7 Rules For A Successful Marriage

When a couple gets married, they shouldn’t think that they made it and that they can now relax and take things easy. Married life doesn’t get any easier just because they said: “I do”. In fact, it often gets harder because, with time, they encounter various challenges they don’t have the experience and skills to resolve.

Some of those challenges include temptations, doubts, identity crises, mental/physical health issues, sexual problems, pent-up anger, and much more. A couple must be committed to each other to deal with any issues that arise.

By understanding each other’s importance, they can accept problems, communicate about them healthily, and support each other through ups and downs.

There’s no backing out of marriage. They got married because they loved each other and were emotionally compatible. But to be compatible in other ways (physically, intellectually, spiritually, and sexually), they need to put the work in. They need to stay on top of things and make sure their relationship has goals and a purpose.

This is especially true for young couples. They can’t stay in a committed relationship forever if they don’t know where they’re heading and what they want from each other. Couples (married or not) need to know, plan, and look forward to the future.

Moving in the same direction not only excites them but also helps them remember they have common goals and things they value.

If they don’t work on goals, relationship problems, bonding, and personal shortcomings, there’s a big chance that something or someone will make them forget the reasons they got married and force them to take each other for granted.

Something or someone will likely confuse them and make them wonder if the path they’re on is as fulfilling as they want it to be.

When that happens, they’ll have only a small window of opportunity to join forces, reaffirm their love for each other, and solve their problems.

Problems are a part of every relationship and marriage. They are unavoidable and often unpredictable because no two people are alike. Even if they were alike, they’d still have problems because people are emotional and moody at times.

They get overwhelmed with stress, anxiety, fear, anger, and other difficult emotions and project them onto their partner.

Factors inside and outside of marriage affect them at times and have unhealthy effects on their relationship if they lose sight of what’s important to them.

Unfortunately, no one teaches us the rules for a successful marriage. Our school systems and caregivers don’t inculcate relationship and marriage rules into our brains. They may raise us with great values, but maintaining a relationship (especially long-term) is something we need to learn on our own.

I’m not saying that parenting isn’t important because it is! But relationships and marriage require much more than amazing parents. They require couples to want to maintain their relationships. It’s this lack of desire to grow individually and with their partner that causes so many couples to break up.

And when they break up, ex-partners like to point fingers and/or say they weren’t compatible or that they grew apart. They never ask themselves why they grew apart and stopped being compatible. Whose fault was it that they stopped investing in each other and prioritized other things or people?

Breakups don’t happen for no reason. They happen because couples don’t value each other enough to stay committed when things get hard. They begin to think they can be happier on their own or with someone else, and by doing so, damage their commitment with doubt and uncertainty.

When doubt appears, temptations to leave, cheat, or ghost may soon ensue.

I should also mention that the reason so many marriages fail is that people don’t choose the right partner. They don’t choose a person who can grow, but someone they outgrow or a person who drags them down to their level. Such couples argue and bicker and fail to raise the standards in their relationship.

Instead of raising them, they keep reacting to problems and allowing themselves to say or do harmful things to the relationship. Something that feels good to them but is catastrophic for the relationship.

In today’s post, we talk about the 7 rules for a successful marriage. Be sure to take them seriously.

1)Never stop working on yourself!

The most important rule for a successful marriage you could learn has nothing to do with your partner. Your partner may have important things to work on, but that’s your partner’s business. Your job in marriage is to frequently identify your shortcomings and work on them.

You can find them yourself through self-analysis or therapy, but you can also discover them by remembering the things you and your better half argued about. After some thinking, you should soon realize that certain problems recur and that your spouse has been wanting you to do something about them.

If you argued because you keep talking to other people, for example, you should avoid taking things personally and put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Ask yourself how your partner feels (not what you think is your right) and show your partner you’re listening and capable of changing.

Many couples don’t change and grow because they don’t take their partner seriously. They don’t respect what their partner says, wants, and complains about, so they ignore him or her and carry on the way they’re used to. Such people are in bad need of a mentor – some authoritative figure who tells them to get their act together and be mindful of their partner’s feelings.

I think everyone should have a mentor, even couples who get along just fine. A mentor can be a teacher, parent, priest, writer, doctor, or anyone who can teach you morals and motivates you to keep a positive attitude. Anyone but a politician or a movie star will probably do.

People must have someone they respect, look up to, and wish to be more like so they can improve in areas of their life they’re underperforming in.

They can, of course, grow without a mentor, but it’s often much easier to seek advice from someone who can guide them and reprimand them for slacking and hurting their partner.

So if you want your marriage to be successful, start by surrounding yourself with successful people who value relationships as much or more than you do. Hanging out with them will make you want to be successful and happy like them.

Don’t envy them, though. Copy their attitude instead so you can develop your own relationship skills.

Once you’ve done that, it’s time to resolve your childhood issues, traumas, and baggage from previous relationships.

Everyone has things to work on, including people who grew up in “perfect families.” There are negative thinking and behavioral patterns they picked up unwantedly and without awareness.

Some people have abandonment issues, low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and trust issues from their ex. They need to resolve such matters before they can have a healthy relationship with another person.

Those who ignore their issues tend to carry them into marriage or break up even before they seal the deal. You need to make sure you love yourself, that you’re capable of giving and receiving love, that you’re not scared to death of breaking up, and that your conscience is clear.

You wouldn’t believe how many couples break up because they haven’t processed the past and forgiven themselves.

Oftentimes, people rush into relationships and marriages expecting to mend their wounds and ignore their problems. Such couples are ticking time bombs as their partner can’t fix their deep-rooted issues.

Their partner can be supportive and encourage them to seek help, but that’s not enough when a problem requires professional help. Anger issues, depression, phobias, OCD, and attitude problems need weeks if not months of hard work.

Couples shouldn’t expect such matters to disappear on their own.

More often than not, they appear to be under control only while the relationship is still new. When couples get to know each other, though, they stop holding back and reveal who they are.

Last but not least are addictions. If you have a gambling, gaming, drinking, drugs, cleaning, or sex addiction, your partner probably won’t tolerate it whether you’re married or not.

Your spouse may eventually learn to live with it, but he or she won’t be happy about it. And because your spouse won’t be happy, the relationship will be at risk of breaking up.

As a married person, you must resolve such things and commit to permanent self-growth.

Do it out of love for yourself and your partner

Now that we’ve discussed some things you and your husband or wife need to take care of on your own, let’s talk about things you need to work on together as a couple.

2)Understand that you’re not single anymore

In relationships and marriage, you need to shift your focus from “What can I do to be happy” to “How can WE be happy.”

It’s no longer just about your life and your feelings. You need to think of yourself and your partner as a whole – a team that needs to be self-aware and willing to evolve.

Just as relationships go through stages (attraction, infatuation, love…) so too do marriages.

Couples mature and need to understand they’re each other’s top priorities. Doing so allows them to move toward new life goals. They progress if one of them is still in party mode, spending most of his or her time with friends at the club.

Marriage means commitment. And commitment requires a certain level of maturity, effort, and proof of reliability.

A person whose focus is on anything but marriage is by definition unreliable. He or she creates doubt and fear instead of trustworthiness and respect.

So bear in mind that your marriage won’t be successful and fulfilling if you treat it like it’s just an addition to your life. Marriage is a life-long commitment. Its success depends on your maturity and ability to prioritize your partner over your friends, parents, and others.

You don’t need to stay home all the time and only focus on your partner (that would cause other problems), but you do need to spend significantly more time with your partner than with people you aren’t married to. You need to understand your partner expects and deserves time, attention, and affection.

You must give these things to him or her so your partner feels loved, important, and prioritized.

Finances are another issue. You need to discuss them with your partner so you agree on a budget and how you spend money. If only one of your works, you need to consider the working person’s money to be the other person’s money as well.

If you’re both working and you’re not happy with what you spend money on, I encourage you to open a joint account in which you deposit a certain percentage of your earnings each month. The money you deposit can be spent on food, bills, restaurants, and things you need for the house whereas the money in your personal accounts is yours to keep or spend on anything you want.

That will allow you to buy the things you want and make you responsible partners.

As a married person, your partner’s health, wealth, and well-being are just as important as yours. Don’t treat them like they’re entirely your partner’s concerns. It should concern you even more so you can empathize with your partner and provide emotional support.

Oftentimes, couples argue because someone doesn’t feel cared for. He or (usually) she (sorry ladies) doesn’t feel that you have her best interests at heart and that other things interest you more than her. That can cause irritation and misunderstandings and in some cases, even resentment.

This takes us to our next topic.

3)Learn to let go and forgive

Couples often break up and divorce because they don’t deal with harmful emotions very well. They don’t disassociate unhealthy experiences, thoughts, and emotions from each other, so they become bitter and spiteful.

This makes them forget each other’s good traits and forces them to focus on the bad. When they focus on the bad ones, they enjoy it because it makes them feel victimized and gives them power.

Such couples stop valuing each other and maintaining their relationship. They basically think that divorce is their only solution and that they should initiate it before they lose their mind.

If you don’t want that to happen to your marriage, you need to avoid bottling up emotions. Instead of suppressing them, you need to let them out of your system. Don’t do that by exploding at your partner and making your partner miserable as a result.

That will probably make things worse because your partner will get hurt and offended and become defensive.

You must learn to handle anger maturely by expressing how you feel and receiving sympathy in return. Most angry people look for understanding and sympathy. Once they receive it, they cool off almost instantly and may even feel bad for wanting to cause a scene.

So if you love your partner and want the best for yourself and your relationship, find healthy ways to handle unwanted emotions. Find or develop anger, stress, and anxiety coping techniques and abilities. When you do, you’ll deal with problems better and give yourself and your partner fewer reasons to resent each other.

Emotional maturity is one of the most important qualities in a relationship because someone who can handle his own or her own mind can make a relationship peaceful and stable.

People don’t want to be yelled at, criticized, humiliated, and called names. They don’t appreciate angry people because anger brings out the worst in them. Some people feel scared and intimidated whereas others become defensive and angry themselves.

The point is that people react to one another. If your attitude sucks and you take your anger out on your partner, your partner will probably do the same. If your partner doesn’t do the same, he or she will likely feel anxious and ignore the situation or try to placate you.

Either way, that’s not healthy as you could get used to taking your anger out on your partner and not doing anything to change and improve.

So don’t let your anger and frustration turn into resentment. You need to stop that from happening by working on your emotional maturity and gaining control of your emotions.

Emotional self-control will encourage your partner to be more like you and prevent him or her from reacting negatively.

Here are some emotional maturity rules for a successful marriage you should stick to at all costs:

• express your negative emotions maturely
• go for a quick walk if you feel overwhelmed
• practice relaxation techniques such as deep breathing and meditation
• don’t go to bed angry
• tell your partner you feel angry but that you want to resolve things
• avoid saying things like “You make me angry, it’s all your fault, I hate that you…”
• don’t call your partner names
• don’t swear or swear at your partner
• don’t threaten a breakup unless your partner hasn’t changed despite messing up badly multiple times and you actually want to leave
• don’t expect your partner to know how you feel

4)Communicate with respect

Although your partner can probably tell when you feel sad and angry, your spouse can’t read your mind and do what you want him or her to do. To be on the same page and resolve difficulties, you need to communicate respectfully and efficiently.

You need to tell your partner what makes you angry, sad, or something else and express your willpower and ideas for fixing the situation.

It’s okay to disagree and argue. Every healthy couple does that at times. It’s how you talk to each other that determines the happiness and success of your marriage.

If you accuse your partner of things, reject your partner’s suggestions and feelings, refuse to listen and communicate, and make your partner feel unheard, you’ll fail to communicate as a partner. Instead of resolving problems, you’ll add fuel to the fire and create more problems.

Avoid that by remembering that communication is an important part of all relationships.

So if your partner is in a bad mood and says something you don’t like or appreciate, don’t retaliate and punish your partner. Punishing the person you love won’t teach him or her a lesson. Bad treatment from you won’t encourage growth.

It will do the opposite, which means it will lower relationship standards and make it easier for him or her to do the same thing next time.

You must make sure to treat your partner well and communicate efficiently. Do so even when emotions run high because that’s when healthy communication is needed the most.

To communicate well, you need to be:

• openminded
• adaptable
• patient
• tolerant
• honest
• good at listening
• verbally and non-verbally expressive
• concise
• inquisitive
• empathetic
• and consistent

Also, if you do something wrong (something your partner gets angry about), be honest about it. Don’t lie just to avoid confrontation. It’s better to be honest and apologize than to hide it and get caught red-handed. Love demands respect.

If you lie and cheat, you’ll destroy your partner’s respect for you and ruin the relationship from within. The relationship might not fail, but it will be forced to slow down and deal with issues.

5)Don’t be prideful and hog power

Pride and the inability to let go of control have also destroyed many relationships. They have convinced people they mustn’t let their partner control them and do everything their partner wants them to do.

Controlling people are controlling because of their childhood.

They didn’t feel their voice mattered as children, so they try to change that in their adult life. They put themselves in charge of their partner’s actions and forcefully demand respect. By doing so, they validate themselves and feel safe.

Sadly, this makes their partner feel pressured, unhappy, unsafe, and disrespected. It tells him or her that he or she is a pushover who has to fulfill his or her partner’s every request and demand. As a result, doubts and anger soon arise, followed by a strong need to regain power and respect.

Men in particular hate the feeling of being controlled. They consider it manipulation and emasculation.

Furthermore, people, regardless of gender want to think of themselves as equals. They need to feel valued so they can think of their marriage as a worthy investment. If someone is a boss and the other person is a worker in the relationship, it will cause a power struggle and all kinds of arguments.

So lower your ego and pride and let each other be in charge (equal partners). Treat each other equally and your relationship will have a fair chance of success.

In relationships and life in general, you shouldn’t think too highly of yourself. You should relax a bit and strive for equality.

6)Make time for each other and bond

The strongest, most successful couples find ways to bond no matter where they are and how difficult their life is. They work on strengthening their connection because doing so feels good to them. It enables them to feel close and stay close when problems arise.

You need to make sure you and your partner feel that you belong together. A healthy bond will keep your relationship strong and reduce the chance of your relationship breaking. That’s because it will help you appreciate each other and encourage you to stay faithful.

Bonding will help you deal with temptations, mid-life crises, or any issues couples in relationships face.

To bond and feel close, you should:

• go on dates
• travel and do things together
• keep things fresh in the bedroom
• express gratitude
• relive good moments from the past
• look at the things you accomplished together
• and point out your improvements and growth

You’re with your partner because you love this person and want the relationship to work. You must now invest time, emotions, and effort into the relationship to feel connected and loved.

7)Have a life outside of the relationship

As important as bonding is, you also need to let the relationship breathe at times. You need to have hobbies and interests outside of the relationship. It will help you bond better if you spend some time apart. That’s because you’ll feel and look independent and have things to share with your partner.

A romantic relationship needs the right amount of space. I can’t tell you how much time you should spend apart from your partner because I don’t know you guys and don’t have a bond with you. This is something you need to figure out on your own.

It’s important so you and your partner don’t feel overprioritized or neglected.

Listen to what your partner says and feels. If your partner says you don’t spend much time together, make a bit more time for your partner and see if your partner feels closer. And if he or she feels that you’re always together and that it’s hard to self-prioritize, make some new friends and go out of the house more.

You don’t want your partner to be the only one who has hobbies outside of the relationship. If he/she is the only one, you could smother your partner and cause him or her to lose interest.

In essence, you both want to have friends and things you’re interested in besides each other. Find out what interests you and you’ll both contribute to your married life equally or as equally as possible.

To conclude, learning the rules for a successful marriage is the easy part; making them a part of your life is much harder. It will take some time and practice to make permanent changes and improvements. But once they’re a part of you, your married life will be much more fulfilling.

What do you think about the rules for a successful marriage? Do you agree with them and/or have any other tips to share? Let us know in the comments below.

And lastly, if you wish to talk about relationships with us, click here to sign up for coaching.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.