Here are the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumpee. They are truly the worst thing human beings have to experience.
Please note that everyone might not go through these 5 stages of a breakup in the same order. Sometimes a dumpee will experience stage 3 before stage 2 and shift between the two stages multiple times before progressing to the next stage.
This is completely normal because healing isn’t linear. It jumps back and forth, depending on the things the dumpee does and feels and the mistakes he or she makes after the breakup.
With that said, let’s now dive into the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumpee.
1)Denial
This denial stage of a breakup comes as a shock to dumpees because dumpees refuse to accept reality. They think their ex will change his or her mind and that their relationship can survive anything – even breakups and infidelities.
This stage can last anywhere from one day to a week. It depends mainly on the dumpee’s breakup plan, hope (or false hope), and self-esteem.
In the denial stage of a breakup, dumpees often tell themselves, “She didn’t mean it, she’ll be back, she’s just having a bad day.” They’re so deep in denial that they try to protect themselves from the truth (which is the harsh reality) and keep hoping that their ex will come back.
Because dumpees conclude that the breakup is indeed happening, emotions soon take over. And that’s when they sometimes start begging and pleading, promising to change, stalking their ex, and reasoning with their ex.
Dumpees use logic to attempt to win their ex back even though dumpers are highly emotional and aren’t capable of seeing things the way dumpees do. They’ve already made up their mind and want to go through with the breakup no matter what.
Dumpees are tired of staying committed to someone they associated negative thoughts and feelings with.
The harder dumpees try to reconcile in this stage, the more frustrated dumpers become, and the less they want to be with their dumpees.
So if you just got dumped and you’re in immense pain, this is the time to tell your ex that you accept the break-up and wish your ex well. You should also consider removing reminders of your ex from your phone and house by storing them in a box and moving them out of reach.
Most dumpees wait at least a few weeks before they delete their ex’s pictures and unfollow their ex. Try to do this a bit sooner so you can stop obsessing about the things that remind you of your ex. Remember that your goal is to focus on yourself and forget about your ex as soon as possible.
2)Depression
One of the worst stages of a breakup for the dumpee is the depression stage.
This stage can last from the moment dumpees accept the breakup up until several months later. Its duration varies for each person because it depends on how invested the dumpee was in the relationship.
Some symptoms of depression include a lack of sleep/energy/motivation, loss of appetite, negative thoughts, overthinking, self-blaming, reimagining the breakup, dreaming about the dumper, visualizing being happy with the dumper, and seeing signs from the universe about the dumper coming back.
Separation anxiety can make the dumpee imagine and do all sorts of things. It can make the dumpee act on fears and force the dumpee to end up angering and repulsing the dumper. Desperation after the breakup normally causes the dumpee even more anxiety and makes him or her more dependent on the dumper for self-love and self-acceptance.
Because the dumpee is going through the worst pain of his or her life, the dumpee then mistakes pain for regret and puts the dumper on a pedestal. This is how the dumpee becomes obsessed with the dumper and hopes to hear from him or her soon.
It’s extremely difficult to focus on yourself and forget about your ex in this stage because every fiber in your body tells you to focus on your ex and get your ex back. But despite your heart aching for your ex, you need to be strong and try to do things that make you happy.
You need to spend time with friends and family and do what you would if you had never met your ex.
Now that you’re depressed, it’s also time to reflect on the relationship and identify the relationship killers that destroyed your relationship. Waste no time. Start improving your shortcomings, getting out of your comfort zone, and striving to become the best version of yourself.
If your ex never comes back, someone else will appreciate the new and improved you. Someone who actually deserves you.
3)Anger
Anger occurs a few weeks into the breakup. It happens when the dumpee recovers from the shock of the breakup and becomes ready to stand up for himself or herself. That’s when the dumpee may or may not reach out to the dumper and take his/her anger out on the dumper.
The dumpee could do things that hurt the dumper because doing so would validate the dumpee. It’d tell the dumpee that he or she can affect the dumper’s thoughts, emotions, and actions and that he or she is more powerful and important than the dumper thinks.
Of course, not all dumpees go ballistic after the breakup and take revenge. Most dumpees just feel that their ex did them dirty and that they didn’t deserve to be abandoned and/or treated poorly.
Needless to say, anger is a part of the detachment process and helps the dumpee regain his or her composure and get out of the depression.
To deal with it, I suggest that you implement different relaxation techniques to reduce stress and anger. It will help you avoid doing something that destroys what’s left of the relationship.
No matter how angry you feel, don’t become vengeful and make the dumper regret meeting you. It might make you feel better at first, but you’ll most definitely regret your actions later down the road.
Remember that karma will get your ex on its own when the time is right. You don’t need to do anything to punish your ex.
4)Acceptance
A few months after the breakup, the dumpee will recover at last and notice the negative parts of the relationship.
The dumpee will see the dumper for the person he or she is because the dumpee will finally take off his or her rose-tinted glasses and might even be glad that the relationship has come to an end.
Because of detachment, the dumpee essentially discerns that he or she deserves to be happy and that waiting for the dumper to come back is a waste of energy and time. This is because he or she comes to terms with the end of the relationship and becomes ready to date other people.
When the dumpee reaches acceptance, the dumpee no longer needs the dumper to be happy. He or she can just focus on himself or herself and leave the past behind.
That’s what detachment does for the dumpee. It enables the dumpee to detach from the dumper and fall back in love with himself/herself.
Detachment feels amazing. It’s often extremely empowering as the dumpee no longer has obsessive thoughts and separation anxiety. He or she is finally emotionally free and ready to move on.
5)Recovery
In the recovery stage of a breakup, dumpees become completely independent. They no longer have feelings for their ex and can just go on with their lives peacefully.
Time away from their ex allows them to heal and find happiness within themselves again. Life also becomes fun and exciting again because they see the light at the end of the tunnel. This is normally the time when dumpers notice dumpees’ happiness and reach out to find out how they’re doing.
Sometimes dumpers contact their exes to see what they’re up to, and other times, they reach out to boost their egos and relieve their guilt. As a dumpee, you need to figure out what dumpers want so you don’t let them trigger your anxiety and crave them again.
You can do that by asking them direct questions and avoiding unnecessary conversations.
To conclude, here’s what getting over the breakup time frame looks like for the dumpee.
If you enjoyed this article, feel free to also check out the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper. It might help you to know what your ex is thinking and feeling.
Are you going through these 5 stages of a breakup for the dumpee yourself? Is there anything we left out? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
And if you want to talk to us about the breakup stages, go to our coaching page to sign up for coaching.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
At the moment I am in the anger , acceptance and moving on stages simultaneously. I am angry at the way I have been treated, spoken to and the way I am feeling used and discarded like a price of trash. He speaks to me like dirt and yet he was the one who split us up and says I did nothing wrong. I know he is angry because it did not work out and hr blames me for that but it’s not ever one person’s fault and it’s unfair for the dumper to lay qllbthat blame as well as the feelings of abandonment at the door of the dumpee. It’s like pouring salt in the wound. Horrible.
I accept that it is over and I am doing work on myself to move on. I would just like to move through the phases independent of each one as I think it would be easier to deal with mentally, but it seems the last 3 stages are intertwined with me. It’s very difficult but I’m learning to accept the way I feel and know I will be free of these feelings, just at the point that my ex decides to reappear but by then I will be a much higher value person than I already was and I will jot entertain their contact at that point.
As you have said, the dumpee usually does work and the dumper does not. I will have no wish to return to someone who has done no work on themselves. Thank you for this blog, it has been a huge comfort to me and I have learned a lot from thoroughly reading it.
Hi Feminine soul.
It takes time to get through all the stages in this article, but do the things you love and you’ll soon realize that your ex isn’t worth your time and that self-love is all you need right now.
If your ex treated you badly, you also shouldn’t get back with him if he returns. You should keep in mind that he won’t be any different as a person and that he could take you for granted again.
Sincerely,
Zan
I am going through this exact same thing right now, with my ex dumping me for several reasons that he’s never communicated to me before. I am also just trying to focus on improving myself for now with NC, but still struggling to accept the breakup. Every time I get a notification, I instinctively hope it’s a message from him but it never is.
Your post was from over a year ago so I hope you’re doing a lot better now! Please let me know if you have any nuggets of wisdom that could be useful for someone going through the same rough patch.
Your story really made something click within me. It gave me hope that I can someday reach a sense of normalcy without them. Thanks!
I was in a LDR for almost 4 years when I got dumped. There were doubts and insecurities for a while already, so I can’t say I did not see it coming at all. Still it was quite a shock to me as I thought we made improvements in our relationship.
At the time my ex told me he didn’t want to continue, I was ready to accept it. I was sad of course, but also saw the flaws in the relationship and was ready to start the moving on journey. However, since we were both not 100% certain a breakup is what we wanted, we decided to have 1 month of no contact and then have an ‘evaluation conversation’. Just to check if we still want to go through with it or if the feelings have changed. BIG MISTAKE.
During that month of no contact I found peace again. I was certain I would be fine no matter the outcome: if we wanted to pursue the relationship I knew what to work on, if we would just be friends I would be fine eventually as well, and if we had no contact at all anymore I would also be fine because I found stability within myself. But then we got into contact again. He was not sure yet what he wanted, only that he still had feelings for me. He just wasn’t sure if he could influence his situation the way he wanted so that we could reconcile. And thus we had contact for about 2 months where we were more than “just friends”, but less than a couple. This period was, apart from the occasional anxiety, pretty great. It showed me what the relationship was like before it got all the flaws, before all the negative things. But then he decided that he did not want any contact anymore after all, and this time it hurt me twice as much as the first time.
You see, the first time I had a clear view of our relationship. I was tired of all the negative things, and was ready to move on. But then I experienced 2 amazing months, and that got me sad and conflicted. Now when I think back all I think about is the amazing things, even though I know the relationship was far from perfect. It’s like I conveniently forgot the reasons why I was ready to move on in the first place, and only see the things I’m losing now. It’s now been 2 months since we have no contact at all anymore and I still think about him almost every day. Some days are worse than others, but I do also see slow progression. It is very difficult to deal with, also considering I’ve been dealing with depression before all this as well. Reading about these stages and the hope of better things in the future are what keep me going at the moment. So thanks a lot for this article!
Thanks Zan!
This is spot on, exactly where I am now. Except I get over the hill and think I’ve reached acceptance but only manage to stay there for a couple of days and end up going backwards into depression and anger. The reason is we work for the same small company and live near each other. See each other every day. I’m trying to plan a move to get me out of the job and location because every single day is like ripping a plaster off a gaping wound.
Hi Lilly. It will get easier. I broke up with the man I dedicated 14 years to. He broke my heart last June when out of nowhere I received a text message with from a random number. Someone had sent me a photograph of him with another woman from him past that I knew nothing about. This person wanted to expose him and they did. The message was sent as a group message so the other woman was also seeing a photograph of me with him. When I confronted him he had no choice but to admit it. I was in shock and devastated. It took a few days to sink in and the rollercoaster of emotions started to kick in. He had been lying to me for the past two years or even longer. I came to that conclusion after looking through old phone records only to see the constant calls and messages he had going with this other person now that I knew her phone number. I never replied to the messages because I did not want to stoop to that level and not after seeing this truth I was blissfully unaware of. Phone records only go so far but I can almost guarantee if there were older records for me to see, I would find how much longer he had lied to me year after year.
The worst part of all is that he had always had insecurities and often questioned me if I stayed at work a little too long or traveled with coworkers for one thing or another. I had to be cautious of the relationships I had with friends and coworkers to ease his insecurities and in the end I was the one being played. He truly manipulated me. When I finally had the blindfold off my eyes I was also in pain. I couldn’t see us ending it like this and even thought of staying trying to work it out because of all the time invested to this relationship but I also wanted him to set things right. He failed me once again at this time. I wasn’t not able to move out right away and it even argued over that he should be the one to leave but he refused. He showed me a whole side of him I never knew and it was the worst time of my life. I finally found a place in October and moved out that same month with the help of my brothers. It was the best decision I had made. I left feeling broken an still very hurt. I was feeling like that the next two months.
Then this year came along and I started to feel a new sense of normal. I still get those feelings (short setbacks) but I pull myself back up again. It hasn’t been easy and I won’t deny that I cried almost every night before going to bed for months. I even started to doubt my ability to snap out of this depressive state. Now looking back, I understand that I had to feel all of that so that I could get it out and see things for what they were. The person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with deceived me and no matter what excuse he may use for why things happened the way they did, the truth is that I was in it for life and he gave up on us the day he started another relationship with this other woman. It doesn’t matter how it started or why it started, only that he made a choice for himself only. That was the painful truth I finally realized and also that I deserved better than to be lied to like this. We all deserve better and if the person you are with is not giving in and much as you put in, they don’t deserve you. The feelings will fade and you’ll smile and find joy in simple things again. Don’t let anyone that doesn’t value what you bring to their life tarnish yours by letting them stay in yours.
Hello. This article told me about the mistakes I had made with my ex (we dated for 2.5 years, but had several breakup’s in that time) post breakups. I begged him to come back to me, most of the time it worked. The reason why he kept breaking up with me many times was because of his mother influencing him into breaking up with me…. And then about four days after he would ask me to get back with him. But then when I got back with him it didn’t last very long, he would promise things to me that he would never leave me, treat me properly (he thought very “high” himself most of the time) and wouldn’t listen to his mother at all. But he didn’t do what he promised because then his mom got involved and said it to my face that she didn’t like me and wanted me to end everything with him. His mother influenced everything that he did, and he was a grown man too. I should of just left him, but I cared about him because we had an extremely strong bond…… but sadly the cloud that was his mum got to him. He then gaslighted me, lied to me and wasn’t acting like himself anymore, nearly identical to what his mum acted like. He wasn’t who he was anymore…….. and then he dumped me officially. It was so heartbreaking because we had such a strong connection and we hardly had bad argument’s too.
I’m still dealing with it to this day…… the man I thought I knew had gone, and now he’s imprisoned by his own mother……
Hi good afternoon, I’d like to share my story as well, I’ve found plenty of shared stories very helpful as they give me hope that I will get better and that I can too be happy once more.
So everything started In March when she dumped me, she said she didn’t love me anymore and that she only wanted to stay friends with benefits.
Then in april during the lockdown I became homeless and I was living with and her parents after we split up, so we were hooking up going out etc…
I still had a job during those hard times (thank you God for that) but I didn’t have no home and I was living 3 hours away from my job, so when I get called in to work full time, I was so stressed because I was going to be living in my car, since I was applying for buying a house and I didn’t want to have any hard enquiries in my credit because it could disqualify me from owning my 1st home. So I was living in my car for months, showering and washing my clothes at work without anyone noticing.
So she calls me during stressful times for myself she said that If I didn’t put any effort in the relationship then that would be it, when she wasn’t even trying either or understanding my situation, I told her to give me time because I was in the process in buying a house and I’ve been feeling super stressed, she didn’t care and she said we were done so she dumped me a second time.
I was so sad and lonely I tried talking to her and she wouldn’t answer back to me or anything. So once I buy the house then she is talking to me again, we are hooking up again and stuff, going out to eat. But then she dumps me again and tells me that she doesn’t want to be with me or have a family with me. So she ignores me again for a week, and at the time there was this girl that was talking to me and she was really nice, she was buying me food and taking me out which felt amazing considering how awful she treated me.
So I go back to see her so I could explain in person that I am dating someone else, since she said we could only remain as friends, so I thought it was okay for me to date someone else, she gets super upset about it and goes crazy.
Then she tells me she loves this other guy whom shes been talking for 2 years and that she wants a relationship with him. Which it breaks my heart again, and it feels like I had a whole in my chest.
I cried myself to sleep for nights in a row so I tell this other girl I was dating that I couldn’t see her anymore because I still loved my ex.
Now for the record I am still married and we have been separated since March, we’ve been together for 7 years and married 5
So anyways, I get dumped again…. and so I start reading about the no contact and stuff, so I apply it then 4 days later with no contact she calls me and sounds very sad telling me that she still loved me I asked her she would like to try and get together again, that we are meant for each other, but she says no, because she likes someone else but she wants to be friends, so that just breaks me again.
Then again I stop talking to her for another 3 days then she texted me saying that she might think she is pregnant from me, so I get so excited and happy when I read this then 4 hours later she says it was a false alarm, I get super disappointed and sad about it of course. Then she just laughs about it like it was a joke to me.
I bought her a 1.05 diamond carat ring that she will be receiving in 4 weeks, i will keep you guys updated.
Thanks for taking your time in reading this, any comments or feedback is greatly appreciated it. Thanks!
Hello Josue
Your story is heartbreaking to hear, but as an outsider looking in this woman is playing with your heart strings. Knowing that you’re always around,ready to respond when she reaches out, that has to change. Time and space and no contact with her for at least 30 days.. Or limit it to smart contact which means contact for only crucial things like shared bills expenses etc This is tough as hell BUT effective in giving you time and space to get perspective. You must love yourself first and prioritize doing things for you. If you can I would recommend reaching out to a therapist for support many will charge on sliding feelings scale. I’ve been married for 12,years and separated for a year and am in the middle of a pretty nasty divorce. My husband was keeping me in his back pocket until something else came along. Which it did. Once I started doing things for myself, seeing a therapist and refusing his calls and texts i started to get myself back and remembering there is more to me than this relationship. And ithas allowed me to look at myself and the role I played. I know tour heart is hurting but every time you have contact with her it sets you back and makes you feel shitty all over again. There are billions of people on this planet and someone else out there for you who will value, love and respect you. You deserve better than this and how she is treating you. Her behavior is just not okay, but you have to believe this and advocate for yourself and set boundaries. Again, trust me its not easy at first but it gets better. It really really does. Who knows if your wife sees that u will not allow this treatment anymore and wants to work on herself and the commitment you have and be honest then maybe you can hear her out. Personally I would need to see and feel actions and not just the words to move forward over a long period of time.
If you’re always,around she isn’t forced to do anything different. I’m not saying she’ll come back or that you should even want her back but what you’re currently doing hasn’t been working and making you feel worse. I’m not judging because trust me I’ve been there. Just take it hour by hour, you can do this. Have faith in yourself, love yourself and give yourself some time and space and take care of you. Again, there are so many people in the world who will treat you better than this. I know its hard to see at this time but it is the truth. Spend time with friends, take up a new hobby, exercise. Find things that make you happy and surround yourself with people who love and care about you. I don’t believe there is only one person in the world for everyone. Hang in there, you will get through this just believe in yourself everyday and get some support. No one deserves this kind of treatment.
Better days are ahead. You deserve to be with someone who cherishes and respects you everyday, not just when it suits them.
Sincerely Leah
My ex broke up with me just a few days ago. We had a huge fight back in April because he would always take forever to get to my house. This was a big deal for me because I would only see him 2 times a week and he’d get tired fairly early so when he’d come over he’d stay up for a bit but then fall asleep on my couch while I watch TV alone. He wanted to break up with me then to just focus on himself but I told him I promise I’d change and be more understanding. He agreed and he hoped that our relationship would grow stronger from this. I thought it did, but apparently he didn’t. He’d be unsure about us these past 3 months and wasn’t sure if I was “the one.” We got into a fight because he declined my call and because he was up at 3am with his brother in law and I was jealous because he’s never up that late with me. That’s when he confessed to everything and was tired of being in a relationship. Another issue was that he wanted to travel with his friends and take me along with him but I had told him I just wanted to go alone with him because I didn’t know his friends very well and I’d feel uncomfortable being the only girl there. He’d tell me that he didn’t want me being in the way of traveling with his friends. I told him one last time that I’d do anything to keep this relationship going. That I finally met his friends just last month and I trusted them and he can go wherever he wanted with them. But he told me my anxiety was also too much to keep up with and he couldn’t keep up with me anymore. After he said that, I knew I deserved someone better because my anxiety is something I can’t control. I’m going to start therapy for myself, not for him. Now, I’m just angry at him because he was just sending me mixed messages these past 3 months by mentioning things like owning a loft one day and saying yes to me when I asked him if he saw me in his future. That was a bunch of BS and I deserve someone who is sure about me.
Hang in there. Getting dumped during a quarantine kind of feels like your ex is saying “I wouldn’t be with you if the world was covered with piss and you lived in a tree.” It will get better, you will get through this, and you will be stronger than ever. I got dumped 2 months ago- we had a dog together, we were talking about getting married. Maybe it got too real for her, I scared her somehow, and the woman I loved morphed into someone who didn’t like me, and eventually she just kicked me to the curb. Watch the movie “Swingers.”
Hi Zan, once again your articles have been helping me through the process of getting over my break up. I was wondering could you also be in a stage where you accept the break-up and know you deserve better but sometimes get down because as you start to meet other people they lack certain qualities that you liked in your ex. Is that regressing back or normal to feel this way. Emotions are complicated and I am not holding on to hope, maybe it’s the whole pandemic thing that is causing me to overanalyze things that aren’t relevant. I appreciate the perspective nice to get opinions of individuals that are outside of the situation.
Hi Nicole, I am in the exact situation as you right now, it’s been 4 months since my ex left (1 week before lockdown) and I haven’t heard from him since. I accept that the relationship wasn’t working and consider myself to be in the “Recovery” stage but I am also struggling when speaking to new people. As soon as I establish that they’re not like my ex I completely lose interest. I still miss all of my ex’s good qualities and seem to overlook the bad qualities he had.
I am hoping the pandemic is to blame for slowing down some of the recovery and that when “normal life” resumes I will think even less about my ex.
Thank you for your reply, I’m glad to know I’m not the only one I feel the exact same way. I’m thinking when things start to normalize it will get easier. Best of luck!
Hello Nicole and Jen,
hoping your healing process is going well. I am going through a similar situation: going through a break up before lockdown. I did the “mistake” of still talking to them here and there. But in a sense that helped because the more time I spent with them as friends I realized they were not in a place to be my friend nor my partner. Even if they do date someone else, I know they are not ready. I have been working on myself: working out, reading, starting a blog. Also reflecting on what you can do better next time you are in a relationship. I went on two dates: one was really awkward that I wanted to cry and the other one, wow! I was like ok my ex is not ready. I think sometimes when we are in a relationship or love someone we hold on to this hope that they will change, but reality is that sometimes we need to leave their lives for them to fully and intentionally reflect. I am a curious person, so I might reach out to them in the future, but things might change. Wishing you all the best!
So my ex broke up with me 4 and half years ago, and I saw him recently and every emotion I’ve tried to let go of in the last 4years have been pushed to the curb. I still love him even though he started dating his sister in law almost immediately after our breakup. I loaned him some money to start a business, so when I heard he was dating his sister in law I went crazy and wasn’t very nice about getting my money back . But I was in so much pain and anguish because I couldn’t understand why he’d betray me with someone I’d seen as his sister! I even encouraged him to go live with them. Now the business has grown and he started telling people even when we just broke up that I was the reason he went through hard times and that his sister in law was the one who made him successful. And here I am almost 5year latter still in love with him and not really letting other guys in.
Hi there!
You’ve spent more than enough time worrying about someone who doesn’t worry about you. He blames you for the way he felt after the breakup and doesn’t seem to care about it. So focus on yourself and seek therapy if you have to. You have to get yourself back before you let other guys in.
Best regards,
Zan
I was the dumper, and than was working towards reconciliation with my ex. And became the dumpee. I am grateful for this site. It helps me see what I went through and what he is going through. In essence, I am at the moving on stage, and he is tormented now. We will se what happens. No contact works wonders. so does law of attraction.
Thanks for the comment, Joanne.
No contact will help you heal no matter what. Stay positive!
Zan
I’m reading all of these posts after my husband told me last night that he’s done. Thought things were getting better and consistent message and actions I was receiving was that he wanted to be with me and saw a future. I feared he would day something like this to me but was trying to feel optimistic by his actions and words. Its helpful to read through the comments. Have been separated for 7 months, in couples therapy, both have individual therapists and married 11.5 years together 14 yrs..says he just can’t find his way back to me. Not in love anymore, doesnt want to be around me or make decisions on new house. Ouch! Not sure how hard he’s actually tried. He’s actually dealing w some personal demons like depression, alcohol abuse, possible gambling, being raised by authoritarian parents which affects emotional intimacy, womanizing just not sure of extent. All of which affected our relationship. Such a long story and am emotionally exhausted. Feel like therapy made him worse. I have looked at myself and tried to make changes too. Just tough when someone doesn’t communicate or share things until the 11th hour. Not looking forward to hours, days weeks months ahead. But, I know I will get through this in time, wish I could jump to the future to a few years from now or get hypnotized to forget but also know I have to experience the pain to come out stronger. Just need to remember this at 3 am when I can’t sleep/ eat. Who wants to be w someone who doesn’t want them? I dont..Life is too short. All of this also comes as we are nearing the end of a huge historic house remodel project for past 1.5 years and the stress this has brought on. The relationship he has been in has been with the house Had he put the same effort into us I might not be typing this today. Will start to grieve the future I thought we would share together. Sorry for long post
Sincerely, in shock
Hi L Jane.
Your husband will likely have to hit an all-time low point in his life before he changes his mind. So until that happens, remain your best self and of course, continue to move on. Life is indeed too short and you mustn’t waste it waiting for a person who’s unsure about being with you. You deserve 100% commitment, so don’t settle for less.
Kind regards,
Zan
I am the dumpee, trying to be strong and do the NC. A couple times he’s apologized for hurting me and says he loves me. He’s just too independent and cannot get past certain things (no cheating or anything like that, to be honest I’m not sure what they are as he never brought them up). I’ve accepted the break up and just want to be the best version of myself. It just hits hard everytime I get a message. The last thing I did was wish him well. Isn’t that how it should be done for both to move on gracefully. I don’t think I can handle it if he tried to reach out again.
Hey Zan,
Thank you for this. Even though I’ll take time to get out of freshly being dumped, reading your articles make me feel less alone. All these people in the comments section make me feel like I’m not the only one going through all of this. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel yet, but I know there is one because my hopes are reignited again 🙂
Hi Alexa.
You will love and be loved again. So don’t lose hope. Keep your head up and move forward.
Best,
Zan
Obviously these stages do not always happen within 1 year.. I had been married for 15 yrs when my wife up and left me out of now where. I have made many breakup mistakes, but corrected them. I am just going through these break up stages now 3 years after being on my own sharing our son back and forth…
Evidently these stages can happen for different people at different times and not always within 1 year or a matter of months or weeks..
Good afternoon
I am male dumpee who got dumped 3 months ago just ending 4 year of relationship. We and our families arranged wedding this summer. Break-up came out of nowhere however I guess my girlfriend prepared better and since long time. Based on my observations she is now dating with some with whom I guess in relationship several months before our break up. She was having hard time since her mother was diagnosed with cancer. Initially I thought it is all my fault that I couldnt show my best during this hard time then I discovered new boyfriend was someone she knew before her mother’s sickness discovery. I appreciate your advises for removing her and memories since I cant accept even if she comes back
Thank you in advance
Boom! You absolutely nail it on all points! My wife dropped the breakup in my lap 2 months ago without warning. Met her soulmate, didn’t love me any more, doesn’t know if she ever loved me, I can’t give her what she needs, etc., and walked out on our daughter as well as me. Complete shock to me and cheating (I thought) was so for out of character for her.
Eight weeks later, after much soul searching, learning, reading, self care (meditation, exercise, healthy eating), counseling, and church/prayer, and forward thinking on my part I feel I’ve worked through the denial, depression, and anger and am on the cusp of real acceptance of the breakup and living my life without her. The clarity is amazing! I feel sad, but solid. Btw, I love your graphic–once I was in the anger phase I was also at the summit and the view is impressive!! So freeing!
Not sure where she is in the break stages up but I do notice she always wants to talk to me (we need to keep in touch for our daughter–I’m not a sh!tbag and encourage and help facilitate their communication) but never about the relationship. She really makes a point of speaking with me on the phone every time she’s done speaking with our daughter. I’m fine with that. I’m certain she’s no longer in relief or elation. Maybe memories? Who knows. While curious, I’m not obsessed to know more about it either. The stages you detailed are so accurate though. For both of us. I told her a while ago there will be a reckoning for her and by her. People cannot commit actions so out of their normal and have a consequence. When the weight of her actions truly hits her she will feel the crush as I did. I feel for her, but she made her bed and now it’s time to lie in it.
But I’m not still standing where she left me. I’m not the same man she knew. I have become faster, stronger, and more capable than I thought possible! To live through the pain of betrayal and the ending of what I thought to be a beautiful marriage and come out the other side a better man is something I didn’t know I had in me. It may be a year or two from now, but I’m really looking forward to the best relationship of my life yet to come!
Thank you again for an excellent website!!
I need to let you know that I love your response to this article, I’m exactly the same as you and reading this over and over again has really shown me just how strong we both are, thanks for this, I was never married but together for 6 years, NC is proving difficult because we are next door neighbours and she has left for someone else and feels nothing for me but every day I feel a little stronger, fitter and faster and it does feel overwhelming on the relief scale, anyway, thanks again mate
Where is the like button…i love this response
All these articles are so realistic and so helpful! Thank you! It is so hard to be a dumpee and more so when it was unexpected. In any case, I still go back and forth through sadness and anger stages…it has been 2.5 months since breakup. Lots of learning and growth, very very painful. I know with time I will feel 100% grateful of it all.
Hi Maria.
Thank you for your comment.
Breakups are incredibly difficult for dumpees. And that’s the reason why we’re able to learn a lot.
Keep healing, learning, and improving. This is your time to grow.
Kind regards,
Zan
I watched stages of dumper and dumpee….both are spot on!! Im in the new life dumpee stage with positve mindset to be the best me, dumper is texting me wanting $2,000 for a down payment after they totaled their car yesterday, probably texting while driving their new friends with all their new found freedom.. Crazy how stuff works out, Im going to give her it btw. I gave her $1000 already, she is a good person and financially carried us when i went through a very tough period that ultimately led to the breakup. If I had this motivation and look on life the breakup would have never happened in the first place
Hi Chris.
Thank you for your comment.
The dumpee and dumper stages are basically reversed. When the dumper is enjoying his or her life, the dumpee is suffering. And when the dumpee recovers, the dumper becomes susceptible to pain, nostalgia, and regret.
Kind regards,
Zan
The information here for the dumpee and dumper is very helpful.. I am the dumpee and it is tough, however I’m in no contact and it is working wonders for me..i am so happy I am not with the women’, because she was a user. I stopped paying just in time
Zan，I found the readings so enlightening and humorous in a good tearful way.Thank you.
My 5year old relationship ended recently.
I totally blindsided so to say that it felt like a train ramming into my gut is an understatement.I thought we were good.Until 3months ago i noticed some changes.Less communication，and when I did call，id get an “im busy il call u back”…there were other subtle changes which only upon reflection I see as her pulling away…so the break up came when I asked if she had found someone and reluctantly she said yes.She also told me that there id do would change the way she felt about the new partner so I accepted that as final.I was devastated of course.
Because we were best friends first，she assured me that our friendship remains.Since the breakup she has called to check on me and. i have wished her well.
I have decided that the no contact rule will heal me in time and im willing to go as long as needed to do so.
I do not stay friends with exes but this one is different.However I know i need time apart.
I blame myself for the break up as I know I have not been a good person at times.
If we truly love someone，we can only wish them happiness.And hope that we find our own.
God yeah did I ever screw those ones up. She did say if I didn’t things may have been different.
I sent long emails as I’d been blocked 50 percent at my request not wanting to see her with someone else. The other was her just being sick of me trying to get her to see. Everything is true on here so need the warnings ok. If you’ve been savvy enough to actually research before acting you’ll massively increase your chances. I broke no contact, I disrespected her wishes and put that of my own first. I also allowed myself to direct anger at her through accusations. Which led her to finally say stay the f away from me or I’ll be involving the police. So yeah considering the start of this if I’d of shown respect and allowed the phases to grow or pass then who knows. Now guts the connection for us was immense and I mean living In the same town same block of flats, whilst in the forces always crossing paths for over 14 years but always just missing each other somehow. Painting the walls red and having cream settees and we spoke of marriage jokingly at gretna green as I literally drove past a pub 1 minute later named the gretna green inn. We mirrored each other constantly and even did the same hand gestures when we spoke. That all means nothing if you can’t show respect in separating. She’s gone now and I believe it’s for good with indefinite no contact as she told her friends and family my behaviour in our split. So I also look and accept that I was a sad pathetic mess who had no thought for how she felt only that I wanted the hurt to stop.
We split because I was accused of trying it on with someone which I later proved I didn’t via lie detector yes I know, but it was my only option. To which she said no one gives a sh.t and that was that really.
Hi Alexeo.
Thanks for the warnings.
It’s best if you can avoid the post-breakup mistakes if possible—as they influence your ex tremendously.
But even if you committed a few or many, consider them a lesson. You will do better as a result in your next relationship.
Stay strong!
Zan