If your ex asked for a favor and you don’t know whether to help your ex or not, you need to understand that ex-partners’ job is to detach and regain their identities, not do each other favors and stay in each other’s lives.
Favors, romance, and communication are meant for partners who love each other and want to stay together.
They’re not intended for ex-couples who couldn’t make things work and decided to break up. If exes continue to act as if they’re still together, they confuse each other and feel uncomfortable.
They may have known each other for years and broken up amicably, but don’t think they must stay friends and help each other out. Acts of kindness end with the termination of the relationship. They end as soon as the dumper initiates a breakup and shows he or she will no longer invest in the relationship.
Hence, you must get space from your ex and recover emotionally and mentally. Space will rebuild your self-love and prepare you for a new romantic opportunity. An opportunity you can actually gain something from.
Of course, every breakup is different. But if you have nothing that ties you to your ex (no kids or shared assets) and your ex isn’t going through something life-threatening that he or she can ask someone else for help, you probably shouldn’t do your ex any favors.
You should let your ex rely on other people for help while you focus on detachment and healing.
It may sound mean not to help an ex who asked for a favor, but your ex isn’t just anyone. He or she is a person who gave up on the relationship and made you fend for yourself. Your ex gave you no choice but to accept the breakup and move on.
Therefore, the only person you should be doing favors for is yourself. You should be doing that by loving yourself and staying far away from the person who can make you feel emotions you shouldn’t feel. You’ll heal much quicker if you decide to cut all ties with your ex and focus on yourself and those who deserve your attention and favors.
So bear in mind that the time for favors has ended and that it’s now time to do what’s necessary to get over the breakup and make yourself happy. You must invest in your happiness and growth and not worry about how your ex will feel if you don’t do favors for him or her.
If your ex left you, doing your ex favors obviously can’t make you happy. It may give you some hope that your ex may still need you, but hope isn’t something you should actively seek. All hope does is decrease your ability to heal and delays your recovery.
Hope gives you the opposite of what you need to let go and find happiness outside of the relationship with your ex. So as difficult as it may be, consider hope a bad thing and do your best to let go of it.
Right now, you probably feel tempted to do favors for your ex and appear dependable. You’re ready to do anything to look appealing to your ex.
But keep in mind that favors won’t make your ex regret leaving and fall back in love with you. If anything, they’ll make you into your ex’s errand boy – someone who does things without asking and cares more about the dumper’s needs than the needs of his or her own.
And that’s just not attractive. Dumpers don’t respect and value exes who drop everything for them and run to their aid whenever they need something. They take such people for granted because they get what they need from them right away practically for free.
All they have to do is ask nicely.
Dumpers respect people who know their worth and prioritize themselves. Such people are too busy with their lives to put their exes on a pedestal and follow their exes around like puppies.
Of course, dumpers consider a direct “No” to their request disrespectful, but you don’t have to respond like that. You’ll be okay if you turn your ex down gently and explain why you’re not open to post-breakup friendship and favors.
By communicating respectfully, you can appear polite and in control of your emotions and post-breakup life.
So if you want to know what to do if an ex asks for a favor, know that you don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with. You don’t have to make your ex’s life easier or better. Especially not if helping your ex makes you more obsessed with your ex and gives you hope, anxiety, fear, and pain.
The only time you can make an exception is when your ex is dealing with something urgent and has no one else to ask for help. In that case, you can prioritize your ex’s problems and feelings over yours and be a decent human being, not a friend.
In today’s post, we discuss why your ex is asking for a favor and what to do if an ex asks for a favor.
Why is my ex asking me for a favor?
Your ex could have asked someone else for a favor, but your ex chose to ask you. Why is that?
It could be because your ex is familiar with you and used to asking you for favors. He or she doesn’t understand that the end of a partnership means the end of a friendship and that you shouldn’t interact and do favors for each other.
You should do no contact and rely on yourselves and anyone but each other for help.
Your ex doesn’t know how you feel and thinks exes are supposed to chat and support each other from time to time. Due to such beliefs and a lack of understanding of breakups and your feelings, your ex is now reaching out to you and acting like everything’s fine.
He or she is asking for favors and giving you tons of false hope. To you, his or her requests for favors probably seem like opportunities to get some brownie points and show your ex what he or she is missing out on.
Sadly, that’s not what favors do, nor what your ex expects from you. Your ex doesn’t want you to give him or her reasons to regret breaking up with you. Your ex just wants help (friend zone you) and keep moving on.
If you help your ex and get friend-zoned, you’ll prove you’re prepared to be your ex’s go-to person as long as you get to keep your ex in your life. And as you probably already know, this won’t make your ex see you as a better romantic partner.
Favors and communication tend not to. Not unless your ex experiences a lot of difficulties and desperately needs someone to love him or her. That someone could be you, provided your ex improves his or her relationship mentality and perception of you.
But for that to happen, you don’t need to keep your ex close to you. It’s better that you distance yourself from your ex and exude high confidence and self-esteem.
So bear in mind that your ex still considers you someone he or she can benefit from and that your ex doesn’t want to bother other people with his or her problems. Since your ex is closer to you than his or her friends, your ex prefers to ask you for favors.
This will change when your ex falls out of touch with you and disconnects from you.
With that said, here’s why your ex is asking you for a favor.
Perhaps it’s a bit harsh to say that your ex might be using you, but some exes want to get as much as they can out of their ex. They want to continue receiving relationship benefits and give nothing or very little in return.
Call it what you want, but it’s unfair and disrespectful and shouldn’t be tolerated.
What to do if an ex asks for a favor
If your ex wants you to do him or her a favor, you should first see what the favor is about. If it’s about your child or children, you probably want to cooperate because sooner than later, you’ll need a favor back. You’ll need your ex to co-parent while you take care of some important business.
But if your ex needs a random favor, let’s say your ex needs you to drive him or her somewhere, then you probably shouldn’t help your ex. Helping your ex with non-urgent matters is against the rules of no contact.
Your ex should find someone else to drive him or her around and be a good friend. This is especially true if your ex left you because in that case, it would make you feel used and discarded.
On the other hand, if your dumpee ex asks for a favor, make sure to listen to your ex. Your ex could need closure or help with the breakup. If you refuse to help your ex understand what went wrong, your ex could become depressed and blame himself or herself for your behavior.
In that case, you should do your ex a favor and talk to him or her. You shouldn’t even consider it a favor because an explanation is something you owe your ex simply for being in a relationship with him or her.
If you were your ex, you’d expect the same from your ex. You wouldn’t want the person who broke up with you to ignore you or refuse to answer questions related to the breakup.
Yes, it doesn’t feel nice to talk about the breakup when all you want is to distance yourself from it, but if your ex is hurting and can’t help but not ask questions, the least you should do is respond and answer the questions.
This doesn’t mean you should meet up with your ex, hang out with your ex, tell your ex you love him or her, and promise your ex things that aren’t true. But you should help your ex understand why the breakup happened and prevent him or her from engaging in self-blame and falling into depression.
So if you left your ex, feel free to help your ex get closure. Talk to your ex about the breakup while maintaining distance. If you live together or see each other at work, you should probably discuss things in person so that your ex can read your body language and see that you care about him or her as a person.
But when it comes to actual favors like going shopping with your ex, helping your ex look for work, finding a good place to eat, or lending your ex money, you shouldn’t be there for your ex. You should instead let your ex find ways to get by without you.
Moreover, if your ex left you, then you also shouldn’t be doing your ex any favors. You shouldn’t be letting your ex use you and string you along. That would turn you into a friend who gets his or her hopes up and stays attached.
As a dumpee, your only job is to heal and get your happy self back.
Do also keep in mind that exes (dumpees or dumpers) sometimes intentionally ask for favors. They want their ex to invest time and energy into solving problems that don’t need solving. Exes do this to see if their ex still cares about them enough to respond.
By responding, dumpees get validation and hope whereas dumpers get a clear conscience.
So what to do if an ex asks for a favor you aren’t ready to do?
You should let your ex down gently. Explain that it’s too soon to be friends and that you should both spend some time away from each other. You can also add that you want to help but that unless your ex needs help with the breakup, you’d rather not talk.
This will let you heal and move on with your life as soon as possible.
As a dumper, you want to reassure your ex you have nothing against him or her and that you’ll gladly answer any questions he or she may have.
As a dumpee, however, you needn’t be so mindful of your ex’s feelings. You can just say that it’s too soon to be friends and that you’ll let your ex know when or if you’re ready to chat.
Your ex may not like that, but it doesn’t matter. It’s no longer about your ex and what your ex can get from the breakup. It’s about your healing and happiness. If you care about yourself, you simply shouldn’t do your ex any favors that your ex can get from others.
You should stay away from your ex until you’ve healed or seen that your ex wants you back.
What do you think you should do if an ex asks for a favor? What kind of favors would you do for your ex? Let us know in the comments below.
And if you’d like to confide in us about your ex, reach out to us here. Our team at Magnet of Success specializes in breakups and relationships.