work on writing a novel, which at the time he thought was going to be his career. Fast forward and he realized he was actually regretting the fact that he’d never been single (GiGS), and he’d never proven to himself that he could live and survive on his own. He said he loved his life with me but he wasn’t proud of himself for it.
I did a pretty good job keeping it together, all things considered, however he wanted to remain friends and I agreed. He texted me almost every day (I rarely initiated the conversations) and it was feeling like nothing had changed except we weren’t romantically involved, living together, etc. but he was still adamant about not wanting a relationship and just wanting to be single (the conversation where he would say that only came up about once or twice and it was at his initiation of asking how I was really doing, etc.); this went on for a few months. Obviously this kinda drove me nuts, so I told him I needed space.
He respected it and we didn’t talk for about a month (end of Feb to the end of March) when it was broken by him reaching out and saying “Hey, you’ll let me know if/when you want to talk again right?” I responded warmly, asking if everything was all right etc. I expressed that I didn’t know if I could be friends and I didn’t know what I wanted, and I was trying to figure that out. He said he still didn’t want a relationship but just wanted to enjoy each other’s company in the present and not think about the future, but that it was our shared history, experiences, hobbies, etc. that made him reach out to me. He said it didn’t matter if he wanted more because he was determined to reach his goal of finding some success and happiness on his own.
We started talking again, him back to messaging me almost every day and things almost feeling like nothing had changed… except he was a bit more guarded and kind of cold, which I felt was odd considering he was the one to reach out and the one to initiate our conversations basically daily. We talked for a couple more weeks, at the end of which I had to tell him that I couldn’t just accept friendship because our shared history, experiences, hobbies, etc. (the things he mentioned before) made me want more. I was very kind and said a lot of positive things, but I ended it by saying that if he reevaluated or decided he wanted to explore more than friendship to let me know, but otherwise I hoped things went great for him and that he found what he was looking for.
You said in the article that it’s cold, etc. to say you can’t be friends because of feelings and to message if they change their mind, and that you should accept friendship and lay low. However he was messaging me every day, so I feel like if I’d just kept not really engaging in the conversations and sort of shutting him down with short answers that would have been bad.. so I feel like I kind of had to tell him I couldn’t accept friendship etc. but now I’m second guessing myself.
Did I do the right thing? What should I have done?
Thanks
Hi Emily!
I hope You’re doing fine.
From my point of view (similar situation going on, half the years compared to Yours under same roof, married) You did the right thing. The aggregator for me here is the “pestering” of Your ex which is doing no good to You. It’s much like heavy breadcrumbing and You needed to set some boundaries to get space and time heal, to move on. In the earlier situation Your ex was picking the cherries from the pie, he took what he absolutely needed from You, without giving much back, without investing on You. I assume he lately was scared to get involved with You more seriously and that is why it was easier to just take whatever was available, which probably was just enough for him.
I’m intending to tell my ex (Her, the dumper) tomorrow that i need space and time to get myself back together and that i would appreciate if She doesn’t contact me for some time, at all. I know She will ask for what the time scale may be and for that i intend to answer that i don’t know, only time will tell. If She keeps still pestering me, i will be more direct with Her and even block Her, if required.
My best wishes to You, Emily!
My ex broke up with me for reasons i still dont understand but the main thing was that shes doesnt want to be in a realtionship (despite being with me for a year and half) she stated that she wants to be friends and that it will take some time but im angry and still in love with her, she ghosted me after she dumped me for weeks and still has me blocked on everything, she has made me feel horrible about myself the vagueness in the break up has led me to blame myself for all of it. Its been over an month now and she seems fine , still hasnt unblocked me while im messages her on new instagram accounts telling her how i feel and unsending them before she sees it .
I dont know what to do.
ANY ADVICE WOULD BE GREATLY APPRENTICED
BIll.
Honestly Bill, you and I are going through the exact same thing the only difference is that I got dumped in January, ghosted in February by changing his number. He jumped into the first relationship he found and immediately moved in together…taking trips the works when he did none of this for me although I bought gifts to make him feel appreciated…I held him down when he was in financial crisis at one point and no one was in his corner but me. I fell head over heels in love and although we dated only a few months he seemed so perfect until he left. I made him breakfast in bed every morning etc I tried my best to be the best woman honestly. Thing is before he ghosted me he lead me on after the break up and I was under the impression he was coming back. Now he started contacting me alot through out the last months trying so hard to be friends and seems he is trying to make me a back up….he all of a sudden wants sex and honestly I wanted him back so badly I almost did under I asked if he lived her and he said yes….so why are you on the phone with me? He said he didnt know…that was my last straw I said if you dont want to be with me leave me alone and my advice to you Bill is…if she didnt see your worth the first time around find someone who will because something tells me you know she doesnt deserve you.
My ex says she has moved on. And doesn’t want to see me again. She is like she gets irritated when she see my name but still follows me on social media. And seriously I want to get her back. But I don’t understand if she doesn’t want any kind of relation with me then why does she follows me on social media?
Hello Sir!
My girlfriend broke up with me around 50 days ago. She reason was I lied to her 2-3 times and she is also saying she doesn’t feel for me anymore. We were dating for almost 2-3 years. She tells me she doesn’t want me anymore. She gets irritated when she see’s my name or hear my voice. She also tells me she wants to explore. She told me she has forgive me for lying but asks me sometimes the reason behind that. She says if we are meant to be together we will be in future. Sir I really love and I want her back. Will you please guide me to get her back?
I’ve been in this situation and here is my story and advice:
I was dating someone, it was going really well in my opinion and he ended up abruptly ending things with me but immediately wanted to remain friends. Like he would message me as though the break-up never happened i.e.: responding to my cooking posts and sending funny memes. Immediately, I told him to stop that and to kindly give me some space to process and heal from the break-up. Perhaps later down the line, we could explore the possibility of friendship.
He gave me one week and came back to talk to me. I thought I had sufficiently healed and didn’t want to be rude so I would respond back but keep things short and simple. I never initiated conversation. Eventually, we just got comfortable talking like friends.
One month later, he starts flirting. My heart was still in it. I still had feelings for him. At that point, I flat out told him that I’m incapable of just having sex with him because all the feelings I worked so hard to bottle up and push down would surface again. There was no way I could have sex with him without wanting to also cuddle and be held by him. Absolutely, no way. Knowing that, I resisted the urge.
Things went back to normal with us talking as just friends. And I was going on dates and getting to know other guys as well. However, I feel like I couldn’t commit myself fully to anything as part of me was still attached to him, hoping that somehow he would realize that we’re great together and want to be together again. But then again, the flirting started. It’s like it couldn’t be helped between us. The friendship naturally flowed, the flirting was mutual. It was almost like we were a couple minus actually being a couple.
One day, he sent me over something with a kiss in it and I sort of just lost it. It was clear at that after months, I was still not over him because he never gave me the space I required. Plus he bombarded me with lovely dovey, hope-giving talk to keep me hooked on him. It was so hard, but I cut him out of my life permanently by telling him up front and removing him from social media, etc.
He did not respect the boundaries I had set and kept pushing at them with the hopes that I would give in. I truly cared about him and it was incredibly hard for me throughout our interactions to be curt with him. However, I knew that any kind of interaction with him is toxic for my life. He obviously had no value and respect for me. Finally, I just gave up on him. I realized that not only did I not want to be his friend, but that I would never get back together with him.
My advice is to cut them out immediately to lessen the pain both of you will probably feel months later when you have no choice but to do it.
Around two months ago, my ex boyfriend left me, and wasn’t very clear on why. He was just giving me excuses upon excuses, that I would make him feel bad at times, regardless of it being a joke and him acknowledging that. He decided to dump me less than a week after we had sex for the first time together – and it really hurts. I still don’t understand why, it was never explained to me. After ghosting me and treating me like a stranger for two months, he’s told me he wants to be friends, that he’s sorry, he’s ashamed, and that he knows it will take a long time but he wants to try. That he isn’t ready for a relationship with anyone anytime soon because of his inability to express his emotions and to stand up for himself. I’m super lost and have no idea what to do here. He’s been texting me like everything’s normal and like we’re just as familiar as before, when that’s in no way the case. He still follows me on social media and uses my posts as an in to talk to me. I’m positive he stalks. I just don’t know what he wants, but I’m terrified of coming off as rude or like I don’t care – and then again, I don’t owe him anything and he put me through hell. I don’t know what to think or feel. I’m just angry, and I’m still sad.
Hi Emma,
I’ve been in a similar situation. Do not let him fool you. I’ll post my story soon.
Mash
My girlfriend broke up with me. She doesn’t have the feelings she use to and also she doesn’t care. But she has offered friendship and I have accepted it. So what should I do next?
Hi Sanket.
There’s not much you can do. Be her friend and work on letting go of her.
Kind regards,
Zan
So me and my ex broke up about 2 months ago, we had no contact as was blocked on all social media platforms. We’ve recently been talking again and it has been quite flirty/sexual. We have met and had sex, and they were saying they were happier with me and regretted the decision to end things more than not regretting it. After I told her about something that had happened when I was single with someone else they said they just wanted to be friends and still want to be on their own. Can you help me out as I would still love to be able to make things work even if it takes time.
My ex started to be cold with me and i didn’t understand why until i chatted with his friend once and he advised me to move on and suggested we become friends, i guess he asked his friend to tell me this because he was afraid to do it on his own
So basically i ended the relationship when I was the one hurting, he said he wanted to talk to me about it and it’s good that we are friends now but after just few minutes i realized i don’t want to be frie friends it will just hurt more (especially that his friend mentioned that he moves on quickly..) i told him that he asked why then we ended contact for good
After a week his friend came texting me asking me how I’m doing i said i’m good mentally and physically i’m getting to know myself again i’m moving on making new friends he said good to hear that,, then he proceeded telling me about my ex told me he returned to hus ex gf but she’s not good for him, told me that he visited the hospital told me that he still mad at himself for ruining our relationship and he wishes for us to be friends again, i told him i’m not a venting place and i don’t want to be on his mind only when he wants to pour his problems and sadness then leaves for his gf to have fun and be happy i told him i don’t hate him and i wish the best for him and he shud move on
He told me my ex keeps asking about me and talking about me all the time and that he didn’t stop loving me but loves me differently he told me he will inform my ex that i don’t wanna be friends .. I don’t want to settle for that
It still hurts to think about him with his ex, i just don’t know what to do…
My ex reached out to be last week and I told her I wasn’t really prepared to be friends, and that I tried before with a previous ex and I couldn’t make it work because it hurt too much. Was this a mistake? I really don’t want to be her friend, she lied and cheated on me and was generally a total nightmare immediately post breakup, telling me to give her space and then texting me the next day. But I still love her, and I really just want her back. She’s also currently or only recently broken up with the person she cheated on me with (in fact I believe she texted me only days after she split up with him, at least for the time being).
What should I do?
I really feel this route is good when you have done some healing and accepting on your end …it will be less about improving you and what messed up the relationship in the first place but more about trying to not mess up this friendship …this is a good idea but not straight after a break up …you will be wallowing and crying why he isnt replying your text while he is online …..my ex and I were together ,and we broke up and after 5 days of no contact he reached out and said he found out I was hospitalized, why didnt i tell him because he thought we had a serious bond despite him dumping me ..and to be honest ,that is what I would have loved and I told him that I wasnt ready yet for us to be in each others lives unless we were in a relationship and I felt bad like I am not taking the little he is giving me but I know I love him and I am not strong enough to even have this man around me and see him as a friend…we were each others best friends a d he would probably want to spend time with me …as great as that sounds ,I know it wouldnt be enough for me and as a result ,ruin the bond we have …..
I’m in a bit of a dilemma so any help would be much appreciated 🙂
Last year I started liking this guy and it was mutual. We never made it official but it was pretty clear we were together- always texting, always seeing each other, making time for each other, gifts, deep thoughtful conversations. It was my first time ever opening up to someone like that and having such a deep connection. This lasted for a few months.
We were both looking for something long term and when we looked that far it didn’t seem like it was going to work out- so it broke off (more so because I brought it up and maybe even initiated the break up as I didn’t see the point in leading each other on) . We didn’t speak for a while but we both have mutual friends, so from them it was clear he was going through things as was I.
We did eventually speak again and became friends really quickly and everything seemed to turn back to the way it was. It was like the elephant in the room, we’re not together but we’re doing everything a couple would. Looking back it was probably the most stupidest thing I’ve done- but we learn somehow.
We were like that for a while until I noticed a change. Less compliments, less attention being paid, it just felt different. I put it down to he’s moving on and doesn’t feel anything anymore- but then he would confuse me by throwing in a compliment here and there, keeping close physical contact and still more gifts. I wish I’d put my foot down and said he’s breaching the line between friend and boyfriend- but I never did, I enjoyed the attention and would throw it off as it’s not serious.
So I continued to feel the change, there was times be became more friends but still things that breached that line. Recently I get a text saying from him “I like someone else and I told her and it’s mutual”. Initially felt nothing and just said really happy for you, I hope it works out. Afterwards it hit me hard, just wow like what- did I just get played, like how am I in this position. Like how an earth has he got someone- like had he been seeing her? talking to her? and well there I was- guess I brought it upon myself, I mean we weren’t official but still how could you forget everything?…
So I assumed well that’s that- he’s going to be really busy now..has someone new to talk to and occupy his time with. But can somebody please help as to why he still texting me asking me how I am and how my day was and if I’ve eaten… like I’m confused… F*** off are you really going to pretend everything is just normal and I’m going to just be sitting here so you can occupy your time with me when your’re not with her. I don’t think so. Not a chance. I haven’t initiated any conversations, he’s initiated them all and I definitely will not be meeting up with him. So now I turn to everyone else? what should I do and how?
Please help 🙂
A very confused individual
Maria
Hi dear. I read your comment here. And the part that hurts. All of it. And the “i like someone else” text it’s so thoughtless. Wow. I take it in a manner that the person who sent it could be well not aware of things like you are. You picked up on it. That which you finally get out of it is the reality. He might not have meant it but that’s what it is. To “like someone else” vs ‘like someone told her and it’s mutual’ would have had a different meaning. It’s like there’s you and someone else and I’m choosing someone else even though here are more compliments that are for a lover. That hurt me to see that. If i received that as a text I’d probably stop responding.
I have been out of a relationship for almost a year. Her and i were together almost 6yrs. I initiated the break up. I hoped it would shake things up. It certainly did but she admitted that she wasn’t strong enough to fix things about what was going on and i had to accept that it would never be right. I had to do the hard thing and let go of someone i will be hurting for. We started not seeing eye to eye for years. I held her hand and broke the news. It was a mess. We cried. We still message but most the time she wants money and i eventuallyhave given less. That’s where I’m still stupid. I still see things i could have done better and wish i could but i don’t know if we’d ever meet in the middle again.
Hope this helps
cyber hug
My ex hid his relationship from me. When I confronted him, he wanted to talk and had the nerves to still wanna be friends. I told him no. What I look like being his friend knowing he with someone else. His defense is that I’m friends with my ex’s.
My ex broke up with me just because of caste issues, I am from India and here casteism runs like hell. I really love him a lot, but he doesn’t seem to take a stand for me, like either he doesn’t have the courage or whatsoever. He is really close to his mom, yet, he didn’t tell her about us. He had suggested friendship with me, but I do not want to feel like garbage or shit kind of in a corner and see him getting along with someone else. I don’t want anyone else apart from him. I really love him. Even I want him to work towards rekindling and speaking again to his parents about us. This is like a huge trauma to me.
hi, i am from India too, my ex did pulled the same thing. He didn’t take a stand for me.You can text me on Insta @quaintrellelove let me help you
I knew a wonderful girl back in May 2019 and we got together in July. We hit it off almost right away and did so much stuff together. She moved in with me bt bit by bit and was staying at my place 5 days a week from Aug/Sep. We went for a short trip to a neighbouring country, had movie nights, talked about our future, went to get our fortunes read, got to know each other’s family and friends (more of mine). In Dec she went for a short trip to a neighbouring country with a guy friend (triple checked nothing to do with him, he’s just a good old friend) to meet up with the rest of the group (about 8 of them?) and we were still “baby-ing” each other on texts. All the way till she reached home on christmas day morning she still updated me “baby I’m home” etc. and in the afternoon she called to apologise to say she cannot continue the relationship anymore – it’s not because of anybody or me but it’s all her. she has issues and she had the same bad gut feeling she had with 2 other exes so she had to pull the plug. we decided to remain friends and she insisted she really wanted me at least as a friend. she says we both weren’t and are still not ready for a relationship as we have issues with security and when she needs emotional support I cant give it all to her as I’m needy as well and she has to use her remaining strength to lift me up too.
fast forward to a month later, today, I am still giving her daily morning calls, helping her with her work and upcoming business. I may never fully understand the entire ordeal but I am willing to do this because to me she is worth my time and effort. your thoughts or advice? it hurts much lesser now by the way and I am coping relatively well alone.