Oftentimes lost and anxious dumpees wonder when exes come back. They want to know if they should wait and how long they should wait for the person they love to reach the regretful stage of a breakup and come running back.
The answer I give most dumpees is “don’t wait at all” because waiting puts their life on hold and makes their happiness and health dependent on their ex’s choices and actions. It prevents them from moving on and improving the things they need to improve about themselves and their new life.
As for when they come back, it varies for each dumper. Some dumpers need a week or two of space because that’s how long it takes them to realize they still love their ex and that they haven’t detached from their ex yet.
They only need a little bit of time to see that their ex won’t beg and plead for their love and attention.
Other (most) dumpers, though, need months or years to become regretful. They need that long because they need life to slowly teach them some powerful lessons. Lessons that their partner had what they wanted but that they couldn’t appreciate it at the time.
When they learn the lessons they need to learn, they then become scared of feeling left behind and losing their ex forever. The breakup essentially flips on them. It turns them into dumpees who desire a plateau of security in life.
We like to think that exes come back entirely for us, but that’s not entirely true. They mainly come back for themselves because our presence, behavior, and convenience give them certain benefits and positive feelings.
These benefits and feelings usually take their pain, regret, and shame away and replace them with reassuring emotions.
So don’t expect exes to come back just because you were nice to them. To come back, they need to undergo a rational, mental, and emotional change.
This change must severely impact the way they think and feel about you. Only when they change their mentalities can they come back and give you something to work with.
If they come back entirely for non-romantic reasons such as guilt, loneliness, and friendship, they typically don’t redevelop romantic feelings. They just use their ex for emotional fulfillment and leave once they’ve gotten what they needed.
Sadly, exes don’t always fall back in love. Sometimes they just feel curious and nostalgic and want to see how their ex thinks and feels about them. Such exes reach out to breadcrumb their ex for selfish reasons. In their minds, they think it’s okay to reach out and talk about random things when they feel or don’t feel a certain way and think their ex should help them.
This makes dumpers very inconsiderate of their ex’s healing.
So if you want the answer to “When do exes come back,” they come back when they’re certain they (not you) made a terrible mistake. They return when they stop viewing themselves as victims and consider you a person of high romantic value.
This usually happens when something bad happens to them rather than when a certain number of days or weeks go by. Time has nothing to do with romantic regret.
Regret needs an incentive; one that convinces them their chosen path will end in failure and misery. Only unhappiness can dissuade them from pursuing happiness without you.
Don’t think that you must prove your worth to your ex and make your ex see that he or she won’t be happy without you. As a dumpee, you don’t have to prove anything. Even if it was your job, you don’t have that kind of power.
You can’t make your ex see the things he or she needs to see because your ex believes his or her perception of you is 100% correct. Your ex made up his or her mind about you a long time ago, which is why you’re the last person on Earth who can do anything about it.
The reason you lack control is that you’re directly involved and responsible for your ex’s negative thoughts and feelings. I’m not saying you said or did something to make your ex lose feelings, but your ex certainly thinks that there are incompatible elements that broke you up.
Something or someone made the breakup more attractive than the relationship. This must change for your ex to feel the drive to reconnect romantically and invest in the relationship. Your ex must go from thinking “My ex wasn’t right for me” to “My ex was a great match and a catch.”
Such thinking can trigger a sense of urgency and make your ex want you back before you move on and fall in love with someone else. It can change the power dynamics in the breakup and force your ex to respect you and crave your validation and support.
Until that happens, you must hold on to your value by avoiding breakup mistakes. Mistakes include begging, communicating, trash-talking, and doing anything that shows you’re in pain and still want to be with your ex.
Breakup mistakes don’t completely eliminate your chances of getting back together with your ex, but they do lower them as they show you’re attached and that you need your ex to be happy.
If you begged for a few days post-breakup, it’s probably not the end of the world. Most dumpees act on feelings of denial and try to reason with their ex. They’re in so much pain they refuse to accept the breakup and walk away with their head held high.
That’s why they do things that attempt to change their ex’s mind and make them feel validated and needed.
It’s much more concerning if you begged for another chance for weeks or months as months of pressuring can cause irreversible damage to both you and your ex.
It can repulse your ex and permanently affect your self-esteem. Those who don’t leave their ex alone after the breakup tend to struggle to love themselves and re-attract their ex when life gives their ex lemons.
In this post, we talk about when exes come back. We also discuss how you must conduct yourself if you want to preserve your worth and not make things worse.
When do exes come back?
Exes don’t come back only because you loved them and treated them well. They come back when they realize they aren’t and can’t be happy without you. In other words, they return when they see that the life they have now is much worse than the life they had when they were with you.
And the only way they can see that is by comparing the present to the past. When they compare now to back then, they can regret their choices and actions and come running back to secure a place in your heart. That’s when they finally say how sorry they are and that they’re ready to recommit to the relationship.
I suppose the real question is when do exes compare the past to the present? What needs to happen for them to want to compare their new life to the life they shared with you?
Well, most people need to experience some kind of failure, followed by a powerful shock. They need to experience so much anxiety and for so long that they start looking for solutions to their problems in the past.
People often look for solutions to present times in the past, but they do that only if they can’t find any viable solutions in the present.
When they’ve exhausted all options and still feel hurt, they question their worth and wonder if they could have treated people better and made better decisions.
Your best bet is to wait for your ex to hit a snag and reminisce about the good times with you. I’m not saying that will definitely happen when things get tough (some exes don’t look back), but if it does happen, it will be when your ex fails to find peace and happiness without you.
It will happen when your ex gets hurt and wants to feel better with you.
Therefore, dumpers realize they made a mistake when something painful shocks them and shows them they have the grass is greener syndrome. This syndrome makes them understand they underestimated their ex and overestimated their ability to live a joyous life on their own or with someone else.
It normally takes them another failed relationship to understand that the relationship with their ex wasn’t perfect but that it could have been worked on and improved. Romantic failure or in some cases multiple romantic failures can give dumpers a new perspective on their failed relationship and make them nostalgic.
Pain can make even the most stubborn dumpers anxious, depressed, jealous, envious, nostalgic, and insecure. The bigger the issue and the worse they feel, the bigger the chance that they’ll fall back in love with their ex and try to reconcile.
With that said, here’s when exes come back.
Exes come back when they’re unhappy, not when they friendzone the dumpee and slowly through conversation see that they can trust and love their ex.
Slow reconciliations don’t occur very often. In fact, they rarely do.
When dumpees try to talk their way back into the relationship, they more often than not fail and make things worse as they pressure their ex into reciprocating their actions.
Some dumpees even push their ex so far that they get a restraining order against them.
So forget about talking to your ex and making your ex feel good. Before your ex should feel good with you, your ex should feel unhappy without you. Your ex should fail so that he or she can engage in introspection and understand why he or she needs you.
If you give your ex relationship benefits just because you’re nice and want your ex to do the same, you’ll quickly find out that you can’t make your ex fall in love with you before he or she fails in some important way and becomes receptive to you.
The only way your ex can and should come back is of his or her own accord. A reconciliation that occurs on your ex’s terms has the highest chance of short and long-term success as it happens naturally when your ex is ready for it.
So if you want to know when exes come back, it’s not when you want them to. They come back (most of the time) after you’ve detached as that’s when they see you don’t need them anymore and can give them the emotional stability they crave.
The reason exes return when you’ve moved on is because they need time to feel that they’re not as important as they thought. Time helps them process the post-separation relief and gets them in trouble.
If they lack the tools to resolve issues alone, they could contact you and ask for help. Again, every dumper deals with stressors and behaves differently. Your ex might not be the type to confide in you about his or her problems.
He or she might internalize problems and deal with them alone.
If that’s the case, your ex probably won’t come back even if he or she gets cheated on and dumped. This is also true if your ex can’t let go of his or her negative perception of you. A dumper who feels victimized and vengeful will associate negative beliefs and emotions with you for a very long time.
He could do that for the rest of his life if he never evolves as a person.
So keep in mind that exes come back when their character, maturity, and unpredictable circumstances allow them to rather than when you say or do something to make them fall back in love with you.
Sure, your behavior is important. But other than avoiding breakup mistakes, keeping busy, and enjoying your life without bragging about it, there’s not much you can do. You have to keep letting go of your ex and displaying the ability to take care of yourself and others.
Your ex will come back if he or she redevelops feelings and wants you back romantically.
In the meantime, focus on detaching and improving yourself. It will help you in your everyday life as well as in your next romantic relationship.
When do you think exes come back? What must happen for them to reflect on their mistakes and realize they lost someone amazing? Share your views in the comments below below. We’ll get back to you shortly.
And if you prefer a personalized 1-on-1 approach, check out our coaching options here.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Sophie—she’s 40. You’re 35. Not that much of a difference. From the way you sounded in your first response I thought you guys were in your 20s. Look—he left you for a woman with 2 children instead of having his own. With you. What that means is, this woman probably has more money and reaources to treat him to things. Maybe she has more than you who knows? Maybe he’s not ready to be relied on and instead is looking for someone he can rely on? So he took off for any port in a storm. It’s all so red flaggy you should be grateful he left before he took up more years of your life. Read up on what’s happening to men globally. Sperm counts have dropped by over half since WW II in men because of endocrine disruptors in the environment:
https://www.euronews.com/next/2023/06/15/sperm-counts-are-declining-scientists-believe-they-have-pinpointed-the-main-causes-why
What does this mean? Well for starters, men are half the men their grandfathers were, literally. He’s looking for a woman to take care of him Sophie. Plain and simple. She’s got 2 kids and he wants to be the third.
I hope you can move on, and find someone else. It’s over.
Claire, our world is changing rapidly. So, i would be cautious with comments on masculinity linked to sperm count. I could use the same logic with women nowadays, my grandma had 6 children and 3 stillborn, so 9 kids in total. My ex wife had one kid. Does this make her 1/6th of even 1/9th of a woman ?
Sorry but this comment needed a proper response
“Well for starters, men are half the men their grandfathers were, literally.”
Nick—the science is clear.
Sorry if it struck a nerve with you but sperm count in men is linked to testosterone. Same way fertility in women is linked to estrogen. Hormones influence the gamut of human drives.
You brought up your female relative’s live and still births as anecdotal data that is supposed to rebut peer reviewed, widely disseminated (no pun intended) research evidence. I could put links to more studies here, but doubt you would read any of them.
Procreation-wise, who cares.
Behavior wise, hormones influence things like sex drive. That was my point.
The saying “Half the man their grandfathers were” is just that, a saying, that you for some reason took literally.
Again, Sophie’s guy left her not for a younger hotter woman, but for an older woman who already has 2 children. What does that tell you about his desire? Not much, but from where I’m standing he sounds like he’s looking for something other than starting his own family. Maybe he’s looking to be attended to, and liked what he saw?
Sorry that you missed the whole point and were offended.
The point I made and you missed entirely is that procreation is not the only measure for a man or woman, you seem to be really seeing this world in black or white. There would be fathers or mothers of a dozen kids that would be by far half the men or women compared to others not having any children. Maybe you should watch the intro to the movie idiocracy, also please reread what you have sent to me In your response. It is the way you try to be offensive that is unnecessary 🙂
To further proof point my thesis, being a biological parent does not necessarily make you a better or worse human being.
Here is more science contradicting your original link as well, so even science is still contradictory in the original post of yours
https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2021/05/fears-over-falling-human-sperm-count-may-be-overblown/
Nick, Harvard is a great school that is known more for its lawyers than anything else, so I won’t compare them to MIT or Cal Tech. Again, never meant to offend you, but this link to this study is almost 3 years old, archaic in the research world. And the grant for the study was funded by the makers of Viagra. I’m not trying to offend you. You are correct that procreation doesn’t define one. But character does. And all I was saying was, that Sophie’s ex didn’t seem to have the drive to start a family of his own with her, but left to be with a ready made one. Good or bad, we don’t know, but that is what she wrote.
I agree with you on the point you tried to make about Sophie’s ex Claire. IMHO you picked an irrelevant argument though, this never actually hit any nerve of mine, I just decided to stand up for the millions of men or women that may never have children of their own and thought it is very unfair to compare them with their ancestors and say they were less of a man or woman according to sperm or egg count.
@Nick
She sounds like a warmonger retard from FDS…
I never provoked or used any adjective towards the poster, although i received quite offensive comments and remarks like
“I could put links to more studies here, but doubt you would read any of them.”
“Sorry that you missed the whole point and were offended.”
In the same page the original poster first sent this and i quote
“What does this mean? Well for starters, men are half the men their grandfathers were, literally.”
and below the same person sends this mentioning me
“The saying “Half the man their grandfathers were” is just that, a saying, that you for some reason took literally.”
So the point they typed and used literally and i took literally was not meant to be taken, well, literally
🙂
in the end we can all debate and disagree but we do not need to insult each other ( or try to tweak the words we used when we could have just admitted using a weak argument. So why be agressive towards any other ?
We all like this place and discuss freely here and all appreciate Zan for giving us the opportunity to do so.
I could not agree more with all of you above … still would like to add my own experience and probably another perspective to the similar story:
my ex wife monkey branched to her affair after me finding out the hard way ( she left me with our kid to have vacation on our own and i had to hack her phone to find out the bitter truth ). We were 24 years together and 14 married.
I liked a phrase by Zan about avoiding hope and living a perfectly fine breakup lol
yes, it is exactly like that ! only if you live the breakup to the full extent you can grow of it and get over it eventually.
For me, less than 2 years down the road and living a life so different than while married is fulfilling on its own :
I had not run more than 5km for decades … and finished the authentic marathon in Athens, as well as 3 half marathons all in 2023.
Healthier than ever, visited 6-7 countries in 2023 and one of the trips was with my son which will never forget the experience ( his first time abroad ), living closer to my standards and my own self now.
What is missing ? well, you all mention dumpees expect their dumper to come back and we all assume this is due to love, romantic expectations and such. What if it also the sense of validation, justification and ego as well ?
when you get dumped your own world does crush you. You may see no reason or sense around you.
So when your cheating dumper comes back you do get back this missing justification, even if you would not want to come closer and live with your ex ever again.
For me, it is simple: i have to interact with her due to our kid, but this is it
My boy does see changes in our lives and the validation by him is far stronger than any dating so far ( he even complimented me on how i train, how i look and how we do things together, i am the new dad as he likes to say )
It is funny how even her relatives like to comment on me and praise my choices in front of her.
She seems more stuck to her former beliefs about me now as it would really kill her from inside to acknowledge her mistake throwing away all this common life together ?
time will tell !
It is just strange how the life i did not want and the path i was forced to take seems more rewarding that the commitment i wanted to stick to and the marriage we both failed at.
Strange
Hi Nick.
I’m sorry to hear that your wife cheated on you and branched to someone else behind your back. I know this doesn’t console you much, but she’ll pay for it one way or another. Karma will get her when she does the same to someone else.
Use this time to work on yourself and live a fulfilling life. You’ll feel better than ever once you’ve fully accepted the breakup and her behavior.
You’re right, dumpees want their ex back for ego purposes. Many dumpees have told me they don’t want to be with their ex, they just want their ex to want them back to feel validated.
Eventually, you’ll see that your new life is way better than the life you lived and that you wouldn’t go back to it no matter what.
Best regards,
Zan
Ofcourse I still want to give us another chance, but what I do is to mentaly prepare myself to meet a new partner and to cut my ex off completely and forever. It may not be what I want but I’d rather prepare myself for a worst case scenario than hope for the best case.
I think I am almost 6 months in no contact. I will spend new year with our mutual friends group but she will not participate. After new year her new relationship have lasted as long as our relationship did, so I really hold no hope for reconciliation at this point.
I have been inactive in the group chat we have with our friend group and have only posted when I have been adressed directly. But I still meet our friends and have a good time. My friends are desserving of my presence and light hearted and fun behaviour. She only deserves my absence at this point. And that’s why I stay out of the group chat.
My friends noticed that I have been busy and they asked me about it, I told them that I started going to dance classes.
I have been very secretive about my activities, even to my friends, but I guess this will probably eventually reach my ex.
I haven’t had any contact with her son or played any videogames with him.
Have no problem with her kids and hate for them to be caught in the crossfire, but I need to stay away for my own sake.
Hi Gordon.
Stay in no contact. You’ve managed to stay away from her for 6 months, so I’m sure it’s not very hard to focus on yourself and those who care about you. You might eventually (when you’re over her) feel tempted to reach out just to exchange a few words, but try not to act on that curiosity. You must remember that she branched to someone else and that she doesn’t deserve friendship or anything.
Your friends will probably let her know what you’re up to. It won’t make her come crying back, but it will tell her you’re busy and moving on. As for her kids, it may be best to not deliberately stay in touch and bond. It would likely inconvenience your ex and make her bitter.
Sincerely,
Zan
Not to sound cynical, but I don’t think there’s ever a scenario of an ex coming back that is healthy and beneficial to the dumpee. Or at least in only the rarest of cases. From a guy’s perspective, she almost certainly left because she thought she had found a much better deal. It’s only after that better deal turned out to be an illusion that they crawl back – maybe months later. How could you take that person back? Their motivation is pure desperation and self-interest and has nothing to do with you, because if that were the case your ex would never have left in the first place. And assuming you do take an ex back after they’ve left you, after they’ve been with at least one other person, how on earth could you ever trust them again, or un-see in your mind what they were doing while they were gone, or feel at ease in the relationship. There’s nothing in the world a dumpee wants more than an ex to return, but dumpees tend to be highly irrational and unrealistic, and don’t have the capacity to see what an ex’s return would actually entail for them and the once-was relationship. Once they leave it’s over.
Doug,
You are correct 100%. If you read through all of Zan’s work, here and there he advises that he’s against reconciliations for the precise reasons you mention. Dumpers come back for themselves. You are always the backup plan. Leaving once means next time they leave will be even easier. Who wants to live like that? Best to turn the tables—when they come back, thank them for leaving! Say that you also felt the relationship wasn’t sustainable but didn’t have the heart to leave. Again, compliment them for leaving you, say that it’s opened many doors for you during the time they’ve been gone, and send them on their way. You’ll thank yourself later. One of the best pieces I’ve read on here is that dumpers get a dopamine rush when they can manipulate you. They’re hard wired like that. Ask yourself how would you feel hurting people? Probably awful. That’s the difference between a hurting dumpee and a dumper. In most cases anyway.
Dopamine hits wired their reward systems in their brains long before you ever entered the picture. Most behaviors harden with age. Do you want to hitch your wagon to that? If anyone on here is considering taking an ex back who left them, consider how lonely and desperate do you want to be 5-10 years from now? As Zan says, you get back what you put in. Sometimes what you get back though is a pile of garbage.
Hi Doug.
You’re right, they come back for themselves because their main plan failed. The dumpee must be extra careful and must study the reasons the dumper left and returned. That way, the dumpee can decide if the dumper’s intentions and regret are legit. Also, when the dumper has returned, trust can be hard to regain, especially if he or she cheated and/or dated some else. The suffering, fear, and doubt may not be worth it.
The problem with this thinking, though is that we’re looking at it from a rational viewpoint. Most dumpees still take their ex back because they feel invalidated and hurt. Usually only those who’ve processed the breakup and found someone else can say no to their ex.
Sincerely,
Zan
Zan, Thank you for the article.
It’s good to finally see someone say things as they are, as opposed to many self-proclaimed coaches who sugar coat the truth and tell people that everything will be fine if they wait 30 or 60 days and contact their ex again.
Why do they do that? Because it sells and makes profit and they know that someone who is in deep pain will try anything to get their ex back.
There’s what a dumpee needs to hear (a down-to-earth article like the one above) and what a dumpee wants to hear (reassuring words such as: if it’s meant to be, your ex will come back).
Don’t get me wrong, having been dumped myself, I fully understand the pain and the agony. It’s real and one of the most devastating experiences one can go through, especially when cheated on or ghosted.
But the world is not all roses, and breakups do not usually unfold like they do in Hollywood movies.
Moreover, dumpees might be emotional individuals, but they are not weak or pathetic, though a recent breakup typically unequivocally makes them feel that way. Most are simply uninformed about attraction dynamics and power struggles in relationships. I am certain a lot of heartbroken people would regain their sense of self-worth much quicker if they gained the necessary knowledge to deal with a breakup. Knowledge is power.
Many people don’t have family, friends or anyone to talk to, and it makes it much harder for them to recover, but we are fortunate to be living in the age of technology where a lot of valuable information and advice can be found on the Internet. You just have to keep a shrewd and astute mind to know what information to consider or believe.
Hi Brandon.
You’re right. Some coaches advocate the 30-day no contact rule because they know it gives dumpees hope. It makes them listen to them and increases the chances of purchasing their services. Such coaches prey on the vulnerable and have no shame. They’re okay with deceiving people and hurting them as long as they benefit from it.
Dumpees often search for hope, so they feel drawn toward people who willingly give it. They must realize hope is something they should let go of rather than act on.
Best,
Zan
Wowowow, an excellent new article, Zan!
I missed your writing style!
I needed a hard reality check from you to realize that ex-s come back for themselves!
I’m so grateful for the one-on-one help and will be forever thankful for your help!
I’m here because of you and my willingness (you always add this but I think just because your help)
Sending you good energy today ❤️
Hi Linda.
I’m glad you enjoyed the post! Thanks for commenting!
Zan
Please help.
Ex dumped me out of the blue after living together and 6 year relationship. I went NC straight away and made no break up mistakes (internally I really struggled).
He contacted me a few times over “bills” and I gave nothing away and was polite, transpires he monkey branched into a relationship with a much older woman (40yo) with 2 children.
I don’t understand how he can’t commit to me (engagement would have been next for us and I think this scared him) but he can commit to now being in a “happy family “ dynamic with children that are not his?
He is avoidant, impulsive and has blocked me on social media even though I’ve made no break up mistakes, never tried to contact and I was a great partner.
Will he come back? Will he regret? Does he have GIGS?
I am working on me but I just have been struggling with the sudden break up and no answers as well as potential cheating. Even if he doesn’t come back to me I’d like to know that he would perhaps regret his decision. It’s been the hardest thing over ever had to do and still is.
Hi Sophie.
I can’t say if he’ll regret his decision, but right now, he believes he can be happier. I also suspect that he cheated before he left. He will have to go through the happy phases with this woman and see how he feels when excitement wanes. I think that it will be hard for him, especially if he’s young and lacks responsibility.
He might have blocked you to cut off the past and not think about what he’s done or simply to show his new partner he’s only interested in dating her.
If he has GIGS, he’ll probably need 4 – 6 months to stop having it. I suggest you keep letting go of him as he shows no remorse and doesn’t deserve you.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thank you so much for replying!
We are both 35 so we are at the age where the next step was engagement and children… I don’t understand how or why he would throw that away? It just doesn’t make sense?
Can you shed anymore light on it or make understanding of it?
We lived together for the majority of our relationship (6 years).
I can’t understand how he’d leave me out of nowhere especially for a woman with her own 2 young children… he wanted children with me. We were generally a happy couple (or so I thought) Only in April this year he told friends of mine that he would propose soon…then May sudden pull pack and it just crumbled from there and break up. You are right he definitely cheated on me as he met this woman a couple of months before he broke up with me.
Hi Sophie.
People have an uncanny ability to take anything for granted, including a serious, long-term relationship. They stay thinking they deserve more and that they can and must get more at all cost. We call this the grass is greener syndrome. It often affects middle-aged men and people who lack self-awareness and gratitude.
Your ex likely cheated on you emotionally and/or physically and left you to be with that woman. He did that because he lacked morals, commitment, gratitude, and emotional strength.
Best,
Zan