Updated on July 25, 2025
If it’s been days, weeks, months, or even years—and you’re still thinking about someone who walked out of your life, you’re not alone. Many dumpees obsess over their ex long after the breakup. Those who talk to their ex, hang out, or sleep with their ex obsess even longer as they continue to remind themselves what they lost and reopen their wounds.
Every time they see their ex, they tell themselves their ex is the best person they ever dated and feel hopeful about being with him or her. Hope may empower them, but it also forces them to stay hooked on a person who stopped valuing them and wanting to be with them.
Whether you’re chasing, refusing to let go, or keeping your distance and working on detachment, it will take a while to let go completely. Getting over an ex isn’t as simple as flipping a switch. It’s not always logical, and it rarely follows a predictable timeline.
Most of the time, it requires physical and emotional distance from the dumper, followed by therapy, journaling, exercising, a strong support system, and a lack of information on the dumper. The less the dumpee knows about his or her ex’s post-breakup life, the quicker he or she recovers emotionally and regains his or her zest for life.
Breaking an attachment, letting go of feelings, getting rid of hope, improving self-esteem, regaining identity, and healing from rejection, abandonment, or perhaps even replacement takes time. You can’t recover from it in one day because it took weeks, months, or even years for you to get so attached and not see yourself with anyone else. It took a lot of effort, emotional investment, and time to fully welcome your partner into your life, so it’s only natural that it will take time and work to detach and start seeing yourself as your main source of happiness and fulfillment.
You’re not weak for getting attached and struggling to get over your ex quickly. You’re brave for allowing your ex into your heart and having a trusting relationship because of it.
If you hadn’t let your ex in, the relationship would’ve likely ended much sooner. You might not have felt as rejected, unwanted, or hurt—but you also wouldn’t have felt loved. The connection would’ve lacked depth and likely felt more like a friendship than a fulfilling romantic relationship.
So don’t regret falling in love with your ex. Pain or not, you gave romance a chance because you believed in it. You felt connected with your partner and desired a mutual, long-lasting relationship.
There’s nothing wrong with that. Strong people develop feelings, whereas insecure, fearful, or traumatized ones avoid them. They avoid falling in love due to the fear of losing control and getting hurt.
You’re probably frustrated with yourself for still caring about someone who stopped caring a long time ago. You’re irritated that healing’s taking so long while your ex is already fully healed and seems to be doing better than ever.
Don’t worry about your ex, and don’t compare your healing to his or hers. How your ex is doing emotionally is irrelevant. Dumpers do better than dumpees simply because they’re dumpers. They have no feelings or rejection pain to process, so they move on immediately and appear unfazed. Unlike dumpees, they have plans that don’t involve their ex and can start a new serious relationship if they want to.
Dumpees, on the other hand, feel stuck. They think about their ex obsessively, cry uncontrollably, dream about their ex, engage in self-blame, and look for hope and reasons to hold on to their ex. Initially, they’re in denial and want their ex back to recover from pain. They don’t realize that they’ve put their ex on a pedestal because of the breakup rather than the positive traits and behaviors he or she displayed throughout the relationship and during/after the breakup.
If you can’t get over your ex, no matter how hard you try, I welcome you to the dumpee club. Here, dumpees spend the majority of their time analysing the breakup and wanting their ex to take them back. They’re unwilling or incapable of letting go and falling in love with themselves.
To let go, they must first learn to accept the breakup the old-fashioned way – by getting busy, working on themselves, and devaluing their ex in their eyes.
I understand why you’re becoming more and more impatient with healing. You’ve read tons of advice, done the no contact, talked to friends and family, and maybe even dated new people. Despite all that, a part of you remains stuck in the past. It keeps reliving the breakup and feeling miserable because of it.
The breakup brings out a level of pain you never thought possible and makes you wonder why you can’t let go of your ex, even though the relationship is over. Pain constantly reminds you that you lost something important and that you need to regain it.
Let me remind you that you don’t need your ex to recover. You can heal from heartbreak by getting closure without contact. That means you can find a reasonable explanation for the breakup and accept it. Accept it even though your heart clings to hope and desires validation from the person who wounded it.
You can and will get over your ex. It might take longer than you’d like, but if you handle the breakup properly by shutting your ex out of your life and focusing on yourself, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t get over the dumper. You’ll get over your ex as long as you follow the rules of no contact and let your ex think, feel, and do what he or she wants.
If your ex wants to date, let your ex date. You don’t have control over your ex’s thoughts and actions. You must accept your powerlessness and focus on things you can control. Things like your friendships, family, hobbies, interests, beliefs, maturity, self-love, distractions, and overall happiness.
By focusing on anyone but your ex, you’ll slowly but surely get over your ex and find joy and purpose without your ex.
This article isn’t here to shame you for missing your ex and being attached. It’s here to help you understand why you’re craving your ex and what you can do about it.
Why can’t I get over my ex?
First of all, it’s completely normal to desire your ex months after the breakup. Breakups can be incredibly painful—especially when you’ve emotionally invested in your ex and envisioned a future together. Like it or not, you’ve become attached to your ex (which is expected). You haven’t just developed expectations of your ex and made your ex responsible for your happiness, but you also lost your identity, emotional safety, and purpose.
Your brain and heart are still programmed to think of your ex as important, even though your ex is no longer around.
Present or not, you formed an emotional bond and can’t instantly “unform it.” Getting rid of the bond immediately is impossible. Only people who fell out of love weeks before the breakup can move on without addressing their feelings. That’s because such people have nothing to address. They’ve already processed the loss of their ex before their ex even broke up with them.
You, on the other hand, haven’t. You were likely blindsided by the breakup and forced to pick up the pieces of your shattered self-esteem. Because you had no intentions of going your separate way, you now need to heal the long and hard way – the way most dumpees heal.
This includes confronting the thoughts in your head and holding your ex accountable for his or her role in the breakup. If you take all the blame, you’ll feel guilty and put yourself through emotional hell.
It becomes unhealthy when you idealize your ex as a flawless person who deserves unconditional love and admiration. Your ex doesn’t deserve any more love and respect than you do. Together, you were equally responsible for maintaining the relationship.
If your ex stopped investing in it and left, possibly for someone else, then the responsibility lies with your ex. You mustn’t blame yourself for your ex’s negative thinking, detachment, and monkey-branching. Self-blame and negative thoughts cause immense damage to your self-esteem and detachment. They constantly remind you that you might have been able to stay with your ex if you were more self-aware, smarter, stronger, and more communicative.
The truth is that you weren’t capable of being the person you’ve become or are becoming as a result of the breakup. Back then, you weren’t thinking about any of this stuff. You were focused on things that needed your attention the most.
So don’t blame yourself entirely. Make sure to also hold your ex accountable for his or her mistakes, shortcomings, and improper behavior. That way, you’ll stop idealizing your ex and get over the breakup sooner.
Don’t be bitter and vengeful either because extreme anger will keep your ex on your mind. Your goal should be to forgive your ex and understand why the relationship ended.
You need to understand that breakups take many months to get over. The least intense ones take up to a few months, whereas the most intense, codependent, or abusive ones take years. Recovery time also depends on what personal changes you make and how you perceive yourself.
The average time it takes to get over the breakup is about 8 – 12 months. If it’s been that long and you’re not fully healed yet, it’s probably because your relationship or breakup was difficult and requires more time, or because you’re making breakup mistakes, such as reaching out or tolerating breadcrumbs.
I don’t know what you’re doing or not doing, so I can’t tell you what you need to change to recover. Only you can figure out whether you’re stuck in a negative loop because of your actions or inactions, or if you just need a bit more time to get your ex fully out of your system.
You need to reflect and decide on the best course of action.
No matter what you learn, always remember it’s okay to be attached to the person who left you. By leaving you, your ex destroyed your self-esteem and triggered gut-wrenching separation anxiety. He or she made you remember mainly the good times and undermined the bad ones.
It’s possible you can’t let go of your ex because you’re comparing yourself to your ex or other dumpees and expecting to be over the breakup as quickly as they were. You’re overlooking the fact that dumpers emotionally detach before the breakup and that every dumpee has a different level of self-esteem, emotional resilience, support, and coping mechanisms.
Every dumpee has a different relationship, breakup, traumas, fears, personality, and ways of dealing with rejection and stress.
Thinking negatively of yourself for not being able to get over your ex doesn’t help. It just constantly reminds you that you’re still in pain and that you’re not making enough emotional progress.
Having said that, here are 9 reasons why you can’t get over your ex, no matter how hard you try.
How do I get over my ex?
Getting over your ex takes a lot of self-discipline. It requires you to regain control of your emotions and resist reaching out to your ex when feelings become overwhelming. It can be difficult to leave your ex alone when you’re anxious and nostalgic, but it’s super important not to act on emotions.
Every time you resist reaching out, you grow emotionally stronger and learn to rely on yourself for difficult feelings. Staying away from your ex will help you detach more than anything else, which is why I encourage you to fight the urge to contact your ex.
Whenever you miss your ex and want to talk or stalk your ex, call a friend and keep yourself busy. Don’t dwell on your feelings or let them take over. Instead, focus on activities that bring you joy and help you heal. Staying active and socially connected will make the job of moving forward much easier.
Also, make sure to seek professional help. An experienced mental health expert will listen to your problems and offer words of advice. He or she will calm your emotions and encourage you to keep moving on.
You may not realize it, but you’re getting over your ex this very moment. As long as you’re not planning to talk to your ex, impress your ex, and get back together, you’re regaining your independence and getting used to living without your ex.
Don’t set any deadlines because it’s impossible to predict when you’ll get your ex out of your system. It’s better to take it one day at a time and recognize your emotional progress. Eventually, you’ll make a full recovery and understand that you recovered in stages, not all at once. Recovery happens because you focus on each day individually rather than fixating on the end goal of full recovery.
I can’t get over my ex after a year
A year of no contact is usually enough time for most dumpees to move on from their ex. If you’re still not over your ex 12+ months into no contact, you might be holding on to hope or avoiding the healing process. It’s in your best interest to identify your thought and behavioural patterns and see if you can boost your healing process.
You might not be handling the breakup properly or doing enough to distract yourself and detach from your ex.
As I mentioned earlier, not all relationships are alike. Long-term relationships, intense relationships, or abusive relationships tend to require more effort and time. Dumpees have more complex and intense feelings to process, so they shouldn’t try to rush the detachment process.
A year of healing may sound like a lot, but it’s not that much. Especially if you’ve been dealing with other problems on top of the breakup. Other problems can heighten your separation anxiety, nostalgia, and fears, and make your self-esteem worse.
If life’s been tough, you have much more stress to process than a regular dumpee. That stress takes your attention away from self-development and delays the time it takes to get over your ex. No matter how difficult things have been, be kind and patient with yourself. Don’t blame yourself for not being over your ex yet.
You’ll get your happy self back and avoid regressing emotionally when you discover your worth and process the things you need to process. I don’t know when that will be, but you’ll probably feel better when you stop putting your ex on a pedestal and grow stronger.
I can’t get over my ex after 2 years or longer
If it’s been a couple of years or longer since you broke up with your ex, but you still aren’t over your ex, you must be pretty tired of hurting by now. You must feel emotionally exhausted and perhaps even incapable of letting go of your ex.
Don’t despair.
Rest assured that you can let go of your ex. It’s probably taking you longer than most dumpees because you’re making breakup mistakes or not doing enough to develop an independent lifestyle. You still hold on to your ex because you’re hopeful that your ex will realize your worth and come back to save you.
As long as you feel hopeful, you won’t be able to disconnect from your ex. Hope will tempt you to get closer to your ex instead of moving further away. Whether it’s watching “get your ex back” videos on YouTube or listening to friends who insist your ex still has feelings for you, cutting off false hope is essential.
The sooner you get rid of it, the sooner you’ll find peace with the breakup and accept that getting back together with your ex isn’t necessary for your happiness.
All in all, you’ll eventually get over your ex and wonder what you even saw in your ex. In the meantime, work on learning why you’re so attached to your ex, improving yourself, forgiving yourself, and holding your ex accountable for his or her mistakes. If you do this frequently, it’s only a matter of time before you get over your ex fully and fall back in love with yourself.
Are you still feeling hurt and worried that you’ll never be able to get over your ex? Share your thoughts and feelings in the comments below. We’ll respond shortly.
However, if you’re looking for clarity, closure, or support with moving on, feel free to reach out directly to us.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
It’s been 2 1/2 years. I still miss him. Or rather I miss the aspects of him that I loved. The kind, caring man who had directed his study to be in a position to help poor people. The man who was always offering a helping hand to anyone who needed it. The man who’d look at a pile of rubbish and see a creative project that would end up looking rustic and beautiful. The man who’d take me for long drives and loved trawling through markets, towns, museums and beaches as much as I do.
There are many beautiful things about my darling ex that I miss.
But. This is the same man. The same man who would get irritated if I raised a subject he didn’t like. So he’d give me the silent treatment for hours. The same man who would always drop everything to help someone – regardless of who he was with and what he was doing. I remember one day when we were catching a tram into town. The first time on a tram for his daughter. And I hadn’t caught one myself for decades. Both of us would have liked to have him talking to us. What did he do? Helped a woman with the ticket machine as she also didn’t know what she was doing. He ended up paying for her ticket and talking to her all the way into town. Meantime, I was talking to his daughter and trying to find a very polite way of answering her extremely valid question – ‘why is he talking to her instead of me?’ Of course there was no way to explain to the poor girl that he’ll always do that. If there’s a stranger to try and impress, he’s there. If that comes at the cost of time with his loved ones don’t worry, he won’t even notice that once again he’s chosen a stranger over them. The same man who never once put his phone away during a meal with me. Between moderating my subject matter so as to not offend him, and feeling like I was competing with hundreds of people online chatting with him while we ate, I’m surprised I said anything at all. He made me feel horrible many times. And I’ve reminded myself of that over and over again. He wasn’t good for me. He wasn’t proud of me. He didn’t respect my opinion. He didn’t value my presence.
And yet, there’s that lingering love. I’ve chosen to see it as a test. I haven’t passed it yet. But I’ve spent the last two years working on myself. On my triggers. On my healing abilities. I now have my Reiki level 2 certificate and I don’t feel like the same person. I still sense him around me. And many times I’ve seen him from a distance when I’ve looked around when I had that feeling. There is a strong bond between us and I don’t understand why. I’ve tried to cut those cords. I haven’t spoken to him in over 1 1/2 years. He’s not good for me and I pity him. And as mad as it sounds I feel like I can sense his soul crying out to me. I was good for him and he was broken when we split. Maybe that’s why – I fix broken things and I know he has a lot of unhealed trauma. But he’s never going to. He’d rather go through life experiencing exactly the same situations over and over and playing the perpetual victim. I don’t even need to hear him to know how he’d describe me. The same way he describes all his exes. The same way he will describe all his future exes. And the same way he’ll describe his future ex bosses as he blows up his jobs the same way as the last one. And the one before, etc, etc. He’s beyond help. And that makes me feel sad. So I don’t reach out to him at all, and if I think of him I send him my love. I’m absolutely certain he wouldn’t sense that, but I have love to spare, and the poor beautiful broken man is welcome to the crumbs that still lurk for him.