Getting back with an ex after years is much easier than getting back with an ex right after the breakup. That’s because when an ex breaks up with you, your ex is done for good. You can’t reason with the dumper and change his or her mind no matter what you say or do. The only thing left to do is to focus on yourself and give your ex as much time and freedom as needed.
Breakups naturally generate such powerful nauseating emotions that the dumper doesn’t want anything to do with you anymore. The negative emotions the dumper feels are so unpleasant that even your ex doesn’t understand where they come from.
All your ex knows is that staying near you makes your ex feel uncomfortable and that your ex must run away from you as fast as possible. That’s how your ex can focus only on himself or herself and stop worrying about what you’re thinking, feeling, and doing.
Since your ex has associated a lot of unpleasant emotions with you, you need to understand that your ex needs a strong motive to come back. Your ex needs to realize that you were a good romantic partner and that he or she has made a huge mistake.
And this is something that could take your ex months or years to realize. It depends on what your ex does and what he or she is like as a person.
So unless you plan on living forever, I suggest that you don’t wait for your ex to have an “aha moment.” Your life is just too precious to waste it on someone who doesn’t appreciate you as much as you appreciate him or her. Whether you’re attached to your ex or not, you have to put yourself first and continue to move on.
It’s your only option because as long as your ex is staying away from you, your ex doesn’t deserve your one-sided love. He or she deserves nothing but silence and the freedom he or she has asked for.
Always remember that there is no such thing as accidental breakups—as all breakups happen for a reason. Something goes wrong in relationships that forces couples to look for happiness away from each other. If they find happiness, they tend not to come back. They just focus on their new lives.
And if they fail to find it, they come running back and apologize for making a selfish decision. It’s unfortunate that it sometimes takes dumpers years to learn the lessons they needed to learn a long time ago. But that’s just the way life works.
People learn things when it’s their time to learn them.
In this post, we’ll discuss why getting back with an ex after years is better than giving the relationship another try right after the breakup.
Is getting back with an ex after years even possible?
Getting back with an ex after spending years apart is possible, but bear in mind that your ex needs to first enjoy his or her life without you. Your ex needs to go out more, make new friends, get or change a job, go on vacations without you, and do the things a person without restrictions does.
Once your ex has done all these things and got enthusiastic about dating again, your ex then needs to get in some kind of trouble that diminishes his or her self-esteem and evokes despondent emotions.
Your ex basically needs to get hurt because pain and unhappiness are the catalysts for getting back with an ex after months or years. They are the best incentives for dumpers to realize their dumpees’ worth and come back to give the relationship another try.
Contrarily, if you just got dumped and are hoping your ex will suddenly see your good qualities, you need to know that it probably won’t happen. Your ex is in a highly unreceptive emotional state and likely blames you for the way he or she feels and doesn’t feel.
Until your ex suffers some kind of shock and gets a reality check the hard way, your ex likely won’t change his or her opinion of you. Your ex will think of you the way he or she does now and refuse to take responsibility.
People learn the hard way
Dumpers and people in general just don’t change unless something unpredictable and painful happens to them and forces them to engage in introspection. Most of the time, they remain oblivious of their problems and mentalities and refuse to do anything to grow.
They stay closed-minded until life circumstances cause them pain and affect their egos and self-esteem.
That’s why we can say that unhappiness is the main incentive that forces exes to change thoughts, beliefs, and negative perceptions. Unhappiness makes dumpers want to help themselves and be the people they should have been ages ago.
For your ex to get hurt and reflect, your ex will need some time to enjoy life after the breakup and become capable of getting hurt first. He or she will need to forget about you and probably even start dating someone else. That’s how your ex will put himself or herself in a situation where he or she can fail and suffer for overestimating his or her abilities.
So if the breakup just happened, don’t think that your ex will regret breaking up with you right away. It’s unlikely that your ex will come back to you while he or she feels relieved and wants to date other people.
Your ex will first need to go through the stages of a breakup for the dumper and get comfortable with someone he or she adores. That person will then have to disappoint or hurt your ex and show your ex that you were a better romantic partner and that you can give your ex what he or she needs.
How to get back with an ex after years apart?
If you’re thinking that you need to “do something” to get your ex back, let me assure you that you don’t need to persuade your ex into coming back. Your ex was the one who left and focused on other things and people, so you can’t do anything to drag your ex back into a relationship with you.
As a dumpee, you don’t possess the power to manipulate your ex’s decision. You can’t control your ex’s attraction and love for you even if you’re confident and know what to say and do to make people fall in love with you. You have to understand that exes aren’t romantic partners. They’re exes whose feelings can’t be influenced by words and actions.
Not after they’ve changed the way they perceive you and developed fears, doubts, or resentments. These things make it impossible for your ex to feel something for you again. They make sure you don’t get too close to your ex and try to force your ex to give you what you need from your ex.
So bear in mind that getting back with your ex after years won’t be as simple as messaging your ex and hoping that your ex has worked through all the negative thoughts and emotions your ex had developed before breaking up with you. It will take a lot more effort on your ex’s part.
Your ex will have to see that you respect yourself and that you don’t need him or her back. This realization could force your ex to think about you when life gives your ex lemons and forces him or her to engage in introspection.
So whatever you do, don’t expect your ex to take you back just because years have gone by. If your ex’s negative associations haven’t changed, they won’t change after you’ve messaged your ex either. They’ll remain exactly the way they were years ago when you got broken up with.
Why is that? Don’t dumpers forget negative experiences from the past?
Dumpers definitely forget some negative experiences, but they tend not to improve their perceptions of their exes. That’s because dumpers don’t need to remember all the issues that plagued the relationship to remember how they felt years ago.
They automatically remember how they felt because they store opinions of their exes in the forms of associations – subconscious emotions.
Many dumpers, unfortunately, don’t possess the strength and willpower to change their opinion about someone they fell out of love with. They don’t see a reason to because negative opinions give them strength and reasons to respect themselves and stick with their decisions.
If you want to get back together with your ex after years, you have to wait for your ex to become curious about you and reach out. That will show that your ex has developed some respect for you and that your ex may not be completely happy with the way life is going for him or her.
Forget about your ex and focus on yourself
Whether it’s been months or years since you and your ex broke up, you’ll have to forget about your ex for a while and start following the indefinite no contact rule. You’ll have to study the rules of no contact in and out and understand why the power of no contact could make your ex curious about you and want to be with you when the time is right.
Learning more about breakup dynamics is essential because breakups aren’t relationships. They’re completely different as any kind of pushing and crying achieves the opposite. Instead of making your ex see that you care, they show that you don’t care about yourself and that it’s better and safer for your ex to stay away from you and focus on himself or herself.
So no matter how hurt you are or how good you think your ex was, take your focus off your ex. Your ex can’t know you’re dying to get back together because that won’t only make you look desperate but also kill whatever attraction your ex has built up over the years.
Always remember that exes come back when you moved on and stopped caring about them. They see you don’t need them anymore and that you’re happy without them. This then makes them curious about you and if life gives them lemons, forces them to want your strength and happiness.
It’s not about getting back together with your ex. It’s about you!
The time after the breakup is meant for you to become happy with yourself (or with someone else). It’s the time for you to stop seeing your ex as the only person who can love you and start seeing your ex as just an ordinary human being who didn’t want to stay committed to you.
You need to understand that your ex gave up on you once and that unless something big changes on both ends, your ex could leave again even if he or she comes back. This is because your ex hasn’t changed much as a dumper. Your ex just focused on being happy and neglected his or her issues.
Your ex will have to work on certain problems after he or she gets dumped or experiences some kind of emotional difficulty.
So if you’re trying t get back together with an ex after years, bear in mind that some important things will have to change first.
Your ex will have to:
- Deal with relief, elation, and suffocation from the breakup and/or get over your breakup mistakes.
- Know you’re not desperately waiting to get back together and that you don’t depend on him or her for happiness.
- Engage in activities that make your ex happy and distracted from the breakup.
- Forget about some of the bad times from the past and think more fondly of you.
- Run into problems, reflect, and realize that you were a good partner.
As you can see, your ex has quite a lot of work to do. Some of the work your ex can do subconsciously by doing the things he or she loves and wants to do. Other things, however, will need a strong emotional incentive to change. They’ll need some kind of failure (most likely romantic) because failure could hurt your ex and enable your ex to put himself or herself under the microscope and discover your worth in the process.
Wait at least half a year before you consider getting back with your ex
It’s extremely important that you don’t rush back into a relationship with your ex even if your ex comes back. All dumpees and dumpers should give their broken relationship some time to rest so that they can work on themselves individually and break old patterns that brought on the separation.
Although people need roughly 66 days to change their beliefs and behavior, it can often take people much longer than that. Some people aren’t motivated to change (especially dumpers), so they need more time to find the desire or need to change and then actually work on changing.
If demotivated people get back together before they’ve done the work on themselves, they risk breaking up again. That’s because they get back together before anything significant has changed. They’re still the same people internally and will, therefore, most likely break up for the same behavioral reasons.
They basically need to reflect and grow before they give a relationship that has failed another (final) chance.
Here are some advantages of getting back with an ex after many years.
From my observations, it often takes at least a few months of hard work to change and improve some of the most-deeprooted characteristics and behaviors such as:
- poor self-control
- jealousy and controlling behavior
- pessimism
- communication
- impatience
- unhealthy habits
- integrity
Make sure to wait at least a few months before you consider giving the same romantic relationship another chance. If you don’t wait and work on yourself, you’ll be continuing the relationship rather than starting a new one.
Breakups teach us valuable lessons
If you’re afraid that your ex is slipping away during no contact, you need to know that time is your greatest ally. Every second you spend mourning for your ex and blaming yourself, you spend improving your old behavioral and thinking patterns.
Although your “could haves” and “should haves” aren’t the best for your self-esteem and happiness, they nonetheless allow you to mature and rewire your brain. And this is important so that the next relationship doesn’t suffer from the same unhealthy patterns and issues.
The next relationship needs to be an improved relationship and last much longer.
Always remember that pain is something you both need. It’s something your ex needs to improve the way he or she perceives you and something you need to grow within and have stronger romantic relationships in the future.
Here are 5 ways people improve.
If you’re like most dumpees, then you’re most likely empowered with the desperation to make things happen. You’ve been given a golden opportunity to self-reflect and improve yourself more than people who aren’t suffering.
Your ex, on the other hand, is empowered with relief and elation and other unproductive emotions that don’t make him or her improve, but rather regress. Your ex will need some time to process these emotions before he or she finds a reason and sees the need to improve.
This is why you should wait long enough for your ex to also feel the need to improve, otherwise, you could outgrow your ex by a mile and encounter the same problems later.
Why is getting back with an ex years later possible?
A lot can happen in a year, let alone years. That’s why your ex will probably start dating someone else and become emotionally attached to that person.
From afar, your ex’s new relationship will seem to be heading in the right direction and make your ex appear happy with his or her new partner. That is until your ex gets to the end of the honeymoon (infatuation phase) and starts encountering problems in the relationship.
That’s when your ex and his or her new partner will show their true colors and put their relationship skills to the test.
This is inevitable as it happens to all new couples. All couples go through certain relationship stages and eventually get to a point where they stop pretending to be someone they’re not. It happens to them about 4-6 months into the new relationship and makes them or breaks them.
Since your ex left you and hasn’t done any soul-searching after the breakup, your ex could encounter the same problems in the next relationship/s. He or she could blame the new person for the way he or she feels and get broken up with when too many issues pile up.
I’m not saying your ex will break up for certain, but if your ex is underdeveloped and has a lot of things to discover, your ex will likely experience a lot of issues that could cause friction. The same is true for your ex’s new partner.
Just keep in mind that some couples stay together even if their relationship isn’t healthy. They have an unhealthy push-pull bond that keeps them attracted to each other until they exhaust the relationship and become resentful.
Why do exes come back after years?
Exes come back after years when you’ve moved on and buried the past. They do that because they haven’t learned anything from the breakup with you. Instead of reflecting, they just swept their issues under the rug and expected their new relationship to be better.
Unlike dumpees who develop self-awareness and grow into better people, dumpers tend to point fingers and refuse to take responsibility. They convince themselves that their exes are to blame and that they have nothing to work on.
This, in turn, makes their old issues resurface and complicates their relationships with others. But that’s not all. Dumpers also face new unpredictable problems caused by their new partners. And this is what throws them off guard because they don’t expect their new relationships to be the same or worse than the previous one. They expect it to be much better, so they get hurt and realize they’ve taken their exes for granted.
Unfortunately, it takes many dumpers years to learn that their ex was good for them. But by that time, it might already be too late. Dumpees normally get over their ex after a while and find someone more developed. Someone who’d already gone through the self-reflective experience their ex needed to go through.
People are reprogrammable robots
You must remember that people are creatures of habit. The way we think, speak, act, and love is deep-rooted in our brains, hence why we repeat the same behaviors over and over again. We follow certain patterns because doing so feels comfortable to us.
And the same goes for your ex. Since your ex refused to correct his or her shortcomings, you can’t expect your ex to miraculously fix them with the next person he or she dates.
If your ex dumped you and monkey-branched to someone else, he or she is still the same person. Your ex thinks that the same old tricks will work on the new person and give better results.
Little does your ex know that breakups are chances for people to reflect and learn from rather than just ignore the need to grow.
Because your ex just wants to move on to someone else without putting the work in, your ex could once again fail and realize that his or her long-term relationship broke apart because of a lack of effort and commitment. This could make your value skyrocket and perhaps even force your ex to come knocking on your doors.
By the time this happens, your ex will have forgotten most of your negative traits. Your ex will stop blaming you for the end of the relationship and crave your recognition.
But to get back together with an ex, sometimes 5, 10, or even 20 years have to go by. Your ex has to learn a valuable lesson first. And no one knows when and if that will happen.
Getting back with your ex years later can help your ex mature the hard way
Provided your ex gets dumped or goes through something similarly stressful to you, your ex could once again want to be in a relationship with you.
Your ex could become desperate for a healthy relationship and start looking for people to soothe his or her anxiety. The person who could help your ex the most is you because you didn’t abandon your ex. You stayed with your ex until he or she got the grass is greener syndrome and left you to see what else is out there.
This means you could be a very good safety option for your ex. You could be your ex’s recovery plan and someone he or she can get back with very quickly.
Don’t take it personally, but that’s what reconciliations are. They’re backup plans for dumpers who can’t find happiness on their own or with someone else. If dumpers don’t find what they’re looking for, they normally return to their exes and see if their exes are still willing to work on the relationship.
So if your ex asks you back, bear in mind that your ex tried to find a suitable partner but couldn’t. Your ex either wasn’t developed for a relationship or your ex’s partner/s weren’t.
It’s up to you if you want your ex back after he or she has failed.
You are in charge of the reconciliation!
When the breakup happens, it happens on your ex’s terms. You have no say in it and need to accept it whether you want to or not. When your ex wants you back, however, the situation reverses. Your ex becomes the dumpee and you the dumper. This means you get full control of the reconciliation and get to decide what you want and don’t want.
If you want your ex back, you can tell your ex what you want your ex to work on. Be firm, but also respectful and sympathetic.
If you don’t want your ex back anymore, however, then just say you’ve moved on and that you wish him or her the best of luck. You don’t have to explain why you don’t want to be in a relationship with your ex anymore. Your ex will figure it out if he or she hasn’t grown much since the breakup.
But provided that you do want your ex back, make sure to remain in control of the whole reconciliation process. This is important so that you can encourage your ex to self-invest and be the person your ex should have been years ago when he or she was with you.
Your ex needs to see you’re not fooling around this time and that if he or she fails to impress you that you’ll leave and find someone else. You shouldn’t tell your ex that verbally, of course, but do show your ex that you respect yourself and that your ex needs to do the same.
Here are the dumper’s benefits of getting back with an ex years later.
If your dumper ex has learned a valuable lesson and finally sees what you bring to the table, don’t just stop working on yourselves a few weeks after the breakup. Try to make personal growth into a permanent part of you and motivate each other to stay self-aware and grateful.
If you do this, you’ll rebuild trust in the relationship and also have a much stronger relationship that will overcome old and new problems.
Are you thinking of getting back with an ex after years? Have you tried getting back with your ex? Leave a comment in the comments section below.
However, if you’re looking for breakup coaching and want our help, check out our coaching services.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
No. My ex dumped me while I was abroad and it was a complete shock. I just have this feeling there was somebody else. Sorry, but if you love someone then it is impossible to walk away. If my ex ever come back, I would give her the same treatment that she gave to me for a full year; silence.
Hi Simmi.
You say this now, but once you get over her and stop feeling angry, you’ll see that there’s no point in hurting her. You’ll be happy and won’t feel the need to be vengeful.
Hang in there!
Zan
Very interesting article and comments … I was searching about re-connecting after years apart and found this article. My ex and I have been apart for 25 years, and I always wanted to send her a birthday card 25 years later to see how her life turned out.
I sent that card a couple months ago to an address i chanced would reach her … yes 15 days later I got a reply from her. Very thankful of my concern and the letter back was positive in a general way. So I put pen to paper and wrote back a 10 page letter letting her know of my past after last time i seen her with my tears streaming down my cheeks. we were married for 6 years before the separation, and were 29-31 … so you can do the math as to how old we are now.
She left me, however it was very loving as I think we were just too young back then to understand the love we actually had for each other. growth in both of us will change who we once were. would I say no to seeing her again?? never. there is still that “what if” in the back of my mind after 25 years.
Currently waiting for a reply to that letter … 25 years changes all people … and yes I still have admiration and deep love for this gal … you never forget your first true love.
I will book mark this and update when and if we meet again.
Hi Stacy.
She may have moved on and is happy with someone else. We don’t know. But do let us know how your story unfolds. If she doesn’t respond, however, it may be best to leave her alone for good.
Best regards,
Zan
“We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together”. Sorry this title just reminded me Taylor’s song. But for sure, I would back with Jake Gyllenhaal if I was Talyor Swift.
Anyways. Yeah, you right, just focus on yourself and maybe a come back could happen, at least a new chance.
Thanks for the comment, Mandy. Focusing on yourself is the best thing you can do.
Best regards,
Zan
This is one of the most one-sided articles I have ever come across and I’ve come across a few as a “Dumper” who is looking to navigate no contact as best I can. Because I do care for the one I walked away from. There is such low push for accountability in these articles, dumpees, are so many times over portrayed as the victim and will never shed light on the fact that sometimes the emotional and maturity stage in which they are when dumped can sometimes be just as detrimental to a relationship. The possessiveness, the jealousy, the condescending, lack of gratitude, the disrespect. The poor spending habits, lack of life aspiration, lack of career motivation, the laziness in partnership, the lack of accountability in partnership. Where do we talk about that while claiming exe’s just walk out on you and are bad bad people deserving of suffering.
It’s so one sided that it literally is cringe- pandering to bruised egos is what this article is:
All these magical unicorn dumpees are just amazing amazing perfect partners and dumpers: whooa just bottom shelf heartless fiends praying on the innocent. And I get it, the pain that we caused by walking away, the cognitive dissonance one has to face now we’re gone, the fairytale ending that seem to vanish as quickly as it came and replayed over and over in your mind. But seriously- Dumpee, ask yourself, how many time did you promise us you would attempt to do better, how many times did we dumpers overlook, forgive, compromise, work with you. Where we were walking on eggshells, now, did you think out of line behavior or worse that was exuded toward us or just from yourself would just fade away in the name of love?
There is no such thing as unconditional love-
A reminded that we dumpers are far from perfect, far from it, not angels at all- yes a lot of you were truly great partners and someone decided that was not enough, a lot of emotionally immature dumpers DON’T understand the meaning or capacity of a solid healthy relationship even when so blatantly spelled out for them as you did, and you gave your best trying to be that-
but let’s halt the fake news, it’s not all of you.
Let me tell you, every time I’ve had to walk away- it was to save myself: my sanity, my dignity, the love that was being poured into you in hopes that it would inspire you. I had to take that back dumpee, yeah what you might not have realized is while you were taking for granted and thinking that I would love you and your dysfunction eternally, I was losing myself, shocked to watch the real you come to surface after the swoons and honeymoon of your best bf/gf behavior ebbed away and what was left was a person not so nice, not so kind, not so considerate. Sure some days we had a lot of laughs but others, your red flags were blaring loud and clear. Our fault is sometimes we want to see the good in you even when some of you can honestly be really rotten- it’s the truth
So go on, do some soul searching I would love to find a way back to you but not in some place where you feel you are owed vindication for me choosing to love and respect myself- over you. That’s delusional. I hope and pray that if that’s what you’re hoping to find to validate yourself that I have already moved on to someone I truly don’t have to walk away from to make a stance or a point. and I hope you never have to too.
Sincerely the Dumper
Hi Madeline.
It wasn’t my intention to portray dumpees as victims. I just wanted to sympathize with the pain they’re going through.
Also, I’m sorry that you got involved with someone who wasn’t right for you. If this person wasn’t willing to grow no matter how many times you asked or urged him to, dumping him was the only way for you to be happy and for him to work on himself.
Best regards,
Zan
You sure use a lot of words you clearly don’t know, eh?
The term “unicorn” for instance signifies an overwhelming desire for an unattainable or unobtainable idealized symbol of perfection.
How exactly does a dumpee fit that model ever?
We get it. You’re a bitch and you want people to stop calling you a bitch and instead re-victimize the victims.
But this was a swing and a miss. Came across as pretty bitchy as a matter of fact.
Use words you know, bitch.
Ayo incel alert
Madeline, you seem to think that most dumpees deserve being dumped and they are damaged goods and therfore deserve to be dumped because they didn’t dot their Ps and Qs to your standards. I got along with my ex for 22 years and never did she ever give me a hint as to her unhappiness. It’s been over 4 years since she left and I can’t say I’d ever want her back. I met a new girlfriend who’s more woman than she’ll ever be and she’s a coward who just dumped and ran without explaination. I don’t hate her but she’ll NEVER have the oppertunity to dump me again. She’s a loser!!!
I understand where you’re coming from but i for one was one of the good guys that was dumped for reason where I did nothing wrong. So I like this article for me.
Super relatable, thanks for the article! My ex and I broke up 6 years ago. God I miss him soo much. Hes married now but doesnt have kids yet. We met when were were in high school and dated through college and after that as well. We were inseperable when we were together. I loved him so so much and he loved me like crazy back. I thought we would be together forever. I have to take deep breaths now whenever I think of him so I dont get sucked back into the emotions and keep falling for him in my head over and over again.
We borke up 3 years after we both graduated from school. It was a rough moment in both our lives at the time. We both were working in NYC then and lvied in a tiny apartment. It was cramped but we made it work. We had never lived together before this as we went to different colleges but not that far apart. It was a bit of a learning curve at first. I knew he was a bit messy but I helped clean him up and get him to be more organized and a cleaner person. There were always small things like that that were ruts or speedbumps it felt, but we always talked about them and how we felt and were able to overcome them. Finances were also always a rough topic as we were both not making much money, I was at NBC in a very low level position and he was in also a low level marketing position. We also had a lot of debt from college. We made it work though we lived very much on the edge for a bit but we made it work.
At this point I honestly thought we were going to get married eventually, I mean we did talk about it a lot to be honest. Well not a ton but more of like what we wanted in our lives and our futures. We were on similar paths, we I always wanted kids and he was a but on the fence about it but he eventualy leaned towards having them as well.
Well on the third year of living together I really messed up. He was out of town for the weekend and I went out with some friends. We went to a club and got invited into the VIP area and sat at a table with some rich yuppie guys that invited us over, probably investment bankers or trust fund kids. Well we kept partying and chugging champange and vodka. Someone suggest we leave and go to an after party. We ended up heding over to one of the guys penthouse. It was an insane place, views of the whole city in the middle of Tribeca. We kept dirnking and partying and he took out coke and we were hesitant but started to partake. We did some lines and kept drinking by that time we were messed up like bad. We were haning out on the main guys bed and when everyone else left we stayed talking. We ended up making out. I stopped it there but the door was open and one of my friends saw me as well. Well a few weeks later my BF is away again for a conference and I left for the night to my parents. He came back as soon as I left I think and took all his stuff. I came back to all his things missing. I thought we got robbed then saw it was just his stuff so obviously was like oh my god he found out. Which we did, my friend told her bf who was friends with my bf. He told my bf. My bf didnt even say goodbye, we just texted me saying I left, i took my stuff, I know what you did we are done. He then blocked me on everything and totally vanished. It was my fault 100% I messed up bad. I tredi to get in contact with him through friends but they told me he didnt wanna talk. He was my soul mate, the love of my life, and the future father of my children. I was going to marry him, I loved him more than anything or anyone, I was meant to be with him forever. I never dated anyone else and never wanted to. It was all my fault and I went into a depressive pit of hatred and self pity, anger and rage, anxiety and panic attacks. I wish I could take it all back, I wish I would wake up the next day at that aparment again and not have done it. I couldnt accept the fact that I ruined my life and his. I finally accpted what I did later on, and slightly moved on but still love him. I know i messed up, I cheated with that kiss and dont deserve him. Im still in love with him though and cant stop thinking about him. Iv tried to reach out and apologize but he wont have it and hasnt unblocked me. Im sure he doesnt need the apology but I need to give it, eventhough I dont deserve to. I hope to get back to him one day but know it might be impossible I heard tho he actually cheated on his wife. I know theyre getting divorced and wanna give him time but want to be there for him and try again. I have to see if he forgives me, which I hope after what he did he will. Its been 6 years though so dont know if we will ever feel the love again but I do hope so. I really do.
It’s a touching story… Sorry dear
No need to save face around anybody here. He probably believes you slept with a guy like that than just a kiss. Just reading this I think you slept with that guy. Plus, the punishment doesn’t fit the crime, but that’s my opinion. no judgement here if you did it, just own it
I was with my ex for a year and then another year on and off. I was in my early 20s and he 10 years older, this was 17 years ago. We broke up largely because I was looking for marriage and kids, which he had already done and wasn’t looking fit that as immediately as I was. It was a horrible break up and frankly, I acted like a nut!!!!! I sought out someone the exact opposite of him and have been married to him for 13 (mostly miserable) years. I have finally made the decision to divorce my husband (he is a severe alcoholic that has spent half our marriage in rehab). My ex and I have lived in the same town all these years and have never bumped in to each other, suddenly over the last few months I see him everywhere!!! I believe in signs and fate, and can only hope that is what is happening. These run ins don’t turn in to interactions, Usually just see him in passing or sometimes I run the other way not knowing how to approach it. I worry he still thinks if me as the young, overly dramatic ex girlfriend. I know that he loved me, i have never doubted that. I’ve realized over the years that my happiest days were with him, I was the most true to myself with him. I’ve lost myself so much over the years and am finally working on gaining that all back. I don’t know how to approach him or if I even should. Do I just let him see that I’m making improvements to myself and maybe he’ll come back? I’m so afraid of rejection that I won’t even send him a follow request on Instagram, I’d rather not know then deal with rejection. Is this all a pipe dream or could this happen?
I’ve found this page, because I’ve reconnected with my ex, who was my first ever boyfriend (and I his first girlfriend). I dumped him in 2015, so almost five years ago. I was stubborn of not contacting him, I had deleted him from facebook, email and all. Two years ago, we started chatting, but only once every couple weeks, since we are in different countries. A few days ago, I saw his face live on Skype and it made me realize that I still love him, never stopped. No clue of what his feelings are, but I know that we both have not dated anyone else since 2015. Anyone thinks that it could work, technically speaking ?
Hey Catherine, I have exactly the same situation but I haven’t contacted him. Last time we texted was 1,5 years ago and now I really have the urge to talk to him. I left him in 2017 but not because I didn’t love him. I don’t know what to do, I’m not sure if he wants to hear from me anyway and I don’t want to act unfair towards him.
This article included a lot of assumptions about the hypothetical breakup so I’m not buying into it. Just wanted to know how you’re doing now.
Doesn’t matter which side of a breakup I’m on. If it happens, I turn the page and I’m GONE. See ya!
Ex gf of 2 years just reached out for her belongings.. (a blender, some books, etc.) After a year of not speaking I find this odd, as she already picked up her important things long ago.
I think Quarantine is getting the best of her lol.
What’s y’all’s thoughts on this?
Hi, I was with my ex for 20 years, we’ve been apart now for 10 years. We have a child together who is now an adult. Our child was affected badly by the breakup and still currently lives at home. In the 10 years we’ve been apart I’ve not even dated. I think the breakup destroyed my self-confidence so much. I’ve just had a big birthday and decided that I’m changing aspects of myself, my self belief, so that’s a current project. I have begun dreaming about my ex, which is what brought me here. Those dreams are me re-evaluating our past. Even though we’ve been apart 10 years I dont believe I would want to get back with him (he left for someone else). For me, he is like a chapter in my life that I didn’t enjoy the ending of. What worries me though is that the pain of the ending has numbed me to the idea of ever starting over.
Thank you for sharing this! Very wise and insightful thought at the end. I’m in a similar situation.
It’s been 6 years of indefinite no contact. I miss him often still. I don’t think about him as much or daily. He truly made me the happiest in my whole life. Pretty sure it was the same for him. I have since dated others. Even some lasting a long time. It’s just not the same. I still dream of him on occasion. He crosses my mind here and there. The bad doesn’t so much linger anymore. Mostly just reminiscing of good or the best times. I sometimes wonder does he still think of me too. He has since dated others. Not sure about the status of them or if he’s currently in a serious relationship I don’t bother to look or find out. I had him blocked on social media this whole time. I was angry , sad and not ready to allow us to have a chance to get back. I feel that because he didn’t text me after we broke up or tried to call , contact me on social media in any form that he just didn’t want to be friends or care enough to resolve. Maybe he was hurt and angry as well like myself. I gave it time. The only thing I did was text him from a mutual friends phone and had her ask him questions that I needed/wanted to know. Did he really love and care for me and was he happy. He answered yes he truly did so it was mutual and it was a very, very bad break up the worst. I feel like that’s what ruined my chances of ever getting back together or reconciling. I got the answers and closure I needed which is more than most. I just cannot help but believe that someday even if 15-30 years has gone by we will find our way back to each other somehow, some way. I’m gonna leave my social media unblocked to leave the invite open for him to contact me in the future. Even if he never does. I don’t think it’s a good idea if I try to on my end he will think of me as playing games or trying to bother him. That’s not what I want I would rather us reconnect as friends get to know one another again as individuals and if we still have the closeness and connection maybe that’s a new beginning. I cannot put my life on hold or wait for something that may never happen. So if I find someone who makes me happy again like that feeling I won’t let it go and I learned from my past mistakes. I haven’t let me heart fully open again and maybe that’s why I’m closed off because I feel he was the one. We were engaged and he was my soul mate , connection found rarely in a lifetime. To me it was perfect and I regret the things that happened between us. I forgiven myself and him. I wish I could go back in time and redo or fix things but that’s not a possibility. I believe in fate , love and that if it’s truly meant to be the universe will find a way to bring us together again. If it doesn’t I live out the rest of this lifetime without the best , most wonderful, beautiful great experience and relationship without “him”.
Aw, I read your post and was touched by what you wrote. I think you should contact him. When it is his birthday send him a Birthday card or message him happy birthday. leave it simple hoping you have a great day nothing else, nothing more and see what happens. If he contacts you and ask you why you sent him a message tell him you were thinking of him. Wait for a reply and if you do not get one then around Christmas send him a Merry Christmas message but also keep it simple. Wishing you a Merry Christmas. Do this every year and maybe in time he will contact you. This is what I am doing with my ex. I love her but I leave her alone except to send her a card on her birthday and Christmas every year. I do this to let her know I care but that is it. A friend of mine told me his girlfriend broke up wiith him and it was bad because he had drinking problems. He is better now. He decided to leave her alone but he would send her a birthday card every year and nothing else. 7 years later she contacted him out of the blue and now they are married. When all hope was lost he did not give up because he loved her. She dumb him and she came back. He gave me hope that one day my ex girlfriend will come back and I will also be her daughter’s step dad. You see I lost two people and it was double the trauma but I am improving myself and hoping one day that this will work out. I have dated other women but my ex is in my heart so it is not fair to the other women and dating has not changed my feelings for my ex so now I stay single. Good luck, keep improving yourself but do not give up. He is probably feeling the you feel and is waiting to hear from you.
I empathise Bill. I have been broken up from my ex girlfriend of 5 years for 5 years now. Like you i can’t love anybody else. I was a step father to her daughter. We were very close too. I miss them both terribly. The feeling of hopelessness is overwhelming. I saw her about a year ago. We hugged and chatted briefly. She did not reply to any of my subsequent two texts.
I am not sure if sending a birthday card is a good idea.
So sad.
Good luck mate.
Hello me and my ex that broke up exactly a month ago today. We were together for 9 months. Our relationship had a true connection but the biggest problem was my trust for him. He never cheated but will just lie about certain things, that needed the truth. We really broke up because I snooped through his photos and assumed a photo in there, but com to find out it was not connected to him. He had enough it, of my trust for him, and always reassuring me. Plus he did not like the way I would act because we will soon be a long-distance couple in a few months, but you know he broke up with me before that.
He still wanted to stay as friends, best friends even; however currently that is not working. I found out few weeks after we broke up he was flirting with girls and he found out I was still snooping thorough his privacy. I was hurt at him for his actions and he was upset at me also. We both truly love each other. But i am so confused right now if there is even a chance of getting back together. I tried to do the no contact thing, but he does not want to.
Any Advice please?
Hi Faith.
No contact is about you, so it doesn’t matter what he wants. Start by going no contact and correct your shortcomings.
Best,
Zan