Meeting Up With An Ex Can Backfire!

Meeting up with an ex as a dumpee can be dangerous. It can make you relive the pain from the breakup and force you to crave your ex’s love and support again. It can reset your healing and make you wonder why you decided to meet up with an ex who rejected you and hurt you more than anyone else.

If you’re thinking about meeting up with an ex for the first time since the breakup, be very careful. Don’t just think about how great it would be if things went the way you want them to go. Make sure to also consider the dangers of meeting up with an ex. Dangers such as your ex wanting to be friends, telling you he/she is dating again, and showing you that he or she is happy.

These things could hurt your self-esteem and stop you from moving on for weeks or longer. So don’t be hasty. Ask yourself if you’re thinking of meeting up with your ex mainly because you’re in pain and want the pain to go away. If the answer is yes, you may want to consider postponing the meetup for a while so that you can lower the expectations of your ex coming back to you.

Although many dumpers invite their exes out to get back with them, not all dumpers do that. Some just want to catch up, bury the hatchet, or be friends. It’s also possible that your ex wants to meet up to assuage his or her guilt or talk about something he or she needs help with.

That wouldn’t help you much if at all. It would just make you analyze your ex’s behavior and make you wonder if your ex is playing games with you.

So instead of meeting up with an ex shortly after the breakup, it might be in your best interest to avoid unnecessary stress and anxiety by staying in no contact. You might be happier if you don’t meet up with your ex and see that your ex isn’t thinking about getting back with you.

That’s because seeing your ex in person (and that your ex doesn’t want you back) could make you crave your ex’s validation again. The meetup could have a drug-like effect on you and make you think that you need to stay on good terms with your ex to impress your ex.

That would increase your ex-dependency and delay your healing process.

So consider prioritizing your health and well-being so that you don’t do something you might regret.

If you’re thinking of meeting up with your ex and you don’t know whether to accept your ex’s invitation, this article will provide you with some information. It will help you make a sensible decision and dissuade you from saying yes to everything your ex suggests.

Meeting up with an ex can be avoided

Please know that you don’t have to meet up with an ex if you think that seeing and talking to your ex is going to hurt you. You don’t need to do it no matter how desperate you are for your ex’s recognition. Your well-being always comes first.

This includes your physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, and financial well-being. You need to protect yourself by keeping your ex at a distance for as long as it takes – even if it takes years.

So if you have a feeling that your ex doesn’t want you back and that meeting up with an ex from the past could endanger your happiness and healing, feel free to reject your ex’s invitation.

Decline your ex’s offer in a respectful way and tell your ex that you’re not interested in meeting up.

You don’t have to go into detail and give your ex a thorough explanation of your decision-making process. Just say that you’re not interested at this moment because you’re trying to focus on yourself and that you’ll let your ex know if you change your mind.

That’s it.

The thing with exes is that they don’t always want to get back together with us the moment they contact us. Most of the time they just want to know how we’re doing so that they can reduce their guilt and move on with a clear conscience.

What you should pay attention to is who suggested meeting up. If it was you, it’s highly likely that your ex doesn’t want you back. He or she most likely accepted your proposal to exchange a few words and learn how you’re handling the breakup.

This kind of meetup likely won’t progress in ways that you want it to. Not even if you keep meeting up again and again. Most exes who get back together meet up only once. And most of the time, dumpers suggest meeting up themselves. That’s because they’re hurting, regretting breaking up with their dumpee, and need their ex’s validation.

So keep in mind that by inviting you out, your ex may plan to use you for his or her selfish reasons that have nothing to do with you and discard you the moment your ex gets what he or she wants. That would likely hurt you more than anything and leave you confused.

In the breakup world, we call this breadcrumbing.

The only difference between regular breadcrumbing and in-person breadcrumbing is that, well… the latter happens in person, rather than via texts and calls.

That’s why you have to be careful about meeting up with an ex after the breakup. Before you agree to meet up with your ex, make sure that your ex appears regretful, sad, and defeated. If your ex is talkative and happy, you won’t gain anything by meeting up with your ex as you’ll meet up with your ex for the wrong reasons.

You’ve got to understand that not all meetups are good meetups. Sometimes dumpers want to meet up because they don’t want to lose the connection they have with their ex. They want to keep their ex around for convenience, so they decide to invite their ex out and talk about unimportant things.

Do your best to discover your ex’s intentions before you agree to meet up. A simple way to do that is to ask why your ex wants to meet up. If your ex says he or she misses you and wants to catch up, that’s an invitation for friendship.

You’re looking for an emotional, shy, anxious, reluctant, yet concise response that indicates your ex wants to talk to you about something important.

You can safely reject your ex’s invitation!

If you want to get back with your ex, you don’t necessarily have to accept your ex’s invitation to meet up the moment he or she invites you out.

The reason you don’t have to be a “yes-man” to your ex is that if your ex really wants to see you, your ex will insist on meeting up with you even if you say no! Your ex will be anxious and try to find out why you said no. That’s when you can explain that you’re focusing on yourself and that if your ex wants to say anything to you that he or she can say it on the phone/through text.

I know you may have some doubts and probably think that your ex would instantly give up because your ex is the most stubborn and prideful person on the planet, but pride isn’t an issue when a person is anxious. When the dumper really wants you back, he or she will instantly overcome pride and all childhood issues.

Pain is much stronger than pride, hence why you can expect your ex to insist on meeting up or just say what he or she wanted to say on the phone.

I’ve personally witnessed many breakups where dumpees said no to meeting up with dumpers but dumpers continued to request to meet up anyway. They came up with excuses to see dumpees in person and arranged the meetup despite being rejected.

Such dumpers didn’t take no for an answer. They wanted to reconnect with their ex and help themselves feel better.

That’s why you aren’t obliged to agree to meet up with your ex when your ex invites you out.

You can just play it safe and protect your heart by respectfully declining the meetup and waiting another few minutes to see whether your ex is serious about you. If he or she is, your ex will invite you out. And if your ex isn’t, he or she isn’t serious about you and doesn’t want nor need you back. Your ex is okay with just catching up or being your friend.

Here’s what you can do when your ex wants to meet up with you.

You would swim oceans to get back together with your ex, so don’t think your ex would give up on the first try. If your ex wanted you back, your ex would try to convince you to meet up by saying something promising like “I want to tell you something, I want to tell you in person, when are you free?”

So don’t be afraid of protecting your health and saying you don’t want to meet up. Just make sure to be polite so that your ex can see you aren’t holding any grudges.

Why does your ex want to meet up with you?

Every situation is different, but in general, exes want to meet up for the following reasons:

• to relieve their guilt and check up on you to see if you’re still hurt
• to become/remain friends with you
• for validation and self-empowerment purposes
• out of routine and habit – for boredom, entertainment, and various relationship wants, needs, cravings, and benefits
• to get back together with you

Sometimes exes want to meet up just to ask for some kind of favor and give nothing in return. They may, of course, thank you for the favor, but that won’t make you very happy and help you deal with separation anxiety. It will probably just confuse you a lot as you’ll wonder if your ex actually needs a favor or is just curious about you and wants an excuse to speak with you.

You likely want all or nothing from your ex. You want him or her to come back and love you or stay away from you and let you heal. So before you become just a friend to an ex you have feelings for, think about whether friendship is worth it. Do you want your ex to keep giving you hope or are you trying to let go of hope and detach once and for all?

Give it some thought and decide what the best course of action is.

Meeting up with your ex can help your ex fall in love with you again

It goes without saying that staying in your ex’s safety net can eventually make your ex come crawling back. But the bitter truth about it is that it usually takes a very long time for that to happen.

It could take months or years before your ex goes through the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper and naturally lets go of the smothering, repelling, breakup emotions.

Not only that.

When your ex stops feeling negative emotions toward you, he or she also has to start feeling positive ones. It’s no rocket science that your ex has to develop a craving to give love and receive love from you in order to commit to you.

So before you get too excited and hopeful, bear in mind that your ex may or may not ever develop such cravings again.

This strongly depends on:

• whether/who your ex is dating
• how he or she is feeling
• what’s happening in your ex’s life (the difficulties life throws at your ex)
• your ex’s mindset, self-awareness, and the ability to let go of the past
• your attitude toward life and your ex as well as the mistakes you make

These factors will determine your ex’s happiness and attraction toward you—as well as his or her willingness to bond on a deeper level.

Other than staying positive and avoiding post-breakup mistakes, therefore, getting back together with your ex is completely out of your control. You can’t do much to make your ex see you differently and feel different emotions for you.

All you can do is step back from your ex and let him or her come to you. That’s how your ex can see that you’re not a threat and that meeting up with you may be safe and the right thing to do.

After seeing you in person, your ex won’t immediately fall back in love with you. Your ex will still need to see your romantic worth.

And there are only two ways that could happen.

1. Your ex engages in introspection and realizes he or she wasn’t perfect either.
2. Your ex gets hurt and is forced to self-reflect and realize your worth.

Both methods work. But the method that tends to create better results is the one where your ex gets hurt and feels forced to grow and make some healthy adjustments.

Meeting up with an ex as friends

The real problem with meeting up with an ex as friends is that you may still have some feelings for your ex (or feelings you aren’t aware of). When your ex shows you he or she is doing fine without you, you could take that personally and get hurt.

And that could cause you a painful setback and make you want your ex’s validation again. The meetup could keep your wounds open and your heart broken for many months longer than it needs to be.

That’s why I suggest that you don’t settle for friendship with your ex for as long as you have certain relationship expectations of your ex.

As long as you crave your ex’s love and need him or her to feel secure, you’re far better off making some new friends and hanging out with your old ones.

I’m sure you have people in your life who can support you rather than confuse you and hurt you. Focus on those people and wait at least a year before you consider becoming friends with your ex.

But I want to show my ex I’ve changed!

Most male dumpees want to showcase change and improvement. They want their exes to see that they’re capable of growing and that they’ve made a lot of improvements. Such dumpees don’t understand that their exes don’t care about improvements.

They stopped caring about them when they gave up on dumpees and left them.

So even if you’ve improved in many ways, don’t think that your ex will be impressed by your personal growth. Your ex isn’t in a convincing state of mind, so your ex will probably just ignore it, congratulate you, or be angry with you for not improving sooner.

No matter what your ex does, don’t meet up with your ex to demonstrate how much you’ve learned and improved. Your ex won’t come back no matter how much you’ve grown. To come back, something bad will likely have to happen to your ex. Something that makes your ex want to be with the person you used to be.

Your improvements, therefore, would merely be a bonus.

When should you meet up with an ex?

It’s difficult to put a time frame on when it’s okay to meet up with an ex, but in general, it should be safe to meet up about 8 months or so after the breakup.

If it’s your first breakup, however, then you may want to wait a year or even a year and a half before you meet up with your ex. Basically, when you’re mainly or completely over your ex is when meeting up with an ex can be considered safe.

And that’s because you won’t expect anything or much from your ex. You won’t look at him or her with sparkling, puppy eyes as if your ex is the only human being left on Earth.

You’ll be your best detached self and will meet up with your ex strictly for old times’ sake to catch up as ex-partners.

With that said, here’s when meeting up with an ex is safe.

The reason you should wait until you’re over your ex is so that you and your ex can both recover in ways you need to. You as a dumpee will lose hope and become emotionally independent whereas your ex as a dumper will stop feeling smothered by your behavior and/or presence.

When that happens, you will be the most attractive you can be.

That’s because:

1. You’ll appear confident and not needy.
2. Your ex will let go of negative perceptions.
3. Your ex may develop a desire to be with you.

Meeting up with an ex for closure

Unless your ex tells you to reach out for closure, I strongly suggest that you don’t seek closure from a person who’s probably not going to give it to you.

Asking for it when you don’t know how your emotionally exhausted ex is going to react is a very dangerous move. It’s a gamble as it’s going to keep your expectations high and hurt you badly if your ex doesn’t give you what you need.

The only time you should meet up with your ex for closure is when your ex is mature, empathetic, and willing to help. That’s when you can tell your ex that you’ve accepted the breakup but that you’d like to ask some questions if that’s okay.

Say that your ex’s answers to your questions will help you process the breakup quicker and make you feel much better.

Once you’ve expressed a desire to meet up with your ex, wait for your ex to respond. An understanding ex will be happy to help you as doing so will make him or her feel good about it.

Meeting up with an ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend requires patience

Many dumpees want to meet up with their ex immediately after the breakup. They don’t care that their ex needs time to process the breakup. They just want what’s best for them and as a result, tend to make a lot of mistakes that irritate dumpees.

If you don’t want to annoy your ex and see your ex’s dark side, you need to give your ex space and let your ex be the one to invite you out. Your ex inviting you out will indicate that your ex is the one who’s interested in meeting up with you and getting something from you.

Always remember that the person initiating, planning, and inviting is putting in the effort and showing interest. He or she wants something from the other person.

And that’s what you’re looking for. You want your ex to show interest in you rather than you in him or her.

Meeting up with an ex after a long time

Meeting up with an ex after a long time is way better than meeting up after a few weeks. That’s because leaving your ex alone for a while will take the pressure off your ex and allow your ex to feel better about you.

It may not make your ex fall in love with you, but it will give your ex a chance to distance himself or herself from problems and see what life after the breakup looks like.

If your ex doesn’t like the way new life looks, your ex might give you your lost power back and ask to get back with you. And that’s when you can meet up and discuss the things you need to discuss as ex-partners.

The more time passes, the higher the chance that your ex will process things, run into some kind of problem, and want you back. So don’t be afraid of giving your ex time and meeting up after a long time. If you wait a long time, you won’t have any expectations of your ex and will handle the meetup much better than if you were to rush things.

How to ask your ex to meet up with you?

As a dumpee, you should never ask your ex to meet up with you.

There’s too much at stake, such as:

1. Reopening your wounds.
2. Pushing your ex away.

You’re way better off waiting for your ex to ask you to meet up with him/her. Your ex was the one who left, so your ex must be the one to come back. That’s how it needs to be so that your ex can become interested in you and invest in you.

As a dumpee, you need to understand that taking the initiative with your ex won’t solve any problems. It will create new ones as you’ll get rejected, push your ex further away, and suffer immensely.

You must give up on inviting your ex out and let your ex do the necessary work. You won’t be playing games or anything like that. All you’ll be doing is restoring balance to the broken relationship.

When your ex agrees to meet up with you

When your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend agrees to meet up with you, don’t get too excited. Try to first figure out why your ex accepted the invitation and if going through with the plan is even a good idea.

If your ex doesn’t even message you, talk to you, and show a strong need to meet up, there’s no point in following through. Your ex will most likely meet up with you just to see if it’s possible to be friends with you.

If you’re over your ex and friendship is what you want, then sure, go ahead and meet up with your ex. Friendship might be what you’re looking for. But if you’re not ready for friendship or another rejection, don’t do it. Tell your ex you’ve changed your mind and that you need more time to focus on yourself.

Your ex should understand and accept your decision. Especially if your ex has no feelings for you. As I mentioned earlier, your ex will insist only if you show you’re not interested in meeting up.

So if you already invited your ex to meet up with you, know that you have only two options now. The first option is to say you’re not ready for friendship and ask for space. And the second option is to meet up with your ex and avoid talking about getting back together.

Here are a few things you must do and not do when your ex agrees to meet up with you.

What to do after meeting up with your ex?

If you met up with your ex and everything went well, you need to slow down a bit. Just because your ex agreed to meet up with you, that doesn’t mean you should immediately invite your ex out again.

You shouldn’t just pick up the phone and tell your ex that it’s been forever since you had so much fun. If you do that, you will let your ex know you’re super excited to talk and put pressure on your ex.

You must remember that your ex left you because your ex felt pressured and that your ex doesn’t want to feel pressured again. Now that you met up, you must strive for a healthy balance. In other words, you must let your ex express an interest in meeting up with you.

But you shouldn’t just let your ex invite you out. If you keep inviting each other out, things won’t get anywhere. You’ll just become friends. And friends don’t fall back in love after they’ve become exes. Not very often, at least.

What you must do is go back to no contact and keep detaching.

You’ll feel sad and anxious for a while because you’ll miss your ex, but if your ex doesn’t want you back, you’ll recover and realize that going back to no contact helped you save face and recover from the breakup.

Are you thinking of meeting up with your ex or have you met up already? Comment below and let us know how it went and what you think.

And if you’d like to discuss the details of meeting up with your ex with us, click here to get in touch.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.