When your girlfriend says she’s confused about you and displays signs of doubt, the cold truth is that your girlfriend’s been thinking poorly of you recently.
She’s been stuck in a cycle of negative thinking and has inadvertently developed thinking patterns that affected her feelings for you and damaged her ability to love.
This means that if the circumstances surrounding your girlfriend’s doubt don’t disappear fast enough, your girlfriend could lose her remaining loyalty for you and separate herself from you.
She could leave you behind and try to find happiness on her own or with someone else. It’s what people do when they’re overwhelmed with doubt.
They don’t look for ways to stop doubting their partner. Most of the time, they open themselves up to something new and fresh. By doing so, they distract themselves and ignore their problem.
So now that your girlfriend doubts you, whatever you do, don’t misbehave or do anything that could make her doubt the relationship even more.
Now is the time for you to prove your worth by investing in the parts of the relationship that need investing.
This post is for those guys (or girls) whose girlfriend says she’s confused about them and/or says that she doesn’t know what she wants in life.
My girlfriend says she’s confused about the relationship
Usually, it’s guys who say that they don’t know what they want in life. They use one (or more) of the typical breakup excuses and excuse themselves from falling out of love and leaving their partner behind.
And although guys who use white lies mean no harm, they know exactly what they want or rather who they don’t want in their lives.
They don’t want the person who knowingly or unknowingly makes them unhappy. This is why they say that they’re confused or that they need to fix or find themselves.
Girls, on the other hand, don’t use these excuses very often. They seem to prefer to say that they’re confused or that they’re not emotionally ready for a relationship.
It’s their way of letting the guys down gently.
So if your girlfriend said that she’s confused or anything along those lines, keep in mind that her feelings for you have disappeared for a reason.
She either hadn’t been receiving what she expected to receive from you or she merely perceived you in an inadequate way and thought she deserves more.
Personally, I can’t say what it is that your girlfriend is lacking in the relationship because that’s something only you and she can tell.
You spent time together which means that you have the insight you need. So reflect on the relationship – on the times when your girlfriend told you or showed you that she’s not happy and puzzle out why she’s confused about you.
Is it because you haven’t been spending time with her and neglected her? Could it be the opposite? Have you been too close/dependent on her and tried to control her and didn’t look after yourself enough?
Figure out her confusion by pondering on your recent mistakes. You might realize that the problem is with you and not her. In that case, you may still have enough time to break the pattern that’s making your girlfriend miserable and fix the broken dynamics in the relationship.
Of course, you can also talk to your girlfriend and listen to what she has to say about you. Healthy communication is essential—so you might want to converse with her as her boyfriend while you’re still her boyfriend.
Once that is no longer the case, there will be no more relationship talks. Heck, there probably won’t be any talks at all for a while, so try to repair what you can before it’s too late.
Assuming that you’re a guy, fixing things (your shortcomings and various problems) is in your nature. It’s in your blood to strive for improvements, so get to work immediately.
Aim to become the best version of yourself by working on your flaws.
As for your girlfriend, encourage her to stay open-minded so that she doesn’t worsen her perception of you and paint a dark picture of you.
Do so by sympathizing (not judging her) and show her that you can give her what she wants.
Figure out why she’s confused about you
Depending on whether your girlfriend is fully detached or semi-detached, you should concoct a plan based on what your girlfriend wants from you as well as the relationship.
For example, if you’d been disappointing her by drinking excessively, remember that your girlfriend has certain relationship expectations that she expects you to fulfill. She wants you to change unhealthy habits in your life so that you don’t drag her down with you.
If this is the case and you love yourself and your girlfriend, consider her confusion a warning. Take immediate action and find someone who can help you with your drinking problem.
Your relationship is at stake.
However, if you don’t know why your girlfriend says she’s confused about her feelings for you and your girlfriend doesn’t want to fill you in on the details, your relationship may not be salvageable anymore.
Your girlfriend’s unexpressed emotions may have turned into resentment, which is why she fell out of love and doesn’t see a future with you anymore. She’s given up on you and your ability to make her happy.
Again, I can’t tell you why this may have happened. But here are some of the more common reasons why she could be confused about you.
- your relationship became a routine
- you haven’t met her expectations
- she hasn’t been happy with herself recently
- she’s experiencing GIGS: the grass is greener syndrome
- she met another guy
If your girlfriend says she’s confused about you and refuses to cooperate with you, it’s extremely important that you don’t reason with her. She’s way past that point, so don’t beg and plead for her love and commitment.
If you do, you’ll give her exactly the opposite of what she wants and guilt-trip and pitty talk her into taking you back.
This will make you look weak and dependent on her—which is why even if she takes you back, your relationship probably won’t last very long.
It will probably fall apart at the seams due to a lack of love and respect for you.
So instead of smothering her and proving your worth in a desperate manner, take a healthier approach. Start following the indefinite no contact regimen and begin to work on yourself immediately.
Nobody knows if your girlfriend will notice your self-improvements efforts and fall back in love with you as a result. But you should work on yourself nonetheless whether she comes back or not.
The time in no contact is immensely valuable for you because it determines your personal and romantic success in life.
The more work you do on yourself, the better the long-term results. Take my word for it.
Here are 5 things you must do the moment your girlfriend says she’s confused about you.
When your girlfriend says she’s confused, she’s either in the process of falling out of love or has fallen out of love with you already.
To understand what she feels toward you, a normal conversation with her should give you the information you seek. Simply tell her that you know she feels confused and ask her if there’s anything you can do to help her.
Encourage her to open up to you by telling her it’s okay to confide in you.
If she refuses to do communicate, don’t push her. Tell her it’s okay and say that you’ll give her some time to think about it.
Upon saying that, start following the rules of no contact and wait for your confused girlfriend to get back to you when she’s ready.
When and if she wants to talk to you, she’ll let you know. She’ll reach out to you and tell you how she feels about you.
But until that happens, give her space and focus on yourself and your shortcomings.
Will your confused ex-girlfriend come back?
The return of your confused ex-girlfriend depends on multiple factors. The most important ones are:
- How badly you reacted to her need for space.
- What your ex thinks about you and how she feels toward you (perceptions and associations).
- Her stressors in life.
- Time and space.
Sometimes, absence after the breakup alone makes people discern their ex-partner’s worth. It helps them realize that they’ve made a reckless decision and that they no longer feel confused.
Dumpers who come to the realization that they miss their exes, start to experience separation anxiety. They hurt on the inside, hence they oftentimes come back very shortly after the breakup.
This happens to a small percentage of dumpers, meaning that most dumpers, unfortunately, don’t come back very quickly.
It usually takes something much more complex for confused ex-girlfriends to miss the dumpee. That something is stress or unhappiness that they encounter by going through the stages of a breakup for the dumper.
During these stages, dumpers discern their ex’s worth the hard way and find the incentive to invest in the relationship again.
The incentive is something that improves the dumpees’ romantic value.
How long does it take for a confused ex-girlfriend to come back?
Not a single soul on this planet can tell you how long it will take for your confused ex-girlfriend’s feelings to return. It can take her 5 days, 5 weeks, 5 years, or forever.
The truth is that if she’s merely confused about your ability to make her happy, she could come back very quickly. She could realize she’s making a mistake and come crying back to you in the span of a few weeks.
But if she attached negativity to your persona and now perceives you in a bad light, then she likely won’t come back any time soon.
She’ll have to experience life without you (for many months) and fail at something important before she looks for backup options and discerns that you’re her best option.
So if your girlfriend is still your girlfriend and she isn’t responding to you the way you’d like her to, I strongly suggest that you start losing hope in her.
Don’t wait for her love for you to magically reappear because your life is too valuable to put it on hold for someone who’s confused about you.
You deserve full commitment.
Besides, you’ve got better/more loyal people to think about such as your friends and family members who love you selflessly. So seek solace in them and get over your ex.
If it’s your first breakup and you really loved your ex-girlfriend, it could take you 2 years or even longer to get over her. You’ll probably struggle for a few months at first and blame yourself for the breakup.
Most dumpees do.
However, if your ex-girlfriend wasn’t your first girlfriend and you’ve been through heartbreak before, then your heart is stronger than you may think.
Although you may not feel it, it’s reinforced with a self-protective barrier that will help you get your ex-girlfriend out of your system in 8 months.
Is your girlfriend confused about you and the relationship? Do you still talk to each other or is she stringing you along? Post your relationship struggles below.
hey zan, im in a talking stage with a girl she used to have romantic feelings for me but she had got of a LTR with her ex of 4 years just 4 months ago and told me hes the reason she cant develop feelings for me but told me she can see a future with us and she wants me to stick around so our bond grows stronger and we could be more than friends *in the past we have had alot of intimate moments* <— just throwing it out there if it is important or not. she told me she doesnt have feelings for him but Bad feelings like anger and in need of closure and apologies because of the things her ex put her through and left her at her lowest time. but shes telling me shes getting better and im trying to stick around as a friend and i've set it clear to her that im planning on being more than a friend so im not just being used she told me . "yeah i get that i want us to be more too and i want that but right now i still need to heal because i cant get him out of my head" so what i've been doing as of now is staying good friends with her and trying to build a strong bond and hoping i dont stay in this friendzone so i have been giving her space and time to think about her feelings towards me and i have been giving her nothing but the best out of me and im there for emotional comfort and she told me im like the best friend she has around. she really doesnt talk to anyone nor does she has many friends shes EXTREMELY introverted. what do i do in this sticky situation? do i keep acting as a friend? do i keep letting time grow our bond? will she keep me in the friendzone? how can i get her to be attracted to me? how do i win her heart? how do i escape the friendzone?
Hi Jack.
It’s hard to predict the future. Do keep in mind that she could friendzone you and string you along for a while. She could stay your friend even after she’s healed from the previous relationship. The girl is emotionally unavailable at this moment. She can’t give you what you want, so don’t tell her you really want to be with her. Don’t put your expectations on her because you’ll scare her away.
You need to keep your hopes low and be prepared for the worst. Anything could happen. Make sure to take things super slowly and let her lead for now. She’ll invest more when/if she’s ready to.
Best,
Zan
Hi,
My names Javed, I’m from India.
I’m going through very hard times bcuz some days ago my girlfriend broke up with me by saying that we don’t have a future and then she blocked me on social media and she blocked my number too. I was very sad at that time, crying alot, thinking about her only. After 4 days she unblocked me on whatsapp. Then we started having conversation but not like we used to do before. Her response is kind of ignoring, she gives late reply’s. So one day I decided to talk to her about what is going on. She said she’s confused and need some time. what should I do know to make her love me again and be in relationship with me.
Hi Javed.
You need to stop communicating with your ex. She’s going through the dumper stages and won’t reciprocate your level of investment. Best to focus on yourself for a while.
Hang in there, Javed!
Zan
Hi Zan,
Could you please explain what it means when a guy write in his dating profile or introduction “I have a fantastic life and am in a good spot and do not need someone” Or “I am happy with my life and secure, just interested in talking”
Are they really so secure and good they do not want a partner? Or is this a way to say “I want a hook-up” or are they in denial that they really want someone but cannot admit it?
I have a situation where me and my gf go on and off. She is massive overthinker, deals with depression and stress. She has family issues and is constantly overwhelmed with things. We’ve talked about marriage, I’ve recently gotten her a promise ring. She goes into these funks where she cuts all ties from family and her relationship for a week or more. She’ll remove me from social media and not reply to messages. I trust her and know she’s loyal. During these funks she just focuses on her self. However she doesn’t commmunicate this. I can see when she starts to feel down and I can sense when she is about to go into these funks from overthinking. I haves spoken with her in 5 days. She always tries to end things prior to these funks and comes back as if nothing happened. I know some say it’s a game she plays, but I honestly believe she really feels overwhelmed with the stress. She tend to overthink that I may leave her, get bored of her, leave her if we marry. She has had very bad past relationships. I try and reassure her, but I know actions speak louder. We are also only able to see each other 1-2 times a week due to distance. But planned on becoming closer or live together by March.
So she recently cut ties and ended things. I know she will come back around eventually, but do I continue to wait? How do I approach this?
I’ve tried to talk things out with her, but sometimes we get sidetracked. I do know I may also come off as clingy which may overwhelm her as well.
Thanks for any advice
No doubt even in break up I still do love her. We dated for 10 years and 9 months. We had plans of getting married this year and when we confronted her parents (her parents knows me and she knows my parents to), about it, they told us they will get back to us. She is a Christian and a Muslim. Out of the blue after a month we talked to the parents, my girl told me she can’t continue again with us that she was told we can’t work out!!! Her mum didn’t even call my mum and explain or call me to explain. Everything was done by her…its her 3rd time now…and I didnt want her to go..i call and all and she stopped communicating with me entirely..we have never has an issue and we stayed complete 3 days not talking..i went on no contact for 6 days (cause everytime I reach out, I end up crying) and on the 6th day after she saw me online, she delete my number and private her last seen to be contact only (I know this cause she often check my WhatsApp Status). I relapsed and called her and talked and talked (ended up in tears). I needed closure from her and I was getting heart broken the way she was handling it like I wasn’t the one again…i knew her since 2009 and am proud to say that I never had any girl aside her all through..if am missing her too much (cause at a point due to our work, we are 10 hours away from each other), I call her and we phone sex. I was connected to her and I thought she was connected to me..now I am certain she is with another guy (cause when I asked her why she is acting all this way, she told me she is trying to be in another relationship and she prays it works out). I am certain cause the height at which she ignores me is like I am plague.
All my calling and texting and asking questions finally got me blocked ( for almost 10days) and I used my other number again to reach her, she does respond and later she blocked me again on it ( that was this week monday). When she blocked my other number, I decided to back off and respect my dignity. I deleted her number and decided to be me..just two days ago, I discovered that she had already unblocked me again all my numbers but she is not reaching out and I am not reaching out (I got to know cause I decided let me check since I know her number offhand).
Right now she is not texting me nor calling me and I always wish I could talk to her like we are not enemies you don’t have to treat me like this..through out we known each other, she never did any abortion for me, she never saw me cheated on her (in fact I hate her sad or feel that way), I sometimes get angry and mad at her cause of her non chalant acts to me…like she doesn’t care about me and when I bring it up, instead of her understanding me, she won’t and she says sorry without meaning anything. I analyed this all and have reading about break up. Right now, I am scared of moving on to another girl even when I am doing my best to be focus on me now and yet, I almost think about her every now and then and as to why she is acting so mean and detached to me..she broke up I didn’t ….i didn’t say I wasn’t gonna marry her she left me..
Have never been more confused than now…things are just unfolding in way I don’t get right now in my life
Less I forget, we went to the same university together, same department after school (compulsory youth service corps), we were also posted to the same state to serve and we were in the same platoon and same primary place of assignment.. All these makes me convince that God has hands in us…after service year, she got a teaching job while I was hunting for 3 years and in 2018, I got a job with health line..we talked about plans and all…i don’t know why it failed.
My going no contact, is it gonna attracts her back or at least feel.sorry for all.the emotional trauma I have been through. She seem to be dating someone else now and she seen happy in it too..
All of this is just cause am a Muslim….it is not fair! Am a Muslim and a human being too…the way she treats me is not fair
Hey Zan thanks for the Blog. I’m in a complicated scenario right now where my Girlfriend has been texting her ex for around a month. She denied this until I managed to confront her with clear evidence that she had been lying to me. Their relationship was complicated but very unhealthy and messed her up pretty bad. She’s admitted to still having unresolved feelings for him but maintains she knows our relationship is the clear choice. She says she’s confused and feels torn between the two of us. We’ve had a conversations about this and the last one left with me talking about how she shouldn’t be in a relationship if she can’t handle it and I’ll understand. Now I haven’t spoken to her in 3-4 days and she hasn’t reached out to me. She claims she needs space and time to think about things but I’m sure she’s reaching out to him in the meantime. What I’m unsure of is why hasn’t she just ended things with me? If she can’t help but text her ex why string us along? We have a great connection, amazing family relationships, and have had a blissful 6 months. But that all means nothing if she can’t get over her ex. I’m ready to end things with her but don’t feel like reaching out and am waiting for her to come to me. Why do you think she hasn’t just ended things already?
I was in similar situation like your gf. I started dating again months after breaking up contact with ex. I met a nice person that I was falling in love with. However, it happened that my ex started contacting me out of blue. Only then I relised I wasn’t completely over him. I knew I do not want to be with him and that is not possible. However, the feelings were still there, also affecting the current relationship negatively. The mistake is to keep the conversation with ex, itmakes feelings stay longer. I think she did not tell you the truth becuase she does not want to loose you. This is quite selfish. If I were you I would go about my business. Focus on yourself. As you wrote their relationship was unhealty so she will be there for you, she just needs time to deal with feelings. Honestly, in my case it took long, at least another half year till year until I was completely free of feelings to ex.
Insecure, immature, broken, and poor communicators are often the “confused” ones. These are people that are more likely than not damaged goods emotionally. You don’t want them in your life. At one point or another, they will start to drain you and impact you negatively. If they leave, let them.
So true. That was my experience when my GF of 5+ years started cheating on me and then dumped me last year. She gave me the, ‘I’m confused about what I want’ line, then bolted. Though we were together for a long period, she had other relationships before ours that all ended badly. I can’t say I was totally surprised when everything between us blew up. People are who they are and don’t change.
In one way or other I see that I couldn’t do anything as dumpee to change the way my ex saw me… this article it’s very important for me so thank you Zan ❤️
Hi Linda.
Your ex had painted a negative picture of you and lacked the self-awareness and willpower to do anything about it.
Stay strong!
Zan