The no contact rule can work twice. It can work again whether you:
- broke no contact and reached out
- got back together with your ex and got dumped again
If I’m completely honest, the no contact rule can work twice, thrice, or even four and five times. Its efficiency depends not on how many times you break it but on the mistakes you make (or avoid) and your ex’s ability to process the past and see you in a positive light. The more developed your ex is and the less you annoy your ex, the higher the chances that no contact will work twice.
So make sure to stick to the rules of no contact and let your ex message or call you. You have to stop making breakup mistakes if you want your ex to respect you, miss you, and want to be with you. It’s not a guarantee that your ex will come back if you follow no contact down to the t, but no contact is the healthiest and most successful method for reattracting an ex and getting back with him or her.
This self-imposed rule can be hard to stay faithful to it at times, but it makes the strongest possible impression on your ex because it shows your ex that you’re focusing on yourself and moving on from him or her.
Today’s post is dedicated to dumpees who wonder if no contact can work twice on dumpers.
Can no contact work twice on dumpers?
If you broke the no contact rule and reached out to your ex, try not to panic. I want you to know that no contact can work a second time. It can still give your ex the space and freedom your ex needs.
But just because it can work again, this doesn’t mean you should take it any less seriously. You should keep in mind that every time you reach out and communicate with your ex, you increase the chances of your ex misinterpreting you and raising his or her guard. This is because you reach out on your terms and put expectations on your ex.
Your ex may not be ready to reach your expectations yet. He or she could still be recovering from the breakup aftereffects and needs more time to figure out what the best thing to do is.
Every breakup is different, of course, but you should do your best to stick to the rules of no contact. Don’t break the rules just because you’re anxious, scared, and lonely. Acting on these emotions will overwhelm your ex and risk destroying your ex’s opinion and interest in you.
You’ll look much more attractive and secure if you remain in control of your emotions and let your ex come to you. At least that way, your ex will talk to you because that’s what your ex will want to do.
Stay in no contact! No ifs, no buts!
I know there is a lot of misleading information on the internet. Some breakup experts shamelessly encourage broken-hearted dumpees to reach out after a certain time.
They tell them to reason with their ex and try to talk their way back into the relationship. They don’t know or care that such behaviors make dumpees look weak and desperate and push dumpers away.
So if you want your ex back and you want to give no contact an honest try, bear in mind that no contact is indefinite. You can’t reach out to tell your ex how you feel and what you expect.
You can’t even pretend to be friends because:
- Your ex isn’t ready.
- You aren’t ready and are going to get hurt.
If you recently got broken up with and you’re thinking of reaching out to your ex (again), you must engrave on your memory that reaching out to your ex prematurely is not going to work the way you hope it will.
If anything, it’s going to create the opposite results. Instead of pulling your ex closer like a magnet, communication is going to scare your ex off and repel him or her. It’s going to make your ex lose respect for you and crave even more alone time.
Since your ex hasn’t contacted you first, your ex’s inaction should tell you everything you need to know. It should tell you that your ex isn’t ready to speak with you yet and that you shouldn’t try to force your ex to speak with you. You’re in a lot of pain, but you should be understanding of what your ex is going through and leave your ex alone.
If you ever doubt no contact or think that your ex is pretending to be over you, remember that actions speak louder than words. They express what your ex wants and doesn’t want and how he or she treats dumpees and people he or she no longer associates with.
No contact isn’t a game or some kind of manipulation technique. It’s a simple self-imposed rule that aims to help you rebuild broken self-esteem and allows you to detach and regain strength. If your ex needs your strength and confidence, your ex will likely reach out and try to extort validation and happiness from you.
Your ex could do that as long as you respect yourself and have the power to help your ex.
So while you’re waiting for your ex to need your help, try to convince yourself that the no contact rule can work twice and that it has worked twice on other dumpers before. But also, don’t forget that if you keep messing up, your ex will notice that you’re reaching out because of anxiety and insecurity and think that he or she can’t rely on you for emotional support and other things dumpers sometimes need from exes.
So stay strong in no contact by remembering that no contact is effective. But it’s effective only if you play by the rules and work on improving your confidence, happiness, and the things your ex took away from you by breaking up with you.
These are the things your ex could want from you one day when anxiety and pain hit your ex hard.
Consistency is one of the biggest ways to influence your ex
As you may already know, people value consistency. And so does your ex. The more consistent you are with no contact and its rules, the more reliable and authentic you’ll appear to your ex and the people your ex is close to.
On the other hand, every time you break the silence and reach out, you’ll portray weakness and inauthenticity. You’ll show that you need your ex back for self-acceptance purposes and that you’re the type of person who is inconsistent when it comes to respecting himself/herself and the person who dumped you.
As a result, you’ll lose trustworthiness, respect, and the value your ex sees in you.
So take my advice seriously and stay in no contact for good. I know you’re anxious and apprehensive about the future, but you mustn’t contact your ex because of it. Your ex can’t help you with your internal struggles. Only you can do that.
So be brave and rely on yourself rather than your ex for healing. It will take some practice and a lot of self-control, but you can do it. You just need to understand that breaking no contact hinders healing, growth, and happiness and lowers your chances of reconciliation.
Of course, your chances greatly depend on what you say and do. If you merely reach out to say “hello, ” you probably won’t cause too much harm. You’ll just make your ex wonder why you reached out.
But if you tell your ex to give you closure or to do something you want him or her to do, then you probably will cause harm. You’ll force your ex to reach your expectations even though your ex just wants to focus on his or her own life.
Even though no contact can work many times, the truth is that it will eventually stop working. I don’t know when that will be, but when your ex gets fed up with replying to you and helping you cope with separation anxiety, your ex will stop thinking of you as a reliable ex-partner who can be of help and start thinking of you as someone who won’t accept the breakup and give it a rest.
Protect your post-breakup persona
For a minute, try to imagine that you’re an undefeated character from a video game. This videogame avatar comes with different attributes and appears to be amazing at what he does.
For years, nothing and no one has been able to beat him and ruin his image. He’s dealt with monsters and dragons attacking his village with ease, so he’s a real hero.
Here’s what this knight looks like.
Since he’s strong and confident in his abilities, he’s adored by others and respected for his success. He’s a truly strong and brave videogame character.
But one day, his winning streak comes to an end. He encounters a dragon who defeats him and makes him flee for his life. The village is destroyed as a result and its people aren’t very happy about it. In their eyes, the knight’s value has dropped significantly as he’s no longer reliable but a coward who fleed.
All it took was one bad decision and everything he’s accomplished through years of hard work suddenly means nothing to them.
Most people who think less of him do so only because they used to value him externally. They respected him for his achievements and not for the person he was.
Value is not fixed
It’s truly a shame, but that’s the way people are. They lose respect for a person they admired when they lose feelings or when they find someone else.
Here’s what the character’s attributes look like after his defeat.
The avatar’s statistics dropped significantly.
He’s no longer the most respected person in the community because someone else could take his place and do better than him. He could be of use only if new heroes are defeated and fail to protect them.
Since his value dropped, he is now presented with two options.
- He can try to reason with his people and come up with some excuse as to why he failed to exude strength and protect them.
- Or he can stay away from them and let them think what they want.
As he’s waiting for the dust to settle, the knight, of course, discovers that there is only one way to level up and increase his attributes and overall value.
The only way to fix the mess he’s in is to work on the reasons that made him fail. That won’t make people realize his worth, but it will allow him to stay put and be asked for help when other knights fail to protect the village. That’s when they could come to him as a last resort and give him a chance to showcase his abilities, worth, and commitment.
Improving a post-breakup persona takes time
Just how the imaginary character’s persona took time to improve, so will yours. It will take time and negative experiences because these things could change your ex’s opinion about you and help your ex feel better about you.
So don’t think that your ex will contact you and/or come back when you want your ex to come back. If your ex is meant to be with you, your ex will come back when you least expect him/her to and no longer need your ex to empower you. That’s when you’ll appear the most attractive you can be and impress your ex.
Keep in mind that the no contact rule can work twice if you slipped up in your moment of weakness.
However, if you’re going to follow the indefinite no contact rule, try to do it right on your first try. Do it with confidence because the fewer mistakes you make and the more confident you appear, the better the chances that your ex will want to speak with you and want something from you again
That’s because you’ll handle a highly emotional situation the way your ex expects you and wants you to handle it.
Fearing your ex in no contact
It’s normal and common to be afraid in no contact. Not speaking with your ex can make you fear that your ex is moving on without you and that he or she isn’t thinking about you and contemplating getting back with you.
Although your ex isn’t planning to get back with you, you need to know that fear isn’t something that should control your actions. It may influence your thoughts and feelings, but you can’t let it force you to reach out to your ex.
Fear-induced reactions will make no contact much less effective. They will make you look anxious and scared that your ex will find someone else and that your ex will get married and be happy with someone else.
No matter how afraid you are, try to remain in control of your life. Remember that you’re waiting for your ex to start worrying that you’ll meet someone else because that could make your ex respect you and want to be with you again.
Normally, dumpers are relieved because of the breakup. But when they fail to find happiness in their ex’s absence, they often realize their ex’s worth and become afraid. This is because they start to wonder if their ex is with someone else and fear that they’ll discover that he or she is.
If you stay in no contact, your ex will have plenty of time to think about you. Your ex will wonder what you’re doing, who you’re with, and if he or she still matters to you. Such thoughts could cause your ex to develop respect and perhaps even fear losing you completely.
I suppose it depends on how badly your ex wants to talk to you and what your ex expects from you.
My no contact experience
I’d like to tell you about my no contact experience, particularly about my ex reaching out 4 months or so into no contact.
If I told you that my ex was so nervous when she reached out that she messed up something as simple as my name, would you believe me? You’d probably think it was a typo, right?
Well, it wasn’t.
The order in which my ex wrote my name and what she wanted to convey was inverted. She messed up so badly that it seemed as if she never learned basic grammar.
Although I understood what she wanted to say, it seemed strange. She never struck me as the type who would make such a simple mistake. Especially not when her message was the first text after no contact and that she had plenty of time to reread it and correct it.
Surely, there had to be a reason for her mistake, I thought. And fortunately, there was. She was so nervous about the things I would say that the message she wrote ended up being different from the message she had in her mind.
But did she tell me this? No, of course not. She brushed it off because she didn’t want me to know how she felt. She wanted to hide her fear and pretend she felt fine.
Your ex probably won’t tell you how she feels either. She’ll show you signs of nervousness non-verbally because she probably won’t be able to hide it that way.
Most people, especially ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends would rather eat a brick than admit they’re nervous. That’s because they don’t want to give away power and control.
I’m telling you this because I want you to understand that your ex is a human being just like you. If you’re capable of anxiety and fear, so is your ex. So don’t be afraid of your ex. Instead, try to understand where your fear comes from and work on it so that it stops haunting you and controlling your behavior.
I broke the no contact rule. Now what?
If you broke the no contact rule and you’re dejected because of it, don’t ruminate over the reach-out. Start following no contact again immediately so that you can get over this hurdle and resume your healing process.
There’s no need to apologize to your ex. In fact, apologizing to an ex will make you look weak and might even put expectations on your ex. So save yourself the trouble and continue no contact as if you never broke it.
Only next time, do no contact indefinitely. Don’t break it again because every time you reach out to your ex, you set yourself back emotionally.
Look, it’s not the end of the world if you broke no contact. But you might have lost some of your ex’s respect. This is especially true if the breakup is fresh and you made your ex feel pressured into responding to you.
No matter what you did and what your ex felt, don’t blame yourself. Just go back to no contact and stick to it forever. Stay in it whether it’s your ex’s birthday or if something bad happened to your ex. Your pain and the things happening to your ex aren’t excuses to reach out and communicate with your ex.
They’re signs you need to distract yourself and focus on your happiness more.
You need to wait for your ex to contact you because that’s when you’ll be able to talk as equals and not smother or hurt each other. You may not get back together, but at least you’ll be capable of having a normal conversation.
Is it too late for the no contact rule to work?
If you haven’t been doing no contact and you’ve realized that your ex is happy and you’re miserable, it’s not too late to go no contact. It’s never too late to start following this rule because no contact will help you heal and reduce your ex-dependency.
As for your ex, your ex might finally realize that you’re not willing to be his or her friend and that you’re putting yourself first.
This won’t necessarily force your ex to come back, but it will make your ex respect you. It will show your ex that you don’t need anyone other than yourself and that you’re going to do whatever makes you happy.
That’s what no contact is all about. Most dumpees don’t realize it, but no contact can help them fall back in love with themselves and restore their passion for life.
I know you want the no contact rule to work on your ex twice, but try to make no contact about yourself. Use it to detach from your ex, improve your self-esteem, and grow your self-love.
If your ex notices that you value yourself, then perhaps your ex will value you too when the time is right. There’s only one way to find out – and that’s by restarting no contact and staying in it even on your bad days when you miss your ex so much it hurts.
When is it too late to start no contact?
The longer you pretend to be friends with your ex, the smaller the chances that no contact will work again.
That’s because no contact is all about self-respect and independence. You can’t make your ex love you when you don’t even love yourself. All you can do is show that you’re happy to settle for less than you deserve and that you need your ex in your life.
So go no contact right away. Leave your ex alone and show your ex you rely only on yourself for health and happiness.
You’ll probably doubt no contact from time to time and think that you can crawl back into your ex’s heart by asking for another chance. But bear in mind that insecure actions will only get you hurt and strung along. They’ll make you even more emotionally dependent on your ex and prevent you from moving on.
So know that it’s never too late to start or resume no contact. As long as you’re hurt and need your ex back for validation, you need to respect yourself and demand that your ex respects you in return. That’s the only way your ex will be able to find a reason to communicate with you and feel good about it too.
No contact can work twice if you don’t ruin your image
Since most exes come back when they’re sad, anxious, desperate, depressed, and defeated, your only option is to disconnect from your ex and pull away.
Let your ex experience life without you while you focus on bettering yourself and moving on. Your value as a person needs to increase, remember?
That won’t happen when you’re too afraid to step away from your ex and develop self-reliance.
The only time it’s too late to go no contact is when you completely destroy your value by taking revenge on your ex or when your ex ruins your reputation himself or herself.
No contact won’t work or work again when your value drops so much that your ex can’t improve the way he or she perceives you. Sadly, not everything can be fixed. Some things are beyond repair as people lack the tools and willpower to fix them.
Slow and steady wins the race
I’ve personally seen the no contact rule work twice before.
I’ve also seen it work in situations where the dumper started dating someone else and got married. That’s why I’m convinced that if you messed up once and didn’t cause too much harm, you will probably hear from your ex in the future.
You’ll have a conversation with your ex that may or may not lead anywhere and then decide what the best thing to do is.
The problem is that people expect no contact to work days or weeks after the breakup. They want it to work right away even though no contact usually takes a lot more time to work.
How much time depends on each dumper, but it usually happens when something bad happens to the dumper. That’s when the dumper gets a reality check and suffers a blow to the ego.
Throughout this article, I’ve mentioned the word value over and over again. I’ve done that because a dumpee’s value is a prerequisite to getting back with an ex. It’s the thing that gets the dumpee dumped and the thing that brings the dumper back.
Please keep in mind that if your importance is high, your ex will most likely come running back to you when he or she gets hurt and needs help. That’s because your ex will need you to patch his or her wounds and feel validated. You need to protect your image and value so that your ex can respect you and want to be a part of your life again.
Did the no contact rule work twice for you? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic. Comment below the post.
And if you’re trying to learn more about no contact and the effects it can have on your ex, check out our coaching options on this page.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
My ex broke things off in May 2021, I went immediately into no contact and after two months he reached out asking me to attend a wake for his cousin that passed. I went. However, we own a business together and we remained business partners throughout the breakup but we had a huge disagreement one day and it Led to a shouting match between us. 2 days after that we had sex after I initiated and right after sex, I asked if there’s any chance we could get back together, he told me “chances are slim” the same night I asked him again, he said, “it isn’t going to work out right now”. I went back into strategic contact only conversing about business. My fellow dumpees, is there still a chance?
Hi Jodie.
Your ex lost feelings for you, so don’t expect him to get back with you. I suggest that you stop sleeping with him as he doesn’t deserve it. Being intimate is only going to give you false hope and confuse you.
He needs more time to discern your worth. So stay in no contact. It’s hard to say if he’ll redevelop feelings because he still craves his space.
Sincerely,
Zan
My ex and I dated for about 9 months but only labeled it bf/gf 3 months prior to breaking up. 3 weeks ago he broke up with me because he was depressed and just wasn’t feeling it anymore, I guess he lost feelings. I attempted NC once but cracked because he kept messaging me over and over. He then said he wanted to just be friends, I confessed to still having feelings for him. He rejected me. We spoke a bit but three days ago I went back into NC and plan on sticking to it.
I’m feeling pretty discouraged about getting him back but I really just want to get over him at this point. Of course I still want him back, but I don’t know if I totally blew my chances. During the first three weeks we did keep contact and I am guilty of saying I wanted to be friends when in reality I did not. It was a little later I confessed to still having feelings. My first attempt at NC lasted 3 days.
I wish I had not caved in. I really love this person but they seem relieved more than anything. My ex is also a text book fearful avoidant.
Is there still a shot at getting him back?
So I have been one of your faithful readers that unfortunately went rogue….My ex and I initially broke up in May 2020, I was completely devastated. After a week of trying to figure out what went wrong (as the breakup happened over text) I went into NC and worked on myself. Had a few hiccups along the way but pushed forward. Three months into NC, feeling a little nostalgic I checked out his status on social media, which I accidently sent a message which I quickly deleted or so I thought… Anyhow, that opened up the lines of communication. Sporadic at best, which turned more frequent. Alas we got back together in November 2020. It was probably not the smartest idea as I realized I didn’t completely detach from him and everything just picked up exactly where it left off, all the bad things included. As you guessed, we broke up again February 2021, due to work obligations, once again over text without any conversation (he’s definitely an avoidant). I’ll be honest, I care about him immensely but also know I cannot be in a situation with the lack of communication. I have started NC once again, not with the intention of reconciliation but more for in the future of hopefully becoming friends. I guess I’m just feeling lost now and needed an outlet to put down my thoughts. I guess what you’re saying in the article is true, let them come to you. I now know that if any type of relationship is to flourish it would have to be initiated on his end.
Your situation sounds almost identical to mine, even the timeline. I don’t know if this is possible but I would appreciate the opportunity to connect so that we could possibly commiserate:) Please let me know if you are interested and if there is a way that we could connect. Thanks!!
Hey I hope all is well, I completely understand your frustrations. I’m sorry that you’re going through the same thing. We can definitely support each other. I know these articles have definitely helped me a lot. Keep your head up!
I broke no contact couple days ago when I saw my ex was on Tinder. Just couldn`t fight the urge of letting her know that i knew. Big mistake for sure. It´s just that she was the one according to her that was “so broken” after break up and didn´t appreciate rebounds or one night stands. But still there she was after only three months from break up. Some bullshit! I didn´t confront her or anything like that. Just told her I wondered how she could also already be there looking for new hookups and then wished her “happy dickhunt” with a smiley. Also said I was gonna delete my profile since I felt I wasn´t ready to date yet – which I did. She replied to me with a happy holidays wish and that was that.
In this case breaking no contact made feel a bit better for a while at first since I got to say what i had to say. But now I feel like I shouldn´t have done it and just keep my cool. So going on indefinite no contact again cause I´m suffering from anxiety… although I`m not sure if I even want her back, this just for my own mental health. On with the show.
Thanx for a great website!
Hi Zan and fellow readers,
My ex and I broke up in June, initially I started with NC but only lasted 2 weeks and then seeked him out, and for the following 4 months I was constantly visiting and acting needy and desperate. He gradually started to be annoyed, avoidant, passive aggressive, stonewalling and angry at my need for his constant attention. I was experience high separation anxiety and not giving him the space he wanted. Eventually I could not hold my emotions and caused a big scene and that left me with he last bit of self esteem that I had.
I started NC for the second time, and really focused on myself, my anxiety left, and I was able to get myself back to a space that I started to feel normal and energetic again. The NC really does give you back your self worth and value. I was in NC for 4 weeks when the ex reached out with a txt which I responded. Then 2 weeks later he came over to my house to visit. Which we chatted.
I broke NC 2 weeks later to go and talk with him, which was ok, and was a positive response but Im not sure if it was the right move. We ended with a cuddle, and a kiss which was nice, but I need to take it slow.
He has been txting me quite often since. I’m just not sure what to do moving forward? Do I just waiting always for him to reach out? or do I reach out ?
Hi Zan and my fellow dumpees,
At the start of July my ex-girlfriend left me and I tried to talk to her (no begging or pleading) and I asked to meet up so I could get some closure, she firmly declined and proceeded to block me on WhatsApp after saying some harsh words. After that I immediately entered no contact.
Fast forward a month and I got a text from her saying that she was ill with Covid and that her rebound had failed, we spoke solidly for about 4-5 weeks, we didn’t argue once and conversation was fun and light. I was very good to her whilst she was ill and she acknowledged that herself even after the nasty things she said post break up and she said she was very appreciative of my laid back and caring ways.
However, about 6 weeks ago I sensed our conversation was drying up and she said that she didn’t think we should be talking, again I didn’t plead or beg, I simply asked what made her say that and she said that we should both move on properly. Again, I respected her choice and after I sent her a final message I entered no contact again. The final message I sent her I said that “If you want to be a part of my life great, if not I’m not going to beg you. I don’t have time for arguments or ill feeling, take care.”
Throughout I feel I carried myself with self-respect but also respect for her, do you think no contact would work again in this instance?
On a side note I’m not blocked anywhere and I’m still on her contacts list, so I could easily reach out but I know full well not to do so.
Thank you 🙂
How’s it gone since then? And I’d say far down the line, she may contact. I think she came to you in a time of need, and after you gave her what she needed whilst she was down in the dumps, she then got recharged and moved on. One of Zan’s articles talk about exes that come back. She sounds like a an Exhausted Warrior. Always coming back for care after doing battle with the world (trying to find better, dating others, weighing options). I’d say the next time she’ll contact you is when she’s been hurt/entered a rough patch again. And frankly, I think you shouldn’t be as receptive the next time, if there is one. She’s either gotta earn it, and if she doesn’t, you should save yourself the grief of seeing her go again and wish her well.
My ex broke up with me in feb, and for the first 3 months I did no contact. As the pandemic got worst in her city (were in a LDR) I reached out. For the next 3 months our communication has been breadcrumps. I recently sent her furniture back & now there is nothing tied to us anymore after 7 months of being broken up. I got tired of small talk, so I decided to do the no contact rule again. This time I don’t plan on breaking it because she showed so little interest in holding a conversation with me. I hope I can stay strong and not give back in to texting her.
Hi Sean,
I really hope this time round you stick to NC, honestly it is the best thing. I think the best thing is preserving your self-worth as it is not worth chasing after someone who won’t give you the time of day. Also you can’t expect someone to miss you if you linger around like a bad smell!
I know it’s tough as I’m doing it myself, but as the weeks go on it gets a lot easier and you’ll just end up getting stronger and stronger. Plus it’ll be a lot sweeter for you in the end if/when she comes running back with her tail between her legs!
Stay strong bro
My ex just dumped me for the second time 6 days ago. It’s a long, complicated story, but the short version is that he is five years younger then me, and comes from a very different background. The first time we dated was for about 5 months, but when things started getting really serious and we began talking about marriage, he shows up at my house one night and says he will always love me, but can’t marry me. I did no contact on and off, but always ended up breaking it, and I believe he really didn’t have the chance to miss me. We got back together after 6.5 months, and dated for another 4. He had made some significant changes in his life, but I was having trust issues after the first breakup, especially since he went back to his ex and hooked up with her several times. We were getting counseling and things were going well. Last week he suddenly started pulling back, saying he had to talk to our counselor about concerns but couldn’t discuss them with me yet. I freaked out and blew up at him, assuming the absolute worst. Only a few days before he said he was getting ready to propose, that I am the love of his life and his best friend. He called me his wife and said I should start looking at him as my husband. Several other people got involved and several counseling sessions happend without me present (this was the counselors choice, not my exs,) and he was dead silent for two days after hitting “the pause button” on me. On Friday he shows up at my house and blamed me for a lot of things, saying I needed to grow and that I can’t do it with him as a distraction. I handled myself well and let him know how I felt about our toxic counselors, but he was unmoving. He kept saying we could grow together as friends, then maybe explore marriage again later, but I said no….I can’t be his friend. It has broken my heart even more then the first breakup, because it was so much deeper and more serious this time. I truly love this man and believe he is my soulmate. It felt like a very sudden, emotional reaction on his end. I started no contact right away and only broke it to discuss the business we started together. I want to stay commited to Nc this time. My family thinks I’m nuts, but I feel like this is a misunderstanding and desperately want him back. Thoughts?
Sounds like a covert narcissist selling the dream again! I dated mine for 8 years; google or YouTube narcissist and understand that’s probably if not definitely what your ex is.
Hello Michaela guess what after I read your story I feel like I was reading mine… My boyfriend for 9mos started pulling away last June he said he needed some time alone to sort things out on his work. However his sister got involve in our relationship and told me he was hooking up with his ex again. I freak out because we are planning for marraige this time and talking about our future together. We talked and try to fight our love the second time around but after weeks of trying to fix my trust issues he decided to give up and said we both needed time to grow individually as a person in order for us to be ready for the relationship. We decided to remain friends but I wanted to try no contact rule immediately after the breakup but sad to say this time I broke the NC rule and I called him but he didnt answer and then when he notice that my two missed calls he immediately call me and we talk casualy. The pain the coldness is there in each others voice and I know we are both not ready to be back with each other and now I decided to do NC rule again for the second time around.. Hope it will work… and by the way the reason I called him is that I was freaking out that he like his ex girlfriend post but then compose myself and decided to not destroy my chance and look like pathetic dumpee so I started to asked him about what should I do with my house… and we talk casualy about the house I am going to built alone and guess what it was our initial plan as our dream house… sounds pretty painful right…. So NC rule should be done this time around… .
Hello,
I’m confused and I’m not sure what to do. My ex and I got together January 2019. We were only together a few months when he called it off. He came back around 3 weeks later and we got back together for only 5 short days when he left again. He said he wasn’t good enough for me, I deserved better, and he was in a depressed state. I Begged for him back but he still said no. I left him be. About a week later he contacted me again and we worked things out. We were together for a little over a year. He always said I was the one for him. Called me his wife and things like that. We just got back from a vacation and were planning another trip. He suddenly broke up with me almost 2 weeks ago. He said the same thing as last time. I was too good for him, I could do better, he doesn’t think he’s ready for a long relationship, he also said the spark was gone. But he also said he was depressed again and his father had made a comment about how he would have taken his own life if it wasn’t for his son (my boyfriend). I was devastated by the breakup because we were doing so good but he also told me things when we broke up like “I didn’t delete our pictures I only archived them (meaning they are still on his Instagram and he can put them back up whenever he wants), he also said we are both young and we don’t know what will happen in the future. I got somewhat closure so I left him be. I didn’t talk to him for 5 days when he randomly snapchatted me. We talked back and fourth for a few hours. He talked about his depression and how he pushed everyone away, he will get through it on his own, he’s a pos for what he did to me and I could do better. He then just stopped replying to me. I texted him to meet up and get his clothes that I had and to get the stuff he had of mine. He pushed it off until the next day and when I said i had work I couldn’t meet he never answered, I called him the next morning and he said his phone was messing up he wasn’t avoiding me. I talked to him about my feelings and he didn’t say too much but he said he didn’t understand why I was upset, he asked how my parents felt about the break up and things like that. We got cut off so he called me back a little later and asked to continue the conversation. I did and I was pouring my heart to him. He again was listening. Then he had to go because he was at work but said he would call me later. After a few hours I decided to reach out because I hadn’t heard anything from him. He said he would call me when he got him in about and hour, assured me he wasn’t ignoring me he was just busy at work and his phone wasn’t working, I said okay and he continued to snapchat me until he got home and even after he was home but I got no call. He said he was playing his video game and would call me after. I said “okay” he then left me on read, I called him a little later but no answer, he snapchatted me that he fell asleep but then left my reply of read and no call… I called twice no answer. I texted him that he had made his point and let’s just end things nicely. Still no reply. I haven’t reached out since. I’m upset still. I constantly wonder will he come back, why randomly start talking to me when I had not made any contact with him just to string me along and ignore me. Why would he do this?
Wow, this guy is really not only inmature and confused but also taking you for granted. If he keeps coming back to you it is because he can!!. Because you don’t allow him to experience the break up and anytime he comes back, you receive him with open arms.
You need to protect yourself from his insecurities and his fear of commitment, you need to start raising your value by staying away from him…
If you really want to get back together with him and work things out for good I would just go no contact, make it really hard for him to enter your life again and when he comes back, if you decide to let him in, just be friends for a really long time to observe his behavior, if he says ” the spark was gone” that means you need to work on emotional connection as this will activate sexual connection too, men need to chase you but you are putting yourself out there on a silver plate for him, then he takes you for granted, then he loses interest…
I wouldn’t allow him to re enter my life so easily. How can you put up with so many break ups?. I would be davastated…
Hi,
so i barely lasted 10 days of the NC and with the whoel Covid-19 i couldnt help myself and messaged him to see if he was ok. he replied nicely and i just left it. didnt think it needed a response
the break up was pretty cordial he cried and i cried (i read the article about what it means when the dumper cries dont worry haha)
Now i feel really weak and dont know if the no contact rule would really work. i dont know what he is feeling right now…
by the way your website is so helpful
Hi – so I’ll just keep this as short as possible. My bf broke up with me a couple of weeks ago and he sent me a message less than a week after apologizing to me, I then responded a cold short answer with ‘its fine’. Then less than a week after THAT he messaged me again saying sorry and saying he’d been thinking of me. I then responded a long paragraph back stating why I was upset and what he’d done wrong, he took complete responsibility and apologized again to which I then asked about me and him and our future. He started responding late and then got annoyed with me as we were going back and forth. I have since ignored his last message to me and haven’t heard anything from him since (it’s been a week). I am back into no contact and wont respond to him again, do you think he’ll eventually message me back and chase again? I just need to have the upper hand again because I know I messed up.
The last thing my ex said after breaking up with me was “i love you” after some weeks i went back and we talked i poured my heart out and we kind of understood each other, so i thought. I then asked him if we can work things out and he said No that we should just be friends which i refused….i was so heart broken and sent alot of angry messages. This was before i knew about the No Contact Rule… Is there any possiblity of the NC rule working for me at this point….do i stand a chance…
(The following has only happened a week and a half ago). I as of recently was broken up with by my Ex of over a year & a half of being together. Me and him were living together for 5 months and were planning to move to Florida together which is a 14 hour drive from here.
After the bad argument we’ve had, (with him being the aggressor), he moved his stuff out early and took the essentials with him to his moms. He was asking for money we shared together as a couple at the time, and it was in my account and me trying to be the bigger person I sent him $300 which I knew he was going to need to go to Florida to live with family.
I tried reaching out two days after the incident to be nice and make things right but I was blocked so he never got the message which was probably for the better. After 5-6 days my ex started reaching out to my friend just trying to vent and say he was hurt cuz he thought I was going to press charges on him over a physical dispute that had gone on in our apartment, (we are two guys) but at some point my friend stopped responding because she feels like he should reach out to me personally rather than messaging one of my friends venting.
After a week and 5 days without speaking I took it upon myself to reach out to him Via Instagram regarding stuff asking which bills were still due so I could pay them which I was quickly met with a BLOCK and was told to refrain from contacting him and he doesn’t want to talk right now. The day after I reached out one last time to ask him to add me back on cashapp so I can send him money that I owed him but he didn’t even want my money and at that point I could tell I was hurting the situation so now I am where I think the no contact rule to begin even tho I don’t want things to be like that I do not want my image ruined since we’ve been going strong for a year and a half and we’re even living together at some point. The day before the situation he told me that I was his end all and he saw being with me forever so I’m hoping to rekindle this relationship whenever that may be; I am at the point where I don’t know what to do and I’m definitely not looking to talk to anyone else.
This was my first love and i want it to be my last. Right now I’m working on myself, constantly working and trying to get my new car and possibly move down to Florida 2-3 months from now if all goes well. I’ve been reading “The Secret” and using positive Thoughts to attract what I want in life. Please help!
P.S he’s living in Florida currently and I’m stuck in Delaware. So there’s really no way for me to see him in person. Also I never said or planned anything about pressing charges.
Hi Zan,
Been following your vlog. Will this really work? My gf left me 1month and a half for 11 years and we were living together. She just left me with a text saying that she needs space she felt that shes trap. Ever since she came here to america just been with me and my family. But my family treated her like their own daughter. Helped her out a lot and also became a good provider. Even without her helping me financially. But i started no contact more of 2 weeks ago since the break up. Because i know i want to be better. But she blocked everyone when she left now i found out that shes starting to see everyone. And what hurts one of the mutual friend lied to me when i asked her if she saw her. But eventually told the truth. Im also doing therapy just for me to be better and analyze stuff. What does it mean shes talking to other friends now like now shes coming out from her hiding space. Also, recently i cut off her phone but gave her enough time. But i still have her on my insurance . I still care for her if something happens to her. What should i do?
Jaime
Also, shes saying that she never want to see me again. So im like what did i do wrong? She was saying im controlling and possessive but how can i if whatever she wants now. She got it. And im not like calling her all the time also, i never checked her bank account. I even let her out with her friends. I know i did my part. Please help. How come shes not contacting me yet. But for im focused on my goals and trying to be a better version of me.
Forgot that after that incident from finding out the friend lied. I group text them that its better off if i keep distance from them. This way too she wont find anything from me. Is this a good idea? Coz they are not helping.
Hello, my girlfriend broke up with me in oktober. We both moved towns because of education in August, but it wasn’t the reason we broke up, just probably makes it really hard to get her back. i was devestated and heartbroken. After about a week i desided to try no contact, but she contacted me twice and i met her just for a friendly conversation when she came home 2 weeks later. After that we probably talked aproxametly 1 time a week, short but positive conversations. Then Christmas came and she came home again, i contacted her and asked if she wanted to meet, wich she agreed. We went for a long walk and we were both laughing and joking. We also met at the club several times but then she acted strange she smiled and stared at me alot, but all she did when we came close was to day hi. Over the cource of christmas and untill this Saturday, i started having phone calls instead of texting(i called her) and she was laughing and the conversations seemed to be of a good nature. But towards the end i let my emotions come in the way and i moved to fast forward, i started acting needy again and she found out i had stalked a guy she knows/probably has slept with on Instagram. And i had heard a story at a party the night before wich made me believe she had cheated on me so i deleted her on sosial media and added her back. (she has not cheated, but slept with 1guy or more after the breakup) I also had to explain why i deleted her. I also in the emotional state i was in sent her a message explaining my toughts about how the relationship ended(pathetuc and self destructive i know) and she told me that “we should not have this much contact because u’re clearly not over me, i’ve just been trying to help you throug the process”.I denied that i haven’t moved on directly to her because we were speaking on the phone, and i clearly have not, and she could clearly see that. I knew with my self that i can not contact her because i will only dig myself deeper. So i sent her a text the same night where i said that “I know i have been moving very fast and contacted u alot, i meant it well but i understand why and that u did not feel it the same way. I have therefor desided to have no contact as i did when we first broke up, wish u all the best, goodbye”.
I also found out that the next day she had deleted the last photos of us on instagram and vsco, so she clearly does not want anything to do with me right now.
Do u still think that there is a chance? I will ofcourse stay out of here life regardless for a very long time.
Hi Zan,
My husband of 10 years left me 5 months ago. We almost reconciled after two months but then he met someone during that time and is still seeing her, but he kept it a secret and didn’t know I knew. He was really angry and told me we are finished for good. I then did limited contact for about a month (we have children) and could see the effects and the change in his atitude towards me, as in the constant anger was gone and he seemed to respect me as an equal again. We gradually got closer and was getting on really well, but we never spoke about reconciliation or about our relationship, just mainly about our kids and our hobbies and work. We were having a text conversation one night and I’d had a few drinks and ended up saying I still love him (big mistake I know). He replied by telling me he is seeing another woman which devistated me, but I kept my cool and wished him all the best.
Back in to limited contact is the only way forward I’m guessing?
Hi Zan, I was wondering if No Contact can work months after the breakup? She broke up with me back in June. Before I knew about No contact she and I talked a lot about potentially getting together and In Late July we agreed to try it again but without the label of boyfriend girlfriend to take the pressure off. It worked for about a month until she left me again on August 30. I tried reaching out again and she listened to me but we didn’t get back together. I discovered Coach Lee Wilsons videos on NC and implemented around September so that would be about 3 months after the original breakup but like a week after the the second time she left me. We work together about 2 days out of the week to make things harder. So for about the whole month of September I never texted or called or reached out to her, I only spoke to her when she talked to me at work but even then I kept it brief and never carried the conversations.
Eventually she started taking her lunch breaks and regular breaks when I would and would sit with me. Sometimes she’d talk and sometimes she wouldn’t. Eventually I thought she was wanting to reach out but felt too nervous or stubborn to do so and thats why she was always sitting with me and talking to me at work so after 3 weeks I asked if she wanted to workout with me and she said yes. We worked out and it was great, just like old times, she even hugged me after we left. She then asked me to run with her the next morning and I agreed and we ran and again after we were done she hugged me. I asked if she wanted to take a walk in the woods and she said yes but to be clear as friends. I said no I dont want friends and she was sad and said she missed me. Later that day she texted me again and said she wanted to go out with me with no labels just us being happy together. I agreed and our date was dinner and a haunted attraction event which she held my hand the whole time and again hugged me when the night was over. A few days later she asked me to go out to dinner with her and we had a nice dinner, she came back to my house and we had a bonfire and laid together under the stars with her holding my hand once again and having a nice talk.
Then disaster struck. The next few days after this she stopped talking to me. I broke down and facetimed her one night asking if everything was ok and she replied with “I don’t know what you want me to say, we aren’t together anymore, I didn’t think I needed to text you everyday” she agreed to talk more about it the next day but never did saying she didn’t feel like talking and that she was stressed about school and life. I was trying to tell her it would all be ok and that she could vent to me and she thanked me and said she’d talk later. She left for Florida for vacation and I hugged her and said goodbye and didn’t contact her for 3 days after that hug but then she sent me a text from Florida saying “I think we need space, I don’t think we are ever getting back together” and then blocked me from all social media and the phone. I didn’t see her for the next 2 weeks until she got back from vacation and worked again. She came up to me and initiated some small talk but not much and I responded nicely but shortly again. I think she is seeing another guy which is why she blocked me to “not hurt me anymore” as she put it in the text. I don’t know what to do though, we work together so if she talks to me I don’t want to be rude and ignore her, but I also don’t want her thinking everything is fine and that I don’t care that I am blocked. I also don’t understand why she asks for space and time to heal and then goes up to me and talks to me at work. Basically I have no choice but to do NC because I am blocked but can it still work? Months after the initial breakup and now being blocked? She even told coworkers a month ago that she missed me, so I don’t think the block was out of spite but again I don’t know if it is too late or if I still have a chance to win her back in the future.
Forget to mention that her 2 friends never liked me so I am sure they are telling her to stay away from me. On that facetime call she even admitted that “If 20 people are telling me something maybe they are right” the point being she doesn’t listen to herself but others around her. Can that change in NC, even though I tried it once in September and now am forced to do it again?
If your Ex dumps you twice, is there a third chance for Ex to return with Indf No contact and self improvement and changes?
Hi Imran.
It can. But the real question is, what has changed on your ex’s part since the breakup?
Also, the more times you get dumped, the easier it becomes for your ex to leave.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan! I spoke with you a few months ago after my bf broke up with me after 8 years together for someone else. Long story short, I did EXACTLY what you said and stayed in no contact for two months until he finally reached out and even after that I still made him work hard to get back into my life. I took him back after three months of no contact and things were great for two months after we got back together but now he’s back to “ I don’t know what I want” “ I love you but I’m depressed and feel empty inside”. He’s just an unhappy person in general. I still haven’t moved back into OUR house and he keeps saying he’s scared if I move back in that things will go back to being like they were( meaning him being unhappy). What do I do to make him realize what he has? Why would he want me back then change his mind? Please help!
Update ?
Hi Kristie.
If he’s an unhappy person, then you can’t help him. He needs to find professional help and re-evaluate his relationship.
All you can do is give him reassurance that it won’t happen and suggest a few ideas.
And if he doesn’t want to make it work, you must let him go as he will only keep doing his disappearing act and drain you emotionally.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hey Zan ,
I have been following your blog since i have been going through a struggle lately.Long story short
My gf broke up with me in the begining of April , i was having some trouble with my family and university at the time
so you can say that it took a strain on a relationship but we’ve been together for almost 3 years at the time, and she was not happy with the “lack of attention” for her , so i explained to her that i have to deal with some stuff with my family ( it was health related ) and my University and exams and that it has nothing to do with us , that is till love her ( and btw i did not neglect her completely we were doing stuff basically every day ) So she broke up “out of the blue ” via phone , she said that she cannot do this anymore i just said that i understand and that i would prefer that we don’t hear from each other ( because she wanted to know how i did with my exams ) and went NC. Maybe 20 days after a break up she texted me saying that she wants some of hers stuff back (nothing important mind you some clothes you sleep in/wear at home ) and she demanded that i meet up with her sister rather than her , just replied okay . Maybe 2 weeks after ( i was busy , and could not do it before) i reached out to her so we can meet up and so i can give her the stuff back , i was polite i just asked weather she wants to grab coffee and i was hoping that perhaps we can talk and if nothing else just end it politely (we go at the same Uni we’re bound to run into one another sometime), and she was furious , she acted as if i have ended it , she acted as if i have done something terrible to her , she said that our relationship was terrible , that i said that i have more important things than her ( read above family and exams ) that she does not care anymore about me blah blah blah. Quite frankly i did not take any of it seriously but it still stung and to be honest its the first time someone talked to me that way , i really don’t allow it. So a friend of mine dropped her stuff to her for me and she said that she is doing great. Like i said we were together for almost 3 years finishing the same uni we planed life after the uni , we basically lived together , traveled together , 2 days before break up we spent a weekend with her parents , day before breakup we had a movie date , everything seemed fine . Frankly i was distracted by some stuff that happened but as i said i did not neglect her.
So my question to you , what the hell xD? Can you shed some light to me on this one , needless to say i have been in NC since that blow out it has been about a month.
Rough timeline would be : break up i went NC ,she broke if off 20 days after , then i did about month and a half after breakup (when she was furious ) , and then i again went NC.
Thanks Zan !
Oh yeah i forgot , i also wrote a letter to her and put it in her stuff that my friend took her , basically i just said that i am sorry if i have hurt her or anything that i have done ,because i did not really get any reason for the breakup , i just wanted to clean the slate so it does not have to more awkward when we see each other . Truth is i still love her but i do not understand a damn thing . 😀
Hi Dox.
I have recently written an article about this particular occurrence. I urge you to check it out here – Why is my ex angry when she dumped me? 🙂
Basically, she’s convinced herself that it’s your fault and blames you for everything. She desperately started looking for reasons to justify her breaking up with you and made herself believe it too. This is not uncommon because dumpers are powered by anger, relief, and elation. Anything they can blame dumpees for makes them look better to others and themselves.
Please stay in no contact and let her cool off. If you see her at the university, smile and walk past her. I wouldn’t try to engage in conversation with her just yet. Let her do the work when she’s ready. In the meantime, focus strongly and solely on yourself and your own happiness.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thanks! I finally understood what the logic behind no contact rule. I was skeptical about how it can actually get him back. It made so much sense to me now, though it is my first time doing the no contact rule. I came across an article earlier that says that we can skip the no contact rule. What are your thoughts on this? Looking forward to hearing your opinion about it. Thanks in advance. http://winmymanback.com/should-you-apply-the-no-contact-rule/
Hi Natalie n Dox
Ive been dumper ( not proud ) and have also been a dumpee.
Zan is right.
At the time of a break up the two different people, dumper and dumpee, feel different emotions so NC for 30 / 45 /60 days, for me, is totally rubbish.
You need to give your ex the ‘gift of missing u’ irrespective of how long that takes.
But Ill tell u something.
As Zan says, in month 2/3, as the dumpee, you see the relationship for what is was. U see the flaws, u see your mistakes but more importantly, u see your exs flaws. We need to take them off that pedestal.
Then you start to realise, your ex wasn’t that perfect after all.
I know its hard, but u need to do NC indefinitely and after 3/4 months it becomes clearer.
I still miss my ex but not as much as i Used to but our mind plays tricks, it believes our ex is the answer to our misery, but in months 4/5 u realise, it isn’t.
We have the power to retrain our minds and focus on ourselves and start to look forward to a brighter future with or without our ex.
All those websites that preach 30 / 45 / 60 days in NC do nothing for us as dumpees except give us false hope.
Remember “if they leave you, let them go”
Stay strong n good luck
Thanks for the amazing comment, David!
You’re the best!
Zan
Hi Natalie.
It’s impossible to force yourself in your ex’s life when he isn’t ready for you. He needs to process his breakup emotions and come back at his own pace. This is the point of the distance that the no contact rule creates.
Also, I read through the website and noticed it’s full of tricks and gimmicks. Don’t fall for it, Natalie.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi zan
We fought….he started giving silent treatment ..I tried to reach out every second day….after 20th day I stopped….then I started seeing his reactions ..after ten days I called him after he send me a music video …then he said he cannot sustain the relationship ..I got angry ..and went no contact for abt 25 days ..during tht period he was checking my status on whatsapp..being online ..trying to show his presence on 25 th day he msged me..we chatted for a couple of days n he said he loves me…but he can’t be in a relationship with me…and said I can be in touch with him ..n we can met each other too…indirectly said don’t go away ….but then I told him if he can’t be in a relationship ..he will not hear from me..n left …..can no contact work this tym