The no contact rule can work twice. It can work again whether you:
- broke no contact and reached out
- got back together with your ex and got dumped again
If I’m completely honest, the no contact rule can work twice, thrice, or even four and five times. Its efficiency depends not on how many times you break it but on the mistakes you make (or avoid) and your ex’s ability to process the past and see you in a positive light. The more developed your ex is and the less you annoy your ex, the higher the chances that no contact will work twice.
So make sure to stick to the rules of no contact and let your ex message or call you. You have to stop making breakup mistakes if you want your ex to respect you, miss you, and want to be with you. It’s not a guarantee that your ex will come back if you follow no contact down to the t, but no contact is the healthiest and most successful method for reattracting an ex and getting back with him or her.
This self-imposed rule can be hard to stay faithful to it at times, but it makes the strongest possible impression on your ex because it shows your ex that you’re focusing on yourself and moving on from him or her.
Today’s post is dedicated to dumpees who wonder if no contact can work twice on dumpers.
Can no contact work twice on dumpers?
If you broke the no contact rule and reached out to your ex, try not to panic. I want you to know that no contact can work a second time. It can still give your ex the space and freedom your ex needs.
But just because it can work again, this doesn’t mean you should take it any less seriously. You should keep in mind that every time you reach out and communicate with your ex, you increase the chances of your ex misinterpreting you and raising his or her guard. This is because you reach out on your terms and put expectations on your ex.
Your ex may not be ready to reach your expectations yet. He or she could still be recovering from the breakup aftereffects and needs more time to figure out what the best thing to do is.
Every breakup is different, of course, but you should do your best to stick to the rules of no contact. Don’t break the rules just because you’re anxious, scared, and lonely. Acting on these emotions will overwhelm your ex and risk destroying your ex’s opinion and interest in you.
You’ll look much more attractive and secure if you remain in control of your emotions and let your ex come to you. At least that way, your ex will talk to you because that’s what your ex will want to do.
Stay in no contact! No ifs, no buts!
I know there is a lot of misleading information on the internet. Some breakup experts shamelessly encourage broken-hearted dumpees to reach out after a certain time.
They tell them to reason with their ex and try to talk their way back into the relationship. They don’t know or care that such behaviors make dumpees look weak and desperate and push dumpers away.
So if you want your ex back and you want to give no contact an honest try, bear in mind that no contact is indefinite. You can’t reach out to tell your ex how you feel and what you expect.
You can’t even pretend to be friends because:
- Your ex isn’t ready.
- You aren’t ready and are going to get hurt.
If you recently got broken up with and you’re thinking of reaching out to your ex (again), you must engrave on your memory that reaching out to your ex prematurely is not going to work the way you hope it will.
If anything, it’s going to create the opposite results. Instead of pulling your ex closer like a magnet, communication is going to scare your ex off and repel him or her. It’s going to make your ex lose respect for you and crave even more alone time.
Since your ex hasn’t contacted you first, your ex’s inaction should tell you everything you need to know. It should tell you that your ex isn’t ready to speak with you yet and that you shouldn’t try to force your ex to speak with you. You’re in a lot of pain, but you should be understanding of what your ex is going through and leave your ex alone.
If you ever doubt no contact or think that your ex is pretending to be over you, remember that actions speak louder than words. They express what your ex wants and doesn’t want and how he or she treats dumpees and people he or she no longer associates with.
No contact isn’t a game or some kind of manipulation technique. It’s a simple self-imposed rule that aims to help you rebuild broken self-esteem and allows you to detach and regain strength. If your ex needs your strength and confidence, your ex will likely reach out and try to extort validation and happiness from you.
Your ex could do that as long as you respect yourself and have the power to help your ex.
So while you’re waiting for your ex to need your help, try to convince yourself that the no contact rule can work twice and that it has worked twice on other dumpers before. But also, don’t forget that if you keep messing up, your ex will notice that you’re reaching out because of anxiety and insecurity and think that he or she can’t rely on you for emotional support and other things dumpers sometimes need from exes.
So stay strong in no contact by remembering that no contact is effective. But it’s effective only if you play by the rules and work on improving your confidence, happiness, and the things your ex took away from you by breaking up with you.
These are the things your ex could want from you one day when anxiety and pain hit your ex hard.
Consistency is one of the biggest ways to influence your ex
As you may already know, people value consistency. And so does your ex. The more consistent you are with no contact and its rules, the more reliable and authentic you’ll appear to your ex and the people your ex is close to.
On the other hand, every time you break the silence and reach out, you’ll portray weakness and inauthenticity. You’ll show that you need your ex back for self-acceptance purposes and that you’re the type of person who is inconsistent when it comes to respecting himself/herself and the person who dumped you.
As a result, you’ll lose trustworthiness, respect, and the value your ex sees in you.
So take my advice seriously and stay in no contact for good. I know you’re anxious and apprehensive about the future, but you mustn’t contact your ex because of it. Your ex can’t help you with your internal struggles. Only you can do that.
So be brave and rely on yourself rather than your ex for healing. It will take some practice and a lot of self-control, but you can do it. You just need to understand that breaking no contact hinders healing, growth, and happiness and lowers your chances of reconciliation.
Of course, your chances greatly depend on what you say and do. If you merely reach out to say “hello, ” you probably won’t cause too much harm. You’ll just make your ex wonder why you reached out.
But if you tell your ex to give you closure or to do something you want him or her to do, then you probably will cause harm. You’ll force your ex to reach your expectations even though your ex just wants to focus on his or her own life.
Even though no contact can work many times, the truth is that it will eventually stop working. I don’t know when that will be, but when your ex gets fed up with replying to you and helping you cope with separation anxiety, your ex will stop thinking of you as a reliable ex-partner who can be of help and start thinking of you as someone who won’t accept the breakup and give it a rest.
Protect your post-breakup persona
For a minute, try to imagine that you’re an undefeated character from a video game. This videogame avatar comes with different attributes and appears to be amazing at what he does.
For years, nothing and no one has been able to beat him and ruin his image. He’s dealt with monsters and dragons attacking his village with ease, so he’s a real hero.
Here’s what this knight looks like.
Since he’s strong and confident in his abilities, he’s adored by others and respected for his success. He’s a truly strong and brave videogame character.
But one day, his winning streak comes to an end. He encounters a dragon who defeats him and makes him flee for his life. The village is destroyed as a result and its people aren’t very happy about it. In their eyes, the knight’s value has dropped significantly as he’s no longer reliable but a coward who fleed.
All it took was one bad decision and everything he’s accomplished through years of hard work suddenly means nothing to them.
Most people who think less of him do so only because they used to value him externally. They respected him for his achievements and not for the person he was.
Value is not fixed
It’s truly a shame, but that’s the way people are. They lose respect for a person they admired when they lose feelings or when they find someone else.
Here’s what the character’s attributes look like after his defeat.
The avatar’s statistics dropped significantly.
He’s no longer the most respected person in the community because someone else could take his place and do better than him. He could be of use only if new heroes are defeated and fail to protect them.
Since his value dropped, he is now presented with two options.
- He can try to reason with his people and come up with some excuse as to why he failed to exude strength and protect them.
- Or he can stay away from them and let them think what they want.
As he’s waiting for the dust to settle, the knight, of course, discovers that there is only one way to level up and increase his attributes and overall value.
The only way to fix the mess he’s in is to work on the reasons that made him fail. That won’t make people realize his worth, but it will allow him to stay put and be asked for help when other knights fail to protect the village. That’s when they could come to him as a last resort and give him a chance to showcase his abilities, worth, and commitment.
Improving a post-breakup persona takes time
Just how the imaginary character’s persona took time to improve, so will yours. It will take time and negative experiences because these things could change your ex’s opinion about you and help your ex feel better about you.
So don’t think that your ex will contact you and/or come back when you want your ex to come back. If your ex is meant to be with you, your ex will come back when you least expect him/her to and no longer need your ex to empower you. That’s when you’ll appear the most attractive you can be and impress your ex.
Keep in mind that the no contact rule can work twice if you slipped up in your moment of weakness.
However, if you’re going to follow the indefinite no contact rule, try to do it right on your first try. Do it with confidence because the fewer mistakes you make and the more confident you appear, the better the chances that your ex will want to speak with you and want something from you again
That’s because you’ll handle a highly emotional situation the way your ex expects you and wants you to handle it.
Fearing your ex in no contact
It’s normal and common to be afraid in no contact. Not speaking with your ex can make you fear that your ex is moving on without you and that he or she isn’t thinking about you and contemplating getting back with you.
Although your ex isn’t planning to get back with you, you need to know that fear isn’t something that should control your actions. It may influence your thoughts and feelings, but you can’t let it force you to reach out to your ex.
Fear-induced reactions will make no contact much less effective. They will make you look anxious and scared that your ex will find someone else and that your ex will get married and be happy with someone else.
No matter how afraid you are, try to remain in control of your life. Remember that you’re waiting for your ex to start worrying that you’ll meet someone else because that could make your ex respect you and want to be with you again.
Normally, dumpers are relieved because of the breakup. But when they fail to find happiness in their ex’s absence, they often realize their ex’s worth and become afraid. This is because they start to wonder if their ex is with someone else and fear that they’ll discover that he or she is.
If you stay in no contact, your ex will have plenty of time to think about you. Your ex will wonder what you’re doing, who you’re with, and if he or she still matters to you. Such thoughts could cause your ex to develop respect and perhaps even fear losing you completely.
I suppose it depends on how badly your ex wants to talk to you and what your ex expects from you.
My no contact experience
I’d like to tell you about my no contact experience, particularly about my ex reaching out 4 months or so into no contact.
If I told you that my ex was so nervous when she reached out that she messed up something as simple as my name, would you believe me? You’d probably think it was a typo, right?
Well, it wasn’t.
The order in which my ex wrote my name and what she wanted to convey was inverted. She messed up so badly that it seemed as if she never learned basic grammar.
Although I understood what she wanted to say, it seemed strange. She never struck me as the type who would make such a simple mistake. Especially not when her message was the first text after no contact and that she had plenty of time to reread it and correct it.
Surely, there had to be a reason for her mistake, I thought. And fortunately, there was. She was so nervous about the things I would say that the message she wrote ended up being different from the message she had in her mind.
But did she tell me this? No, of course not. She brushed it off because she didn’t want me to know how she felt. She wanted to hide her fear and pretend she felt fine.
Your ex probably won’t tell you how she feels either. She’ll show you signs of nervousness non-verbally because she probably won’t be able to hide it that way.
Most people, especially ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends would rather eat a brick than admit they’re nervous. That’s because they don’t want to give away power and control.
I’m telling you this because I want you to understand that your ex is a human being just like you. If you’re capable of anxiety and fear, so is your ex. So don’t be afraid of your ex. Instead, try to understand where your fear comes from and work on it so that it stops haunting you and controlling your behavior.
I broke the no contact rule. Now what?
If you broke the no contact rule and you’re dejected because of it, don’t ruminate over the reach-out. Start following no contact again immediately so that you can get over this hurdle and resume your healing process.
There’s no need to apologize to your ex. In fact, apologizing to an ex will make you look weak and might even put expectations on your ex. So save yourself the trouble and continue no contact as if you never broke it.
Only next time, do no contact indefinitely. Don’t break it again because every time you reach out to your ex, you set yourself back emotionally.
Look, it’s not the end of the world if you broke no contact. But you might have lost some of your ex’s respect. This is especially true if the breakup is fresh and you made your ex feel pressured into responding to you.
No matter what you did and what your ex felt, don’t blame yourself. Just go back to no contact and stick to it forever. Stay in it whether it’s your ex’s birthday or if something bad happened to your ex. Your pain and the things happening to your ex aren’t excuses to reach out and communicate with your ex.
They’re signs you need to distract yourself and focus on your happiness more.
You need to wait for your ex to contact you because that’s when you’ll be able to talk as equals and not smother or hurt each other. You may not get back together, but at least you’ll be capable of having a normal conversation.
Is it too late for the no contact rule to work?
If you haven’t been doing no contact and you’ve realized that your ex is happy and you’re miserable, it’s not too late to go no contact. It’s never too late to start following this rule because no contact will help you heal and reduce your ex-dependency.
As for your ex, your ex might finally realize that you’re not willing to be his or her friend and that you’re putting yourself first.
This won’t necessarily force your ex to come back, but it will make your ex respect you. It will show your ex that you don’t need anyone other than yourself and that you’re going to do whatever makes you happy.
That’s what no contact is all about. Most dumpees don’t realize it, but no contact can help them fall back in love with themselves and restore their passion for life.
I know you want the no contact rule to work on your ex twice, but try to make no contact about yourself. Use it to detach from your ex, improve your self-esteem, and grow your self-love.
If your ex notices that you value yourself, then perhaps your ex will value you too when the time is right. There’s only one way to find out – and that’s by restarting no contact and staying in it even on your bad days when you miss your ex so much it hurts.
When is it too late to start no contact?
The longer you pretend to be friends with your ex, the smaller the chances that no contact will work again.
That’s because no contact is all about self-respect and independence. You can’t make your ex love you when you don’t even love yourself. All you can do is show that you’re happy to settle for less than you deserve and that you need your ex in your life.
So go no contact right away. Leave your ex alone and show your ex you rely only on yourself for health and happiness.
You’ll probably doubt no contact from time to time and think that you can crawl back into your ex’s heart by asking for another chance. But bear in mind that insecure actions will only get you hurt and strung along. They’ll make you even more emotionally dependent on your ex and prevent you from moving on.
So know that it’s never too late to start or resume no contact. As long as you’re hurt and need your ex back for validation, you need to respect yourself and demand that your ex respects you in return. That’s the only way your ex will be able to find a reason to communicate with you and feel good about it too.
No contact can work twice if you don’t ruin your image
Since most exes come back when they’re sad, anxious, desperate, depressed, and defeated, your only option is to disconnect from your ex and pull away.
Let your ex experience life without you while you focus on bettering yourself and moving on. Your value as a person needs to increase, remember?
That won’t happen when you’re too afraid to step away from your ex and develop self-reliance.
The only time it’s too late to go no contact is when you completely destroy your value by taking revenge on your ex or when your ex ruins your reputation himself or herself.
No contact won’t work or work again when your value drops so much that your ex can’t improve the way he or she perceives you. Sadly, not everything can be fixed. Some things are beyond repair as people lack the tools and willpower to fix them.
Slow and steady wins the race
I’ve personally seen the no contact rule work twice before.
I’ve also seen it work in situations where the dumper started dating someone else and got married. That’s why I’m convinced that if you messed up once and didn’t cause too much harm, you will probably hear from your ex in the future.
You’ll have a conversation with your ex that may or may not lead anywhere and then decide what the best thing to do is.
The problem is that people expect no contact to work days or weeks after the breakup. They want it to work right away even though no contact usually takes a lot more time to work.
How much time depends on each dumper, but it usually happens when something bad happens to the dumper. That’s when the dumper gets a reality check and suffers a blow to the ego.
Throughout this article, I’ve mentioned the word value over and over again. I’ve done that because a dumpee’s value is a prerequisite to getting back with an ex. It’s the thing that gets the dumpee dumped and the thing that brings the dumper back.
Please keep in mind that if your importance is high, your ex will most likely come running back to you when he or she gets hurt and needs help. That’s because your ex will need you to patch his or her wounds and feel validated. You need to protect your image and value so that your ex can respect you and want to be a part of your life again.
Did the no contact rule work twice for you? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic. Comment below the post.
And if you’re trying to learn more about no contact and the effects it can have on your ex, check out our coaching options on this page.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hey, Zan!
Thank you very much for the article, I often think of it when losing hope. I read all of your insightful replies to the stories, so I would really appreciate your outlook on my situation.
Me and my ex boyfriend dated for 2 years and we are same age, each other’s first partners and first really deep loves, both really genuine, kind and devoted. We started dating at highschool and after several months I had to go to college, so we decided to do long distance, but saw each other every 1.5-2 months. However, after 2 years of a happy relationship we started getting arguements (mainly because he started to gave me little attention due to the problems with school and self-realization and I became anxious) and he broke up with me.
I went no contact and a year after he texted me asking to meet. We met and he basically said that he regretted his decision, that he loved me and suggested dating again. None of us had other parters during this year and I always felt like it’s a special connection. However, I didn’t know how to reply cause i wanted to just talk for some time to understand how we both changed.
We agreed upon that, had some dates and then I left for college for a month. I didn’t feel comfortable trusting him yet, so I, in a way, dismissed his romantic moves for me. He is the kind of guy to shut down when facing problems and he probably got triggered then. I felt that after it, when I came home for the summer break he started getting more distant, even though we had good moments. I also spent a lot of time traveling, so we had like only a month in total being in one town and experiencing each other.
The first time we broke up, I think he kind of projected his own problems on me and shut down, a similar thing has happened the second time. After summer he moved to the city I study in for a job, but it was kind of unproductive and he faced difficulties. As soon as he moved he told me he was confused about his feelings but we decided to try and figure out. However, a month after him being really cold, he broke up with me. During our last talk I told him it seems to me that he is avoiding his feelings as it was during the 1st break up, but he said no. Right now I know he failed with the job interview and returned back to our hometown.
Do you think there might there be hope for the reconciliation if the relationship wasn’t so emotional and satisfying for the second time?
Thank you!
Hi Mary.
Your ex failed to address his problems and stressors. He hadn’t learned to deal with negative feelings, so he left not once but twice. 2 breakups are a strong indicator of a lack of emotional strength and maturity. He can’t pretend he can fix things easily anymore. You should have made him work on himself and the relationship harder while giving him the reassurance he craved. I believe he emotionally shut down because he wasn’t getting enough love and support. The sole reason he came back was that he hoped you would help him deal with his problems.
I think he’ll try to deal with his problems on his own now. I’m not sure what will happen weeks or months from now.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi mate, don’t know if you are replying to these anymore but would like your insight on this one.
So I met my ex June 22, we had a really good relationship and everything was going well, we went on holiday in February of this year for a week, day 4 she became very distant/cold and and I sat her down and asked her what was wrong, she said things like I don’t cuddle her in bed at night, only care about myself when having sex etc alot of intimacy things. So I said I didn’t know you felt that way so I will fix it.
Anyway when dropping me home after the flight back she said we can’t continue the relationship which I kinda knew from the way she was acting towards me.
We text a bit that night and I explained I can fix things but she was adamant she was done.
She reached out a few days later asking if I wanted my contact lenses I’d left at hers but I said it’s fine just bin them. A week went passed and I sent a text telling her how I felt etc but she responded with it’s not going to work.
So obviously I was devastated and for the next two months had been watching relationship videos no contact rule etc.
So after about 50/60 days she text me wanting to meet up as she needed to tell me in person, when she came to mines she explained that when we were on holiday she was 8 weeks pregnant (she didn’t know, but she did know if that makes sense like she could tell with her her body was) and that when she got home from holiday she went straight to her mum’s got a pregnancy test the next day and she was pregnant, she ended up having a home abortion, take tablets or something. I was obviously devastated about this as she had made this decision without me and I was obviously skeptical about it as well.
Anyway we got back together and everything was great fast forward to July this year, again we were going on holiday, this time I was going with her family.
On the day of going on holiday I was quite nervous/anxious maybe because what happened last time on holiday and the fact I was going away with her family. But we got there and you know I could just tell something wasn’t right with her, a couple days in it was just kinda awkward so before we went out for dinner I asked her what was wrong and she said she didn’t want to talk about it as other family members were walking about outside the room (it was a shared villa) so I already had that feeling of this is done again, you know I could just tell the way she was acting from the first holiday we went on.
I ended up sleeping in a separate room that night. She came down to speak to me and she said I’d been ignoring her from day one at the airport, I never put luggage on the conveyor, I walked out of a shop without her, I went and got a burger king myself without telling anyone, on the mini bus heading to the vill I sat on a single seat (just because I wanted to let the rest of her family sit beside each other) so all of these things obviously were eating in to her and I told her I didn’t mean to do any of that on purpose it was just how I was feeling.
That night I asked her step dad if she was telling the truth about the abortion to which he did say happened. Obviously this got back to her and she was so angry that I asked him so she said it was over. I tried to fix things for the next few days trying to still be nice and being nice to her family but I was struggling and I was braking down in tears some days. One morning she came down stairs and told me there is a flight tonight I want you to leave (we were supposed to be there for 11 days the rest of her family 14 days) this must have been 5 days in.
She must have told her mum I was going and her mum came in to speak to me and told me I wasn’t leaving, then she comes in and we start having a bit of an argument. Her mum said why don’t you just be civil with each other and get home safe together, so we both agreed. Later that night when I was in the room getting ready for dinner she said why don’t you just be a man and leave.
I understand it must have been awkward for her family with what was going on between us, I ended up booking a flight the next day and left on my own.
She messaged me said I’m sorry you had to leave her anger got the better of her . I even asked to pick her up from the airport when she was coming back as she would have been on her own but she said it probably would be the best idea.
She asked me if I could get her house key back to her so I posted it out and when she got back home from holiday she messaged me to say thanks for sending the key back and I must have left a couple things on holiday if I wanted them I said no it’s fine to which she replied ok.
Then she text asking how I felt about what happened etc and it just got into arguing.
She reached out 4 days later and again we must have went round in circles me apologising for nothing really. She asked to see me so I went up to see her in person and we had a good talk, and when I left she gave a long cuddle and a kiss.
As soon as I left she text me saying she just wanted to hold me all night etc so after that she was with her mum and the weekend and her attitude completely changed saying Its all words and no action because I said I would do anything to fix things and start a fresh. On the Sunday she was with her mum and auntie and I told her I was coming to see her that night and she said that’s fine, but again never heard from her for a few hours and the attitude had changed, telling me her cousin had lay out rose petals and took the girl he was.seeing out for a nice meal before asking her out and that I do t do anything like that for her, and when we got back together she bought me a little soulmate card and a keychain. But why would I buy her things like that when it’s her that broke my heart the first time around ? Anyway she must have blockede on WhatsApp that night and on the Monday I got a nice card sent to her which she received on the Wednesday, she unblocked me and said thanks but not going to work so I left her and on the Friday she messaged me asked to see her, so I went and seen her on the Saturday, everything was fine had sex etc and seen her a couple more times during the week. The following weekend she was with her mum again on the Saturday and her uncles birthday on the Sunday. Again you could tell the way she was texting that something was t right and she ended up saying she doesn’t feel it’s the same anymore and her mum’s made a few comments saying that past problems will keep reoccurring. I told her that’s fine we will just leave it and she said okay. She then messages me on Monday saying sorry she replied just okay she wasn’t feeling great and had COVID so I said that’s fine I wasn’t expecting a response anyway from the things you told me. So we end up getting into another cheated debate and I said listen you are messing with my mental health, you are making me anxious etc which to she basically flipped it back on me and ended up blocking me again.
Next day I get a message saying sorry that I make you feel anxious I have only tried to tell you my feelings about what you did on holiday to which I said it’s fine I understand how you feel and all I’ve wanted to do was fix things with you and that I was sorry too. She then messaged on the Friday saying this has been the hardest week with a sad face 😞 tho which I said it was been for me too to which she responded with a sad face. I never bothered responding to that and that was last Friday with no contact from either of us.
She has said previously things like I wish holiday never happened and wish she could start things over with me, hate the thought of us being with other people to which I’ve said this is your decision not mines.thia isn’t what I want. I had been nothing but nice and supportive these last 4/5 weeks since we got back from our holiday.
I know this is a long message,.what’s your thoughts ?
Hi NN.
Her attitude toward you and thinking in general wasn’t good enough for the relationship to work. Things started falling apart pretty quickly, so nothing you said or did was going to fix that. The girl needed to work on herself and realize what you mean to her. But it seem that she insisted on seeing you mostly because she felt down and needed reassurance. When she got it and stopped feeling stressed, she got rid of you again and made you deal with rejection alone.
A functioning relationship with her will be very hard if not impossible.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thanks Zan. You and everyone else I have spoken to has said the same. These past two weeks have been so hard not speaking to her and trying not to reach out but this isn’t my problem to fix.
She definitely needs to get her head straight and hopefully she has been to her therapist and sticks with it, she will realise what she has lost (again) in timez hopefully I have the mind set to not go back there again.
Hi NN.
Thanks for a quick response.
Use this time to work on yourself (especially your self-esteem). If you take the self-improvement part of the breakup seriously, you’ll evolve from this predicament and refuse to get back with her if she hits a snag and wants you back.
Try to stay busy and have a healthy social life.
Sincerely,
Zan
Thanks Zan, I will. I have been in this position before with her so I can get through it again, seems harder this time but I will get there in time.
Hi NN.
You’ll get through this. Have faith and stay strong!
Zan
Hi Zan,
I broke up with my gf of 11 months. I was blindsided by it and therefore made all the breakup-mistakes in the book. On my end I know I got a little complacent in the relationship. The reason she gave was that she expected to fall in love by 11 months but she has not so can’t drag this. I tried to explain that this takes time, that I was not aware of a deadline and she never communicated me of the same and that we should have more time. She accepted that she should have communicated but can’t do anything now. I made the mistake of using logic and many more such as slightly accusing her, proclaiming my love, talking to her friend and all for a month (only once every week though) until I became too impatient and acted weak by self loathing in front of her, on the last day. She got irritated and said that she needed space which I’m not giving to her by doing this every week. I wished her best and did no contact for 45 days and then reached out with a good memory text while saying “hope she’s well”, she responded within a minute by neutrally saying that “hope I’m well too”. I told her that it’s good to hear from her but I gotta go and will catch up later. She didn’t read this msg for a day (whatsapp). After 3 days I reached out again asking about a event she might have watched but she didn’t respond to it. So after a day I asked her if she is still not ready to talk and need more space for me. She responded by saying that “she doesn’t know what I wanna talk about and that she has nothing to say, sorry”. I missed her point (stupid mistake) and replied that I was talking about the event but she didn’t respond again. After 4 days I sent another text saying that I read her text wrong and I think that it’s best that she and I get more space before we can talk. I also sent a voice note (didn’t want to type much) where I apologized for my behavior during the breakup, that I accepted that the old relationship is gone, that I’ve grown and learned from my mistakes and becoming a better person everyday, that I only reached out ’cause even after everything that has happened, I still miss talking to her and wanted to text and see where this goes. I finished the voice note by stating that I understand that she’s healing, therefore I think we need more space before talking normally and start with friendship when ready. In the end I also mentioned that I hate sending these long notes/emails as they drain me out and hope that in future we could talk serious stuff directly. ( I was honest and meant everything I sent on this voice note). She read it within 4 minutes (maybe ’cause of voice note) and responded by saying “hope that I stay happy as well.”
I do like her as a person and want to start fresh, like really fresh by building rapport. Haven’t communicated this to her yet. I do understand that unless not 1 but both of us have grown and learned from our mistakes we can’t have a long healthy relationship, so don’t wanna rush in too. But I feel that I need to be there to build that reconnection and no contact might make it difficult as she would like to stick to her decision as she’s stubborn. She has taken space from a lot of exes in past and they only ended up as friends later on. I know that’s my fear talking but it’s a fact that I’m finding difficult to ignore.
I’m going no contact again for now, wanna know my chances here and what you think.
Thanks a lot 🙂 and apologies for the long comment.
Hi Andy.
Your ex is responding just to be nice. She has no romantic feelings and eagerness to reconnect. That’s why you mustn’t do no contact just for a pre-set number of days. You must stay in no contact indefinitely. She has to reach out when SHE’S ready, not when you think she wants to talk. Your ex needs to be left alone, Andy. She’s asked for space multiple times and needs to be listened to. If you ignore her need to self-prioritize, you’ll anger her further and make her feel uncomofortable. She won’t even want to be friends.
The chances of getting back with her aren’t very high as she’s detached completely. She’ll come back only if something REALLY big goes wrong on her end.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but you know what you have to do. Stay away from her and regain your happiness and independence. It will make you as desirable as you can be.
Best wishes,
Zan
Hello,
Not sure if you’re still responding to these but would like your insights if you’re willing to help me. My ex broke up with me mid-February (second break up), but I also understood why we needed a break. Little resistance outside of a couple texts. I went no contact for 1 week, then she reached out via text. That evolved into us meeting up two days later for a very intimate hang out (more so initiated by me). She seemed very happy to be with me. Despite spending the night and immense intimacy she reiterated she’s not ready. I said no worries it’s all good. She messaged me thank you the next day. I didn’t contact her for 4.5 weeks, and during this time she was definitely snooping on me via social media and on my brothers social media. I reached out after the 4.5 weeks with a fun intro message of something that reminded me of something we did together. She responded immediately and with a bit of enthusiasm. While she didn’t ask me anything I ended up asking if she wanted to go for coffee. She said she’s not ready but has been thinking about me and is happy i reached out. I told her all good and take care. I’m going back in no contact.
What are your thoughts? Did I ruin my reconciliation chances?
Thanks,
M
Hi Mike.
You didn’t ruin your chances, but you need to leave her alone. Messaging her and reminding her about your relationship won’t trigger her nostalgia and regret. She needs to go through the stages first and singlehandedly realize what you meant to her.
Just go back to NC, Mike. And stay in it this time. She was enthusiastic because she hadn’t heard from you in a while.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thanks, Zan.
Just found out she’s been chatting to a girl friend of mine, that she barely knows, on social media and said she hopes to be friends at some point. She knows I said this won’t happen. All very confusing. Appreciate it, brotha!
Hi M.
Don’t let it confuse you. She’s just being surface-level polite. Ask your friend not to tell you about your ex.
Best,
Zan
Hi!
I’ve been with my ex in LDR, seeing each other twice irl, both times for 3 weeks, it was a great adventure and experience for both of us. We’re both were first to each other in everything. At some point in our relationship my ex started distancing herself and I became needy. This went on and on until she decided to break up with me.
I went NC for 3 days and then reached out to her, asked her to reconsider, which I’d say was a mild version of begging.
She refused and I went NC again. She then contacted me 5 days after that, she said she wants us to try to communicate without any weight of relationship and see if we can get into new relationship with this. This was going well for the first week (she even accepted my proposal and went on a session with my therapist and did a compatibility test later on), until she started becoming cold again and I pulled back, because my neediness was the issue before and because I don’t wanna pressure a person that is not interested to talk. I went NC again and reached out to her again, asking whether she’s still considering her offer. She said she gave up on it coz I didn’t initiate any contact lol.
I replied that I decided to take things slow and asked her to still consider her offer. The problem is that we have a group of mutual friends and we used to play almost every week. Now that I went NC I also went NC there and it seems to annoy her that I ignore our mutual friends in that group chat too. Besides, we still play games together and we played some this weekend. I did enjoy playing the games, even with her there and it actually made me feel better tbh. But the problem is that I then sent my ex voice mails and cried to her how I felt left alone. It happened the day before we played with all 4 of our friends, I offered our friends and her to play together, we were gathering up, when one of our friends said he can’t attend. Then our other friend decided to back off because of that too and it was only me and my ex left up to it. She obviously refused to play together and it made me feel needless. I then sent my ex voice messages with me crying how I feel betrayed and abandoned. Ofc she couldn’t find good words for it but she still replied quickly and tried to help me find the strength in me and hoped I’d feel better. I told her I feel that way and she and our other friend backed off when our 4th friend couldn’t come. It also adds up that I haven’t seen my family (parents, sister and brother) in more than a year and still can’t because of an ongoing war. I also don’t have rl friends here in my new place because I just recently moved to a new country and haven’t established a good social life yet. I then finished my message by saying that I now assume that I have just killed my last chance for the relationship reconciliation and she didn’t reply to it. The next day our group of friends gather and we played together. I did really enjoy the process. All of us did but she did sound cold to me. After the game I wrote her that I hope she’d lower her emotional wall against me at some point in time coz it’s breaking my heart to hear her communicate happily with our mutual friends but not me.
I went back into NC again and this time I think I can actually do it because I feel pretty confident now, I suppose me crying to her and feeling that this is the end lifted some weight off of me. I’m now fully focusing on my healing process.
I would still be interested to reconcile with her when I’m healed but my question here is whether I should avoid her and our mutual friends in our group chat? It feels like it makes her perceive me bad when I do that and the point is to do the opposite, not to contact her and let her build a better picture of me. Besides, it feels unfair to ignore our friends and not to play with them because we broke up. And lastly, I do enjoy playing with our friends even with my ex there and so does she. She doesn’t feel bothered when we all play together. What should I do here? If I continue playing with my ex there, it means I don’t follow NC but if I don’t, then I do dirty to my friends, let her make a bad picture of me and prohibit myself to have fun time.
So what do I do with the friends group?
P.S. I also told her that I’m not interested in being friend zoned and that I would rather disappear in her life forever. She replied to that with a concern whether I’ll try to run away from her everywhere and ignore everyone in our friends chat, which she finds absurd.
Hi Khal.
You should avoid playing games with her for a while. If you know she’ll be there, play alone or with your friends alone. Let them know you’d prefer her not to be there. Or if you don’t want to come off as rude, then don’t join the voice chat. You need to do that to detach from your ex.
Kind regards,
Zan
I’m currently in a kind of second break up no contact situation.
I was with my ex for 3.5 years, but I ended things due it his inappropriate wha Brook with women and eventually emotionally emotionally cheating with a woman online.
For my ex, he was always chasing the easy honeymoon phase. It was easier to detach from me and attach himself to new women or prospects when things got difficult.
He got back in contact after 6 months of no contact. We messaged back and forth for a few months, but I was cautious as he cheated and then moved with the woman. My gut was telling me he was just back as he was lonely.
Eventually he revealed that it hadn’t worked out with the other woman, but that he regretted everything and still loved me.
I told him that we would both need to work to rebuild trust and to work through the issues that we’re there previously.
He didn’t want to do any work or make any efforts. In fact he had already been chatting to another woman and decided to go with her, as I guess it was the easier option. I told him those were my terms if he wanted to try again, and wished him well.
I’m now left feeling sad, disappointed and feeling like the 6 months of healing work I did was for nothing. After nearly a year in painful limbo, I feel drained and have no Motivation to keep busy and focus on myself.
In fact, my thoughts are all about him, missing him and wanting him back, even after the way he behaved.no can’t stop thinking about him.
I know he’s moved on with someone else and is now love bombing her, but I still have the urge to reach out and message him.
No contact worked the first time. But I don’t know if it will work this time.
Hi Simone.
It may be best that you let this relationship rest for a while. You have to remember that he came back and that it didn’t work. If he comes back in the future, it will have an even smaller chance of working out. Every time a person detaches and leaves, it becomes easier to leave the next time. So avoid talking to him no matter how tempted you feel to reach out. Things have to change big time before you guys can increase relationship standards, regain respect for each other, and rebuild trust. These things won’t happen on their own. They’ll actually take a lot of effort.
Sincerely,
Zan
Thanks for your reply. I have started no contact again and plan to stick to it. I’m just struggling because he did come back but I didn’t actually take him back and give him a chance.
We just messaged back and forth for months, as I was cautious.
I just set out my terms and he didn’t want to do any work or make any Changes.
Part of me is thinking maybe I should have given him another chance….
Though from his reaction to my terms, and the fact that he had already started chatting to another woman, I maybe have been right in being cautious.
It’s difficult when you still love them so much, but they’re clearly more interested in not being alone and just having somebody.
Hi Simone.
A person who wants to be with you will show you that. You can be certain about that as he’ll be prepared to put the work in and appear eager to be with you. Your ex didn’t show that kind of commitment, so maybe it’s a good thing that things ended. Let me know what you think.
Also, you don’t want just someone who doesn’t want to be alone. You want an equal partner who dedicates his life to you.
Sincerely,
Zan
I screwed up, but not in the usual way. I was posting comments on one of those poetry websites about how much I miss my ex. I thought I was safe because I didn’t repost them on my news feed so I figured she’d never see them. But then she unfriended me on Facebook. She hasn’t blocked me and I’m not going to do anything to get me blocked. But beware even posting comments. I didn’t post anything mean or bad about her, but she broke up with me because she felt smothered and I’m sure my comments just added to that. The only plus I have is I haven’t contacted her directly and I haven’t stalked her. It sucks though. Being unfriended felt like being broken up with all over again. I hope she gives me another chance someday and I suspect my chances of that have taken a hit. I’ll be much more careful in the future, I’ll leave her alone and just keep working on my issues to try to improve. If she ever does talk to me again I want to be able to show her I’m not the same needy guy she used to know.
Hi Damian.
Thanks for the comment. You didn’t mess up that bad as you didn’t get involved with her directly. But posting sappy things is still considered a post-breakup mistake as it can make the dumper feel uncomfortable. Don’t worry about it, Damian. It’s not something that will prevent her from coming back if things go really bad for her.
Best regards,
Zan
I hope so. Right now she seems totally uninterested and moved on. I’m trying to remember it could be months before the dumper starts to maybe regret the breakup. I’ll just continue the work I’m doing.
Hi Damian.
It could take her a while indeed. So don’t wait and keep moving on. She’ll contact you if she has a change of heart.
Zan
Hi Zan,
I had a short-term relationship with an ex that ended after 2 months due to my clingyness. Three weeks later I texted her saying ‘hey whats up’ and she responded to that message but not my next one. The next day I removed her from my snapchat and Instagram. I understand this comes across as petty and insecure and wish I had not done that.
I also understand why my needy behaviors now scared her away and was wondering if calling her one day in the future and addressing these behaviors could be a solution. We also go to the same gym and still see each other there sometimes, just for more context
Thx!
Hi Chat.
You can talk about your clinginess issues in the future, but definitely not now. Now’s not the time to converse about your mistakes and improvements. Wait for her to become receptive.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi,
I am really disappointed in myself. My ex boyfriend broke up with me a month back. We have been dating for 2 years but things got difficult from the past 5 months due to long distance, lack of communication. When he broke up with me, yes I pleaded, cried but he was very firm on his decision. He said, “let him come back” and asked me not put in more efforts as he is ending up taking me for granted. So, I decided to go on no contact but after 2 weeks, i called him to check on him and he seemed very casual. He also said that I shouldn’t have contacted him and instead let him contact. I got weak and ended up asking if he misses me or not. He said he doesn’t want to talk about all these things again and when it’s the right time to talk about these things, he will himself call me. I think I ruined my chances. I have decides to go on no contact indefinitely. Do you think I ruined my chances of getting back?
Hi Dimple.
You didn’t ruin your chances, but you did make him feel uncomfortable. Dumpers don’t want to answers such difficult questions because it makes them feel pressured and guilty. Your ex must have felt bad for seeing you that hurt and not knowing what to do in that situation.
Let him reach out from now on.
Kind regards,
Zan
What if it is their birthday… do you say/do nothing to them if you are in a NC time period?
Hi Stacey.
Usually, you don’t say anything. Stay in NC.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
My ex has broken up with me twice for the same reason: I haven’t found a job yet in a country we said we’d been together in. I never broke no contact, so in the first break, he kept coming back but I only gave him the time of day when he outright apologized 4 months later and said he made a mistake, and that the distance for him is no longer an issue and that he’ll wait until we both get a job in that country. I told him that he showed me he’s not a long term partner, and he said he’ll do everything to show me that he is.
Fast forward 10 months after reconciliation, still haven’t found a job in that country because of COVID, but he broke up with me again for the same reason as before. Still no begging on my end, but I was exasperated (“I can’t believe you’re doing this again”). I ended it with a, “Listen to me, if you don’t want to be with me, I don’t want to be with you.” Then once again, stayed in no contact. It’s been 2 months, and unlike before, he hasn’t messaged at all. I’m pretty sure he’s with someone else, but okay.
I don’t want him back, but I really do want him to regret like before (my ego is bruised). Would no contact get him to that point of remorse and reach out?
Hi Bruised Ego.
I can’t say if no contact will hurt his ego/make him remorseful because that depends on so many things, but I can tell you that he’s going to face similar issues in the future because he hasn’t worked on himself. Stay in no contact and you’ll soon stop caring about his lack of care.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi zan
I begged and pleaded with my ex girlfriend and then went no contact for 21 days, I did reach out with a hi, how are you? I got no response yet only 2 hours the message was sent.
The relationship was serious as it was going to be marriage bound and living together as we’ve been together 2 years but then financial pressure and things moving too slowly for her as she mentioned it during this time.
The cause of not meeting up for Christmas and new year, as I was working to clear my debts and she was working to pay for the apartment and me staying in another city.
She has said the “never meeting again” and I unfriended her on social media to help with no contact but week after I’ve put the request back in which are pending due to her still being angry and upset.
I do want to be with her and I know she still wants to be with me, but how long do I have to wait for her to reach out as I know I’ve got to start again no contact
Hi Magnus.
At the moment, your ex doesn’t want to be with you. She wouldn’t be so upset with you if she did. No contact is indefinite, meaning that you never reach out again. It was a mistake to contact her prematurely as she hasn’t processed the breakup and realized your worth. She’s still upset, so you’ve got to leave her be until she wants you back.
Kind regards,
Zan
I am in the same boat… My ex left me due to my rising debts…
Well I can’t change her feelings towards me and what we once shared.
But one thing is certain, I am going to work towards clearing my debts and becoming a better person.
Not because of her, but because I want to exude that financial confidence when I step in my next relationship.
So I have started learning and implementing affiliate marketing and I also want to learn a skill like Facebook and Google ads.
This will help me financially, emotionally and otherwise..
I still think about my ex once in a while especially when things go south but I have decided never to call, chat or stalk my ex.
She belongs to the streets….
I wish you well….
Take care.
Zan are you still doing the questions and answers ??
I am, Jackie.
Post them if you’d like.
Zan
How serious a violation of no contact is blocking someone?
I blocked my ex shortly after things fell apart between us, and determined recently that I’m in a place where seeing them tagged in social media or whatever wouldn’t ruin me. It’s been about 8 months. Does it make sense to think of that as 8 months of making mistakes, or just one violation of the rule?
I understand you’re not a mind reader and can’t predict the future, but I’m just trying to get a gauge on where things might be.
Hi Texas Boy.
Blocking your ex isn’t the smartest thing to do because it shows you’re not willing to communicate, but then again, if your ex wants you back, she’ll find a way to get in touch with you.
I think you should leave things the way they are and keep moving forward.
Kind regards,
Zan
Does no contact work if she told me that she wants no contact months later? I tried repeatedly to get her back and understand what happened (Broke every breakup rule), went as far as to tell her I loved her for the 1st time, big mistake. It was a messy break and I honestly was so confused and sidelined by it all that I didn’t know going no contact was a thing and that that is what she wanted. She said she was tired of talking about it after I asked for closure on multiple occasions. She then ghosted me on all things social because she couldn’t handle it. I was a pretty emotional wreck and tried to get her back and that pushed her away and she became cold, annoyed, turned into a stranger etc. She said “she doesn’t foresee anything moving forward, def not at this point.” Given she was working 2 jobs, finding love in her newly formed career and getting out of depression, I believe she equated me with disturbing her progress and decided to conveniently overlook all the love, help and support I gave her over the year prior when we were dating. I did a lot.
Prior to all of this, she wanted to be in a relationship but bc we were long distance dating, I said I wanted to go slow and get serious when I came back from the east coast (Thought that made the most sense). She declined the idea, needed space, which I gave her, then came back 1 month later and played hot n cold, led me on, messed with my head and emotions and then left again when I wanted to date again. She acted liked we didn’t exist intimately for several months prior. I thought that was strange and board-line Narc behavior.
Jumping back to now, she knows how I feel about her and she wants nothing to do with me. I think she is dating someone judging from her IG bio but I don’t know (not looking again). She unfollowed me after she thought I was disrespecting her decision and that I didn’t care about her happiness by pursuing her. After being told she wants no contact with me months later, I said ok and 2 months into no-contact she blocked me even though her account is private. Pretty sure she needed to resist the urge to see my profile but who knows.
I wish I never gave in to her to begin with and just did no contact out the gate and didn’t give into my emotions. Anyway, that’s all, apologies for the loaded comment. lol. I’m currently 6 months of no-contact since she told me that she wants no-contact. It’s unfortunate knowing that someone you thought cared for you is so easy to cut you off, didn’t think someone can show you so much love and then discard you. Learned a lot from your site. Thanks.
Hey axel, so sorry you had to go through this. Please, with all your might move on. You’re killing yourself by still trying to hang on. You’ve loved and lost. Try again. There’s someone else out there. All the best
Thanks, moving on is the only plan. So judging from what I wrote. No chance of reconciliation? I guess you never know.
Hi Axel.
You have to give your ex what she’s asked for – no contact. She won’t see value in you if you keep bothering her and destroying her opinion of you. So leave her alone once and for all. You don’t need to tell her about no contact. Just disappear. When she’s ready to talk to you, you’ll hear from her. Hopefully, you’ll detach from her by then and won’t care much about her.
Kind regards,
Zan
During this no contact rule again I feel more energy of him , too much dreaming about him. And I’m very positive and sending him love automatically by feeling. I Don’t know why or he’s move on.
Hi Misher, you’re obsessed with your ex, and that’s okay. Your ex wasn’t ready nor willing to get back with you last time, so he naturally distanced himself from you. I suggest you stay in no contact until you’re sure he wants to get back together.
Kind regards,
Zan
I have been in no contact rule all most for 17 days and my ex reached me out for too much calls and many apologies text and I breaked no contact by continue to talking to him.But after a 2weeks things was getting back to the same less communication because I was too much complain because of less communication. At the end I surrender and I started again no contact rule I’m in day 5.He doesn’t reach me out and I’m silent too.But I afraid will he come back again?
I tried no contact. But then I rang in a weak moment. My ex then told me he missed me everyday and loved me but did not want to be with me because it feels “draining”. He said he didn’t see us getting back together in the near future but he apologised for bringing baggage into the relationship. When I asked if I should move on, and he said I should do what is best for me, as that is what he is doing. He then cried a lot and said he couldn’t talk. Do I still have a chance? I’ve gone back into no contact but I’m living in a different country for the next month and we haven’t seen each other since I moved and he broke up with me.
I feel for you Romance 🙁
He’s hung up on his feelings.
Don’t wait for him.
Remain in No Contact.
Do what’s best for you.
All the best💕
Hi Romane.
Your ex has lost feelings for you and feels bad for breaking your heart. At this moment, there’s no chance of getting back with him because he’s not ready for commitment yet. Maybe he’ll change his mind later once if he changes the way he thinks of you.
Kind regards,
Zan
I did no contact for 27 days. It was fine and I decided to get in touch with her again because she unblocked me from social media. At first, it worked and she seemed to consider getting back with me. We spoke for hours online and then a few days later, she agreed to get back with me. It was all fine at first, but literally two days later, she said she was having second thoughts and decided to leave again. I reached out the next day she left again and it just ended in her being even more angry and blocked me from everything.
Yet, I communicated by talking through my bio on social media. I would say something, she would always come online to see what I said and she would respond. She kept telling me to move on and I kept refusing. I begged so much everyday for 5 days to the point where she begged me to stop because I’m freaking her out. She said things like “don’t contact me ever again” and “LEAVE ME ALONE” These are just a few things of what she had actually said. I feel like it’s too late to get her back because I’ve completely depleted all of my value and I don’t think she’ll ever look at me the same again.
Do you think going into jo contact will still work?
Hi Raza.
No contact is your one and only option. You can never contact her again because the idea to get back together has to come from her. She has to redevelop feelings for you, so you have to wait.
Last time, she was thinking about getting back with you, but still lacked the incentive (feelings) to get back. This is why she pulled away even though things were looking great.
Best regards,
Zan
I’m so angry at myself. I was 18 days into no contact and doing well. I no longer think we will be together. He has moved on to someone new and while it definitely hurts to be replaced he made his choice. But he has been definitely angry about me not reaching out (I think he expected me to plead to stay in his life). We share workspace together and have friends group chat. He was acting out, made strange comments, talked multiple times about the new girl, send kisses to another friend and did everything which seemed to ask me for reaction. In the end I decided he is hurt and reached out to him. Said I think he is hurting and I haven’t forgotten about him but we are over. He said he wasn’t (sure!) but thank you and that he wasn’t jealous (sure!). I thought this was ok as I wasn’t pleading on begging. But now I’m so angry. Now he has all the recognition and satisfaction. He stopped acting out, which I assumed would be good but actually now regret. I’m happy to continue no contact but now feel I lost all cards 🙁
Hi Anna.
Don’t worry about the slip-up. It won’t change much as you didn’t suffocate, expect, or demand anything from him. You just let him know what was on your mind.
Go back to no contact and stay in it forever now. If he’s petty about it, it’s his problem, not yours. You have to get over him.
Kind regards,
Zan