Letting go, especially when your instincts are screaming at you to chase, fix, and hold on tighter, can feel like a waste of time and the dumbest thing to do. It can feel like your ex is adjusting to life without you and slipping further away.
Although your ex is certainly enjoying his life without you, he’s not despising you more because of it. Not if you immediately leave him alone and let him go. When you back off and put him in charge of his life, you indirectly tell him you respect his privacy and need for space and that you also value yourself.
Someone who values herself beams with confidence and high self-esteem. She knows she’ll be okay without her ex and that better opportunities will come her way. She may not meet someone new and better right away, but that’s okay because she’s not in a hurry to feel validated by another person.
When she refuses to chase and date people, she sends the message that she’s comfortable with who she is (that her self-esteem is healthy) and that she wants to get the most out of the breakup before she pursues a new romantic relationship.
That’s why the best thing to do after a breakup is to go. Focusing on yourself rather than your ex or someone else allows you to reflect on the relationship, learn and improve, avoid annoying your ex, and preserve your worth as a dumpee.
Letting go enables you to detach from the person who rejected you and made you obsessed with him.
The last thing you want is to never see your ex again or see him with someone else, but try not to let your anxiety and fear control you. I know it’s scary to imagine your ex being happy with someone else, but if your ex wants to see other people, your ex will do so no matter what you feel and want.
Your ex won’t listen to you, prioritize your feelings, and put his life on hold for you.
Dumpers don’t do that. They feel relieved and excited and want to get the most out of their newfound freedom and responsibility-free life. They often go out more and get involved with the first person who shows interest in them. This is true whether the new person is the opposite or very similar to their ex.
The mere fact that the new person isn’t their ex is reason enough for them.
Hence, you don’t really have a choice. You must accept the breakup and start letting go of your ex. Show him that you love yourself and won’t chase someone who doesn’t deserve to be chased.
If he were still with you, you would have fought for the relationship and done your best to stay together. But since he gave up on you and showed you he wanted to go solo, he lost that privilege. He no longer deserves, nor wants to be fought for. His words and actions show that he’s unwilling to invest any more time and effort into you and the relationship.
For that reason, you must give him space and let him go. He’ll come back to you if he becomes disappointed with his choices and hurt by unmet expectations. He’ll return when or if life gives him lemons and shows him he made a poor/selfish decision.
It will take him a long time to engage in reflection, so don’t expect him to come back in just a few weeks. No contact is a long process. Most dumpees stay in it for months before they notice any positive effects.
Typically, they see it’s worked on their ex when their ex breaks the silence and reaches out to them. A desire to communicate indicates that their ex has processed at least some emotions and found a reason to converse.
That reason may be selfish and have nothing to do with reconciliation, but it’s nonetheless proof that no contact is working on their ex. It’s working because it’s allowing their ex to live the life he or she wanted to live and see the relationship from a clearer perspective.
As long as your ex thinks that leaving you made him happier, you can’t be anywhere near your ex. You can’t even be friends, friends with benefits, or texting buddies. Your behavior and presence leave a negative impression on your ex as they show you’re still around and starving for reassurance.
If you want to make the best impression possible, you must completely remove yourself from your ex’s life. Don’t meet your ex in person, text and call your ex, send your ex pictures and memes, and like his posts.
Removing yourself means going no contact and adhering to all of its rules, not just the ones that feel convenient.
While you keep your distance, remember that your ex chose to end the relationship and that he needs to experience life without you. That space isn’t just for your ex. It’s for you too. Space gives you a chance to invest in yourself and people who deserve your time and effort.
Your ex currently doesn’t deserve you. And because he doesn’t deserve you, he shouldn’t get to keep you around as a friend and receive relationship benefits for free. He’ll never realize he lost a worthy partner if he continues to benefit from you.
The only way he’ll realize what he lost is if you cut him off and let him face his problems, wants, and needs on his own. The guy must encounter challenges, shift his mindset, and take accountability.
Until that happens, don’t expect him to suddenly want you back. Regret doesn’t come from comfort, stability, and happiness. It comes from discomfort, pain, helplessness, deep reflection, and growth.
He has to understand that he’s solely responsible for his misery and that he overestimated his ability to be happy without you.
In this post, we’ll talk about a hard truth, which is that sometimes, you must let him go and find internal happiness to bring him back.
Let him go, he’ll come back to you if he wants to
The guy first decided to be with you and later broke up with you. You didn’t force him into anything. He made both decisions because, at the time, he believed they would make him the happiest.
To come back, he must once again see that being with you fulfills him and/or prevents him from suffering/losing out on life. That’s the only way he’ll consider you important/an equal and want to be a part of your life.
If you try to force him to be with you, he’ll have a hard time respecting you and seeing your worth. He’ll probably feel pressured and disrespected—and decide to push you away without a second thought. Dumpers tend to do that when their ex ignores their feelings and appears to care only about him/herself.
They see their ex as desperate, miserable, and unattractive.
You weren’t unattractive the first time you attracted your ex. On the contrary, you presented yourself as an attractive individual who wanted rather than needed to be in a romantic relationship. Back then, your ex saw your confidence and romantic potential, so he chose to commit to you.
And that’s what needs to happen again. Your ex must singlehandedly discover your worth and want to get to know you again. When that happens, your ex will become afraid of losing you (especially to someone else) and take the initiative.
He’ll tell you what you want and need to hear and hope that you still love him and want to be with him.
Until that happens, remember that he’ll need to forget about you for a while. He’ll need to focus on something or someone else and compare the present to the past. If his life isn’t going well, he might realize that he left a good woman and that he should get back with her before it’s too late.
Oftentimes, dumpees move on and change their opinion of their ex by the time their ex reaches out and expresses the desire to reconcile. They fall back in love with themselves or perhaps even someone else and consider their ex history.
Only attached dumpees who haven’t met anyone better take back an ex who dumped and hurt them. Such dumpees haven’t moved on fully and still crave their ex’s love and validation.
So keep in mind that you won’t always want to be with your ex. If your ex comes back long after you’ve processed the breakup and found internal peace, happiness, and purpose, you’ll likely consider the relationship over and reject your ex. You won’t take him back because you won’t think romantically about him, feel hurt, and need him to complete you.
You’ll be okay on your own.
While you’re still detaching, remember that you can’t manipulate and force your ex to feel connected and want to be with you. Your ex has to have feelings and want you in his romantic life. If he doesn’t want you, there’s nothing you can do about it.
He doesn’t see the value you bring into his life and shouldn’t be reasoned with. He should be left alone to his devices and dealt with properly when he decides to check up on you.
Most dumpers reach out at least once. Some do it to assuage their guilt, while others just feel curious, bored, or stressed. They lean on their ex for support and knowingly or unknowingly use their ex for their own benefit.
Having said that, here’s why letting him go is the best strategy if you want him to come back and invest in you.
True strength lies in restraint, not action
I get that you want to take action and show you’re willing to change and grow, but this isn’t the time for that. You can demonstrate your hard work and improvement once your ex actually wants you back. That’s when you can tell or show what you’ve worked on and who you’ve become.
Before your ex actually wants you back, doing nothing is necessary, the hardest, and the bravest thing to do. Doing nothing helps you let go of control and discover things about yourself that you couldn’t uncover if you were still in contact with your ex.
You’ll not only learn from your mistakes but also improve your self-love and ability to control your urges. The longer you stay away from your ex, the stronger you’ll become and the less you’ll need your ex to love yourself.
Don’t listen to people who tell you that permanent no contact is a hoax and that you need to act fast if you want your ex to change his mind about the breakup. If getting back with your ex was as simple as saying sorry, you wouldn’t be here looking for answers.
You’d be talking to your ex, bonding, and getting back together.
So avoid texting, calling, apologizing, or making any grand gesture—and instead, focus on getting your ex back from a position of self-love and strength. When you lead with self-worth, you don’t chase and beg. You invite as you non-verbally express that you’re more than capable of taking care of yourself.
Your actions prove that you’re doing well and that it’s your ex who’s losing out.
It’s in your best interest to make your ex come to you. Do that by shifting your attention away from your ex and focusing on the things you enjoy and can control. Whenever you feel that you’re letting your ex get further away from you, remind yourself that your ex needs space.
He broke up with you to experience a different type of life. Whether your ex had another person lined up or simply felt stressed or unhappy with the relationship, he needs to spend some time away from you. When he does, he’ll see how you contributed to his life and have no one but himself to blame for his failures and unhappiness.
The real question is whether he’ll hit a low point and have enough self-awareness to reflect deeply and redevelop feelings. Some dumpers don’t experience a blow to their self-esteem and don’t feel the need for their ex’s support.
Instead of wanting to rely on their ex and get close to their ex, they continue to perceive their ex negatively and hold their ex accountable for the demise of the relationship. Such dumpers are incapable of forgiveness, growth, and healthy thinking.
At least not yet. Maybe when they face the consequences of their actions or experience emotional challenges bigger than they can handle. It could take years for that to happen.
Since you don’t know if your ex will fail to cope with stress and come back, you must work on letting go of hope. Become okay with your ex enjoying his life while you do your best to enjoy yours. When you’re happy on your own, you might not even want your ex back.
You might outgrow your ex and realize you want different things in life.
I can’t say exactly what will happen and what you’ll want in the future, but I do know that you’ll eventually get over your ex and wonder why you idealized someone who left you to fend for yourself.
Do you agree that you need to let him go for him to come back? Share your thoughts and breakup experiences in the comments below.
And if you’re looking for advice on how to navigate your breakup, consider signing up for coaching. We specialize in helping dumpees gain clarity, heal, and reattract their ex.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
