If your girlfriend told you or showed you that she doesn’t love you anymore, your intuition probably tells you to do something about it.
It tells you to chase after your girlfriend, reason with her, and make her love you again.
But, unfortunately, running after your girlfriend with a bouquet of flowers in your hands is the last thing you want to do. Not only does chasing your girlfriend give her more of that which she doesn’t want (attention, validation, power, and control), but it also conveys to her that you don’t respect her choice.
It tells her that you don’t care about her decisions, thoughts, and feelings and that you lack control of your actions.
That’s why listening to your gut feelings and reasoning with your girlfriend is not going to work. It can’t work because your girlfriend isn’t ready for it. She’s in an emotionally-detached state that prevents her from discerning your worth and falling back in love with you.
The only way she can fall back in love is if something or someone changes her opinion of you.
That something or someone can be anything influential that corrects the way she perceives you. It can be a new rebound relationship, depression, or simply the realization that life before the breakup used to be better than life after.
Almost always, it’s a negative event that triggers nostalgia and makes people reflect. This is why there’s no telling how long it will take your girlfriend to experience something negative and painful.
It could take her weeks or it could take her months. Perhaps she’ll never suffer and crave your intimacy. No one knows for sure because every person has different coping mechanisms and ways of living.
But one thing is for certain.
Your girlfriend needs lots of time to think about her feelings. If you beg and plead with her, you’ll most likely make her feel worse. You’ll worsen her already bad negative perceptions of you and create one more reason for her to stay out of love with you.
So don’t try to change your girlfriend’s made-up mind. Don’t do what your heart tells you to do and instead give her what she’s asking for – time, space, and lots of self-investment.
This is what will make her happy. So make her happy.
Today’s topic is, “She doesn’t love me anymore. What do I do?”
She doesn’t love me anymore. What do I do?
If your girlfriend doesn’t love you and wants to break up with you, you need to understand that she’d contemplated breaking up with you for quite some time.
She’d thought about leaving you for at least a week or two because that’s how long it normally takes dumpers to leave. They first start thinking about breaking up and weighing the pros and consāand eventually start liking the idea of breaking up.
It’s how they muster up the courage to separate themselves from their partners.
And that’s exactly what happened to your girlfriend. She thought about the positives and negatives and began to doubt her love for you. This went on for so long that she ended up falling out of love with you and started fancying single life.
That’s why single life feels a lot more enticing to your girlfriend than staying with you right now. In fact, it feels so relaxing that she’d do anything just to stop feeling smothered and get a breath of fresh air.
To get some space.
As a dumpee or a future dumpee, this isn’t something you have much if any control over. Your girlfriend feels a strong need to get away from you because she hadn’t controlled her thoughts during the relationship.
Instead of controlling them, she just let them roam freely and allowed them to create strong emotions of doubt, disinterest, and repulsion. Eventually, her negative thoughts and emotions got so bad that the only way she could break free from them is by telling you that she doesn’t love you anymore.
It hurts to hear that someone you invested your heart and soul in wants to break up with you, but that’s just the way breakups work. They break our hearts and send soul-breaking separation anxiety through our bodies.
I wish there was something we could do to make the pain go away right away, but as far as I know, there is no such cure for heartbreak. Going under someone to get over an ex certainly doesn’t work. Neither does taking revenge on an ex or doing something malicious.
The only thing that can mend a broken heart is self-investment and time alone. And that’s because working on yourself, staying busy, and enjoying life can help you realize that the world isn’t going to end with your girlfriend’s departure.
If you have a positive outlook on life and healthy self-esteem, you know that a lot of things are going to improveāstarting with your thinking and behavioral patterns.
She doesn’t love me anymore but I want her back
If you love a girl but she doesn’t love you back, the best thing you can do for her as well as yourself is to leave the girl alone. You need to understand that she’d made a premeditated conscious decision to break up with you and doesn’t want you to win her over.
All she wants from you is to respect her wishes and give her enough space and time to think about the breakup.
Here’s what you should do if your girlfriend doesn’t love you anymore.
Your girlfriend probably hasn’t told you, but she subconsciously wants to see if she’d made the right decision and if she can be happier without you. If she can, then her love for you, unfortunately, will never return.
It will stay the way it is.
But if she can’t be happy without you and needs you in her life for any reason at all, then things will take a turn for the better. She’ll come running back faster than roadrunner and apologize for making a rash decision.
The most important thing you need to remember is that exes leave when they’re unhappy and also come back when they’re unhappy. This is a fact and it’s never going to change because unhappiness is the reason why exes come back.
It’s the kind of inducement that triggers desperation inside people and forces them to become happy again. If you think about that for a minute, you’ll understand that your girlfriend or ex-girlfriend “just” needs to fail at something important and realize that she’d taken you for granted.
This may sound fairly simple, but there’s more to it. Your girlfriend doesn’t just have to fail at something dear to her. If that were the case, your girlfriend’s chance of return would be nearly 100% because time would be all she needs to make an error.
She could also get emotional support from someone other than you, so she wouldn’t necessarily need to choose you of all the helpful people in her life.
Your girlfriend would also need to disassociate negativity from your pre-breakup persona (as well as post-breakup persona if you committed breakup mistakes) and start thinking of you in a positive light.
One way your girlfriend could do that is to think of your relationship as something meaningful that boosted her happiness and made her feel respected and cared for.
In other words, she has to become nostalgic about you and see romantic value in you.
She says she doesn’t love me but I know she does
An immature person who desires power over you might tell you that she doesn’t love you, but a mature person who’s given up on you definitely won’t.
She’ll instead be honest with you and tell you that she doesn’t love you. A mature girl will do this to kill your hope and to protect herself from your perseverance.
I know you think that she loves you and wants to be with you because you feel incredibly connected to her, but the truth is that she doesn’t feel the same way.
The connection you feel now that she’s fallen out of love is different from what she feels. You as a dumpee are in denial and feel a strong need for love whereas your girlfriend is detached or detaching and doesn’t feel as hopeful as you do.
She doesn’t feel pulled toward you because she doesn’t suffer from separation anxiety and worry that she’ll lose your love forever. Sure, she’s probably uncertain about the future, but she doesn’t suffer the way you do.
For the most part, she’s okay with being alone and is staying in control of her emotions.
As a result, she doesn’t feel the desire or the need to bond with you. She’s happy with the way things are at the moment because she’d been thinking about this moment for a long time.
Every recent argument or every unhappy moment she experienced, she wondered what it’d feel like to be single. This is why she now enjoys her freedom and independence and looks forward to a new beginning.
What do I do if she doesn’t love me anymore?
If your girlfriend doesn’t love you anymore, there’s nothing left for you to do. The relationship has ended and left you in pieces, so pick up those pieces and rebuild your self-esteem.
I know this is the last thing you want to hear because you’re looking for reconciliation hope ā something you could use to get your ex-girlfriend back.
But the unfortunate truth is that there is no magic trick that could help you get your ex back.
Begging doesn’t work, ex-back spells don’t work, text your ex back techniques are scams, the 30-day no contact rule is designed to give you hope and make you desperate, and fake breakup experts spreading misinformation certainly can’t help you either.
The best way to get your ex back is to make your ex actually want you back. And the only way you can do that is to do that which you least want to do.
Accept the breakup and go indefinite no contact.
That which we need the most will be found where we least want to look.
Carl Jung
You won’t like it at first because you’ll be in pain and will want your ex to take your anxiety away. But that’s exactly what makes the no contact rule so effective.
I don’t like calling this rule a technique because that would give the rule that psychological push-pull manipulation vibe.
That’s not what no contact is about. No contact is about healing from the breakup and getting yourself back. In the process, you coincidentally also give your ex wants she wants and help her process the breakup.
It’s a win-win for both of you as it helps you and your ex get what you want. You get to heal and your ex gets the space she requires.
You may think that you’ll always want your ex back because you’re in a lot of pain right now, but that may change soon.
A lot of dumpees want their ex back just because their ex broke their ego and not necessarily because their ex is the best for them.
So go no contact and wait in no contact for a while. You’ll probably realize that the reason your (ex)girlfriend doesn’t love you anymore is because a lot of things went wrong in the relationship.
Now that she doesn’t love you anymore, you’ve got enough time on your hands to figure out why she fell out of love. Was it because of something you did or didn’t do?
Did you both stop watering the relationship? Did she fall out of love because she stopped respecting and valuing you?
Something went wrong. And before that something is fixed, your relationship can’t endure another round of the same relationship dynamics. If the main problem in the relationship was you, take your time to fix it.
Work on it and grow from the breakup.
You’ll probably hear from your ex when she’s had enough time to process the dumper stages. So remain patient and keep improving yourself every day.
Your future relationship (whether it’s with your ex or with someone else) depends on it.
I hope you agree with what’s written on this page. Feel free to comment below.
Hi there,
I am feeling somewhat of a relief from this post but no matter what I read it what others tell me my heart doesn’t accept the fact I don’t want her back. I recently broke up with her and she tells me that she doesn’t love me and doesn’t want me back. She says she doesn’t have any feelings for her but she is ok to say that ” if you want I can stay as a friend nothing more”. I don’t know what to do whether I should stay as a friend or just stop to talk with her. My mind says stop talking with her but after some time I cannot stay like that and I want to talk with her. And also she ignores me a lot like not receiving calls, doesn’t reply to my text back, replies come back very late. I am in a very bad situation. I can’t focus on anything.
Please help me. Please suggest to me what to do. and also sometimes suicidal thoughts come to my mind and simply want to end my life. Our relation was around 3 4 years old.
Hey Zan. I really appreciate you for the article and thanks for being so precise and truthful. As each relationship is different as well as the situations, I wish to explain my situation and will like to get your point of view. I started dating this girl in January 2020. After just about a month she moved in with me. At that same time my ex abandoned my five year old daughter with me. At the beginning it was good but things started changing as she was becoming uncomfortable with my daughter. She fell pregnant but it was a level 5 lockdown so I decided we can’t keep it. The situation became worse so I broke up with her in August 2020. Started dating another girl and finally returned my daughter to her mom. Then realized the new gf was cheating so we brokeup as well and decided to go back to my ex of January 2020 in May 2021. So she moved in with me again. As they say things will never be the same. I have now fallen for her with everything I have. It’s now one sided. She doesn’t love me like before. She avoid sex. I proposed her she accepted. This other day she was drunk and said she will never ever love me again. I want to marry her but she lost feelings for me. Almost a month ago she went to visit her aunt with just a single dress and small handbag I thought it was for few days but she has been there for almost a month. The first week I became desperate started calling asking when she is coming back but she said she needed fresh air. So I had to withdraw and gave her the space. Then she told me she will be staying with her aunt but will come to visit we not breaking up and when I pay her bride price then she will move back with me. I’m very sure she is seeing other guys now . She told me she was coming but never showed up so maybe she doesn’t want to say it straight and wants me to get tired and do the breakup myself. The first days she went she was texting me as mylove now she no longer text me and can stay even two days without texting. I also do the same. She introduced me to her aunt and her aunt calls me her inlaw. I feel like I’m a doormat and she wants to test other waters out there as she knows she can come back anytime as she got the keys to the apartment. I’m heartbroken and just want to accept its over but need to know at this point should I just limit the contact and wait for her to come back or I should dump her. Thanks for reading and for any advice.
Hi Francis.
Unfortunately, your girlfriend has lost all respect for you. She has all the power in the relationship and will do whatever she wants. She knows you want her, yet she’s so underdeveloped that she doesn’t want to balance out the power.
The best advice I can give you, Francis is to run away from her. This person won’t love you because she’s immature and unwilling to make the relationship work. You just don’t mean that much to her, and I’m sorry to say this. But if you love yourself, you have to let her go and recover from this.
You’ll find someone who’ll give you what you’re looking for. I hope that you also work on your own shortcomings so that you don’t break up with the next woman when you lose a little bit of faith in the relationship.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi, I’m impressed with your guides however I haven’t seen one for my situation. I lied about my age and hid the fact I had a daughter for 7 weeks. Realised this was the girl for me, came clean then she cried, got angry, dumped me.
So how does a dumpee react from a short relationship which went like clockwork, full of passion, excitement, happiness, adventure, connection etc where the dumper dumped because they discovered a lie.
She doesn’t trust men as it is.
I text her saying how much I liked her, reasoned why I lied, said if you can forgive and handle the situation then we can go for a walk otherwise I wish you all the best.
She replied 4 days later saying she forgave but can’t keep seeing me as she would feel more hurt and me too and I should understand this. She also mentioned something that she heard wrong and wished me luck too.
So no contact? I was thinking correcting the mistake she made, provide comfort in the text then say if you change your mind let me know
Nope. You lied and she is the dumper. Nothing you can do now except indefinite no contact. It is up to her to revisit the relationship if she wants to. Nothing you do can change that. I am trying not to judge you, but If you knew she did not trust men, then why did you lie to begin with? Most people believe once a liar always a liar. How could you reasonably expect this woman would ever want to come back to the very thing she is insecure about? No contact is your only option as it is the only option for all dumpees in nearly all situations. I wouldn’t expect too much.
Hi Zan
Firstly I love your self growth direction of healing advice.
Nearly a month ago now my ex and I split up.
Relationship was better than good for us both, but unfortunately we hit some uncontrollable circumstances that pulled us in bad ways. After lockdown away from eachother I became very sick for months because of an illness and had to be on heavy medication and for those months my ex was amazing at caring for me. It hurt our physical relationship and made me miserable.
However she started university and I was still ill, the stresses of it all and my unmotivation and her anxiety made us struggle but we stayed as good as we could. I started to notice her pull away from me and in panic I tried to grasp back on but it was clearly doing the opposite effect. She said she felt suffocated and I agreed to give her some personal space, after a week of space (not really talking and no meeting so she could focus on work) we had a conversation where she said how she felt unhappy recently with us. I asked if she loved me and she said yes, ultimately led to me asking if she was still in love with me, she said she wasnt sure she was anymore and she was happy with space. We had a civil but upsetting breakup agreement and said we would go our own ways. Pretty much since ive been in INC so Im not sure how she is, im on a positive track in my life but space has made me realise things we both took for granted, and respect her care, I know the love drained but she still cared about my health to the last and Ill love her forever for that alone, Any productive or realistic advice for my forward journey? Anything that points more obvious problems from my story?
She left me, I rebuilt myself and created the most new life for myself. Now she hates me and suing me for alimony. She went through a new relationship that collapsed. So even if I am now happy and she is unhappy it does not mean we can get back together.
Such a good article! I get it how breakups dynamic works now… but needed so much time and work and reading articles of yours.
This part āThe relationship has ended and left you in pieces, so pick up those pieces and rebuild your self-esteem.ā Itās so strong and this is what all dumpee should do
Thank you Zan x
Thank you so much for this article. It is exactly what I needed to reaffirm my situation.
In previous relationships, I absolutely did not respect my exās feelings (not out of selfishness) but because I thought I was doing the right thing: to chase after them and show that I care very deeply for them.
I now realize this WAS incredibly selfish on my part. Iām ashamed of my actions but Iām also reaffirming that I learned very important life lessons and Iām a better person as a result.
Fast forward to my most recent relationship. We met December 2019. Things were wonderful. She is wonderful. She made me feel wonderful. And I can only hope that by her smiles I made her feel wonderful. Then Covid happened. Followed by lockdowns. Weeks and weeks went by without physical contact due to Covid fears. Then in early June, she expressed she cannot be in a relationship right now with all the madness… Maybe things will be different down the line. She was very sorry. I genuinely believe her and think she was sincere. I was obviously heartbroken, and still am, but I respected her decision and let her know Iām always here for her in whatever capacity, even just as a loyal friend.
Fast forward to today. As a result of previous mistakes from past relationships, I 100% have respected her feelings and decision. I have never reached out, begged, pleaded or made any contact. I deleted her number just so Iām not tempted. Iām approaching 6 months of no contact. Some days are harder than others. I think of her everyday.
But I focus, or try to, on one thing only: her happiness. All I want is for her to be happy. Whether thatās her happily involved in another relationship or whatever, I donāt care. All I know is sheās happier without me in her life, and while it sucks, itās not just about me… itās about her feelings, too. So this brings me happiness knowing Iāve been able to learn from past relationship mistakes and honor her request.
Iāll continue to focus on my improvements as Iāve grown and matured (weāre always growing if we choose to). And I will continue to reflect on the simple fact that if itās meant to be, it will work out. And if it doesnāt, it simply means something even better is on the horizon for both me and her. I keep reminding myself, itās not just about me and my feelings. Itās about her feelings, too.
Iām so grateful Iāve grown and matured enough to see this for what it is and to honor and respect her feelings. I know Iām a better gentleman because of it.
Iām so grateful for this article and for Magnet of Success. Thank you for keeping me on track with these wonderful articles and reaffirming that Iām doing absolutely the right thing for my ex and for myself.