Whether a guy will miss you if you leave him alone strongly depends on the kind of associations he associated with you during and after the relationship. If he poured a lot of negativity into your persona and convinced himself that you’re toxic or bad for him, he probably won’t miss you very much when you leave him alone.
He’ll likely enjoy the post-breakup space and will need something else to reset his thoughts and feelings for you before he’s able to reminisce about you. Something stressful and extremely difficult to process. This could be anything that makes him drop his ego and pride, hurts his self-esteem, and makes him crave your recognition.
But if you separated on healthy terms and the guy doesn’t resent you, nor think poorly of you, then chances are that he will miss you if you leave him alone. He could eventually become nostalgic about you and the relationship because that’s what time away from romantic partners does.
It affects those who don’t hold grudges because such people tend to think positively and become so curious about their ex-partners that they contact them to see what they’re up to.
So if you’re asking yourself, “Will he miss me if I leave him alone,” bear in mind that leaving him alone is the only thing that could make him miss you. Any other push-pull techniques and strategies likely won’t affect your ex as they won’t give him the space he needs to process the breakup naturally and allow him to think more fondly of you.
He especially won’t miss you if he sees that you want him more than ever before and that you’re hurt and desperate for his love. That’s because your smothering attitude will show him you don’t respect yourself as well as him. He’ll miss you only if you disappear completely and show him that you’re strong and self-sufficient enough to find happiness on your own.
Keep in mind that most people value that which is hard to obtain. They don’t appreciate people who don’t appreciate themselves. Needy, clingy, and desperate people repulse them and kill attraction. So if you distance yourself from your ex, leave the guy alone, and portray high self-esteem, know that you could one day become valuable in his eyes.
You could become a high-value person and make your ex miss you once he’s processed the early stages of a breakup for the dumper and realized that he needs you in his life.
When he realizes that, he could contact you and breadcrumb you with confusing texts and calls. But that’s a topic for another time.
Today, we’ll focus on the question, “Will he miss me if I leave him alone?”
Will he miss me if I walk away?
First of all, the guy in question could miss you if you leave him alone and let him explore his options. Once he’s seen what life without you is like and realized that the grass is not greener on the other side, he could contact you to see if you’re still available.
He could do this in the form of a breadcrumb by telling you he misses you and that he’s sorry for his sudden departure. This would, in turn, empower you and give you closure if you haven’t gotten it yet.
But before you receive the message you’re waiting for, you need to understand that a lot of things have to go wrong in the guy’s life.
For starters, if he started dating someone new right away, his primary plan must first fall apart. His post-breakup expectations must come crashing down and take his happiness with them.
The reason why your ex must become discontent with his life is that discontentedness is people’s best eye-opener. It’s a motivator that encourages people to self-reflect and creates a longing for something better than the present situation.
So when your ex emotionally as well as intelligently discerns that he’s unhappy, chances are that he’ll consciously or subconsciously start looking for help.
He could start pondering about times he was happier and look for people who can help him with his predicament. After some searching, he could remember you (and other recent exes) and likely contact the ones he likes the most and try to figure out how they feel about him.
If they like him and can help him feel better, he’ll continue talking to them. And if they don’t because of something he did, he’ll likely try to alleviate his guilt and breadcrumb them regardless of whether he wants them back or not.
You need to understand that people seek reassurance from the people they’ve hurt. And the way they go about it is by telling them they miss them, love them, and think about them.
The reason dumpers do this usually has nothing to do with their romantic feelings for their dumpee. Dumpers profess their “miss yous” and “love yous” to feel better about their old friend karma paying them a visit and making them miserable.
I know you probably find this hard to believe (especially if you’d been with your partner for many years), but that’s the way people are. We gravitate toward those we hurt or those who hurt us or don’t want us because those people negatively attract us.
By “negatively,” I mean that they pull us toward them for all the wrong reasons we can think of. A few of the more common explanations for negative attraction are guilt, shame, sadness, depression, jealousy, anger, anxiety, pain, self-esteem and confidence issues, and various external stressors and conditions.
So whatever you do, don’t think that your ex saying he misses or loves you means that he misses you and loves you. If the breakup is still fresh, your ex is likely hurting for breaking his vows and/or is struggling to become happy and independent in the length of time he expected.
Once he feels better, he’ll likely stop telling you the things you want to hear and making you feel important.
Here are 5 things you should not do to make your ex-boyfriend miss you.
5 Things a guy needs to miss you
A guy won’t miss you unless he spends some time away from you and gets a chance to explore the world without you.
These are the two most fundamental things a guy absolutely needs to miss you. Without them, he can’t discern your worth and miss your good traits no matter how great the relationship was. He can’t remember the good times and become nostalgic because your presence hinders him from distracting himself and enjoying the breakup.
To miss you, he needs time to himself, see that his life isn’t any better without you, go through an unpleasant experience without you (possibly with someone new), and understand that you bring value to his life.
This is something the indefinite no contact rule can help you with as its job is to give your ex exactly what he needs to be happy. It can give your ex the time to focus on himself and you the chance to improve your shortcomings and well-being.
The more space and time your ex gets, the better he will feel about you, and the higher the chances that he’ll come back to you if something goes wrong.
This leads us to the third thing your ex needs to miss you. Your ex needs you to exude high self-esteem. Self-esteem is the most attractive trait you can exude to anyone who knows you (or doesn’t know you) because it shows you view yourself in high regard and possess the ability to take care of yourself.
As silly as something as basic as taking care of yourself sounds, a lot of dumpees initially beg and plead with their ex for a second chance. They show that they need their ex to be happy and consequently, smother their dumper and make the dumper crave even more space.
Portraying high self-esteem essentially conveys that you respect yourself and that if your ex doesn’t notice any romantic value in you, someone else will. When your ex becomes aware of that and sees that you’re moving on, no contact can slowly start to affect his negative perceptions of you.
It can remove the negative anchors your ex attached to you and better the way he feels in your absence and presence. It can also create a sense of urgency and force your ex to make a decision sooner.
The fourth thing your ex needs to love you or to miss you is something completely out of anyone’s control. It’s important that the relationship with your ex was long-term, functional, and meaningful.
The bond with your ex needed to be real, otherwise, your ex won’t find anything positive to hold on to and reminisce about. If nothing’s reminding your ex of the nostalgic times, then there’s nothing that can bring your ex closer to you either.
Your ex won’t miss you unless he finds positive memories and a good emotional reason to miss you.
The last thing your ex needs to miss you and possibly come back to you is maturity and self-awareness. Your ex needs to possess the capability to process negativity and think rationally – logically.
If he doesn’t use his brain, mature up, and change his thoughts and feelings into more positive ones, your ex can’t miss you even if he’s the nicest person on the planet. Months or years of piled-up negative thinking patterns would prevent your ex from addressing his reasons for leaving and developing feelings for you.
How to make him miss you after the breakup?
As a dumpee, there’s not much you can do to make your ex miss you. You especially can’t make your ex miss you by force because your ex most likely isn’t in a receptive state of mind.
If he’s not talking to you, he’s not ready to perceive you in a positive light and is still holding on to the negative image of you that he had created a while ago.
This means that you must wait for your ex to first work through negative breakup emotions and express interest in you and then show him the new and improved version of yourself.
Until that happens, you’ve got to keep moving on and leave your ex completely to his own devices. You mustn’t try to make your ex jealous and entice your ex by showing him what or who he’s missing out on.
As far as your ex is aware, he’s not regretting his decision and is having a great time. If you try to rub your fake happiness in his face, for example, he’s not going to have a great time anymore. He’s probably going to block you on social media or get angry with you in person. There’s no telling what he’ll do, but the more pretentious you appear and the more you annoy him, the more likely it is that you’ll rub him up the wrong way.
With that said, here are 5 ways to make your ex miss you after the breakup.
You need to remember that your ex is the dumper who’s lost his romantic feelings for you. He has mainly or fully detached from you weeks before the breakup which means that his overall respect for you has plummetted.
If you do something to force him to respect you, your ex’s respect for you will drop even further. Your ex will also transform from unreceptive and cold to mean and possibly even vengeful.
When that happens, you’ll quickly find yourself in a war with the person you’re trying to impress.
So try to avoid the worst-case scenario by leaving your ex alone. Instead of proving your worth directly by using manipulation tactics, follow the rules of no contact and focus on yourself. Act like someone with immense self-respect and self-control because if you do, you’ll soon realize that reaching out to your ex or flaunting your new boyfriend isn’t going to make your ex miss you.
It could of course make him jealous, but if your ex comes back because of jealousy alone, he’ll likely leave again the moment he obtains your validation and no longer feels jealous.
So behave in line with high moral values and eventually, one of two things will happen:
- Your ex will miss the relationship and envy the person you’ve become.
- Your ex won’t notice your self-improvement and allow you to move on.
Either way, you’ll be fine because you’ll start feeling better and stop needing your ex to validate you.
Do you think your ex will miss you if you leave him alone? Have you committed any post-breakup mistakes such as begging and pleading? If so, which ones? Let us know below the post.
And if you’re looking for breakup coaching, click here to check out our services.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
My boyfriend broke up with me and left with his stuff to his mums the 15th of March he was very loyal loving the perfect man in that aspect. Yes he has insecurities and so did I. He was controlling in certain aspects but I don’t think meant to be .. he decided to leave because our arguments got to much. The first week of leaving (moving out) he promised to still see me and gracie and help me and be there for support. Which he did for the first week. The second week So really now is the only sort of time we have not had much contact. And he said he feels trapped because he knows I’m hurting and he feels guilty. When we broke up he came over still and we still acted like we were together we both wanted that for comfort I suppose.. I’m very close with his family. He hasn’t blocked me but he’s been more blunt on the second week with texts and calls. The first week he said he loves me but not the same. And now it’s “I don’t love you anymore” and he doesn’t know what is best -going forward he wanted me in his life and not he’s not sure mainly because Everytime he leaves to go I would get myself in such a state of not wanting him to leave. I’ve been grieving so much and can hardly sleep or eat we were so wrapped up in each other and now I find myself lost.. will he ever come back? How would he not want me in his life especially being with each other 247 day in day out. I did try a compromise and say Yano move out but stay together so then we have time apart. But he has to many insecurities to do so.he knows I love him and I told him I will wait for him and he always has a place here. So I didn’t talk to him for like 4 days and then I messaged him and I asked to see him and he said don’t know.. and then I said about being friends for benefits and he was reluctant and first and then he agreed he came round last Sunday and stayed until Thursday (because he didn’t feel well) I looked after him.. and he did get upset finally and cried about us and said we can’t be together. When it comes to the weekends (cos he goes out clubbing every weekend now and he flirts and he told me he kissed someone ( which was a mistake) there’s also another girl he fancies.. he was all up in her business but apparently he was just being “nice” and I went out One night and saw him it all went fine and I saw him flirt and I had like 4 guys asking for my number and He got mad at them ect and then I left begging him to come home with me … he wouldn’t and then half an hour later he text and said if you want me to come order me a taxi.. like wow.. so I called and called and sent loads of texts and he was mad at me the next morning and now he’s saying again that he doesn’t know if he wanna see me anymore. Apparently all his family have said he’s changed into someone nasty. this is not like him at all and now obviously I don’t know what to do.. he only comes round when he wants but when I needed him he doesn’t come. He gets very angry at me easily .. Recently i slept with someone he broke down into tears and wanted to come to my home straight away.. because I found out he was seeing another girl.. but it turns out he wasn’t. He kissed a few girls and grabbed there numbers but thats all.. sometimes we still do sleep together and then I get upset when he leaves .. he told me he loved me but not in the right mindset to be with me.. and as time goes on he sees me more as a friend. It does kinda feel like he doesn’t want me but I can’t have anyone else.. and IIF I LET HIM GO HE WILL BE GONE FOREVER 🙁 is it to late for no contact rule? I’ve stated that I thinks it’s for the best? What’s my next step how long until I contact him? Or will he contact me? He is the love of my life. He’s been very angry towards me lately and doesn’t seem to even want to be friends or talk. Before now he found out I slept with someone he wants to be in contact but He pushed me away. From being with someone all the time to nothing is hard to understand I’m sorry but it is.. PLEASE read it all and help me understand bit by bit please
Hi Emma.
I left a comment on another one of your comments. You can find it here. I think you already commented there, so I’ll get back to you shortly.
Best,
Zan
Just over a year ago I had my big high school crush reach out to me after 20 years. He had just come out of a 15 year relationship (10 years married, 3 kids) He was somebody I’d never expected to hear from, I’d sort of forgotten him although I had noticed he’d been liking my Instagram posts occasionally (even whilst married)
Anyway, things were great between us, mutual effort was made to keep the conversation flowing, and we had some mad, crazy chemistry. Around the 10 week mark I noticed that he was getting distant, he wasn’t reaching out to me as much, so I backed off a little before finally asking him what was going on. He told me that his head was messed up and that he had bad weeks from time to time. I always felt like he wasn’t entirely over the end of his previous relationship and still had some issues to deal with before he’d be ready for anything else. So I told him I understood and let him be.
I did reach out to him twice after a drink in the following few months, I’m not proud of that but he did tell me that his head was getting better and we could be friends and see where that took us. About a month later he reached out to me, saying his head was better and that he’d missed me. He said he’d always been scared ‘with’ me, not sure what that meant, but we continued talking again and things were like they’d been at the beginning. Then he went distant again.
I told him that he couldn’t keep doing this and needed to really work out his issues or he would end up pushing everybody away and possibly miss out on something amazing. A couple of months later after a few more interactions between us, where I sensed he was just telling me what I wanted to hear, I decided to finally walk away.
It hurt like hell not speaking to him, but because I was generally the one who would reach out first, I stuck to it. I started off just doing 30 days no contact, which I extended after completing it. I decided indefinite no contact was the way to go. I started feeling positive about myself, my confidence had soared, my body rocking after working out my frustration in the gym. Starting to feel better about not having him in my life, and not really expecting him to contact me.
The 6-8 week mark, he reached out, all charming as ever. He said he’d missed me and said I was his hero and was finally ready. That was a couple of weeks ago and he hasn’t made any effort to prove to me that he’s serious. He confuses me as to why he would contact me if he isn’t actually interested. Is he confused? Is he just playing with my emotions? I know I need to walk away for good because nothing has changed but it’s so hard to do when I keep expecting him to show up every time he thinks he’s losing me, but if he’s not going to do anything to make me want to stay what other choice do I have.
Hi, some advice would be greatly appreciated.
Last year I lost a friend to suicide & it hit me hard, I was also beginning to go through a lengthy legal action with some business partners, the only good thing I had in my life at the time was my GF.
I was in a bad place mentally & had to get away for as I had convinced myself nobody (GF included) wanted me around. Which was wrong, she wanted me but I privately thought she can do better than me. My head was so messed up from losing a friend & the legal action.
So I left the country & lived in isolation for a while to try & get my head right again (not the best idea I know now, but great training for lockdown I guess ha).
Throughout this, my ex & I stayed in touch. Talking a few times a week & mainly laughing. I started to realise I what a mistake I had made but I still thought she could do better than me.
Eventually I moved back to the same country, in a city not too far away, with the hope we could reconcile since we were still talking & texting a lot. Just before Xmas she said that she needed to not talk for a while (I know now, this is because I waited too long to say anything), I was gutted but told I would do what she wants to respect her wishes.
We didn’t talk for about a month & a half, which was awful, & then we started getting in touch again. I was supposed to go & visit her (at her invitation) in March but I got called into work. THEN lockdown happened & we’ve been separated since.
I didn’t want to bombard her with phone calls or text etc but about 2 months into lockdown I did tell her how much I regret what happened & how I wish I had spoke sooner. I told her I don’t expect a yes or no from her & left her be for a few weeks. She got in touch, saying that I managed the to the incredible feat of too little too late & too much too soon (she said she found that funny), and that lockdown wasn’t the best time to be talking about it but she does care about me.
We’ve been in touch a few times but when I feel her going cold, I back off for a few days. Do you think I’m going crazy & should just leave her alone since she knows how I feel or should I still get in touch with her? I love her but I’m not sure she loves me that way anymore.
What if I specifically asked him not to reach out to me to ask “How I am” which he did over a span of months. He broke up multiple times in the past months and then texted me the next day asking my whereabouts. I called him out on that this time.
What if I asked him specifically not to reach out to me via breadcrumbs as it confuses me and dragged the breakup. He used to break up multiple times over a span of months and reach out to me the next day asking “How I am”. I called him out on it and doing NC for 16 days now.
Hi,
Was broken up two weeks ago. We had been dating four moths prior to quarantine and we had a very fulfilling, healthy, and fun relationship. My ex had developed some bad habits in quarantine (online gambling frequently) and was demotivated and became depressed when it came to school work (we’re in college) and I became a little frustrated as well and we had a little tension given we didn’t know when we’d next see each other. He fought with his parents about visiting me but he bought tickets to finally see me but then dumped me two days later. I believe his parents had something to do with it (his grades + gambling habit were pretty bad) but I was curious if you think he will come back. He texted me after we broke up and said he had grieved the loss of us a lot – we spoke a couple days later and I tried to be as positive as possible and he said he broke up with me because he was confused with his life (friends, major, school, etc) and had some doubts (he’s an over thinker) about us even though I had addressed them with him and said we could work through them. He said we aren’t getting back together in the Fall (we live on the same floor sadly). He was crazy about me up until two weeks prior to our breakup. I’m just left so confused because I really have only experienced the good and it’s impossible to focus on the bad because I never witnessed these bad habits in person. I understand he’s going through a lot so I’ve been really good about maintaining No Contact but once he gets his life back on track do you think he will come back? This was a first love that’s why I seem to boast “false hope” and it ended so weirdly.
My ex recently texted and called me over the past few weeks. I have been doing indefinite No contact. We’ve been broken up for a year and he’s been sending breadcrumbs. I totally believe that if I leave him alone he will eventually miss me and realized how much I meant to him. He’s been really depressed being in lockdown for few months during the pandemic and now he has some health issues that causing him stress. Maybe that’s why he reached out to me. I still love him and want to reconcile. The last time he called he told me that we will talk more often and if I needed someone to talk to he’s a phone call away. I will answer his calls and texts but will not reach out to him first until he give me signs that he wants me back. He’s seeing someone else and I think they may be having problems. When he called me two weeks ago he told me he had not seen her since January because of lockdown. I am not sure if I am doing the right thing by
not reaching out to him since he had contacted me. I am at a good place right now where I am not sad anymore since the breakup. It took me awhile to get to this. Any advice would be great. I am hoping we will get back together
Here’s an update on my situation with my ex. He called me yesterday to give me some good news. He told me he got a second opinion and went to another doctor. The test results came back negative so there’s nothing wrong with him. He’s so happy and wanted to share the news with me. He asked if I was happy too. I told him thanks for letting me know and yes I am happy. We didn’t talk long because he was at work and had to go to a meeting. Anyways he told me that the last few months in lockdown been rough. He aslso said I could call him back tonight if I wanted to talk more or call next week. He also said you know I have been someone for awhile now. I didn’t really give a response. Anyways I am not sure why he’s calling me now. Is he wanting to see if we could get back together? I don’t want to get my hopes up. I didn’t call him back last night and now I am debating if that was a good idea if I eventually want us back together. Not sure what I should do going forward. I am playing it cool not showing him any emotions or telling him how I really feel. Any advice would be helpful.
Hi K
I think you are doing absolutely amazing!
You have shown confidence, strenght and maturity all the way and he has noticed.
Well done for being polite and also for not calling back.
At the moment he is still breadcrumbing you.
Let him come to you. He needs to want to talk about a fresh start. Let him take the initiative.
Keep doing what you are doing, it’s working!
Good luck
Gigi
Sorry I didn’t realize my first post about this situation went through, I also posted earlier this week so I am the neighbor post before this as well.. obviously there is an update in the new post regarding his anger towards me. Again sorry for the duplicate posts. And any advice would be appreciated
I’m so lost on what I should do in this situation. I recently was broken up with by my neighbor. I was skeptical to date him in the beginning bc of living three houses down but we both agreed we would be civil and friendly if things ever ended. Well he ended it, and it wasn’t even on bad terms. We had a civil conversation about why it didn’t work and that we would continue on as friends. I admit I may have taken that as actual friends, people who still talk and have conversations with each other. He started to immediately ignore me and act cold. So I called him out on it when I saw him outside (which is inevitable) and he apologized.
He invited me over early last week for dinner which I thought would just be friendly and a time for our dogs to play together. It quickly turned into him treating me like his gf. Pulling me onto his lap, kissing me, and unfortunately we ended up sleeping together. I was upset with myself but was ready and willing to cut that off and go back to being friends with parameters. I called and asked him to help me move a car two days later, to which he said he would help and I then I never heard from him. So I didn’t reach out again for another 3 days and offering to be a DD for him for his event he had that night bc I hate when he drinks and drives (I shouldn’t have offered I know) and I may have also stated that he had been an ass to me to me earlier in the week. His response was “why are you trying to piss me off”. I genuinely wasn’t trying to piss him off- how could he not see sleeping with someone and then ignoring them completely is being an ass..
I was again trying to bridge that silence because we are neighbors. I don’t want to live the next few months of my life scared to walk outside because he’s got so much hostility and anger towards me right now. Which I just don’t understand.. he was the one that ended it, it ended amicably, and I thought we would move on as friends.
As it’s nearly impossible to completely do the no contact ever again, because I will physically see him often, does anyone have any suggestions? I want to confront him and ask him what happened because I truly have no idea. But I also know confronting him could just cause more anger on his end. I’ve never seen this side of him and it’s so disheartening. Do I just attempt to ignore him for the rest of the time I live here (which is likely 5+ years)
Any help or suggestions are greatly appreciated. Thanks everyone.
Hi, I left a comment for the lady below, it may be helpful to you too since the three of us have a similar story
I have recently been broken up with by my ex. The tricky situation is is that we are neighbors. We went into the relationship after having a conversation that if things don’t work out we will remain friends and accept that things weren’t meant to be. I will admit, because we are neighbors, things moved very quickly in the relationship and we fit roadblocks sooner because of that. In the end, he decided to end it because it would a lot all at once (understandably) and he didn’t feel like it was right between the two of us.
My issue now is that I have tried to remain friendly but I am getting ignored and what seems like complete attitude on his end. I don’t want to feel like a prisoner in my own home so I’ve tried to just act normal. Well since the break up he has twice been around me and acted like everything was back to normal (trying to kiss me, talking to his friends over video games about me, telling me how great I am) and now he is completely back to ignoring me, not acknowledging me if we happen to see each other outside, and acting as though he’s pissed and I’m the one that hurt him or ended things.
Anyone have any suggestions on how to handle things? I was fine going back to being friends who were NOT physical and allowing us to be civil neighbors. It didn’t work out as a relationship and that’s okay, but I am so confused at the on and off of his emotions and actions towards me.
At this point I am not contacting him and have not seen him in a few days. But like I said, I don’t think it’s fair that I have to feel uncomfortable leaving my own house and possibly running into him when he was the one that ended it..
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks
I was in the same situation, together for 5 and a half years, next door neighbours, we shared the same back garden, I decided to just go with being civil, I needed her for company as I couldn’t lock myself in the house and shut the blinds, especially since this lock down, I wanted to do NC but the idea of it at the time was incomprehensible, anyway, we got on well, no intimacy or anything and she managed to only mention the guy she left me for a few times so I was grateful for that, basically, what I’m saying is you can use them to help you get through this lock down by being strong yourself, like you mentioned you are not a prisoner, she moved out yesterday and I’m hurting but lock down is due to be relaxed soon and I have swore to get out and do more with my life, I have a gig booked for September, I have a weekend away booked for August and I will do both ALONE if needs be, I have been working on myself, I have lost nearly a stone, I am researching break ups, reconsiliation, everything, I am very active on reddit trying to help others because I noticed that not many people on blogs get answers to their questions. Anyway, keep your head up, be strong and focus on yourself, being neighbours can sometimes work in your favour because you can slowly build a rapport while still being able to keep distance if you choose, good luck
I really need help with this, I hope you can reply soon cause I dont know what to do
Its been 3 months since we broke up, 2 months of no contact, and our would be 2 years of dating anniversary was yesterday. She texted me saying that she was coming over this Saturday morning to pick up the rest of her stuff in the garage. The way she texted it wasn’t her normal way of texting and almost seemed like she was mad, I told her that I work Saturday morning at 10am so when does she think she’s gonna be there, she said that she’ll show up at around 9:30am so I can lock up the house before I go to work, again pretty dry and straight to the point and then she just says “Thank you!” And thats that, the weird thing is her mom still lives in this town and stops by all the time to grab mail so why couldn’t she just text her mom to pick up her stuff instead of driving 300 miles for 2 boxes of clothes? I would say maybe she wants to reconcile but she was very cold and straight to the point and even only wanting to show up 30 minutes before I have to be at work like she wants the least bit of contact possible? I’m so confused with the mixed signals like why drive all this way for 2 boxes but seemingly not want to talk to me at all, my anxiety is through the roof
Maybe she is in town to visit her mom as well, so it’s not for sure she drove 300 miles to pick up her stuff. My advice would be to be kind and as normal as possible (ignore that anxiety as best you can when she comes). If she clearly broke up with you and it’s nothing you can fix (like if you were taking her for granted or something) then it will be up to her to reach out to you. The stronger and calmer you are (no begging, no fishing for any type of info/comments or show expectation), the better chance you’ll have to either: a) have her come back or b) move on.
You can fall apart in private once she leaves, it’s okay to be torn up about this. Hugs, it gets better, breakups suck.
Chase,
I agree with Carly. In fact, her texts do not seem to be sending a “mixed signal” as you described them. If they are dry and straight forward, then she is simply coming to pick up her stuff. You are simply over analyzing because you want to believe she wants to reconcile. In most cases, this is not the intent. Good Luck with your recovery
Thanks Zan for another great article!
I’m “Tom” the guy from Chile who broke up with her coworker last December (I wanted to say that so you know who I’m and can relate to my other posts).
As per your advice I started strict no contact in January and by mid March I could see that my ex was no longer the proud and “secure” girl I saw walking around ignoring me a month before that. I could see that she tried to make eye contact and even looked at my desk sometimes as she passed by (I caught her looking my way as she walked to her desk).
Somehow by the start of May I felt like my ex and I were going to have a conversation, so I started writing things that I didn’t say the last time we spoke (to explain certain things or the way I behaved sometimes). Anyway when She wrote me (May 11) I was online, she wrote me through Instagram and I saw the notification, but although I was curious about what she had said, I waited a day and a half to write back, she connected and we started talking. Right from the beginning, she was kind of rude, to the point she didn’t even say “hello” and see wrote something like “I think I’m ready to read whatever you wanted to say, if you recognise your mistakes and apologise for them”.
I sent her what I had written, which was a long letter explaining everything (as mentioned I never had the opportunity to explain anything to her) and she said it was not enough and started to give me a bunch of crap, inside I felt like she still is the same person I left back in December: someone who does never apologise, or recognise her mistakes neither thinks is in the wrong (matter of fact I believe she might have some degree of narcissism).
Since I didn’t react to her nasty behaviour she started to write the most hateful things; like I became a psycho and follower, even recorder her (which’s not true, I don’t even know were she got that from) to things like “All I have is that I read a lot, but to memorise things in order to brag about them” (I read a lot, but I never brag about things I know, matter of fact I’m the kind of person that mostly answers to something when is asked) to all of that I didn’t react, I just left the message as “seen” and I decided to move on.
About a week or so later she wrote me saying that All she wanted was to understand things and that my neutral behaviour had her react that way…
She also said that nothing ties her to me, not even friendship but talking about the things she didn’t understand or said is good for her. (once again she didn’t apologise, so I guess I had to take what she wrote as one perhaps?)
I wrote her back, saying not to worry, that I understood that what she said was said on a moment of rage, that I’m not mad or anything. That during this time I have made a lot of thinking and I feel like I’ve grown a lot and I’m concentrating on the things I want for me in the near future while living in “the today”
She wrote back, to what I replied with one sentence…
Is kind of sad that she gave me the answer to move on, to not even care about being friends anymore, that she has not changed a bit, but at least she has shown her true colours.
By this I guess what I want to say is: No matter how good your relationship was, if the person you broke up with you, is not able to move forward, leave the past in the past, do some healing and look internally and say “this is what I did wrong, I won’t repeat it” is not worth it, is not worth our time, effort, sorrow to invest in people like that, for the sake of some memories.
I kept the good things about my recent relationship and left the bad in the past. I’m so happy with the person I’ve become, that I don’t care to write to her anymore.
Do I care if she thinks of me or misses me? hell no, at least no in the state she’s at the moment.
I hope whatever the future brings for you, is the best, be it you and your ex get back together or you both walk different paths.
PS: Sorry for the long post, but I felt I needed to explain the situation.
All the best,
Tom.
Hi Tom.
Thank you for the thorough explanation.
The end of your romantic relationship show you who your ex really is. It brought out the worst in her, so look at her for what she’s done and keep moving forward.
By the looks of it, she’s going to encounter a lot of difficulties with her attitude in the near future. Most likely when she starts dating someone new and expects her new boyfriend to be nice to her.
Best of luck, Tom. I suggest you take some time away from dating to heal from your ex and eventually find someone who’s going to treat you better.
Kind regards,
Zan
If someone breaks up with you and walks out of your life, then they have NO MORE VALUE TO YOU unless THEY reach out. I don’t care if its Angelina Jolie… she leaves, let her go! She’s worthless to you now. The ONLY exception (for me), is if you did something REALLY bad, like punch or spit on her grandma or something retarded like that. Other than something extreme, find something else to distract yourself with.
We all think our partners are the exception to every rule, they’re not. It’s our bruised egos that think they are. The sooner you get that under control, the quicker you’ll realize that as well and get back to business. Remember this: even if there were 100 reasons to leave, the right person will always find the 1 reason to stay and work on things with you. If they don’t, show them your back.
Hi DK.
Thank you for the empowering words. You’re absolutely right. The right person will stay committed and work through everyday issues.
There are some dumpers who need to learn a lesson to appreciate what they had. But such dumpers usually don’t take too long before they come back.
Best,
Zan
Thanks for the great website Zan!
Very, very good comment DK. The only thing I would add however, is the idea that sometimes, whenever children are involved in a relationship, even though we love someone, decisions have to be made since children always come first. In other words, single moms will often leave someone they love if they feel their child can not be happy in the parent’s relationship. Sad, but true.
Great comment, nothing to add 🙂
The best articles! It’s like reading our dumpee mind… I don’t think that he will realize anything of it or miss me but I’m learning to be fine with that
Thank you Zan for your masterpiece as always
Hi Linda.
Thanks for commenting. Soon, won’t care about whether he misses you or not. You’ll find better things to focus on, so prioritize yourself for now.
You’re all that matters now.
Best regards,
Zan
Thank you zan, great article as usual, one question plz. What is exactly his maturity and self awareness needed by him to miss me, in fact he is the nicest person in the world, he dumped me only by being cold and distant, I am sure he used his mind, thought and maturity to decide this, I am not the one for him , I am in no contact since 10 months and he is still away, no Hi, no how are you doing,
Can you tell me when he will miss me?
I doubt
No
I am sure he will never miss me,
Hi AS.
Your ex needs to think about you in a positive light in order to miss you. Either that or he needs to get hurt enough for his feelings to change.
Stay in no contact and heal for now. You’re most likely not ready to reconcile.
Kind regards,
Zan
I think that what my ex gf is doing to me.the way I see it playing with my feelings.everyone has been telling me to move on.i feel I don’t think she feels the same way as I do about her.
Hi M.
You should take people’s advice for now and self-prioritize. Do it to keep your sanity.
Best,
Zan