The Dumpee Always Wins No Matter What

First of all, breakups aren’t competitions. It’s not about who finds a better, smarter, prettier, and rich partner first and who has more positive experiences to brag about on social media. I know it’s hard not to compare yourself to your ex-partner (especially if your ex made you feel worthless), but if you do that, you’ll feel that your ex has “won” the breakup.

You’ll think that your ex is having fun and coping better than you and that you’re stuck feeling miserable, alone, depressed, demotivated, and lost. Self-convictions like that will increase your anxiety tenfold and make it harder for you to take your mind off the unfortunate situation you’re in.

The undeniable truth is that breakups suck for dumpees. Dumpees feel abandoned, unworthy of love, and defeated, so they take the breakup personally and let it affect their self-confidence, happiness, and ability to focus on anything other than the breakup.

Of course, they don’t intentionally let the breakup distract them and mess them up emotionally. It just happens on its own due to shock, fear, uncertainty, broken promises, and unmanifested relationship expectations. Dumpees go into denial after the breakup whereas dumpers feel relieved and elated and indirectly make dumpees blame themselves.

They trigger their worst fears and destroy their self-esteem.

Understanding that dumpers typically feel free and happy after the breakup is crucial. It’s also just as important to know that their elation has nothing to do with who you are and how you behaved throughout the relationship. It’s got almost everything to do with how they perceived you toward the end of the relationship and how long they put up with unhealthy thoughts and feelings.

If they delay the breakup for months, they usually feel emotionally drained, suffocated, and victimized and want to run to the hills as quickly as possible. They may feel such a strong desire for freedom that they find new people to hang out with and then express their newfound happiness and relief on social media platforms.

That’s how they share their elation with the world and convince themselves that they’re happier. For such braggy dumpees, it’s all about here and now. They don’t think about their behaviors and how they affect their ex. They don’t worry about the past either.

What they said or did during the breakup or right after doesn’t matter to them because they’re finally happy and free to do what they want, with whomever they want.

They feel excited about their new adventures and feel smothered by their ex. That’s why they refuse to acknowledge their ex’s good points. They would rather think negatively of their ex as doing so empowers them and tells them that their behavior can be justified.

So if you’re suffering from separation anxiety and trying to stay composed, the last thing you should do is expect yourself to be as happy as your ex. Not only is comparing yourself to someone who feels relieved due to the breakup ridiculous, but it’s also counterproductive.

You’re starting on completely different ends of the breakup, which is why it’s impossible to be as happy or happier than your dumper ex. You can try to fake it, but ultimately, you’ll fail because you won’t be able to keep pretending forever.

Eventually, you’ll get hit with a wave of nostalgia and overwhelming anxiety and feel tempted to rationalize with your ex and make various breakup mistakes.

So if your ex is super happy after the breakup and it’s hurting you, why even try to compete? Why get angry with your ex for being happy and for doing dumper-like things such as drinking and partying, going out a lot, dating, and appearing unaffected by the breakup?

You’ll feel way better if you understand and accept that for a few months after the breakup, your mind won’t let you be happy. It will force you to think about your ex 24/7 and make you fight your inner demons. Inner demons include lowered self-esteem, killer anxiety, depression, self-doubt, insecurities, uncertainties, fears (of the unknown), and much more.

Initially, a good day for you will be a day when you can manage to do your daily tasks.

It will probably take you 3 or 4 months to regain some of the power your ex has taken from you and see that you no longer depend on your ex for recognition and self-love.

That’s when you’ll enter a short period of relief and realize that your ex isn’t as perfect as you made him or her out to be. This realization will allow you to abandon the losing mentality and adopt a winning one. A mentality that you matter and that you have plenty of good things to offer to romantic relationships.

So while you’re still healing, remember that comparing your happiness, purpose, and success to your ex at any time (especially right after the breakup) is pointless. You’re currently going through different emotional stages of a breakup, so expecting your ex to cry and worry about the breakup is a waste of energy.

Your ex feels empowered and is incapable of suffering like you. Your ex would have to be depressed or have some kind of unresolved issue to feel the kind of pain you do.

My advice is to focus on yourself. Time is your friend, and you need to use it wisely to make some healthy personal changes and improvements. While you’re doing that, you also need to wait for your ex to get through the breakup stages.

When he or she does, your ex will probably fail in some big way and feel the way you do.

Today, we’ll talk about why the dumpee always wins in the long run.

Why the dumpee always wins?

The dumpee always wins because whether the dumper comes back or not, the dumpee heals and becomes okay with the breakup. The dumpee gets over the dumper and doesn’t need the dumper to validate him or her anymore.

Detachment does great things for the dumpee as it helps the dumpee see that his or her life doesn’t revolve around the dumper. It revolves around friends, hobbies, work, ambitions, interests, and people who add value to the dumpee’s life.

When the dumpee detaches, the dumpee for lack of better words “wins.” He or she overcomes breakup pain, regains emotional strength and purpose, gets closer to other people, and devalues the dumper. Seeing the dumper’s true colors motivates the dumpee to stay away from the dumper and focus on things that actually matter.

The dumpee wins in other ways as well. Due to overwhelming anxiety and a desire to self-improve, the average dumpee also learns more about human behavior, improves relationship skills, develops self-awareness, self-control, and patience (EQ), discovers the importance of life and life’s purpose, and understands that people come and go.

The fairytale-like belief that their ex is the only person compatible with them dissipates and is replaced with healthier understandings of romantic relationships.

Unlike the dumpee who is motivated by failure, pain, and a desire to be with the dumper, the dumper doesn’t regret much other than not leaving sooner. The dumper is tired of trying to be in a relationship with the dumpee and as a result, doesn’t feel the need to dwell on the past and change things.

He or she just wants to forget the unpleasant experience with the ex and focus on all kinds of fun and distracting activities.

By focusing on things that make the dumper happy, the dumper seeks to make use of the relief and elation phase created by the breakup. The dumper tends not to reflect or reflect much until he or she hits the nostalgia stage (months after the breakup).

But even then, the dumper needs to be emotionally mature enough (empathetic) to put himself or herself in the dumpee’s shoes and realize that they both contributed to the breakup.

Sadly, most dumpers waste their precious pot-breakup times partying, drinking, meeting new people, dating, and doing all kinds of unproductive things.

Such things automatically make them losers. Especially when you compare them to dumpees who analyze the breakup obsessively, blame themselves 24/7, read breakup material and books, and try to become the best versions of themselves.

If the dumpee is committed to learning and growing, the dumpee leaves the dumper in the dust in just a few weeks’ time. The lessons the dumpee learns due to separation anxiety and pain stick with the dumpee for life. Lessons get engraved so deeply into the dumpee’s mind that many dumpees often memorize them word by word and incorporate them into their lives.

Although there are no winners in breakups, dumpees win in terms of self-discovery and growth. They improve their lackings and direct their attention to more meaningful things and people.

Dumpers, on the other hand, tend to blame their ex for the demise of the relationship from the start, and by doing so, make very few if any positive changes. They normally just find other ways to distract themselves and live to fulfill their urges, whatever they may be.

With that said, here’s why the dumpee always wins after the breakup.

The dumpee always wins because his or her victory is inevitable. It’s only a matter of time before the dumpee recovers, learns from his or her mistakes, and grows to the point where the lost relationship doesn’t mean the world to him or her anymore.

But for the dumpee to heal that much, the dumpee must leave the dumper alone and adhere to no contact. The rules of no contact allow the dumpee to emotionally and physically distance himself or herself from the dumper and encourage the dumpee to forget about the dumper.

In no contact, the dumpee also develops self-discipline and decreases his or her attachment to the dumper.

How long does it take for the dumpee to “win”?

The dumpee wins not when he or she reconciles with the dumper but when the dumpee breaks the attachment to the dumper and feels calm and secure. That’s when the dumpee no longer relies on the dumper emotionally and regains control of the emotional aspect of his or her life.

Some dumpees need weeks to heal whereas others need years. Most dumpees, however, need about a year or just a bit under. That’s how long it takes them to process the breakup and feel that the skills and abilities they’ve obtained can be put to good use.

As we mentioned earlier, dumpees usually work on themselves and address some of their biggest issues. They tend to find out how successful their self-improvement journey has been once they experience similar stressful and difficult-to-handle situations.

Simply put, if they did a lot of thinking and rewiring of the brain, they respond better to unwanted situations.

So bear in mind that post-breakup victory is subjective and depends on the dumpee’s ability to process the breakup (coping mechanisms), how the dumpee perceives breakup success, and the things that happen to the dumpee.

If the dumpee detaches and falls in love with someone new, that to me (and most dumpees) is a win. It signifies that the dumpee no longer craves the dumper and that he or she is looking forward to new beginnings. New beginnings enable them to keep their minds off their ex and motivate them to stay independent.

Most dumpees think they win only if they’re happy and their ex is miserable. But fortunately, this isn’t true. What dumpers do and how they feel is completely irrelevant. All that matters is that dumpees find inner peace and that they learn what they can and need from the breakup.

If they can do that, they are automatically the winners because they manifest happiness and success.

Dumpees who don’t win, however, usually waste their post-breakup time the way dumpers do. They either look for new partners to date or find their ex responsible for their emotions and take revenge on their ex.

Such dumpees ignore the need to self-reflect and control their urges as they think that punishing their ex is more important than self-improvement.

I don’t think that calling them losers is appropriate, but they sure don’t utilize the breakup and make sure not to repeat the same mistakes or get involved with the same kind of people.

So don’t brag, find someone new to ease your pain, take revenge, obsess with your ex, drink excessively, and do nothing productive with your life. You need to actively work on yourself in order to have something to show for.

You can do that by:

• reading self-help books
• identifying your shortcomings and working on them
• expanding your social circle
• improving your finances
• boosting your mental health
• becoming comfortable with who you are
• accepting you can’t change people’s thoughts and feelings, especially your ex’s
• retaining your value as a dumpee by staying in no contact

To conclude, dumpees always win as time is the best healer (time and distance help dumpees detach). But to feel that they’ve won months after the breakup, they need to remember that breakups aren’t competitions and that they need to reflect and work on themselves.

By doing so, they can create self-fulfilling life full of happiness, prosperity, and long-term success.

Do you agree that the dumpee always wins in the end? What do you think makes the dumpee a winner? Share your thoughts below.

And if you’re not yet sure how you can get the most out of the breakup and want to talk to us about how to improve, sign up for coaching with us.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.