You can expect to encounter the hardest day of no contact right after starting no contact. That’s the beginning of the detachment phase and the time when separation anxiety hits the hardest.
Upon going no contact, dumpees stop clinging to the dumper for emotional support and lose all control over the breakup.
They don’t know what their ex is doing and thinking and as a result, wonder if no contact is even working on their ex. Their intention is to give their ex enough time to think things through and come back to them.
But because they don’t know if no contact is even going to affect their ex in the right kind of way, they become worried, extremely curious about their ex, and feel an overwhelming urge to reach out and resume contact. They don’t want to stay away from an ex who validates them and gives purpose to their life.
They want to make sure their ex chooses them, not someone else. Hence why they break many rules of no contact and make the breakup harder for themselves.
Fortunately, not all dumpees reach out. Neither do all dumpees struggle the most right after starting no contact. Many dumpers don’t struggle much at all. They find no contact easier than constant communication with their ex.
Oftentimes, dumpees experience nostalgia, fear, anxiety, and other unpleasant emotions weeks into the breakup. It takes them that long to encounter so-called setback days. Setback days are days when something bad happens to them, disturbs their healing, and forces them to miss their ex and suffer.
Setbacks happen to a majority of dumpers. They’re extremely common, so the hardest day of no contact for them can be any day that crushes their self-esteem and makes them afraid for their safety and future.
The most painful day or days of no contact are when dumpees question their self-worth, lose hope, and experience suicidal thoughts. That’s when they regress emotionally and suffer more than anyone should ever suffer.
So if you went no contact or are thinking about starting it, know that no contact is usually the hardest when you stop interacting with your ex. It can feel like you’re forcing yourself to do something you don’t want and that you’re losing emotional support and a sense of direction.
Initially, you may even doubt no contact or feel tempted to do a limited or temporary no contact for 30 days. Temptations not to stick to no contact can keep your reconciliation hope high and prevent you from letting go of control and relying on yourself.
Therefore, you can have the hardest day of no contact right after going no contact or later when something bad happens and makes you doubt your value as a person. Self-doubt can cause all kinds of difficult thoughts and emotions.
You need to keep it under control.
Things that frequently make dumpees question their self-worth are:
- romantic failures and rebounds
- romantic rejections
- depression
- loneliness
- a lack of friends and hobbies
You may also have a hard time coping with the breakup if you lose too much hope at once. For example, if you see your ex falling in love with someone else and/or marrying that person, you could take things personally and struggle to accept reality.
An unwanted turn of events could send you into a spiral and introduce you to gut-wrenching anxiety and fear.
So expect your no contact journey to have ups and downs. On good days, you won’t get affected by your ex much or at all. You’ll still think about your ex, but it won’t get to you. You’ll keep yourself together.
On bad days, however, you’ll be more sensitive. Something as simple as seeing other couples happy and not knowing where your life is headed could make you blame yourself and trigger powerful cravings for your ex.
No contact is unpredictable. You never know how you’ll feel because your self-esteem fluctuates. It depends on your mood, the things happening around you, and the kind of (dark) thoughts you think.
If you lose your job, for example, you probably won’t be thrilled. You’ll worry about your ex and your financial situation both at once. That will likely put you in survival mode and force you to seek acceptance, love, support, and safety from your ex.
That’s why pain (the hardest day of no contact) is often situational. The biggest the hardship, the more the dumpee thinks about his or her ex and desires closeness.
The dumpee is prone to suffering for as long as the dumpee has feelings for the dumper and relies on the dumper for healing.
This article talks about the hardest day of no contact. We’ll talk about things that make no contact difficult and things you could do to avoid slipping into depression (or get out of it if you’re already in it).
The hardest day of no contact
If the breakup just happened and you went no contact right away, the hardest day of no contact for you will probably be the first day of no contact. You probably won’t have all the answers you need and will feel extremely rejected and confused.
A lack of understanding of where you went wrong and why your ex feels the way he or she does will make your life miserable. Shattered self-esteem will make you take all the blame and force you to experience pain like never before.
No contact will be extremely challenging. Especially if you got ghosted, ignored, belittled, mocked, or blocked without an explanation (closure). It will shock you because the person you thought had respect for you treated you like his or her worst enemy.
Your ex’s behavior is one of the biggest factors in how hard no contact is.
That’s why if you start no contact after your ex has abandoned you and mistreated you, you can expect the hardest day of no contact to be the day you start no contact. You can expect your mind to relive the breakup and your ex’s unhealthy behavior hundreds of times and look for closure.
It won’t rest because you’ll be appalled by your ex’s recklessness and/or his or her intention to harm you.
The good thing is that once you’ve accepted your ex’s ill-treatment, you won’t feel so insignificant and responsible for the breakup. You’ll understand that your ex is responsible for his or her words and behavior and that you can’t take the blame for it.
Your ex did hurtful things of his or her own volition. You were just the person your ex projected stress and problems onto.
Remember that the difficulty of no contact isn’t predetermined. It’s not the same for every dumpee.
How difficult no contact is depends on:
- your ability to cope with stressors
- how you perceive yourself
- the breakup mistakes you make
- the things you hear about your ex
- the things you do to keep busy
- the things your ex does during and after the breakup
- whether you get therapy and/or practice other self-soothing techniques
- how intense the relationship was and how attached you were
- and how long it’s been since the breakup and no contact
It’s no secret that the longer you stay away from your ex, the easier no contact gets. Each day feels a tiny bit better. But typically, the time after the breakup is the hardest because dumpees feel rejected, unworthy, and downright miserable.
They think they’re to blame for the breakup and that they should do something to get back together with their ex.
Dumpees think their journey with their ex isn’t over yet and that someday, they’ll get another chance with their ex. They listen to this feeling in their gut known as hope and refuse to let go of their ex for as long as they can.
They normally let go much later when they detach from their ex and realize their ex isn’t coming back and isn’t worth the trouble. I’m talking about many months later.
So if you’re in no contact and wonder when the hardest day of no contact might come, it could come right after the breakup or when you encounter challenges related or unrelated to the breakup.
Unrelated challenges are problems that occur outside of the breakup such as financial issues and health problems whereas issues related to the breakup are fears of your ex finding someone else, running into your ex, and seeing your ex happy.
You could encounter an emotional setback when something or someone gives you hope or takes too much hope away. That’s when you could obsess over your ex in unhealthy ways and have one of the hardest days of no contact.
Luckily, no contact typically isn’t as hard as the breakup itself. The first few days after the breakup are much harder than no contact itself because the dumpee often experiences difficulty eating, sleeping, and focusing. The dumpee feels tempted to go to the dumper’s house unannounced and beg for another chance.
Nothing feels worse than when the dumpee puts himself or herself in a situation in which his or her ex has total control over his/her happiness and misery. Dangerous, self-degrading behavior destroys the dumpee’s self-worth and hinders his or her recovery.
That’s why you need to make sure your self-esteem is as high as it can be. Your failure to keep it high will likely result in excruciating pain and anxiety. You can avoid that by going no contact with your ex and staying in it.
The purpose of no contact is to encourage detachment and allow you to regain control of your emotions. Although your healing won’t be linear, it’s the best method for dealing with separation anxiety and regaining purpose in life.
You need to trust no contact and understand that it’s only a matter of time before you recover and forget about your ex. It’s not a matter of if but when.
How quickly dumpees recover is different for every dumpee. Dumpees who have been through a breakup usually deal with rejection pain better than dumpees who are going through the first breakup. Experienced dumpees know that the breakup isn’t the end of the world and that they’ll be happy again.
So if your relationship was long-term, expect one week of agonizing pain, 3 months of obsessive thoughts, 2 months of regaining your rationality, and another 4 months of detaching and healing. That’s the simplified version of what to expect and how long it could take to get over your ex.
Read the article on breakup stages for the dumpee for a more detailed explanation of post-breakup grief.
The hardest day of no contact will likely come when you least expect it. It will come randomly when you feel sad, stressed, or overwhelmed or when something unpredictable and unfortunate happens to you.
No matter what happens, don’t worry about setback days. You’ll deal with them when they come. For now, keep in mind that most dumpees have them and that they typically don’t last longer than a few days.
Once you’ve dealt with them, they won’t come back for a while. And when they do come back, they’ll affect you less because you’ll build up resistance to them.
So if you’re wondering what the hardest day of no contact is, know that it depends mainly on why you broke up when you started no contact, and what issues you encounter. The bigger the issues, the more recent the breakup, and the worse your ex’s treatment, the more likely it is that you’ll go through multiple difficult withdrawal periods.
With that said, here are some things that could trigger the hardest day of no contact.
What to do when you’re having the hardest day of no contact?
As a dumpee, you must work extra hard to avoid getting hurt and becoming nostalgic and desperate to reconnect with your ex. You must make sure that your physical, emotional, and mental health is as good as it can be so you can deal with various problems when they arise.
You also don’t want to make breakup mistakes.
You don’t want to be caught off guard and forced to miss your ex just because you didn’t want to unfollow your ex on social media.
Although you can’t prepare for everything in life, you can at least control your actions and ensure that your ex stays out of your sight and mind. You can do that by unfollowing or deleting your ex, changing jobs if you work with your ex, asking your friends to leave your ex out of conversations, and telling your ex not to text you and call you.
Your ex needs to understand your post-breakup wishes and respect your boundaries.
When he or she does, it’s time to work on things that could trigger reminders of your ex and unwanted cravings. It’s time to improve aspects of your life that need work.
If you don’t have a job or you’re not happy with it, change it or go back to school. Don’t just sit and wait for your life to improve. If you remain idle, you’ll detach and heal super slowly and fail to make a relationship work if your ex comes back or if you move on to someone else.
The breakup is your perfect opportunity to grow. That’s because pain constantly reminds you that the relationship has failed and that you need to work on yourself if you want to avoid hurting this much now and in the future.
You need to outgrow yourself as well as your ex. Your ex will have to do the work later.
During the most challenging day of no contact, you’ll likely feel like your ex was the best person you ever dated and that you’ll never find someone as amazing as your ex. Your crushed self-esteem will try to convince you that your ex was the one and only person in this world for you and that you should regret saying or acting the way you did.
Due to a weakened ability to protect yourself, anxiety will try to gain access to your brain and mess up your rational thinking. It will act like a computer virus, which goal is to destroy things from within. Whatever you do, don’t let it do that.
Take control of your emotions and remember that the hardest day of no contact won’t stay hard forever. It will get easier as you stay in no contact and focus on things that make you happy. Just take it one day at a time and be patient.
Are you going through the hardest day of no contact? How do you feel right now? Share your thoughts and feelings below.
And if you want to talk about your no contact experience with us, subscribe to 1-on-1 coaching.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hello Zan!
I have been reading a lot of your insightful posts, and I would like to thank you because they feel super-real.
I am in my 30s and in great pain and distress right now, because I have been struggling with depression for almost a year – a few months after my ex and I move in together. At first he was supportive, in fact he was the one who made me realize I could have a problem. However, I only started to see a therapist in August, when my thoughts began to spiral out of control and I knew I had to do something real. Because of additional couple issues and fights in the meantime, the discomfort, pain and anxiety lead me to the point of asking him for some space, in order to regain clarity and sort myself out. We separated but we kept in touch; he was scared of losing me, so I agreed on phone calls and occasional weekend visits. In this situation, however, I could not be there to support him in his new job and other issues the way he wanted.
I have always stated to him that my mid-term goal was to fix my problems, get back together, start a family. I quit my job in the meantime, out of personal discomfort. However all he heard was “I don’t want you enough”.
Plus, when I agreed to the couple therapy he had wanted for long, he suddenly backed out of it and dismissed the idea.
Last week we got in a fight because I was at the hospital and I needed him by my side. He hung up on me saying that he hasn’t felt loved or cared for for two months now, so now I deserve to be alone. He disappeared and didn’t reply to the message where I told him I love him; he didn’t either pick up the phone when I tried to call him and apologize. I feel so guilty, I don’t know what is that he needs; I wanted to write him letters and show up where he works (he used to complain I never did), but my heart is so broken that I lack the energy. I feel guilty for wanting some space, because now the breakup is all on me. I am starting to question who the dumpee or the dumper is, and what I can do to fix the mess. Has anyone been in a similar situation? (Also, forgive my English, I am not a native)
Hi F.
He’s not depressed and doesn’t understand how it feels to feel like you. For that reason (lack of understanding), he felt neglected and detached and refused to do couples counselling. The guy ran out of energy and wanted to focus on loving himself just like you.
You shouldn’t keep messaging him. You should resolve your own issues and let him come to you. He knows what you want (him), so take care of yourself for now. You can’t hold on to him while you take care of your depression. Get rid of the depression and then you can figure out if he’s what you really want.
Sincerely,
Zan
I’m 3 weeks post breakup and it’s definitely gotten a lot easier since the first week but the feelings come in waves.
During our last conversation when we were breaking up, my ex requested space and that I don’t contact her directly for the time being; we have lots of mutual friends so we don’t want to cut each other out fully or be on bad terms. So I guess we’re technically in no contact but she initiated it. I’m trying to use this time to better myself and heal, including reading these articles. I guess I’m not sure if I should do another no contact initiated by myself if she reaches out again or if I should treat this the same or both. Everything I’ve seen about no contact talks about the dumpee initiating but not the other way around.
Hi Quinn.
The dumper must do the initiating whereas the dumpee must regain his power and value. He can do that by staying in no contact and refusing to be friendzoned.
Stay in no contact and focus on yourself until she regrets breaking up with you. You don’t need to do anything right now.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
After my break up this week I found your blogs and I didn’t stop reading them.
I really like your hands on honest articles.
My ldr boyfriend broke up unexpectedly a few days ago because the distance was getting too hard for him. I told him I didn’t agree and I hoped we could resolve it and continue our relationship, but that I had no choice but to accept. After this last conversation he went silent.
So I decided to let it go and I am at day 3 of no contact.
Your posts really help me to process things and to not seek contact with him.
Yes, I hope he will realize he wants me back but at the other hand, if he can leave so easily and break my heart, then that maybe also says a lot.
I am still very sad and heartbroken, but I hope it will get better soon.
Thank you!
Hi Ann.
Things will get better soon. Until they do, frequently remind yourself that your ex’s relationship mentality wasn’t good enough for the relationship to work. Your ex quit because he wanted a physical relationship. Don’t be surprised if he find someone else quickly.
Stay strong, Ann!
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan. I actually sent my ex a letter and wanted to share. Yes she betrayed me and showed no remorse but I had to make one last ditch effort. Just want your opinion and that of the readers here. Here is the letter I sent which has not yet been read or replied to:
Hi Babe:
I am starting this letter that way because that is how I have referred to you since day one. Please read what I have to say with an open mind and heart. I realize it may be too soon to send this to you but I have to get this out there to you. I’d rather be too soon than too late.
I remember early on in our relationship that I told you that I was giving my heart to you. I asked only that you take care of it. Do you remember that? It was in your room while listening to Van Morrison songs that you were playing for me. I’ll never forget those nights and so many others. From that point on everything I owned and everything that I am belonged not only to me but to you too. You and I were “one” in my eyes and remained that way in my mind. There was nobody else I wanted to share my life with. We shared so many special times and experienced many life happenings and experiences together. We stayed strong as a couple through some difficult personal times as well.
Even with the ups and downs that any long term love experiences, you completed me and filled my heart with love and hope. I envisioned spending the rest of my life with you and wanted that more than anything in the world. You taught me from the outset how to love again. I was yours babe.
I can’t still figure out how it all went so cold so quickly and you vanished from my life. It was like I became a total stranger overnight and even though you told me I would always be your best friend which you always were to me, you completely closed me off from your life. I was basically thrown away. I made a pathetic pest of myself for awhile after that because I just didn’t know how to handle it. I should have just stayed away and let you breathe but I did not want to lose you forever.
My greatest wish is that we could make things right. I want to make many more memories with you and someday start our relationship over fresh. The time apart has changed me a lot and I realize my mistakes. I still want you babe that has not changed. I want you by my side. I want you to come home to me. The next part is important. Really important.
I was keeping a couple of secrets about things I was working on for us and had been working on since shortly after Christmas, exciting things that you did not know about and would have found out about during the summer. I’ll tell you about them face to face. That’s why I was stressing over my financials so much so that these two huge things would happen. It was going to be beautiful and it was going to be perfect. It is a dream for both of us. I couldn’t wait to see your reaction to them. I still hope to. Maybe it still matters and maybe it doesn’t, I wish I knew. It’s not in my control. But I still have hope that these things can happen.
I’d like to talk sometime soon because it has been a long time or preferably meet in person for a drink so we can talk.
I love you so much babe…still. And I miss you just as much. I still say goodnight to you every night and kiss your pillow. I still close my eyes and imagine that you are lying next to me.
I am fully aware you might need some time and probably have some questions. I hope it’s not too late and that we can write a new and better future together. Sometimes the biggest mistake we can make in life is thinking we have time. I know what I want in life. That is you babe.
My Love Always
Hi Tony.
You shouldn’t have sent the letter. It was too soon and too overwhelming. You have to put yourself in her shoes and understand how you’d feel if an ex you lost feelings for did that to you.
She’s not your girlfriend anymore, so you shouldn’t call her “babe” and ask things from her. You must leave her alone and preserve your value as a dumpee.
Best regards,
Zan
Thank you Zan. That was hard to write and I agree I should not have sent it. I was monkey branched after 10 years and 7 years living together. I was going to propose to her in August on our vacation. It’s been nearly two months and I just can’t shake this sick feeling. I supported her even though she made more money than I did. I invested 10 years and put more value on her than on myself. I have started therapy but the appointments are way too spaced out. Trying so hard to overcome this and move on. I just can’t seem to turn that corner. Thank you so much for your reply it means a lot to me.
Hi Tony.
You loved her more than you loved herself. This will take time to recover from and change. I encourage you to keep going to therapy and discovering your self-worth. If you feel you need to talk more about the breakup, confide in your friends and family. They should lend you an ear when needed.
Sincerely,
Zan
The way Ibhave put myself in No Contact it was like brain game to myself!
i was like let’s start it in 3 months no contact and then 6 months because I needed to afer slow but I knew that I will never break it.
So yeah never did thanks to you Zan ♥️
You did, great, Linda!
You should be proud of yourself.
Zan
I needed this. After 11 years together It would have been our 4th wedding anniversary today, 3 months separated. I wouldn’t call it the hardest day of no contact, the beginning weeks after being told “I don’t love you, i love someone else” were and i pleaded for the survival of our marriage. But today is definitely the most depressing. But i managed to not reach out. Ironically enough as i was listening to this article using my screen reader, i passed my soon to be ex wife on the road and she was staring at me like a dear in headlights. Divorce sucks, infidelity its a b!ch, people are cruel.
Hi Fuggetabouther.
I’m sorry you had to go through such a painful separation. People can be very selfish and cruel. Especially when they cave into temptations and cheat/monkey-branch. That’s when they show their true colors. I hope you recover quickly and find someone you deserve!
Best,
Zan
Dear Zan, thank you so much for all your efforts and writing.
I have read all your blog posts and they have helped me stay strong. Often I read an article to help me sleep.
When I received breadcrumbs it was your articles that inspired me to respond in a decent, respectful and short manner.
I still struggle to not stalk their socials though especially Spotify. When I see my ex listening to the same sad songs over and over, it gives me hope that he will reach out and ask to talk. He got the GIGS, does not love himself and is very insecure, so rationally I don’t think I should let him back in my life if he does. I want to give myself an opportunity to find someone who can give me what I need instead. I know I will find it difficult to tell him this when needed. I am still reluctant to let him go completely, as our connection stil feels special to me.
Nevertheless I am happy that I made it to almost three months without reaching out. Started out with 30 days which were indeed by far the hardest. Denial, confusion and anxiety made it difficult for me. It does get better with time.
Thank you so much my friend. Many blessings, I wish you all the best.
Hi Susan.
Thanks for being an avid reader of MoS. I hope the blog has helped you cope.
I don’t know how Spotify works, but if you can unfollow or delete him, do it. You can also unsubscribe, delete your profile, or deactivate it for a while. It will force you to stop checking up on your ex and receiving false hope. If he comes back, you shouldn’t instantly take him back and show him how badly you missed him. You should either reject him or make him prove his commitment to you.
I suppose you’ll figure out what to do when he actually wants you back. For now, stay in NC and continue to rebuild your life. As you can tell, life gets easier the longer you stay away from him.
Kind regards,
Zan
I have felt all of this and more. My ex had been spending less and less time with me and we had been living together for 7 years and dating for 10. The work hours became longer and longer going from 6PM to after 10PM. The last night she was here, May 19, I told her we needed to talk that I thought our relationship was in trouble. Her response was I am leaving tomorrow morning. She did just that and packed all of her things. I haven’t seen her since. I was a total mess and broke every rule of no contact and incessantly tried to contact her and we did text and speak for the first week or so. Then I got ghosted. After being a total wreck texting and calling constantly we finally spoke on the 18th of June. After insisting many times during that conversation there was nobody else she finally admitted that she was “sort of” seeing someone else. I was devastated. It was apparent that I was monkey branched. She did the same thing to her ex husband about 2 years before we met. I am 64 she was 52. I ended the conversation by wishing her love and happiness and then went off the deep end once I hung up. I tried to have one more conversation on June 19th and she was as mean as mean could be. I ended up in the ER that day with a severe panic attack and signed up to see an independent therapist that Monday. I know I am pathetic. Her birthday was the 27th of June and I did text a Happy Birthday and felt empty that day. All I got was a “thank you”. It’s been 40 days and I am somewhat better and have stayed no contact since the 19th save for the happy birthday text. I was betrayed, used as I paid for everything the whole time we were together and she made more money than me but lived for free with me, and I feel so incomplete. She was my everything. My whole life revolved around her. I am doing everything with all the strength I have to stay in no contact but if she were to contact me and want to come back I would probably talk to her and welcome her home with open arms. I am a very young 64 and likely would have no issue meeting someone else and moving on. What is wrong with me?
Hi Tony.
You’re not pathetic. But you did overinvest in your ex and not enough in yourself. That’s why you’re struggling so much now that she’s no longer with you. You probably feel that she’s having an easier life without you and that someone else will benefit because of you.
This woman betrayed you, Tony. She destroyed your self-esteem and showed no remores and care toward you. This shows she’s detrimental to your health and that you must stay far away from her. She won’t make you happy because she’s selfish and inconsiderate of your emotions.
When you pull through this and improve your confidence, you’ll see that she did you a favor and that you’re much happier than you were with her.
Stay strong, Tony!
Zan