Should I Write A Letter To My Ex?

Prior to writing this article, I browsed for a while and learned what breakup gurus and people, in general, think about writing a letter to an ex. To my surprise, many articles endorsed the writing of various types of letters and guaranteed some sort of closure or long-term success with an ex.

They said that writing a letter will “plant a seed” in the dumper’s mind and encourage the dumper to reach out and get back together with the dumpee when he or she has processed the breakup. Little did these people know that breakup letters don’t leave positive impressions on dumpers. In fact, they cause more harm than good as tend to pressure and guilt-trip dumpers and make them want to run for the mountains.

Some websites even offer services that “help” broken-hearted dumpees write custom, handwritten letters to their exes in exchange for some hard-earned cash. They basically sell them false hope as they make them think that communication with their ex will convince their ex to give them another chance.

But the truth is that post-breakup letters don’t work because dumpers don’t want them to work. They don’t expect dumpees to communicate with them and tell them what’s on their mind. They have enough on their own mind already and have plenty of better things to do.

Things like focusing on their needs and enjoying their post-breakup freedom.

If you’re thinking of sending your ex a letter, you have to understand that forcing your way into your ex’s life will make your ex feel uncomfortable. Sure, your ex might shed a tear or two, but that’s only if your ex feels guilty. If your ex feels smothered, your ex will likely just ignore the letter or say “thanks for the letter” out of courtesy.

That will hurt you once again and cause you an emotional setback.

So instead of sending your ex letters, show your ex that you know what he or she needs. Do that by going no contact and letting your ex come to you when he or she is ready.

This post is for dumpees who are contemplating sending a letter to their ex.

Should I write a letter to my ex?

Before you write a letter and send it to your ex, the very first thing you should do is ask yourself what the purpose of writing a letter is.

Is it to get your ex back, elicit some kind of a caring response (feel validated), tell your ex you’re moving on, manipulate your ex, or perhaps make your ex realize the pain and suffering he or she is putting you through?

Give it some thought and figure out what your ultimate goal is. When you learn that you’re thinking of sending a letter to your ex because you need something from your ex (not the other way around), you should understand that your ex isn’t your go-to person anymore.

Your ex is your ex which means that your ex can’t and most likely won’t help you feel better. If you don’t speak or if your ex is not a very caring person, your ex will make you feel worse as you’re going to see your ex react in ways you don’t expect and come across information you’re not ready to handle.

Information that your ex feels extremely smothered by you and doesn’t want to communicate.

Sure, there’s always a chance that your ex won’t respond in a nasty way. But as long as there is a small chance that your ex will, it’s safer for you not to gamble with your health and happiness.

It’s better for you to stick to the rules of no contact and let your ex send you letters if he or she wants to.

But currently, your ex isn’t doing that. Why is that? It’s because your ex doesn’t feel hurt and desperate for connection. Your ex is doing just fine without you and is going to keep doing fine even if you send letters that show your ex that he or she is important to you.

Bear in mind that you don’t need to specifically state that you’re missing your ex for your ex to see that you’re dependent on him/her. The letter on its own is proof of that as you wouldn’t be sending a letter to an ex if you were over him or her.

You’d be moving on with your life and thinking about anyone but your ex.

Here’s an infographic explaining why you’re thinking of writing a letter to your ex.

From my understanding, there are 5 types of letters you can write to your ex.

• Love letter – to confess your undying love.
• Reaction letter – to elicit a warm reply from your ex and reopen channels of communication.
• Acceptance letter – a one-way letter “to acknowledge” the end of the relationship.
• Closure letter – the letter with which you demand an explanation as to why the breakup occurred.
• Forgiveness letter – the letter to forgive your ex for treating you poorly.
• Hate letter – the letter to inform your ex what a bad person he or she is.

You must understand what kind of letter you’re thinking of sending your ex. Once you understand it, you should know that the letter has nothing to do with your ex. It has everything to do with you as the letter intends to make you feel (or not feel) a certain way.

For most dumpers, it intends to take their pain away and give them hope that their ex will realize their worth and come back in the future.

Does writing a letter to your ex ever work?

Many of my clients, readers, and even friends wrote letters to their exes and hoped to convince their exes to come back. But, unfortunately, letters haven’t worked for any of them. Not even a single one.

That’s because love letters, acceptance letters, and all types of letters aren’t meant to be read by exes. They’re meant for partners – boyfriends and girlfriends who are receptive to what you have to say. They have no effect on an ex who’s lost feelings for you, took you for granted, cheated, ghosted, or abandoned you out of the blue.

Ex-partners simply don’t care about letters. They don’t live in a fairy tale in which something as simple as a letter could resolve their issues and make them see their dumpees in a better light. Breakup letters don’t have that kind of power. They may work in fantasies, but in real life, they’re counterintuitive and counterproductive.

Instead of reattracting the dumper, they put expectations on the dumper and make him or her want to come back even less. I know a lot of people on the internet say letters are long-term plans, but that’s nonsense. Letters don’t plant seeds because dumpers aren’t thinking about getting back with their exes.

They’re perfectly happy staying away from them because doing so gives them the space and privacy to do what they want. The only time dumpers think about giving their dumpee another chance is when things go wrong in their lives (when they’re hurt and anxious).

But when that happens, they don’t need a letter from their ex to remind them that their dumpee is a nice person who may still be available to them. Dumpers simply aren’t attractive to niceness. They know or assume dumpees want to be with them, but they don’t care about it, which is why they don’t want to see that their ex is waiting for them.

Secretly, they want to see that their ex doesn’t want them and has moved on. Such beliefs make them respect dumpees whereas the things they say remind them that dumpees are waiting for them.

So don’t expect your letter to “plant a seed” in your ex’s mind and hit your ex hard when the time is right. The only thing the letter will plant in your ex’s brain is a reason for your ex to be even more annoyed with you.

It goes without saying that sending letters to an ex contradicts everything the indefinite no contact rule tries to accomplish.

Instead of helping your ex self-prioritize, the letter irritates your suffocating ex and makes your ex feel emotions he or she broke up with you to avoid feeling.

Some of those emotions include:

• guilt
• shame
• anger
• suffocation
• annoyance
• depression
• anxiety

So if you want the best for you and your ex, don’t write any letters to your ex. Your ex hasn’t asked for a letter, which means that your ex doesn’t want one and isn’t hoping to hear from you. When your ex does want to hear from you, your ex will reach out on his or her own.

Your ex won’t need you to demonstrate that it’s safe to communicate as dumpees sometimes think.

What if my ex keeps the letter for later?

If you’re hoping your ex will store your letter for safekeeping, that probably won’t happen. Your ex will most likely get rid of the letter the moment he or she is done reading it. Most dumpers do because they feel smothered and don’t want anything to do with the dumpee after the breakup. They want things to stay the way they are, so they can keep their ex at a distance.

You’ve got to understand that dumpers don’t keep you around as a backup option so that they can pull you back in when it’s convenient for them.

They’re happy not to hear from you unless they want to assuage guilt or some other breakup emotion.

When your ex needs you, your ex will probably reach out to you and keep you busy for a while. That’s when you’ll have to decide if talking to your ex is worth your time.

Would you want to receive a letter from one of your exes?

If you’re not sure about whether writing a letter to your ex is the right thing to do, put yourself in your ex’s shoes and ask yourself if you’d like someone you left to send you a letter and perhaps even tell you how he or she feels.

You probably wouldn’t want that person to bother you with things you’re not interested in. Scratch that, you definitely wouldn’t want your ex to annoy you. Especially not if you were already dating someone else and planning your life with that person.

A letter from your ex would just make you feel uncomfortable. So much so that you wouldn’t know how to respond to it. You probably wouldn’t respond at all as you wouldn’t know if saying something would encourage your ex to keep reaching out to you.

So before you do something your ex may not appreciate, imagine how you’d feel if someone you dated in the past suddenly sent you letters in which he or she apologized, promised to change, talked about how good his or her new life is, or asked if you wanted to get back together.

Soon, you’d likely realize that your current ex would feel uncomfortable just like you would and that as difficult as the breakup is for you that it’s better not to send your ex anything. No letters, texts, emails, voice calls, nothing.

If your ex doesn’t want you back, your ex doesn’t want to hear from you either. Your ex wants you to leave him or her alone unless you’re both ready for friendship or more.

What does writing a letter do to you?

When you send a letter to your ex, you put expectations into the letter and allow yourself to become vulnerable again. That’s because sending a letter to your ex has a hidden agenda – to obtain something that you can’t get on your own.

It doesn’t matter what you’re trying to accomplish with the letter. The problem is that your ex can smell that you’re up to no good. Your ex knows that you wouldn’t be going through the trouble of writing him or her a letter if you didn’t have an ulterior motive.

Since your ex doesn’t want any letters, keep in mind that your ex will indirectly reject you again and reintroduce you to breakup pain. That could make you wonder whether reaching out to your ex was a wise idea and if it could have been avoided.

The truth is that you can easily avoid additional separation anxiety and rejection pain. All you have to do is be brave and avoid sending your ex letters. It’s that simple, so don’t send anything to your ex.

Your ex will be much happier and will respect you more if you respect yourself and let him or her initiate conversations and send letters.

Act now or your ex will move on fear

Many dumpees are so anxious after the breakup that they believe anything they read on the internet. Anything that gives them hope, that is as such things make them think they need to do something to impress their ex or their ex will move on and forget about them.

What dumpees don’t realize is that dumpers have already moved on. They had weeks or months to detach, so sending a letter to tell them they’re not ready to accept the breakup won’t change anything. It will just tell dumpers that they’re in denial and that they’d rather stay in touch than lose their exes completely.

So if you’re thinking of writing a letter (or letters) to your ex, know that the last thing your ex wants is to see that you’re having trouble moving on. Seeing that you’re struggling to cope with anxiety will put your ex in an uncomfortable situation and make your ex respond accordingly.

If your ex cares about your feelings and understands what you’re going through, your ex is going to feel bad for you and respond empathetically.

But if your ex doesn’t care much or doesn’t know why you’re anxious and reaching out, your ex will get angry or not respond at all. It’s better for you not to find out what kind of person your ex is as you don’t need your ex to get closure.

You just need to stay in indefinite no contact and keep healing.

Should I EVER write a letter to my ex?

Writing a letter to an ex is usually a bad idea. It’s a bad idea whether you miss your ex and want him or her back or just want to be friends with your ex.

Ideally, you want your ex to reach out to you first. Him or her contacting you first would tell you that your ex has processed the breakup and that he or she wants something from you. Of course, if your ex doesn’t contact you first, it probably doesn’t mean that your ex isn’t ready for friendship.

It could just mean that your ex is moving on and waiting for you to reach out and ask to be friends. If you’re over your ex, you can contact your ex directly rather than sending a letter. A letter may be too personal for friendship.

Closure letter

Although asking your ex for closure doesn’t seem like the worst idea in the world, it’s still a terrible idea.

Whether you receive positive feedback from someone who left you strongly depends on how much space your ex has had to cool off, how receptive your ex has become, and how empathetic your ex is as a person.

One way to know for sure is to analyze your ex’s pre-breakup and post-breakup behavior. If your ex was nasty to you and it’s only been a month or so, your ex probably won’t be very understanding of the pain you’re going through if you reach out. He or she will likely find your letter intrusive and refuse to answer your questions.

It’s important to note that you won’t get closure from your ex until your ex is ready to talk. And your ex won’t be ready to talk if you’re reaching out first and forcing your ex to talk to you on your terms.

So wait for your ex to message or call you of his or her own accord. That’s when it might be okay to ask your ex to answer some questions.

Hate letter

There’s nothing worse than unleashing your wrath on your ex.

Please understand that even if your ex treated you horribly post-breakup that getting angry with your ex is not going to help you get through the breakup quicker. It might make you feel better for a little while, but sooner than later, you’ll go back to missing your ex.

If you say something really disrespectful, you might even have a difficult time forgiving yourself after you’ve stopped feeling anxious.

So remember that getting angry at your ex will do three things:

• slow down the time it takes for you to move on
• prevent you from growing as a person
• stop your ex from respecting you and feeling love for you

You need to keep in mind that there are better ways to reduce anger. Instead of telling your ex what a bad person he or she is, confide in your friends and family instead. They’ll let you vent for a while and encourage you to do the right thing.

Forgiveness letter

The only letter you should write is the forgiveness letter. Put down everything your ex has done to you and made you feel and describe how you would have acted and reacted if you were your ex. That will allow you to grow as a person and prevent you from staying angry with your ex.

Also, don’t forget to mention the mistakes you’ve made throughout the relationship and how you contributed to the breakup. Write 3 reasons for every mistake and 3 solutions next to them.

Make this letter 5 pages long if you want to as long as you get everything off your chest and relieve anxiety. But once you’ve finished writing the letter, don’t send it! Put it in your drawer and read it whenever you feel overwhelmed.

The letter will serve you as a reminder that your ex isn’t the most amazing person on the planet and give you the motivation to forgive your ex and keep working on your shortcomings.

It will essentially help you move on and open your heart to new romantic opportunities when the time is right.

Were you thinking of writing a letter to your ex? What do you think about this article? Has it knocked some sense into you? Please let us know below the post.

And if you wish to go into detail about writing a letter to your ex, feel free to sign up for breakup coaching here.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.