I can’t even imagine how painful it must be to see your ex talking to someone else when you still have feelings for your ex and want to get back together. The thought of your ex talking to someone else and being intimate with him or her must be gut-wrenching.
It probably gives you a ton of anxiety and makes you doubt your worth as a person. It makes you think that you’re not good enough for your ex and that your ex would rather take a risk with someone new than try to get back with you and fix things.
If you’re afraid that your ex will find someone else now that you’ve broken up, you must do your best not to think about things that overload your brain with anxiety. It’s okay to think about your ex quite a lot (you probably don’t have a choice if the breakup happened recently because you’re hurt), but don’t torture yourself with ideas that you’re not ready to accept yet.
It’s much better for you to avoid anxiety-inducing thoughts by staying so far away from your ex that you don’t know whether your ex is talking to someone else or crying at home. The key to feeling better and healing from romantic rejection is to learn nothing new regarding your ex. Breakups are one of the few instances in life where ignorance can actually be beneficial to you.
So instead of looking for information on your ex and seeing that your ex is happy in a relationship with someone else, focus on yourself. Make sure that you’re happy and that you keep moving on rather than wondering what your ex is up to and who your ex is dating.
Thinking about your ex on a bad day can help you cope with anxiety.
But when your ex might already be talking to someone else and/or dating that person, ruminating about it is a complete waste of time. This is especially true if you’re trying to learn more about your ex’s new dating candidate and can’t stop comparing yourself to him or her.
Some dumpees think they’re in competition with the person their ex is seeing, but this isn’t true. Dumpees are not competing because they were never invited to compete. The only people dumpees are competing against are themselves.
Dumpees need to fight their inner demons and prove to themselves and others that they have the strength to resist reaching out to their ex and demonstrating how committed they are.
This post is for dumpees whose ex is already talking to someone else.
My ex is already talking to someone else
You have to understand that whether it’s been 3 days or 3 weeks since the breakup, your ex is ready to talk to other people and date them. Even depressed people are often ready to date right after the breakup because they associated a lot of negative emotions with their exes and broke up with them to stop feeling overwhelmed.
Some dumpers say things like, “I just want to be single for a while, I’m not interested in dating”—and that may be true. But they don’t realize that they express how they feel in the moment. They don’t think about how they’ll feel later when they’ve met someone they like and want to get to know that person better.
You mustn’t think that your ex is going to only focus on problems that broke you two up. Most dumpers don’t care about those problems because they feel they’ve given them enough attention. They want something else.
Something that helps them feel relieved and happy that their burdens are gone. Normally, dumpers like to spend more time with friends and people who make them regain their identities.
Those people help them socialize more and sometimes even introduce them to someone they could date. You need to understand that your ex finally feels free of obligations. He or she wants to do what feels best to your ex. And what feels best is receiving validation from someone new and minimizing the time your ex spends thinking about you and feeling bad for leaving you.
With that said, here are 5 reasons why your ex is talking to someone else already.
How your ex started talking to the person in question doesn’t matter. What matters is that your ex (like most dumpers) wants to talk to other people and bond with them. Your ex isn’t thinking about your feelings because your ex thinks it’s time to self-prioritize and enjoy life again.
This means your ex just wants to do what’s best for him or her.
You need to do the same or you could think your ex’s actions have something to do with you not being good enough.
My advice is to focus on things and people that help you process the breakup and allow you to see that your ex isn’t taking any time to learn and improve from the breakup.
Your ex is merely trying to be happy by dating someone else right away. In other words, your ex will have to learn important relationship lessons later when he or she encounters problems.
So instead of thinking that your ex is having it easy, bear in mind that your ex is rushing and that your ex is wasting his or her precious self-improvement time. The time for growth after the breakup is limited for dumpees (and especially dumpers). If they spend it dating other people, they don’t reflect on their broken relationship. Neither do they learn any valuable lessons that would enable them to avoid making the same mistakes in the future.
They just carry on with the same skills and habits.
If I were you, I would feel bad for your ex. I would pity him or her because your ex is going to have similar negative experiences with other people. It may not seem that way right now because your ex is probably in the early stages of a new relationship and seems to be on cloud 9.
But when your ex gets through the infatuation phase, your ex will get comfortable in the relationship and stop pretending to be someone he or she is not. That’s when your ex will revert to the person you know and show what he or she is made of.
Don’t forget that most relationships start in a very exciting and noticeable way. New couples feel limerent towards each other because they love the feeling of being adored. They may even move faster than in their previous relationships and date someone completely opposite of their ex-partner.
We could say that they’re happy as long as their new partner invests in them and gives them what they want.
What can I do to make my ex stop talking to someone else?
Unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do to kill your ex’s desire to talk to other people. In all honesty, you shouldn’t even want to interfere because your ex needs to go through all the dating stages at his or her own pace. That’s the only way your ex can experience issues, compare the new relationship to you, and perhaps even realize that you were the best for him or her.
If you try to stop your ex from moving on, you’ll look like a crazy ex who doesn’t know when to quit. So take control of your life and quit now that you still can. Accept that the relationship has ended and show your ex that you respect yourself.
You can do that by going no contact with your ex as cutting off all communication will prove that you know you must back off when you’re not wanted.
I know it can be difficult not to obsess over your ex and his/her new partner, but try not to break no contact. Breaking no contact could make your ex feel uncomfortable and hurt you. It could also prolong your healing and stop you from learning the lessons you needed to learn.
So if you’re wondering if there’s anything you can do at all now that your ex is exploring other options, know that you have plenty of work to do. The most important things you can work on today are practicing self-control, improving your self-esteem, relieving anxiety, and reflecting on your mistakes.
Don’t beat yourself up over your failures and/or lack of awareness and maturity. Your ex isn’t doing that, so you needn’t hurt yourself on purpose either. Instead, acknowledge your flaws by being kind to yourself and learn from your mistakes so that your next relationship with your ex or with someone else can be better.
Don’t date anyone for a while
If your ex just broke up with you, dating someone new would be a big mistake. Not only would it make you feel like you and the new person don’t understand each other, but it’d also make you want your ex even more.
Just because your ex is talking to someone else doesn’t mean you must do the same. You both want different things right now. You want to feel loved and secure and your ex wants to enjoy dating again. That means your ex wants to have fun whereas you need to feel better.
Your well-being depends on your ex’s recognition, so even if you try dating, you won’t be very successful at it. You’ll constantly think about your ex and feel like the new person doesn’t give you the emotional satisfaction you’re looking for.
And the new person won’t be able to give it as long as you have feelings for your ex.
So save yourself some pain and don’t date anyone just yet. You can talk to others if you want to so that you don’t feel alone and unwanted, but don’t try to bond with them. Most breakups take about 8 months to get over. However, if your relationship lasted for years and was full of ups and downs or had codependency issues, then it could take even longer.
This doesn’t mean that you won’t be able to talk to anyone for a very long time, but that you’ll feel like you’re still connected to your ex and that your ex was the best you ever had.
Is there a chance that my ex will come back?
Your ex could come back even if your ex is already talking to someone else. But before you get too excited, know that it’s unlikely that your ex will come back before your ex gives someone else a try. This is because your ex needs a reason to come back.
And that reason depends on some kind of failure.
Usually, the dumper’s return requires romantic failure because romantic failure affects dumpers the most. It affects their self-esteem and makes them realize they still feel something for their ex.
Of course, their feelings are enhanced by their misfortunes and pain, but they usually aren’t aware of that. Just like you confuse love for pain, so could your ex if your ex gets hurt a lot. Don’t tell your ex that, though. Your ex doesn’t need to doubt his or her love for you.
A much bigger problem is that your ex could come back just to help himself or herself feel better and then leave once your ex is healed. Your job is to figure out if your ex still has romantic feelings for you when your ex wants you back.
I suppose you’ll cross that bridge when you come to it. Right now, you need to work on finding ways to stop thinking about what it could mean if your ex is already talking to someone else. Do that by spending more time with friends and family and doing the things that give meaning to your life.
Is your ex already talking to someone else and that bothers you a lot? How did you find out about this new person? Share your breakup story with us below.
And lastly, if you’re looking for breakup coaching, take a look at our coaching services by clicking here.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.
3 yrs with the father of my kids, first child we broke up and he disappeared for 3 months came back we took couples therapy and we were on to a good start. Second child, he started acting up and we got into arguments and one wk after I gave birth I decided to end things. After a wk, with him not reaching out he decided to return and I said no. I jus found out after one month confirmed twice that he is talking to someone already. Left me and his kids to be back at his parents house. I have placed a boundary for him not to txt me aside from anything that has to do with hi kids. I am so hurt this is the worst feeling especially after giving birth. How can he just talk to someone and Invest ; instead of investing in us his family and me. This is horrible and I don’t wish this on anyone.
Hi Kim.
It looks like he detached and reattached to someone else. It happens to couples who are struggling to stay emotionally fulfilled and connected. I know it hurts, but this is the perfect time to assess your relationship and figure out if this person is someone you want. By the looks of it, he failed to give you stability and make you happy. I think it’s time to let him go.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi, I broke up with my boyfriend for lack of communication and emotional vulnerability. He changed within our relationship and we were together only a year. I have a gut feeling he is talking to somebody else as he is using social media he doesn’t usually go on. I am still in love with him and want to be with him and was hoping us breaking up would make him want to develop himself and bring back the person he was. It has been 5 days since we have spoken and I believe he started talking to somebody yesterday.
Hi Chloe.
You don’t break up with a person to make him be a better fit for you. You communicate with him. Breaking up is something you do when you no longer love him and have faith in his ability to change.
If you want him back and think he can change, contact him and apologize for taking desperate measures.
Kind regards,
Zan
This article was extremely helpful, I unfortunately ruined the relationship with cheating and I’ve since then signed up for therapy to better myself and go through the course of getting to the best version of myself. It’s selfish of me to say, but to be honest I want to work things out with my ex. I’ve taken full accountability for destroying her and my life, but I’m just hoping she’ll grant me a second chance to make things better. I don’t deserve it, I know, but I truly want to make things better.
Hi Phil.
If you’ve expressed the wish to work on yourself and the relationship, you now need to wait for your ex to decide what to do. If she doesn’t want you back, it’s because trust and respect were ruined. In that case, you need to move forward with your life.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi I am going through something similar
Girlfriend broke up with me about 3 weeks ago and she is 28 weeks pregnant with my son. She blamed me for our financial problems, would say that I’m on the phone too much, and just blamed me for everything. There was something that we struggled with but we aren’t perfect. I asked her if I could come to 4D Ultrasound and she said yes but I wanted to let you know that I am talking to someone ( one of her coworkers) and have been talking to him for a couple of weeks. He seems different. That she thinks there is something there. Also that he is going to pay for her bills after my son is here. All I told her is that I just want you to be happy and I will focus on my son. I’m hurt and feel hollow.
Hi James.
You should probably distance yourself from her and give them time to be together. She may have your son, but that won’t help you get her back. She must give their relationship and try and fail before she can see the value you bring to the table.
Stay strong!
Zan
Hi Zan,
I am Shri (29 years) from India. I am writing these details to seek your direction to get move on and detached myself from my girlfriend as I am unable to concentrate on my present life since 45 days. I am in no contact with her as she blocked me in all the social platforms since 1 month. I am missing her so much these days and want her in my life but my friends and family telling me she will not come again as she has mood changes. I have hope that she will realize the efforts by me but sometime feels like this is not positive hope.
I met my girl (17 years) in gym 8 months back. During gym, she once talked with me and after that we used to go on same way by walking as we were living in similar area. Once she took my number and asked me I am single or not. I told her, I am single and heartbroken from my previous relationships. I told her 2 girls dumped me in my life so I don’t believe on girls. She started liking me after few days and told she also heartbroken as her BF cheated on her. I didn’t shown interest in her because of age difference initially. As time passes we started chatting, meeting, dating. She told she is in love with me but I didn’t told her that I like her, I told her I may get married in upcoming years so it may be not possible. She always used to tell me that she will not leave me as she love me so much. As a elder person, I used to tell her so many things which are good to her from my experiences such as talked to family, make new good friends, focused on health and studies. As she was single child at home and her parents were not talking with her that much, her few friend addicted to weed, she also took weed some time she told me that, she was overweight etc. I started caring for her and talking with her so many things and she started following many good things and because of that she was very happy in her life, and she used to being so much happier than previous with her new life with me. She started deep feelings for me and saying she loves me a lot, want to get married to me. But I used to tell her she is having so much time to this, as I’m in my 30 and I will be her friend for lifetime. Then one day she took drink and told me that she loves me more; from that day I started love feelings for her, but I didn’t told her as I wanted to check in soulmate aspects that she is the right person for my life so that I will wait for her for few years. I wanted to express my love feelings after completion of her exams in May 2022.
But time passes like this, suddenly from April 2nd week she started ignoring me. She started blocking and unblocking me frequently by telling that if i give guarantee for marriage then only she will talk otherwise not. I told her you are my present and everything. I cant give guarantee what’s the future as she cants also give. But she wanted that only and 1 2 weeks we didn’t talked that much. She used some abusive word in anger I also told u don’t deserve me, u deserve guys like ur ex. After that she didn’t talk with me and blocked me everywhere and she said she loss the feelings for me, she doesn’t care for me, she don’t want to talk to me, go and move on in life. But I cried so much after that I told her I love her so much, I didn’t told but i have feelings for her but she didn’t listen and blocked me again.
Due to this behavior, I went into depression and did mistakes of no contact like I msg her, begged her, I followed once her on way to talk 2 min, I change her Netflix password. Due to this she blocked me on mobiles and complain abt me to my friend. She told I m the disgusting person of her life, she hates me and etc and she blocked me again everywhere. Again, after week, she unblocked me and msg me how r u. I didn’t reply early, i just asked her hope she is well and eating on time. She told yes. After 1 week I msg her why she asked me how r me if she don’t love. She told she just like that asked and she is moving to US as she cut her hand when we were not in contact foe 1 2 weeks, and she was in depression and because of this her mom cried and this everything happened because of me. She told she don’t want to meet me last time also. She then told don’t msg me or call me. She told she become bad girls now, she started exploring guys for hookups and taken weed. She doesn’t have feelings for me. She hates me more. Recently I have seen her in my areas, and she didn’t go to US. She blocked me since 30 days, and didn’t msg. I tried to reach her friends, but her friends told she is happy in her life and moved on. She is going out with new boyes. I am unable to move on, don’t know what to do, what’s going in her mind. Shall I wait for her what to do. I have suicidal tendency in between but my friends and family saved me.. What shall I do Zan, I am reading every blog of breakup to get answer but I didnt.
Always so helpful any tips that you give us, Zan! I found out by a text screenshot of my ex that he was involved with a girl. Then that led me to find out that he was cheating, and we broke up. And now he is married to that girl. But with your help, I realize that I don’t need my ex!!!
Always so grateful for you
Thank you, Linda.
He’ll have to live with cheating on his hands. I’m sure he thinks about it from time to time.
Best,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Another very helpful article that unfortunately hits home as always.
Within 3 weeks of breakup, she directly sent me dating app profile pics of some new guy showing off his shirtless physique and stuff during a text chat that she initiated. I didn’t know if I should cry or laugh at the level she stooped down to. That’s when I finally realized she was not the person I used to know.
I guess this is what happens when you stay in contact and do not decline offers of “friendship” early. Big mistakes.
AC, that is absolutely sadistic. You can find someone much, much Much better for you. I’ve had a similar experience. Move on and remember how awful a human being your ex became. In time you’ll find someone who truly recognizes what you have to offer. Your ex will not be so fortunate, I assure you.
Hi Doug, thank you for the encouragement.
I am not sure if it was pure malice or because she felt provoked or maybe I asked for it because I inadvertently placed myself in the “friend” position, or because I was still joking around with her as if we were still in a relationship and she wanted to put me “in my place”.
But yes, I shouldn’t make too many excuses for her. Overall it was quite insensitive whether intentional or unintentional. Yet not very surprising perhaps. This blog has told us many times that on day 1 they are already fully detached and ready to move on. Whoever wants a ticket to the show and sticks around to watch it will ultimately pay the price.
Thanks again for sharing.
Hi AC.
She was probably looking for some kind of reaction. Don’t give it to her and cut her off if you haven’t already. You’re just starting to learn what she’s capable of.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Thank you for your prompt help around that difficult time.
Your expert advice and recommendations sounded harsh back then. Now that I can see a little more clearly, I know you were urgently trying to protect me from more damage and mistakes during my blind walk.
Hi AC.
When you detach, you’ll realize that everything you’re doing now is for you. Your ex won’t even matter.
Best,
Zan