Boundaries With An Ex When In A New Relationship

If you want to have a successful and fulfilling relationship with your partner, it’s essential to establish boundaries between you, your partner, and your ex. You need to identify who holds a more significant place in your life and prioritize that person over the other.

You can’t treat both people equally and expect your partner to be okay with it.

Your partner doesn’t have a history with your ex and doesn’t want you to stay in touch with your ex. The thought of you speaking and/or hanging out with your ex probably makes your partner feel uncomfortable and perhaps even jealous.

It triggers your partner’s fears or anxiety and stops him or her from relaxing and trusting you fully.

That isn’t your partner’s problem alone. If you weren’t still talking to your ex, he or she wouldn’t have this problem. He or she would be focusing on the present and growing the bond.

So don’t blame your partner for having trust issues and being jealous. Instead, sympathize and empathize with your partner. Show him or her you understand you’re the one who caused unnecessary pain and drama and that you’re willing to rectify the situation and ease his or her worries and anxiety.

You can do this rather quickly by setting some healthy boundaries.

Boundaries will keep your ex at a reasonable distance and show your partner that you care about his or her feelings and the future of the relationship. Boundaries will help the relationship progress whereas a lack of them will force the relationship to slow down and deal with issues that shouldn’t even be there.

You need to make a decision about whether talking to your ex is even necessary. If you have kids with your ex, shared bills, or some kind of responsibility that ties you to your ex, let your ex know when and how you can communicate.

This will prevent your ex from reaching out about trivial things and help your partner feel prioritized and important.

Make sure to also be transparent with your partner. If your ex reaches out, tell your partner that your ex contacted you and talked about certain things. Say you received a text or call from your ex (even if it wasn’t important) and that you responded or didn’t respond.

It doesn’t matter what happened. The important thing is that you let your partner know you spoke to your ex. Your partner will appreciate your honesty and trust you more if you express what happened than if you wait for your partner to find out on his or her own.

You don’t need to show your phone, but if your partner wants to see it, you should be okay with it and avoid saying things like, “You need to trust me. Why don’t you?” Always remember that your partner will trust you when you change and/or repeatedly do things that align with his or her relationship expectations.

When you show you can be trusted, your partner will probably stop caring about your ex as he or she will completely eliminate the possibility that you still feel something for him or her.

But until then, be transparent about the interactions between you and your ex and show your partner the relationship and his or her feelings are your top priority.

In this post, we discuss healthy and essential boundaries with an ex when you’re in a new relationship.

Boundaries with an ex when in a new relationship

The first boundary you should establish with an ex when you’re in a new relationship is a communication boundary. This is important because it’d be inconsiderate of you to keep acting friendly with your ex and making your partner doubt your love and commitment to the relationship.

Now that you’re in a new relationship, you must frequently show your partner and your ex that your focus is on your new relationship and that the relationship is so important to you that you won’t try to mix the past with the present.

Keep in mind that you won’t look weak for prioritizing your partner over your ex. You’ll actually be respected for it as you’ll show you aren’t attached to your ex and entitled to friendship with him or her.

Some people think it’s okay to be friends with an ex and that their new partner should respect their decision. Sometimes they even justify their entitlement by saying their ex has been their friend long before they met their partner and that their partner needs to accept that and work on his or her insecurities.

Such people typically don’t know they’ve developed a connection with their ex and don’t care about the fact that they’re in a relationship with someone they could potentially be with long-term.

As a result, they despise the idea of breaking, changing, or limiting their friendship with their ex and tend to defend their justifications for friendship to the bitter end.

If you respect your new partner, there must, therefore, be certain rules. Rules that keep your ex out of your romantic life and allow the new relationship to go through new relationship stages without constant interruptions from your ex.

The only way to have a healthy relationship with your new partner is to limit contact with your previous partner to emergencies, birthdays, and infrequent conversations.

If you must talk once in a while, your conversations must remain superficial (surface-level). You can talk about how you are and what you’ve been up to, but you must avoid talking about happy times from the past and your thoughts and feelings for each other.

Your ex shouldn’t be your best friend you confide in about your personal and intimate matters. He or she knows you on an intimate level and shouldn’t know the details of your new romantic relationship. What you do romantically and in your private life in general is between you and your partner.

Your ex lost access to this part of your life the moment the breakup ensued. Because of that, you must keep conversations focused on topics that are neutral and non-threatening to your current relationship. This includes topics about your well-being, weather, hobbies, and things you can talk to anyone about (not just your ex).

If you talk about shared interests and go deep with them, you could bond with your ex, feel understood, and keep your ex around as a backup plan for when things go wrong with your partner.

When things get difficult, you could feel tempted to abandon your relationship and give an ex who understands you on an intimate level a try.

So if you do communicate with your ex, make sure it’s infrequent, that your partner knows about it, and that your partner is okay with the frequency and way of communicating. If your partner isn’t happy about it, establish healthier boundaries with the help of your partner—and then tell your ex how and how often you’d like to communicate.

Your ex may be your ex, but your partner gets a say in this as well. He or she is allowed to tell you (and should tell you) what feels comfortable and what doesn’t. A romantic relationship needs that kind of communication and honesty.

If couples don’t express hurt, they may tolerate more than they’d like, keep getting hurt, and give their partner more power than is safe for him or her to have.

Whatever you do, don’t expect your partner to mind-read and know how you feel and what you want. If you want to be on the same page, you need to communicate about expectations and boundaries. Communication is key.

So if you talk to your ex but your partner doesn’t feel comfortable about it, your partner’s anxiety, insecurities, and pain need to be taken seriously. 

They need to be prioritized over your expectations to talk to your ex.

Likewise, if you’re not okay with something your partner says or does, your partner must listen and do something about it. He or she must show that your feelings matter and that the last thing he or she wants is to hurt you.

Guys oftentimes think their girlfriends are controlling when their girlfriends express they’re not comfortable with lingering exes. Such guys lack relationship experience and empathy to put themselves in their partner’s shoes and imagine how they’d feel if their partner did the same to them.

Some guys claim they’d be fine with it simply because they’re doing it. But when their partner talks to an ex or someone new, they get insecure and finally see they hurt their partner badly. I suppose some people need to experience pain and discomfort to understand it. 

That’s the only way they can see they need to make some positive changes in their relationship.

So if you want to have a healthy relationship and avoid getting hurt when your partner gets tired of being unheard, establish some healthy boundaries with your ex. Make sure your partner knows what those boundaries are so there are no unpleasant surprises and hurt feelings. 

Another boundary you must set with an ex when you’re in a new relationship is a physical boundary. You must make sure that you avoid hanging out with your ex in person and that your ex knows it’d be unfair to your new relationship.

If you’re used to meeting up, hugging, or dancing, this must obviously stop. You can’t hang out behind your partner’s back or even with your partner’s awareness and make him or her worry while you’re out. You also shouldn’t try to get your partner and your ex to be friends and hang out together.

Your partner would rather be friends with people you don’t have a history with. You know… your actual friends. They are the people he or she feels comfortable with and wants to get to know better.

No matter how you look at it, exes and partners shouldn’t stay close. Yes, they should get along for kids’ sake and other obligations. But when the person they’re dating feels uncomfortable or threatened, they must create boundaries that show care and respect for their partner’s opinions and feelings.

Care and respect are essential feelings a person in a relationship should feel. If he or she doesn’t feel them, the relationship is in jeopardy and may not last long.

So make sure your partner feels cared for, loved, and respected and sees that you value the relationship as much as him or her.

That being said, here are 7 boundaries to set with an ex when you’re in a new relationship. 

Bear in mind that every relationship is different and that boundaries with an ex should be tailored to your specific circumstances and the comfort levels of you and your new partner.

If your partner’s okay with you wishing your ex happy birthday and you don’t have any feelings for your ex (or your ex for you), by all means, wish your ex a happy birthday. 

Do what you think is needed for your and your ex’s happiness. Just make sure not to develop a habit of speaking regularly and letting your feelings grow to the point where you don’t want to separate yourself from your ex.

If you feel that you’re starting to like talking to your ex, evaluate what kind of feelings you feel and if necessary, increase the distance between you and your ex.

As a loyal partner in a new relationship and an ex-partner to your ex, your job is to stay aware of your thoughts and feelings and do what’s best for your relationship with your new boyfriend or girlfriend.

Those who maintain communication with their ex-partners and others may not necessarily engage in infidelity, but they do put themselves at a higher risk of undermining their current relationship and falling out of love.

If you don’t want your relationship to struggle and perhaps even end, set healthy boundaries with your ex and share them with your partner. This will make you more determined to do the right thing and in turn, show you’re a virtuous person who deserves love and respect from his or her partner.

How to set boundaries with an ex when in a new relationship?

If you already know that your ex is expecting more than you can or should give, simply tell your ex what you need or don’t need from him or her. Once you’ve made sure your ex understood you, you can then tell your partner you’ve reached out to your ex and asked your ex not to say or do certain things.

Your partner probably won’t mind you reaching out to your ex without his or her consent since you did it to benefit your romantic relationship.

However, if you’re not sure what boundaries to set with your ex, then it may be best to talk to your partner first. Ask your partner what he or she would like you to improve or change when it comes to your ex and reassure your partner you’re prepared to do what it takes.

If your partner says he or she doesn’t want you to ever talk to your ex, you must agree to cease contact. Tell your ex something like, “We’ve decided not to communicate with our exes.”

Avoid saying things like, “My partner doesn’t want me to talk to you.” If you decide not to talk to your ex after speaking about it with your partner and seeing that he or she is hurt, you’ve bilaterally decided not to do things that hurt your partner.

You should refrain from saying your partner forced you not to stay in touch. If your partner had to force you, you probably didn’t understand how hurt and uncared-for he or she felt.

Also, avoid comparing your partner to your ex.

They’re different people, so expressing that your ex was okay with certain things but your partner isn’t would be very unfair. You can’t expect two people to be okay with the same things. They’re different people with different personalities and beliefs.

Besides, you’re with your partner, not your ex. You need to forget the things your ex was better at compared to your partner and accept your partner’s flaws and differences.

So discuss things with your partner and remember that everything you decide, you decide together as a team because you care about each other’s thoughts, beliefs, and feelings.

Once you’ve set some boundaries, relay them to your ex and be glad your partner trusts you and isn’t hurt anymore. Your partner not being hurt means that you also won’t get hurt and that you’ll have a better relationship because of it.

Keep in mind that as your current relationship evolves, you and your partner will grow and change. You might become okay with some boundaries and not okay with others. That’s okay. Make sure to periodically reevaluate the boundaries you have set and adjust them as necessary.

That will ensure you continuously support each other and allow the relationship to progress.

What are your boundaries with an ex when in a new relationship? What do you think is necessary for maintaining a healthy romantic relationship? Share your relationship boundaries in the comments section below.

And if you’d like to discuss boundaries with an ex with us, sign up for coaching here.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.