If you begged and pleaded with your ex after the breakup and pushed your ex away, try not to worry too much about that right now. What’s done is done. Worrying about it is not going to help make things better. It’s just going to make you overthink and cause you to make even more mistakes.
It’s important to note that most dumpees do a little bit of begging and pleading during or after the breakup. They do it because the pain of rejection overwhelms them and forces them to reason with their ex. Little do they know that reasoning with the dumper does the opposite for their ex as it smothers the dumper and makes him or her want to be alone even more.
I’m not telling you this so you can blame yourself for your mistakes. I want you to know that you’re not alone as dumpees all over the world tend to make at least some breakup mistakes.
Typical post-breakup mistakes include begging and pleading, writing letters, buying an expensive ring, showing up unannounced, sending gifts, talking to the dumper’s friends and family, texting paragraphs of texts, and threatening or taking revenge.
Yes, some dumpees are in so much pain that they take revenge. They hope to see their ex react strongly with the intention to see that they can still influence their ex. For some dumpees, revenge is the only method left for making their ex respond to them.
You probably didn’t make any mistakes like that because your intentions were good, but you did some begging and pleading. You wanted your ex to think about leaving you and then return. But if you want your ex to respect you, you have to stop making these mistakes.
You have to acknowledge that your ex is detached and try to let go of control. Learning to let go of your ex is the solution to most of your problems.
In this article, we’ll discuss what begging does to the dumper and whether you ruined things with your ex.
The victim mentality
Right after the breakup, dumpees often think to themselves, “If I give my ex more love and attention, my ex will also give me more of the same. If I can prove how serious I am about the relationship, my ex will also take me seriously.”
But because dumpers are emotionally depleted and done with the relationship, they don’t feel the urge to “give more.” They feel a ton of negative emotions instead and think that their ex doesn’t understand them and respect them.
As a result, they refuse to take responsibility for their actions and develop what we call the victim mentality. This mentality makes them blame their ex for the breakup and tells them to avoid their ex like the plague. Avoiding their ex helps them have fewer uncomfortable moments with their ex and encourages them to think only about themselves.
You see, when the breakup happens, dumpers don’t want to think about their ex’s problems and concerns. They wish to prioritize themselves and live life as free spirits. If their ex makes it hard for them to do that, they tend to feel smothered and unhappy and may even do something their ex doesn’t want them to do.
Sometimes they also feel guilty because they feel bad that their ex is in so much pain while they’ve already moved on. But that doesn’t mean they come back. You’d think that guilt is something your ex needs to return, but guilt is a very bad emotion. It can make dumpers feel responsible for helping their ex when all they want is to look after themselves.
This obligation to help can make them angry and cause them to keep their ex far away from them.
So if you begged and pleaded with your ex for another chance, keep in mind that begging tends to obstruct the dumper’s freedom and happiness. It forces the dumper to think about you even though he or she is trying to get some space and distance.
Because your ex is in a position of power (feels angry, smothered, or disrespected), your denial and persistence can bring an unwanted reaction out of your ex and wound you badly.
You need to be aware of this so you stop begging immediately. You’ll likely have days when you feel like you can’t go on without your ex, but as difficult as your post-breakup life is, you mustn’t make your ex think that you rely on him or her for happiness.
Your ex must think that you’re handling the breakup well so that your ex avoids feeling guilty and admires your strength and determination.
I begged and pleaded with my ex. How badly did I mess it up?
If you begged and pleaded with your ex after the breakup, it’s not the end of the world. You need to remind yourself that although begging wasn’t the best thing to do, you were merely fighting for what you strongly believed in.
You were trying to prove your love and commitment to your ex even though you went about it the wrong way. A much better approach would have been no contact as leaving your ex to his or her devices would have made your ex feel in control of his or her life and allowed your ex to process breakup emotions.
Now that you begged, there’s no point in beating yourself up over it. You can’t change the past, but you can learn that begging doesn’t work and that the key to leaving a good impression on your ex is presenting yourself as an individual with confidence and high self-esteem.
Your ex’s respect for you is already at an all-time low, so you mustn’t decrease it to the point where your ex can walk all over you and get away with it. That won’t impress your ex. It will make your ex lose interest (more interest) and walk away without ever feeling nostalgic about the relationship.
Always remember that it was okay for you to make mistakes. You didn’t know better or lacked self-control at the time. But once you’ve made a mistake and learned that you shouldn’t have made it, you must work on yourself and do your best not to repeat it. A big part of life is to learn from missteps and improve your shortcomings.
The more things you work on, the fewer mistakes you’ll make in your relationships and after your relationships have ended. So take your errors lightly but also very seriously.
Forgive yourself for making them, but also figure out why you made them and how you can avoid making them in the future.
Begging your ex for another chance seldom works
Begging for another chance works when your ex is still committed to you. That’s when your ex will listen to most things you say and see that you care and want to make things work. But after the breakup, begging does the opposite for your ex as your ex no longer wants you to fight for the relationship.
Your ex wants you to give up because that’s exactly what your ex did. Your ex showed you the relationship has ended and that you mustn’t try to oppose your ex’s premeditated decision. Resisting it won’t make your ex feel special—just unheard.
Here’s what begging and pleading does to your ex.
Crying your eyes out and hoping your ex will pity you and want you back is not a very good ex-back strategy. That’s because reasoning with the dumpee in any way at all goes against the dumper’s wishes and triggers his or her repressed anger and/or contempt.
Your ex will respect you a lot more if you accept the breakup as quickly as possible and let your ex come to you. It won’t be easy to let go of your ex and embrace the unknown, but that’s the only way your ex will ever feel something positive for you again. Your ex might not come back because of it, but your ex will at the very least think more fondly of you.
Can begging and pleading change your ex’s perception of you?
Sadly, begging and pleading won’t change your ex’s perception of you for the better. It will worsen it because your ex will remember the last time he/she saw you/heard from you and want to avoid feeling the kind of emotions he or she felt when you begged.
Here’s how begging and pleading with the dumper changes your persona in the dumper’s eyes.
Whenever you feel the urge to turn into a beggar and beg your ex for another chance, remind yourself that begging and pleading will only push your ex away and cause a lot of long-term damage. And some of that damage will, unfortunately, be irreparable or extremely difficult to fix.
But the worst of all isn’t that your actions will change your ex’s perception of you.
The thing that you should be the most scared of is that you could unintentionally ruin your perception of yourself. If you allow yourself to plead with your ex for another chance, you could seriously damage your self-esteem and develop trust issues and mental health problems.
And that’s not what you want.
You don’t want to complicate your life because of your ex. You want to grow from this experience and trust people with your emotions.
Begging will make you want to beg more
If you’re begging your ex for love and attention and aren’t getting what you need, you’re going to want to beg even more. When you get rejected, you’ll get hurt and need your ex to come back and love you.
Continuous begging will keep you hooked on your ex and force your ex to reject you over and over again.
Here’s a picture of what a never-ending cycle of begging looks like.
Every time your ex rejects you, he or she hurts you deeper and causes more long-term suffering.
And the more you suffer, the more you’ll think that talking your ex into getting back with you is going to work. But in reality, evoking negative feelings never works.
Happiness, confidence, high self-esteem, lots of dating options, success in life, a fit body, a promising job, lots of friends, a happy family, and everything positive is what it takes to attract the right kind of individual.
That’s why crying to your ex accomplishes the opposite of what you’re trying to achieve. It gives your ex reasons not to love you and reduces the chances of your ex coming back now and in the future.
Keep in mind that your ex left because he or she was unhappy and that when you show unhappiness, you basically confirm that your ex made the right decision to leave you.
By begging and crying, you don’t show that you care. You show your ex that you lack what it takes to be happy with what you have and on your own. And your ex knows that a person who can’t be happy on his or her own won’t make him or her happy either.
That person will over-rely on him or her for happiness and success in life.
So if your ex is happy and you’re miserable, it’s highly unlikely that your ex will want to be with you. The happiness scale has to flip upside down (your ex must become unhappy) for your ex to consider you a viable dating option.
That’s because your ex needs to develop the desire to get something from you.
Begging will ruin your health
If you’re begging your ex to come back, you need to stop. You must realize that begging and pleading is not going to work and that you’ll ruin your health and well-being in the process.
Begging and pleading likely won’t kill you, but it will greatly affect your self-esteem and trust in people. So before you let it get that far, seek professional help if you need to and solve your internal conflicts.
You must understand that people beg exes because they’re hurt, not because their exes are the best human beings. If you understand that, you’ll focus on yourself rather than your ex and process the breakup quicker.
So keep in mind that begging your ex to be with you will have bad consequences on your body and mind.
Here’s an infographic explaining the effects of prolonged begging and pleading.
You’ll probably find it extremely challenging to stop begging and pull away from your ex at first, but try to gather your strength and do it anyway. You can start by following the infamous 30-day no contact rule and focus on yourself rather than your ex.
Focus on your recovery because that will help you detox and detach from your ex. No matter how hard no contact is. you need to convince yourself that reaching out first is meaningless and that it’s your ex’s turn to show interest and affection.
It can’t be the other way around anymore as it’s time to get your lost power back.
I begged with my ex back. Is it too late?
I can’t say whether you pushed your ex to the point of no return, but I can tell you that excessive begging and pleading tends not to end well.
That’s because exes have only so much patience before they get tired, irritated, and give up.
Your ex is currently in a very tired state. He or she can’t handle any obstructions and delays. Every time you exude desperation, you look more unattractive and make your ex want to run for the hills.
As a dumpee, your goal is to take care of your persona (the way your ex sees you). You have to keep it the way it was when you got dumped. Staying composed could help you achieve that goal as it could tell your ex you respect yourself and that you won’t beg anyone for attention.
Not even an ex who blindsided you.
A little bit of begging shouldn’t completely ruin your chances, but if you begged a lot, it may have annoyed your ex too much to respect you, become nostalgic, and crave the things you have to offer. For now, try not to worry about that. You need to focus on self-reflection and improving yourself.
Can I get my ex back after begging for months?
If you begged with your ex for months and showed no respect for yourself and your ex, things don’t look very good right now. Your ex would have to be an extremely understanding and emotionally mature person not to get offended by your actions.
He or she would have to understand breakups and respect you no matter what you say and do.
But most dumpers, unfortunately, aren’t like that. They get tired and annoyed very quickly—and tend to block their dumpee and move on to someone else.
The only thing that could bring your ex back after begging for months is your ex getting involved with a highly incompatible person and realizing that you were much better in comparison. That could trigger your ex’s anxiety and make him or her come running.
I strongly encourage you not to keep waiting for your ex that long. Try to detach rather than stay attached so you can get your happiness back regardless of whether your ex comes back or not.
Here’s a video with some tips you can follow whether you begged, blocked your ex, or made other post-breakup mistakes.
Did you beg and plead with your ex? How long did you beg for? Leave your comment below and ask us any questions you’d like.
And if you wish to discuss your begging on call or by email, sign up for a session here.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
I messed this up. I did contact her after she left although I did it in a polite manner I still showed my emotions and made it clear that I wanted to save our marriage. Then after 2 weeks we met up and she said she loved me, missed me, was angry with me, but forgave me and had been thinking about me a lot. She gave me the impression that we would not divorce. Then she stonewalled me for 5 weeks and in this time i sent her 2-3 messages in total. Very heartfelt and apologetic and also expressing my needs and understanding of her. Out of nowhere she one morning enters our apartment unannounced with a friend and tells me it’s over and that she wants me to move out and she’s come to pick up som stuff. At this point I acted pathetic. I pleaded and tried to get an explanation. I wanted to end it in a humane manner and not like this (her refusing to look me in the eyes or talk). I unravelled after this and to escape I went abroad trying to do something nice for myself but ended up in a car accident that almost killed me. When the embassy called her (still being my wife) she didn’t reach out to me or react. My friends said “that’s unforgivable” and I agree intellectually but emotionally I trauma bonded and became codependent. The relationship was toxic and violent (we both hit each other) and I’m upset because it didn’t have to end like that. It was love at first sight and we had such a positive effect on each other. Now she hates me and acts vengeful. She clearly doesn’t respect me and I lost my self-respect during the relationship and post breakup. I feel like in a marriage you can’t do the no contact though. I mean I didn’t even know if she wanted a divorce (she waited 2 months to tell me). During this process I put her above me. During the relationshop I put myself first. But how do I get myself back now? After having humiliated myself like this? I have a huge scar om my stomach from the carcrash now and she walked away without any loss. I am older too and don’t feel like I have time on my side (I am 37 and she is 29 and yes we are two women so the biological clock is a factor). I feel like I was blinded. That she was more a muse to me than an equal partner. She lacked initiative. Nothing ever happened unless I made it happen. She is looking at herself as the victim not taking any responsibility for our toxic dynamic. We were two. She acts as if everything is my fault and treats me like a monster which for 2 months made me feel like a monster and question everything. I lost myself and my inner compass in this 5 year relationship. What do I do now? I am already scarred for life. I lost the most critical years of my life in terms of fertility and probably won’t have time to have get a family now (maybe single mum but that scares me). i am choked that she can marry me and say she loved me forever and then leave after 3 months and act like it ment nothing and reduce me to my worst actions and not the WHOLE person I am. I resent her for that. I am dissapointed. But I still feel a longing because of the trauma bonding. Any way to get her to see me in a different light and get back respect? What is your best advise for me? i have really ruined my health permanently and how can I live with that? 3 months later I am still in a lot of physical pain from the car accident and surgery. How could I be so stupid to put her (a rather ordinary girl) above myself? And how do I live with this scar when it reminds me of this stupidity and codependence? I don’t wanna look at it and think of her in the future. Was it wrong of me to apologise? I mean we hit each other! I feel like you would have to be a moron not to apologise for that! But she never did. And the carcrash was random but also kinda due to me driving upset with adrenaline pumping and being distracted to 2 sec. while changing some music …Would it have happened if she hadn’t left me? I’ve always like to drive fast…but probably not. I mean i wouldn’t have been that reckless …Any way I can look at this differently to move on? This is a huge scar permanently ruining my looks. I regret letting myself down by acting pathetic and reckless much more that I regret losing her. It’s the losing myself that is killing me! I miss myself more than I miss her. But I can’t cuddle myself and have THAT.
My female best friend has falsely accused me for her troubles and said that she does not want to continue our bond. I tried to clarify her and texted and called her repeatedly. Instead of getting my point, she blocked me from all around. I again tried and as hard as I can to clear the air. I asked my aunt to talk to her and she unblocked me. We both went on a hangout where she asked me to pay the bill for lunch, drinks, and her shopping so she will forgive me. I did the same. On return, she again started behaving rudely to me. I asked her to stop doing this for two days and she started giving me the silent treatment. She texted my aunt and told her that she needs time and when my aunt told me this, I texted my female best friend that she should block me for a while because I am suffering from some trauma and need her in my difficult time but as she is not ready to support me currently, my texts will be overwhelming for her. I asked her to block me for a while and when I will be ok, I will approach her. She said ok. After some therapy sessions for a week, I texted back her to get back to normal. She replied that she doesn’t want any contact with me now as she is finding much peace in my absence. I again tried to stop her. My mom and sister talked to her as well but she replied to them that she isn’t interested anymore because when things get smooth again and she went on hangout with me and when she again behaved wrongly, I have asked her to block me. She didn’t tell them the reason why I have asked her to do so. The incidence started on March 1, 2024. My aunt talked to her on March 9. We went on a hangout on March 11. I asked her to block me for a while on March 13. I texted her back to unblock me on March 18. Now, one thing that she is narcissist. From March 20, our holidays started. She unblocked me again on March 24 and texted me about some issues. I didn’t text her until March 29. On that day, I again asked her to forget the previous happenings but she again blocked me. I again stopped her again and again. From April 1, I stopped texting her. On April 8, I again approached her to revive the bond. My mom also talked to her but she didn’t responded well to her. On April 11, I have decided to go complete no contact with her. My therapist has told me that she is narcissist. Now tell me if she will comeback.
Hi The Alpha King.
You have to rely on your own strength not to message her rather than asking her to block you. The girl doesn’t want to engage in conversation due to overwhelm and desire to feel free. Respect her feelings and heal for good. Don’t keep reaching out and trying to fix things because you’ll make her keep losing respect for you.
Go full no contact and stay in it!
Zan
Hi Zan, my ex and I were madly in love for about a year until our trauma came to the surface and we gradually began triggering each other constantly. It was a lot of back & forth and someone feeling anxious, someone avoidant (I believe we are both FA). One day, and this is the only time he ended things, he said “I’m done”. It’s been a little over a month. He believes he made a healthy decision, since then I have done as much as possible to improve myself. Financially, physically, professionally, been hanging w more friends & people. But I still miss him. I thought that I wouldn’t, but even with all of those things in place, I realized I do still want him back. I have begged a couple of times since then and he says that he hopes that we work out in the future but that he gets really tired or the lengthy emotional conversations, and he just wants us to talk as more of friends because that’s what he felt our relationship was lacking. I keep messing up and crying and begging. He says he loves me so much but after the last time I just felt so ashamed of myself it is destroying me mentally. I guess I don’t have as good a grip on my emotions yet as I thought. I feel like I ruined the best relationship I’ve ever been in. What do you suggest?
Hi Carly.
I think you trauma-bonded with this person. You think it’s an amazing relationship because you wanted him for the wrong reasons. You need to work on your fears and attachment problems, Carly. Improving financially is okay, but what you really need is to open up to someone and get to the root cause of your relationship anxieties and behaviors.
He clearly feels bad for leaving you. He sees how badly the breakup affected you, so he tells you things you want to hear (that he loves you). Currently, he feels relieved, so you’ve got to let him go and do your best to resist breaking no contact.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hey Zan,
My girlfriend of 3 yrs broke up with me 2 days before new years and all I got was she can’t do this anymore and left, she was crying at first but as soon as she started packing she stopped being emotional, I had begged and pleading for atleast 2 weeks but never for anything back from her other than that she needed space and that I should accept this new normal of being single and I should move on. This was the first 2 weeks post break up, after a few weeks last I had been off and on communicating with her mom and dad as they are separated and both of them like me. Yea known I messed up their also, well flash forward to the Super Bowl Sunday and I had a mental break down and drove to her moms house where she is currently living and asked for answers to my questions I had asked, I got a this was inappropriate to have done and that there isn’t anything to reconcile. I feel she had said that out of anger and she has not blocked me on social media or anything else, she sometimes makes and appearance at the gym i go to but she completely avoids me which I figured is gonna happen, I don’t plan on changing gyms as we both are adults here. My question I’ve been in no contract since my football fumble are my chances completely lost at this point? We actually had a really good relationship prior to my grandfather passing a few months back that had really put alot of stress on me and made me kinda dissociate from the world and found out that I had low T post breakup, which I did message her about that since the physical thing did come up in prior conversations pre breakup. I know she still loves me deep down and I never did anything mean or bad to her ever, was always loving towards her. Is this salvageable cause I still deeply love her and I know all her family is also disappointed in her choice in this.
Zan,
I would also like to add, that during this time I have been aggressively working on myself mentally, physically and emotionally, have been taking therapy, working out everyday, eating right and have since lost 45Lbs and gained muscle (im 6ft 5) during the last almost 2 months, I’ve been reading more, praying has been a daily routine for me and I’m not religious, more spiritual and also have since started reading the Bible, I’m not sure what inclined me to do that but I feel it’s necessary to help me get through this tough time, I do feel like praying is somehow helping my chances get her back cause she has been attending church more often pre-breakup. She just turned 30 in September, not sure if that info helps any. One comment she did make was I was emotionally unavailable. And I get that, with my regress back into my head from my grandfather passing it makes total sense. I want to know with me working on myself so aggressively and with intent on my side, and yes I’m doing it for me to be my best self, but I’m gonna lie though, it’s also to make her notice that I’m evolving as a person into the best version I could ever be, have purged a lot of physical possessions, cars, trucks, pew pews, and have also purged any items that have no significance in my life. Basically I’m letting go of things that cause me distraction in my relationship(s). I don’t know if that would help portray a new me but I’m believing it’s helping. I’m also looking into volunteering in my community and conquering a fear of heights in the from of scheduling a skydiving event. Would this be noticed by her since she has not blocked my on social media and would it help any in my goal of getting her back?
Hi Stephen.
Generally, the longer the dumpee begs, the more damage he causes. In your case, two weeks of begging did some damage, but it’s probably not irreversible. As for your improvements, she’ll notice them when she’s ready for them. Right now, she needs space and doesn’t care whether you’ve improved or not. She’s convinced that leaving you was the right thing to do and that she needs to keep her distance from you.
Keep learning/doing new things and improving. It could make a positive impression on her once she’s processed the breakup and gotten into trouble.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan My ex broke up with me and blind sighted me out of no where. This happend about 2 weeks ago now. I begged initially but not like horribly then left her alone for a week and made one last attempt. She responded and said sorry if i gave you the wrong idea essentially saying she needed space. i’ve finally accepted it now and left her alone. But that final time i made an attempt at the two week mark ive been completely ignored and no response what so ever. she doesn’t even open my messages anymore. her reasons for breaking up with me was because she said she fell out of love with me was not happy in the relationship anymore which lasted just under a year and she said she didn’t see a future with me. Have i completely ruined my chances and should i just let go. or will no contact maybe bring her back in due time or is it a lost cause.
Thanks in advance.
Hi Sam.
I know it’s hard, but it’s better for you emotionally to let go of hope. She isn’t interested in conversing and patching things up, so your only option is to let her be. Go no contact and perhaps she’ll realize your worth the hard way one day. It’s hard to say if she’ll be back, but try to think that she won’t. That way, you’ll let go of her quicker and find inner peace. You haven’t made any major mistakes, so just go no contact and focus on yourself.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I did a mess.
My ex dumped me in september for another girl. He then told me he was not speaking with her anymore. In the meanwhile we kept speaking everyday (we didnt met in person, LDR). During that period he told me he did not want to come back with me but still he was very jealous and very attracted towards me. I found out in December that during all that time he was indeed still speaking with that girl and they had a long didtance relationship. I contacted her, since I’m impulsive, and I told her the truth (he was doing sexting with me while he was with her). She dumped him. In the meanwhile I did all the post breakup mistake (begging, pleading, thousand calls, messagges, gifts, I also went to speak with him at his home but he knew I was going there, it was not unnancounced). I am depressed, this is the low point of my life, I have suicidal thought and I started taking tavor due to the stress and anxiety. I am afraid that I destroyed my persona in his eyes. I was his first love, we were together two years and he deeply loved me. During our relationship I never showed myself like this, I was never desperate or insecure. I never was like the person I am now. I don’t recognize myself.
Do I have hope even if I did all the post breakup mistakes? Will he eventually start to miss me if I do no contact even after 3 months of breakup mistakes where he saw me at my lowest? He now think of me that I am a mentally insane stalker.
I was his first love and he was my true love. Do I have any chance with him?
Hi Silvia.
There’s always a little bit of hope, but try to be realistic. The guy left you and had a relationship with someone else. If it weren’t for your interference, he would probably still be dating her right now. It’s possible that he blames you for the destruction of his relationship even though he brought it on himself. I don’t know if he’ll miss you, but if he does, it will be because of no contact and a lack of succees in the dating world. Give him more than 3 months. Leave him alone forever and let him contact you if he wants to. Right now, he has all the power, and that’s not good. It’s hurting you emotionally and making him feel like he’s the prize.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I found out that I never actually spoke with her (it was one of his fake profile), so she doesnt know anything about me or what happened and they are still together, 5 months now. They are in a LDR, bit he will probably move to her place in summer. I am devasted. I hope with all my heart that the relationship will fail and that he will come back to me one day because I still love him. Do you think that after begging first four month I will have any chance? He said he cant predict the future but its very unlikly that he will return to me (99.9% he will not return he said) because he doesnt love me and because all the begging I did for 4 months. Did he said this because he is with her? Maybe if the relationship will fail he will indeed return?
Hi Silvia.
He could return in the future despite your begging, but you need to understand that he’s with someone else right now and that he can’t see himself being with anyone else. That could change if he gets disappointed and hurt by this partner. It depends on whether he’s capable of changing the way he sees you.
You need to stay away from him so he doesn’t think poorly of you.
Best,
Zan
My boyfriend of about 1.5-2 years just recently broke up with me. He states it was due to my mental health heavily impacting the relationship. He stated he was burnt out, and didn’t have anymore patience or drive to fix the relationship. I begged and pleaded for him to stay, and after a while he agreed we could take a break and I would just give him space. Well I failed miserably at giving him space. I texted him and called him constantly. Which in turn he stated made him feel as though I didn’t respect him. Even though that wasn’t my intention, I know that’s not how he had seen it. After about a week of trying to take a break, he came back again and told me he didn’t think that he wanted to try, and he was done. Again I begged and pleaded for him to stay. He told me that he would give me a chance. He’d give me about a month to work on my mental health, giving him space and time away so he could take the time he needed. Well after 2 days of no contact, I reached out because of an external situation that was very triggering for me and he was the person who usually grounded me. I drove over to his house, I called him asking him if he could maybe come outside and see me for just a bit. Just because I was panicking and needed someone. He lied to me about being home. So in turn I told him I knew he was lying because I came by his house. He got angry at me (for good reason, I know I shouldn’t have) and he’s blocked me on most social media platforms. He didn’t remove me off everything though. He still looks at my stories and he still talks to me. Still said he’d make time for me. But when he lied about not being home it was because he was with a rebound. When I asked him about her, he told me that he doesn’t have feelings for her. He doesn’t have feelings for anyone right now. He said he has other priorities in his life like his finances, job, and other things before he can even think about a relationship with me, or anyone else.. and I guess I’m just looking for some guidance. I’m scared he’ll never want me back, because I want to be with him. And deep down I believe he would want that to. We had a very deep meaningful relationship. We had a very strong connection, and we were best friends. About 2 days ago he came by to grab his things. I wrote him a letter, and gave him his Christmas gift I got him, which was a keychain telling him to be safe and that I loved him. While reading the note he cried, and opening the gift. I asked if I could hug him. He told me yes. He came up gave me a hug, squeezed me really tight. He hugged me for a couple minutes. And when he let go he grabbed my face and kissed my forehead like he always did when we were together.. so deep down I believe he still does have feelings for me. I talked to him about a day ago. He said he doesn’t want to try anymore. He’s been smothered, and right now he’s asking for space. I asked him if he knows if he’ll reach out. He says he doesn’t know if it’ll be soon. In one month, 3 months, 6 months or even a year. He doesn’t know.. but when we talked he said I’ll always be one of his people. No matter what happens if I absolutely need him to be there. He would be there. So part of me doesn’t want to let go of hope. I want to step back and work on myself, but do you believe that he might come back after a few months. Once I’ve given him space to be his own person, do his own thing. Maybe he’ll miss me and want to come back together.
You still stand a good chance but you are slowly pushing him away by acting as if you can’t respect his space and you are unable to control your emotions……please wait for him to miss you,he still cares but that can change if you Stay desperate out of fear of losing him.
Hi Sierra.
Your ex got tired of helping you out so frequently. He wanted you to be emotionally strong and uplift him instead of pulling him down with you. Before you think about getting back with him, you have to improve your mental health and become emotionally independent and strong. Don’t expect him to want to be with you when you’re not okay with yourself and capable of resolvin your own issues.
I suggest you stop contacting him and sign up for therapy. Figure out what the problems are in your life and what you can do to become a secure individual. Once you’ve done that, you won’t need him that badly and will, as a result, have a better chance of reattracting him.
Kind regards,
Zan
Sierra,
This sounds almost exactly like my situation with my ex. Hearing your story & Zan’s reply brings me a lot of peace. I understand how hard it can be to let go. Him lying to you wasn’t right either, it keeps you in this mindset of having to search for more answers and wondering if there’s more to the story than you are aware of. But it sounds like he truly does care a lot for you. I think if you work on your anxious attachment and find worth within yourself, he will be so glad to see you again. Wish you the best!
Hope you are having a good day,
I don’t know if it constitutes as begging, but I am pretty sure it made me look desperate,
so basically we broke up 6-10 months ago, she did eventually reach out after 3 months of the breakup but I being the idiot I am just overthrew my negative feelings about her out the window and was pretty accepting of her.
Anyways, I tried to initate hangouts mostly with other people, would say 5-9 times? in the span of 10 months, I tried not to look desperate and act normally, eventually I just went no contact after the last time.
last few months of those 10, we’ve had an argument, in which I explained my thoughts, about me reaching out not meaning that I want to get back, and her not responding is just disrespectful but nothing came into fruition.
So does these scenarios count as begging? and is there a chance?
Hi Nickschin.
It wasn’t the worst breakup mistake because you didn’t directly plead for her time and love, but you did nonetheless expect her to act a certain way and ultimately, come back. Dumpers sense desperation a mile away even if you try too hide it. Emotions and expectations are difficult to hide from someone who feels emotionally exhausted and gets overwhelmed easily.
From what you’ve told me, she seems unreceptive. Your chances of reconciliation are slim. I suggest that you work on healing and letting go of hope.
Best regards,
Zan
hello,
is begging for closure and asking lots of questions as bad as begging for another chance ?? i begged for closure and to have a final talk for 5 days because i had many unanswered questions but i respected their decision and never begged for him back, i just wanted to understand why, then he told me that he didn’t want to talk about it and that i was only thinking on myself and then i apologized and sent a paragraph explaining why i was acting like that (i was overthinking a lot and thought that his answers would help to know where i went wrong) and apologized for asking many questions and started no contact, after some months he reached out but just to ask how i was doing
Hi Ana.
Annoying your ex with too many questions is indeed a mistake. If you need closure, talk to him and leave him alone afterwards. Don’t keep pestering him with things that don’t concern him. You should never beg an ex for closure. If he doesn’t give it willingly, you need to find it on your own.
Best,
Zan
Hey Zan,
My ex gf wanted to split last summer, however I convinced her/asked her to stay living with me and other uni roommates (We both 23). the year was kinda bumpy as she was keen not to really commit into the relationship and wanted to be by herself, however we were able to do “relationship” things casually as she even initiated some of them by herself after some time. However every time we talked about it she with her avoidant style (me attachment so you can imagine it) it ended badly as she wasn’t feeling the love anymore, over it etc.. This summer holidays got pretty bad as we argued about that a lot which ended to me being blocked as we both abroad rn for couple of months. Like I know she cares about me so much still but I wanted to know if you would consider the whole year as “begging” because I want to leave her space rn as she had her mind made up quite drastically after the block (“I don’t want to talk anymore, never ever we gonna be together again, don’t want to do anything we did together and were happy bout that). I was told to go no contact, as there isn’t any other way anyway. But what would you say it’s going on in her head? I know she feels so much relief and no burden to carry for now, but do you think she can get back to let that being at least open (we had been together for 4 years of absolutely perfect relationship before) and meanwhile work on myself to try to reattract her as well later.
thanks a lot!
Hi Alex.
Your ex remained doubtful after giving the relationship another chance. She couldn’t commit fully, so she waited for an opportunity to leave. When it came, she took it right away and asked for space. Currently, she’s going through the dumper stages, focusing on herself. I suggest you let her do that.
Best,
Zan
Thanks for the reply! How would you say the relief period could last circa judging bu the situation? Or do you see it completely buried in the ground after recent events for the future/upcoming months when we are still both abroad before coming back?
Hi Alex.
It could last a couple of months or so. After that, your ex will still want space, but not as much as she does now. How quickly she processes relief depends on her understanding of herself and ability to handle difficult emotions.
Kind regards,
Zan
I begged my ex for a week now wrote letters called her friends and even her sister… She was crazy in love with me and that love faded away within a month… we were together for 3.5 years… Was begging for a week too much?
Hi Pablo.
I don’t know if it was too much, but it definitely wasn’t helpful. You need to leave her alone from now on so she doesn’t resent you. Some dumpers get very angry when their ex begs for another chance and need lots and lots of time to get over it.
Let your ex contact you when she’s ready.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hello,
I was together with my ex for 4.5 years. He broke up with me about 5 months ago and I begged for him back for 4 months. Now I’m September I have been no contact with him because I realized that I was pushing my feelings onto him. I wrote to him that I will no longer be bothering him as it hurt me to be in that position.
During the begging, he was talking to a girl and even went on dates with her. I unfortunately brought that up when I begged for a chance.
I do wish him well and everything as he is not a bad man, but I do feel so guilty for pushing a lot on him during these times.
I do still hope for a chance but I am giving him that space he needs. I know I messed up big time but I really do hope there is a chance.
What are your thoughts on this?
Hi Emma.
I think you need to let him go for now. When an ex starts dating someone else, he doesn’t care about you romantically. You need to come to terms with that and cut him out of your life. He might come back in the future, but don’t count on it. There’s no guarantee that he’ll fail and reflect afterward. He could move on to someone else and waste your time.
Kind regards,
Zan