The majority of dumpees miss their ex like crazy. They feel rejected, depressed, confused, and lonely and wish their ex would change his or her mind and take them back. They’re prepared to do almost anything to stop hurting and secure their future with their ex.
Some of them are so hurt they throw their dignity away and beg for another chance. Others, go no contact and play the long game by working on their shortcomings and ambitions and trying to showcase change and improvement.
Even though their ex isn’t interested in them, they’re willing to wait for months or in some cases even years to impress their ex and be with their ex.
Such dumpees hope that their ex hits a rough patch and realizes things were when they were together.
Sadly, many dumpees are willing to wait for their ex to meet someone else, fall in love, and fail miserably. Due to low self-esteem and high anxiety, they’re “okay” with waiting for their ex to realize their worth through failure.
As long as they’re struggling to love themselves, feeling incomplete, and missing their ex, they consider their ex the best person they ever dated (and ever will date) and hope their ex comes back to give them another chance.
They don’t understand that their relationship won’t work if it starts on their ex’s terms. Their ex already has all the power, so reconciliation with the dumper in charge probably won’t make the dumper accountable for his or her actions.
It will probably let the dumper have the cake and eat it too.
Dumpees need to understand that they need to give their ex another chance and not vice-versa. Their ex, on the other hand, needs to admit to making mistakes and learn to respect and value the dumpee. That’s how the dumpee and the dumper can start a new healthy relationship and grow together.
The main reason dumpees think about their ex obsessively and miss their ex so much it hurts is because of shock, grief, and rejection pain. Separation anxiety stops the flow of happy hormones in their brain and overfloods them with fears, conflicting ideas, and a sense of urgency.
Anxiety tells them they have a small window of opportunity to make a good impression on their ex before their ex moves on for good and meets someone else and/or gets serious with that person.
If you miss your ex so much you feel sick and you’re worried your ex will forget about you, you need to understand that nothing worse than a breakup can ensue. Your ex may start talking to other people, drinking and partying, and acting out of character, but your ex can’t ruin your future more than he or she already has.
Not unless your ex sues you and tries to ruin your reputation, but that’s a topic for another time.
Yes, you’ll get hurt if you learn that your ex is progressing through life, but that’s why you shouldn’t keep checking up on your ex. You shouldn’t ask people about your ex either because you’ll learn things that don’t concern you anymore.
Your job is to heal and stop missing your ex. To do that, you must identify the things that make you miss your ex and let your ex do what he or she wants. If your ex wants to party and date people, you must let your ex be in charge of his or her life and regain control over yours.
Nostalgia, fear, depression, and other unwanted feelings and mental illnesses will go away when you stop digging for information about your ex and learn to let go of control. Acceptance and self-love will stop making you feel that you need your ex to survive and give you something better to enjoy and look forward to.
Something like your hobbies, work, friends, family, and everyday things.
I know it’s hard to imagine not being with your ex in the future. Your feelings and obsession don’t seem to be getting any better and giving you a break. They probably feel as intense as they did when your ex broke up with you and showed you he or she didn’t want to be with you.
Pain makes it impossible for you to see yourself moving on and finding someone better than your ex. But mark my words that you won’t feel sad, anxious, and depressed forever. When you detach from your ex and gather the strength to see your ex for the person he or she is, your opinion of your ex will change significantly.
You’ll stop thinking that your ex is the only person who can make you happy and start thinking that your ex is the only person who can reject you, wound you, and disorientate you for months.
This shift in thinking will be a milestone for you as it will change you in such a way that you go from wanting to hear from your ex to wanting your ex to stay away from you.
When you prioritize your healing over your urge to be with your ex, you’ll know you’ve made enough emotional progress to love yourself more than your ex and your desire to receive validation.
Suddenly, your ex will lose significance in your eyes and turn into someone you needed to date to improve yourself and your self-esteem.
In this post, we discuss why you miss your ex so much you feel sick and what you can do to minimize your nostalgia and pain.
Why do you miss your ex so much you feel sick?
When I got dumped, all I could think about was my ex. I thought about her day and night and relived the breakup a million times. I imagined various scenarios where I could have prevented the breakup from happening and made my ex want me back.
I wasn’t just obsessed. I was delusional. Despite my ex dumping me coldheartedly and wanting nothing to do with me, I still wanted to be with her and fix the trust, respect, and love she single-handedly destroyed. My self-respect was nonexistent at the time, so I wanted to fix her problems for her.
It wasn’t until later (when I detached) that I realized she didn’t deserve my obsession and one-sided feelings. Like most dumpers, she thought about me occasionally, but it was nothing compared to my obsession with her.
Eventually, I realized I missed her so much not because she was special but because she showed no empathy and destroyed my relationship goals, self-esteem, and self-identity. She brought out my worst fears and made it extremely hard for me to love myself.
If you’re struggling to appreciate what you have and find meaning in life, you need to know that you’re missing your ex because your ex affected your direction in life. He or she knocked you off course and made you feel lost and confused.
You don’t know how to live your life with yourself and for yourself, so you miss your ex and the life you had as a couple. You’ll continue to miss your ex for as long as you crave your old life with your ex and the validation and purpose you received from it.
If you have self-esteem problems, mental health problems, codependence issues, and lack goals in life, you’ll miss your ex even more because you’ll consider your ex a person who gave you a sense of security. You’ll think of your ex as someone you used to rely on for various problems.
That will make you think that you’ve lost someone amazing and that you’ll never be happy again. The less independent and prepared you are for life without your ex, the more your ex’s departure will hurt you and make you miss your ex.
So if you want to know why you feel so hurt after the breakup, figure out what role your ex played in your life.
What did your ex do for you and how did he or she make you feel when you had obstacles to overcome? Did your ex provide financial, emotional, or physical support? If so, you’re missing your ex so much you feel sick because you over-relied on your ex for basic things in life.
You have to realize that your ex is unreliable and learn to count on yourself and the people who want the best for you.
Basically, figure out what part of your life you needed your ex for a bit too much and what you can do to be more self-dependent. When you improve that or those parts of your life, you’ll feel less dependent on your ex and enjoy your life more.
Also, know that it’s normal to miss your ex so much you feel sick. It’s especially normal to miss your ex to the point of vomiting and diarrhea for a week or two after the breakup. Many dumpees (including myself) couldn’t eat or sleep after the breakup because we overinvested in our ex and thought the world ended for us.
Overinvestment in a person (especially in someone who doesn’t invest back in you) often leads to devastating post-breakup effects. It makes you need rather than want to be with that person and causes you to think, obsess, and dream about him or her for months or years.
How long your ex is on your mind depends on how you grieve the breakup. If you constantly reach out to your ex and expect your ex to tell you he or she misses you back, you’ll put hope in your ex and wait for him or her to come back.
You won’t heal and regain your identity because you’ll do things that provide you with a false sense of control. Instead of letting go of your ex, you’ll intentionally stay close to your ex and delay your healing process.
You won’t get over your ex this way. You’ll just stay obsessed and feel sick. Every time you make a breakup mistake, your ex will drift further away from you and make you think you need to do something to win your ex back.
That said, here’s why you miss your ex so much you feel sick.
If you miss your ex so much that you feel sick and scared of losing your ex, bear in mind that you can’t lose your ex more than you’ve already lost your ex. You can’t lose your ex now that he or she is gone, but you can reduce the chances of your ex seeing your worth and coming back when life gets tough.
If you ruin your image and reputation, your ex will think you need him or her more than he or she needs you and will probably get scared. Fear of getting overwhelmed by you will keep your ex away from you and encourage your ex to look for new romantic opportunities elsewhere.
Your ex could download dating apps or keep himself or herself busy in other ways. There’s no telling what your ex will do if you appear needy, but you can be certain that your ex will stay away from you and find different things and people to focus on.
When you miss your ex so much you feel sick
You must remember two things.
- It’s never okay to act on your urges and desperation (it’s unattractive).
- Your ex doesn’t want to see that you care and feel nostalgic. Your ex wants you to accept the breakup (appease his/her guilt) and let him or her be in charge of his or her life.
As long as your ex doesn’t want you back, your ex expects you to keep your feelings to yourself and avoid asking for love or friendship. You must do what your ex wants or you’ll pressure your ex and risk bringing a negative reaction out of him or her.
This doesn’t mean you must be friends with your ex and give your ex relationship benefits for free. What I mean is that your ex wants space and respect and a chance to live life without you.
You must give your ex that chance by distancing yourself and finding a way to carry on without your ex.
When you miss your ex so much you feel sick, remind yourself that it’s normal to miss the dumper that much. It’s especially normal to be nostalgic if your ex is seeing someone else, giving you hope, and taking your hope away.
The more your ex’s departure affects your happiness and self-esteem, the more you’ll miss your ex and want your ex back for security purposes.
Instead of deliberately thinking about your ex, look for a way to distract yourself. Call a friend, play a computer game, focus on work, go to the gym, or do something that keeps you entertained.
Get busy whenever you miss your ex and eventually, you’ll stop missing your ex and feeling sad. If you follow the rules of no contact, you’ll get your strength back and wish you’d spent more time thinking about yourself and the people who matter to you.
So if you miss your ex a lot, remember that it’s only a matter of time before you recover from the breakup and fall back in love with yourself. When you feel secure within yourself and find your purpose, nostalgia will disappear and so will any lingering romantic feelings.
You’ll feel like yourself again and won’t care whether your ex misses you back.
Do you miss your ex so much you feel sick? What are you doing to address your feelings? Share your breakup plans in the comments below and we’ll respond shortly.
And if you want a quicker and more detailed response regarding your breakup and feelings, check out our coaching page and get in touch with us.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
I was devastated when my ex left me, but what hurt even worse was when she got into a relationship with someone else. That completely gutted me and made me feel sick beyond words can describe. She “officially” got with the other guy 5 months later, but I think he was in the picture before she got rid of me. Knowing she was with someone else made me totally obsessed, as I tried to find out all I could about this guy. I now know that this obsession was not good. I also know things that I wish I didn’t know. This also led me to believe that her life is so much better now that she got rid of me, her new bf is probably so much better than me, she happier than she has ever been with me, that they are doing all this fun stuff together, having sex constantly and that she is probably with him all the time. Common sense should tell me that this might not be the case, I can’t help but to think that way. Adding to those thoughts is the fact, I never heard from her again, just makes me believe this was the best decision she ever made.
It’s been almost a year now since I discovered she was with someone else and it still sickens me and makes me angry. The only good I got from it was that I don’t follow up on her or try to get any information about her, because I know that is only going to amplify my pain seeing that still is probably still with this guy and wondering if she is already living with him or having talks about plans to get married like she had with me. Again I know none of this to be fact, but it’s how I think unfortunately.
Even after over a year of no contact with her, I still miss her a lot and still wish she would understand how much I loved her and appreciated all I did for her in our 5 years together. She never even gave me a real chance to fix whatever she thought was wrong (yes, she never told me the reason for leaving). I still sit in shock thinking how easily she threw away all we had together, hurt me like no other had before, quickly move on to someone else. Worst of all she did it without a shred of regret or remorse.
God Ed, your experience is very similar to mine. I only discovered my ex is seeing a guy a few weeks ago. All the fears you mentioned are the same for me. I know I need to get to a point where I don’t care what she’s doing but I can’t seem to find the path. Nothing works. It’s agony 24/7. I wish someone could just say take this pill and you won’t care anymore.
John and Ed,
Closest I can relate to a similar pain you both mentioned and describe with your experiences was my 1st serious relationship when I was very young. So, I remember feeling similar about 13 and a half years ago. And the reason I remember this was because my ex-fiance was a liar, a controller, paranoid of other guys who were with me when I swear to God that I never cheated, and we had constant communication by phone calls or texting by every morning, afternoon and evenings. And I can go on, since we argued everyday unfortunately, it was not healthy.
Base upon my experiences, he ended up cheating on me three times, even his own mom caught him being inappropriate with one of the ladies because she told him that he was in a relationship with me. So many red flags as I recall and I rather not go on about myself but I can relate to this type of pain of betrayal and that the relationship became pointless, lost of trust because of his infidelity and blaming me and extremely harsh towards my family.
His lying didn’t help much and deflecting about his mistakes. My 1st ex was caught by his lies so his response was anger towards me and he said that I made him do it. I apologize for anything I did wrong to him. I knew it was over because our trust was broken. The arguing and the insults he expressed was exhausting. I can only apologize so much and did my best to return the engagement ring and his personal items. He never returned my personal items and he was not sorry, I owed him for what I did to him and he got married six year later with that woman I think but I don’t know and I don’t care to be honest. I just hope his email was not seen by his wife for what he said to me…
He was a two-face with those he was closest to and a big time flirter with other women who gave him physical affection. I can no longer look at social media and video chats the same again after what I experienced, but I know I made the right decision to stay away from his mental abuse and his poor character of a man. He does not reflect what a gem of a man is and he does not speak for all the men out there in this world. I had met good men in my life. I just know if I every have another opportunity for a new serious relationship, it won’t be abusive and a lack of loyalty again.
So, the point I meant to say, and it is not easy to accept nor maybe to hear. Your ex-girlfriend(s) had most likely been seeing another man or seen other men quietly in the background for a good while. Until they found someone else better in their eyes.
It is not right and does not justify their actions nor excuses for how they handle their doubts or a lack of security or for whom their character is to monkey branching and infidelity tends destory what your relationship was if it was meant to be exclusive.
The pain is legit and real, especially if you and Ed were the serious ones in the relationships. Everyone is different for how long this pain and agony will last. I don’t know when it will end for you and Ed but I pray it will be soon once you accept that you deserve to be with someone who genuinely is there for you. Someone who respects for whom you are, is real teammate, and can communicate through the difficulties of life, differences, understand each other and find common ground and genuine support no matter how difficult life hits at times. Frankly, they are suppose to be your best friend, one you can trust and rely on and not worry about what you experienced. It should be a healthy flow, possibly natural, maybe the cliché that you just know they are meant to be with you and you cannot explain it but you just know.
I know it doesn’t come close to feeling this right now when you are in pain. One day, be glad you are no longer with someone who is disrespectful and in time this becomes easier to move forward with your life. Hopefully you continue to learn and enjoy life by yourself, try to pursue your passions, exercise, talk to your loyal guy friend(s) or a relative who are there for you, no matter what happen. Journaling can help alot too if you are able to or maybe a thepriest. Someone is going to care about your pain, but make sure you take good care of yourself first the most. Just be very patient with yourself, mourn or get that pain out in a healthy matter like the gym or running/walking/biking or think of a hobby you love to do. Take time to heal yourself and keep improving yourself. Even if that is another few months or a year, maybe years until that pain isn’t painful anymore.
I cannot explain it well but overtime it no longer hurts and you become happier one day. I know I am very happy without my 1st and 2nd relationships because we were not compatible. Someone else could be out there when you are truly over your ex(es) and be ready for a new relationship. That is if this is your desire of course, and if not then that is OK too! Just focus on yourself for now.
I am truly sorry John and Ed because it was not right for what you both went through but try to reflect, realize you were the ones running around with other partners and take the time to heal the pain you have. However way, in a healthy way. I would not recommend rushing to a new relationship to help forget or distract if you feel the loss and pain still. You want that to become to a point when you are indifferent about it one day. Not saying you both are, I am clueless. I know it gets better one day so be patient with yourself because it does takes time to have reduced pain about an ex. Losing that hope that you thought was a relationship to work on is a legit pain.
Take care John and Ed.
Kindly,
Elaine
I am truly sorry John and Ed because it was not right for what you both went through but try to reflect, realize you were not* the ones running around with other partners and take the time to heal the pain you have.
Sorry, I am terrible with cellphones. I meant to say you were not the one cheating. I wish I could edit a comment but I wanted to correct my statement.
Sincerely,
Elaine
Thank you Elaine for your words of support. I sounds like you truly grew and learned from you past experiences for which I commend you on.
I have to get to the point where she no longer takes up space in my head because she deserves nothing from me especially after all I gave her in 5 years. I gave her all I could and she basically spat in my face and said in not so many words, I wasn’t good enough for her and she could do better and hence she moved on. I am almost certain she only kept me around until she found someone else and once she did, she couldn’t get rid of me quick enough. She impulsive, selfish and lacks common sense and I hope one day she will see what she threw away with me. I’m not perfect, but I gave her my best, even though I made mistakes along the way.
I know I am ready to find someone else and if I could find that someone, I could completely forget about my ex and close this difficult chapter of my life. So far, I have had no luck, I have been on a few dates and nothing comes out of them. It just seems, I like them and they don’t like me or vice versa.
My ex did the wrong and quickly got someone in her life again. I just don’t understand how she deserves that for her actions. I was the one wronged and I feel like I am the one who is getting punished for these actions. I only hope one day the scales of justice tip back to my side.
Hi Ed, I’m in exactly the same situation and I fully understand. Healing is important and I think after I discovered answers that my ex was with someone else within weeks after my break up – a year on after no contact (I asked him why he left and this is how I found out) learning this information as you had said made me lose my self esteem even more.. learning that he’s a father but still recently messaged me to tell me I work with another ex- of his.. totally crushed me. I understand the pain but I think what Zan said is right – what positive does this person add to your day to day.. I really want to get off my chest how I feel and how angry I am but I can’t .. and I feel stuck as I don’t really want to date anyone because I’m scared I’ll never find love or be treated well
Hi A,
Seeing how they can get with someone else so quickly without a doubt kills almost all self esteem. I thought my ex dumping me was the worst feeling in the world until that day I discovered she was with someone else. Just knowing she had not one shred of regret in what she was doing is what made it all the harder to accept. I could imagine all the posts she has on her social media of the two of them and her probably bragging how great her life is now with him. It still amazes me after all I did for her especially when she was going through the roughest times of her life, how it was so easily forgotten. She only was with me because she got what she wanted from me and when the time came I finally couldn’t give her what she wanted, I was discard like trash. There was never any true love there because if you truly love someone you accept them for them, not what they could do for you. I truly loved her and that is why to this day it still hurts and it has been the worst heartache I ever felt.
I’ve been trying to date, but I they are few and far between. The few I get end up in disappointment. I haven’t found anyone who is close to making me feel what I had for my ex. I too fear that I will never have the happiness and love I had. It just depresses me more at times, because I know I deserve it and I know I deserve it more than my ex, but yet she has someone and I am all alone struggling.
Hi Ed,
That is very painful for what you discovered and was aware of what she did to you. Sounds like she was already had or was looking for a backup. Sometimes the person we were with for a long time, speaking in a year between many years such as yours was five, they take their relationship for granted and take advantage for the materialist and some emotional/physical security until they find someone better but still sounds like she had someone else for a while which I doubt she even informed them they were with you too. Usually the people who have backups are monkey branching or they are seeing two or more people to find a ‘mate’ for life might have very little remorse or no remorse of the broken relationship. They only cry or get super defense (angry) when they get caught in the act or the lie is exposed when you both are talking to each other.
So, usually the relationship they leave behind, they had no major loss because as you said, they got what they wanted from you and now they jumped to their other relationship or new one that you just learned. Sometimes the guy or lady has no clue they just agreed to someone who secretly treats relationships like instant gratifications until something better comes along. Worse is the new guy or lady does know but then they might think about and realize this will happen to them too! So jokes on the new guy who is with her because her new guy and her might be happy now but the new guy may get it more worse overtime. These type of people usually don’t mature fast enough or they are stuck in the past, repeat the same thing they do to people and have not matured yet.
So, the pain you speak of is very understandable. How can someone easily toss a five year relationship with you? I don’t know because I can not fully understand anyone who does this, but the impression I get is this person uses others to make themselves happier because they are not happy with themselves. They tend to have their own self-esteem issues and it shows overtime or for others it is too obvious. Yes, it is OK to have support from others but it is also better to know yourself well and have the self-assurance of being comfortable with yourself and alone too.
The issue for those who were hurt and do not have the support system tend to suffer more because that pain of being let go and replaced the next day, is very painful. This is why I don’t try to find out whom they were with unless they are busy prounacing around in public about it. And if it is Facebook (Meta), Instagram, and uh whatever people use to show off their new relationship to try to convince everyone how quickly and happy they are in a new relationship. [Yes, my 1st ex did this too]. They are insecure, possibly busy trying to play victim and/or super happy like nothing happen.
I hope they are not trashing your reputation like my ex did. It worked back in the old days in Facebook but then anyone was prone to get fired from their job if being verbally rude and harassing someone.
Showing off as quickly as possible by using a social media app is sad they have to do this, maybe often, and to try to make themselves feel better.
Not saying everyone does this because I know not everyone is jumping relationship to relationship when broken up and goes show it off the next day. Seems like anyone who goes through a break up by 1-6 months might need more time to heal.
Even I needed time, took me roughly 7~8 years to heal completely from my first, and yes I did try to date too. Most of my dates were 1 times dates, rarely 2 dates, and I never found someone because as you said Ed, I was interested more but they were not interested of me and vice versa.
My 2nd relationship I had to heal from this too, it has been over 2 years. Maybe some don’t count it because it was brief but it meant a lot to me at the time and I placed majority of the effort since I was ready but he was not. And my pain was anger for what he did to me but I did not want to blow up on the phone nor his face. It is not right so I had to mourn and move forward. His actions spoke loudly anyway and I am sure he was OK. He had friends, and his family so I know he was OK. My life was too busy with college, caregiving my dying grandma, my job, and had to drive and help other relatives anyway. I barely had time anymore except enough time spare brief times to reflect by myself for over a year and a quarter until we talked to each other again. That is how I knew what he wanted. We were adults about it but it was painful for me but I pay attention and listened. I wished him the best because I wanted him to be happy, prosperous, and healthy.
So, it is true that it is a two-way responsibility for why a relationship fails but I don’t think it is a competition who did what worse to each other. It’s better to let go when you know it is not going to work, forcing something that does not have enough in common core values, beliefs, and how one acts to each other.
And those who are not honest when they have a backup relationship are not worth fighting for unless you both are on the same page and healed a lot. Assuming both sides have grown and matured and acknowledge what went wrong and are not repeating such offenses. Yes, no one is perfect because we are humans. One needs to find someone who is truly ready for a relationship, despite it feels like the super market at times and one keeps getting placed back onto the shelf over and over again. It takes a lot patience, effort, much endurance and accept rejections are going to occur. Maybe more often what does not work out, until it makes one doubt. Just cannot give up easily because we all have one life to live. So make the best out of it.
The point is, despite how painful it was that you were tossed to the side easily and replaced by someone new. It can be a blessing for you in the long term because that new person might get it much worse when your ex had not likely learned anything from their own mistakes and they will repeat the same behavior, actions, and possibly backup once again when they find someone else better, again. That can be quicker, or many years. It can be five or ten years again, and if they get married oh boy. Makes you glad that it was not you because shows their character, or in other words their true colors are showing. I mean sometimes the real self does not show up right away to someone until they get comfortable with you. I think this varies a lot though how quick or how much later that is. I never seen it the same pace per person to be honest.
Ed, your pain is real and it is a process. Somehow you will be able to endure and accept it and less thinking of of your ex when it no longer hurts. I know it does not go away fast enough, even when you are keeping yourself busy and trying again in the dating spectrum. I do assure, one day it will not be painful, and you will be glad it did not work out.
I think of it this way too at times. However one treats others, will be treated in return. So, what comes around, goes around. Some of us might remember the golden rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
So, your ex will be treated the same way. It does not matter how it happens nor when it happens because hopefully by that time you have moved on. It’s not a revenge state of mind and one should not care by then, how someone treats other is bound to have similar reciprocation or possibly a more worse outcome. Even if that is decades later while you moved on and have some else better or you have improved yourself so much that it just won’t matter.
It may not seem like it because your ex had to show it off on social media, so I suggest you get rid of your social media connections. Block all of her communications and whatever social media you both had until it doesn’t hurt you anymore. Does you no favors if you can see what she is posting and is too busy trying too hard to be happy with the social media spectrum. You have to take care of you.
So, I hope one day you will have lessen painful ex memories in of your head. Lessen memories that wonder about her and hopefully it just turns into a calm state and just happy with yourself. I get it because it is not easy to forget the pain and no you are not going to forget them but it does lessen a lot over time. I wish it was quicker but it is going to be time so this is where healing yourself to forgive yourself and her helps the most even if that takes a longer time with her. And I hope you find that special lady out there. Be kind to yourself and take good care.
Kindly,
Elaine
Hi Elaine,
I’m don’t know anything for certain, but I do think she just got this guy lined up shortly before she dumped me. She is very impulsive so I can see her thinking in a matter of no time get rid of me and get with him. She didn’t go public with him on FB until about 5 months after dumping me. I believe she did that to give the appearance she wasn’t cheating or monkey branching. She was with me most of the time so there wasn’t really any way she was carrying on with him especially since he lived over an hour away from us. I think she had an emotional affair with him and once she knew she had him reeled in, she couldn’t get rid of me quick enough. That also explained why she quickly moved up to that area. She probably moved about 2-3 months after dumping me. After I discovered who this other guy I was I noticed he started liking her pics and posts on FB going back to around the time she dumped me and changed her status to single on there.
The one thing that angers me the most was about 3 weeks after she dumped me, her co-worker called me from her phone to tell me she was being rushed to the hospital. I dropped everything, left work and raced to the hospital to be at her side. I truly thought this was a sign from above and this would show her how deeply devoted to her I was. I even had her mother calling, begging for me to get to the hospital because she was an hour away. But she just used me to hold her hand at the hospital until her mom got there. That day I took her home and the first thing she said to me in the car was “This changes nothing between us.” I couldn’t believe it, she used me and I’m sure her mother was the one that told her to call me. Her mother is a wretched person, only thinks about herself and the more she gets, the more she wants. Her mother should be proud because her daughter has turned out to be just like her. I never thought she could be like this, but it was almost like an instant transformation the day she dumped me.
Nothing hurt me more though than the day she changed her profile picture on FB to one of her and him and he did the same thing on his page as well. They both did it at the same time. It sickened me to no end and then he liked her profile pic change while she LOVED his. I just wanted to go through the screen and punch her in the face. That is how much anger I felt, but under that anger was the last pieces of my heart being destroyed. To add insult to injury, her mother then had a comment “What a happy looking couple.” At the time this happened, she already unfriended me from FB so I couldn’t see much else, I guess that was a blessing. From there, I vowed I am never going to look at her FB again because I don’t need to added pain and anguish. That was almost a year ago and I have get my promised. I don’t try to find out any info on her at all. I get urges from times, but I suppress them. I never made one comment about her and her new relationship, I never tried to reach out, I didn’t do anything, I just let it go, even though it ate away at me like a cancer. It also makes me feel like garbage because she had someone else and I had no-one. As far as I know, she is still with him, but I couldn’t tell you for sure. In my head they are still together, she is happier than she ever was and she I bet is planning to move in with him or has so already. I know he had a nicer house than mine and that’s the one thing she wanted that I couldn’t give her. I was trying to find us a new house, in the 2 years previous to our breakup, but the hunt was not going well considering Covid and other factors. I couldn’t find a house to suit our needs. This was the primary factor she left. This guy already has a suitable house for her and her son so I am sure she will clamp on to him for dear life as she could never get a house on her own.
I always dreamed of the day she would reach out, tell me she was sorry for what she did and tell me what a mistake it was to leave me. 16 months later, I hear nothing but silence. That kills my self esteem as well. It’s like she is saying to me leaving you was the best thing I ever did and look at how great my life has become since I dumped you. If I saw her again though I don’t know if I would grab her and hug and tell her how much I love her or spit in her face and tell her how much I hate her for her selfish actions and for ruining my life. I am so conflicted over how I am supposed to feel. This was a person that I loved more than anything in the world, but this person obviously didn’t feel the same way as she betrayed me and didn’t even try to communicate with me that she was falling out of love with me. I just can’t take her off that pedestal it seems. I still miss her dearly and I still haven’t found one person who could replace her. I should be over all this by now, but yet here I am droning on and on for about the millionth time. People who regularly read the posts on the great site probably are sick of seeing my comments.
I truly appreciate your kindness Elaine and the time you take to message. You are a very good person and I hope nothing but the best of things for you.
Hi Ed,
Aha, OK. If she was that type, still not quite shocking base upon what you have said about her so far. She seems to have low qualities of honesty, loyalty and in general commitment. Hence this is why it hurts you the most I think, some people don’t care what they had and looking for something better. Sounds like you had been seeing brief moments of who she truly was until she found someone else somehow. I mean, this is what caused my 1st ex to do, he briefly met a woman in a church and they connected better together while our relationship was faltering. I had no idea of course he was being emotional intimate with her at the time. So, I am guessing your ex-girlfriend may had met this guy somehow (no idea of course) and something might of clicked quickly for her. So, emotional affair is always possible as you said. Doesn’t make it right regardless what she doubted about it between you two because any affair is very damaging, emotional and/or physical affairs.
Wow, that is wrong how your ex handled her hospital situation. She had no right to use people to call you after you have been broken up 3 weeks ago. She used your emotions, I think she knew cause its a form of manipulation. Some of us women have such a power over men when we may be aware of, sometimes not but have to be very absent minded, and are aware who are willing to rescue us. I am not saying all of us do this for ill intentions, but at that time your ex knew what she was doing there. It was a selfish moment and she caught you by the hook, line and sinker because she knew you would do anything for her. I mean, you were the one who was let go. She very much knew what she was doing. For selfish reasons and at the end, this did hurt you a lot. Who would not be hurt by this? I guess a fool if I were honest.
I am sure her mom, and co-worker did not help with their influences either. Otherwise, your ex-girlfriend is an adult, right? Your ex is still fully accountable for what this stringing you along commotion was to do, to use you until she did not need you anymore. I suggest to be careful with these type of women, not saying all of us are this way, but when a woman manipulates a man’s emotions so easily for the sake of helpful convenience until it is no longer needed. Maybe they know how to woo but be ungrateful for it.
I am sorry she did that to you. You had good intentions but you had zero obligations once you both were broken up. She had no reason to contact you regardless she was in the hospital. Not saying you are heartless person because you did meant well. You both were done with the relationship. No longer was it your responsibility to take care of her, and she had no legit reasons nor her mom nor the coworker to contact you for your help. Some people are users, and sounds like she was one of them. I understand you had good intentions but she was very ungrateful for it which I am sorry you experienced that. I think you better off without her now. She will repeat these actions with anyone else.
Worse is she sounded like she was using you for a providing a home. And since it did not meet her standards, and I am guessing she wanted something more for her son too.
And I understand about, a dream, to be apologized for what was done wrong to you. I don’t think she is matured and not as amazing as she sounds to be. She is a user and she seems to lack of own self-esteem issues and it showed how she treated you. And it is understandable with the conflict you feel about loving her or yelling at her for what she did to you if you ever see her again in person. If did see her again, it is best to ‘ignore’ despite it might be painful and for your sake to stay away and move on. You tried to show your love by action but she did not.
I was once asked by this when I had made a difficult choice to either stay or end my 1st relationship. “Why do you choose to love someone who does NOT love you for YOU?”
And, it is more difficult when someone lets you go without remorse and without an explanation and not wanting to work at it. It would be painful for a long term relationship, just unfortunately you got hurt the most. You deserve more respect with what you did. However, being with someone who does not give you any respect is going to hurt a lot. She had lost it overtime and I have no clue why because everyone has different reasons and I don’t know her, she can only answer that herself but you had time to reflect this too. Otherwise, once a woman loses respect to her man, the relationship needs a repair or it is going end overtime or soon.
Worse is when there may had been signs or small inklings that something was off but one cannot confirm it unless you asked. It is easy to not see clearly when you are doing your best to show your love by action, but do pay attention for any reciprocation by words and actions as well. Words are easy to say but actions need to match it too, not in a hurry or count how many times who did what for each other. If the actions are slowing down, too different or is it empty then something is off. Something might be wrong. I know it is hard though when one is trying to show their love in some way and it is so easy to miss these.
As I said before, you are better off without her. I imagine it is hard to take her off the pedestal, but she is human and did a huge disservice for handling your relationship. Especially, when you two were broken up for 3 weeks and the gall have a way to contact when she made her choices to end it. I know you did not want it to end, so it is fair to be tempted easily and it is sad she got you there. I am sorry for it truly because it was not right. My apologizes mean nothing because it not really I, it is just I am sorry you had a woman you knew what she did and she got something out it while she dispose the relationship already.
Be wary of users, because they don’t have much remorse. It happens to both sides and it is frustrating to see it continue to happen often. Yes, I really hope you let that ex-girlfriend go out of your head someday when you are healed. It will take time to recover, as I said way too many times and I know it doesn’t take any of that pain away for you right now.
I do suggest some form of workout or exercise when it comes to the punching feeling. Trust me, I been there myself! Except, my experiences was a bit more pathetic by how I exercised, but it does wonders for the body and the mind. It helps release some of your frustrations and your pain in a healthy way. The more you do some type of activity that helps release the pain and anger, the better you don’t have this accumulated suffering, pile up, inside of you. Of course, it just one idea. May a hobby you love too and focusing on work or whatever else is important can help distract for a certain amount of time too.
And it is no problem Ed. I understand the pain you been describing regardless we had different times, different experiences, and different outcomes. I guess I am the bad one here because I was the dumper with my broken relationships but I can assure I did NOT have anyone else like some dumpers seem to do. I was on my own with the loss and had to work on my own accountability. I had to own it and apologize for those who got hurt. Rushing to a new relationship does not help anyone and I refuse to hurt anyone else with my baggage. It is better to be ready and continue to improve one self anyway. And well, I been dumped before too, but shame on me for the second time. I guess some or most dumpers usually do the jumping relationship to relationship, and it is disgusting by my perspective. I don’t like anyone breadcrumbing and if it the dumpee then hopefully they are ignoring the dumper for their sake. I have seen this in person too with some relatives and at least one friend.
I am sorry your ex took you for granted. You deserve better and I hope you get that time to fully heal and be happy again without her. Ed, I know you are a good person too and you just need that time too as well. It is OK how you feel because you are human as much as I and everyone else here. Just know you can do better, you are trying and keep at it for the self-healing and find the good things in life. It is easy to forget when broken hearted which is what you are going through. And it is more hard when you feel worthless. Know you can get out of this way of thinking and overtime it will get better. A lot patience with yourself and hopefully the next lady you can connect with does a much better reciprocation by her words and actions.
A genuine relationship should not be as what you experienced from your previous relationship. Again, you deserve better and in due time your ex will be minimized in your head. I truly wish you for the best, Ed.
Kindly,
Elaine
Hi John,
It’s very hard to find that path and not care what your ex is doing. I’ve been trying for some time now. It has gotten better, but there isn’t a day that doesn’t go by where I don’t think of her. What blows my mind, is they do us wrong, but instantly get a new relationship, while we are left alone in the aftermath. They do wrong and are rewarded, we are the victims and get punished. Where does that make sense? If only there was a way to forget them, because they don’t deserve our thoughts of them.
Hi Ed.
Try not to think about her behavior. That is easier said than done, but try to avoid thinking and doing things that make you angry and depressed. If you avoid being reminded of her, you’ll create patterns that keep her out of your mind and heart.
You’re already doing so much better. You just need to stay away from her for a while longer to process the breakup fully and find meaning in other things and people.
Sincerely,
Zan