Many exes contact their previous partners years later. They get curious or nostalgic, so they reach out via text, call, or social media.
By reaching out, they determine whether their ex hates them, likes them, loves them, respects them, or feels neutral about them.
If your ex contacted you during no contact years after the breakup, you have an important decision to make. You can either become your ex’s friend, an acquaintance who talks to an ex once in a while, or you can ask your ex not to reach out and keep moving on.
What you decide to do should depend on:
- whether you think your ex can make a good friend
- how much emotional progress you’ve made since the breakup
- and how much respect you have for your ex
If you still have feelings for your ex, that doesn’t mean you should talk to your ex and get your hopes up. Exes don’t always want to get back together after reaching out. More often than not, they just want to catch up and be friends.
Although your ex could want you back, it’s much more likely that he or she will just want to find out how you feel about him/her and try to learn what you’ve been up to.
I know it can feel tempting to converse with your ex and convince your ex you’ve changed, matured, and become a better version of yourself, but that’s not why exes reach out after years. Dumpers just don’t care if you’ve changed or not because when they reach out, they have no expectations of you and still see you the way they saw you prior to the breakup.
Only exes who don’t talk for 5 years or more sometimes start to change their opinion of their ex. But they do that only if they still have some respect for their ex, if they see that their ex has grown significantly in their absence, or if they get hurt.
In today’s article, we’ll discuss why an ex would contact you years after the breakup and how to respond to specific reach outs.
What does it mean when an ex contacts you years later?
When an ex contact you years after the breakup, your ex wants to get something from you. That something may not necessarily be what you may have been hoping for, but it’s something only you have.
Normally, it’s information like:
- what you’ve been up to
- how you’ve been
- whether you’ve been dating
- how your family’s doing (not to be mistaken for an indirect approach to break the ice)
- what your plans are for the future
- how you perceive your ex and feel about him or her
But other times, a conversation with your ex can also provide your ex with an opportunity to:
- apologize
- appease guilt
- become friends with you
- get a favor from you
- get back at you
- or express regret and romantic feelings
When your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend contacts you years later, your ex finally gets over the anger, disgust, contempt, or suffocation caused by unhealthy perceptions and becomes okay with talking with you. That’s why he or she breaks the rules of no contact that he or she has been following religiously and gives you some of your power back.
Your ex may not want you back, but when it takes your ex years to reach out, you can tell that your ex has been thinking about you for so long that he or she changed some opinions of you and mustered up the courage to contact you.
Your ex probably felt apprehensive about contacting you after so many years, but because your ex was curious about you or needed a favor or something else from you, he or she contacted you anyway. It’s imperative that you learn why your ex reached out after so many years so that you know what to do with your ex.
How do I know why my ex reached out after years?
The moment you hear from your ex, you probably won’t know what your ex wants from you. You’ll wonder if your ex wants to talk about random things or discuss something important.
My advice is to not get distracted by what your ex says too much and instead look at the things your ex asks or expects from you. His or her inquiries, requests, or demands, as well as the approach and attitude your ex chooses will soon reveal why your ex contacted you after so many years.
They’ll reveal whether your ex wants to keep you around out of convenience or if your ex has more selfless plans for you.
The best way to get to the bottom of this is to ask your ex some questions back. I’m not talking about questions about your ex’s life, but rather about his or her reasons for reaching out. It may seem a bit strange to ask your ex that, but don’t worry about that.
If you were dumped and forced to go no contact with your ex, asking your ex this question is perfectly fine.
Just ask, “Why did you reach out to me after all this time?” Your ex will likely be at a loss of words at first, but soon either give you the truth or half-truth.
Your ex could say:
- I wanted to check up on you and see how you’re doing. That would mean that your ex has been curious about you and possibly even felt guilty for hurting you. Normally, a concerned ex would reach out soon after the breakup and would offer to help in any way that he or she can. Dumpers who apologize after years tend to do so because they get hit by karma.
- I found your diary and thought you would want it back. This would indicate that your ex used an item of your interest to reach out and converse with you. The easiest way for dumpers to contact their dumpees nonchalantly is to tell them something that interests them. That way, they offer to give something to their exes even though they intend to gain something from reaching out.
- I saw that you got married, congratulations! Dumpers often compliment their dumpees or wish them well to show that they have no hard feelings for them. You can just thank your ex and go back to no contact.
- Your ex could also be very direct and say “It’s been years since we spoke. I reached out to see if it’s possible to be friends now. Do you want that?” In this case, take some time to decide if you want to be friends with your ex.
When you receive a response to “Why did you reach out,” discern if your ex means what he or she says by paying attention to your ex’s attitude. Observe the way he or she speaks to you and see how long it takes for your ex to lose interest and stop talking.
If your ex talks nicely to you for a little while and then doesn’t talk to you for weeks, that could mean that your ex got what he or she was after. It could mean that your ex received forgiveness, validation, or that he or she eased curiosity.
But if your ex keeps messaging you afterward and shows a lot of interest in you in one way or another, then your ex probably wants to be friends or is gathering the courage to ask you out again.
You should be careful so you don’t misinterpret your ex’s behavior and get mislead and hurt.
What to do when an ex contacts you years later?
When you receive a text or call from an ex years after the breakup, the very first thing you must do is learn why your ex reached out to you. When you know why he or she reached out, you’ll be able to decide whether talking to your ex is even a good idea.
So first things first, discern what your ex wants from you and secondly, what you can gain from your ex. If your ex doesn’t want to be your friend, for example, you obviously won’t be able to be friends with your ex. You’ll have to settle for way less than that.
For something your ex actually wants.
You must keep in mind that your ex (the dumper) decides what kind of a relationship is possible. He or she controls everything up until the point when he or she suggests a certain type of relationship.
What does this mean for you?
It means that you must wait for your ex to verbalize or show what he or she wants. When your ex finally does that, you’ll quickly regain your power and be able to say how you want things to go. You’ll set your own pace and see if your ex agrees.
Until that happens, you don’t do anything. You don’t dictate the pace, criticize your ex, or talk about the breakup. You just sit tight and wait for your ex to reveal what he or she wants.
There’s no generic advice on what to do when your ex contacts you after years. But here’s what you should consider doing when you discover that your ex:
- Wants you back. If you have feelings for your ex and want your ex back, agree to take your ex back on a probationary period. Your ex will have to prove that he’s capable of changing and committing to you. However, if you don’t want your ex back, say that you’ve moved on from the past and that you wish him or her the best of luck.
- Wants to be friends. If you’re ready to befriend your ex, you can accept the friendship and see if your ex wants to be friends or just wants your forgiveness. But if you’re still hurting over the loss of your relationship or if you don’t respect your ex enough to be friends, politely say that you’re not interested in friendship at this moment and that you’ll let your ex know if you change your mind.
- Talks to you and disappears. This is called breadcrumbing. It’s when an ex reaches out just to get something from you and then disappears. An ex could disappear by ignoring you or by ending the conversation and staying out of contact afterward.
- Wants your help with something. If your ex wants something from you, your ex will directly or indirectly point it out. Know that you don’t have to do your ex any favors unless you want to and got over the breakup. The choice is yours.
- Gets angry at you or threatens you. In this particular case, you don’t have to talk to your ex. You probably shouldn’t until your ex calms down and respects you.
To conclude, here are 7 things to do when an ex contacts you years later.
Do exes come back years later?
Some dumpers break up with their partners, enjoy their lives, date other people for a while, and then realize they aren’t happy. Such dumpers often get nostalgic, hurt, and depressed so they contact an ex they used to be close to and come running back faster than greased lightning.
They do whatever it takes to reconnect with an ex because their ex can make them feel better. He or she can take their pain and sorrow away and give them what they need to feel safe and comfortable.
So yes, exes come back years after the breakup. They return because their life doesn’t go according to plan, so they remember their exes and use them as a backup plan.
Of course, as a dumpee, you might not have to stay your ex’s backup plan forever. If the dumper realizes your worth, he or she could learn to respect you again and make you into the most valuable person in his or her life.
But for that to happen, your ex has to suffer and change his or her opinion of you. If your ex just suffers and impulsively runs back to you, your ex might not reflect long enough to discover your worth. Your ex could just come back to patch his or her wounds and take you for granted again.
So before you take your ex back, make sure your ex wants you for you and not just because your ex can benefit from you and rely on you emotionally.
What do you intend to do now that your ex contacted you? Do you want to pursue a relationship, friendship, acquaintanceship, or do you wish not to speak with your ex? Let me know what your plans are in the comments below.
And also, if you’re looking for 1-on-1 help with your ex, check out our coaching page.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hi Zan, thanks for this super insightful article.
I’m going thru a similar situation where an ex texted me “how are you doing” out of the blue after 8 years.
I was the “other woman” when we first started the affair. Eventually, he broke up with his original gf, and we dated long distance for a while. But in this time, he said he was too consumed by guilt (for breaking up w his original gf), and ended things w me.
subsequently, he would text me nostalgic things, and for hookups (which we sometimes did. After a while, I stopped entertaining hookup requests, and started dating someone new. But still maintained a friendship with him – we’d chat via text often.
Eventually, through a friend, I realised that he was cheating on me too with another girl (during the time we were dating long distance). I confronted him. To which he denied the timeline and wanted to stop discussing this and move on.
I went NC after that. 2 years later he messaged to apologise (after seeing me at an event). I did not reply. And now, he texted 6 years after that asking how I am. To which I have not replied yet, but I do admit I am curious – and a bit flattered – and wondering whether it’s nostalgia / curiosity or boredom.
I’m married with a kid, and have no intention of going back. however, I do want to cause as much pain to him as I can lol, so wondering whether i should reply (eg why are u contacting me) or just continue to ignore?
I know it’s petty, but I feel like I want to end this having more power and dignity. Thank you for any advice!
Hi So Naive.
Ask him politely why he reached out. If he invites you out, you can always reject him and get the validation you seek. Don’t befriend him or see him in person as that could affect your marriage and make you obsessed with him for the wrong reasons. You seem to be happy in your relationship, so stay away from the guy for your family’s sake.
Best regards,
Zan
My ex has reached out a few times since finishing with me. This is now the third time, and it’s been about a year and a half. Each time, he’s used an indirect approach and an excuse to talk about something work related. Each time it’s been something I know he didn’t need to talk to me about. The previous time, he started trying to flirt which I found really weird, annoying and disappointing. I was distant and shut the conversation down, and totally did not expect to hear from him ever again.
Now, I know its his birthday in about a week’s time, so I wonder if this could have prompted any feelings of loneliness/nostalgia? Unfortunately the first two times he reached out, I was excited and did get my hopes up, only to come crashing down when nothing further happened. This time, not only am I fully over him, but I’m completely detached from the outcome. We had a chat yesterday, I finished the conversation, and thought that was that. He then messaged back again 2 hours later, continuing the conversation. I was polite and friendly, and spoke as If he was a friend. I was upbeat, he was closed, anxious and downbeat. It was odd then, that he continued trying to speak. I suspect he’s upset about something, but no idea what.
I will now go back into no contact and expect nothing further from him.
I don’t think he’s serious about anything at any rate, if I had to guess I’d say he’s been dumped/had something else bad happen to him, and was bored. The only thing I can’t work out is why he wanted to keep talking to me, if he was going to come across as closed off and down.
Either way it doesn’t matter to me anymore.
Hi Natasha.
Maybe he needed your help with some problem he was dealing with and didn’t want anything else. Dumpers can be selfish as they often reach out for themselves. They’re downbeat and odd because they have no regrets and desires to reconcile.
Whatever his reason for speaking with you was, it doesn’t matter because he didn’t want you back. He would have put in the effort if he did.
Sincerely,
Zan
I would like to contact my ex from 22 years ago. She was my first love. We live in different countries. We were very young at the time we were together, only 20 and because of age and distance it didn’t work out. It was devastating for me. We, however, stayed friendly with emails and calls for several years until I met my gf and had a child. I eventually married. Then I didn’t write to her anymore. I’ve tried contacting some of her old emails 2x over the last year with no luck. She didn’t open them from my end. I would like to try a third time to a different email address, the last one I have not tried. I care about her a lot and started thinking of her again this year after my father died and wanted to know how she is doing. I am married with kids. I know if she gets the email she will respond. Is it wrong of me to continue to try and find her when i have a family? I feel like most people wouldnt understand me doing this. I would like just to know how her life turned out and that she is OK. She meant a lot to me at one time in my life.
Hi Kristopher.
You want to contact her because of two things. 1)Nostalgia and 2)Increased nostalgia due to your father’s death. In my opinion, you shouldn’t contact her because you have a family to focus on. A girl from 22 years ago shouldn’t be a priority for you anymore. It’s not healthy to keep reaching out and talking to her.
Besides, she isn’t getting back to you, so there’s no point in being the only one who reaches out. Let her contact you if she wants to. And when she does, figure out if you can have a healthy friendship.
Sincerely,
Zan
I saw my ex post on a facebook page I was a group in. Very small group of 3,500 so chance of me seeing a message from her I worked out was like 20 million to one. Anyway I replied nicely and she was surprised I wanted to even speak to her. (in 1997 she broke off an engagement… she was 22 and I was 28).
Turns out, we have thought about each other since and by the time she realised, was too late as I had married… the next women I went out with. However to say a rocky marriage would be an understatement. My wife got sick after 2 years and I have been her carer since. Very hard, traumatic at times.
Been talking to my ex for about a month and for 1st time in 10+ years I feel happy. She has grown up and matured a lot in this time, as have I. We are on opposite sides of the Country now which makes it hard, but not impossible.
What’s sad is during a 2.5 year separation period I had no idea how she felt. I assumed she didn’t want to contact me and vice-versa.
TBO we didn’t really even say good-bye… was no real closure.
Life can be so cruel at times as she was the love of my life and my heart never let me forget her.
Hi Dean.
Many years have passed since you were together, so naturally, you’ve matured and changed quite a bit. That doesn’t, however, mean that you should talk to her, keep getting closer, and abandon your wife. This isn’t the time to look for alternative sources of happiness. You already have a family to take care of.
Kind regards,
Zan
My ex was the dumper and sent an e-mail after 4+ years of no contact. She said she feels guilty for our relationship (as I was involved with someone else at the time.) She’s now married with a kid and said being married is hard, having a family is hard. she also said as a married woman, an affair would be devastating and destructive. But ultimately, she wanted me to know that she feels bad for how mean she was to me when we broke up. These details seem very random, especially when she would send me this out of the blue after so long. I’m guessing she’s trying to do something to clear her conscience.
Hi John.
I think you’re right. Something bad must have happened to her that made her want to clear he conscience. She said marriage is hard, so it’s possible she finally reflected and realized she was very mean to you after the breakup. You get to decide whether to forgive her and alleviate her guilty conscience.
Kind regards,
Zan
I wouldn’t bother replying to an ex who dumped me years ago, even if I’m unattached. I don’t care why you’re reaching out now. Go away.
Hi BJ.
Exes sometimes need years to process the breakup and find reasons to communicate. No one says you need to entertain them.
Kind regards,
Zan
My ex contacted me after 10 + years. Very random in his message he stated that it was crazy for reaching out and that I’ve always been brought up in conversion by school mates and that he’s sorry if he negatively impacted me and he’s always wishing the best for me and he’s never forgot me. After reading his message im not sure if I should reply.
Hi Emily.
You don’t need to reply if you don’t want to (things could get out of hand). But if you’re with someone else and feel happy, you can respond and see what triggered his nostalgia. It’s up to you.
Zan
This is super interesting as information. I had an ex reaching out to me after 4 years, he left me for someone else but never owned up to it after the breakup, but I knew and so did many of our friends. He contacted me on the exact date we broke up 4 years ago in february. He said he’d been having dreams about me and wanted to see if I’m ok and that was it. Strangely, I am going through health issues and was quite surprised about his message. That was all he wanted and said he’s glad I’m ok, never heard from him since. Would this be considered bredacrumbing or did he just want to check how I was?
Hi Al.
This is considered breadcrumbing as he was concerned about your health. He had no intention of getting back with you romantically. Stay out of contact with him, Al.
Best,
Zan
Thanks for replying, I figured it probably was. Will defo not repy if he decides to reach out again!
I look forward to it, Al. Keep me posted.
Zan
I am considering contacting my ex that I haven’t had contact with I over 5 years. She is remarried and I do not want to interrupt that but I never had a chance to thank her for being such a great step mom to my children even after we were not in contact. I think that she would really appreciate hearing that and she deserves it. I do not want to interrupt her life now and do not want to reopen any wounds. Maybe it is best to let it be. What do you think?
Hi T Good.
I think you should let this one go. It’s been quite some time since she was a stepmom to your kids, so there’s probably no need to message her now. It’s up to you, but she is married, after all.
Zan
Thank you Zan for your perspective. If we cross paths I will thank her otherwise I am letting this one go.
Hi T Good.
Sounds good! Let me know how it goes!
Zan
My ex contacted me after 18 months of no contact during lockdown. Her requirements weren’t clear and she wanted me to make suggestions about what to do, but her first question was: “I don’t know if you want us to go back to before, where we are living in separate places?”
I suggested spending more time together at hers, or going away together somewhere to stay for a period.
After 6 months of balance to initiation of conversation, she stopped getting in touch. I realised after a few weeks that I was the only one initiating again.
It was two years since the end of the relationship this September and I feel like I have wasted two years of my lifetime.
Hi James.
Your ex wasn’t committed to coming back. I think she just wanted to test the waters for a while since she missed you. Unfortunately, though, she didn’t miss you long enough. It seems that her anxiety or whatever she felt disappeared when she started talking to you again. Maybe she’d met someone else and lost interest because of him.
I can’t say for sure, but it’s time for you to move forward from this person. You gave her a chance and she blew it.
Best regards,
Zan
I had my ex reached out after 2 years of no contact after cheating on me and treating me poorly during the relationship. She apologized for everything and expressed a desire to be friends again.
I didn’t reply. It weighs on me even now (a few months after) but ultimately I didn’t know what to say or how to respond. I had blocked her and all her family on social media so no one could know what I was up to and I could just disappear. I didn’t feel empowered by her reaching out, just felt sad more than anything else. I felt that she was just trying to ease her guilt rather than anything else, and it wasn’t my job to do that.
Hi Jeff.
As you say, it was likely just an attempt to ease her guilt. The good thing about it is that you get to decide whether you want her in your life or not. By the looks of it, you don’t have a lot of respect for her, so you want to keep moving on without her.
Best regards,
Zan
After 4 years, my ex reached out to me asking how I have been (The end of our relationship was somewhat mutual. He cheated on me more than once and I developed trust issues. He also had trust issues before we got together. We also struggled with communication but we were young so makes sense lol). I told him I am married now. He mentioned catching up and I respectfully declined, immediately established the limit. He was understanding and glad to know I am happy. I wished him well too. I think it is best I keep my distance to avoid stirring the pot. I don’t want to bring up the passed too, rather move forward for the sake of everyone involved. I hope his heart is at peace/ease despite things not going how he may have expected. Thank you for your article very insightful.
Hi Anonymous.
I think you did the right thing. Politely rejecting his invitation to meet up was mature and respectful to all parties involved. There is simply no need to reconnect with him now that you’re married and doing well. You live separate lives now and he needs to respect that.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan,
My ex contacted me after about 3 years of no contact.
We were together for about 5 years until she broke it off. I tried so much to get her to stay but ended up hurting myself really badly in the process as she was my first so I really wanted it to work.
She’s blocked me off everything , moved twice now. She even made accusations towards me after the first month of our no contact to add salt to the wounds.
Now she’s unblocked me and sent me messages saying she’s moved and wants to tell me something or speak to me about something but I personally don’t feel ready to talk as I don’t want to be put back into that same place I was mentally. Even me avoiding texting her, I feel all my time healing has gone to waste, I feel a little depressed again all just because she’s back in my life and in my mind.
I’m not sure if I’m doing the right thing.
Hi Adam.
You slipped back into a temporary depression, but this won’t last long. If you stay in no contact (and you should), you’ll recover in a matter of days (most likely). There’s a chance she wants you back, but be careful about that. It may not be worth getting dumped and hurt again.
You’ve got this, Adam!
Sincerely,
Zan
If one of my exes reached out to me years after the break-up I’d know that their personal lives have become a great disappointment and now they’re reevaluating what they foolishly threw away years before
Hi Doug.
Something is often wrong when an ex comes back into the picture years later. You have to be careful.
Best,
Zan
I think my ex will never contact me after years later. But this article is so important and healthy ways for dumpeees.
Thanks to you, I got myself together :))
Always so grateful
It’s okay if your ex doesn’t contact you, Linda.
It’s much more important that he lets you enjoy your life in peace.
Best,
Zan
My ex owes me money which I want back, nearly $1000 dollars and I have been unable to collect since the pandemic began,I want my money and I am going to reach out for it.
Hi Linda.
I suggest you contact your ex or have someone contact him for you. $1000 is a lot of money, so you should try to peacefully get it back.
Kind regards,
Zan