If you begged and pleaded with your ex after the breakup and pushed your ex away, try not to worry too much about that right now. What’s done is done. Worrying about it is not going to help make things better. It’s just going to make you overthink and cause you to make even more mistakes.
It’s important to note that most dumpees do a little bit of begging and pleading during or after the breakup. They do it because the pain of rejection overwhelms them and forces them to reason with their ex. Little do they know that reasoning with the dumper does the opposite for their ex as it smothers the dumper and makes him or her want to be alone even more.
I’m not telling you this so you can blame yourself for your mistakes. I want you to know that you’re not alone as dumpees all over the world tend to make at least some breakup mistakes.
Typical post-breakup mistakes include begging and pleading, writing letters, buying an expensive ring, showing up unannounced, sending gifts, talking to the dumper’s friends and family, texting paragraphs of texts, and threatening or taking revenge.
Yes, some dumpees are in so much pain that they take revenge. They hope to see their ex react strongly with the intention to see that they can still influence their ex. For some dumpees, revenge is the only method left for making their ex respond to them.
You probably didn’t make any mistakes like that because your intentions were good, but you did some begging and pleading. You wanted your ex to think about leaving you and then return. But if you want your ex to respect you, you have to stop making these mistakes.
You have to acknowledge that your ex is detached and try to let go of control. Learning to let go of your ex is the solution to most of your problems.
In this article, we’ll discuss what begging does to the dumper and whether you ruined things with your ex.
The victim mentality
Right after the breakup, dumpees often think to themselves, “If I give my ex more love and attention, my ex will also give me more of the same. If I can prove how serious I am about the relationship, my ex will also take me seriously.”
But because dumpers are emotionally depleted and done with the relationship, they don’t feel the urge to “give more.” They feel a ton of negative emotions instead and think that their ex doesn’t understand them and respect them.
As a result, they refuse to take responsibility for their actions and develop what we call the victim mentality. This mentality makes them blame their ex for the breakup and tells them to avoid their ex like the plague. Avoiding their ex helps them have fewer uncomfortable moments with their ex and encourages them to think only about themselves.
You see, when the breakup happens, dumpers don’t want to think about their ex’s problems and concerns. They wish to prioritize themselves and live life as free spirits. If their ex makes it hard for them to do that, they tend to feel smothered and unhappy and may even do something their ex doesn’t want them to do.
Sometimes they also feel guilty because they feel bad that their ex is in so much pain while they’ve already moved on. But that doesn’t mean they come back. You’d think that guilt is something your ex needs to return, but guilt is a very bad emotion. It can make dumpers feel responsible for helping their ex when all they want is to look after themselves.
This obligation to help can make them angry and cause them to keep their ex far away from them.
So if you begged and pleaded with your ex for another chance, keep in mind that begging tends to obstruct the dumper’s freedom and happiness. It forces the dumper to think about you even though he or she is trying to get some space and distance.
Because your ex is in a position of power (feels angry, smothered, or disrespected), your denial and persistence can bring an unwanted reaction out of your ex and wound you badly.
You need to be aware of this so you stop begging immediately. You’ll likely have days when you feel like you can’t go on without your ex, but as difficult as your post-breakup life is, you mustn’t make your ex think that you rely on him or her for happiness.
Your ex must think that you’re handling the breakup well so that your ex avoids feeling guilty and admires your strength and determination.
I begged and pleaded with my ex. How badly did I mess it up?
If you begged and pleaded with your ex after the breakup, it’s not the end of the world. You need to remind yourself that although begging wasn’t the best thing to do, you were merely fighting for what you strongly believed in.
You were trying to prove your love and commitment to your ex even though you went about it the wrong way. A much better approach would have been no contact as leaving your ex to his or her devices would have made your ex feel in control of his or her life and allowed your ex to process breakup emotions.
Now that you begged, there’s no point in beating yourself up over it. You can’t change the past, but you can learn that begging doesn’t work and that the key to leaving a good impression on your ex is presenting yourself as an individual with confidence and high self-esteem.
Your ex’s respect for you is already at an all-time low, so you mustn’t decrease it to the point where your ex can walk all over you and get away with it. That won’t impress your ex. It will make your ex lose interest (more interest) and walk away without ever feeling nostalgic about the relationship.
Always remember that it was okay for you to make mistakes. You didn’t know better or lacked self-control at the time. But once you’ve made a mistake and learned that you shouldn’t have made it, you must work on yourself and do your best not to repeat it. A big part of life is to learn from missteps and improve your shortcomings.
The more things you work on, the fewer mistakes you’ll make in your relationships and after your relationships have ended. So take your errors lightly but also very seriously.
Forgive yourself for making them, but also figure out why you made them and how you can avoid making them in the future.
Begging your ex for another chance seldom works
Begging for another chance works when your ex is still committed to you. That’s when your ex will listen to most things you say and see that you care and want to make things work. But after the breakup, begging does the opposite for your ex as your ex no longer wants you to fight for the relationship.
Your ex wants you to give up because that’s exactly what your ex did. Your ex showed you the relationship has ended and that you mustn’t try to oppose your ex’s premeditated decision. Resisting it won’t make your ex feel special—just unheard.
Here’s what begging and pleading does to your ex.
Crying your eyes out and hoping your ex will pity you and want you back is not a very good ex-back strategy. That’s because reasoning with the dumpee in any way at all goes against the dumper’s wishes and triggers his or her repressed anger and/or contempt.
Your ex will respect you a lot more if you accept the breakup as quickly as possible and let your ex come to you. It won’t be easy to let go of your ex and embrace the unknown, but that’s the only way your ex will ever feel something positive for you again. Your ex might not come back because of it, but your ex will at the very least think more fondly of you.
Can begging and pleading change your ex’s perception of you?
Sadly, begging and pleading won’t change your ex’s perception of you for the better. It will worsen it because your ex will remember the last time he/she saw you/heard from you and want to avoid feeling the kind of emotions he or she felt when you begged.
Here’s how begging and pleading with the dumper changes your persona in the dumper’s eyes.
Whenever you feel the urge to turn into a beggar and beg your ex for another chance, remind yourself that begging and pleading will only push your ex away and cause a lot of long-term damage. And some of that damage will, unfortunately, be irreparable or extremely difficult to fix.
But the worst of all isn’t that your actions will change your ex’s perception of you.
The thing that you should be the most scared of is that you could unintentionally ruin your perception of yourself. If you allow yourself to plead with your ex for another chance, you could seriously damage your self-esteem and develop trust issues and mental health problems.
And that’s not what you want.
You don’t want to complicate your life because of your ex. You want to grow from this experience and trust people with your emotions.
Begging will make you want to beg more
If you’re begging your ex for love and attention and aren’t getting what you need, you’re going to want to beg even more. When you get rejected, you’ll get hurt and need your ex to come back and love you.
Continuous begging will keep you hooked on your ex and force your ex to reject you over and over again.
Here’s a picture of what a never-ending cycle of begging looks like.
Every time your ex rejects you, he or she hurts you deeper and causes more long-term suffering.
And the more you suffer, the more you’ll think that talking your ex into getting back with you is going to work. But in reality, evoking negative feelings never works.
Happiness, confidence, high self-esteem, lots of dating options, success in life, a fit body, a promising job, lots of friends, a happy family, and everything positive is what it takes to attract the right kind of individual.
That’s why crying to your ex accomplishes the opposite of what you’re trying to achieve. It gives your ex reasons not to love you and reduces the chances of your ex coming back now and in the future.
Keep in mind that your ex left because he or she was unhappy and that when you show unhappiness, you basically confirm that your ex made the right decision to leave you.
By begging and crying, you don’t show that you care. You show your ex that you lack what it takes to be happy with what you have and on your own. And your ex knows that a person who can’t be happy on his or her own won’t make him or her happy either.
That person will over-rely on him or her for happiness and success in life.
So if your ex is happy and you’re miserable, it’s highly unlikely that your ex will want to be with you. The happiness scale has to flip upside down (your ex must become unhappy) for your ex to consider you a viable dating option.
That’s because your ex needs to develop the desire to get something from you.
Begging will ruin your health
If you’re begging your ex to come back, you need to stop. You must realize that begging and pleading is not going to work and that you’ll ruin your health and well-being in the process.
Begging and pleading likely won’t kill you, but it will greatly affect your self-esteem and trust in people. So before you let it get that far, seek professional help if you need to and solve your internal conflicts.
You must understand that people beg exes because they’re hurt, not because their exes are the best human beings. If you understand that, you’ll focus on yourself rather than your ex and process the breakup quicker.
So keep in mind that begging your ex to be with you will have bad consequences on your body and mind.
Here’s an infographic explaining the effects of prolonged begging and pleading.
You’ll probably find it extremely challenging to stop begging and pull away from your ex at first, but try to gather your strength and do it anyway. You can start by following the infamous 30-day no contact rule and focus on yourself rather than your ex.
Focus on your recovery because that will help you detox and detach from your ex. No matter how hard no contact is. you need to convince yourself that reaching out first is meaningless and that it’s your ex’s turn to show interest and affection.
It can’t be the other way around anymore as it’s time to get your lost power back.
I begged with my ex back. Is it too late?
I can’t say whether you pushed your ex to the point of no return, but I can tell you that excessive begging and pleading tends not to end well.
That’s because exes have only so much patience before they get tired, irritated, and give up.
Your ex is currently in a very tired state. He or she can’t handle any obstructions and delays. Every time you exude desperation, you look more unattractive and make your ex want to run for the hills.
As a dumpee, your goal is to take care of your persona (the way your ex sees you). You have to keep it the way it was when you got dumped. Staying composed could help you achieve that goal as it could tell your ex you respect yourself and that you won’t beg anyone for attention.
Not even an ex who blindsided you.
A little bit of begging shouldn’t completely ruin your chances, but if you begged a lot, it may have annoyed your ex too much to respect you, become nostalgic, and crave the things you have to offer. For now, try not to worry about that. You need to focus on self-reflection and improving yourself.
Can I get my ex back after begging for months?
If you begged with your ex for months and showed no respect for yourself and your ex, things don’t look very good right now. Your ex would have to be an extremely understanding and emotionally mature person not to get offended by your actions.
He or she would have to understand breakups and respect you no matter what you say and do.
But most dumpers, unfortunately, aren’t like that. They get tired and annoyed very quickly—and tend to block their dumpee and move on to someone else.
The only thing that could bring your ex back after begging for months is your ex getting involved with a highly incompatible person and realizing that you were much better in comparison. That could trigger your ex’s anxiety and make him or her come running.
I strongly encourage you not to keep waiting for your ex that long. Try to detach rather than stay attached so you can get your happiness back regardless of whether your ex comes back or not.
Here’s a video with some tips you can follow whether you begged, blocked your ex, or made other post-breakup mistakes.
Did you beg and plead with your ex? How long did you beg for? Leave your comment below and ask us any questions you’d like.
And if you wish to discuss your begging on call or by email, sign up for a session here.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Long story short, my ex is 23, in college, struggles with mental health, eating disorder, image/confidence issues… She has a lot going on and doesn’t know what she wants unfortunately. Her communication was pretty bad as I didn’t know how to support her the way she needed. Then she was done. She actually told me she had no feelings for me while we were on vacation with my family.. then I had to ensure an 18 hour car ride back home with her….ouch. I did all the classic texting her to make sure this wasn’t just her being upset and if this is what she actually wanted. She didn’t nudge, so I went into no contact. 12 days in to NC, I made the mistake of reaching out to her. She agreed to meet up, and I talked to her about the communication/expectation aspect of our relationship and told her that I had reached out to some people who struggled with mental Illness/eating disorder and they showed me how to help someone who struggles with the things she does and she still wanted the break up as she just lost feelings for me, so I’m currently giving her what she wants. The break up. Started NC again and now I’m on day 20. I don’t think she’ll ever come back bc she is a very insecure/not very confident girl (it’s crazy bc she’s very pretty). I know she thinks I hate her because of what she did on vacation. I told her I don’t hate her I’m just disappointed she didn’t communicate with me as we were in a serious relationship for 8 months. I saw a future with this girl and I know she saw one with me early on. Our relationship wasn’t toxic as no one cheated or lied. She told me many times that I was the man of her dreams and that I never left her feeling unloved, unheard, or unseen for a moment. I don’t struggle with confidence (I know I’m attractive and a catch). My ex said she wondered from the beginning how I was real and why I was interested in her since she sees herself as damaged goods. I don’t see it like that. My friends and family tell me to just forget about her bc I can do better. However, they don’t know her like I do and weren’t in the relationship. I know she isn’t easy to love and can be difficult, but I’m more than willing to look past that. It’s just a no win situation for me bc I really like her. I’m going to stick with no contact but I just don’t see that working out for me bc of who she is and the stage of life she’s at. Do you think there would be any harm in reaching out in January after she finishes her fall semester is over assuming I don’t hear from her and assuming I still want to at that point? That’s about 5 months no contact and I know she hasn’t blocked me or anything bc I’m didn’t get angry with her and respected her throughout it all. I understand she’s young and makes mistakes. Help please.
Hi Richard.
Don’t reach out in January. The last time you reached out, she rejected you, so that’s two rejections in a row. She has to be the one to put in the work from now on. I see that you’re attached to this girl—and that’s okay. But do keep in mind that she’s not ready for a relationship. Until she’s resolved her issues, she’ll be very difficult to work with. It’s best that you give her time to work on herself. She may not do that, but that’s all you can do right now.
Best regards,
Zan
My ex girlfriend dumped me 2 months ago after 1 year and a half relationship. She said that she didn’t feel the same anymore and broke up with me unexpectedly, even when she said that she had been very happy during our relationship and I was an incredible person.
The first weeks I didn’t beg neither insist but the last time we saw each other (3 weeks after break up) I begged her to give it a second chance. She said her decision was final, definitive and asked for space. During the next weeks we talked two times (the last one she broke no contact for a different issue) and she ended up angry because she didn’t want to talk anymore about our relationship and I was insisting. I don’t think I have insisted too much, I just asked her the two times if she had read a closure letter I had sent to her the last time we met. She doesn’t want to read it and got angry just because I asked again. Two days later we talked again and I apologize for insisting on the letter. She was more relaxed and said that she understands that I’m having a bad time but she deserves to be respected and I should respect the space she needs. We agreed on keeping no contact for some time.
The thing is that she is upset with me and I feel I have screwed any chance of reconciliation. We are now in 17th day of no contact, which I intend to keep at least for two months to heal myself, but I still love her too much as I thought she was the right one. Do you think I stand any chance in the future?
Thank you, this website is really helping me, I wish I had found it from the beginning of the break up.
Hi Pablo.
You must acknowledge the breakup and stop pushing your ex to do what you want her to do. At the moment, she needs space very badly. She doesn’t want to read your letter, but she probably will one day. You won’t care that much about it when she finally does. Now that she’s acting like a typical dumper, you should focus on yourself. Identify your flaws, work on them, and try to stay busy. Your ex knows where to find you if she changes her mind. I can’t tell you if she will change her mind because it’s too early to tell, but you must consider the breakup as final and fall back in love with who you are.
Best regards,
Zan
Thank you for your advice Zan.
I will keep in no contact as it’s the only option I have. I’m trying to lose any hope but it’s being hard even after 2 and a half months since the break up.
Two days ago she texted me to thank me for transfer her back the money of the vacation we had together and had to be cancelled. She didn’t ask or tell me anything, but she tried to be nice. I just replied “you’re welcome”, I didn’t want to break no contact. At least she doesn’t seem too angry right now as she was some weeks ago.
Regards.
Hey Pablo, I’m literally in the same scenario that you described. I totally understand your pain. My bf broke up with me after 1 year and half and just told me we were done. It sucks. Maybe we can vent with each other.
Hey Nancy, It’s hard the situation we have now, but we have to keep strong and go on with our lives. I have been in NC for 1 month and I think I’m starting to feel a bit better. I had some mistakes during the firsts weeks, but now I feel more relaxed although I still miss her a lot.
Hi Pablo.
She’s not as angry as she used to be, but she still doesn’t want to talk to you. At the moment, she’s controlling herself and finishing unfinished business. Stick to NC, Pablo.
Best regards,
Zan
I have known my ex for over 6yrs as friends,we didn’t date then but he was asking me out all those years,I felt he wasn’t good for me then.Well 7months ago,we started dating..I started loving him so much and wanted to make up for all the years i ignored him. I would complain and nag all the time because i felt that he wasn’t giving me enough attention.He has a very busy work schedule.We had an argument on june 30th and he said he was done with the relationship,I cried and begged him for about 5weeks. I would send him series of text messages,then call him endlessly for hours (he doesn’t pick up) then i will send him voice notes crying and pleading,sometimes I end up calling him names,well he blocked my number from calling and texting him but he didn’t block me on WhatsApp.He is not on Facebook or Instagram. Please tell me honestly,do i still have a chance of getting him back? I want to start NC today.
Hi Bellefille.
It’s hard to say if you have a chance because the guy needs space. You need to give it to him so he doesn’t become resentful and lose all respect. Go no contact right away! Getting yourself back should be your priority!
Zan
Me and my ex broke up 4 months ago. We went into no contact 5 days later and I kept no contact for 2 months straight. Then I contacted him because something happened to me that he was also a part of. Then we went into no contact again for a month and then we saw eachother in person because he still had some of my stuff. We talked like in old days,laughed had inside jokes and everything but at the end he said we will never get back together again that it is best if we end our story but he would like to remain friends. After that we saw eachother a couple of times and last week we went together to a party. We were both drunk and some things happened.we agreed to see eachother again to finally say goodbye and also stop being friends. We talked again and I then begged him for a second chance(even though we broke up because he cheated on me and said he doesn’t like me anymore). I begged him several times and he said he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and we will never be together again. After that we hugged and he kissed me and that led to sex, but in the middle of it he stopped because he got sick at the idea of what we were doing was wrong. He drove off and next day I messaged him again and apologized for begging him that I wasn’t in the right state of mind when I saw him because I can’t think straight when he is around. We then said the last goodbye and he said he wishes me well and that he will always think about me and that he still cares for me and also sent a heart. And now I don’t even know what to think.
Hi Jess.
Friendship with an ex doesn’t work, and neither does friendship with benefits. That’s why I suggest that you cut your ex off and stop begging him for a second chance. He’ll never respect you if you keep begging for love. Heck, you won’t respect yourself, so don’t do that anymore. Try to avoid going to places he frequents and get yourself back. That should be your main goal. Always remember that your ex will put the work in if he really wants to. If not, he’ll let you detach and recover.
Best regards,
Zan
Me and my ex broke up two and a half weeks ago. We had great chemistry and she will tell me how I was the love of her life and couldnt wait to marry me. However our issue was the living arrangements. She wanted to live beside her parents and me to move over an hour away from my job and dog 6 out of 7 days a week.I told her I couldn’t do that and I broke up with her after we had a heated discussion. The next day she told me we had no choice but to move on. And the next day which was two days later she wanted her stuff back. I Instanly regretted my decisoin I waited a week to contact her and when I did she was cold and slow to respond. She told me I love you and I will always love you and miss you like crazy but we have to move on! The living arrangement wouldn’t work. I waited another week and left a clean slate messaged and apoogized for my actions. What else can I do? Give her space to clear her emotions? I feel like if I try to talk to her anymore I will just push her away. Also, she was homeschooled and very shletered. She is very meek and listens to everything her mother and sisters tells her.
Hi Ewreck.
There’s nothing you can do at this point. You have to respect her decision and give her the space she’s asked for. If she realizes she still loves you and wants to be with you, she’ll contact you. If not, you’ll both move on and find someone better suited for each other. I know it’s hard to even imagine dating anyone else right now, but take it one day at a time and things will get better.
Hang in there, Ewreck!
Zan
Hi
I was swing this guy for two months. We gad a connection ive never Experienced before, everything felt natural and right.
Then a lot of thing happened in his life. He was still there but slowly pulled away. I have a little, but didn’t invest more than he did. Then two weeks past and I felt that if we couldn’t see each other, I wanted to talk on the phone once in a while instead of just a text here and there. I expressed it to him and he said sure. It didn’t happen so I said it again. He said sure and a week past with nothing, not even texts. I said it a third time, confronting him, and finally it happened. I was so happy. And then he became inconsistent AGAIN!! I wasn’t thinking clear and I told him exactly what I meant and that I felt he was leading me on, playing games and didn’t have respect for me. He got furious, and wouldn’t even try to convince me otherwise. That was it for him. I didn’t see that coming so I begged, back and forth, cause he wasn’t super clear. It went on for a day, I kept apologizing for hurting his feelings, but I held onto that I meant what I said, but that is was about his lack of actions and not about him as a person and that I was so sad that he wanted to end it and we couldn’t talk about it. He then made it clear that it was over, and I have not texted him since. That was to days ago. Is it possible that he comes back and see what he lost? Am I being naive? And have he lost all respect for me? Btw he have never seen that desperate begging side of me before, so that might have scared him with my confronting too.
Hi Terra.
Your ex needs to process the breakup. He’s been meaning to break up with you for weeks, so don’t expect him to return quickly. He may never return because he could develop negative opinions of you. Begging didn’t help either, so go no contact and stay in it indefinitely.
Best,
Zan
I begged and tried stay in contact with my ex for almost one month after we break up, we break up in good terms and i thought we can be friends and she accepted, but i think i was annoying, do you think if i go no contact we can be friends still in the future? She’s a very good person and understand me like no other, in our relantionship we ever tried to help each other in a friendship way, i just want that friendship back, do u think that is possible?
Hi Ryan.
It may be possible to be friends later. But at this moment, she probably needs some time to herself. You need to give her that time so she can process the negative breakup emotions.
Sincerely,
Zan
It’s been two weeks since I had my recent breakup. I had known him for 5 years as an online friend (we live in different cities and he has a travelling job) and then over the last one year, he started pursuing me romantically. From whatever little he had shared with me about his past relationships, I was certain that he was not serious about marriage. In fact, he was involved with some FWBs at the time when he had confessed his feelings for me. Initially I did not buy into his disclosure of feelings as I was clear about settling down sometime in the future. But seeing him being persistent in his efforts for almost a year, we finally decided to meet and eventually date each other exclusively. I had laid out all my terms and conditions clearly to him which at that point he had agreed upon. He told me he was beginning to consider something serious with me and even warm himself up to the idea of marriage as well in the future. But as soon as we started dating (long distance), I noticed him becoming distant from me. At first, I would approach him gently sharing my observation and feelings about feeling disconnected. He would be responsive to my bids for connection as well and reassure me that he would try to meet me halfway. But soon I realized that his words did not really match his actions. While I could see him making some efforts but they did not seem enough for me. Even though we would continue to interact everyday, he started to become emotionally closed off from me. He would always make excuses for telephonic calls or our movie nights (which was something he had initiated before we started dating). It was like I was dating a completely different person altogether than the one I had known before. Slowly my insecurities started increasing. I never questioned his loyalty towards me as I know he’s not that kind of person. But it was the lack of communication and emotional intimacy that really started to get under my skin. I started approaching him more frequently than before with my concerns while he started withdrawing further away from me. I could clearly see the classic pursuer-avoidant pattern playing out between us. Then over the last couple of weeks, I started pushing him for “the talk” as I needed some clarity on what was going on and whether he was invested in this relationship or not. I knew that this was going to be an ultimate breakpoint for both of us but at that point, I was willing to take that risk given the distress the lack of clarity was causing me. Yet he tried to evade from that topic for a couple of days/weeks until we finally had the discussion and agreed that it was not working for us. While it was mutual, I was devastated. It was as if suddenly somebody had pulled the rug from under my feet. And then he said that he would like for us to stay friends as we had a great connect with each other before. But I was way too much in hurt and pain to make that commitment. After an episode of emotional outburst and spewing anger at him (which also led him to lash out at me before we both apologised to each other), I suddenly felt the urge to win him back. And over the next 4-5 days, I had asked him THRICE if we could get back. I knew it was not a good idea as I was already bruised and broken, and begging him to reconsider his decision was only going to invite further rejection for me. And that’s what happened. He continued to say that it’s best that we stayed friends as he was worried we were going to end up hurting and resenting each other if we pushed too hard for a relationship. And until he said “This isn’t you” (referring to my constant chasing behaviour), I never realized what I was turning into. It was then that I finally decided to put a stop to this chase and let him go. We did eventually end on what looked like a cordial/good note but I made it clear to him that I needed a clean break and cannot stay friends. Yet, after one or two days, he shared some post with him (without any text). But so far, I have not initiated any interaction with him and am planning to continue with the no-contact rule. I am still hurting and grieving the loss. I am still not over him as I have not only lost a potential life partner but also a good friend. I know for sure that if he comes back right now, I would immediately take him back. But I also like to remind myself that he has probably already moved on (he already had his FWBs to get back to anyway) and so should I. It’s hard and awful. But eventually I know I will reach the other side.
My ex has recently gotten out of a relationship when we began talking. We were together for about 4 months. Things were great never any issues until there was. We didn’t talk for a few days and I tried to reach out to figure out what had gone wrong. We finally talked and she said she needed some space to figure things out and she cannot just let what happened be a thing of the past. I spent the next few days bombarding her phone with messages and calls to act as if nothing had ever happened. After I had called her enough she told me I was creeping her out and not giving her the space she needs. So I immediately tried no contact and for about a month I would break it once a week after I had saw her around campus. One day I just caved and my emotions got the best of me and I called her and texted her after seeing her. She responded right away then once I responded a little while later she didn’t respond for a whole day. Then once I had let her message sit for a little bit she sent me a message on another platform entirely completely out of the blue. I responded to both about a day later. She then never responded and then I ran into her on campus and finally got the courage to ask her what’s going on here. She said nothing is going on and that she doesn’t want anything from me right now. So now I feel I have exhausted all my choices and the only thing left to do is indefinite no contact. If you have any advice on what to do next it would be greatly appreciated.
Hi Alex.
All you can do now is indefinite no contact. The girl clearly feels smothered. But the worst thing about it is that she doesn’t know how to handle those emotions. She’s running away from them rather than trying to understand them and deal with them maturely.
Hang in there, Alex!
Zan
I and my ex dated for 5yrs. It was lovely regardless of the fights and arguments. March 1st, he said he wants to get really serious with me, we were both happy and by this time we’ve stayed apart in different cities for 2 months. March 4th, we had a little misunderstanding which was over nothing really. Next day being March 5th, he said he wants to break up. Lol, how? We were just talking about getting serious and you want to leave in the space of 4 days.
He said I wasn’t working on myself to be a better person. That I’m lazy and I procrastinate a lot. I agree that I was reluctant in achieving my goals which he talked about for long but early this year, I challenged myself and started taking a web development course. He was happy with me but said it wasn’t enough as I have to find something doing so that I can earn while learning the web development course. I started learning graphic design but I wasn’t showing much interest in it because web development is something I really really want and also I am an engineering student in her final year. The pressure was much. He said since I’m not earning, I’m a burden to him and all that.
He went further to say I’m no longer attractive to him because he loves girls on skimpy dresses, make up, artificial nails and all that. I wasn’t comfortable with them but I had to give in like 40% and 60% was for what I was comfortable with.
I begged, cried and pleaded with him. Was showing him my progress in graphic design and web development. I promised to start wearing the things he loves even if it’s 100%. I begged him because he was my first love and we lasted for 5 YEARS. I begged him like crazy. He agreed after 3wks to work things out. I was making a lot of progress with the courses I was taking. I started making up and sending him pictures of me on it and he was happy that I was doing the things he loves. After a week, he said he wasn’t interested that even if I do all he wants, that we can never get back together. He said he wants to be free to do the things he wants without feeling any guilt that he is in a relationship. I begged again but I decided to let him go.
Now, I don’t know if I still stand a chance to get him back because she said he is loving the space he has, doing what he wants without feeling any guilt and doesn’t want me around him.
Hi Dawn.
Your ex wanted to “get serious” because he was having doubts about the relationship. He wanted to discuss serious matters that would relieve his doubts and make him more committed to you. But because he couldn’t get out of the negative spiral, he initiated the breakup and pointed out your flaws.
He’s now loving the space as it feels liberating to him. Don’t take it personally, Dawn. It’s just the way dumpers are. Don’t beg him anymore and stay away from him. He may be your first, but he doesn’t have to be your last.
Kind regards,
Zan
My fiancé broke up with me 2 weeks ago.. he was very loyal loving the perfect man in that aspect. Yes he has insecurities and so did I. He was controlling in certain aspects but I don’t think meant to be .. he decided to leave because our arguments got to much. The first week of leaving (moving out) he promised to still see me and my 6 year old daughter (not his) and help me and be there for support. Which he did for the first week. So really now is the only sort of time we have not had much contact. And he said he feels trapped because he knows I’m hurting and he feels guilty. When we broke up he came over still and we still acted like we were together we both wanted that for comfort I suppose.. I’m very close with his family. He hasn’t blocked me but he’s been more blunt on the second week with texts and calls. The first week he said he loves me but not the same. And now it’s “I don’t love you anymore” and he doesn’t know what is best -going forward he wanted me in his life and not he’s not sure mainly because Everytime he leaves to go I would get myself in such a state of not wanting him to leave. I’ve been grieving so much and can hardly sleep or eat we were so wrapped up in each other and now I find myself lost.. will he ever come back? How would he want me in his life especially being with each other 247 day in day out. I did try a compromise and say Yano move out but stay together so then we have time apart. But he has to many insecurities to do so. Will he ever realise and come back he knows I love him and I told him I will wait for him and he always has a place here. Please what’s my next move ? I can’t give up something like what we had yes there are things to work on but I love him
Also to add- after begging him and calling him crying in such a state I’ve told him I will leave him to it and to contact me when he’s ready it’s been only a few hours since I’ve not contacted him
Hi Emma.
Begging and pleading won’t help you get your ex back. It will push him away further. The only thing you can do now is to go no contact and rebuild self-worth and the way he sees you. He won’t respect you if you don’t respect yourself. He currently feels guilty for hurting you and pressured. He must stop feeling that way and be free.
Best,
Zan
Thank you! I’ve left it 4 days.. and I sent him a “let you go message” today. and I did tell him how much I love him and how I was doing ect. And that I was moving on with life. but I have to respect that I have to let him go. He was glad to hear from me but said he was sorry the relationship didn’t work out.. and that right now he doesn’t want to talk.. in my eyes thats a bad sign right? My friends told he he is out having fun.. if he’s having fun why would he miss me?
How can time make someone miss you surely it makes them heal away from you and get them use to not being with you anymore? He hasn’t mentioned that he misses me what so ever he’s being quite cold but honest
Hi Emma.
Most dumpers focus on having fun. It’s because they feel relieved. At this moment he isn’t capable of missing you. So stay away from him and don’t reach out anymore. He has to be the one to realize your worth and put the work in.
Kind regards,
Zan
Myself and my ex broke up 2 months ago because she was afraid she would get hurt because it the past. She never told me and after 2 months things ended from tension because I knew something was wrong but she wouldn’t say what and then I withdrew.
The things is we talked after for a week, understood all the reasons and how simple they are to fix. We agreed to meet up and that knowing what we know now would probabaly fix things but she was traveling for work and then so was I so after 3 weeks of her not expressing any affection I got annoyed and in an argument asked her does she even have feelings anymore? She said she missed me and wanted it to work but since I got mad her she’s convinced it wouldn’t work.,
She started talking to someone from another city the next day and met two weeks later, all the while telling me she’s sad things ended but just didn’t think we were comparable but also asking how it could work. 2 weeks later I finally saw her in person, told her I loved her and that the problems were so trivial that we just needed to hang out to make it work again. She asked to think about it for a day, she was cold and distant for the next 5 days, I didn’t reply badly and after 3 days of not texting she messages to apologize and say she’s just so sad about our relationship and that she’s scared. She then called me and we talked and I explained how knowing what we know there are no more issues, we can just hang out together and plan trips together, she said that’s all she wanted and would like that. I asked when she was free and she told me she’s going on a 10 day holiday with that guy from another city, it broke me. I felt so confused and used I asked her if she thought I was worth more than him and If so then to cancel the trip since it was booked one day before or I could just go with her, she said she won’t do that to someone because it’s fucked yo yo cancel a planned trip and she’s aware there’s probably no future since it’s different cities but she still wants to travel.
I said tell me you want something with him more than me and I’ll accept it, she said she isn’t looking for something serious from the trip but just wants to travel and wants to spend time with me to do things before she can say if she thinks it would work. I sad ok and it ended there. Is she a bad person leading me on? Am I just pathetic for trying when I know she’s about to travel and fuck someone else? I actually understand wanting something new with no complications, I don’t judge her for that. But her admitting our issues were her fault and easily fixed and telling me she missed me a lot had really made me depressed.
What do I do here? I’m open to all advice, this kind of depression is really bad. It’s hard to think clearly about it.
In January My 6 years Gf and I were in A fight when she said i want to time to heal this relationship because she felt its getting toxic because of insecurities and arguments i was really ill at the time so i panicked and Didnt really gave her that time she asked . Then thing went like this till 15 feb When she said she needs break from this relationship and said i cant stay like this i want time for myself and i was in serious condition in hospital I was really scared that i am going to die alone so i begged cried hurted myself texted her continously For 20 days i even said 1-2 hurtfull things . Then She said that her decison was right and she blocked me and cut off from everywhere . Then i asked her friends they said its her final decison she wont change her mind that she feels really relived like a free soul . On 8th March she called and said that she loves me so much and wanted to save this relationship when she asked for time but all things i did ended everything and she dont regret it . She is starting her medical college now . She said she sees me like her father who was in toxic relationship with her mother and its impossible for her see me with same eyes again . We really loved each other never cheated , never really splitted , but she started drifting away when 6 months ago i felt it when she said i dont seem special now i seems same as other men do .But i thought she is just angry . When she left she didnt deny that she loved me she said its better to live seprate then being unhappy together . We were each others 1st love i have been in love with her for 15 years never really propsed her till 6 years ago she fell fell in love too . Its really Hard on me she didnt even meet me on calls she cried few times but last call was just rude and full of hate and anger . My biggest insecurity when we were together was that she is going to leave me for someone else bcz i know i am not perfect and its hurted her . I have never even seen other girls for 15 years and i dont think i will ever because she completed on another level i loved her unconditionally , it hurts so much that i got her and lost her , she even said that she wont let anyone in her life she will stay single because of how much she love me but wont stay with me . Should i wait some months to contact her again or should i just kill that hope inside me . I am so CONFUSED . She made it clear she wont come back in last call. I said i would like to Fix and change whats wrong but she said time will heal everything we cant do anything and wasnt ready to talk . It hurts so much i know i can survive without her but my every dream and every happy moment included her . And now she is gone i know i cant really live life to fullest even if i try my best .
My ex broke up with me after an impulsive argument (with a lot of misunderstandings). I cleared them up after but didnt get thorugh. Shortly after he has a new girlfriend, someone he knows for a year already. I tried a new attempt and he first was flattered and indecisive but then later revealed he has a girlfriend, and said he loves us both, but cant leave her cuz she havent done anything wrong yet so he cannot hurt her. I then tried to change his mind and begged a bit, he apologized but insisted on staying with his gilrfriend and will remain friends with me. I wrote some very impulsive messages after, however apologized the next day and wished him all the best. And instead of just saying thank you, he was like ‘it happens, now go heal’. As if im a crazy psycho bitvh. Unfortunately that triggered me a lot, because i just wanted a clear cut and simple thank you and goodbye. But i felt into needy, and asked him if hes mad and to please tell me hes not mad to calm my mind and i will leave after. He then got sooo pissed, called my unfixed and i need to heal and need to leave him the fuck alone, and that he has to block me ..which he did. …
he seems to be very happy with his new girlfiend, she already introduced him to her friends and since im blocked he also doesnt see my stuff anymore and wont ever get into nostalgia. Since he already said he loves us both, meaning he loves his new girlfriend, and i later pushed it to the annoylimit..i think there is absolutely no chance he will come back right? unless the new girlfriends makes a majoooooor mistake, but she is cute af actually and 7 years younger, admiring her new succesful boyfriend, so i doubt she will act wrong.
Its just so hard to accept for me because we were engaged, had a long distance relationship and were super close in finally moving together and making it work, but i think he dated and got into her earlier already, and as soon as i said something he doesnt liek or didnt completely obey to his plans, he had enough food to kick me and blame me for everthing, and happily start off with his new girl.
I begged, pleaded…our break up was over a misunderstanding. I love this man, but suspect I pushed too much. The nail in the coffin may have been admitting this all hurts badly and falling out of love is upsetting. It has only been 25 days since our break up and we have chatted a bit. Nothing heavy, I believe he may still care. I suspect with space I will either heal, or he will return. I also suppose asking for the concert ticket back that was a gift (a trip for us) was bad. He is very angry over this.
Hi Sarah.
Your ex is angry and upset, so don’t communicate with him anymore. Next time he reaches out, ask him not to reach out anymore and wish him well. You’ve got to put yourself first now. Remember that he’ll contact you and ask to get back with you if he really wants you back.
Best,
Zan
Dear Zan,
he broke up after 6 years of being together at the worst period of my life, while my mom was sick and hospitalized. he broke up through phone while i was in the hospital and we never met again ever since then. i know he did love me but his father did not approve me since i wasnt coming from the same rich european country as him and he wanted his son to breakup w me before we finish medical school. i did not beg but i did express my sadness several times and my dissapointment. i did ask him a year later of the breakup when we were again in the same country to meet and close the relationship in a more healthy way than through phone while i was in the hospital ( even tho he also asked me to meet him before i was still not ready and refused it before) but this time when i asked him to meet for a last time before i leave he told me he never wants to see me again not even for a goodbye cause i hurt him so much with my crying and sandness after the breakup…. It must sound selfish and very egoistic but i still ask myself the question will he ever miss me or think of me in a positive way or i fucked up all my chances cause of the too much crying and the one time of asking for a meeting…
thank u
xx
Hi Lili.
Your ex felt bad for you when you were hurting after the breakup. He didn’t understand that all you needed was a little bit of sympathy and care. But instead of caring about you, he thought you were hard to deal with, so he lost respect and built up walls.
One day, you’ll see it’s better not to get involved with a guy whose parents disapprove of you. It’s just easier when you’re fully accepted and supported by everyone.
Stay strong, Lili!
Zan
Thank you Zan , you are right even tho even if he did loose respect he could have dealt with more empathy instead of just blocking me.
Thank you for your work ,they help a lot.
Lili
Hi Lili.
He should have been more caring and considerate. Sympathy is the least you deserve.
Zan
I broke up with my bf on December 18th 2021 and now it is January 13th 2022. I begged him and pleaded him to come back to me till January 10th 2022 and he said no sadly. Now it has officially become 2 days since I didn’t talk to him. Do you guys think that I should start the NO-CONTACT RULE from now on and see what happens. Will it work? (I’m asking from guys specifically). Or even girls if you went through the same. I just want him back soo badly cause we were madly in love with each other.
Hi Nevaeh.
You should definitely start no contact so you can make him forget about all the begging and pleading. I can’t say if it will work, but it’s your best bet.
Kind regards,
Zan
My ex bf broke up with me in the beginning of December. I ended up coming to spend the holidays with him, it was amazing but I let my emotions get the best of me and I begged and pleaded for another chance. The only problem is I don’t know if I can still get another chance because of begging and pleading. Last night was New Year’s Eve and he kissed me. I am trying to show him I am trying to change and I know it is gonna take some time but I want to change for myself and for him. Do I have any hope for him to give me another chance even though I begged and pleaded 3 times on this trip with him for the holidays? We got into fights and I know he is annoyed with me. I really want another chance with him so what can I do to be able to get that one?
Hi Hayley.
I can’t promise you that he’ll want to be with you, but if you control your emotions and avoid looking desperate, he may respect you and stick around (at least for a while). You need to preserve your worth now that you’ve begged and show him you’re not afraid of losing him. Don’t play mind games with him, Hayley, but do get busy with your friends, hobbies, and interests.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thank you.. it was helpful.. but still I am hoping for the miracle
Hang in there, Naveed!
Zan
September she left me, for someone else, first week we were talking to each other, I saw her again 10 days later, we had sex, After that, We said we weren’t going to communicate for 3 weeks,I communicated after 4 days, she was not happy,she contacted me after 17 days,we were supposed to meet and she was okay, too emotionnal again, she cancel everything,4 days later I texted her, and she said that I hurt her so much, because she had invested so much in me, that I broke her heart in 1 million pieces,at the end of October I went to her house without her consent, one evening, and we talked for 2 hours, despite her having plans, she canceled them, I was surprised that she let me go home, at first she was not happy, but later she understood,she said after all our conversation she was going to reconsider,not to contact her for 2 months, and that she was going to contact me through her me,4 days later she contacts me, she calls me and she says she wants to be back with me, and that she has been thinking about me, but I was still too emotional ,, 4 days later she changes her mind and she dont want to be with me anymore,2 weeks later I text her, she says that it’s finished us 2, she says that I can call her, we talk for 1 hour on the phones, she invites me to her house in the evening, to discuss and we put things in the clear once and for all, she keeps devouring me with her eyes, when I have to leave, she tells me to kiss her on the cheek, 2 or 3 times, with a very soft voice … after that I look at her, she Said I make her nervous and bored and intimidate her and she says I’m overconfident, I put her on the wall, and we start kissing,since mid november, i have cut contact, what do you think i’m lost, she says she needs space, and when she is less angry, she will write to me, she says she just needed a break, we broke up because she thought i just wanted sex, and nothing more, she wanted a wedding, i say i love her 5 time in four years, barely say she beautifull, im far from needy its my problem, advice please thank you