If you begged and pleaded with your ex after the breakup and pushed your ex away, try not to worry too much about that right now. What’s done is done. Worrying about it is not going to help make things better. It’s just going to make you overthink and cause you to make even more mistakes.
It’s important to note that most dumpees do a little bit of begging and pleading during or after the breakup. They do it because the pain of rejection overwhelms them and forces them to reason with their ex. Little do they know that reasoning with the dumper does the opposite for their ex as it smothers the dumper and makes him or her want to be alone even more.
I’m not telling you this so you can blame yourself for your mistakes. I want you to know that you’re not alone as dumpees all over the world tend to make at least some breakup mistakes.
Typical post-breakup mistakes include begging and pleading, writing letters, buying an expensive ring, showing up unannounced, sending gifts, talking to the dumper’s friends and family, texting paragraphs of texts, and threatening or taking revenge.
Yes, some dumpees are in so much pain that they take revenge. They hope to see their ex react strongly with the intention to see that they can still influence their ex. For some dumpees, revenge is the only method left for making their ex respond to them.
You probably didn’t make any mistakes like that because your intentions were good, but you did some begging and pleading. You wanted your ex to think about leaving you and then return. But if you want your ex to respect you, you have to stop making these mistakes.
You have to acknowledge that your ex is detached and try to let go of control. Learning to let go of your ex is the solution to most of your problems.
In this article, we’ll discuss what begging does to the dumper and whether you ruined things with your ex.
The victim mentality
Right after the breakup, dumpees often think to themselves, “If I give my ex more love and attention, my ex will also give me more of the same. If I can prove how serious I am about the relationship, my ex will also take me seriously.”
But because dumpers are emotionally depleted and done with the relationship, they don’t feel the urge to “give more.” They feel a ton of negative emotions instead and think that their ex doesn’t understand them and respect them.
As a result, they refuse to take responsibility for their actions and develop what we call the victim mentality. This mentality makes them blame their ex for the breakup and tells them to avoid their ex like the plague. Avoiding their ex helps them have fewer uncomfortable moments with their ex and encourages them to think only about themselves.
You see, when the breakup happens, dumpers don’t want to think about their ex’s problems and concerns. They wish to prioritize themselves and live life as free spirits. If their ex makes it hard for them to do that, they tend to feel smothered and unhappy and may even do something their ex doesn’t want them to do.
Sometimes they also feel guilty because they feel bad that their ex is in so much pain while they’ve already moved on. But that doesn’t mean they come back. You’d think that guilt is something your ex needs to return, but guilt is a very bad emotion. It can make dumpers feel responsible for helping their ex when all they want is to look after themselves.
This obligation to help can make them angry and cause them to keep their ex far away from them.
So if you begged and pleaded with your ex for another chance, keep in mind that begging tends to obstruct the dumper’s freedom and happiness. It forces the dumper to think about you even though he or she is trying to get some space and distance.
Because your ex is in a position of power (feels angry, smothered, or disrespected), your denial and persistence can bring an unwanted reaction out of your ex and wound you badly.
You need to be aware of this so you stop begging immediately. You’ll likely have days when you feel like you can’t go on without your ex, but as difficult as your post-breakup life is, you mustn’t make your ex think that you rely on him or her for happiness.
Your ex must think that you’re handling the breakup well so that your ex avoids feeling guilty and admires your strength and determination.
I begged and pleaded with my ex. How badly did I mess it up?
If you begged and pleaded with your ex after the breakup, it’s not the end of the world. You need to remind yourself that although begging wasn’t the best thing to do, you were merely fighting for what you strongly believed in.
You were trying to prove your love and commitment to your ex even though you went about it the wrong way. A much better approach would have been no contact as leaving your ex to his or her devices would have made your ex feel in control of his or her life and allowed your ex to process breakup emotions.
Now that you begged, there’s no point in beating yourself up over it. You can’t change the past, but you can learn that begging doesn’t work and that the key to leaving a good impression on your ex is presenting yourself as an individual with confidence and high self-esteem.
Your ex’s respect for you is already at an all-time low, so you mustn’t decrease it to the point where your ex can walk all over you and get away with it. That won’t impress your ex. It will make your ex lose interest (more interest) and walk away without ever feeling nostalgic about the relationship.
Always remember that it was okay for you to make mistakes. You didn’t know better or lacked self-control at the time. But once you’ve made a mistake and learned that you shouldn’t have made it, you must work on yourself and do your best not to repeat it. A big part of life is to learn from missteps and improve your shortcomings.
The more things you work on, the fewer mistakes you’ll make in your relationships and after your relationships have ended. So take your errors lightly but also very seriously.
Forgive yourself for making them, but also figure out why you made them and how you can avoid making them in the future.
Begging your ex for another chance seldom works
Begging for another chance works when your ex is still committed to you. That’s when your ex will listen to most things you say and see that you care and want to make things work. But after the breakup, begging does the opposite for your ex as your ex no longer wants you to fight for the relationship.
Your ex wants you to give up because that’s exactly what your ex did. Your ex showed you the relationship has ended and that you mustn’t try to oppose your ex’s premeditated decision. Resisting it won’t make your ex feel special—just unheard.
Here’s what begging and pleading does to your ex.
Crying your eyes out and hoping your ex will pity you and want you back is not a very good ex-back strategy. That’s because reasoning with the dumpee in any way at all goes against the dumper’s wishes and triggers his or her repressed anger and/or contempt.
Your ex will respect you a lot more if you accept the breakup as quickly as possible and let your ex come to you. It won’t be easy to let go of your ex and embrace the unknown, but that’s the only way your ex will ever feel something positive for you again. Your ex might not come back because of it, but your ex will at the very least think more fondly of you.
Can begging and pleading change your ex’s perception of you?
Sadly, begging and pleading won’t change your ex’s perception of you for the better. It will worsen it because your ex will remember the last time he/she saw you/heard from you and want to avoid feeling the kind of emotions he or she felt when you begged.
Here’s how begging and pleading with the dumper changes your persona in the dumper’s eyes.
Whenever you feel the urge to turn into a beggar and beg your ex for another chance, remind yourself that begging and pleading will only push your ex away and cause a lot of long-term damage. And some of that damage will, unfortunately, be irreparable or extremely difficult to fix.
But the worst of all isn’t that your actions will change your ex’s perception of you.
The thing that you should be the most scared of is that you could unintentionally ruin your perception of yourself. If you allow yourself to plead with your ex for another chance, you could seriously damage your self-esteem and develop trust issues and mental health problems.
And that’s not what you want.
You don’t want to complicate your life because of your ex. You want to grow from this experience and trust people with your emotions.
Begging will make you want to beg more
If you’re begging your ex for love and attention and aren’t getting what you need, you’re going to want to beg even more. When you get rejected, you’ll get hurt and need your ex to come back and love you.
Continuous begging will keep you hooked on your ex and force your ex to reject you over and over again.
Here’s a picture of what a never-ending cycle of begging looks like.
Every time your ex rejects you, he or she hurts you deeper and causes more long-term suffering.
And the more you suffer, the more you’ll think that talking your ex into getting back with you is going to work. But in reality, evoking negative feelings never works.
Happiness, confidence, high self-esteem, lots of dating options, success in life, a fit body, a promising job, lots of friends, a happy family, and everything positive is what it takes to attract the right kind of individual.
That’s why crying to your ex accomplishes the opposite of what you’re trying to achieve. It gives your ex reasons not to love you and reduces the chances of your ex coming back now and in the future.
Keep in mind that your ex left because he or she was unhappy and that when you show unhappiness, you basically confirm that your ex made the right decision to leave you.
By begging and crying, you don’t show that you care. You show your ex that you lack what it takes to be happy with what you have and on your own. And your ex knows that a person who can’t be happy on his or her own won’t make him or her happy either.
That person will over-rely on him or her for happiness and success in life.
So if your ex is happy and you’re miserable, it’s highly unlikely that your ex will want to be with you. The happiness scale has to flip upside down (your ex must become unhappy) for your ex to consider you a viable dating option.
That’s because your ex needs to develop the desire to get something from you.
Begging will ruin your health
If you’re begging your ex to come back, you need to stop. You must realize that begging and pleading is not going to work and that you’ll ruin your health and well-being in the process.
Begging and pleading likely won’t kill you, but it will greatly affect your self-esteem and trust in people. So before you let it get that far, seek professional help if you need to and solve your internal conflicts.
You must understand that people beg exes because they’re hurt, not because their exes are the best human beings. If you understand that, you’ll focus on yourself rather than your ex and process the breakup quicker.
So keep in mind that begging your ex to be with you will have bad consequences on your body and mind.
Here’s an infographic explaining the effects of prolonged begging and pleading.
You’ll probably find it extremely challenging to stop begging and pull away from your ex at first, but try to gather your strength and do it anyway. You can start by following the infamous 30-day no contact rule and focus on yourself rather than your ex.
Focus on your recovery because that will help you detox and detach from your ex. No matter how hard no contact is. you need to convince yourself that reaching out first is meaningless and that it’s your ex’s turn to show interest and affection.
It can’t be the other way around anymore as it’s time to get your lost power back.
I begged with my ex back. Is it too late?
I can’t say whether you pushed your ex to the point of no return, but I can tell you that excessive begging and pleading tends not to end well.
That’s because exes have only so much patience before they get tired, irritated, and give up.
Your ex is currently in a very tired state. He or she can’t handle any obstructions and delays. Every time you exude desperation, you look more unattractive and make your ex want to run for the hills.
As a dumpee, your goal is to take care of your persona (the way your ex sees you). You have to keep it the way it was when you got dumped. Staying composed could help you achieve that goal as it could tell your ex you respect yourself and that you won’t beg anyone for attention.
Not even an ex who blindsided you.
A little bit of begging shouldn’t completely ruin your chances, but if you begged a lot, it may have annoyed your ex too much to respect you, become nostalgic, and crave the things you have to offer. For now, try not to worry about that. You need to focus on self-reflection and improving yourself.
Can I get my ex back after begging for months?
If you begged with your ex for months and showed no respect for yourself and your ex, things don’t look very good right now. Your ex would have to be an extremely understanding and emotionally mature person not to get offended by your actions.
He or she would have to understand breakups and respect you no matter what you say and do.
But most dumpers, unfortunately, aren’t like that. They get tired and annoyed very quickly—and tend to block their dumpee and move on to someone else.
The only thing that could bring your ex back after begging for months is your ex getting involved with a highly incompatible person and realizing that you were much better in comparison. That could trigger your ex’s anxiety and make him or her come running.
I strongly encourage you not to keep waiting for your ex that long. Try to detach rather than stay attached so you can get your happiness back regardless of whether your ex comes back or not.
Here’s a video with some tips you can follow whether you begged, blocked your ex, or made other post-breakup mistakes.
Did you beg and plead with your ex? How long did you beg for? Leave your comment below and ask us any questions you’d like.
And if you wish to discuss your begging on call or by email, sign up for a session here.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.
Hello,
My ex and I dated for about 2.5 years. We were really good friends before and we took a lot of time (4-5 months) before taking it serious. She was my best friend we pretty much did everything together everyday. We did argue a lot and impulsively break up it would get back together and at times it did become a cycle. When things were good they were great but and we expressed a lot of love for each other, when they were bad the bad didn’t last very long but it happened more than once. Eventually I started a new job in a new field and it made me very insecure about myself and that bled into our relationship. Her best friend (our mutual friend) eventually was talking bad about me and I cut her off cause it hurt. My ex would tell me that she would tell her to break up with me every time something was bad, and that was endured up to point I made a few crucial mistakes like acting like I didn’t care. She broke up with me about 4 months ago and at first she said it was a break, I was begging and pleading and crying because she made me very happy and I couldn’t get out of my own way. Eventually she broke it off completely after a few desperate attempts by me but said one day she does want to reconnect but it will take a long time to heal. We did no contact for a month and after I told her I still cared and would like to talk about us (even told her we don’t have to talk again if that’s what she liked) she ignored me and then posted a picture with another guy on her Instagram. I was crushed and I unadded her on everything cause I felt I didn’t need to see that and it wasn’t good for me. This was about a month ago and since then she has been posting subliminal messages through songs on her snap stories and even posted them to her public snap so I could see it in case I was looking her up ( I was). It was songs about reconnecting but scared of being rejected. I know I’m stuck in a cycle of overthinking this, but why would she do this if she’s with someone else? I do want this girl to be apart of my life in some capacity because she was special to me and still is. I’m afraid my begging and pleading has pushed her to repulse me. I’ve read your no contact articles and I’m fully set on using it indefinitely until she reaches out. I’m afraid that won’t work though even as being a friend.
Hi John.
This unhealthy cycle of breaking up and getting back together had to end. You developed a toxic bond that pulled you toward each other for the wrong reasons. I know you had good times too, but they don’t matter that much. The fact that you argued in such ways and broke up tells me everything I need to know. She decided to try her luck elsewhere. Whether she succeeds is anyone’s guess.
She’s not posting things for you. She’s doing it for herself.
Kind regards,
Zan
I understand and that was also brought up in the break up discussion and I agree with it, hope I get the chance to talk when I’m better that’s all
I hope so, John.
But if you don’t, you’ll be okay too!
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan
I have been in a relationship with this man for 6 months but it has been on and off… what I mean is that he has been breaking up with me on small issues or misunderstandings and then apologize and we get back together but recently he was texting another girl and I found out so I tried to calmly ask him what he really wanted out of the relationship or whether he’s happy with me because I was feeling hurt. He instead became defensive and tried to gaslight me, I asked him why he was doing that in my presence and he just got angry and told me we should end the relationship. I cried out of pain because I couldn’t believe he choose another woman that fast.. so out of pity he tried to calm me down denying everything and lying in my face. I later left his house and went to my place. I started no contact for four days straight but the pain was unbearable and I was missing him so much that I ended up contacting him again, we met, talked a little and I brought the break issues again and I cried again… he apologized for everything that caused the breakup and said he loved me but he needed like two days to sort himself out. I told him to be straight with me if he truly doesn’t want me in his life because no man asks for space from their partner unless if it’s an indirect break up. He then told me, it’s fine we can start the relationship afresh but I should trust him and that he’s going to make sure we are happy and that I should also do my part and that he is sorry for everything that has happened that was 2 days ago. The problem is, I feel like I forced him to take me back…should I do no contact again to get my power back in the relationship or it won’t work? Will he ever respect me again and truly love me? I feel bad for breaking the no contact very quickly. What should I do? I’m so confused but I love him, I feel the way I handled the whole situation was wrong.😔
Regards,
Leilah
Hi Leilah.
I’m sorry to say this but the guy sounds immature and won’t stay with you forever. He doesn’t understand that texting other girls is wrong and that he needs to focus on you and stop hurting you. You’re right, no man asks for space from their partner. Not unless he wants to break up.
I fear that his habit of breaking up with you is only going to get worse. Eventually, you’ll break up for good. That’s why you should detach and leave before he leaves you.
The problem isn’t with you, Leilah. It’s his lack of (emotional) maturity and willingness to do what’s needed of him.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Me and my ex had broken up over a month ago, at first our relationship was like magic we were together for almost 3 years. After year 2 was when she was constantly breaking up with me over little things and then eventually she really broke up with me and told me that she never got to explore her new self and that we got together so fast (she has lost alot of weight at the time we met so I was assuming that’s what she meant) for the past month I been talking to her here and there trying to see if she would want to try this again. She told me that the reason she left is because she felt that god wanted her out of the relationship. You see she was big on god and wanted him in the center of our relationship, I told her I’d give it a shot as I felt that it was a sign since my family wanted me to have more faith in the lord. I told her that I’ve been trying to seek him and I would love to take this journey together with her. Over the weekend I reached out to her again asking her to hang out she responded that she was not sure about that and didn’t answer why but did ask what would be different about the relationship, I told her what I thought and asked her what she wanted, but no reply.. I then reached out again telling her that I didn’t want her to go, that I still wanted this she told me she understands and that she wants me to be patient with everything because she is trying to figure this all out and doesn’t want to rush anything. I told her I understand only to text her again 2 days later where she sent this text to me “John, to be honest with you. I am currently really not interested in trying to go back to this relationship, I truly just want to be left alone. I don’t know about tomorrow, I can’t for tell the future, if things are meant to be between us then they will” I don’t know what to do.. I feel like all hope is lost.
Hi Jonathan.
You mustn’t contact your ex ever again. She told you multiple times that she was unsure about getting back together (that she didn’t want you back) and that she wanted space. Your ex would have initiated conversations and asked you back if she had feelings. You didn’t have to keep asking her to reconsider.
From now on, give her space and focus on yourself. You have to get yourself back if you want to be happy again. Your ex can’t help you with this. She’s the cause of it.
Sincerely,
Zan
Thank you for the answer, I’ll keep away from texting her and give her the space she’s asked for. I honestly wonder if there’s ever a chance she’ll come back, I don’t know if I pushed things to the point of no return. I really love this woman and I would love to work on things in the future. Do you think giving time and space may open another chance, or did I pushed too far? Is it possible she never told me she loves me because she didn’t want me to get my hopes up?
Hi Jonathan.
There’s always a chance. But despite that, you shouldn’t hold on to it. You must learn to let go and let the universe take care of it. Giving her time is all you can do. It’s what she asked for. It’s not that you pushed too far but that she detached and lost interest. Wait for her to make the first move.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hello. My girlfriend left me a month ago. Our relation was complicated. I think we had a toxic relationship and we emotionaly abused each other. We were togheter for 1,5 years and we argued a lot about everything, i always loved her but i was being immature and pushed her away. Her friends and her mother always told her to get rid of me. We broke up 2 times already and she forgave me. But this time we argued and i found she thought about the breakup a long time and found another. I beged her to come back and she ignored me. Then i went no contact 3 weeks till she send me a message to see how i was, i did not respond that day, and the next day i called her, i was calm and confident and spoke half and hour about other things, not the relation. Then after 1 hour i showed up at ther house (big mistake i know) and told her that i want her back. She told me that her relation with the new guy have some setbacks (she did not specify) that i was better than him, but she makes her happy because they have activity (i frequently just wanted to stay home with her). The next day i message her to met for a cofee, we talked, she said she will think about it, will stop talking to the other guy, and give her space. In evening i maned up and told her i cant wait for someone to love me and i blocked her, she came to my house, we had sex but all was awkard. She continued to tell me to give her space and time, and i mesaged her and called her for 2 days beging and crying to come back. I told her to go a concert and she refused, but then she said to go out in the evening only to ditch me 2 hours before. She messaged me i should move on. The next day i wrote her an angry letter wich a i regret. Then after 2 days i contacted her to apologize and she told me to leave her alone and now she wants a serious relationship with the new guy and to not destroy that for her. I told her i will move on and promised not to tell the new guy about our encounter. That was 10 days ago, i am in no contact, she unblocked me everywhere. I messed up the reconciliation and i think i pushed her further to the other guy, what should i do?
Hi Alex.
She came back only temporarily becauase her relationship with the new guy wasn’t working. The moment she got over that, she asked for space again and kept moving forward.
You need to stop reaching out to her. She dated another guy, which means she fell out of love and wants to do what she wants. You didn’t mess anything up. Things ended a while ago and couldn’t be fixed anymore.
Sincerely,
Zan
Thanks for the answer Zan. I know everybody tells me to move on cause she cheated, but i know how much she fought for this relationship and i was deaf. She told me that she went with the guy to move on past me. I will stay in no contact indefinetly, but do you think there is a chance she will realize this is a rebound and maybe come back?
Hi Alex.
She’ll rebound only if she still has feelings for you. Since that’s unlikely, she’ll probably have a normal relationship with him. That doesn’t, however, mean that it will last.
Best regards,
Zan
Me and my Ex had Graduation dinner celebrations. We both didn’t attend each others celebrations. I didn’t attend cause I belebrated to hard the previous night and was severely hungover. Well I went over to my ex house the house I use to live in with her. She had all my things in black bags. She said you know were to go out. We agreed on giving her space then on the eve of my birthday she says I am done with you and you have made to many mistakes. I have no more forgiveness and love to give to this relationship anymore.
We were together nearly 3 years She blocked me on everything except emails. We were in contact and she would say I dumped you because I felt extremely low when you didn’t show up that night. But ib my head I was you didn’t for mine. But she put all the blame on me.
We continued to go back and forth until she said I want to be clear I want nothing to do with you and anything more with you.
I contacted her for 5 weeks post breakup is there any chance of getting back together or should I give up on her.
Need advice as it was a messy breakup and she got mad when I asked for my bind money back and didn’t pay rent for the two weeks I got kicked out if the house in my birthday.
But I want a civil meetup with her which she refuses too I have gone nearly 6 days and she has 16 days since we last contacted each other.
What should I do date others orwait
Hi Patrick.
You shouldn’t date anyone. You’re not ready to start a new relationship. Your ex currently resents you and doesn’t want to calm down. Feeling angry gives her power and justifies her decision to leave. From now on, leave her alone and rebuild your self-esteem. Once you’re fully healed, you can start relationships with people who appreciate you.
Best,
Zan
Update she contacted my mum and said your son hasn’t respected me since the breakup. Contacting my friends and family putting me down. If he contacts me or my friends I will contact the cops.
I only contacted her because I was told by a friend that I was drugged and roofed that night. I still really love her but she has continued to ignore me.
I have gone 2 weeks since I contacted her last explaining what happened that was the reason I broke no contact. However, I do want her back but realize that is out of my control now.
It still hurts now any advice to get her back
Hi Patrick.
There’s nothing left to do now that you broke up. She feels disrespected and doesn’t want to hear from you. You must leave her alone and let her believe what she wants. Pay close attention to her behavior as it tells you how she behaves when she has power and feels angry.
Best,
Zan
I told her my mum was really unwell as they both had a relationship. No response but made it clear it wasn’t anything to do with me and her. I then sent one email I regret asking to video call etc. Moment of weakness. I am dating a girl this Saturday but I think a order may be coming my way. I’m given everything to being a great man and her friends have blocked me and taken her pitty side.
I will move on and get better and of she ever contacts me I will ignore her
Thanks Zan
I will always have a place for her in my heart. So I’m forcing myself to move on. If she comes back I will be ready to say no
Hi Patrick.
Don’t worry about your ex’s relationship with your mom. Be there for your mom and she for you. That’s all that matters now that she’s gone.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I was with my boyfriend for 4 months, although not long it was really intense. Progressed quite quickly. He ended things last week.
I have regrettably begged for about 4 days and one night sent drunken texts.
He broke up with me as he said we started arguing more which I do agree with.
He has said he’s hurting and still loves me. He has also said the thought of me meeting someone else makes him sick so I don’t understand.
Have I messed it up begging for so long?
What should I do now?
Thanks
Sarah
Hi Sarah.
You should go no contact and start moving on. If he wants you back, he knows where to find you. 4 days of begging isn’t that bad.
Stay strong!
Zan
My Ex has broken up with 5 five times about one specific thing. It is in response to her wanting to spend time with guy friends, to which I never stop her, but always comment that there is no chance they are not trying for more with her. This 5th time I didn’t mention it, and encouraged her to hang out with any friends she wanted, a month ago she had blindsided me with a breakup stating she has been seeing a therapist behind my back, because she’s unhappy and can’t forget what I did in the past (implying the male friends wanted more) and after blocked me on everything with no warning. I have begged, and to my dismay, accused her of being romantically involved with some of these guy friends since she left. she denies the accusations, but says she’s sticking to her gut and her feelings this time and wont be talking or getting back together with me. The last message I sent to her was that I swear on my life I’ll change, give her, her space, and never make her feel like she’s restricted again before starting no contact yesterday.
Is there any chance I’ll hear from her again? Even just as friends? I would like her back realistically
Hi Cody.
She seems oversensitive and fickleminded. A relationship with her will be difficult even if she comes back because her relationship mentality is awful and her ability to communicate and handle stressors even worse.
You might hear from her when she cools off.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi, I broke up with my bf of years. But I regretted and said some hurtful things when I was drunk and I begged for almost 3 weeks if we can at least heal and have a future down the line. I didn’t leave him alone for those three weeks and he said the thought of me is pure hatred and he loathes me..
How bad did I mess up and are there any chances I can reconcile and apologize for my mistakes down the line and not beg him back?
Hi Karen.
Don’t apologize to your ex. Begging was equivalent to begging, so don’t do any more of that. Instead, go no contact and stay in it for as long as you need to.
You need to wait for your ex to make a move. If that doesn’t happen, you’ll move on and find a better partner.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi, Zan!
I’ve been trying to become romantically involved with a man for about 9 months. Our relationship is a friends with benefits sort of situation, where he feels sexually attracted to me, but, as there is a 20 year gap between us, takes on a paternal role. Although he acknowledges I’m quite intelligent and attractive, he doesn’t want to have a true romantic relationship. He also doesn’t seem particularly pushy or interested in sex together, simply enjoying our friendship. It’s difficult for me, because on the one hand, I, too, feel genuine respect and interest in him outside of sex, but on the other, I daydream about us being together romantically and him yearning for me. He’s the closest I’ve felt to love. But he says there’s a gap in life experience, age, as well as some insecurities he has (“not having a good enough relationship with himself”). I feel like I’m wearing myself down. It’s been 9 months of push and pull… I didn’t beg or plead, I don’t have vengeful thoughts towards him, but he genuinely is the closest I’ve felt to love. In a way, a small way, he feels out of this world. And I keep hanging on.
Hi Mella.
Thanks for the comment.
The guy is convinced the relationship isn’t going to work for him, that’s why I encourage you to get space from him rather than wait for him to develop feelings. The truth is he would have already developed feelings if he was going to. 9 months in, he should have already become your partner and had plans for the relationship. Since he didn’t commit or at the very least, hint at wanting to be with you exclusively, it shows he doesn’t have a romantic interest in you and just wants you for sex. This likely isn’t going to change with time. At this point, he’s got issues to work through and his perception of you and the potential relationship to change.
You feel like you love him because you’re always hungry for his validation. He doesn’t give you what you want, so you stay hopeful that he’ll feel something for you one day.
In my opinion, you should stop being friends with benefits and allow yourself to detach. He’ll probably keep you around until he finds someone else.
I’m sorry for being so frank, Mella. Let me know if you have any questions or things on your mind.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi, Zan.
Thank you for the in-depth response. Your blog is the closest I’ve found to a realistic, mature analysis of breakup psychology.
It’s funny, because just a few hours after I wrote you, he informed me he was bringing it to a close. We were on again, off again, so this didn’t mean much, because he always came back, even if months of no contact had passed. And I always fell for it, because I was hoping it would happen, anyway.
I was rejected about 4-6 times. I’d ask him for a yes or no whether he has romantic feelings for me, and he’d reply that “there’s nothing to reject”. When I asked him to explain, he hang up. On various occasions, I’d ask if he likes my personality, and he’d say it’s his ideal type, I’d ask if he finds me physically attractive, and he’d say I’m gorgeous. And when I asked him if he’d be interested in a romantic relationship, he’d say it wouldn’t happen, because of some external reason, like time, place, likelihood.
Most often, though, he’d just hang up or stop talking completely, for minutes, but he wouldn’t say “I don’t find you that attractive or interesting, I’m just kind of lonely and horny and you’re my emotional cushion. You seem to want a boyfriend. I can’t do that, because I’ve been emotionally scarred by my ex. You shouldn’t change me, because I feel happier and safer by myself.”
I actually don’t know the reason he rejected me, even though it’s happened a bunch of times. I’m speculating.
Either way, I was rejected enough times that it wasn’t particularly painful this time around. The words themselves didn’t hold any weight, because every time was “final”, but I’ll admit I was an asshole this time, because I was sick of him coming back and me giving in, so I just told him I was sick of constantly trying to win him over and that I was growing resentful.
Although I don’t want to diminish his trust in people, I felt I needed to make him dislike me so I was sure he wouldn’t come back. Because even during no contact, I’d still be on my tippy toes, waiting for him. Even as I was dating other people, I’d be placing his image over them.
And I didn’t want any more hope, I just wanted to be calm and free.
Hi Mella.
You’re dealing with someone who doesn’t want you but is too afraid to tell you that. He’s just stringing you along by giving you some random excuses. What you need to do is cut him off. He clearly won’t do that unless he despises you or finds someone else.
Don’t expect him to tell you he doesn’t want you. He would have done that already if he cared about your health and feelings.
Best,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Broke up with my girlfriend of 2 and a half years a while about 2 months ago. On the first 2 weeks I did beg and plead, but I came to accept it and told her that I accepted the break up.
At first, all was pretty confusing, she wasnt sure about her decision but she was sure that she wanted to stay alone.
During the next 1.5 months, we kept on talking, I didnt begged and pleaded, just actually talked a lot about our situations and we actually set up some “agreements” to handle the separation.
She told me she was feeling tired because I kept on talkin about it, and indeed she started showing some sypmtoms of stress and annoyance towards me. Thing is, I´ve been sick also, just got diagnosed of cancer and well I talked to her about that, because obviously I wanted to have her as support.
However, looking at things again, I realized that I was doing her wrong for trying to stay and putting pressure on her. So yesterday, I talked to her about taking some distance so we both can heal.
She agreed, maybe we can talk sometimes but not so continously.
The interesting part is that she tells me that she actually doesnt know what will happen later, when it comes down related to us. She also didnt want to take the step of doing limited contact or no contact, I´m the dumpee, but I´m also the one that suggested it because I dont want to be a pain in the back for her, and just by the way it seems, I believe she actually NEED to be alone, and has her space.
We had a nice relationship, pretty formal, our families acknowledged us and we experienced a lot of love. Actually we broke up because of her feeling that she needs to be alone to heal things that actually affected in the relationship, and it happened because of a fight. Of course at first I begged and all for about 2 weeks I just accepted it, and then we tried to manage it being close but of course, if we keep on talking about the topic, none of us will heal, so thats why I believe it´s the right choice.
Interesting facts is that the tells me very seriously that she doesnt wants to be with anybody, that she wont erase our pictures from social media, and its like kind of an loyalty agreement that I dont quite understand at the moment; maybe she just doesnt wants me to go after another girl. She always told me that I´m a good man, and that I didnt have to be waiting for someone (her) who at this moment doesnt know what she wants. And yeah.. in the relationship she always showed symptoms of indecision and lack of commitment, basically those were our issues.
I actually think that I have to do the no contact rule, maybe just congratulate her for her birthday or something.. since she is just like full of negative things in her mind, she also is struggling with some familiar issues and I feel that she hasnt analyzed yet the relationship completely since the problems we had were about communication from her part (I always tried to start the communication, but mostly she couldnt handle the conversation). Definitively this would be better if I stopped annoying her with talking about the same topic, but anyways I didnt felt at pace either with just having shallow conversations and receiving poor interest from her part, thats what triggered the conversations about our break up topic mostly, and of course the lack of answers. Its hard to break up with someone just because after almost 3 years “they realize they werent so sure of being ready to handle a relationship”. Complex.
An important fact is that she is pretty clear that I was a good person in her life, it appears that this break up happened because of existenctal crisis. There was nothing such as violence, cheating, and had really good momments, we even traveled a lot.
I was the one to tell her that I want her to be free of any responsability or guilt related to my personal issues, and that I want her to heal. The last time I asked her about what she think of we getting back togheter in a future she just told me that not in this momment.
What do you think? May she start analyzing everything after the Elation phase?
Hi Alex.
Whether things outside of the relationship caused the breakup doesn’t matter. The truth is she associates stress and frustration with you and can’t handle it properly. Begging didn’t make things a lot worse, but that’s not the problem. It’s her perceptions of you and her ability to get rid of them. She’s telling you things you want to hear, not need to hear. This is because she feels bad and wants to get you off her back.
You definitely have to do the no contact rule, Alex. You need to stop talking to her and start focusing on yourself. She won’t respect you and want to be with you just because you want her back.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
My ex-boyfriend broke up with me only about a week ago. We had only been together for 4 months, but things escalated very fast. I had met his parents and all his friends, talked about a future together, and even went on a trip together. I could slowly tell that his interest in me began to shift though as we would get into small arguments, but he would not talk to me or tell me about his emotions. Anyway, he literally “wakes up one morning and it hits him” and he broke it off. We sat on the floor of my apartment both crying and holding each other when we said goodbye. I did plead for him to reconsider not giving up on this relationship during the same night, but his response was so adamant, “I just don’t believe things will change.” He said he wanted to call me the next day to check up on me but i told him it was not necessary and it would only make things harder. I also disconnected our social media accounts right after. Now its been about a week of NC but i have been feeling the urge to contact him, even just for comfort knowing that I am not the only one suffering. But after reading your articles I will not contact him. Do you think there’s a good chance that he will reach out to me eventually though? I will plan to move on and heal myself regardless.
Hi Theresa.
The breakup may have come out of nowhere, but his decision didn’t. He’d been thinking about it for quite some time, just never quite felt the determination to leave. He’ll probably reach out to you eventually, Theresa. But when he does, it might not be to get back together. Do your best to stay in NC and let him come to you. You can’t beg and plead anymore. He has to want you as much as you want him. That’s the only way things will work.
Best,
Zan
Hi
My ex and I were together for 4.5 years. He broke up with me about 3 weeks ago. We went NC after a few weeks of talking. I broke it and begged through multiple texts and sent a voice note after 7 days of NC. Later sent an apology owning up to my actions and told him i would be restarting the 60 days NC. What should I do now?
Hi Janani.
You should stay in NC. After 60 days, if nothing changes, change your NC to indefinite NC. You can’t reach out 60 days into NC.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
It all started a couple months ago when I told a small lie to my fiance about who I was hanging out with to avoid a fight.
He later found out I lied and we got into a huge fight. I made a mistake and didn’t apologize right away for lying but I did explain why I lied. We stopped talking for a few weeks because he said he needed space. I ended up texting him to sincerely apologize and asked to talk in person but he kept refusing to see me or talk. He said he still loves and misses me but he can’t trust me anymore so he doesn’t want to talk to me at the moment because he hasn’t gathered his thoughts. I gave him another week then I kept pushing to talk about this as communication is key in a relationship but he kept avoiding me. This lasted for 1.5 months. Until I showed up at his house to force him to talk.
We talked but he pretty much put a stone wall between us and is still mad about the lie. I said I can show him proof about that hangout night but he refused to look or ask for any proof which isn’t him. He said he still loves me but it isn’t the same love he had for me before and he doesnt know what to do anymore. He said he doesnt know if he sees the future we envisioned anymore which broke my heart. I still love him deeply and still see our future we envisioned. Since I was the one who lied, I wanted to fix what I did so I basically begged him to try and rebuild the relationship together. He agreed.
For the past 3 weeks, it felt like I was the only one trying in the relationship. It seemed like he changed into a stranger to me. He’s super cold to me and hardly intiates phone calls, texts or even when to see each other. I felt like I had to force him to see me and spend quality time together. Even when we were spending time together, it wasn’t the same as before. He didn’t seem nearly as happy or cared about my feelings. When I say something or complain about something he wouldn’t be hesitant to say things to me that he knows would hurt me. When I cry about how hurt I feel from his actions he seemed annoyed and just walks away from me. He even said I’m the one who’s supposed to be trying and not him because I’m the one who has to make things better. He walks all over me and I felt like he was taking advantage of my love towards him. He would never do those things to me before. He would always care about my feelings first.
It was Valentine’s Day a couple days ago and he didn’t mention anything or even wished me a happy Valentine’s Day. I couldn’t hold it in and brought it up to him. He got annoyed right away (he gets annoyed everytime I complain now) he said he didn’t have intentions to celebrate with me. I got really upset and blurted out that we should break up. Then he brought up saying how he doesn’t feel the spark with me anymore and that he doesnt feel that same happiness as he did before. He said he doesn’t know if he even loves me anymore. I was so heartbroken as I love him deeply and we got engaged back in Oct. He used to love me so much and said I was his whole world. He said he could never lose me. I keep holding onto the old him and want him back so badly.
I asked him where the old him is and he answered me saying he’s gone right now. He said he might come back later or never come back. We have officially broken up now but I’m tempted to beg for him back. I don’t want to lose him but after reading your post I know it won’t work if I beg for him back. He doesn’t even know if he loves me anymore. He’s not even heartbroken about our breakup. I know I should give up but I still love him so much and I don’t want to lose him. I want the old him back.
Do you have any suggestions on what I should do in this case? Since we’re officially broken up and haven’t spoke to each other in days. Will he realize he still loves me and come back? Is there still hope or he’s gone forever?
Hi Katie.
The guy fell out of love and gave up. He doesn’t feel like trying anymore and is hogging all the power. A relationship like this can’t continue to exist, Katie. If you keep throwing yourself at his feet, he’ll lose even more respect for you. That’s why I suggest that you distance yourself from him and go no contact. At this point, there’s nothing you can do to change his mind and his perception of you. He chose to be alone, so that’s what he must have.
I wish I could give you some hope, but he’s set on leaving. Reconciliations don’t happen as often as you’d like, so I suggest you start getting over him.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan.
So my boyfriend of a year broke up with me yesterday long distance (he is very stressed and a little depressed). We hadn’t spoken in 3 weeks. Due to him saying he didn’t want to interact with anyone right now. He messaged to say how sorry he was, he’s been very selfish and is dealing with so much that there can’t be an ‘us’ it’s just wrong timing and he is struggling with day to day life let alone have anytime for me. He is sorry for pushing ne away, wants to protect me from his struggles and to be happy. We had a little chat. I told him that i understand and he said if i want to we can keep in touch but he doesn’t want to see or speak to anyone right now.
I have started the NC rule this morning and will stick to it but i am really struggling to let him go. I just don’t know what to do
Hi Miss S.
Right now, no contact is all you can do. Your ex is struggling with overwhelm and/or depression and isn’t in the right place to focus on anyone but himself. You have to let him do that otherwise he’ll think YOU are being selfish.
Stay strong!
Zan
I was with my ex for a year. We were in a long distance relationship and things were cool but I moved back to where she stays because that is usually where I’m from but work took me out. I came back two months ago and things became sour. At first it was cool but all of a sudden things changed and I was getting tired of the relationship. I told her I wasn’t interested and blocked her. I felt her pain and thought it was cruel for me to do that to someone I still love. I sent her a message the second day telling her how sorry I was for the message I sent and telling her I still want her but she just told me that she has made peace with her past and wants to be single for as long as she can be. It was surprising to me to see her want to move on so quick, so I tried to beg her. After a while I contacted her friends and family wanting them to talk to her if it was possible for me to make things right but I worsened the situation. Her last text to me was her telling me that she still has feelings for me but she doesn’t know whether she wants to pursue it or not and she doesn’t want me to keep hanging around. But I still have feelings for her too
Hi Vic.
Right now, you have to let her go. She’d decided to be single, so any begging and pleading is only going to make things worse. Let her come to you if she wants to. If not, you’ll heal and learn a thing or two from this ordeal.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hey Zan, recently read your article and would like to hear your perspective on my situation.
Me and my ex stopped talking around early December after a dispute, I recently contacted, yesterday with a 3 word text saying “Come over 6” which she didn’t reply to, later that day I called and implied she should come over, she indirectly declined the invitation, stating when she wanted to talk I didn’t want to. ( which I believe to be an excuse ) one thing lead to another a bit of conversation, which I made the mistake in responding emotionally during. she started saying she doesn’t need me, etc.
After that she started talking about her new car, I told her to come and show me it, she started saying “I know what you’re doing its not gonna work”, I said “”I’m not doing anything” so she came and we wen’t for a short ride, which ended up with us parked & talking in the car, catching up and other small talks.
During those small talks we both hugged and I remember her saying she’s not in-love with me, but also saying she misses me a little.
she had to go home but I believe I was dragging the interaction a bit.
Towards the end I re-invited her over which was met with another decline, then she established that we can be “cool” something like friends but less than that. I didn’t really agree or disagree, shortly after I went back inside and she drove off.
The next morning.. Today I did some thinking, I’m aware the friend zone is somewhere you should never be, and it’s just a female’s excuse to steal your attention while not reciprocating. So I texted her saying
“realized I don’t want a girl who doesn’t need me, I don’t have to prove nothing, I’m building an empire not chasing an entitled female who was never down for me. Time doesn’t pause, we can leave this in the past, Good luck in life”
Which she didn’t respond to, but I wasn’t expecting a response
I regret reaching out and being irrational.
But from the scenario given, Do you think I’ve set myself up for failure? Is there any hope? & What should I do for the following months?
Hi Jake.
The things you said certainly didn’t help, but considering her lack of feelings and interest, they aren’t the main problem here. The girl has clearly given up, so your behavior alone isn’t going to recreate the spark. The only thing that could make her want to be with you is some painful failure and emotional setback.
Don’t beat yourself up over this, Jake. Although the approach you chose isn’t exactly ideal, it’s certainly much better than staying friends with her and degrading yourself.
You should obviously stay in no contact and show no more interest in her. While you’re doing that, try to forgive yourself for the words you’ve said and work on your flaws. Your ex will need a lot of time to herself before she can process the breakup fully and fail in ways she needs to.
Sincerely,
Zan
My (now ex) & I dated for about 2 & a half years. I broke up with him because I was having doubts, he asked for me back & I wasn’t ready. After a couple months I realized my mistake, it was back n forth for a little & we tried again a couple times. I was blocked for about a month after a bad night, then he came back the night before I left for college & realized he wanted to try again. We did, but the distance of me being out of state caused him to start hanging out with another girl. Basically, we’ve been driving eachother crazy for 10 months because he hasn’t known what he’s wanted & I’ve been head over heals for him. Up until just a month ago we were planning on living with one another, he was even looking at apartments. Then he said he wanted to try no contact for a few months because that’s the one thing we haven’t tried, I tried to go along at first & then it got to the point of begging for him back. He told me to leave him alone. I had to delete his number. I’m ashamed & scared that I burned my bridges by doing that. But I know he still loves & misses me, he’s just confused, but I think he may be done this time. Is it possible he’ll come back?
Hi Zoe.
Even if you hadn’t begged, he would still have needed time to process things and figure out what the best thing to do was. I think he’s realized that the relationship wasn’t healthy/making him happy as there were too many up and downs. You need to learn why you disagreed so much and work on growing as a person. If he comes back, you must both forgive each other and be maturer people.
Right now, he’s set on staying broken up and wants to be alone. You must let him do that and focus entirely on yourself.
Best,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I wanted to do a follow up on this situation in hopes I could get your insight. Your advice was so incredibly helpful the first time. Since then, I’ve remained no contact. But I’ve been noticing posts he’s made on his very private account where he expresses his unhappiness, often seemingly related to our situation. He even posted today (on our year of being broken up) a picture representing a bookstore we went to on my birthday, captioning the word “pain”. The last I spoke to him, he said he was on the verge of dating the girl he connected with while I was at college, so I have reason to believe they are together. But he’s expressed to me countless times that he only started talking to her to get over me, & that he didn’t find her all that captivating… the first two dates they went on, he came back to me saying it wasn’t right. I’ve healed so much since this breakup & I’ve been so proud of myself, but I still can’t shake the hope that we will rekindle, especially now that I’ve been seeing these posts. I know this hope is only hurting me, but we were a very healthy relationship that lasted almost 3 years. I had just made the mistake of breaking up with him which caused him to lose a lot of himself & his feelings towards me. I don’t know what to do in this situation because I’ve met someone new, but I don’t want to risk hurting someone else if there’s hope of my ex coming back.
Hi Zoe.
It’s clear that things aren’t going well for him. He seems to be struggling in some big way. Still, he said no when you expressed regret, so if he currently regrets breaking up, know that it’s his responsibility to come back and apologize. He can’t (and doesn’t) expect you to do the work. Doon’t think that he does because it will give you lots of false hope.
You don’t need to do anything, Zoe. Just stay in NC and wait for them to break up. If they do and he wants you back, he’ll let you know. Besides, you’re with someone else now and should give this guy all of your attention.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi, My ex bf and I were im relationship of 11 months. When he dumped me I begged him for 2 days and didn’t contact him for 3 days . Again begged for 4 days. Now Im in contact periods. Its been 2 weeks.
Hi Jyotsna.
Stay in no contact. NC will help you retain your value and heal. Your ex will likely need to fail in some big way and/or experience emotional difficulties to want to be with you again.
Best,
Zan
My ex broke up with me 4 days ago but wants to have closure and meet in person at the end of the week. She also hinted at wanting to think this decision over and make sure its the right one. its been radio silent since but im wondering if i should be fighting/begging for her right now. when the breakup occurred i was angry and pretended not to care/reciprocating her insult. she said something like “you’re not even trying to fight for this”. we talked the next day and both cried about how much we love each other, how messy this brekaup got, etc. Should i be silent and wait for her to contact me about the in person closure or should i be fighting for rn?
Hi Rich.
You shouldn’t be begging her. If you guilt-trip her into being with you, she might just delay breaking up with you for a week or so. The best thing you can do is talk with her, ask some questions for closure, and then let her go. She should be communicating and investing in the relationship rather than expecting you to show that you care.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi
My ex girlfriend and i were a couple for almost 3 years. She broke up with me in may. I begged for nearly 2 and a half months and she said she does not love me anymore and has the feeling she was the only one who is growing. Now im in no contact and hoping for the best and i am trying to grow and be the best version of myself. Planing to reach out when i have done no contact for 3 months under the “radar”,hoping that she has let go of some of those negative feelings towards me and trying to reattracted her by showing her how much i changed and that i am the best version of myself and to show her that i can provide a great future for her.
Hi Philipp.
I suggest you stay in no contact indefinitely. She has to feel you’ve grown and respect you for it. She won’t think you’ve done that if you reach out and deny her the space she needs.
Best,
Zan
Hi
Thanks for your reply. I think you are right in some kind. The thing is that i dont think that i am denying her the space she needs by „testing“ how she feels. I was not planning to bombard her with messages. Only like „oh hey was just thinking about you. Havent heard a lot about you how youve been?“ or something like that and maybe show her how much has happened in my life. In these three months or lets say in the remaining 1 1/2 months changed a lot and will change a lot. I will start a new job in 15 days and i will move in a new apartment so i hope that all these things will be enough to her to be interested in talking to me at least. And if she answers or even asks about me than i know she maybe wants to talk and i can start to rebuild attraction and trust. If she does not answer than i would go back to no contact and hope that she will see my worth one day and maybe wants to rekindle by herself.
What are your thoughts on this?
Thanks for the answer.
And to break it down i havent really begged for 2 months. Only like 1 month, than no contact and after 30 days begged again for one week.
If i am going to contact her in 45 days or so than i will not beg and just keep it cool and easy and try to give her good feelings while talking or writing with me. I jusg hope that i can erase or replace some of these negative memories by having new good memories with here, which start with good writing so to speak.
Sorry for my bad english im from germany:D
Besst regards
Hi Philipp.
She’s not testing you about anything. Exes don’t need to test their dumpees because they want to stay away from them. Also, you can’t prove your importance directly by engaging with her. Your ex has to do that of her own accord if she wants to. So stay in no contact and work on letting go of hope. That will make you as attractive as you can be.
Sincerely,
Zan