Should I Write A Letter To My Ex?

Updated on October 23, 2025

Prior to writing this article, I browsed for a while and learned what breakup gurus and people, in general, think about writing a letter to an ex. To my surprise, many articles and videos endorsed the writing of various types of letters to their ex and guaranteed some sort of closure or long-term success with their ex.

They said that writing a letter would “plant a seed of doubt” in the dumper’s mind and encourage the dumper to reach out and get back together with the dumpee when he or she has processed the breakup.

Little did these people know that breakup letters don’t leave positive impressions on dumpers and encourage them to return. As a matter of fact, they cause more harm than good, as they tend to pressure and guilt-trip dumpers and make them want to disappear.

Some websites even offer services that “help” broken-hearted dumpees write custom-tailored, handwritten letters to their exes in exchange for their hard-earned money. They sell them false hope, making them think that communication with their ex will convince their ex to redevelop feelings and give them another chance.

The truth, though, is that post-breakup letters don’t work miracles because dumpers have no interest in letting them work. They don’t expect dumpees to communicate with them and tell them how they feel and what they want. They have better things to think about and have plenty of better things to do.

Things like focusing on their own needs and enjoying their post-breakup freedom.

If you’re thinking about writing a letter to your ex, you have to understand that forcing your way into your ex’s life will make your ex feel uncomfortable and perhaps even scared or repulsed.

Sure, your ex might shed a tear or two, but that’s only if your ex feels bad for leaving and causing you pain. If your ex doesn’t feel bad or feels smothered, your ex will likely just ignore your letter or say, “Thanks for the letter.” He or she will do that out of courtesy rather than genuine appreciation.

That will hurt you once again and cause you pain that could have been avoided.

So instead of sending your ex letters, show your ex that you know what he or she needs. Do that by going no contact and letting your ex come to you. Your ex will reach out on his or her own initiative when he or she has dealt with the negative effects of the breakup and discovered the value you bring to the table.

During the reach-out, your ex will ask for forgiveness not because you sent a letter and poured your heart out, but because you stepped back and showed that you understand and respect his or her decision, emotions, and needs. Understanding and respect are extremely important to dumpers because they detach and crave space.

This post is for dumpees who are contemplating sending a letter to their ex. We’ll show you why sending a letter to an ex is a bad idea and what you should do instead.

Should I write a letter to my ex?

Before you write a letter and send it to your ex, the first thing you should do is ask yourself what the purpose of writing a letter is.

Is it to get your ex back, to influence your ex’s emotions and receive a caring response, to feel validated, to show that you’re moving on, or to make your ex realize the pain and suffering he or she has caused you?

Give it some thought and figure out what your ultimate goal is. When you learn that you’re thinking of sending a letter to your ex because you need something from your ex (not the other way around), you should understand that your ex isn’t your go-to person anymore.

Your ex is your ex, someone who most likely won’t help you feel better. If you don’t speak or if your ex is not a very nice and caring person, your ex will probably make you feel worse, as you’re going to see your ex react in ways you didn’t expect.

You may even learn that your ex is dating someone else, happy without you, or that your ex feels extremely smothered by you and doesn’t want to communicate.

Sure, there’s always a chance that your ex won’t respond in a nasty way. But as long as there’s a small chance that your ex will, it’s safer for you not to gamble with your health and happiness.

It’s better for you to stick to the rules of no contact and let your ex send you letters, if that’s something he or she wants.

Right now, your ex isn’t doing that. And why is that? It’s because your ex doesn’t feel guilty, hurt, and/or desperate for attention, love, or connection. Your ex is doing just fine without you and is going to keep doing fine even if you send a bunch of letters.

Your letters won’t lower your ex’s defenses and bring back his or her lost feelings. They can’t because your ex associates negative beliefs with you and can’t dissociate them with your apology, friendship offer, or persistence.

The harder you try to prove your point and change your ex’s mind, the more you’ll pressure your ex and solidify his or her reasons for leaving.

Keep in mind, you don’t have to explicitly say you miss your ex for him or her to notice your desperation and dependence. The letter itself is proof of that, as you wouldn’t be sending one if you were truly over your ex.

You’d be moving on with your life and spending your time with just about anyone but your ex.

Here’s an infographic that explains why you feel the urge to write a letter to your ex.

From my understanding, there are 5 types of letters you can write to your ex.

• Love letter – to confess your undying love.
• Reaction letter – to elicit a caring response from your ex and reopen channels of communication.
• Acceptance letter – a one-way letter “to acknowledge” the end of the relationship.
• Closure letter – the letter with which you demand an explanation as to why the breakup occurred.
• Forgiveness letter – the letter to forgive your ex for treating you poorly.
• Hate letter – the letter to inform your ex what a bad person he or she is.

If you’re still thinking about writing your ex a letter, you must figure out what kind of letter you’re thinking of writing. Once you understand the type of letter you want your ex to read, you should know that the letter has nothing to do with your ex. It has everything to do with your emotions and expectations, as the letter intends to make you feel (or not feel) a certain way.

The letter is for you to change the outcome and feel cared for, loved, or respected. For most dumpees, a letter is meant to ease their pain and give them hope that their ex will recognize their worth and come back to love them.

Does writing a letter to an ex ever work?

Many of my clients, readers, and even friends have written letters to their exes, hoping to convince them to come back. Unfortunately for them, though, the letters didn’t work.

That’s because love letters, acceptance letters, and all types of letters aren’t meant to be read by exes. They’re meant for partners – boyfriends and girlfriends who are receptive to who you are and what you have to say. They have no effect on an ex who lost respect or feelings, took you for granted, cheated, ghosted, or abandoned you to chase greener pastures.

Ex-partners simply don’t care about letters. They don’t live in a fairy tale in which something as simple as a letter can fix their problems and make them see their dumpees in a better light. Breakup letters don’t have that kind of power. They may work in movies and fantasies, but in real life, they’re counterintuitive and counterproductive.

Instead of reattracting the dumper, they put expectations on the dumper and make him or her want to come back even less. The dumper usually feels pressured and disrespected, and associates more negative thoughts and feelings with the dumpee.

I know that many people on the internet say letters are long-term ex-back plans, but that’s simply not true. Letters don’t inculcate anything into a dumper’s mind because dumpers don’t think the way dumpees do.

They’re perfectly happy staying away from their ex because doing so gives them the space and privacy to think and do what they want. The only time dumpers think about giving their dumpee another chance is when things go wrong in their lives (when they’re hurt and anxious) and need a familiar shoulder to lean on.

But when that happens, they don’t need a letter from their ex to remind them that their ex is a nice person who may still want to get back with them. Dumpers simply aren’t attracted to their ex’s thoughtfulness and niceness. They know or assume their ex wants to be with them, but they still don’t care. Seeing their ex waiting for them only makes them crave more space.

Secretly, they want to see that their ex doesn’t want them and has moved on. Such observations or beliefs make them respect dumpees for being strong and independent, whereas unsolicited letters guilt-trip them and destroy their sense of urgency. So don’t expect a letter to “plant a seed” in your ex’s mind and hit your ex hard when the time is right.

The only thing it’s likely to plant is a reason for your ex to feel trapped and become even more annoyed with you.

It goes without saying that sending letters to an ex contradicts everything the indefinite no contact rule teaches.

Instead of helping your ex self-prioritize and enjoy life on his or her terms, the letter irritates your suffocating ex and makes your ex feel emotions he or she is trying to run away from.

Some of those emotions include:

• guilt
• shame
• anger
• suffocation
• annoyance
• depression
• anxiety

So if you want the best for you and your ex, don’t write any letters to your ex. Your ex hasn’t asked for a letter, which means that your ex doesn’t want one. Your ex might want one later, but only if your ex asks for explanations.

In the meantime, remember that letters cause more problems than they solve and that reconciliations are unlikely to happen because of them.

What if my ex keeps the letter for later?

If you’re hoping your ex will store your letter for safekeeping, that probably won’t happen. Your ex will most likely get rid of the letter the moment he or she is done reading it. Most dumpers throw it away the same day because they feel uncomfortable and don’t want anything to do with the dumpee. They want things to stay the way they are, so they can keep their ex at a distance and focus on themselves.

You have to understand that dumpers don’t usually keep their ex around as a backup option in case they change their mind later and want to pull their ex back in.

They’re fine without a backup plan because they’re fully focused on their post-breakup life.

When they become regretful and need their ex, they contact their ex and see if their ex is still available and open to reconciliation. That’s when the dumpee has to decide if he or she still loves the dumper and wants him or her back.

Would you want to receive a letter from one of your exes?

If you’re not sure about writing a letter to your ex, put yourself in your ex’s shoes and ask yourself if you’d like someone you left (and perhaps even replaced with someone else) to send you a letter. Imagine your ex sending a letter to your home and telling you how he or she feels.

You probably wouldn’t want that person to violate your privacy and bother you with things you’re not interested in. Scratch that, you definitely wouldn’t want your ex to annoy you, especially if you’re already dating someone else and planning your life with him or her.

A letter from your ex would just make you feel uneasy, shocked, and unsure of whether or how to respond. You probably wouldn’t respond at all, as you’d fear your words might give your ex hope and prompt him or her to keep reaching out.

So before you do something your ex likely won’t appreciate, imagine how you’d feel if someone you dated in the past suddenly sent you (love) letters, apologies, and promises to change—and tried to make you jealous and envious.

Soon, you’d likely realize that your ex would feel just as uncomfortable as you do, and that no matter how difficult the breakup is, it’s better not to send any letters, texts, emails, pictures, or voice recordings.

If your ex doesn’t want you back, your ex doesn’t want to hear from you either. Your ex wants you to leave him or her alone until you both want the same things (friendship, occasional friendship, or a romantic relationship).

What does writing a letter do to you?

When you send a letter to your ex, you pour your heart and expectations into the letter, allowing yourself to become vulnerable again. That’s because sending a letter to your ex has a hidden agenda – to obtain something that you can’t get on your own.

It doesn’t matter what you’re trying to get from your ex. The problem is that your ex can smell your anxiety, unhappiness, and desperation a mile away. Your ex knows that you wouldn’t be going through the trouble of writing him or her a letter if you were happy with the breakup and didn’t have an ulterior motive.

Since your ex doesn’t want any letters, remember that your ex will directly or indirectly reject you again and reintroduce you to breakup pain. Rejection pain could make you wonder whether reaching out to your ex was truly a smart idea and if it could have been avoided.

The truth is that you can easily avoid additional anxiety and pain. All you have to do is be strong, stay in no contact, and avoid sending your ex letters. It’s that simple, so don’t send gifts, letters, or anything to your ex. Don’t send acceptance, love, or hate letters to someone who doesn’t deserve them and has nothing to say to you.

Your ex will be much happier and will respect you more if you respect yourself and let him or her initiate conversations and send letters. Your job as a dumpee is to respect the rules of no contact and give your ex space to breathe.

Thinking that you must act now, or your ex will move on

Many dumpees are so anxious after the breakup that they believe anything they read on the internet. Anything that gives them hope, that is, as such things make them think they need to do something to impress their ex, or their ex will move on and forget about them.

They fall for the illusion of action, which means they act on the fear of missing out and the urge to control the breakup.

What dumpees initially don’t realize is that dumpers have already moved on. They had weeks or months to detach, so sending a letter, telling their exes they’re not ready to accept the breakup, doesn’t change a thing. It just tells dumpers they’re in denial and that they’d rather stay in touch than lose everything.

So if you’re thinking of writing a letter (or letters) to your ex, know that the last thing your ex wants is to see that you’re having trouble moving on. Seeing that you’re struggling to cope with anxiety or depression will force your ex into an uncomfortable situation and make your ex respond accordingly.

If your ex understands what you’re going through and cares about your feelings, your ex will feel bad for you and respond empathetically.

But if your ex doesn’t care much or doesn’t know why you’re anxious and reaching out, your ex will get angry or not respond at all. It’s better for you not to find out how your ex thinks and feels about you. If you need closure, you can get it without your ex. You just need to stay in indefinite no contact and keep healing.

Should I EVER write a letter to my ex?

Writing a letter to an ex is almost always a bad idea. It’s a bad idea, whether you miss your ex and want him or her back or just want to talk and be friends.

Ideally, you want your ex to reach out to you first. A text, call, email, or letter from your ex tells you that your ex has processed the breakup and wants something from you. Of course, if your ex doesn’t contact you first, it doesn’t necessarily mean that your ex isn’t ready for friendship.

It likely just means that your ex is moving on and waiting for you to reach out and ask to be friends.

If you’re over your ex, you can contact your ex directly, rather than sending a letter. A letter is a physical gesture and can feel too invasive.

Closure letter

Although asking your ex for closure doesn’t seem like the worst idea in the world, it’s still a bad idea.

Whether you receive positive feedback from someone who left you depends on how much space your ex has had to cool off, how receptive your ex has become, and how mature and empathetic your ex is as a person.

One way to know for sure is to analyze your ex’s pre-breakup and post-breakup behavior. If your ex was mean and rude to you and it’s only been a month or so, your ex probably won’t be very understanding of the pain you’re going through. He or she will likely find your letter pushy and refuse to answer your questions sincerely.

It’s important to note that you won’t get closure from your ex until your ex is ready to talk and give closure. And your ex probably won’t be ready to talk if you’re reaching out first and forcing your ex to answer questions he or she feels uncomfortable with and doesn’t want to answer.

So wait for your ex to message or call you of his or her own accord. That’s when it might be appropriate to ask for clarification.

Hate letter

There’s nothing worse than unleashing your wrath on your ex.

Please understand that even if your ex treated you terribly post-breakup, getting angry with your ex is not going to help you get through the breakup any quicker. It might make you feel better for a little while, but sooner or later, you’ll find yourself missing your ex again.

If you say something really disrespectful, you might even blame yourself for pushing your ex away and have a difficult time forgiving yourself.

So remember that getting angry with your ex will accomplish three things:

• slow down the time it takes for you to move on
• prevent you from growing as a person
• stop your ex from respecting you and loving you

You need to keep in mind that there are better ways to stop feeling angry. Instead of telling your ex what a bad person he or she is, confide in your friends and family. They’ll let you vent for a while and encourage you to do the right thing.

Forgiveness letter

The only letter you should write is the forgiveness letter. Put down everything your ex has done to you and made you feel, and describe how you would have acted and reacted if you were your ex.

That will allow you to grow as a person and prevent you from staying angry with your ex longer than necessary.

Also, don’t forget to mention the mistakes you’ve made throughout the relationship and how you contributed to the breakup. Write 3 reasons for every mistake and 3 solutions to solve them.

Make the letter 5 pages long if you want to. The point is to get everything off your chest and relieve anxiety. But once you’ve finished writing the letter, don’t send it! Keep it in a drawer and read it whenever you feel overwhelmed.

The letter will serve you as a reminder that your ex isn’t the most amazing person on the planet, and give you the drive to forgive your ex and keep working on your shortcomings.

A letter that you don’t send can be surprisingly healing. It can allow you to express everything you’ve been holding inside without the pressure of a response or the fear of judgment. By putting your emotions into words, you release them, making it easier to move on and open your heart to new romantic opportunities.

So feel free to write a letter. It’s okay to express your emotions strongly, as long as you don’t send them to your ex and make him or her feel unwanted emotions.

Were you thinking of writing a letter to your ex? What are your thoughts on it now? Has your perspective changed? Let us know in the comments below.

However, if you’d like to explore the idea of writing a letter to your ex in more detail, feel free to sign up for breakup coaching.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.