Dumpees and dumpers are angry at their ex years later for different reasons. Dumpers tend to develop negative thoughts and feelings at the end of the relationship when they feel trapped and in a hurry to leave. Because they can’t leave, they become bitter and resentful and blame their ex for their unwanted feelings. They hold their ex responsible for his or her mistakes and continue to feel victimized even after the breakup.
Pain and anger don’t vanish just because they dumped their ex. Oftentimes, they get even worse. Especially when dumpees continuously ask their exes to think things through and give them another chance. Begging and similar unattractive behaviors annoy dumpers and urge them to push their ex away by force.
Dumpees, on the other hand, go through various acceptance stages. First, they feel rejected and shocked. Then, they feel abandoned and angry. And finally, they get over their ex and see their ex’s flaws. They stop caring about their ex and remember the things their ex said or did to make their post-breakup life difficult.
If their ex ignored and blocked them or started dating someone new, they sometimes stay angry with their ex for years or longer. Anger stays with them long-term because they continue to remind themselves their ex didn’t care about them after everything they did for the relationship. The thought that they were neglected, replaced, used, or abused hurts them, triggers their insecurities, and perhaps even causes them to get back at their ex.
Those who feel the most mistreated after a breakup are more likely to seek revenge. They want their ex to feel as much or more pain than their ex made them feel. To do that, they reveal their ex’s private information or threaten to post pictures of their ex online.
It’s a misconception that all dumpees and dumpers stop feeling angry after some time. Those who continue to make breakup mistakes, take each other to court, call each other names, and annoy each other more often than not hinder each other’s self-growth and delay each other’s recovery. They stay angry even though years have passed since they went their separate ways.
Time doesn’t make a difference to them when they say, think, or do things that drag them back to the past and put salt on their open wounds.
When dumpees and dumpers intentionally focus on the past, think they were victimized, and receive unwanted responses from each other, they tend to bring back memories they should be trying to forget. A part of them likes feeling angry because anger tells them they’re the victims, that they deserve an apology or explanation, and that their ex has most of the work to do.
This kind of thinking prevents them from reflecting and growing and letting go of the person they failed with romantically.
So if you’re still angry at your ex years later and can’t figure out why, remember that you probably focused on your ex when you should have focused on yourself. I don’t know what you did and how you coped with the breakup, but if you got dumped, it likely has something to do with how your ex treated you and what you expected from your ex.
If you expected your ex to give you closure and empathy but received slow and disinterested responses instead, you stayed angry for years because you didn’t get the care you expected from your ex and failed to find answers or support without your ex. You stayed dependent on your ex for healing and became resentful toward your ex because your ex didn’t take accountability for hurting you.
If you’re a dumper, however, then it’s possible your ex kept bothering you and disturbing your healing while you were still in the process of recovering. Either that or you kept reminding yourself of your ex’s negative traits and behaviors and by doing so, prevented yourself from forgiving your ex for years.
Whether you’re a dumpee or a dumper, anger shows that your wounds remain open. It’s in your best interest to figure out why you stayed angry all this time. Had you cut your ex off and followed the rules of no contact to a T, you probably wouldn’t have stayed hurt and angry for so long. You would have processed the breakup at some point and allowed yourself to live in the present moment.
Every person heals at a different pace, but that doesn’t mean they stay angry for years. It’s not normal to stay in the angry stage of a breakup for so long. Anger keeps you obsessed with your ex for the wrong reasons and makes it impossible to start a new relationship with someone else.
You can dislike your ex if you want to; just don’t hate your ex. Hate may give you strength in the moment, but it will also make it harder for you to forgive people and trust them.
In this post, we discuss why you’re still angry at your ex years later and share practical strategies to let go of that anger.
Why am I still angry at my ex years later?
Your reasons for being angry with your ex depend on which side of the breakup you’re on. If you’re a dumpee, you’re angry years later because you didn’t handle the breakup well. You made various breakup mistakes and expected your ex to fix your problems for you.
You might have;
- relied on your ex for money, love, validation, or other relationship benefits
- stayed in touch with your ex
- kept begging and getting rejected (multiple times)
- saw your ex dating and/or having fun without you
- expected your ex to give you closure
- expected your ex to come back eventually
- focused on your ex and continued analyzing your ex’s behavior
You likely let your ex stay in your life and refused to get the help you needed to process the breakup. Instead of talking to supportive friends, therapists, and people with knowledge to help you get your ex out of your head, you probably decided to deal with the ghost of your ex alone. Maybe you ignored the need to heal and resorted to drinking and looking for unhealthy distractions.
I don’t know what you did, but if you dated other people, you probably rebounded with them and missed your ex more. You hated not being able to enjoy your life because of your ex, so you blamed your ex for ruining your life.
You must have done something that’s making it harder for you to move forward with your life. Usually, when dumpees stay angry for years, it’s because they keep talking to their ex and hope their ex will change his or her mind. They wait for their ex to start missing them and wanting them back.
Oftentimes, their ex is already with someone else, but they still hope their ex will come back to them. If their ex doesn’t come back fast enough, they argue or feel angry with their ex or themselves for wasting so much of their time. They know they could have done many more productive things that would have decreased their obsession with their ex and improved their life.
The simplest explanation for why you’re still angry at your ex after all this time is that you haven’t gotten what you needed from your ex. Whether you needed an explanation, an apology, some information, a friendship offer, an ego boost, or an opportunity to get back together, you kept waiting for your ex to fill the void in your chest and help you feel important.
A feeling of importance would have allowed you to accept the past and move forward with your ex or someone else.
The majority of dumpees who stay angry at their ex for years actively or passively look for something from their ex. They don’t cut their ex off for good and get what they need without their ex’s help – on their own. Instead, they break the silence and see if their ex’s opinion of them has changed. When they learn that it hasn’t, they reopen their wounds and need some time to process another rejection.
The rejection makes them feel unimportant and angry, so they stay focused on their ex and delay their recovery.
As long as you have questions you want your ex to answer and emotions that depend on your ex’s answers and behaviors, you can expect to stay hurt and angry at your ex. Your ex’s words and actions will trigger unwanted reminders and make it impossible for you to let go.
Letting go requires you to deal with rejection and grief, which is one of the first stages of a breakup. You have to change your life in such a way that you feel emotionally independent and capable of relying on yourself for the needs your ex helped you with in the past.
On the other hand, if you’re a dumper, then you probably feel angry at your ex because your ex often says or does something you don’t want your ex to do. You either think back and feel victimized by your ex or feel pressured by your ex’s recurring unwanted actions. If your ex continues to reach out, beg, cry, and do things you’re not emotionally ready for, you feel uncomfortable, stressed, and forced to do things you don’t want to do.
Your ex’s behavior brings out the worst in you and forces you to focus on your ex instead of yourself and others.
You may be angry because you:
- haven’t worked on letting go of the past
- failed to set post-breakup boundaries and indirectly encouraged your ex to reach out and disturb your peace
- kept blaming your ex for everything
- associated negative beliefs with your ex and frequently reminded yourself of them
- felt guilt-tripped, annoyed, or threatened by your ex
- thought your ex was trying to take revenge and ruin your reputation
Having said that, here’s why you’re angry at your ex years later.
How do I stop being angry at my ex years later?
Whether your ex is doing things to hurt you now or used to do it in the past, you need to do something about it. You need to change the dynamics of the relationship between you and your ex or break the pattern of being reminded of your ex and feeling emotions you don’t want to feel.
You must start by learning where your anger comes from. Understanding the cause of your anger, which has likely turned into resentment will make things significantly easier because you’ll discover what you need to work on.
You can stop feeling angry even without understanding the root cause of your anger, but it’s better to do some digging and prevent yourself from staying angry with people.
So start by acknowledging your feelings. Admit to yourself that you’re angry at your ex and that long-term anger and resentment are bad for your emotional well-being. They affect your happiness as well as your relationship with yourself. When you’re aware of the consequences of staying angry at an ex from the past, you’ll refuse to give your ex the power to hurt you and waste your time.
Once you’ve done that, practice forgiveness. You can express, reflect on, or write about why it’s important to forgive your ex for hurting you and how you intend to live your life. Don’t write your ex any letters and seek closure directly from your ex. That could bring an unwanted reaction out of your ex and mess up your healing. Learn to rely on yourself for forgiveness and letting go instead.
Ultimately, your anger is your problem. You’re responsible for controlling your thoughts and feelings and making sure to keep moving forward.
To forgive yourself, you can practice forgiveness affirmations such as:
- I forgive my ex for hurting me.
- I’m moving on and focusing on myself
- It’s not healthy for me to obsess over my ex
- I don’t want to be a vengeful person
- I let go of everything that no longer serves me
If certain things trigger your anger, make sure to avoid those triggers. You’ll feel much better if you avoid your ex and things that remind you of your relationship with your ex. This can be places your ex frequents, your ex’s friends, and breadcrumbs from your ex. You won’t resent your ex if you don’t think about your ex.
Not unless you let time pass without actively doing anything to improve your life. If you have too much spare time and stay fixated on your ex, you’ll stay angry just because you didn’t grow, improve, and get busy.
So use this time to disconnect from your ex and create a life independent of your ex. The more independent you become, the less angry you will be at your ex whether it’s been days, weeks, months, or years since you broke up.
Are you still angry at your ex years later? What are you angry about? Share your breakup story in the comments section below. We’ll get back to you shortly.
However, if you’d like a quicker and more detailed response, consider signing up for our private coaching services. We provide various communication options to suit your needs.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
