Why Is The Dumper Silent After A Breakup?

When dumpers end a relationship, they typically don’t want to be friends with their ex and hang out as if nothing happened. Most of the time, they want the dumpee to understand their feelings (or the lack thereof) and stay away from them completely.

No longer do they want to text or talk about their daily lives. The enthusiasm to do that has disappeared alongside their romantic feelings and expectations.

All dumpers want and expect after the breakup is a long cooling-off period of no contact.

They want this not because they want revenge but because no contact allows them to stop feeling responsible about the person they fell out of love with and gives them a chance to finally do what’s important to them (hobbies, friends, healing, dating, etc.).

Dumpers feel smothered and don’t think they’re obligated to explain why they need space and what they expect from the dumpee. They assume that the breakup speaks for itself and that the dumpee should pay attention and take the hint.

Sadly, many dumpees don’t take the hint. They think their ex is silent for reasons a person in a relationship would be silent – to express hurt, anger, or disappointment and to feel cared about. But that’s not why dumpers go silent.

Dumpers have nothing to teach and prove to their exes.

They are expectationless, detached, and genuinely at peace as they like having the freedom to do anything they want. This is why they broke up with their exes in the first place.

Space makes dumpers feel free whereas contacting their dumpees or being contacted by them traps them and makes them feel overprioritized and pressured.

If you expect your ex to talk to you like before, you need to know that the title of your relationship wasn’t the only thing that’s changed. The way your ex perceives you and feels around you has been greatly affected by the breakup as well.

Your ex now associates unhealthy emotions with you because your ex hasn’t been very happy in the relationship recently. To say your ex has been unhappy is an understatement. He or she has been downright miserable, so you can’t expect your ex to instantly forget the past and pretend that all the problems are gone.

Healing doesn’t work like that.

You may not be together anymore, but to your ex, you’re still the same person who made him or her feel certain unwanted emotions. As long as you make your ex feel those emotions, you can forget about your ex wanting to communicate with you.

It won’t happen because your ex doesn’t value you and desire your presence as much as he or she used to. Things have changed since then—and that’s the hardest thing for you to come to terms with. You used to feel loved and get attention from your ex without asking for it.

But now, you don’t get anything, so you feel that you need to work for it. That is, unfortunately, a false belief, created by separation anxiety and a fear of losing your ex forever.

You need to remember that pain shouldn’t dictate your life. It sucks that you feel abandoned and unworthy, but you shouldn’t act on your anxiety and pity your ex into talking to you. Pity doesn’t look attractive because it forces the dumper to converse when all he or she wants is to run.

So if you’re in a lot of pain and want the pain to end, don’t just react to it. Instead, channel it into learning more about breakups and the way people react when they feel uncomfortable. By doing that, you should understand why your ex is silent and why it’s in your best interest not to take it personally.

Understanding breakup dynamics and your ex’s post-breakup needs is essential. Not only will it help you blame yourself less and allow you to make fewer breakup mistakes, but it will also let you heal quicker and increase the chances of your ex feeling respected and tempted to converse.

So bear in mind that the dumper is silent because silence is soothing and feels right. It’s the only healing method that helps your ex avoid feeling forced to think unwanted thoughts and feel unwanted emotions.

If the dumper doesn’t get the space he or she needs to get, you can expect the dumper to do something that hurts you. You can expect your ex to ignore your breach of silence, respond coldly/angrily, argue with you, instruct you to stay away, or tell you that he or she is in love with someone else.

All of these things could reset your healing and make you regret breaking no contact.

The mistake dumpees make is that they assume their ex is supposed to feel the same way as them. They completely forget that dumpers are in totally different emotional states and that they go through different breakup stages.

Dumpers go through dumper stages and dumpees go through dumpee stages. The difference between these stages is like day and night.

In today’s article, we answer the question of why the dumper is silent post-breakup and share some tips on what your ex wants from you.

Why is the dumper silent?

The dumper is silent after the breakup for one simple reason – because it feels right.

Liberating emotions tell the dumper that he or she is finally free and make the dumper wonder what took him or her this long to initiate the breakup.

Therefore, ending the silence now – while the dumper still feels relieved just wouldn’t make any sense as it would instantly stop the dumper from feeling relieved and force the dumper to go back to feeling smothered.

Any emotionally-exhausted dumper with self-respect would rather avoid reminders of the past and the emotions that come with it. Including your ex.

That’s why you can expect the dumper to stay silent and pay attention to things that better his or her life, not make it worse. The dumper finally feels excited to self-prioritize, so you may notice him or her showing this publicly.

Some dumpers go out, meet new people, and post happy pictures on social media whereas others don’t do anything new and excited. Those who don’t act on their relief often live very repetitive lives and/or have a hard time getting out of their comfort zone.

That doesn’t mean they aren’t relieved but that they could have some things to work on. Things such as depression, social anxiety, social circle, hobbies, and goals.

So if the dumper is silent and you can’t stop wondering why, know that your ex has things that are more important to him/her than you. Your ex is focused on being happy rather than making sure you’re okay.

Although it’d be nice of the dumper to check up on you, it’s better that he or she doesn’t. Reaching out to you could injure you badly as it could give you false hope, stop your healing, and make you analyze the things your ex says in hopes that your ex wants to get back together.

Silence after the breakup is thus not just good for your ex. It’s good for you as well because you’re not ready for your ex to breadcrumb you and confuse you. You may want to hear from your ex more than you need oxygen, but that’s an indication that you’re attached to your ex and that you can’t talk to your ex just yet.

Talking to your ex will have a drug-like effect on your body and mind as it will make you even more obsessed and destroy your emotional progress and growth. You’ll be much happier if your ex stays away from you while you’re coping with the breakup and rebuilding yourself from the ground up.

I know you don’t see it this way yet because you’re still hoping to hear from your ex, but one day (hopefully soon), you’ll see that dumpees who don’t hear from dumpers are the lucky ones. They don’t have to feel anxious and hopeful and wonder how to talk their ex into loving them.

They can just focus on healing and getting comfortable with their new lives.

Ask people who haven’t heard from their ex and they’ll tell you they were given a golden opportunity to detach and find themselves.

That being said, here are 7 reasons why the dumper is silent after the breakup.

When does the dumper stop being silent?

The dumper stops being silent (or in other words, reaches out) when the dumper has a reason to reach out. And the dumper has a reason to reach out when he or she wants to talk or needs to talk.

The dumper wants to talk when he or she is bored, curious, and nostalgic and wants friendship or friendship with benefits. And the dumper needs to talk when he or she has unfinished business to discuss such as kids and finances or when the dumper is in pain and wants to get back together.

You can tell the dumper merely wants to talk when the dumper reaches out for birthdays and holidays and talks about random, unimportant matters with the intention to catch up and forgive himself/herself.

Such conversations prove that the dumper is nostalgic, remorseful, or both and show no romantic attraction whatsoever.

You can be quite certain that the dumper misses you romantically (not just as a person) when the dumper looks at you with puppy eyes and appears scared of getting rejected by you. A regretful dumper would likely squirm, talk about good memories, and look for ways to ask you out.

He or she wouldn’t let you go just because you’re doing fine and don’t need him or her. Someone who desires you has too much admiration for you to waste an opportunity to be with you.

So don’t think that the dumper will stay silent if you stay silent. You’re doing no contact because you don’t have a choice whereas your ex made the decision to leave you. He or she forced you to start no contact and is well aware of the fact that it’s his or her responsibility to reach out, apologize, and see if you’re still interested in dating.

All your ex needs to reach out is to feel a desire or need to reach out.

When your ex finds it, your ex will break the silence and talk to you. You need to keep your hopes low and protect your heart in case your ex’s reach out is about him/her, not you. You’ll know if your ex reached out for selfish purposes if your ex just wants to see how you’re doing and disappears shortly after.

Why does the dumper go silent after reaching out?

If the dumper reaches out for selfish, meaningless reasons, the dumper tends to stop seeing a reason to stay in touch. The dumper doesn’t need to stay in touch because his or her reason for reaching out is to see how the dumpee is doing and if it’s possible to be friends.

The dumper has no intention of getting back together or working on getting back together. The time to work on the relationship is over. After the breakup, it’s time for the dumper to do what is necessary for him or her to move on as quickly as possible.

To move on, most dumpers need to know they’re not bad people for hurting their ex and that they’re forgiven. When they feel that they are, they then feel that a huge weight has been lifted off their shoulders and that it’s morally acceptable for them to date someone new.

If your ex reached out or will reach out and disappear, remember that dumpers do that a lot. It’s something they do to feed their curiosity and/or forgive themselves for putting their interests before their ex’s health and well-being.

The best thing you can do when an ex disappears is not to react. Instead of telling your ex what a selfish person he or she is and making a scene about it, act as if you don’t know what’s going on and carry on with no contact.

Exploding in anger won’t fix anything.

But the next time your ex reaches out, take control of the situation by letting your ex know you need time to yourself and that you’d appreciate him or her not contacting you anymore. That will convey that you’re looking after yourself and that your ex isn’t welcome in your life as a friend or an occasional friend.

What does silence do to a dumper?

The silence on its own doesn’t do much to a dumper. Sure, it allows your ex to see things more rationally, but it doesn’t necessarily change your ex’s perception of you. All silence does is that it lets your ex think and cool off.

Whether your ex takes that opportunity and does the right things with it is up to your ex.

But you should know that silence affects most dumpers when they find themselves in situations they aren’t ready to control.

And situations they can’t control are usually very painful and difficult for them emotionally.

When they encounter such situations, they interpret the dumpee’s silence in positive ways as someone who handles breakups well usually has good self-esteem and doesn’t rely on others.

That person is strong and of high value. At least to dumpers because they’re falling apart and need a strong person to lean on.

So if you’re counting on silence alone to bring your ex back, I suggest you give up on it immediately. The power of silence starts working in ways you need it to only when your ex gets hurt and becomes regretful.

Until then, you must let the silence empower your ex with relief and give your ex a chance to explore his or her new life and get in some kind of trouble.

Thanks for reading til the end. Why do you think dumpers go silent? Let us know what your thoughts are below the post.

And if you prefer to talk 1-on-1, visit our coaching page for more information.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.