Getting back with an ex after years is much easier than getting back with an ex right after the breakup. That’s because when an ex breaks up with you, your ex is done for good. You can’t reason with the dumper and change his or her mind no matter what you say or do. The only thing left to do is to focus on yourself and give your ex as much time and freedom as needed.
Breakups naturally generate such powerful nauseating emotions that the dumper doesn’t want anything to do with you anymore. The negative emotions the dumper feels are so unpleasant that even your ex doesn’t understand where they come from.
All your ex knows is that staying near you makes your ex feel uncomfortable and that your ex must run away from you as fast as possible. That’s how your ex can focus only on himself or herself and stop worrying about what you’re thinking, feeling, and doing.
Since your ex has associated a lot of unpleasant emotions with you, you need to understand that your ex needs a strong motive to come back. Your ex needs to realize that you were a good romantic partner and that he or she has made a huge mistake.
And this is something that could take your ex months or years to realize. It depends on what your ex does and what he or she is like as a person.
So unless you plan on living forever, I suggest that you don’t wait for your ex to have an “aha moment.” Your life is just too precious to waste it on someone who doesn’t appreciate you as much as you appreciate him or her. Whether you’re attached to your ex or not, you have to put yourself first and continue to move on.
It’s your only option because as long as your ex is staying away from you, your ex doesn’t deserve your one-sided love. He or she deserves nothing but silence and the freedom he or she has asked for.
Always remember that there is no such thing as accidental breakups—as all breakups happen for a reason. Something goes wrong in relationships that forces couples to look for happiness away from each other. If they find happiness, they tend not to come back. They just focus on their new lives.
And if they fail to find it, they come running back and apologize for making a selfish decision. It’s unfortunate that it sometimes takes dumpers years to learn the lessons they needed to learn a long time ago. But that’s just the way life works.
People learn things when it’s their time to learn them.
In this post, we’ll discuss why getting back with an ex after years is better than giving the relationship another try right after the breakup.
Is getting back with an ex after years even possible?
Getting back with an ex after spending years apart is possible, but bear in mind that your ex needs to first enjoy his or her life without you. Your ex needs to go out more, make new friends, get or change a job, go on vacations without you, and do the things a person without restrictions does.
Once your ex has done all these things and got enthusiastic about dating again, your ex then needs to get in some kind of trouble that diminishes his or her self-esteem and evokes despondent emotions.
Your ex basically needs to get hurt because pain and unhappiness are the catalysts for getting back with an ex after months or years. They are the best incentives for dumpers to realize their dumpees’ worth and come back to give the relationship another try.
Contrarily, if you just got dumped and are hoping your ex will suddenly see your good qualities, you need to know that it probably won’t happen. Your ex is in a highly unreceptive emotional state and likely blames you for the way he or she feels and doesn’t feel.
Until your ex suffers some kind of shock and gets a reality check the hard way, your ex likely won’t change his or her opinion of you. Your ex will think of you the way he or she does now and refuse to take responsibility.
People learn the hard way
Dumpers and people in general just don’t change unless something unpredictable and painful happens to them and forces them to engage in introspection. Most of the time, they remain oblivious of their problems and mentalities and refuse to do anything to grow.
They stay closed-minded until life circumstances cause them pain and affect their egos and self-esteem.
That’s why we can say that unhappiness is the main incentive that forces exes to change thoughts, beliefs, and negative perceptions. Unhappiness makes dumpers want to help themselves and be the people they should have been ages ago.
For your ex to get hurt and reflect, your ex will need some time to enjoy life after the breakup and become capable of getting hurt first. He or she will need to forget about you and probably even start dating someone else. That’s how your ex will put himself or herself in a situation where he or she can fail and suffer for overestimating his or her abilities.
So if the breakup just happened, don’t think that your ex will regret breaking up with you right away. It’s unlikely that your ex will come back to you while he or she feels relieved and wants to date other people.
Your ex will first need to go through the stages of a breakup for the dumper and get comfortable with someone he or she adores. That person will then have to disappoint or hurt your ex and show your ex that you were a better romantic partner and that you can give your ex what he or she needs.
How to get back with an ex after years apart?
If you’re thinking that you need to “do something” to get your ex back, let me assure you that you don’t need to persuade your ex into coming back. Your ex was the one who left and focused on other things and people, so you can’t do anything to drag your ex back into a relationship with you.
As a dumpee, you don’t possess the power to manipulate your ex’s decision. You can’t control your ex’s attraction and love for you even if you’re confident and know what to say and do to make people fall in love with you. You have to understand that exes aren’t romantic partners. They’re exes whose feelings can’t be influenced by words and actions.
Not after they’ve changed the way they perceive you and developed fears, doubts, or resentments. These things make it impossible for your ex to feel something for you again. They make sure you don’t get too close to your ex and try to force your ex to give you what you need from your ex.
So bear in mind that getting back with your ex after years won’t be as simple as messaging your ex and hoping that your ex has worked through all the negative thoughts and emotions your ex had developed before breaking up with you. It will take a lot more effort on your ex’s part.
Your ex will have to see that you respect yourself and that you don’t need him or her back. This realization could force your ex to think about you when life gives your ex lemons and forces him or her to engage in introspection.
So whatever you do, don’t expect your ex to take you back just because years have gone by. If your ex’s negative associations haven’t changed, they won’t change after you’ve messaged your ex either. They’ll remain exactly the way they were years ago when you got broken up with.
Why is that? Don’t dumpers forget negative experiences from the past?
Dumpers definitely forget some negative experiences, but they tend not to improve their perceptions of their exes. That’s because dumpers don’t need to remember all the issues that plagued the relationship to remember how they felt years ago.
They automatically remember how they felt because they store opinions of their exes in the forms of associations – subconscious emotions.
Many dumpers, unfortunately, don’t possess the strength and willpower to change their opinion about someone they fell out of love with. They don’t see a reason to because negative opinions give them strength and reasons to respect themselves and stick with their decisions.
If you want to get back together with your ex after years, you have to wait for your ex to become curious about you and reach out. That will show that your ex has developed some respect for you and that your ex may not be completely happy with the way life is going for him or her.
Forget about your ex and focus on yourself
Whether it’s been months or years since you and your ex broke up, you’ll have to forget about your ex for a while and start following the indefinite no contact rule. You’ll have to study the rules of no contact in and out and understand why the power of no contact could make your ex curious about you and want to be with you when the time is right.
Learning more about breakup dynamics is essential because breakups aren’t relationships. They’re completely different as any kind of pushing and crying achieves the opposite. Instead of making your ex see that you care, they show that you don’t care about yourself and that it’s better and safer for your ex to stay away from you and focus on himself or herself.
So no matter how hurt you are or how good you think your ex was, take your focus off your ex. Your ex can’t know you’re dying to get back together because that won’t only make you look desperate but also kill whatever attraction your ex has built up over the years.
Always remember that exes come back when you moved on and stopped caring about them. They see you don’t need them anymore and that you’re happy without them. This then makes them curious about you and if life gives them lemons, forces them to want your strength and happiness.
It’s not about getting back together with your ex. It’s about you!
The time after the breakup is meant for you to become happy with yourself (or with someone else). It’s the time for you to stop seeing your ex as the only person who can love you and start seeing your ex as just an ordinary human being who didn’t want to stay committed to you.
You need to understand that your ex gave up on you once and that unless something big changes on both ends, your ex could leave again even if he or she comes back. This is because your ex hasn’t changed much as a dumper. Your ex just focused on being happy and neglected his or her issues.
Your ex will have to work on certain problems after he or she gets dumped or experiences some kind of emotional difficulty.
So if you’re trying t get back together with an ex after years, bear in mind that some important things will have to change first.
Your ex will have to:
- Deal with relief, elation, and suffocation from the breakup and/or get over your breakup mistakes.
- Know you’re not desperately waiting to get back together and that you don’t depend on him or her for happiness.
- Engage in activities that make your ex happy and distracted from the breakup.
- Forget about some of the bad times from the past and think more fondly of you.
- Run into problems, reflect, and realize that you were a good partner.
As you can see, your ex has quite a lot of work to do. Some of the work your ex can do subconsciously by doing the things he or she loves and wants to do. Other things, however, will need a strong emotional incentive to change. They’ll need some kind of failure (most likely romantic) because failure could hurt your ex and enable your ex to put himself or herself under the microscope and discover your worth in the process.
Wait at least half a year before you consider getting back with your ex
It’s extremely important that you don’t rush back into a relationship with your ex even if your ex comes back. All dumpees and dumpers should give their broken relationship some time to rest so that they can work on themselves individually and break old patterns that brought on the separation.
Although people need roughly 66 days to change their beliefs and behavior, it can often take people much longer than that. Some people aren’t motivated to change (especially dumpers), so they need more time to find the desire or need to change and then actually work on changing.
If demotivated people get back together before they’ve done the work on themselves, they risk breaking up again. That’s because they get back together before anything significant has changed. They’re still the same people internally and will, therefore, most likely break up for the same behavioral reasons.
They basically need to reflect and grow before they give a relationship that has failed another (final) chance.
Here are some advantages of getting back with an ex after many years.
From my observations, it often takes at least a few months of hard work to change and improve some of the most-deeprooted characteristics and behaviors such as:
- poor self-control
- jealousy and controlling behavior
- pessimism
- communication
- impatience
- unhealthy habits
- integrity
Make sure to wait at least a few months before you consider giving the same romantic relationship another chance. If you don’t wait and work on yourself, you’ll be continuing the relationship rather than starting a new one.
Breakups teach us valuable lessons
If you’re afraid that your ex is slipping away during no contact, you need to know that time is your greatest ally. Every second you spend mourning for your ex and blaming yourself, you spend improving your old behavioral and thinking patterns.
Although your “could haves” and “should haves” aren’t the best for your self-esteem and happiness, they nonetheless allow you to mature and rewire your brain. And this is important so that the next relationship doesn’t suffer from the same unhealthy patterns and issues.
The next relationship needs to be an improved relationship and last much longer.
Always remember that pain is something you both need. It’s something your ex needs to improve the way he or she perceives you and something you need to grow within and have stronger romantic relationships in the future.
Here are 5 ways people improve.
If you’re like most dumpees, then you’re most likely empowered with the desperation to make things happen. You’ve been given a golden opportunity to self-reflect and improve yourself more than people who aren’t suffering.
Your ex, on the other hand, is empowered with relief and elation and other unproductive emotions that don’t make him or her improve, but rather regress. Your ex will need some time to process these emotions before he or she finds a reason and sees the need to improve.
This is why you should wait long enough for your ex to also feel the need to improve, otherwise, you could outgrow your ex by a mile and encounter the same problems later.
Why is getting back with an ex years later possible?
A lot can happen in a year, let alone years. That’s why your ex will probably start dating someone else and become emotionally attached to that person.
From afar, your ex’s new relationship will seem to be heading in the right direction and make your ex appear happy with his or her new partner. That is until your ex gets to the end of the honeymoon (infatuation phase) and starts encountering problems in the relationship.
That’s when your ex and his or her new partner will show their true colors and put their relationship skills to the test.
This is inevitable as it happens to all new couples. All couples go through certain relationship stages and eventually get to a point where they stop pretending to be someone they’re not. It happens to them about 4-6 months into the new relationship and makes them or breaks them.
Since your ex left you and hasn’t done any soul-searching after the breakup, your ex could encounter the same problems in the next relationship/s. He or she could blame the new person for the way he or she feels and get broken up with when too many issues pile up.
I’m not saying your ex will break up for certain, but if your ex is underdeveloped and has a lot of things to discover, your ex will likely experience a lot of issues that could cause friction. The same is true for your ex’s new partner.
Just keep in mind that some couples stay together even if their relationship isn’t healthy. They have an unhealthy push-pull bond that keeps them attracted to each other until they exhaust the relationship and become resentful.
Why do exes come back after years?
Exes come back after years when you’ve moved on and buried the past. They do that because they haven’t learned anything from the breakup with you. Instead of reflecting, they just swept their issues under the rug and expected their new relationship to be better.
Unlike dumpees who develop self-awareness and grow into better people, dumpers tend to point fingers and refuse to take responsibility. They convince themselves that their exes are to blame and that they have nothing to work on.
This, in turn, makes their old issues resurface and complicates their relationships with others. But that’s not all. Dumpers also face new unpredictable problems caused by their new partners. And this is what throws them off guard because they don’t expect their new relationships to be the same or worse than the previous one. They expect it to be much better, so they get hurt and realize they’ve taken their exes for granted.
Unfortunately, it takes many dumpers years to learn that their ex was good for them. But by that time, it might already be too late. Dumpees normally get over their ex after a while and find someone more developed. Someone who’d already gone through the self-reflective experience their ex needed to go through.
People are reprogrammable robots
You must remember that people are creatures of habit. The way we think, speak, act, and love is deep-rooted in our brains, hence why we repeat the same behaviors over and over again. We follow certain patterns because doing so feels comfortable to us.
And the same goes for your ex. Since your ex refused to correct his or her shortcomings, you can’t expect your ex to miraculously fix them with the next person he or she dates.
If your ex dumped you and monkey-branched to someone else, he or she is still the same person. Your ex thinks that the same old tricks will work on the new person and give better results.
Little does your ex know that breakups are chances for people to reflect and learn from rather than just ignore the need to grow.
Because your ex just wants to move on to someone else without putting the work in, your ex could once again fail and realize that his or her long-term relationship broke apart because of a lack of effort and commitment. This could make your value skyrocket and perhaps even force your ex to come knocking on your doors.
By the time this happens, your ex will have forgotten most of your negative traits. Your ex will stop blaming you for the end of the relationship and crave your recognition.
But to get back together with an ex, sometimes 5, 10, or even 20 years have to go by. Your ex has to learn a valuable lesson first. And no one knows when and if that will happen.
Getting back with your ex years later can help your ex mature the hard way
Provided your ex gets dumped or goes through something similarly stressful to you, your ex could once again want to be in a relationship with you.
Your ex could become desperate for a healthy relationship and start looking for people to soothe his or her anxiety. The person who could help your ex the most is you because you didn’t abandon your ex. You stayed with your ex until he or she got the grass is greener syndrome and left you to see what else is out there.
This means you could be a very good safety option for your ex. You could be your ex’s recovery plan and someone he or she can get back with very quickly.
Don’t take it personally, but that’s what reconciliations are. They’re backup plans for dumpers who can’t find happiness on their own or with someone else. If dumpers don’t find what they’re looking for, they normally return to their exes and see if their exes are still willing to work on the relationship.
So if your ex asks you back, bear in mind that your ex tried to find a suitable partner but couldn’t. Your ex either wasn’t developed for a relationship or your ex’s partner/s weren’t.
It’s up to you if you want your ex back after he or she has failed.
You are in charge of the reconciliation!
When the breakup happens, it happens on your ex’s terms. You have no say in it and need to accept it whether you want to or not. When your ex wants you back, however, the situation reverses. Your ex becomes the dumpee and you the dumper. This means you get full control of the reconciliation and get to decide what you want and don’t want.
If you want your ex back, you can tell your ex what you want your ex to work on. Be firm, but also respectful and sympathetic.
If you don’t want your ex back anymore, however, then just say you’ve moved on and that you wish him or her the best of luck. You don’t have to explain why you don’t want to be in a relationship with your ex anymore. Your ex will figure it out if he or she hasn’t grown much since the breakup.
But provided that you do want your ex back, make sure to remain in control of the whole reconciliation process. This is important so that you can encourage your ex to self-invest and be the person your ex should have been years ago when he or she was with you.
Your ex needs to see you’re not fooling around this time and that if he or she fails to impress you that you’ll leave and find someone else. You shouldn’t tell your ex that verbally, of course, but do show your ex that you respect yourself and that your ex needs to do the same.
Here are the dumper’s benefits of getting back with an ex years later.
If your dumper ex has learned a valuable lesson and finally sees what you bring to the table, don’t just stop working on yourselves a few weeks after the breakup. Try to make personal growth into a permanent part of you and motivate each other to stay self-aware and grateful.
If you do this, you’ll rebuild trust in the relationship and also have a much stronger relationship that will overcome old and new problems.
Are you thinking of getting back with an ex after years? Have you tried getting back with your ex? Leave a comment in the comments section below.
However, if you’re looking for breakup coaching and want our help, check out our coaching services.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Such a well put together article!
Thanks for reading, Rosemary.
Best regards,
Zan
I enjoyed the article very much and found it useful.
I had a five year relationship with my significant other before the breakup. It was the last 6 to 9 months of our relationship that it began to fall apart as we argued a lot in person but also via text. I was also in my significant other’s home country abroad in Asia and I happen to have shown dislike for the culture and the nation, which added more salt to wounds as my significant other was very much in love with the home country. Furthermore, in that culture they happen to be in everyone’s business which I am not accustomed to and that made me very uncomfortable which again again I stated how much I hated the country because they’d be talking about me behind my back as a community. I also mentioned that he should man up more in his tone and that his English could be better. On few occasions I said that I wanted a breakup and in one message I said I was discarding him with a goodbye message. He constantly worried about me not succeeding in graduate school (we had both gone to graduate school there) which showed he cared about me. He tried to show me how great the country was but I seem to have missed the point as I again and again showed him my dislike for it. In hindsight I could have tried harder to like it, pretended or done something to that nature. I could have been more understanding and patient with him such as when he chose to go alone to meet with a new acquaintance the following day we had both met the day before. To this I said, I didn’t sign up for this kind of relationship. He said that he thought it was best he went alone. Then there was the photo that he misconstrued as me dating someone else. I had sent him a photo of me and a new friend I had made but he thought friend was code for boyfriend and that I was seeing him. I wasn’t thinking straight and played along with his idea because I thought a little jealousy would bring us closer and I was being careless with my words as well. He said if I liked this guy on the photo and I said yes but that he (my boyfriend) and I had history and that was much more important. Again I was only playing along. So he thought I was cheating on him.
It’s been 2.5 years since the breakup and we still communicate very very minimally via text every two weeks. It’s only a few words. I love him dearly and I refuse to give up on us. I think sometimes my need of him shows as I write much more than he does. I want to know if there is a chance for us getting back together.
Hi Zan,
Love your blog. Me and my ex of 5 years broke up for almost a year now. I believe that he loves me very much as we are each other’s first real love. He broke up with me because we had lots of arguments which stir from something he hide from me until the 4th year of our relationship. He reason for hiding it is because he was afraid of losing me after I know about it. I forgave him and tried to give hi there another shot. But in the back of my mind I’m always upset that he hide that from me and made me very insecure. We had lots of argument after that. Nearing to our break up he even gave me a promise ring to say he will marry me one day. I thought that he really love me, as he gets emotional when I am about to leave him. But finally, he’s the one that break up with me, and says that he don’t love me anymore. I was so hurt, but he said that he will not find another girl. About 2 months after that, he was seen with a new girl. He tried to date her in secret but I get to know about it. He didn’t realise that I know. When I talk to him trying to give hints that I know, he didn’t want to admit it. He has been hot and cold towards me after that. 6 months later, he call one midnight crying and saying that he wants to meet me. We met and he keep talking about the past like if I remember this and that, what I wore on the first day and so on. Then he goes on saying that he loves me and regret breaking up with me. I told him that I know about the rebound girl. He was shocked and tried to say that it’s to help get over me. I said then have they break up, he said what is there to break up when it’s not committed in the first place. I don’t really believe him. And I found out that they are still hanging out and being touchy. He tried to casually chat with me, I responded casually. After that he blocked me on every channel. We goes to the same church, so we still see each other regularly but we don’t talk. But I catch him sneaking a glance at me every other time, and when pastor say something that he knows I would laugh or make a funny face. He will always to see my reaction and laugh after that. I’m not sure what is on his mind or what he’s trying to play. We had always been a loving couple until arguments become intense. I really love him, and he said he really love me too and that he pick up smoking again after the break up because of stress. I just want to know if there is still chance for us to come back and love each other again. Or have that other girl won his for good.
Is it selfish to dump someone who cheats on or abuses you? Or someone who refuses to meet your needs or communicate in an attempt to work on issues? I wonder where you draw the line.
Funny little article.
Hello, I’m 19 this year and my ex of 5 months is 20. We’ve just broken up 2 weeks ago & honestly it has been really depressing. He said that I was too controlling and our personalities just don’t match at the moment. He said he’s enjoying the single life and doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me. And that he has kept his feelings for me aside. I have tried to talk things out with him but it doesn’t work as he sad he chooses not to be in a relationship anymore even if there is hope. Furthermore he might be going aboard to study this year, and I would only go next year. What should I do? We are in the same university and class, so we still wave at each other when we meet, but that’s about it. It doesn’t look like he will come back anytime soon and frankly i just don’t think he’s ready for a serious relationship yet. We both have the same major and will most probably study abroad in the same school. When we come out to work, we would be in the same line of work as well.Should we continue to be friends? Would that ruin our possibilities of being back together again? I want to move on and believe that if he’s meant to be mine, he will come back. But it’s really hard to move on
Same, he broke up with me 1 week ago but in my situation we are in LDR. I love him so much and right now I’m so lost and can’t function well, even though he hurt me I still wanna be with him and I hope me and my ex will be together again not now but in the right time. For now, let’s be strong☺
My ex and I were together for 18 years. I really loved him. I did everything for him, I even forgot about me. He left me one day before a surgery, I suffered a lot, because I felt abandoned, dismissed, thrown like litter on the ground. He felt in love with her job and colleagues, he started being so aggressive and pushed me apart, he started earning a lot of money and getting together with directives. A month before he broke up with me, I was in the middle of a protest and he didn’t help me out of there, he went out with his colleagues. I think I will never forgive him. He was so selfish, I feel sorry for him. Because, I believe in Karma.
Hi me and my ex broke up last year in march 2019 We went out for about 2 months but we had gone out before. I thought he liked my best friend because he would always flirt with her. He would also take way more notice in her. then once he called her ‘saucy’ which apparently means fit. So I spoke to him about it and he said he didn’t know what it meant so it turned out to be a massive argument and we broke up. But my best friend didn’t help the matter she stirred it coz she was also jealous of me. I thought me and my ex were the perfect match I just thought we were to similar and that’s why our personality’s clashed . Then a few months later we become mates then over the summer holidays we became really close ( just as mates though). Then in September I asked him would you ever get back with me and he was like no . He tells everyone that he would never get back with me. I know I’m still in highschool and I’ve got my whole life ahead of me but I just really want another chance . The reason he broke up with me is because I didn’t trust him. But now we’re best friends and we tell each other everything although he has no feelings left for me at all.
I am the most happiest woman on earth right now, My fiancee that left me few months ago just came back to me last night crying to take him back.
I am the most happiest woman on earth right now,
I am the most happiest woman on earth right now, My fiancee that left me few months ago just came back to me last night crying to take him back. Guess what?? My highest surprise is that he just proposed to me right now and a car as a sign of apology.
And, of course, you said no – or, not yet, right? If not, please reread the article. Good Luck!
Hi,
My ex and I broke up about a year and a half ago after being together for almost 3 years. he said he wasn’t feeling the same and he need time for himself. He wanted to see if maybe there was someone else out there for him but he truly thought he loved me.
We were both miserable and got back together after a month. I could tell he was checked out of the relationship so I broke it off two months in.
He texted me for my birthday and for a special occurrence in his life. Half a year later We contacted each other, hung out and we started hooking up. He stopped it because he said he didn’t want to see me as just a hook up and he was maybe interested in someone else. He admitted he had commitment issues. When I told him his issues would lead to him one day losing someone he truly loved he just looked at me with pain in his eyes. I was heartbroken (again). He would lash out during our conversation and not show emotions and then take a step back. He said he wanted to stay in contact with me every once in a while to see how I was because I was his first true love and he had never been as happy in his life as he had been with me. I was upset so I said no and told him off. I haven’t spoken to him since… He’s very prideful and if he ever does come back it will be until he realizes his “mistake” on his own time
Hi my ex and I were together for 12 years and she broke up with me this last February we have been talking on and off like normal people but always seem to argue because I would get mad or jealous..so I would go NC for about 3-4 days and she would text me or call me and I would reply right away..and one day she calls me crying that she’s sorry she broke my heart because someone broke hers she said a couple months after she left me she got with someone else and she fell in love with that person and found out that the guy already had a girlfriend and was expecting a baby. So it broke her heart because she was really into this new guy…so for a few days I was talking to her good and comforting her…and I thought to myself let me take advantage of the situation and try and nope she wasn’t having it…so for about 4-5 Months I was just constantly begging and pleading her to take me back….this Halloween I went over her mom’s house because we have a 3 year old together also I stay in Oregon now and she’s in California with my son…so I went to visit my son and I went through her journal and read a bunch of stuff that broke my heart even more..stuff that she already told me about that guy but just reading it made me feel like she really loved him more than me even though we were together for years and they were together for months…so I confronted her about it and she got really upset and told me never to reach out to her again or call or text never to come around her place.or her mom’s anymore if I want to see or talk to my son to give her a heads up and I can meet him somewhere but never near her family…..I apologized for everything and all the things I did and didn’t do in our relationship and after the breakup and the way I handled it…I have been in NC for 8 days now…is this m best option!? Please advice!?
Dude, you are way too pushy.
You NEVER beg for a relationship, you have to give a person space. Come on man, if you don’t change this attitude you will have the same problems with the next girl.
You read her journal that is private, thats not cool man.
Dont have any contact with her anymore, except to see your kid, and dont use that to have big conversations.
Never contact her again for just talk.
Work on yourself and your jealousy come on man, nobody wants to be pushed and smothered that way in a relationship.
Goodluck
I split with my ex about 7 month ago. We have a 3 year old daughter and we’re together for 8 years
She’s now on a serious relationship with some guy, they met about 4 month ago.
I’ll be honest I didn’t treat her amazingly for the past few years. Cheated a few times. It was tough for her and me.
Anyway I love this girl, she was my first girlfriend and life hit us hard and fast especially with having a child, we were both young and inexperienced.
I have been working on myself a lot lately, I did. All the begging and pleading. I can’t believe I’m still not over her after 7 month.
We have a good relationship. We talk about our daughter a lot and sometimes I feel she uses tha time to ramble on about other things in her life and I find it hard to shut her down cause I miss her so much.
I really want to move on from this, and of course I would love to be her man again one day.I’m aware chances are slim, I have learned so much. I really didn’t think I’d care after our breakup but I know these are true feelings as she is still always I’m my head after this long.
Any advice would be great.
Hi Ben.
Your ex has hurt you badly so it’s only “normal” that she will remain on your mind for a while.
No matter how much you’ve changed internally, you still can’t force your improvement upon her. She must become receptive to it first.
So go no contact, prioritize yourself and you will move on.
And if she happens to come back, that will be your bonus.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan, I love your blog big fan of the indefinite no contact rule. I’ve been on and off in 2 relationships, one of these exes came around 5 months later on December 29th I suppose I was to be part of her new year resolutions? Lol at which point I didn’t care and the conversation was short and she was politely dismissed.
My now ex broke up with me prior to a date we were supposed to go to its been 4 months now, 2 months ago she was very angry on social media and now she’s stopped using social media altogether cause she’s depressed last I checked and she’s not only cut me out of her life but her friends too. I’ve now entered recovery cause I’m not so hooked on her, need has turned to want but she’s a great girl and I worry about her well-being sometimes. Do you think she’ll come around? I’m no longer holding on to hope as it’s been that long I just wanted your opinion.
Thanks
Hi Kaiser.
Her return depends on how good your relationship was and how badly life treats her. That’s why I can’t speculate.
I wish you a quick recovery.
Best,
Zan
I just broke up with my ex 3 months ago. First 3 weeks was common mistakes. And she confirmed me that it was definite. Later I went into NC but we live together with a kid. So it was a bit of silence treatment. She kept reaching out on family business issues. She would like me to move out which I refused. Finally she opted to move out but still arranging the situation. I am in limited contact with her. But it is not easy. I don’t want to be rude toward her but neither I want to be available all the time. I think even when she eventually move out we would still be in limited contact due to our kid and other family business issue. Do you have any clear cut advice on an effective limited contact?
Hi Michael.
Stay in limited contact and make it only about the children and any unfinished business, as everything else is not your concern.
Also, remember to be kind, polite, and respectful at all times. Nobody deserves to suffer as a result.
Kind regards,
Zan
I can’t imagine getting back with an ex years later. Once it ended, especially if they left you heartbroken, you know how the movie ends. It would have to be in the back of your mind the whole time after getting back together that she’s capable of throwing it all away at any point – because she already had, years earlier. That doesn’t sound like a healthy foundation for a relationship.
Hi Doug.
You’re absolutely right. It can be very difficult to rebuild broken trust. Some people are better at it than others, but nonetheless, it’s a gamble. I suppose getting back with an ex years later is for those who truly messed up and want another chance.
Best regards,
Zan
Hey. It is weird, my comment is not showing up. Everything all right?
Hi Alice.
Your previous comment included links so it needed to be approved first.
Thanks for commenting!
Best regards,
Zan
ok then 😸. Thank you for the reply and for the article. Zan is a talented writer 👀🤝
My ex had a hard lesson….he got his rebound pregnant and says it wasn’t his choice and she trapped him! Good riddance!
Hi Jen.
I wouldn’t want to be in his shoes if I were him. Karma sure got him hard.
Best regards,
Zan
Well.. it depends. Let’s say you have a daughter. Your daughter dates a man. The man pushes her away because she’s struggling with sth in her life. She leaves. But she wants to see if the man cares. The man doesn’t show any sign of care or affection. Your daughter’s attempt to reconcile is ignored. Question: Would you like your daughter to ever get back together with this man? Let’s say, after 10 years, when she becomes rich, successful or happy? There are ups and downs in life. If the man wasn’t there for her to lighten up her day, by simply making a joke or making her laugh, you may doubt that he’s going to be there later, needless to say he will be there if she gets sick or sth.
Lesson: Treat girls the way you would like your daughter to be treated.
Believe me, nothing is more attractive than a secure alpha man that knows how to keep the balance between affection and power. A real alpha man is so happy with life and himself that his happiness is contagious and those around him are feeling comfortable, rather than controlled.
https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/the-myth-of-the-alpha-male/
https://torontosnumber1datedoctor.com/blog/warning-read-before-giving-your-ex-space/
ps: I have a feeling you might not like my comment too much 🤭😹
Hi Alice.
I apologize for the late reply.
There’s nothing not to like about your comment as it’s absolutely empowering. A lot of men, unfortunately, don’t know how to treat a girl. And since they often leave good partners, they usually don’t change much. Not unless they have a good reason.
That’s why getting back together with an ex years later might not be any different.
I would advise my daughter what I truly think about her ex. As for the reconciliation, it’s up to her to make a decision.
Thanks for the comment!
Zan
Hey! Great article! Although I feel my situation is a little different, me and my ex recently broke up because of distance. We were together for 5 months in the same city. She then got a job in China for 6 months ( we’re from the uk) and we tried long distance for 4 months until it failed. Mainly because she was offered a 2 and a half year contract in China. We both decided that it was just too much and called it a day. I did visit her in that 4 month period she was away and we were very much in love! She brought up the love word in the first place!
Anyway, when we broke up she said she still loves me and who knows what could happen in the future! So I know she kinda wants to leave the door open in a sense but I know I need to move on which I am in the process of doing (no contact etc….) we had a very strong connection and I can tell there was alot of love there 🙂 but it just seems like bad timing as it’s her dream job and I had to let her go to follow her dreams she said she really appreciated my support and acceptance of the situation.
I do deeply love this woman and I hope.in the future we can pick up where we left off but for now I need to focus on me! Would you say the chances are high on reconciliation in the future?
Like I say I’m moving on slowly but it’s always in the back of my mind! We had a very sweet break up where we said we love eachother and wish eachother the best so I know she’s still got alot of love for me! Sorry for the long comment but would really appreciate some advice!
Thanks 🙂 love your website by the way!
Hi Billy King.
Thank you for your kind words.
Yes, breaking up because of the distance alone is the best breakup you can hope for.
Your breakup means that as long as there is the physical distance between you two, the relationship won’t work. So even if you get back together right now, it would likely break apart soon. The reason for that is because your ex’s mindset would remain the same.
Getting back together years later though is a whole different story. It would make the reconciliation process much easier because the #1 excuse for the breakup would no long er be present.
Kind regards,
Zan